Forever & Ever 38
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33| Part 34| Part 35| Part 36| Part 37
With a long dramatic sigh, the ever theatrical Isao took a seat at the edge of his messy bed, still in a mass of disarray (he never made the bed and since Fuwa was busy, it was left in chaos) and gazed upon his final sculpture. It was smaller than what he believed his final work would be. Most people don’t think about those things: the last poem they will write, the last song they would compose, the final dress they would design but perhaps Isao was such a histrionic queen that he naturally let himself dream up such depressing things. In his mind, he always lived in an opera where no gown was too bold, no solo too long and no lyric too over the top. No, this wasn’t as pretentious-and yes, he didn’t mind that description, as he had imagined. At one point in his life, he thought he would make a 7-foot statue of a naked man not unlike Michelangelo’s David stark naked and extremely beautiful and tremendously homoerotic. Fuwa had talked him out of doing male nudes on several occasions merely because he was afraid he was going to make the penis a bit too large. “Naked man,” Isao had objected. “People think penis. Why disappoint?” But even if this last statue of his wasn’t the ostentatious declaration of his homosexuality, it was far more powerful-and privately so.
He tilted his head as he examined it; a metal bird in the midst of flight. Around the curve of the creature’s wings, the feathers were naturalistic but as they reached the tips, they took on a magical flare, flowing outward as if they were made of silk. Isao had made a point to close the bird’s eyes, adding another line at the bottom and a thickness of the lids. As it took the sky, the bird flew instead with its head pointing upward and its breast nearly sticking out, giving it the impression of someone running with their arms spread open and their eyes closed and chin pointing upward as they basked in the freedom of letting go of all physical inhibitions.
“Darling!!!!” he called out in a loud voice that immediately winded him and reminded him once again just how sick and horribly fragile he was.
“Coming,” Fuwa called out. He always called out, Isao thought as he sat there waiting for him to enter, smiling to himself. Sweet little Toru knew him so well. If he didn’t say he was coming, Isao would just yelp some more until finally he busted through the door, irritated at him for screaming out random synonyms of ‘Darling’ like Sugar Pie or Sweetheart and god forbid, puns on his name like Tender Toru or some other embarrassing nickname which Isao of course, was good at coming up with at a drop of a dime. “Yes?” he said softly opening the door and peering inside.
Throwing up his hands, Isao said with flourish “It’s done!”
Fuwa walked inside and taking a seat next to him on the edge of the bed, gazed at his lifelong lover’s final masterpiece as it sat there perched on the work desk, emerging out of the dust and disorder like a phoenix rising from the ashes. To him, the sculpture needed no explanation. At once, his mind was flooded with memories coming at him in a rush like waterfall flooding out of him in a current of powerful emotion. It was like the bird Isao had erected for him in that park where they had met so many years ago. But unlike that bird that seemed like a normal bird with its wings so high they almost touched, the flight of this bird was noticeably strange as it seemed to be flying toward the sun itself, fearlessly with its eyes tightly shut.
It was Isao, this bird and it was final farewell. For all his cleverness, Isao could never say what he could in his sculpture. No words could tell Fuwa the bittersweet beauty that he now saw his death. You can never know what waits beyond the line that separates life from death, a grand mystery that fills one with fear, the unknowing, the immensity of loss but like a bird that flies without its eyes, Isao was essentially saying that he was not despite his fear, going to go forward into the great unknown, chest up high toward the sky. And it was so much like Isao, Fuwa smiled at himself that he would see his soul as a bird with feathers made of silk. As he felt the hot tears running down his face, this last little bit of ostentatious Isao made him laugh lightly. Perhaps without this little bit of drama, it wouldn’t be him at all.
“It’s beautiful, my love,” he turned and kissed him on the cheek.
“Oh,” Isao playfully batted his eyelashes. “I know!” he said in a fake, showy conceit. “Now, after I die, it will make a killing on the market and you can go buy an island!” He laughed at his joke and quickly snatched his hand away as Toru went to lay a small reprimanding smack on it. “Oh come on! Take a bunch of tortured teens there and help them find enlightenment!”
Fuwa shook his head in disapproval, smiling at Isao’s dark humor. “You know I’m not going to sell it.”
“Well, when you die and your pet inherits it, I’m sure he will sell it and buy three closets worth of shoes.”
“Oh, Ruki wouldn’t do that.”
“Sure, he would!” Isao laughed heartily. “The baby queen better! If he didn’t, his brief time spent in purgatory with me would be rendered useless! I swear if that little faggot doesn’t, I shall be ashamed.” He rested his hands on his folded knees and assumed a pose, shaking his chin back and forth in the air with an amused smirk all the while on his face. “I showed him a magazine of suits yesterday-and yes, I was looking at what I want to be eventually burned in, and without even looking at the prices, he picked out the most expensive!”
“So, you two do spend time together?” Fuwa smiled widely as he listened to Isao go on and on, clearly enjoying himself.
“Sometimes, when he isn’t terribly consumed with envy. He has taste. Well, they do say opposites attract and since you have none, it makes sense that me and Ruki would.”
“Ah, I have no taste!”
“None baby. Well, you have taste in books, film, and men and sweetheart, that’s it. Clothing…god no.” Isao pretended to be scarred, shivering and sticking his tongue out as if the bad taste was quite literally a bad taste.
“I would say that I do it on purpose just to torture you but you and I both know that would be a lie.”
“You do it as a crime to the world. It’s how you balance out your sainthood.”
