Forever & Ever 6
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5
“Are you sure you are okay?” Kai asked once more. He shoved his hands into his red wind breaker and studied the side of Ruki’s face.
“I’m sorry,” he said with a shake of his head and a smile.
“Um…It’s cold, right?” Kai said uselessly.
“Mhm,” Ruki nodded and looked up.
The news of Fuwa and Isao clouded his mind. And no matter how much he tried to concentrate on Kai’s presence next to him, he couldn’t emerge from his incessant thoughts. He didn’t know how he felt about it. He didn’t know what to think. All that came to him was the ever present realization that he was near and that if Ruki was able to speak to Kawai or Kai was able to speak to him and find out where he was-some action as simple as that, he would be once again reunited with him. Ruki felt as if he were in a brink of something, a beginning perhaps, a chance he never thought he would have.
What finally roused him was the piercing sound of girls giggling and asking someone in a high pitched voice to take a photo with them. He looked up to see several girls crowded around some young black guy who politely agreed.
“Is he famous?” Ruki asked.
“What?” Kai looked at him shocked. Without any conversation from Ruki, he had fallen in the daze of a daydream himself.
“There,” Ruki pointed with his chin at the group. They were standing in front of some store on the side walk; several passersby stared and then went on their way. Kai looked at what he was referring to and laughed in surprise.
“Not that I know of but I know him!” Kai smiled.
“You know him?”
“Hey!” Kai shouted. “D’Marcus!!!” he called out.
The young man smiling friendly at the girls, looked up at Kai, surprised to hear someone calling his name. Seeing him, he smiled even wider, revealing his shiny white teeth.
Ruki was certain the guy had to be famous. He looked too much like an American movie star. His clothes were so neat and he had one those handsome guy jaws, the square shaped kind and he seemed to be in good shape.
“Is he famous?” Ruki asked again.
Kai gave Ruki a queer look. “Why do ask that?”
Soon, D’Marcus had made his way over to them and bowing politely to both of them, greeted Ruki in accented Japanese “Hello, I’m D’Marcus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Ruki stared at him with wide eyes. “You speak Japanese?” he spat out rudely causing Kai to giggle nervously.
“Ruki, this is Mr. Johnson’s nephew. Do you remember Mr. Johnson?”
The shocked boy gradually dragged his eyes from D’Marcus’ foreign and handsome face to Kai, who stood there rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “So, he isn’t famous?” he muttered.
“Why do you keep asking that?!” Kai laughed again to mask his discomfort.
Ruki didn’t bother to explain; he just turned back and stared at D’Marcus.
“Um…” Kai said. “Do you remember Mr. Johnson?” he asked once more.
“Yeah…” Ruki said, still staring.
“Staring is rude, Ruki,” Kai said quickly.
“It’s okay,” D’Marcus smiled. “I get it a lot. No, I’m not famous. I’ve lived in Japan for about 6 years now and I study at the University,” he said.
“Oh…” Ruki nodded. “I’m sorry,” he laughed. “I was just surprised.”
“Um…How is your uncle?” Kai asked, trying to think of something to smooth over the awkward conversation.
“He is good. How are you two?” D’Marcus asked.
“I’m good. Um, I’m sorry, I did it again to you!” he touched the side of his face nervously. “This is Ruki. He is a mutual friend of mine and Aoi’s.”
“Nice to meet you,” Ruki muttered, still in awe of him even though he was trying to hide it. “Why did those girls want to take a photo with you?”
Looking back to make sure they were nowhere in sight, D’Marcus answered “I think they’ve never met a black person before so,” he shrugged as if it happened to him a lot.
“Oh,” Ruki nodded.
“And someone as handsome as you!” Kai said with polite enthusiasm and then realizing how strange that sounded, giggled embarrassedly. Ruki watched him in awe of how ridiculous he seemed, laughing and giggling nervously like that. “I mean…yeah…Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
D’Marcus suppressed a laugh. “I know,” he said. “I understand.”
“If you are Mr. Johnson’s nephew, why don’t you have anger problems?” Ruki asked in a monotone voice. For some reason, Kai’s nervousness had made him feel more comfortable and at ease.
Apparently, D’Marcus found the comment hilarious. After a moment of realization, he was nearly bent over in laughter.
“Ruki!” Kai glared at him, shocked by his rudeness.
“He does have anger problems, doesn’t he?” D’Marcus replied, finally catching his breath.
“I’m sorry,” Kai muttered.
“No, it’s funny. It really is,” he said.
“So, what are you up to?” Kai asked with a forced smile.
“Applying for jobs around here.”
“How is that going?” Ruki asked. He was aware of the fact that a lot of people were probably going to turn him down due to the fact that he was a foreigner.
“Not good,” he said with a sigh.
“Teach English,” Ruki suggested.
“I would!” he laughed. “But all the teaching positions at my school are filled by young attractive women. And the guy that offers out the jobs won’t give me the time of day. I don’t stand a chance next to pretty girl,” he smiled.
“I can ask Haru’s father if he wouldn’t mind offering you a job,” Kai said. “One of the employees took another job and they are leaving in a couple of days. Would you be interested?”
“Yeah,” D’Marcus smiled. “And I would know you so it wouldn’t be that awkward,” he said with a tilt of his head. He bit his bottom lip.
“Um…” Kai lifted his hand and held it in a fist, as he tried to get his thoughts straight. “Ok…Number,” he giggled and searching his pockets tried to find his cell phone.
“You have a cell?” Ruki noticed immediately. He didn’t think he had the money.
Kai not bothering to answer him asked “What’s your number?” D’Marcus told him. “Great…Um...this may be rude but is it okay if I call you D? It’s hard to say your name and I think I’m saying it wrong anyway,” he giggled, putting his phone away.
“D is fine,” he’s nodded, biting his lip again. It seemed a characteristic habit of his. “And you are saying it wrong,” he laughed. “You keep saying it like D-Ma-ka-su.”
