35 + 1 Thinkies about "The Waters of Mars"
Gentlebeings of all configurations! We now present in the center ring the latest of the measly four Doctor Who specials that are being doled out unto us this year.
If you'll recall, when last we convened, Children of Earth nuked Torchwood fandom back to the Stone Age, so words cannot express how relieved I am that this is a Doctor Who episode, because that means that even if they pull a Turn Left and nuke England until it glows, they have to hit the reset button at the end. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S FOR KIDS.
As per tradition, I hereby restate and embellish my ground rules as I see fit: (1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. That means that these Thinkies WILL be filled with stupid speculations, CAPSLOCK LIEK WHOA and embarrasing overenthusiasm. I have been mocked in who_anon; I have been linked hither and yon around the Intarwebz as an example of ridiculously overemotional fandom hysteria; I have been banned from more communities than you've had hot breakfasts. DO I CARE? I DO NOT. I AM SQUEEFUL AND ENTHUSIASTIC AND PROUD AS ALL BLOODY HELL. AND SO ARE THE BRAIN KITTENS. (2) Oh yeah, that's right: when I watch these episodes I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident. (3) I am entirely unspoiled and seek to remain that way for future episodes. NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. An unspoiled Arachnid is a happy arachnid, and you wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. (4) Martha rocks and Donna is the Queen of Awesome, but in my heart I am a rabid Ten/Rose OTPer. You're allowed your own opinion, but remember: this is MY journal, so deal with it.
Are we good to go? Everybody set? Are you as giddy as I am? READY! STEADY!
GO!
1) Is the vid working? Oh! Yes, it's a web-cam thingy call. HEY LOOK! It's Servilia from HBO's Rome! Awesome! She looks as bored as I am about having to listen to daughter and granddaughter. Look at the fixed smile on her face. Uh-oh, it's breaking up. Foreshadowing? Is that you? Good to see you again!
2) TARDIS! DOCTOR! HI DOCTOR! HI CUTE RED SPACE SUIT! *Spider glomps on the Doctor. Brain kittens rub cat hair all over the Doctor's space suit* HI MARS! It seems Time Lords do need mechanical breathing apparatus on Mars. *Spider takes notes*
3) Hey, look at this, it's almost as if we're watching science-fiction. :) Oh you wacky humans and your cheap jokes, you're irrepressable!
4) Hey, is that a leftover matte painting from Space 1999? Does anyone besides me even remember Space 1999? And oh look, it's WALL-E with a gun. Or something. What a pathetic excuse for a pre-credits tease.
5) Nice new mix on the theme music. Right, Lindsay Duncan, that's Servilia's name. She is an amazing actress. OMG RTD BOOOOOOO! HISSSSSSSSSSS! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! *brain kittens hairball in RTD's shoes and pee all over his bed*
6) "The Doctor. Doctor. Fun." OH DOCTOR I HAVE MISSED YOU, and your babbling, and your gun hating, and your integrity, and -- "Gadget"? They call the thing "Gadget"? Yes, Doctor, it is "flimsy". You know, it's a really bad idea for it to keep sparking like that in an oxygen rich atmosphere, don't you think? And the technical term for the control mechanism is a "waldo". No, really. It was first used in -- *brain kittens thwap Spider* OW! RIGHT! SORRY! DOCTOR, ANYONE WHO BUDDIED AROUND WITH A ROBOT DOG CALLED K-9 DOES NOT GET TO DISS THE FUNNY ROBOT CALLED GADGET.