Fuwa found the remark extremely funny. Catching his breath through his laughter, he asked “Is it that bad?”
“Terribly.”
“Wow…I think I need an intervention.”
“You do but I fear that might make you mean.”
“I see. So if I want to be even nicer, I should dress worse.”
Adding quickly, Isao quipped “which is impossible” sending Fuwa into another fit of laughter. Catching him completely unaware, Isao suddenly threw himself on him, sending pressing his lips against his and him falling backward into the mass of blankets. Pulling away, he looked down at Fuwa as he laughed his deep hollow laugh. “I love my little philosopher,” Isao pecked him on the nose and ran the back of his fingers down his cheek, smiling lovingly.
“Well, I philosophize that he loves you too,” Fuwa joked playfully.
“See, I knew he had good taste in men.” Isao rested his head near his. Reaching out for his hand, he held it and took a deep sigh. He was tired, greatly so but even still at that moment, he felt lying there next to Toru, that he was young and healthy again and that they were like two boys in love with not a care in the world. Ah, to be young again! He closed his eyes and wished it feeling a bit pathetic as he let the idea flutter in his heart. He would give anything to go back in time and live it all over again. “My love, you gave me a wonderful life,” he whispered to him. “I’ve lived more in a minute with you than I ever could in a lifetime without.” Fuwa turned and looked at him with tears in his eyes. “What?” Isao smiled. He could tell he wanted to say something.
But Fuwa didn’t know what to say. The eloquent man was left wordless. The despair that overwhelmed him was only matched with the love and the joy that he felt flow through him, bringing everything inside of him to life. No words could describe what he felt, no words came to him in response to Isao’s and so, he merely looked at him mute, saying only what could possibly suffice. “I’m going to miss you, my love.”
***
“We probably should leave their apartment,” Uruha suggested, sipping a beer that he had helped himself to from Kameyo’s and Reita’s fridge. Ruki was sitting next to him with his arms folded tightly against himself, his lips pursing as the scene with Reita ran over and over in his head. When Ruki didn’t say anything in the response, Uruha went on, somewhat insensitively, “That was awkward” and then laughed a laugh not unlike one characteristic of the dorky young metal head he was.
“Do you think I’m controlling?” Ruki inquired somewhat philosophically.
Uruha merely shrugged. He never gave it much thought. “Didn’t you name your dog after him?”
“Yeah.”
“Because you want to indirectly have Reita as your loving pet?” Uruha had said it with no offense intended and Ruki who actually accepted Uruha for his peculiarities more than one would have expected, pushed out his bottom lip in a pout as he considered what he said. Tilting his round head, he tried to psychoanalyze himself as to why he named his new pup Akira. Maybe Uruha was right, maybe was trying to say that Reita ought to be his trusting adoring pet. That’s so fucked up of you, Ruki, he said to himself feeling a bit disturbed.
“If I get a nice ESP guitar, one with a beautiful black finish,” Uruha nodded as he fantasized about the instrument. “Maybe I will name it Yuu or Aoi-which might sound weird since it isn’t the color blue…maybe Hoshi or something like that…”
Ruki slowly turned and looked at him, feeling a mild sense of horror at just how crazy Uruha seemed to him right now. Perhaps, it was the timing. Just when he was feeling weird at naming his dog after the boy he wanted, Uru chimes in, talking about how he would name a guitar of all things, after Aoi. Uruha worshiped the guitar. But perhaps, it made sense that he would ultimately connect the two things he loved the most in the world but to Ruki, he just seemed psychotic in the fact that he was okay with coming off a bit obsessed and Ruki, realizing that he shared this aspect with him, felt a small pang of panic as the thought occurred to him that like him, he was a bit out of his mind.
“Your phone is ringing,” Uruha stated.
Ruki, snapped out of his horror and quickly dug his cell out of his pocket. “Hello.”
“Hey, Ruki!” Kai greeted him happily on the other end. Ruki could tell that he was in the car. He could hear the hum of the engine and the slight din of people talking in the background.
“Yo, Kai.”
“Heyyy,” he giggled in response. Ruki with narrow eyes threw a look at Uruha that immediately told him that Kai was acting strange.
“What?” Uruha mouthed.
Cupping the phone, Ruki whispered. “He seems high.”
“Maybe he’s drunk.”
Ruki bringing the phone back up to his mouth asked “So, why did you call Kai?”
“I have good news~”
“Drugs?”
“What?” Kai asked, legitimately confused.
“Nevermind. What’s the good news?”
“I just talked to Rey.”
“You talked to Rey?”
“And asked him if he would give up his role as the drummer of Gazette.”
Ruki felt his heart skip. Uruha seeing his eyes widen and hearing obviously, Ruki’s side of the conversation, had an idea of what they were talking about but still wanted him to say it. “You…you…are going to be in the band?”
“YUP!!!” Kai laughed.
“He’s going to join the band,” Ruki quickly told his friend who was sitting next to him on the edge of his seat, pleading with his eyes for Ruki to tell him and to break his anticipation. “Oh, I’m with Uruha right now,” he told Kai over the phone. “Oh…fuck…Kai, that’s so awesome.” He was so shocked that he was winded and instead of screaming with joy, he sounded as if he couldn’t catch his breath.
“So, we don’t have to talk to Rey?” Uruha inquired, remembering that bit of difficult business. Ruki shook his head no.
“Okay, okay we need to get everyone together so that we can talk about this,” Ruki talked quickly as if he needed to calm himself down and get a hold of the situation. “We need to tell Reita and Aoi and then we need to figure out about the tournament-WAIT! What about the tournament?!”