“Sorry,” he cringed cutely.
“Well, I should be on my way. I have more places to apply to,” D said. “It was nice talking to you both.”
They both waved goodbye. Suddenly a thought occurred to Ruki and he turned around and shouted “Hey, do you know Fuwa?”
D turned around and then finally computing what he just said to him, nodded yes.
“You do?” Ruki’s eyes went wide. “How is he?”
“Um…” D paused to think. “He’s okay. I mean his partner isn’t doing well. He’s tired…” D stopped; wondering if that was the right way to describe him. “Yeah, he’s tired.”
Ruki just stared at him.
Concerned, Kai grabbed Ruki’s arm and waving goodbye to D’Marcus once more said “Ruki, let’s go.”
***
He ran the bath until it was smoldering hot. He stared at the rising steam. His eyes losing focus, he lifted the half empty bottle of champagne to his mouth and drank.
He could hear Kumiko coming home. “Kouyou?” she called out. The door shutting, her heels hitting the floor.
“Taking a bath,” he shouted. Without flinching, he stepped into the tub and letting the searing water reach his chin, he took another long drink before he closed his eyes. Images of the scene earlier flooded back to him, Aoi screaming at him, pushing him away, the sound of his voice, aggressive, angry. But despite all the horrible things that came to mind, despite the images his imagination formed of men molesting Aoi, the last thing that came to him, the last thing that his mind had lingered on was the sight of Aoi’s hand, holding the pick and his own fingers sliding down the wide valleys between his knuckles.
He didn’t realize how numb he became again. How slowly as the days came and he retreated further and further from the train platform, that he had lost something ounce by ounce, so gradually that he could hardly feel it. Perhaps, getting older means losing your dreams, losing the wild belief in things.
Maybe.
But what was that? What was that feeling that came over him when he touched him so gingerly, almost to point of not touching him at all?
Uruha opened his eyes, wondering if he still loved him. Inside, his heart fluttered.
But Aoi, he seems different. Tired. Lost. Broken. Used. He called himself disgusting.
Was he?
Aoi didn’t laugh like he used to. Uruha had seen the seeds of this when they were younger, the thing that he had buried beneath the smiles and the jokes, that loneliness, that self-hate. Aoi used to want more than anything just for things to be happy-at least to seem that way but now, he didn’t bother. He didn’t care. He’d given up.
Perhaps, getting older means losing your ability to dream too.
Uruha lifted his hands above the surface of the hot water and ghosting them over the still, translucent surface thought of Aoi’s lost spirit. Before he could paint the world with his sheer desire to be happy. But now, he was broken, living life day to day in a monochrome world without lush summer trees, without the summer sun, without hollyhocks and laughter.
Uruha realized how empty their lives were. His and Aoi’s.
But was it his spirit that you loved? And if that were the case, without that spirit, could you still love him?
The water trembled. Even when you think things are still, they never really are. Perhaps, the water didn’t tremble. Perhaps, it’s your own hands shaking.
He opened his eyes and sitting up as if he suddenly realized something, looked at the water as it began to cool. No longer was the steam rising from it.
“Why do you hate yourself so much?” he said to no one. Was it because of the men, he wondered.
Can you really lose yourself to the point of becoming a different person? He wondered if Aoi wasn’t the only one who had lost something. Didn’t you still love him when he pushed you away the first time, when he pushed you down those old stairs so many years ago? Didn’t you wait by his bedside, running your hand along the blossomless hollyhocks, admiring them anyway? He was angry and he was defeated and you couldn’t understand why, you couldn’t figure out what it was that made him want to give up. Now, you know what it was all along. Perhaps, loving you was what really broke him in the end.
The water was cool now. Not even warm.
If a person could break you, couldn’t they put you back together?
The bathroom at the retreat. A memory came back to him.
“It’s okay. They are just things,” Aoi had said.
“No, they aren’t. Nothing is just a thing. Nothing. I broke them. I feel so bad. You can’t undo that. It’s broken.” He whimpered. Did he whimper? He was such a child then.
“When you feel better, we can make something,”
I didn’t even love you yet, Uruha realized as the memory came back to him. Aoi cooing him as he stood in the shower. Just some sad junkie kid and a boy prostitute. That’s what Aoi would say. That’s how he would have described them. Uruha for some reason, smiled at the thought of hearing him say that.
“Make something?” He wondered what he must have looked like to Aoi then.
“To make up for what you broke.” He spoke like an older brother.
“But what I broke is gone.”
“Then make something that wasn’t was” That sentence wasn’t supposed to make sense. But it was perfect.
Did you break him? He asked himself.
Aoi.You can’t give up on him. Even if you can’t regain that relationship, even if you can’t be lovers again, you can’t give up on him.
The water now was cold.
Uruha jumped out of the tub and grabbing a towel, quickly left the bathroom, a surge of energy flowing through his veins. His heart swelled against the cage of his chest. He felt his spirit flutter underneath his skin.
If he wasn’t so determined, he would have remembered that he had felt that feeling once before, sparked by a soft kiss underneath a Machilus tree.
***
The following day, Kai was busy cleaning the countertop when D’Marcus came in. It was early in the morning, 6 to be exact. Several patrons were already sitting around drinking coffee and eating breakfast.
“D!” Kai smiled.
“Hey,” he waved.
“Um…Mr. Hirano is in the back. I’ll let him know you are here,” Kai said with a slight bow. He left D’Marcus standing there. As he waited for him to return, he watched the tiny black television. “You can go in,” Kai said, coming back.
“Thank you,” D bowed and went in.
He was in there for some time. When he and Mr. Hirano emerged from the tiny little office stashed away in the back of the rinky-dink Moon Lady, it was evident that the two of them were getting along really well. Mr. Hirano, who was short and wonderfully round had lifted his stubby arm and with a stretch, had it draped across D’Marcus broad shoulders.
