45 + 1 Thinkies about "Children of Earth: Day One"
And now, gentlebeings of all configurations: what you've all been waiting for! Our headlining act, in the center ring! We present: the one, the only, first installment of TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH!
*Spider keels over thud* Holy crap, I can't believe it's finally here. *Spider gets up, dusts self off*
Since I've got a lot of new friends since the last time I did one of these things (HI NEW FRIENDS! *Spider waves*) I'm going to restate the Thinkies ground rules: (1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. (2) I am entirely unspoiled (except for the adverts and trailers and promo pix that have been UNAVOIDABLE) (and those fucking RUMORS which are IDIOTIC) and seek to remain that way for future episodes. NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. (3) I am an absolutely rabid Jack/Ianto shipper. You're allowed your own opinion, but remember: this is MY journal, so deal with it. (4) Before I watch each episode I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident.
Got it? We ready to go now? Really? REALLY? (OMG I have butterflies in my tummy!) OKAY THEN!
1) 1965 Scotland. Pretty coach. BIG hair ribbons. Did girls really wear those? Are they going to Hogwarts? Aren't all schoolchildren driving through the middle of nowhere in Scotland going to -- oooh! The bus grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere, just like the Hogwarts Express did in Prisoner of Azkaban! Where's Remus Lupin when you need him?
...what? *shifty eyes* I'm polyfanish! What's wrong with that? Like you're not!
2) Okay, we're not in Prisoner of Azkaban, we're in the X-Files. That'll do too. :)
3) Weird title card -- by which I mean "ominous". And only a taste of the theme music.
4) Hi, Cardiff! HI, GWEN! I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! *hugs* You look so fine in your red top. Is your hair better too, or am I just so damn glad to see you that you have never been more beautiful?
Oh, yeah, there are some kids standing around frozen as well. That's plot. We care not a jot for plot! *waves plot away imperiously*
5) RHYS! OI! RHYS! I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! *hugs* Nice shoutout to Abbey Road there. :)
6) IT'S THE HUB! THE HUB! And it's BEAUTIFUL, in all its steampunky glory. Is it me, or does it look more fantastic with each new series? Or am I just so damn glad to see it that it has NEVER BEEN MORE BEAUTIFUL?
7) "Shenanigans in the dark." BWAHA! *hearts*
8) Aw, Owen and Tosh. :( RIP, kids. *hearts*
9) IT'S JACK! AND IANTO! STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER! TURNING AT THE SAME TIME! OMG OMG OMG! THEY'RE ACTUALLY SAYING SOMETHING I'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE! *Spider keels over thud* *Brain kittens fan Spider and bring her a beer*
...Right, where were we? OMG JACK AND IANTO ARE -- *Brain kittens thwack Spider* Right, where were we? Right, they're saying something, I should be paying attention to that, right? OMG LOOK AT IANTO'S SHIRT AND TIE! And Jack's EYES! And -- *brain kittens thwack Spider*
...it's going to be a long, long episode at this rate. LOL!
10) So they're saying something about... Mr. Williams? Not Rhys' dad or something? Oh! No! They're LYING! Sneaky Torchwood! :) OMG Jack has his hand on Ianto's shoulder and saying they live together and even if it's a sneaky Torchwood lie it's the BEST LIE EVER!
11) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG OMG OMG! Oooh, look at Ianto's cutesome li'l face! That smile! "He thought we were together, like a couple." (The question is, a couple of what? LOL) "Does it matter?" "It's all a bit new to me." *Spider keels over thud* *Spider gets up, chugs beer* *cough* Where were we?
12) I think that from now on, whenever I see a laser scalpel it'll remind me of Martha. *hearts hearts hearts* Ewwww! Cool! I love how they're "Hi, we'll just rip the alien hitchhiker out of your dead guy here and walk away, thanks! No, you won't report us, we're TORCHWOOD!"