7) Oh, is this Silent Running as well? Oooh, carrots! Aaaaannnndddd, we have our monster sighting! Well screamed, Gardener Gal! I give you a 7 out of 10. *Brain kittens give it a 6, because they're tough judges*
8) What base did they call it? Bowie Base One? Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead, is something wrong? Can you hear me, Major Tom? *Brain kittens play air guitar*
9) FREEZE FRAME! Mission control in Houston breathed a sigh of relief when the first words via satellite communication were received from Bowie Base One, the first colony set up on Mars. Launched from Houston with an ENTIRELY BRITISH CREW. Yah, that'll happen on American turf. *Spider rolls eyes. Brain kittens thwap Spider* OW! JEEZ! Okay, the names of our colonists are: Captain Adelaide Brooke (that's Servilia), Edward Gold, Dr Tarak Ital MD (sic - the editor should have known that's redundant, you don't need "Dr" if you have "MD") *brain kittens thwap Spider* HEY! Copy editing is a dying art! Nurse Yuri Kerenski, Senior Technician (YOU DON'T NEED A COMMA THERE *thwap* OW! I STAND UP FOR MY GRAMMATICAL INTEGRITY DAMMIT!) Steffi Erlich, Junior Technician NO COMMA *thwap* OW! Roman Groom, Geologist NO COMMA *thw-- SPIDER DUCKS* Mia Bennett, Officer Margaret Cain and Officer Andrew Stone.
END FREEZE FRAME. YOU'RE WELCOME.
10) Okay, it's not an entirely British crew. It's a multinational, multicultural crew travelling to the Red Planet in Peace And Harmony! *brain kittens sing Kumbaya* And they're all going to DIE DIE DIE! WHEEEE!
11) "Oh well, dogs, that's different." Whatever you say, Doctor. *snort*
12) Doctor, please don't call her Captain Adelaide. She's Captain Brooke, thank you very much. You were just talking about how giving silly names to robots diminishes them, let's give living, breathing women the same respect, all right? *Brain kittens do NOT thwap Spider because they agree 100%* I must say, though, it's a blessing to see the Doctor go adventuring with a woman who isn't a hot young babe. It's about fucking time.
13) "To stand on a world with no smoke, where the only straight line is the sunlight..." Beautiful, evocative writing, delivered to perfection by Britain's great actors, in a geeky science fiction show ostensibly for kids. I LOVE DOCTOR WHO EVEN WHEN IT'S WRITTEN BY RTD.
14) Sonic screwdriver sighting! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* "Maintenance man of the universe." Hee!
15) Wow, Yuri went to the Pavel Chekov School of Russian Accent faking.
16) You know why Andy's dripping? Because HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HIS TOWEL IS! HA! *Spider cracks self up. Brain kittens hairball in Spider's shoes*
17) "His husband." RTD GAY AGENDA SIGHTING! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* You know, it really fucking ticks me off that RTD is still going on with the Gay Agenda after pushing Ianto under the bus like a goddamn red-shirt *Brain kittens half-heartedly thwap Spider* Sigh, okay, we won't go there. FOR NOW. *Spider finishes beer, goes to get another beer*
18) Eewww. Someone get Maggie a drool bucket.
19) Hee! I love listening to Adelaide and the Doctor yabber on over each other. That's cool.
20) So... water? Their weapon is water? If they love water so much, why are they wasting it by dripping it all over the place? *Brain kittens thwap Spider* OW! Okay, okay, right. Don't step in the plot holes!
21) "DON'T DRINK THE WATER." Hee! Is this Mars, or a cheap vacation cruise? LOL!
22) Aaaaand they're off and running! Lots and lots of running! It's a Jet Segway! AWESOME!
23) Oh, Doctor. Yeah yeah yeah you should leave. You know you're not going to leave. There you go, not leaving!
24) Drippy Maggie starts screaming? Whatever. Plot plot plot. We care not for plot. Why don't they just pull some power lines out of the wall and throw a live electric line on the Drippy People, or send in SPARKY THE ROBOT -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider* NOW WHAT? Oh, right, I'm not allowed to be smarter than the episode. CARRY ON!