Kai didn’t bother to ask if he had been hired or not. It would be shocking considering their chemistry if he wasn’t.
“Well, that was amusing!” Mr. Hirano barked. He had a funny, gruff voice that was strangely reminiscent of a hound dog and even if wasn’t smiling, his small eyes looked on his face like two thin lines. “I have to go deal with those damned bastards down the street,” he said with a laugh. He was in all actuality, referring to his group of friends. Every morning he would go there and the 4 older men would play mahjong like a pack of elderly Chinese women, gossiping and bitching.
D nodded.
“Find him something to do,” Hirano said to Kai.
“Sure thing,” Kai said with a nod and a small smile. “Can you cook?” he asked D.
“Not at all,” he shook his head no.
“Err….okay,” Kai giggled. “You can help me move some of the boxes and stuff in the back.”
“Sure,” D nodded.
“Alright, bye boys,” Hirano said waving at the two of them and pulling out a cigarette. As he headed out the door, he almost ran right into his own daughter. “Haru! Watch where you are going!” he chastised humorously. The girl smiled at her father and stepped aside, letting him pass before entering.
“Hey Haru,” Kai smiled widely.
“Hello,” she said.
“Do you remember D’Marcus?” Kai said gesturing to the tall young man next to him.
“Of course,” she smiled shyly and peaking up at him under her long eyelashes, blushed slightly.
“Um…He’s going to working here now,” Kai said.
“Really?” she said with a bit too much enthusiasm and realizing the sudden increase in her volume, looked down and turned beat red.
D’Marcus smiled to himself and folded his strong arms.
Suddenly it hit Kai, Haru likes him. He looked at her face and then back at D’s. He could tell the D’Marcus knew and she was fully aware of the fact that she was obvious in her attraction to him. Kai took a deep and painful sigh. Gritting his teeth, his said with a forced smile “How about them boxes, D?”
“Huh?” D’Macus had been staring at the girl, admiring her general sweet and feminine presence: long hair, long floral dress and a crème sweater conservatively covering her shoulders.
“Boxes,” Kai said flatly, void of any of his usual mirth.
D bit his lip. “Sorry,” he mouthed to him.
Kai just stared at him. They looked at each other in silence for several moments. If Haru liked D, he really didn’t have much of a chance. Not only was he an exotic foreigner who could speak good Japanese, he was educated, tall, strong and handsome and not to mention polite and nice.
“Yeah, boxes,” D nodded and tried to smooth things over with a gentle smile at him.
It didn’t work. Kai, jealous, just turned around and headed toward the storage room.
***
The back of Club Radio was crowded, teeming with musicians and their staff, with the people who worked at the venue, girlfriends and the occasional groupie inasmuch as bands of their caliber had groupies. Until they were able to amass enough members for their new band, Ruki had decided to help out as a roadie for Uruha’s. He sat next to him, flipping through a copy of Fool’s Mate.
“He’s so cool,” he muttered lingering on an image of Kiyoharu in Sads. Uruha glancing over looked at the photo and went back to practicing his songs on the guitar. He was already in his costume, his hair done up in pigtails.
Aoi finally came in muttering as Koji followed him rattling off crap.
“Are you listening to me?” Koji said, his bright blue hair spiked up around his head. His costume was a mismatching white suit with red paint splattered all over it.
“Yeah, of course!” Aoi smiled insincerely and tilted his head to the side. Like Koji, he was all ready to go on stage. He had on black lipstick and dark eyeliner and he wore a black tank top and black pants with a white skirt that was also splattered with paint. His hair was done up too in a fan like spiky puff one only sees on visual kei musicians.
“Good,” Koji nodded, naively believing him.
Hearing Aoi’s voice, Uruha immediately looked up.
“Hey!” Ruki called.
“What’s up,” he smiled and walked over to them. He avoided making eye contact with Uruha instead he tried his best to find reasons to stare at Ruki. “Whatcha doing here?”
“I’m a roadie for them,” he tilted his head toward Uruha.
“I see,” Aoi nodded.
“Can I talk to you?” Uruha interjected boldly.
Realizing that something must have happened, Ruki sat up and quickly looked back and forth between their faces.
Aoi took a deep sigh, trying to figure out how he was going to get out of having a private talk with him. “About what?” he asked between his teeth.
“We want to perform Kurenai later…and we could use another guitarist, if you are interested?” Uruha asked unexpectedly. Aoi of course, had thought he wanted to talk about what happened the last time they spoke. A feeling of relief flooded over him.
“Kurenai?”
“Yeah,” Uruha nodded.
“Um…Sure,” he agreed. Hearing that, Uruha smiled his baby smile. Aoi seeing his face light up, immediately looked away. “I have to go meet up with my band mates. I’ll talk to you two later,” he said quickly and turned away.
“Is he mad at you?” Ruki asked, closing the magazine and setting it down on the table.
Uruha looked down at his guitar, wondering if he should tell Ruki. If they were going to form a band, it might be a bad idea to develop these kinds of relationships. Deciding against it, he shook his head no. “Nothing too big,” he said and went to practicing on his guitar, this time going through the phrases in Kurenai.
One of the guys who worked the venue called out “La+Rougedeath”-which was Uruha’s band. He looked up. “Sound check,” he said as if it were the most boring thing in the world. He turned around and walked out.
“I can go do it,” Ruki offered. He was bored out of his mind and wanted something to do.
Uruha nodded. “I need to check my make-up,” he said, handing Ruki his guitar.
Out on the stage, there seemed to be some kind of fuss. Some people were bitching and whining. One guy irritated said loudly “Who gives a fuck? Quit wasting people’s time!” to which another person said “Lay off the douche.” Ruki walked out there and looked around. Several people were searching the floor for something.
“What’s going on?” he asked someone nearby. He was dressed up like a musician, wearing a matching plaid ensemble with white face paint and red hair.