Okay, that's now part of the drinking game. Whenever anyone on the team invokes TORCHWOOD to get around mere mortal rules, or whenever a civilian says "Bloody Torchwood", it's a DRINK! *Spider drinks*
13) Ianto rolls his eyes! DRINK!
14) And now, some plot. W'ever.
15) "You are going to die like a dog. An ugly dog." DUDE! I mean, yeah, they're joking (presumably about Jack's driving) but this from the Guy Who Can't Die! Strikes me as in bad taste. But I thiink they had to put that line in to show they're not mourning Tosh and Owen anymore, that they can make these kind of gallows humour jokes. "There's a computer, do it yourself." You go, Gwen! \o/
16) Awkward new employee is awkward. Torchwood is a "pain in the backside". Oh, have you met Jack Harkness? LOL!
No, that does not count as a "Bloody Torchwood" drink. *Spider drinks beer anyway*
17) Martha's on holiday! On her HONEYMOON! That rocks! Congratulations! *Brain kittens throw birdseed and confetti* "Sergeant Grunt." Is that the title of the porn vid Jack downloaded last night? LOL!
18) Yup, Gwen catches on that they're recruiting Rupesh the same way they recruited her -- by making him curious and seeing if he takes the bait, and is persistent enough not to give up. I like that!
19) "I hate the word 'couple'." "Me too." What IS Ianto's problem? Okay, yeah, all right, he's never been part of a m/m couple; it's like wearing a pair of new shoes that he has to break in. But WAY TO MAKE JACK FEEL CRUMMY, IANTO. I bet Jack said "I hate the word 'couple'" because the word makes IANTO uncomfortable. Oh, BOYS... *hearts hearts hearts*
Then again, this is an issue that could easily be resolved if they just took a few minutes to TALK about it instead of being DORKS. I don't know if that's characterization, or just bad writing to draw out Teh Angst. Oh, SHOW.
20) "Gwen Cooper. I'm Torchwood." YES YOU ARE, BABY! *hearts* Your freckles are so beautiful! *more hearts*
21) Fanon Confirmed: Torchwood gets paid by the Crown, and the salaries are WAY CRAZY HIGH.
22) Oh, boy, RTD's flogging his Agenda again. Not the Gay Agenda -- the Atheist Agenda. "Science has won." "She saw her place in the universe and it was tiny." Ooooh, don't get me started on this one! It's not religion OR science; it's not "I am tiny" OR "I am important". THESE THINGS ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! *brain kittens thwap Spider* Right, sorry sorry. No substantial thought allowed! Ooooh, look at Gwen's freckles! They're so CUTE!
...And she's right, too. It's not that you're smaller; your world/universe has got bigger.
23) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *Spider mutes the vid* Wow, that makes my teeth ache! Nice little vidcam, Ianto.
24) WE WE WE WE WE WE WE ARE WE ARE WE ARE WE ARE COMING.
YES! YES! I can't tell you how cool it is to finally hear that in the episode instead of an ad --- HEY THAT'S NOT A KID! That's an old guy! I bet he's either mentally impaired ("mind of a child") or he was on the bus back in 1965. And all the other 1965 kids are dead dead dead.
Oh. "They found me." Yup, 1965 kid!
25) "What's in there?" "Big science fiction super base. Honestly!" HA!
26) "456. I warned you." Hee hee hee! *Spider giggles and claps hands*
27) "Tell him it's Torchwood." DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* "You work for the Home Office and you've never heard of Torchwood?" "I'm new, starting today." Oh, honey, I feel your pain! I have been there!
28) Plot plot plot, blah blah blah.
29) Gwen and Rhys are buying a house. Awwww, that's sweet! *hearts hearts hearts* "Severn Bridge -- I'm going into England. Farewell forever." "Have you got currency?" "Yes, and my injections." OMG I LOVE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH!