“I guess Lie:Death will just have to find a replacement quick,” Kai laughed. “Since I’m in Gazette now, I’m going to have to learn the songs fast aren’t I?!” He was on such a high that what normally would freak him out, was barely affecting him at all. It was like being on a tranquillizer or some form of anesthesia. What should have felt like a knife being dragged across his skin, felt like a feather tickling him.
“Fuck! You’re right…I hope Cat Fuzz doesn’t get pissed…”
“Well, if worse comes to shove, I’ll play for both bands. I mean, win or lose, Gazette still needs the time on stage in front of the big crowds at Cerberus.”
“True…true…” Ruki hummed as all the possible scenarios ran in his hand. The most likely thing he figured that Cat Fuzz would do would be just that. Gazette would technically be putting themselves at a disadvantage by suddenly replacing their drummer and if there was going to be a final to the tournament-and Cat Fuzz had a lot of money riding on it, Lie:Death was going to need a drummer and someone that knew their songs. This is really dramatic, Ruki thought. Cat Fuzz might even like this drama. It would perhaps draw more people to the show and catch the attention of what media actually covered the underground world of Visual Kei, certainly it will get all the girls talking. “I’ll talk to Cat Fuzz and see what we should do in a situation like this. Tomorrow, we need to meet up.”
“I agree.”
“Perhaps, Uruha’s? Or wherever we can put your drums…”
Cutting in, Uruha chirped quickly “I don’t mind.”
“Alright at Uruha’s,” Ruki said as if he were rushed. It was the excitement; it made him feel as if he had to get it all decided as quick as possible. “11 AM. Don’t be late.”
Happily on Cloud Nine, Kai replied with great enthusiasm “Not for the world!”
***
He didn’t own much. What he did have, he could fit in the confines of a large black backpack. But he didn’t take his guitar. He left it there in the corner leaning up against the wall. This was where Gazette would work on songs or practice and by leaving it there; it served as a symbol that even though he was breaking up with Uruha that he had no intention of leaving the band.
Kumiko leaned against the doorframe still dressed in her work clothes. She wasn’t an idiot. She knew exactly what was going on. “Why, Aoi? Why are you ending it? I don’t understand. Kouyou loves you more than anything in the world.” She was stunned to the point where she could barely talk. It just didn’t make sense. What happened that was so great that it could tear those two apart. But the longer the realization that Aoi was breaking up with her baby brother set in, her surprise began to grow into anger. Aoi took with himself, Kouyou’s happiness and no matter the reason, in her eyes, Aoi would never be anything but selfish and heartless to hurt someone who loved him as deeply as her baby brother did.
Aoi wouldn’t say anything to her. What could he say? How could he explain why he was doing this? What explanation would possibly suffice?
“If you walk out the door and break his heart, I swear to God, I hope you suffer until the day you die,” Kumiko hissed between her teeth, suppressing the urge to physically hurt him.
“You wouldn’t understand,” he mumbled as he zipped the bag up and threw it around his shoulder. He avoided looking at the bed that he slept in with him. He avoided even looking at the guitar that Uruha played, or the window where he would constantly look out making random remarks that only he could possibly understand.
“Of course, I wouldn’t!” She rolled her eyes. Kumiko grew more and more livid. Her anger was like a fire spreading throughout her body. “You know, you are nothing but the two-faced whore that everyone thought you were. How can you possibly be in a real relationship? All you care about is your goddamn self and your own goddamn pain. Don’t you realize you will break him?”
“Kumiko, I don’t have to listen to this.” Aoi was evading her gaze as he made his way past her and into the living room. But she wasn’t going to back off that easily. She immediately turned and followed him.
“Break him,” she repeated with extra emphasis. “I can’t let you leave and hurt him. You don’t understand how much you mean to him.”
“I understand perfectly well,” Aoi turned around abruptly and his eyes finally met hers. The protective sister was startled to see the look in the young man’s black and forlorn eyes, a mixture of fury and profound heartbreak but what seemed to have left her feeling the most shaken was the look of bitter confusion.
“Are you going to leave without saying goodbye to him?”
Before Aoi could answer, almost as if it were dramatically timed, the front door opened and Uruha, completely unaware stepped in, slipping off his shoes and making his way into the living room where finding his sister toe to toe with Aoi became immediately alarmed. “What’s going on?” His gaze jumped back and forth.
“I guess I’ll leave this to you,” Kumiko stepped back and within her voice, one could hear all the violence that was building up in her, threatening to overtake her. She balled her fist and turned around, taking in a deep and calming breath. She wasn’t going to let herself get out of control. She couldn’t. That would only make things worse for Kouyou. You have to be strong for Kouyou, she told herself.
“What is she talking about, Aoi?” Uruha turned and innocently looked at the man who watched him now, observing the delicate beauty of his face as if he were suddenly transported from this moment. And the distant look that was in his eyes as they lingered on the duck-like tip of his upper lip only left Uruha feeling even more perplexed.
“I’m leaving,” he answered almost inaudibly in daze.
“Leaving?”
“Not the band just…I’m not going to stay here anymore.” Aoi let his eyes fall and he stared at the floor blankly.
“You’re moving out?”
Building up his courage, he continued “I’m breaking up with you, Uruha. I don’t think that being with you at this moment is the best thing for me right now…not after what happened back in Mie and not after the way I’ve been so abusive to you. You need someone better than me.”
“No. No. No,” Uruha merely shook his head back and forth and repeated refusal over and over again as the realization slowly crept into his mind at what was happening.