25) Oh, I love it when the Doctor gets all timey-wimey. *hearts* Uh-oh! We're getting back story on Captain Brooke -- that means she'll be dead soon. Well, we know they all have to die by the end of the programme, this being a "fixed moment" and all, but this is Captain Brooke's big emo monolog so we Empathize With Her. She met the Dalek and lived to tell the tale, and does not seek revenge! And her descendants lead humanity to the stars! CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!
26) The whole thing with the bikes just makes me want to say, "Mine has a bell!" *Spider mourns Ianto* *Brain kittens remind Spider that Ianto is ALIVE AND WELL IN THE 53rd CENTURY!* *Spider is happy again!*
27) OH NOES! It's the slo-mo of heroism, complete with single soulful voice raised in elegiac song! And we get Emo Doctor with puppy eyes, and references to Pompeii. "Your death creates the future." The violin in the background sounds like the Eowyn theme in Peter Jackson's movie of The Two Towers. What -- the Dalek KNEW that he shouldn't kill her because her death is fixed in time? Somehow that seems a bit out of character -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider* OW. GOTCHA. No speculating about the motivations of Daleks when suddenly there's shouting and water rushing and we're back to the peril! CUE PERIL! PERIL, YOU ARE WANTED ON SET!
28) I'm sorry, but I just can't get all freaked out when the villain of this episode is an EVIL SPRINKLER SYSTEM. It just doesn't give me that frisson of imminent danger, you know what I'm sayin'?
29) And the Doctor keeps walkin' and keeps walkin' off into the glowing red landscape with grim determination in his eyes, leaving the heroic, doomed colonists to their... um... heroic doom. And the music swells, and the fires rage EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO OXYGEN and now -- wait, the Doctor is having some kind of PTSD flashback? Wha? And is that more ripoff "Lord of the Rings" soundtrack music? Because it sure sounds like it. And wait, after all the "I can't stay, I gotta go" shit he comes back? OF COURSE HE DOES, HE'S THE DOCTOR! What does this have to do with being the Last of the Time Lords? Oh, knock 3 times, knock 4 times, quit knocking around! Just because YOU don't die doesn't mean THEY won't --
30) Oh NOW you remember that water and electricity are a bad mix. *Spider rolls eyes* Such a bloody genius HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP! "There are laws. There are laws of time. Once upon a time there were people in charge of those laws, but they died. They all died. Do you know who that leaves? ME! It's taken me all these years to realize, the laws of time are mine, and THEY WILL OBEY ME!" HOLY FUCKING CRAP! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT'S THE SHIT, RIGHT THERE! I LOVE MY DOCTOR! *Brain kittens are knocked on their arses by THE AWESOME!*
31) Here goes SPARKY THE FUCKING ROBOT. The Doctor does his best thinking when he's desperate and megalomaniac, don't you agree? But AGAIN -- HOW does Sparky the Robot make sparks and flames out in the OXYGENLESS atmosphere of Mars? I swear to all the gods if the Doctor doesn't figure out how to get a remote control on the TARDIS --
32) SNOW? Fucking SNOW? It's the tradition on these specials, I guess. Aaaaand... "It's bigger on the inside." DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
33) "No one should have that much power." "Tough." AWESOME. "Oh, I'm good!" "Who decides they're so unimportant, you?" "I'm the winner, that's who I am. Time Lord Victorious." "And there's no one to stop you? The Time Lord Victorious is wrong." "That's for me to decide." "Is there nothing you can't do?" "Not anymore." HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT...
34) HOLY SHIT. WOW. WHOA. AWESOME. AAAAAAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOOOOD! OMG!
35) In conclusion: The mediocrity of most of this episode, which honestly seemed reminiscent of plots like "42" and "The Satan Pit", was redeemed in its entirety by the final 15 minutes. In the blink of an eye, it went from "eh" to "OMG." To me, that means that most of this story was filler, serving only to set up the character development of the last 15 minutes so as to lead into the next special, which if I'm not mistaken is David Tennant's last. On that note, I will leave you with my...