30) "We need a child." AND A THOUSAND FANFICS ARE BORN! The look on Ianto's face makes me LOL. :) "I can find you lasers, weevils and hitchhikers... but kids?"
31) "Uncle Jack!" Uncle WHO IN THE WHAT NOW?
32) "David, your Uncle Ianto's here!" WHO IN THE WHAT NOW? Hee! Look at Ianto handing out money to the kids and them taking the cash and just IGNORING him. *snicker* But hey, Ianto has a sister! That's awesome! "You're a civil servant. They don't work weekends. They invented weekends." LOL! "We've got things to talk about. You've been seen." Well, hell, the UK has more surveillance cameras per capita than -- ohhhhhhh....! This is gonna be AWESOME.
33) "There are worse fathers." Holy SHIT. "Kind of easy writing cheques, huh?" "Alice, you're the one who asked me to stay away." HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT. Wow. Wow. Alice's speech. Wow. Wow. I could spend thousand words or more analyzing this scene and still never get to the bottom of the HOLY SHIT.
See? THIS IS WHY I HATE SPOILERS.
34) And now, on our Very Special Episode, Ianto Comes Out Of The Closet. "He was handsome, like a film star. Like an escort!" "He's my boss." "Have you gone bender?" OH MY FUCKING GOD! *Spider iz ded of LULZ* *brain kittens perform CPR on Spider*
Needless to say, this would NEVER be the conversation you'd get on American TV. Which is why I can't WAIT for July 20th, so the USA (or at least the homes with premium cable access) can get shot in the face by THE GAY.
35) "It's not men, it's just him, it's only him." Oh, Ianto! *hearts and flowers and brain kittens cavort--* "Ai, ai, gay boy, she says you're taking it up the arse!" And then the TORCHWOOD SUV IS STOLEN! BWAHAHAHA! I swear, this episode is KILLING me!
36) Hand sniffing! Ew. Nice little gizmo, Gwen. :) "You're pregnant." HA!
37) Plotty plotty blank page plotty. OH NOES, not Captain Jack! Oh well, he'll get over it. *snicker* You know, if Executive Assistant Woman had such a high clearance, she should have known to CHANGE HER FUCKIN' PASSWORD after she let the office plebian use it.
38) HEY! Pretty Recruit Dr Rupesh just shot Jack! WHAT AN ARSEHOLE! And after Gwen was so nice to him too! If he was playing her all along I'm going to give him such a SLAP. *brain kittens crap in Dr Rupesh's shoes* And he killed the Chinese man too! DOUBLE ARSEHOLE!
39) "Do you think it's true, what they say about him?" *Jack wakes up gasping* BLAM! *Jack dies again* "He was dead!" "Now he's dead again, and we'll keep kiling him until he's ready." I LOVE MY CAPTAIN-TORTURING SHOW!
40) Holy FUCK, they're cutting him OPEN! Ewwww! I DO NOT LOVE MY CAPTAIN-TORTURING SHOW! Bye-bye Rupesh! Aaaaaand HELLO JACK (again!).
41) Soooo, Gwen places her hand on a document scanner and ... it shows a little red dot in her pelvis? What? Oh. I guess she is pregnant. Okay, then! And Jack is having a.... BOMB! In his STOMACH!
42) Yes, yes, you are coming. We heard you the first time. And the time after that. Sheesh.
43) I love how the Hub's blast door says "Made in Wales" OMG OMG OMG SNOG! SNOG ALERT! SNOG ALERT! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
44) Cue the EARTH SHATTERING KABOOM --- aaaaaaaaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!