“Yeah, you need someone who will want your kisses and your hugs all the time. You need someone much much better than me.”
Kumiko, as she heard the words come out of Aoi’s mouth, soft and tender, her anger toward him began to quell. Still, she couldn’t quite understand. She knew that whatever he was referring to, he must be wrong.
“I need you,” he said “I…need…” The shock was too great. It was almost as if the world was falling down around him and he was left in the center, watching it crumble into chaos and he had no control over it. “I need Aoi.” He lifted up his hands as if from a distance he could hold him in place. To Aoi, he seemed embarrassingly pathetic and it pulled at his heartstrings, making the moment almost tragically painful. Uruha looked so confused like a child abandoned in the middle of crowded street. The color in his eyes expanded and his lips, puffing up in his despair parted in shock. Instead of looking him in the eye, Uruha stared at his chest.
Fuwa was right, Aoi realized. Any normal person wouldn’t act like this if their lover left but Uruha was completely and utterly crushed. He was obsessed with him and it was disturbing almost the way a sentence from Aoi could either bring him to supreme happiness or leave him on the floor, muttering. It was frightening: the look in his eyes, the way his hands hovered in the air. Aoi had said to him once before a long time ago that he needed to be the sun, the everything if he were to be loved but he didn’t even understand what that meant and once he had it, once he realized that Uruha loved him to such an extent, the power of it terrified him. It was like gazing up a night sky full of stars and after the initial beauty of it has finally set in, the immensity of all struck within you, the fear of god.
“I have to go now. It isn’t right that I stay here,” Aoi let his eyes fall once more as he made his way past him and toward the door.
“Aoi, no.” Uruha like a child grabbed his wrist and threw his own weight to the floor, anchoring him there. “You can’t leave. You can’t leave.”
Kumiko turned and looked at her baby brother on hunched over on the ground, gripping tightly at Aoi’s wrist with both hands. He reminded her then of when he was very young and he would beg their parents, throwing fits until he would finally get the thing he wanted so desperately. The scene was almost painful to look at. He was almost a grown man and he was acting like he used to when he was a little kid. He thought if he cried enough, begged enough, if he stopped at nothing, he would finally get what he believed he needed.
“Aoi, please. I love you, Aoi. I love you. You can’t. You can’t leave,” he muttered and shook his head back and forth, back and forth.
“Let go” was all Aoi said. He had forced his eyes shut. He couldn’t allow himself to look or listen to Uruha. If he did, he might go back on his decision and if he were going to finally become a man, he needed to do it alone. He made up his mind. He couldn’t go back now.
“No.”
“Let go.”
“No. Aoi, please. Aoi, I love you. I’ll do anything you ask, anything. I won’t even sleep next to you if it bothers you so much. I promise I’ll give you your space. Just don’t break up with me.”
“I’m not leaving your life Uruha.”
“But, I need you.”
“You don’t need me,” Aoi tugged, trying to free his wrist but Uruha held on fast, refusing to release him.
“Yes, I do. I need to kiss you. I need you to touch me and say you love me. I need it Aoi. Please. I promise I’ll change. I won’t be so stupid or dumb or selfish or-or-or,” he stuttered in panic as he searched his mind for all the things Aoi had said he hated about him. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be just don’t leave me. Please. Look at me. Look at me, tell me what you want. Anything. Anything. Anything.” The more he talked, the more agonizing it became and Kumiko and Aoi could feel themselves tightening up inside as Uruha revealed himself almost pitifully. “Aoiiiii,” he whined. “Please,” he started to cry.
“Pull yourself together, Kouyou,” Kumiko couldn’t bare listening to it anymore. As soon as his voice turned into a whimper, she was resolved to intervene and pull her brother away.
Quickly Uruha got to his feet, awkwardly stumbling but he made the mistake of finally releasing Aoi’s wrist. Without turning around, he made his way to the door. Don’t look back, don’t look back, Aoi kept telling himself. He was in sole concentration like a monk in meditation. If he for a second, let himself think about Uruha, let himself grow tender even slightly he would cave in and give him whatever he wanted.
“No, Kouyou,” Kumiko threw her arms around her brother and held him back. “Let him go. Let him go,” she cooed doing her best to calm him down. With her fingers, she brushed the hair away from his face but Uruha didn’t care, he tried to push her off but she held on tight with every ounce of strength in her body.
“Stop, Kumiko, stop,” he whined and as soon as the door shut behind Aoi, he pushed her violently away. But in his panic, he couldn’t control his steps and he slipped, falling to the floor where Kumiko threw her arms around him again.
“There’s nothing you can do Kouyou. Don’t you understand? Whatever made him make this decision…has more to do with him than you, okay? Okay?”
“No,” he shook his head like a pathetic child. “Nooo,” he whined. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand.”
“Kouyou, listen to me. Let him go. Stop acting like this. You’re a fucking grown man. Pull yourself together.”
“But…”
“No, listen Aoi is right. He doesn’t deserve you.”
“Fuck you,” Uruha pushed her away and sent her sliding across the floor. In frustration, he buried his face in his hands and violently rubbed at them back and forth as if angry with himself. Finding what little strength was left inside of him, he got to his feet and walked slowly to his room. He fell onto the bed, exhausted and traumatized where for the rest of the night, he refused to move.
[A/N Sorry for the delay for this particular chapter. It was a mix of being tired, writing another fic, and waiting for my beta to approve this chapter. Usually, I just go head and post but I wanted to be sure of some of the ways I deal with the plot in this fic.]
