a big one - part one
I'm back into that mood that I was complaining about losing yesterday. Ok well not really. At work yesterday I had a train of thought, but by the time I finished work and came home and relaxed I wasn't really thinking along those same lines. Now I can again, but it's worse than that as well. I'm so tired. I can't believe that I had at least eight hours of sleep. I should be awake, but I'm not. I could probably sleep for another eight hours if I didn't have trouble sleeping during the day. I'm also really down, for reasons that I could probably pinpoint if I could be bothered right now. But I'm going to start back at Tuesday and the session with Eden just because I really wanted to write about it, and maybe by the end I'll be back to being inspired like I was then.
First up, Eden has resigned from there, and she leaves in a month. I've got one more session with her in two weeks, and then possibly another the week after, but after that she's gone. I was really lucky to get her the first time because she really is what I was looking for. I'm not very happy that she's leaving, but that's life really. Maybe she got a promotion. Maybe she's moving town. Maybe she has family reasons. Maybe she hates who she works with. Maybe her boss is an ass. Whatever, there's no way I could know why she's leaving. She said there's a good probability that I'll be alright on my own after she leaves anyway. I'm not sure how many sessions I've had, but I think I get twelve for free, and I've had eight or something I think. I think I might be. But it's days like today that make me doubt that.
Anyway.
We talked about those CBT exercises that I was supposed to have done but I always just forget to write about things because I don't see her as often as I used to. She asked if anything major had happened since I last saw her a month ago, and nothing has. We talked about Christmas and New Years, what I did, how I felt. She made a deal out of things when I said that I spent New Years with Mark's friends, and how that could have upset me but it didn't. We talked about my little core belief of "I'm not good enough" and the origins of that. I also mentioned getting annoyed at Mark on Christmas day for not wanting to spend as much time with my family, and how he always does that, and how "bored" converts to him not being comfortable, which ultimately reflects his core belief about himself instead of all the things I think are wrong with my family (which is just my little voice talking).
On a side note, I just called in sick for work this afternoon. I still have a bit of a cough, but it's not as bad as it was yesterday. I'm really just so tired and feeling flat, but I doubt that someone like Joe or Katie would understand being down as reason for calling in sick. Joe asked for a doctor's certificate, because it's my rostered weekend off, so it looks like I'm taking three days off instead of one (which is bullshit) and I said "I'll see what I can do". I have no intention of going to the doctor at all. I'm not sick enough to warrant a certificate saying that I can have time off work. I just feel like shit. And I hardly ever call in sick anyway. I'm not one of those people who calls in sick like every second week with something that couldn't possibly be wrong. And everyone knows that I've been coughing like a maniac for a week. They can just deal without the certificate. And they're lucky I called in today instead of yesterday. Five hours at 3pm is much easier to replace then nine hours at 7:30am. I don't feel bad at all. I might actually have a sleep now. I guess this means that I can't go out to the pub tomorrow night now with Mark like I was going to, but oh well I might just invite Ally and Charlotte over and watch movies again or something. Or I might just have a quiet one. I deserve a random day off for a reason that isn't "I'm dying" every now and then. Doesn't everyone? It's just cause today so happens to be the day before two rostered days off, I need to bring in a slip of paper. And I think also because a few other people have been sick lately as well.
Back to Eden now. We talked a lot about my little core belief, which is obviously "I'm not good enough". Like, why I've got it, where it came from, what it does, that sort of thing. She asked me to think about where it originated from, and we got a few different points. A big one was family. The fact that my father didn't even stick around long enough to see me out of nappies, or whatever. The fact that I reasoned that I wasn't good enough because he didn't want me. Now, I know that that's his own problem, that he was an idiot, or not ready to be a father, or whatever, but there's this little voice that goes "you just weren't good enough" and it's been there for the last twenty years (well, since I could think rationally or irrationally or whatever) and even though now I know that that's not right, it's just there still. Then there was the money, the fact that I've never had much of it. And it's not a case of not being given enough, because Mum has always made sure that Louise and I (and now Jayden and Bub) have had the best of what she can afford, and we've always had all the same things, not one of us was favoured over the other. It's just that I never had the pretty dresses, or the best toys, or enough to get noticed by the other kids. I blame everything that has gone wrong on my father leaving us, because if he didn't I wouldn't be so screwed up, we would have had money and I would have made better friends, because a girl with a Barbie doll isn't going to play with you if you've only got the cheap imitation. That's just the way kids are, and it's cruel. I didn't fit in because I didn't have the nice dresses and expensive toys. I made an upper class friend once, in year six, she was new to the school and I was assigned to sit next to her in class and show her around. I went to her house a few times, but she could never come to mine. We weren't friends for long. She found who she belonged with.