Plus One for the Teaser: MINE IS AN EEEEVIL LAUGH! AND THE GANG'S ALL HERE!
If you'll recall, when last we convened, Children of Earth nuked Torchwood fandom back to the Stone Age, so words cannot express how relieved I am that this is a Doctor Who episode, because that means that even if they pull a Turn Left and nuke England until it glows, they have to hit the reset button at the end. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S FOR KIDS.
As per tradition, I hereby restate and embellish my ground rules as I see fit: (1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. That means that these Thinkies WILL be filled with stupid speculations, CAPSLOCK LIEK WHOA and embarrasing overenthusiasm. I have been mocked in who_anon; I have been linked hither and yon around the Intarwebz as an example of ridiculously overemotional fandom hysteria; I have been banned from more communities than you've had hot breakfasts. DO I CARE? I DO NOT. I AM SQUEEFUL AND ENTHUSIASTIC AND PROUD AS ALL BLOODY HELL. AND SO ARE THE BRAIN KITTENS. (2) Oh yeah, that's right: when I watch these episodes I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident. (3) I am entirely unspoiled and seek to remain that way for future episodes. NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. An unspoiled Arachnid is a happy arachnid, and you wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. (4) Martha rocks and Donna is the Queen of Awesome, but in my heart I am a rabid Ten/Rose OTPer. You're allowed your own opinion, but remember: this is MY journal, so deal with it.
Are we good to go? Everybody set? Are you as giddy as I am? READY! STEADY!
GO!
1) Is the vid working? Oh! Yes, it's a web-cam thingy call. HEY LOOK! It's Servilia from HBO's Rome! Awesome! She looks as bored as I am about having to listen to daughter and granddaughter. Look at the fixed smile on her face. Uh-oh, it's breaking up. Foreshadowing? Is that you? Good to see you again!
2) TARDIS! DOCTOR! HI DOCTOR! HI CUTE RED SPACE SUIT! *Spider glomps on the Doctor. Brain kittens rub cat hair all over the Doctor's space suit* HI MARS! It seems Time Lords do need mechanical breathing apparatus on Mars. *Spider takes notes*
3) Hey, look at this, it's almost as if we're watching science-fiction. :) Oh you wacky humans and your cheap jokes, you're irrepressable!
4) Hey, is that a leftover matte painting from Space 1999? Does anyone besides me even remember Space 1999? And oh look, it's WALL-E with a gun. Or something. What a pathetic excuse for a pre-credits tease.
5) Nice new mix on the theme music. Right, Lindsay Duncan, that's Servilia's name. She is an amazing actress. OMG RTD BOOOOOOO! HISSSSSSSSSSS! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! *brain kittens hairball in RTD's shoes and pee all over his bed*
6) "The Doctor. Doctor. Fun." OH DOCTOR I HAVE MISSED YOU, and your babbling, and your gun hating, and your integrity, and -- "Gadget"? They call the thing "Gadget"? Yes, Doctor, it is "flimsy". You know, it's a really bad idea for it to keep sparking like that in an oxygen rich atmosphere, don't you think? And the technical term for the control mechanism is a "waldo". No, really. It was first used in -- *brain kittens thwap Spider* OW! RIGHT! SORRY! DOCTOR, ANYONE WHO BUDDIED AROUND WITH A ROBOT DOG CALLED K-9 DOES NOT GET TO DISS THE FUNNY ROBOT CALLED GADGET.