45) In conclusion: MADE OF FUCKIN' AWESOME! I can't wait until the next episode. Hey, that's TOMORROW! AWESOME! \o/
And my Plus One for the teaser for the next episode: Running! Shooting! Eeeewww.... something NASTY. In short, it looks AWESOME! \o/
*Spider keels over thud* Holy crap, I can't believe it's finally here. *Spider gets up, dusts self off*
Since I've got a lot of new friends since the last time I did one of these things (HI NEW FRIENDS! *Spider waves*) I'm going to restate the Thinkies ground rules: (1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. (2) I am entirely unspoiled (except for the adverts and trailers and promo pix that have been UNAVOIDABLE) (and those fucking RUMORS which are IDIOTIC) and seek to remain that way for future episodes. NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. (3) I am an absolutely rabid Jack/Ianto shipper. You're allowed your own opinion, but remember: this is MY journal, so deal with it. (4) Before I watch each episode I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident.
Got it? We ready to go now? Really? REALLY? (OMG I have butterflies in my tummy!) OKAY THEN!
1) 1965 Scotland. Pretty coach. BIG hair ribbons. Did girls really wear those? Are they going to Hogwarts? Aren't all schoolchildren driving through the middle of nowhere in Scotland going to -- oooh! The bus grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere, just like the Hogwarts Express did in Prisoner of Azkaban! Where's Remus Lupin when you need him?
...what? *shifty eyes* I'm polyfanish! What's wrong with that? Like you're not!
2) Okay, we're not in Prisoner of Azkaban, we're in the X-Files. That'll do too. :)
3) Weird title card -- by which I mean "ominous". And only a taste of the theme music.
4) Hi, Cardiff! HI, GWEN! I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! *hugs* You look so fine in your red top. Is your hair better too, or am I just so damn glad to see you that you have never been more beautiful?
Oh, yeah, there are some kids standing around frozen as well. That's plot. We care not a jot for plot! *waves plot away imperiously*
5) RHYS! OI! RHYS! I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! *hugs* Nice shoutout to Abbey Road there. :)
6) IT'S THE HUB! THE HUB! And it's BEAUTIFUL, in all its steampunky glory. Is it me, or does it look more fantastic with each new series? Or am I just so damn glad to see it that it has NEVER BEEN MORE BEAUTIFUL?
7) "Shenanigans in the dark." BWAHA! *hearts*
8) Aw, Owen and Tosh. :( RIP, kids. *hearts*
9) IT'S JACK! AND IANTO! STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER! TURNING AT THE SAME TIME! OMG OMG OMG! THEY'RE ACTUALLY SAYING SOMETHING I'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE! *Spider keels over thud* *Brain kittens fan Spider and bring her a beer*
...Right, where were we? OMG JACK AND IANTO ARE -- *Brain kittens thwack Spider* Right, where were we? Right, they're saying something, I should be paying attention to that, right? OMG LOOK AT IANTO'S SHIRT AND TIE! And Jack's EYES! And -- *brain kittens thwack Spider*
...it's going to be a long, long episode at this rate. LOL!
10) So they're saying something about... Mr. Williams? Not Rhys' dad or something? Oh! No! They're LYING! Sneaky Torchwood! :) OMG Jack has his hand on Ianto's shoulder and saying they live together and even if it's a sneaky Torchwood lie it's the BEST LIE EVER!
11) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG OMG OMG! Oooh, look at Ianto's cutesome li'l face! That smile! "He thought we were together, like a couple." (The question is, a couple of what? LOL) "Does it matter?" "It's all a bit new to me." *Spider keels over thud* *Spider gets up, chugs beer* *cough* Where were we?
12) I think that from now on, whenever I see a laser scalpel it'll remind me of Martha. *hearts hearts hearts* Ewwww! Cool! I love how they're "Hi, we'll just rip the alien hitchhiker out of your dead guy here and walk away, thanks! No, you won't report us, we're TORCHWOOD!"
Okay, that's now part of the drinking game. Whenever anyone on the team invokes TORCHWOOD to get around mere mortal rules, or whenever a civilian says "Bloody Torchwood", it's a DRINK! *Spider drinks*
13) Ianto rolls his eyes! DRINK!
14) And now, some plot. W'ever.