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33| Part 34| Part 35| Part 36| Part 37
With a long dramatic sigh, the ever theatrical Isao took a seat at the edge of his messy bed, still in a mass of disarray (he never made the bed and since Fuwa was busy, it was left in chaos) and gazed upon his final sculpture. It was smaller than what he believed his final work would be. Most people don’t think about those things: the last poem they will write, the last song they would compose, the final dress they would design but perhaps Isao was such a histrionic queen that he naturally let himself dream up such depressing things. In his mind, he always lived in an opera where no gown was too bold, no solo too long and no lyric too over the top. No, this wasn’t as pretentious-and yes, he didn’t mind that description, as he had imagined. At one point in his life, he thought he would make a 7-foot statue of a naked man not unlike Michelangelo’s David stark naked and extremely beautiful and tremendously homoerotic. Fuwa had talked him out of doing male nudes on several occasions merely because he was afraid he was going to make the penis a bit too large. “Naked man,” Isao had objected. “People think penis. Why disappoint?” But even if this last statue of his wasn’t the ostentatious declaration of his homosexuality, it was far more powerful-and privately so.
He tilted his head as he examined it; a metal bird in the midst of flight. Around the curve of the creature’s wings, the feathers were naturalistic but as they reached the tips, they took on a magical flare, flowing outward as if they were made of silk. Isao had made a point to close the bird’s eyes, adding another line at the bottom and a thickness of the lids. As it took the sky, the bird flew instead with its head pointing upward and its breast nearly sticking out, giving it the impression of someone running with their arms spread open and their eyes closed and chin pointing upward as they basked in the freedom of letting go of all physical inhibitions.
“Darling!!!!” he called out in a loud voice that immediately winded him and reminded him once again just how sick and horribly fragile he was.
“Coming,” Fuwa called out. He always called out, Isao thought as he sat there waiting for him to enter, smiling to himself. Sweet little Toru knew him so well. If he didn’t say he was coming, Isao would just yelp some more until finally he busted through the door, irritated at him for screaming out random synonyms of ‘Darling’ like Sugar Pie or Sweetheart and god forbid, puns on his name like Tender Toru or some other embarrassing nickname which Isao of course, was good at coming up with at a drop of a dime. “Yes?” he said softly opening the door and peering inside.
Throwing up his hands, Isao said with flourish “It’s done!”
Fuwa walked inside and taking a seat next to him on the edge of the bed, gazed at his lifelong lover’s final masterpiece as it sat there perched on the work desk, emerging out of the dust and disorder like a phoenix rising from the ashes. To him, the sculpture needed no explanation. At once, his mind was flooded with memories coming at him in a rush like waterfall flooding out of him in a current of powerful emotion. It was like the bird Isao had erected for him in that park where they had met so many years ago. But unlike that bird that seemed like a normal bird with its wings so high they almost touched, the flight of this bird was noticeably strange as it seemed to be flying toward the sun itself, fearlessly with its eyes tightly shut.
It was Isao, this bird and it was final farewell. For all his cleverness, Isao could never say what he could in his sculpture. No words could tell Fuwa the bittersweet beauty that he now saw his death. You can never know what waits beyond the line that separates life from death, a grand mystery that fills one with fear, the unknowing, the immensity of loss but like a bird that flies without its eyes, Isao was essentially saying that he was not despite his fear, going to go forward into the great unknown, chest up high toward the sky. And it was so much like Isao, Fuwa smiled at himself that he would see his soul as a bird with feathers made of silk. As he felt the hot tears running down his face, this last little bit of ostentatious Isao made him laugh lightly. Perhaps without this little bit of drama, it wouldn’t be him at all.
“It’s beautiful, my love,” he turned and kissed him on the cheek.
“Oh,” Isao playfully batted his eyelashes. “I know!” he said in a fake, showy conceit. “Now, after I die, it will make a killing on the market and you can go buy an island!” He laughed at his joke and quickly snatched his hand away as Toru went to lay a small reprimanding smack on it. “Oh come on! Take a bunch of tortured teens there and help them find enlightenment!”
Fuwa shook his head in disapproval, smiling at Isao’s dark humor. “You know I’m not going to sell it.”
“Well, when you die and your pet inherits it, I’m sure he will sell it and buy three closets worth of shoes.”
“Oh, Ruki wouldn’t do that.”
“Sure, he would!” Isao laughed heartily. “The baby queen better! If he didn’t, his brief time spent in purgatory with me would be rendered useless! I swear if that little faggot doesn’t, I shall be ashamed.” He rested his hands on his folded knees and assumed a pose, shaking his chin back and forth in the air with an amused smirk all the while on his face. “I showed him a magazine of suits yesterday-and yes, I was looking at what I want to be eventually burned in, and without even looking at the prices, he picked out the most expensive!”
“So, you two do spend time together?” Fuwa smiled widely as he listened to Isao go on and on, clearly enjoying himself.
“Sometimes, when he isn’t terribly consumed with envy. He has taste. Well, they do say opposites attract and since you have none, it makes sense that me and Ruki would.”
“Ah, I have no taste!”
“None baby. Well, you have taste in books, film, and men and sweetheart, that’s it. Clothing…god no.” Isao pretended to be scarred, shivering and sticking his tongue out as if the bad taste was quite literally a bad taste.
“I would say that I do it on purpose just to torture you but you and I both know that would be a lie.”
“You do it as a crime to the world. It’s how you balance out your sainthood.”
Fuwa found the remark extremely funny. Catching his breath through his laughter, he asked “Is it that bad?”