“My band mate lost a necklace so we are trying to find it,” he said in a pleasant voice. He seems nice, Ruki noticed immediately. Figuring that things wouldn’t get moving until this missing piece of jewelry was found, he set Uruha’s guitar against a speaker and started looking around for the lost item.
Perhaps it was beginner’s luck because in a matter of seconds, something in the corner of his eye gleamed. Walking toward it, he found near a back speaker, a necklace. He picked it up and before he could even really get a good look at it, he heard someone call his name.
“Ruki?” the voice was shocked.
He looked up to see someone standing there, dressed in a white suit with crazily written kanji all over it, his hair dyed blonde but what was strange about him was the fact that he had this thing wrapped around his face, covering his nose. Ruki had seen some weird things before but this was truly strange. He tilted his head and looked at him, wondering how he knew his name.
“Ruki, is that you?” he said again. Reita’s voice. It was Reita.
Ruki couldn’t believe it. “Rei….ta?” he said slowly.
“Hey!!!” he smiled, happy that it was indeed Ruki. “You found my necklace,” he pointed and rubbed the back of his head.
Ruki with much effort, dragged his eyes away from Reita’s bizarrely clothed face to the necklace dangling in his hand.
It was the same one he had given him so many years ago back at the retreat.
“THANK GOD! SOMEONE FOUND IT!” someone announced, hearing Reita’s words. People clapped, sighs enveloped the room. In a matter of seconds, the crowd that had amassed on the stage dispersed.
“Wow,” Reita went up to him. “Um…” he was about to ask for the necklace back but since it was Ruki holding it, he felt a minor existential crisis.
“Reita?” Ruki looked up at him with wide eyes. He was in shock.
“Ruki,” he smiled and extending his arms, invited him to hug him.
Ruki stared at him, gradually coming to realization that this was reality. It was one thing to find the other three but to see Reita again, he didn’t expect it, he didn’t think that he would be fortunate enough to meet him again.
“Check one, check two,” someone said in a monotone voice through the microphone.
“No hug?” Reita laughed. Suddenly, like a storm, Ruki rushed at him and threw himself on him, squeezing him tightly.
“Reita, Reita, Reita,” he said repeatedly as if he was trying to convince himself of his existence.
“Gah!” Reita playfully squeezed him and lifted him off of the ground in a strong embrace. “I’ve missed you so much,” he said with a trembling voice.
Reita had tried everything to see him again. He called every day until finally Ruki’s parents blocked his number. He saved up his money and went to his house only to find out that they moved. He did everything that he could think of. He had finally resigned to fate. Perhaps, he will never see him again.
Strange. Once you stop looking, you find it. Or rather, it finds you. He smiled. But, it was too late, wasn’t it? Reita realized. Giving up meant giving in and letting go. He had let go of his love for Ruki, had resigned it to the past and looked back at it with a smile. He had no regrets. How could he? He did everything he could. For that moment in time, he was happy with him and for that, he was grateful.
But for Ruki, it was different. Unlike the others, time didn’t march gradually forward day by day, dragging them away from their friendship, from their love. His life was like a whirlwind, a storm that spun so quickly as he ran from himself and his family that he couldn’t keep track of the passage of time. Unlike the others, he felt as if that summer so long ago was only yesterday. Perhaps, he was more relentless, more demanding, more aggressive, more selfish. He wasn’t about to give in.
Even now, finding this necklace only proved to him that what was his was his. He finally pulled away from Reita slightly and with his arms still wrapped around his neck, stared at his face, smiling at that strange cloth band. Overwhelmed with affection and with the realization that Reita still kept that, their necklace, he stood on his tiptoes and kissed him deeply.
Reita stunned, let Ruki kissed him. His full lips enveloped him and he could feel Ruki trying to put his tongue into his mouth. But he couldn’t do this. He pushed Ruki away.
Other people on the stage gaped openly at them.
Ruki looked like he was about to cry. Never before in his life had he been pushed away like that and from the last person he thought would ever do such a thing.
“Ruki, I’m sorry,” Reita said in his sweet voice. “Um…I’m seeing someone and I can’t…”
“Seeing someone?”
“Yeah…2 years now…” he nodded. Why did he feel guilty? He had no reason to feel guilty.
Ruki looked down. It’s been 6 years. Of course, he’s moved on. Of course. Why wouldn’t he? “I see…” he muttered. “Um…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t. I got carried away.”
They stood there in awkward silence. Their happiness descending into shock.
“Hey, don’t worry about it!” Reita said with a forced laugh.
Ruki noticed that he was still holding the necklace. “When we see each other again, I’m going to give this to you because I love you too” Reita had said back then.
What did that mean now after all this time?
“Here,” Ruki said handing him the necklace.
“Huh? Oh…” Reita stared down at it. “It’s…”
“It’s yours,” Ruki said.
“But…”
“I know you were supposed to give it back to me when we met again…”
“And…”
“Because you loved me but…you know,” he shrugged, embarrassed for the both of them.
Reita didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t thought about whether or not he still loved Ruki. He believed that he still did in some way. He had come to terms with himself, with the way things were. But he didn’t feel for him like he used to and at the same time, he still felt a tenderness toward him.
“Please,” Ruki shoved it against his chest.
Reita put his hand on it, briefly their hands touched before Ruki pulled his away.
“Get the fuck off the stage,” the disinterested guy said to Reita, the one who had called for the sound check. He had no idea what they were saying but in a couple of hours, the show was supposed to start.
“Uruha and Aoi are in the back,” Ruki said. “I have to do this really quick and then, I’ll go back there,” he added quickly, avoiding Reita’s gaze.
Reita, shocked just nodded.
“Come on!” The guy shouted again.
[A/N I'm sorry this is SOOO late >.< I was really busy. I haven't really had a true moments rest. But things are going to be normal soon. I'm sorry I haven't replied to any comments! I will try to get to them later. ^^]
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5
“Are you sure you are okay?” Kai asked once more. He shoved his hands into his red wind breaker and studied the side of Ruki’s face.