Another point I made was that I was the guinea pig child, and that I did a lot of things that Louise hasn't, and Mum hasn't really known how to deal with it. I have done a lot of things that Louise would never do, but we're different people and I'm pretty sure she's more secure in herself than I am. I grew up with fights and falling outs and everything. In year seven I fought with friends that I'd had for nearly two years. In year eight that girl came to school who wanted everything I had, my friends and my boyfriend, and my happiness. In year nine was the drama with that girl and the boy I liked at that point in time, as well as making new friends and throwing threats around where I said I was going to hurt myself. In year ten I fell out with Lyrah, I think that was the most quiet year. In year eleven I fought again with old enemies. In year twelve I had that big thing with JD and the racist text message that didn't even exist and whatever. And then in 2007 I had the whole Sarah drama and Mark's family hated me and what not. Louise has never done any of that. Louise has never been in trouble for writing notes in class that say that you're going to cut yourself. Louise has never been in trouble for saying rude things about other people. Though I'm sure if she had, Mum would have known how to deal with it better from screwing it up with me the first time around. Threatening to pull me out of school five months before my HSC was not a good idea. Telling me I'm stupid when I try to show that I'm just a little screwed up is also not a good idea. If Jayden or Bub ever do that, I'm sure now she'll be able to listen to them, not be lost like she was with me.
There was a few other things under the family heading, but I'm not quite sure of what they were. One was the disconnectedness of the family, which I refer to as the lackthereof. The fact that we've never been a solid family unit, that my father's side of the family paid next to no attention to us (back then, now we get like negative attention). The fact that with the exception of Ally, many of my close friends have had solid family units. Lyrah's parents were still together. Charlotte's parents are still together. Mark's parents are still together. Ally's parents are seperated, but at least they were married and together for a little while. When I was younger, a lot of my friend's parents were still together, and everyone was happy. Not mine, my parents had never even been together let alone given a chance to split up. I'm the eldest of a longish line of half relatives scattered all over the state and god knows where else. I'm the head of a line of girls that just wasn't good enough to root a man into being a father. I say it doesn't bother me, but maybe it really does. Way back then there was a little girl who got a tent for her sixth Christmas when all she wanted was a cubby house. I don't have any memories though, at that age disappointment was probably too hard to deal with so I just didn't remember it. But now I know how upset Jayden gets when John doesn't pay attention to him, and I wonder how it was for us. Was it the same for Louise, or did she already know that she wasn't the one he left first? I don't even know if that makes any sense. How can she be so well adjusted and me be so screwed up? Why doesn't this bother her?
There was another point under the origins heading, but I can't remember it. We wrote them on the board though, and the origins would form the argument for the core statement, they would give me reasons why I wasn't good enough. One point was all the fights I had at school. Like I wasn't good enough to make good enough friends, or keep them for that matter. I've fought with so many people, and I really don't know why or what I did wrong some times. I know that some people just won't like you, but the amount of people that didn't like me was incredible, and they always seemed so much more nasty. I know I always fought back, and I did a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have, but I still wonder why everyone seemed to choose me to dislike. Why I wasn't good enough to keep friends.
Another reason for the "I'm not good enough" argument that I didn't mention with Eden (which might be the one that gets the biggest response, especially from Ally) is the fact that I don't think I'm smart enough for anything. I've never been great at anything, only just always mediocre at some things. Lyrah was very studious, she spent so much time studying it was crazy, and that made her very knowledgable. Ally is very smart. She says she's not, but she is. And she tries very hard. Next to her I'm not really anything special. I'm not good at science like she is. I'm not good at anything like she is. I've never been the best anything. I was never a good dancer, or a great singer, or good at anything else I tried. I've done so many things growing up; netball, soccer, t-ball (when I was like six), piano, singing, violin, ballet, gymnastics, jazz, clarinet, violin again, but I have nothing to show for any of it. I couldn't ever keep up with anything.
Anyway, this is turning into more of an angry rant about how shit my growing up was. I don't think it was that bad really. I mean, it was better than some I know. But it sucked for me. Everything sucks for me.