7) Oh, is this Silent Running as well? Oooh, carrots! Aaaaannnndddd, we have our monster sighting! Well screamed, Gardener Gal! I give you a 7 out of 10. *Brain kittens give it a 6, because they're tough judges*
8) What base did they call it? Bowie Base One? Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead, is something wrong? Can you hear me, Major Tom? *Brain kittens play air guitar*
9) FREEZE FRAME! Mission control in Houston breathed a sigh of relief when the first words via satellite communication were received from Bowie Base One, the first colony set up on Mars. Launched from Houston with an ENTIRELY BRITISH CREW. Yah, that'll happen on American turf. *Spider rolls eyes. Brain kittens thwap Spider* OW! JEEZ! Okay, the names of our colonists are: Captain Adelaide Brooke (that's Servilia), Edward Gold, Dr Tarak Ital MD (sic - the editor should have known that's redundant, you don't need "Dr" if you have "MD") *brain kittens thwap Spider* HEY! Copy editing is a dying art! Nurse Yuri Kerenski, Senior Technician (YOU DON'T NEED A COMMA THERE *thwap* OW! I STAND UP FOR MY GRAMMATICAL INTEGRITY DAMMIT!) Steffi Erlich, Junior Technician NO COMMA *thwap* OW! Roman Groom, Geologist NO COMMA *thw-- SPIDER DUCKS* Mia Bennett, Officer Margaret Cain and Officer Andrew Stone.
END FREEZE FRAME. YOU'RE WELCOME.
10) Okay, it's not an entirely British crew. It's a multinational, multicultural crew travelling to the Red Planet in Peace And Harmony! *brain kittens sing Kumbaya* And they're all going to DIE DIE DIE! WHEEEE!
11) "Oh well, dogs, that's different." Whatever you say, Doctor. *snort*
12) Doctor, please don't call her Captain Adelaide. She's Captain Brooke, thank you very much. You were just talking about how giving silly names to robots diminishes them, let's give living, breathing women the same respect, all right? *Brain kittens do NOT thwap Spider because they agree 100%* I must say, though, it's a blessing to see the Doctor go adventuring with a woman who isn't a hot young babe. It's about fucking time.
13) "To stand on a world with no smoke, where the only straight line is the sunlight..." Beautiful, evocative writing, delivered to perfection by Britain's great actors, in a geeky science fiction show ostensibly for kids. I LOVE DOCTOR WHO EVEN WHEN IT'S WRITTEN BY RTD.
14) Sonic screwdriver sighting! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* "Maintenance man of the universe." Hee!
15) Wow, Yuri went to the Pavel Chekov School of Russian Accent faking.
16) You know why Andy's dripping? Because HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HIS TOWEL IS! HA! *Spider cracks self up. Brain kittens hairball in Spider's shoes*
17) "His husband." RTD GAY AGENDA SIGHTING! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* You know, it really fucking ticks me off that RTD is still going on with the Gay Agenda after pushing Ianto under the bus like a goddamn red-shirt *Brain kittens half-heartedly thwap Spider* Sigh, okay, we won't go there. FOR NOW. *Spider finishes beer, goes to get another beer*
18) Eewww. Someone get Maggie a drool bucket.
19) Hee! I love listening to Adelaide and the Doctor yabber on over each other. That's cool.
20) So... water? Their weapon is water? If they love water so much, why are they wasting it by dripping it all over the place? *Brain kittens thwap Spider* OW! Okay, okay, right. Don't step in the plot holes!
21) "DON'T DRINK THE WATER." Hee! Is this Mars, or a cheap vacation cruise? LOL!
22) Aaaaand they're off and running! Lots and lots of running! It's a Jet Segway! AWESOME!
23) Oh, Doctor. Yeah yeah yeah you should leave. You know you're not going to leave. There you go, not leaving!
24) Drippy Maggie starts screaming? Whatever. Plot plot plot. We care not for plot. Why don't they just pull some power lines out of the wall and throw a live electric line on the Drippy People, or send in SPARKY THE ROBOT -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider* NOW WHAT? Oh, right, I'm not allowed to be smarter than the episode. CARRY ON!
25) Oh, I love it when the Doctor gets all timey-wimey. *hearts* Uh-oh! We're getting back story on Captain Brooke -- that means she'll be dead soon. Well, we know they all have to die by the end of the programme, this being a "fixed moment" and all, but this is Captain Brooke's big emo monolog so we Empathize With Her. She met the Dalek and lived to tell the tale, and does not seek revenge! And her descendants lead humanity to the stars! CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!