“I’m sorry,” he said with a shake of his head and a smile.
“Um…It’s cold, right?” Kai said uselessly.
“Mhm,” Ruki nodded and looked up.
The news of Fuwa and Isao clouded his mind. And no matter how much he tried to concentrate on Kai’s presence next to him, he couldn’t emerge from his incessant thoughts. He didn’t know how he felt about it. He didn’t know what to think. All that came to him was the ever present realization that he was near and that if Ruki was able to speak to Kawai or Kai was able to speak to him and find out where he was-some action as simple as that, he would be once again reunited with him. Ruki felt as if he were in a brink of something, a beginning perhaps, a chance he never thought he would have.
What finally roused him was the piercing sound of girls giggling and asking someone in a high pitched voice to take a photo with them. He looked up to see several girls crowded around some young black guy who politely agreed.
“Is he famous?” Ruki asked.
“What?” Kai looked at him shocked. Without any conversation from Ruki, he had fallen in the daze of a daydream himself.
“There,” Ruki pointed with his chin at the group. They were standing in front of some store on the side walk; several passersby stared and then went on their way. Kai looked at what he was referring to and laughed in surprise.
“Not that I know of but I know him!” Kai smiled.
“You know him?”
“Hey!” Kai shouted. “D’Marcus!!!” he called out.
The young man smiling friendly at the girls, looked up at Kai, surprised to hear someone calling his name. Seeing him, he smiled even wider, revealing his shiny white teeth.
Ruki was certain the guy had to be famous. He looked too much like an American movie star. His clothes were so neat and he had one those handsome guy jaws, the square shaped kind and he seemed to be in good shape.
“Is he famous?” Ruki asked again.
Kai gave Ruki a queer look. “Why do ask that?”
Soon, D’Marcus had made his way over to them and bowing politely to both of them, greeted Ruki in accented Japanese “Hello, I’m D’Marcus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Ruki stared at him with wide eyes. “You speak Japanese?” he spat out rudely causing Kai to giggle nervously.
“Ruki, this is Mr. Johnson’s nephew. Do you remember Mr. Johnson?”
The shocked boy gradually dragged his eyes from D’Marcus’ foreign and handsome face to Kai, who stood there rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “So, he isn’t famous?” he muttered.
“Why do you keep asking that?!” Kai laughed again to mask his discomfort.
Ruki didn’t bother to explain; he just turned back and stared at D’Marcus.
“Um…” Kai said. “Do you remember Mr. Johnson?” he asked once more.
“Yeah…” Ruki said, still staring.
“Staring is rude, Ruki,” Kai said quickly.
“It’s okay,” D’Marcus smiled. “I get it a lot. No, I’m not famous. I’ve lived in Japan for about 6 years now and I study at the University,” he said.
“Oh…” Ruki nodded. “I’m sorry,” he laughed. “I was just surprised.”
“Um…How is your uncle?” Kai asked, trying to think of something to smooth over the awkward conversation.
“He is good. How are you two?” D’Marcus asked.
“I’m good. Um, I’m sorry, I did it again to you!” he touched the side of his face nervously. “This is Ruki. He is a mutual friend of mine and Aoi’s.”
“Nice to meet you,” Ruki muttered, still in awe of him even though he was trying to hide it. “Why did those girls want to take a photo with you?”
Looking back to make sure they were nowhere in sight, D’Marcus answered “I think they’ve never met a black person before so,” he shrugged as if it happened to him a lot.
“Oh,” Ruki nodded.
“And someone as handsome as you!” Kai said with polite enthusiasm and then realizing how strange that sounded, giggled embarrassedly. Ruki watched him in awe of how ridiculous he seemed, laughing and giggling nervously like that. “I mean…yeah…Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
D’Marcus suppressed a laugh. “I know,” he said. “I understand.”
“If you are Mr. Johnson’s nephew, why don’t you have anger problems?” Ruki asked in a monotone voice. For some reason, Kai’s nervousness had made him feel more comfortable and at ease.
Apparently, D’Marcus found the comment hilarious. After a moment of realization, he was nearly bent over in laughter.
“Ruki!” Kai glared at him, shocked by his rudeness.
“He does have anger problems, doesn’t he?” D’Marcus replied, finally catching his breath.
“I’m sorry,” Kai muttered.
“No, it’s funny. It really is,” he said.
“So, what are you up to?” Kai asked with a forced smile.
“Applying for jobs around here.”
“How is that going?” Ruki asked. He was aware of the fact that a lot of people were probably going to turn him down due to the fact that he was a foreigner.
“Not good,” he said with a sigh.
“Teach English,” Ruki suggested.
“I would!” he laughed. “But all the teaching positions at my school are filled by young attractive women. And the guy that offers out the jobs won’t give me the time of day. I don’t stand a chance next to pretty girl,” he smiled.
“I can ask Haru’s father if he wouldn’t mind offering you a job,” Kai said. “One of the employees took another job and they are leaving in a couple of days. Would you be interested?”
“Yeah,” D’Marcus smiled. “And I would know you so it wouldn’t be that awkward,” he said with a tilt of his head. He bit his bottom lip.
“Um…” Kai lifted his hand and held it in a fist, as he tried to get his thoughts straight. “Ok…Number,” he giggled and searching his pockets tried to find his cell phone.
“You have a cell?” Ruki noticed immediately. He didn’t think he had the money.
Kai not bothering to answer him asked “What’s your number?” D’Marcus told him. “Great…Um...this may be rude but is it okay if I call you D? It’s hard to say your name and I think I’m saying it wrong anyway,” he giggled, putting his phone away.
“D is fine,” he’s nodded, biting his lip again. It seemed a characteristic habit of his. “And you are saying it wrong,” he laughed. “You keep saying it like D-Ma-ka-su.”