I can't say that no one has ever loved me because I know that that isn't true. Even though at times it probably felt like Mum hated me, I know that she didn't. Knowledge at twenty doesn't really beat emotions at thirteen though, and I know that I've believed it at certain times. I've had a handful of friends that have stuck with me, like Ally and Charlotte and now Drena and Melissa. And I have Mark, who loves me for who I am, even though most of the time I have no idea why. When everyone has walked the other way, these people have stayed with me, even though I know I've pushed so hard some times. Ally and I are like two peas out of the same pod, we're both the same, except where I do my pushing, she does her indifference thing, but some how we've managed to survive not only highschool drama, but real life and the distance. Charlotte doesn't know much about much at all, but she's still my friend, and sometimes I wonder why she's got time for me when she's got so many other people she knows. Melissa is the same, I wonder what she's seeing in me that makes her stick around when she's got the choice of so many other, better, more stable, less idiotic friends. Or in Melissa's case, someone who isn't crazy in love with her and doesn't make her annoyed with that simple fact. Drena has been like my godsend, really. I love that girl to no end. I don't know why she sticks around with me so much but I'm so thankful that she does. Even though so many more people have walked out than have stayed, I can't discount any of these people. The positives should always outweigh the negatives, and I'm trying to see things that way. That's argument number one against "I'm not good enough". I must be, if these people are still hanging around, if they love me.
I guess I just found another big argument for it though. The fact that I've never been able to find a girl. Sarah fucked me over. Amy screwed me around to, but in the end she probably played me as much as I played her. Emma was just a slut. And Melissa is just unattainable. She was the best though, at least she actually liked me and still does, even if it is only just as a friend. At least we got somewhere, and we've finally beaten the differences (ok ok I've beaten my differences) and now things are ok. They're never going to be what I want them to be, but I've accepted that and have moved on. She'll be good to talk to, and good to hook up with randomly whenever I see her, but that's it. That's ok. I haven't really tried with many other girls, but there have been a few that I've thought to try with, but they've always given off the impression that they couldn't be less interested in anything else. And the first girl Mark ever tried to get for me said I wasn't "hot enough" for her. As much as I know that girls are hard enough to come by in a place like this, it just feels like it's even harder for me to find them. I'm hopeful that one day I will find a girl here though. And in the meantime I have my online girlfriend Drena, who one day I will see in real life.
Now that I've figured out what the origins and arguments for the "I'm not good enough" statement are, I need to fight them. Everytime that little voice in the back of my mind goes "that's because you......." I need to stop and breathe and reason against those arguments.
The thing is, I don't know where my body comes into this argument. Some days I love it, and others I hate it. I used to think I wasn't pretty, but then I realised I was (with my first boyfriend, back when I was like thirteen) and since then I've been pretty ok with it. I know I'm small and in proportion, and I know I have nice features and stuff. I know I'm skinny, even though sometiems all I want is to get rid of some weight around my legs and stomach. I know that wanting those things isn't healthy, but it's not something that is always on my mind. I've never had the "I don't look good enough" thing. I know I look good enough. I know I could look better if I tried. I know I'm pretty, or at least decent looking. Which sounds horribly conceited I know, but it's not. Come on, I hate everything else about me so cut me some slack and let me think I that I know I look good.
I don't know if there is anything I can do to change thinking that I wasn't good enough to hold a family together. Logically, I know it wasn't my fault that he left. I know that there was this little girl who was absolutely devastated, but that there was also this kid (yea, he was twenty) who was an asshole and a player and wasn't ready to settle down (and wouldn't be ready for another thirteen years and four kids). Eden says I need to "clean out the closet" and think about things from the outside, and think about what other people's core beliefs about themselves are to figure out why some things have happened the way that they have, but I'm finding it pretty damn hard to sympathise with this one. Sure, maybe he thought he wasn't good enough, or maybe he never wanted to be a father, or maybe he didn't love Mum like he was supposed to, or whatever. That doesn't make any difference to me. Living with us could have had him killed by the mafia or something tragic like that but in the end it still wouldn't make it ok. He should have done the damn responsible thing, even if it killed him. I don't sympathise or empathise with him because at the end of the day, his core belief about himself has influenced my core belief about myself, and ultimately, I feel I am not good enough because he didn't stick around. And that's all there is to it. Everything that has gone wrong as stemmed from that point (or from conception, or from the minute they met each other really). Sure things might be the same if I did have a solid family unit or whatever, I still might not be good enough or other things might have gone wrong, but I don't know that. What I do know is that because he fucked off, I feel like a failure. Because I wasn't good enough to make him hang around. He didn't want me. And it's not just him either, the whole fucking side of his family didn't want me, didn't want us. Even though my mind tells me that's not how it was, there's a little girl who believes it, and she'll probably always believe it.