26) The whole thing with the bikes just makes me want to say, "Mine has a bell!" *Spider mourns Ianto* *Brain kittens remind Spider that Ianto is ALIVE AND WELL IN THE 53rd CENTURY!* *Spider is happy again!*
27) OH NOES! It's the slo-mo of heroism, complete with single soulful voice raised in elegiac song! And we get Emo Doctor with puppy eyes, and references to Pompeii. "Your death creates the future." The violin in the background sounds like the Eowyn theme in Peter Jackson's movie of The Two Towers. What -- the Dalek KNEW that he shouldn't kill her because her death is fixed in time? Somehow that seems a bit out of character -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider* OW. GOTCHA. No speculating about the motivations of Daleks when suddenly there's shouting and water rushing and we're back to the peril! CUE PERIL! PERIL, YOU ARE WANTED ON SET!
28) I'm sorry, but I just can't get all freaked out when the villain of this episode is an EVIL SPRINKLER SYSTEM. It just doesn't give me that frisson of imminent danger, you know what I'm sayin'?
29) And the Doctor keeps walkin' and keeps walkin' off into the glowing red landscape with grim determination in his eyes, leaving the heroic, doomed colonists to their... um... heroic doom. And the music swells, and the fires rage EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO OXYGEN and now -- wait, the Doctor is having some kind of PTSD flashback? Wha? And is that more ripoff "Lord of the Rings" soundtrack music? Because it sure sounds like it. And wait, after all the "I can't stay, I gotta go" shit he comes back? OF COURSE HE DOES, HE'S THE DOCTOR! What does this have to do with being the Last of the Time Lords? Oh, knock 3 times, knock 4 times, quit knocking around! Just because YOU don't die doesn't mean THEY won't --
30) Oh NOW you remember that water and electricity are a bad mix. *Spider rolls eyes* Such a bloody genius HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP! "There are laws. There are laws of time. Once upon a time there were people in charge of those laws, but they died. They all died. Do you know who that leaves? ME! It's taken me all these years to realize, the laws of time are mine, and THEY WILL OBEY ME!" HOLY FUCKING CRAP! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT'S THE SHIT, RIGHT THERE! I LOVE MY DOCTOR! *Brain kittens are knocked on their arses by THE AWESOME!*
31) Here goes SPARKY THE FUCKING ROBOT. The Doctor does his best thinking when he's desperate and megalomaniac, don't you agree? But AGAIN -- HOW does Sparky the Robot make sparks and flames out in the OXYGENLESS atmosphere of Mars? I swear to all the gods if the Doctor doesn't figure out how to get a remote control on the TARDIS --
32) SNOW? Fucking SNOW? It's the tradition on these specials, I guess. Aaaaand... "It's bigger on the inside." DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
33) "No one should have that much power." "Tough." AWESOME. "Oh, I'm good!" "Who decides they're so unimportant, you?" "I'm the winner, that's who I am. Time Lord Victorious." "And there's no one to stop you? The Time Lord Victorious is wrong." "That's for me to decide." "Is there nothing you can't do?" "Not anymore." HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT...
34) HOLY SHIT. WOW. WHOA. AWESOME. AAAAAAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOOOOD! OMG!
35) In conclusion: The mediocrity of most of this episode, which honestly seemed reminiscent of plots like "42" and "The Satan Pit", was redeemed in its entirety by the final 15 minutes. In the blink of an eye, it went from "eh" to "OMG." To me, that means that most of this story was filler, serving only to set up the character development of the last 15 minutes so as to lead into the next special, which if I'm not mistaken is David Tennant's last. On that note, I will leave you with my...
Plus One for the Teaser: MINE IS AN EEEEVIL LAUGH! AND THE GANG'S ALL HERE!