“Sorry,” he cringed cutely.
“Well, I should be on my way. I have more places to apply to,” D said. “It was nice talking to you both.”
They both waved goodbye. Suddenly a thought occurred to Ruki and he turned around and shouted “Hey, do you know Fuwa?”
D turned around and then finally computing what he just said to him, nodded yes.
“You do?” Ruki’s eyes went wide. “How is he?”
“Um…” D paused to think. “He’s okay. I mean his partner isn’t doing well. He’s tired…” D stopped; wondering if that was the right way to describe him. “Yeah, he’s tired.”
Ruki just stared at him.
Concerned, Kai grabbed Ruki’s arm and waving goodbye to D’Marcus once more said “Ruki, let’s go.”
***
He ran the bath until it was smoldering hot. He stared at the rising steam. His eyes losing focus, he lifted the half empty bottle of champagne to his mouth and drank.
He could hear Kumiko coming home. “Kouyou?” she called out. The door shutting, her heels hitting the floor.
“Taking a bath,” he shouted. Without flinching, he stepped into the tub and letting the searing water reach his chin, he took another long drink before he closed his eyes. Images of the scene earlier flooded back to him, Aoi screaming at him, pushing him away, the sound of his voice, aggressive, angry. But despite all the horrible things that came to mind, despite the images his imagination formed of men molesting Aoi, the last thing that came to him, the last thing that his mind had lingered on was the sight of Aoi’s hand, holding the pick and his own fingers sliding down the wide valleys between his knuckles.
He didn’t realize how numb he became again. How slowly as the days came and he retreated further and further from the train platform, that he had lost something ounce by ounce, so gradually that he could hardly feel it. Perhaps, getting older means losing your dreams, losing the wild belief in things.
Maybe.
But what was that? What was that feeling that came over him when he touched him so gingerly, almost to point of not touching him at all?
Uruha opened his eyes, wondering if he still loved him. Inside, his heart fluttered.
But Aoi, he seems different. Tired. Lost. Broken. Used. He called himself disgusting.
Was he?
Aoi didn’t laugh like he used to. Uruha had seen the seeds of this when they were younger, the thing that he had buried beneath the smiles and the jokes, that loneliness, that self-hate. Aoi used to want more than anything just for things to be happy-at least to seem that way but now, he didn’t bother. He didn’t care. He’d given up.
Perhaps, getting older means losing your ability to dream too.
Uruha lifted his hands above the surface of the hot water and ghosting them over the still, translucent surface thought of Aoi’s lost spirit. Before he could paint the world with his sheer desire to be happy. But now, he was broken, living life day to day in a monochrome world without lush summer trees, without the summer sun, without hollyhocks and laughter.
Uruha realized how empty their lives were. His and Aoi’s.
But was it his spirit that you loved? And if that were the case, without that spirit, could you still love him?
The water trembled. Even when you think things are still, they never really are. Perhaps, the water didn’t tremble. Perhaps, it’s your own hands shaking.
He opened his eyes and sitting up as if he suddenly realized something, looked at the water as it began to cool. No longer was the steam rising from it.
“Why do you hate yourself so much?” he said to no one. Was it because of the men, he wondered.
Can you really lose yourself to the point of becoming a different person? He wondered if Aoi wasn’t the only one who had lost something. Didn’t you still love him when he pushed you away the first time, when he pushed you down those old stairs so many years ago? Didn’t you wait by his bedside, running your hand along the blossomless hollyhocks, admiring them anyway? He was angry and he was defeated and you couldn’t understand why, you couldn’t figure out what it was that made him want to give up. Now, you know what it was all along. Perhaps, loving you was what really broke him in the end.
The water was cool now. Not even warm.
If a person could break you, couldn’t they put you back together?
The bathroom at the retreat. A memory came back to him.
“It’s okay. They are just things,” Aoi had said.
“No, they aren’t. Nothing is just a thing. Nothing. I broke them. I feel so bad. You can’t undo that. It’s broken.” He whimpered. Did he whimper? He was such a child then.
“When you feel better, we can make something,”
I didn’t even love you yet, Uruha realized as the memory came back to him. Aoi cooing him as he stood in the shower. Just some sad junkie kid and a boy prostitute. That’s what Aoi would say. That’s how he would have described them. Uruha for some reason, smiled at the thought of hearing him say that.
“Make something?” He wondered what he must have looked like to Aoi then.
“To make up for what you broke.” He spoke like an older brother.
“But what I broke is gone.”
“Then make something that wasn’t was” That sentence wasn’t supposed to make sense. But it was perfect.
Did you break him? He asked himself.
Aoi.You can’t give up on him. Even if you can’t regain that relationship, even if you can’t be lovers again, you can’t give up on him.
The water now was cold.
Uruha jumped out of the tub and grabbing a towel, quickly left the bathroom, a surge of energy flowing through his veins. His heart swelled against the cage of his chest. He felt his spirit flutter underneath his skin.
If he wasn’t so determined, he would have remembered that he had felt that feeling once before, sparked by a soft kiss underneath a Machilus tree.
***
The following day, Kai was busy cleaning the countertop when D’Marcus came in. It was early in the morning, 6 to be exact. Several patrons were already sitting around drinking coffee and eating breakfast.
“D!” Kai smiled.
“Hey,” he waved.
“Um…Mr. Hirano is in the back. I’ll let him know you are here,” Kai said with a slight bow. He left D’Marcus standing there. As he waited for him to return, he watched the tiny black television. “You can go in,” Kai said, coming back.
“Thank you,” D bowed and went in.
He was in there for some time. When he and Mr. Hirano emerged from the tiny little office stashed away in the back of the rinky-dink Moon Lady, it was evident that the two of them were getting along really well. Mr. Hirano, who was short and wonderfully round had lifted his stubby arm and with a stretch, had it draped across D’Marcus broad shoulders.