“Terribly.”
“Wow…I think I need an intervention.”
“You do but I fear that might make you mean.”
“I see. So if I want to be even nicer, I should dress worse.”
Adding quickly, Isao quipped “which is impossible” sending Fuwa into another fit of laughter. Catching him completely unaware, Isao suddenly threw himself on him, sending pressing his lips against his and him falling backward into the mass of blankets. Pulling away, he looked down at Fuwa as he laughed his deep hollow laugh. “I love my little philosopher,” Isao pecked him on the nose and ran the back of his fingers down his cheek, smiling lovingly.
“Well, I philosophize that he loves you too,” Fuwa joked playfully.
“See, I knew he had good taste in men.” Isao rested his head near his. Reaching out for his hand, he held it and took a deep sigh. He was tired, greatly so but even still at that moment, he felt lying there next to Toru, that he was young and healthy again and that they were like two boys in love with not a care in the world. Ah, to be young again! He closed his eyes and wished it feeling a bit pathetic as he let the idea flutter in his heart. He would give anything to go back in time and live it all over again. “My love, you gave me a wonderful life,” he whispered to him. “I’ve lived more in a minute with you than I ever could in a lifetime without.” Fuwa turned and looked at him with tears in his eyes. “What?” Isao smiled. He could tell he wanted to say something.
But Fuwa didn’t know what to say. The eloquent man was left wordless. The despair that overwhelmed him was only matched with the love and the joy that he felt flow through him, bringing everything inside of him to life. No words could describe what he felt, no words came to him in response to Isao’s and so, he merely looked at him mute, saying only what could possibly suffice. “I’m going to miss you, my love.”
***
“We probably should leave their apartment,” Uruha suggested, sipping a beer that he had helped himself to from Kameyo’s and Reita’s fridge. Ruki was sitting next to him with his arms folded tightly against himself, his lips pursing as the scene with Reita ran over and over in his head. When Ruki didn’t say anything in the response, Uruha went on, somewhat insensitively, “That was awkward” and then laughed a laugh not unlike one characteristic of the dorky young metal head he was.
“Do you think I’m controlling?” Ruki inquired somewhat philosophically.
Uruha merely shrugged. He never gave it much thought. “Didn’t you name your dog after him?”
“Yeah.”
“Because you want to indirectly have Reita as your loving pet?” Uruha had said it with no offense intended and Ruki who actually accepted Uruha for his peculiarities more than one would have expected, pushed out his bottom lip in a pout as he considered what he said. Tilting his round head, he tried to psychoanalyze himself as to why he named his new pup Akira. Maybe Uruha was right, maybe was trying to say that Reita ought to be his trusting adoring pet. That’s so fucked up of you, Ruki, he said to himself feeling a bit disturbed.
“If I get a nice ESP guitar, one with a beautiful black finish,” Uruha nodded as he fantasized about the instrument. “Maybe I will name it Yuu or Aoi-which might sound weird since it isn’t the color blue…maybe Hoshi or something like that…”
Ruki slowly turned and looked at him, feeling a mild sense of horror at just how crazy Uruha seemed to him right now. Perhaps, it was the timing. Just when he was feeling weird at naming his dog after the boy he wanted, Uru chimes in, talking about how he would name a guitar of all things, after Aoi. Uruha worshiped the guitar. But perhaps, it made sense that he would ultimately connect the two things he loved the most in the world but to Ruki, he just seemed psychotic in the fact that he was okay with coming off a bit obsessed and Ruki, realizing that he shared this aspect with him, felt a small pang of panic as the thought occurred to him that like him, he was a bit out of his mind.
“Your phone is ringing,” Uruha stated.
Ruki, snapped out of his horror and quickly dug his cell out of his pocket. “Hello.”
“Hey, Ruki!” Kai greeted him happily on the other end. Ruki could tell that he was in the car. He could hear the hum of the engine and the slight din of people talking in the background.
“Yo, Kai.”
“Heyyy,” he giggled in response. Ruki with narrow eyes threw a look at Uruha that immediately told him that Kai was acting strange.
“What?” Uruha mouthed.
Cupping the phone, Ruki whispered. “He seems high.”
“Maybe he’s drunk.”
Ruki bringing the phone back up to his mouth asked “So, why did you call Kai?”
“I have good news~”
“Drugs?”
“What?” Kai asked, legitimately confused.
“Nevermind. What’s the good news?”
“I just talked to Rey.”
“You talked to Rey?”
“And asked him if he would give up his role as the drummer of Gazette.”
Ruki felt his heart skip. Uruha seeing his eyes widen and hearing obviously, Ruki’s side of the conversation, had an idea of what they were talking about but still wanted him to say it. “You…you…are going to be in the band?”
“YUP!!!” Kai laughed.
“He’s going to join the band,” Ruki quickly told his friend who was sitting next to him on the edge of his seat, pleading with his eyes for Ruki to tell him and to break his anticipation. “Oh, I’m with Uruha right now,” he told Kai over the phone. “Oh…fuck…Kai, that’s so awesome.” He was so shocked that he was winded and instead of screaming with joy, he sounded as if he couldn’t catch his breath.
“So, we don’t have to talk to Rey?” Uruha inquired, remembering that bit of difficult business. Ruki shook his head no.
“Okay, okay we need to get everyone together so that we can talk about this,” Ruki talked quickly as if he needed to calm himself down and get a hold of the situation. “We need to tell Reita and Aoi and then we need to figure out about the tournament-WAIT! What about the tournament?!”
