Oh Rachael. I let you down. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry forever.

I'm shocked at myself, at how upset I am about everything going on here. Listening to all the rhetoric, all the cruel and biased statements, all the anger, all the self-righteousness. I'm angry about conflicting things; I'm angry from two sides. I'm angry about all the words words words words declarations from people who are saying "What I would ( Read more... )

One big reason for this journal is that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I'm also tired of being angry. Are there reasons for me to be angry? Certainly; I'm sure the same is true for everyone. But one thing I've learned over the years - well, at least over recent years; perhaps over the last year or two - is that anger doesn't ( Read more... )

Recently, I complained to my current belly dance instructor that I think dance just doesn't want me anymore. It's not the first time I've said that or something similar. I attributed it to the onslaught (I used the word "attack") that I and my family have been dealing with over the last couple of weeks. But here's the thing: this keeps ( Read more... )

What the hell does the universe have against me traveling? Back in August I missed the convention due to meningitis. Now, just three days prior to our 25th anniversary cruise, I have a severe stomach problem and can't even stand up, now that the projectile vomiting is done. It's amazing. Some health problem happens every time I'm supposed to ( Read more... )

I saw a movie today, "The Goddess," (1958, Kim Stanley). I was stunned. I know that woman, that character. I spent years feeling exactly the things she felt, the loneliness and desperation and doing anything at all to find love, to FEEL loved, the outbursts stemming from pain and anguish and a feeling of abandonment. I felt myself talking to her ( Read more... )

I'm literally into my 3rd (or 4th?) straight week of intestinal troubles. My system gets upset two or three times a year for a couple of weeks at a time. This time, it's been exacerbated by my mother's hospitalization and her subsequent "keeping in touch" with me once or more every day, except today, which has had me worried over what she expects/ ( Read more... )

And so it begins. Dreamt (more than once) of running through a dark city in fear, needing to get home to Darryl. First time, there was a young child (a boy?) running with me, trying to keep up with me. The other time I was desperately trying to get tickets to a show Darryl and I were supposed to go to, and we were very late, but because I refused ( Read more... )

Yes, depression. And here it comes. My stomach was already upset due to the periodic turmoil it goes through, but this continuation of it is accompanied by that familiar tug of sadness and overwhelm I know to be depression. It's no coincidence that this is occurring when I'm having to deal with my mother. My thoughts have been going to places I ( Read more... )

Three or four times a year, I go through a several-day to a couple-of-weeks period where my gut is just in painful turmoil. And voilà, here I am. Sucks.