Kai didn’t bother to ask if he had been hired or not. It would be shocking considering their chemistry if he wasn’t.
“Well, that was amusing!” Mr. Hirano barked. He had a funny, gruff voice that was strangely reminiscent of a hound dog and even if wasn’t smiling, his small eyes looked on his face like two thin lines. “I have to go deal with those damned bastards down the street,” he said with a laugh. He was in all actuality, referring to his group of friends. Every morning he would go there and the 4 older men would play mahjong like a pack of elderly Chinese women, gossiping and bitching.
D nodded.
“Find him something to do,” Hirano said to Kai.
“Sure thing,” Kai said with a nod and a small smile. “Can you cook?” he asked D.
“Not at all,” he shook his head no.
“Err….okay,” Kai giggled. “You can help me move some of the boxes and stuff in the back.”
“Sure,” D nodded.
“Alright, bye boys,” Hirano said waving at the two of them and pulling out a cigarette. As he headed out the door, he almost ran right into his own daughter. “Haru! Watch where you are going!” he chastised humorously. The girl smiled at her father and stepped aside, letting him pass before entering.
“Hey Haru,” Kai smiled widely.
“Hello,” she said.
“Do you remember D’Marcus?” Kai said gesturing to the tall young man next to him.
“Of course,” she smiled shyly and peaking up at him under her long eyelashes, blushed slightly.
“Um…He’s going to working here now,” Kai said.
“Really?” she said with a bit too much enthusiasm and realizing the sudden increase in her volume, looked down and turned beat red.
D’Marcus smiled to himself and folded his strong arms.
Suddenly it hit Kai, Haru likes him. He looked at her face and then back at D’s. He could tell the D’Marcus knew and she was fully aware of the fact that she was obvious in her attraction to him. Kai took a deep and painful sigh. Gritting his teeth, his said with a forced smile “How about them boxes, D?”
“Huh?” D’Macus had been staring at the girl, admiring her general sweet and feminine presence: long hair, long floral dress and a crème sweater conservatively covering her shoulders.
“Boxes,” Kai said flatly, void of any of his usual mirth.
D bit his lip. “Sorry,” he mouthed to him.
Kai just stared at him. They looked at each other in silence for several moments. If Haru liked D, he really didn’t have much of a chance. Not only was he an exotic foreigner who could speak good Japanese, he was educated, tall, strong and handsome and not to mention polite and nice.
“Yeah, boxes,” D nodded and tried to smooth things over with a gentle smile at him.
It didn’t work. Kai, jealous, just turned around and headed toward the storage room.
***
The back of Club Radio was crowded, teeming with musicians and their staff, with the people who worked at the venue, girlfriends and the occasional groupie inasmuch as bands of their caliber had groupies. Until they were able to amass enough members for their new band, Ruki had decided to help out as a roadie for Uruha’s. He sat next to him, flipping through a copy of Fool’s Mate.
“He’s so cool,” he muttered lingering on an image of Kiyoharu in Sads. Uruha glancing over looked at the photo and went back to practicing his songs on the guitar. He was already in his costume, his hair done up in pigtails.
Aoi finally came in muttering as Koji followed him rattling off crap.
“Are you listening to me?” Koji said, his bright blue hair spiked up around his head. His costume was a mismatching white suit with red paint splattered all over it.
“Yeah, of course!” Aoi smiled insincerely and tilted his head to the side. Like Koji, he was all ready to go on stage. He had on black lipstick and dark eyeliner and he wore a black tank top and black pants with a white skirt that was also splattered with paint. His hair was done up too in a fan like spiky puff one only sees on visual kei musicians.
“Good,” Koji nodded, naively believing him.
Hearing Aoi’s voice, Uruha immediately looked up.
“Hey!” Ruki called.
“What’s up,” he smiled and walked over to them. He avoided making eye contact with Uruha instead he tried his best to find reasons to stare at Ruki. “Whatcha doing here?”
“I’m a roadie for them,” he tilted his head toward Uruha.
“I see,” Aoi nodded.
“Can I talk to you?” Uruha interjected boldly.
Realizing that something must have happened, Ruki sat up and quickly looked back and forth between their faces.
Aoi took a deep sigh, trying to figure out how he was going to get out of having a private talk with him. “About what?” he asked between his teeth.
“We want to perform Kurenai later…and we could use another guitarist, if you are interested?” Uruha asked unexpectedly. Aoi of course, had thought he wanted to talk about what happened the last time they spoke. A feeling of relief flooded over him.
“Kurenai?”
“Yeah,” Uruha nodded.
“Um…Sure,” he agreed. Hearing that, Uruha smiled his baby smile. Aoi seeing his face light up, immediately looked away. “I have to go meet up with my band mates. I’ll talk to you two later,” he said quickly and turned away.
“Is he mad at you?” Ruki asked, closing the magazine and setting it down on the table.
Uruha looked down at his guitar, wondering if he should tell Ruki. If they were going to form a band, it might be a bad idea to develop these kinds of relationships. Deciding against it, he shook his head no. “Nothing too big,” he said and went to practicing on his guitar, this time going through the phrases in Kurenai.
One of the guys who worked the venue called out “La+Rougedeath”-which was Uruha’s band. He looked up. “Sound check,” he said as if it were the most boring thing in the world. He turned around and walked out.
“I can go do it,” Ruki offered. He was bored out of his mind and wanted something to do.
Uruha nodded. “I need to check my make-up,” he said, handing Ruki his guitar.
Out on the stage, there seemed to be some kind of fuss. Some people were bitching and whining. One guy irritated said loudly “Who gives a fuck? Quit wasting people’s time!” to which another person said “Lay off the douche.” Ruki walked out there and looked around. Several people were searching the floor for something.
“What’s going on?” he asked someone nearby. He was dressed up like a musician, wearing a matching plaid ensemble with white face paint and red hair.