“I guess Lie:Death will just have to find a replacement quick,” Kai laughed. “Since I’m in Gazette now, I’m going to have to learn the songs fast aren’t I?!” He was on such a high that what normally would freak him out, was barely affecting him at all. It was like being on a tranquillizer or some form of anesthesia. What should have felt like a knife being dragged across his skin, felt like a feather tickling him.
“Fuck! You’re right…I hope Cat Fuzz doesn’t get pissed…”
“Well, if worse comes to shove, I’ll play for both bands. I mean, win or lose, Gazette still needs the time on stage in front of the big crowds at Cerberus.”
“True…true…” Ruki hummed as all the possible scenarios ran in his hand. The most likely thing he figured that Cat Fuzz would do would be just that. Gazette would technically be putting themselves at a disadvantage by suddenly replacing their drummer and if there was going to be a final to the tournament-and Cat Fuzz had a lot of money riding on it, Lie:Death was going to need a drummer and someone that knew their songs. This is really dramatic, Ruki thought. Cat Fuzz might even like this drama. It would perhaps draw more people to the show and catch the attention of what media actually covered the underground world of Visual Kei, certainly it will get all the girls talking. “I’ll talk to Cat Fuzz and see what we should do in a situation like this. Tomorrow, we need to meet up.”
“I agree.”
“Perhaps, Uruha’s? Or wherever we can put your drums…”
Cutting in, Uruha chirped quickly “I don’t mind.”
“Alright at Uruha’s,” Ruki said as if he were rushed. It was the excitement; it made him feel as if he had to get it all decided as quick as possible. “11 AM. Don’t be late.”
Happily on Cloud Nine, Kai replied with great enthusiasm “Not for the world!”
***
He didn’t own much. What he did have, he could fit in the confines of a large black backpack. But he didn’t take his guitar. He left it there in the corner leaning up against the wall. This was where Gazette would work on songs or practice and by leaving it there; it served as a symbol that even though he was breaking up with Uruha that he had no intention of leaving the band.
Kumiko leaned against the doorframe still dressed in her work clothes. She wasn’t an idiot. She knew exactly what was going on. “Why, Aoi? Why are you ending it? I don’t understand. Kouyou loves you more than anything in the world.” She was stunned to the point where she could barely talk. It just didn’t make sense. What happened that was so great that it could tear those two apart. But the longer the realization that Aoi was breaking up with her baby brother set in, her surprise began to grow into anger. Aoi took with himself, Kouyou’s happiness and no matter the reason, in her eyes, Aoi would never be anything but selfish and heartless to hurt someone who loved him as deeply as her baby brother did.
Aoi wouldn’t say anything to her. What could he say? How could he explain why he was doing this? What explanation would possibly suffice?
“If you walk out the door and break his heart, I swear to God, I hope you suffer until the day you die,” Kumiko hissed between her teeth, suppressing the urge to physically hurt him.
“You wouldn’t understand,” he mumbled as he zipped the bag up and threw it around his shoulder. He avoided looking at the bed that he slept in with him. He avoided even looking at the guitar that Uruha played, or the window where he would constantly look out making random remarks that only he could possibly understand.
“Of course, I wouldn’t!” She rolled her eyes. Kumiko grew more and more livid. Her anger was like a fire spreading throughout her body. “You know, you are nothing but the two-faced whore that everyone thought you were. How can you possibly be in a real relationship? All you care about is your goddamn self and your own goddamn pain. Don’t you realize you will break him?”
“Kumiko, I don’t have to listen to this.” Aoi was evading her gaze as he made his way past her and into the living room. But she wasn’t going to back off that easily. She immediately turned and followed him.
“Break him,” she repeated with extra emphasis. “I can’t let you leave and hurt him. You don’t understand how much you mean to him.”
“I understand perfectly well,” Aoi turned around abruptly and his eyes finally met hers. The protective sister was startled to see the look in the young man’s black and forlorn eyes, a mixture of fury and profound heartbreak but what seemed to have left her feeling the most shaken was the look of bitter confusion.
“Are you going to leave without saying goodbye to him?”
Before Aoi could answer, almost as if it were dramatically timed, the front door opened and Uruha, completely unaware stepped in, slipping off his shoes and making his way into the living room where finding his sister toe to toe with Aoi became immediately alarmed. “What’s going on?” His gaze jumped back and forth.
“I guess I’ll leave this to you,” Kumiko stepped back and within her voice, one could hear all the violence that was building up in her, threatening to overtake her. She balled her fist and turned around, taking in a deep and calming breath. She wasn’t going to let herself get out of control. She couldn’t. That would only make things worse for Kouyou. You have to be strong for Kouyou, she told herself.
“What is she talking about, Aoi?” Uruha turned and innocently looked at the man who watched him now, observing the delicate beauty of his face as if he were suddenly transported from this moment. And the distant look that was in his eyes as they lingered on the duck-like tip of his upper lip only left Uruha feeling even more perplexed.
“I’m leaving,” he answered almost inaudibly in daze.
“Leaving?”
“Not the band just…I’m not going to stay here anymore.” Aoi let his eyes fall and he stared at the floor blankly.
“You’re moving out?”
Building up his courage, he continued “I’m breaking up with you, Uruha. I don’t think that being with you at this moment is the best thing for me right now…not after what happened back in Mie and not after the way I’ve been so abusive to you. You need someone better than me.”
“No. No. No,” Uruha merely shook his head back and forth and repeated refusal over and over again as the realization slowly crept into his mind at what was happening.
“Yeah, you need someone who will want your kisses and your hugs all the time. You need someone much much better than me.”
Kumiko, as she heard the words come out of Aoi’s mouth, soft and tender, her anger toward him began to quell. Still, she couldn’t quite understand. She knew that whatever he was referring to, he must be wrong.
“I need you,” he said “I…need…” The shock was too great. It was almost as if the world was falling down around him and he was left in the center, watching it crumble into chaos and he had no control over it. “I need Aoi.” He lifted up his hands as if from a distance he could hold him in place. To Aoi, he seemed embarrassingly pathetic and it pulled at his heartstrings, making the moment almost tragically painful. Uruha looked so confused like a child abandoned in the middle of crowded street. The color in his eyes expanded and his lips, puffing up in his despair parted in shock. Instead of looking him in the eye, Uruha stared at his chest.
Fuwa was right, Aoi realized. Any normal person wouldn’t act like this if their lover left but Uruha was completely and utterly crushed. He was obsessed with him and it was disturbing almost the way a sentence from Aoi could either bring him to supreme happiness or leave him on the floor, muttering. It was frightening: the look in his eyes, the way his hands hovered in the air. Aoi had said to him once before a long time ago that he needed to be the sun, the everything if he were to be loved but he didn’t even understand what that meant and once he had it, once he realized that Uruha loved him to such an extent, the power of it terrified him. It was like gazing up a night sky full of stars and after the initial beauty of it has finally set in, the immensity of all struck within you, the fear of god.
“I have to go now. It isn’t right that I stay here,” Aoi let his eyes fall once more as he made his way past him and toward the door.
“Aoi, no.” Uruha like a child grabbed his wrist and threw his own weight to the floor, anchoring him there. “You can’t leave. You can’t leave.”
Kumiko turned and looked at her baby brother on hunched over on the ground, gripping tightly at Aoi’s wrist with both hands. He reminded her then of when he was very young and he would beg their parents, throwing fits until he would finally get the thing he wanted so desperately. The scene was almost painful to look at. He was almost a grown man and he was acting like he used to when he was a little kid. He thought if he cried enough, begged enough, if he stopped at nothing, he would finally get what he believed he needed.
“Aoi, please. I love you, Aoi. I love you. You can’t. You can’t leave,” he muttered and shook his head back and forth, back and forth.
“Let go” was all Aoi said. He had forced his eyes shut. He couldn’t allow himself to look or listen to Uruha. If he did, he might go back on his decision and if he were going to finally become a man, he needed to do it alone. He made up his mind. He couldn’t go back now.
“No.”
“Let go.”
“No. Aoi, please. Aoi, I love you. I’ll do anything you ask, anything. I won’t even sleep next to you if it bothers you so much. I promise I’ll give you your space. Just don’t break up with me.”
“I’m not leaving your life Uruha.”
“But, I need you.”
“You don’t need me,” Aoi tugged, trying to free his wrist but Uruha held on fast, refusing to release him.
“Yes, I do. I need to kiss you. I need you to touch me and say you love me. I need it Aoi. Please. I promise I’ll change. I won’t be so stupid or dumb or selfish or-or-or,” he stuttered in panic as he searched his mind for all the things Aoi had said he hated about him. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be just don’t leave me. Please. Look at me. Look at me, tell me what you want. Anything. Anything. Anything.” The more he talked, the more agonizing it became and Kumiko and Aoi could feel themselves tightening up inside as Uruha revealed himself almost pitifully. “Aoiiiii,” he whined. “Please,” he started to cry.
“Pull yourself together, Kouyou,” Kumiko couldn’t bare listening to it anymore. As soon as his voice turned into a whimper, she was resolved to intervene and pull her brother away.
Quickly Uruha got to his feet, awkwardly stumbling but he made the mistake of finally releasing Aoi’s wrist. Without turning around, he made his way to the door. Don’t look back, don’t look back, Aoi kept telling himself. He was in sole concentration like a monk in meditation. If he for a second, let himself think about Uruha, let himself grow tender even slightly he would cave in and give him whatever he wanted.
“No, Kouyou,” Kumiko threw her arms around her brother and held him back. “Let him go. Let him go,” she cooed doing her best to calm him down. With her fingers, she brushed the hair away from his face but Uruha didn’t care, he tried to push her off but she held on tight with every ounce of strength in her body.
“Stop, Kumiko, stop,” he whined and as soon as the door shut behind Aoi, he pushed her violently away. But in his panic, he couldn’t control his steps and he slipped, falling to the floor where Kumiko threw her arms around him again.
“There’s nothing you can do Kouyou. Don’t you understand? Whatever made him make this decision…has more to do with him than you, okay? Okay?”
“No,” he shook his head like a pathetic child. “Nooo,” he whined. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand.”
“Kouyou, listen to me. Let him go. Stop acting like this. You’re a fucking grown man. Pull yourself together.”
“But…”
“No, listen Aoi is right. He doesn’t deserve you.”
“Fuck you,” Uruha pushed her away and sent her sliding across the floor. In frustration, he buried his face in his hands and violently rubbed at them back and forth as if angry with himself. Finding what little strength was left inside of him, he got to his feet and walked slowly to his room. He fell onto the bed, exhausted and traumatized where for the rest of the night, he refused to move.
[A/N Sorry for the delay for this particular chapter. It was a mix of being tired, writing another fic, and waiting for my beta to approve this chapter. Usually, I just go head and post but I wanted to be sure of some of the ways I deal with the plot in this fic.]