“My band mate lost a necklace so we are trying to find it,” he said in a pleasant voice. He seems nice, Ruki noticed immediately. Figuring that things wouldn’t get moving until this missing piece of jewelry was found, he set Uruha’s guitar against a speaker and started looking around for the lost item.
Perhaps it was beginner’s luck because in a matter of seconds, something in the corner of his eye gleamed. Walking toward it, he found near a back speaker, a necklace. He picked it up and before he could even really get a good look at it, he heard someone call his name.
“Ruki?” the voice was shocked.
He looked up to see someone standing there, dressed in a white suit with crazily written kanji all over it, his hair dyed blonde but what was strange about him was the fact that he had this thing wrapped around his face, covering his nose. Ruki had seen some weird things before but this was truly strange. He tilted his head and looked at him, wondering how he knew his name.
“Ruki, is that you?” he said again. Reita’s voice. It was Reita.
Ruki couldn’t believe it. “Rei….ta?” he said slowly.
“Hey!!!” he smiled, happy that it was indeed Ruki. “You found my necklace,” he pointed and rubbed the back of his head.
Ruki with much effort, dragged his eyes away from Reita’s bizarrely clothed face to the necklace dangling in his hand.
It was the same one he had given him so many years ago back at the retreat.
“THANK GOD! SOMEONE FOUND IT!” someone announced, hearing Reita’s words. People clapped, sighs enveloped the room. In a matter of seconds, the crowd that had amassed on the stage dispersed.
“Wow,” Reita went up to him. “Um…” he was about to ask for the necklace back but since it was Ruki holding it, he felt a minor existential crisis.
“Reita?” Ruki looked up at him with wide eyes. He was in shock.
“Ruki,” he smiled and extending his arms, invited him to hug him.
Ruki stared at him, gradually coming to realization that this was reality. It was one thing to find the other three but to see Reita again, he didn’t expect it, he didn’t think that he would be fortunate enough to meet him again.
“Check one, check two,” someone said in a monotone voice through the microphone.
“No hug?” Reita laughed. Suddenly, like a storm, Ruki rushed at him and threw himself on him, squeezing him tightly.
“Reita, Reita, Reita,” he said repeatedly as if he was trying to convince himself of his existence.
“Gah!” Reita playfully squeezed him and lifted him off of the ground in a strong embrace. “I’ve missed you so much,” he said with a trembling voice.
Reita had tried everything to see him again. He called every day until finally Ruki’s parents blocked his number. He saved up his money and went to his house only to find out that they moved. He did everything that he could think of. He had finally resigned to fate. Perhaps, he will never see him again.
Strange. Once you stop looking, you find it. Or rather, it finds you. He smiled. But, it was too late, wasn’t it? Reita realized. Giving up meant giving in and letting go. He had let go of his love for Ruki, had resigned it to the past and looked back at it with a smile. He had no regrets. How could he? He did everything he could. For that moment in time, he was happy with him and for that, he was grateful.
But for Ruki, it was different. Unlike the others, time didn’t march gradually forward day by day, dragging them away from their friendship, from their love. His life was like a whirlwind, a storm that spun so quickly as he ran from himself and his family that he couldn’t keep track of the passage of time. Unlike the others, he felt as if that summer so long ago was only yesterday. Perhaps, he was more relentless, more demanding, more aggressive, more selfish. He wasn’t about to give in.
Even now, finding this necklace only proved to him that what was his was his. He finally pulled away from Reita slightly and with his arms still wrapped around his neck, stared at his face, smiling at that strange cloth band. Overwhelmed with affection and with the realization that Reita still kept that, their necklace, he stood on his tiptoes and kissed him deeply.
Reita stunned, let Ruki kissed him. His full lips enveloped him and he could feel Ruki trying to put his tongue into his mouth. But he couldn’t do this. He pushed Ruki away.
Other people on the stage gaped openly at them.
Ruki looked like he was about to cry. Never before in his life had he been pushed away like that and from the last person he thought would ever do such a thing.
“Ruki, I’m sorry,” Reita said in his sweet voice. “Um…I’m seeing someone and I can’t…”
“Seeing someone?”
“Yeah…2 years now…” he nodded. Why did he feel guilty? He had no reason to feel guilty.
Ruki looked down. It’s been 6 years. Of course, he’s moved on. Of course. Why wouldn’t he? “I see…” he muttered. “Um…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t. I got carried away.”
They stood there in awkward silence. Their happiness descending into shock.
“Hey, don’t worry about it!” Reita said with a forced laugh.
Ruki noticed that he was still holding the necklace. “When we see each other again, I’m going to give this to you because I love you too” Reita had said back then.
What did that mean now after all this time?
“Here,” Ruki said handing him the necklace.
“Huh? Oh…” Reita stared down at it. “It’s…”
“It’s yours,” Ruki said.
“But…”
“I know you were supposed to give it back to me when we met again…”
“And…”
“Because you loved me but…you know,” he shrugged, embarrassed for the both of them.
Reita didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t thought about whether or not he still loved Ruki. He believed that he still did in some way. He had come to terms with himself, with the way things were. But he didn’t feel for him like he used to and at the same time, he still felt a tenderness toward him.
“Please,” Ruki shoved it against his chest.
Reita put his hand on it, briefly their hands touched before Ruki pulled his away.
“Get the fuck off the stage,” the disinterested guy said to Reita, the one who had called for the sound check. He had no idea what they were saying but in a couple of hours, the show was supposed to start.
“Uruha and Aoi are in the back,” Ruki said. “I have to do this really quick and then, I’ll go back there,” he added quickly, avoiding Reita’s gaze.
Reita, shocked just nodded.
“Come on!” The guy shouted again.
[A/N I'm sorry this is SOOO late >.< I was really busy. I haven't really had a true moments rest. But things are going to be normal soon. I'm sorry I haven't replied to any comments! I will try to get to them later. ^^]