15) "You are going to die like a dog. An ugly dog." DUDE! I mean, yeah, they're joking (presumably about Jack's driving) but this from the Guy Who Can't Die! Strikes me as in bad taste. But I thiink they had to put that line in to show they're not mourning Tosh and Owen anymore, that they can make these kind of gallows humour jokes. "There's a computer, do it yourself." You go, Gwen! \o/
16) Awkward new employee is awkward. Torchwood is a "pain in the backside". Oh, have you met Jack Harkness? LOL!
No, that does not count as a "Bloody Torchwood" drink. *Spider drinks beer anyway*
17) Martha's on holiday! On her HONEYMOON! That rocks! Congratulations! *Brain kittens throw birdseed and confetti* "Sergeant Grunt." Is that the title of the porn vid Jack downloaded last night? LOL!
18) Yup, Gwen catches on that they're recruiting Rupesh the same way they recruited her -- by making him curious and seeing if he takes the bait, and is persistent enough not to give up. I like that!
19) "I hate the word 'couple'." "Me too." What IS Ianto's problem? Okay, yeah, all right, he's never been part of a m/m couple; it's like wearing a pair of new shoes that he has to break in. But WAY TO MAKE JACK FEEL CRUMMY, IANTO. I bet Jack said "I hate the word 'couple'" because the word makes IANTO uncomfortable. Oh, BOYS... *hearts hearts hearts*
Then again, this is an issue that could easily be resolved if they just took a few minutes to TALK about it instead of being DORKS. I don't know if that's characterization, or just bad writing to draw out Teh Angst. Oh, SHOW.
20) "Gwen Cooper. I'm Torchwood." YES YOU ARE, BABY! *hearts* Your freckles are so beautiful! *more hearts*
21) Fanon Confirmed: Torchwood gets paid by the Crown, and the salaries are WAY CRAZY HIGH.
22) Oh, boy, RTD's flogging his Agenda again. Not the Gay Agenda -- the Atheist Agenda. "Science has won." "She saw her place in the universe and it was tiny." Ooooh, don't get me started on this one! It's not religion OR science; it's not "I am tiny" OR "I am important". THESE THINGS ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! *brain kittens thwap Spider* Right, sorry sorry. No substantial thought allowed! Ooooh, look at Gwen's freckles! They're so CUTE!
...And she's right, too. It's not that you're smaller; your world/universe has got bigger.
23) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *Spider mutes the vid* Wow, that makes my teeth ache! Nice little vidcam, Ianto.
24) WE WE WE WE WE WE WE ARE WE ARE WE ARE WE ARE COMING.
YES! YES! I can't tell you how cool it is to finally hear that in the episode instead of an ad --- HEY THAT'S NOT A KID! That's an old guy! I bet he's either mentally impaired ("mind of a child") or he was on the bus back in 1965. And all the other 1965 kids are dead dead dead.
Oh. "They found me." Yup, 1965 kid!
25) "What's in there?" "Big science fiction super base. Honestly!" HA!
26) "456. I warned you." Hee hee hee! *Spider giggles and claps hands*
27) "Tell him it's Torchwood." DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* "You work for the Home Office and you've never heard of Torchwood?" "I'm new, starting today." Oh, honey, I feel your pain! I have been there!
28) Plot plot plot, blah blah blah.
29) Gwen and Rhys are buying a house. Awwww, that's sweet! *hearts hearts hearts* "Severn Bridge -- I'm going into England. Farewell forever." "Have you got currency?" "Yes, and my injections." OMG I LOVE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH!
30) "We need a child." AND A THOUSAND FANFICS ARE BORN! The look on Ianto's face makes me LOL. :) "I can find you lasers, weevils and hitchhikers... but kids?"
31) "Uncle Jack!" Uncle WHO IN THE WHAT NOW?
32) "David, your Uncle Ianto's here!" WHO IN THE WHAT NOW? Hee! Look at Ianto handing out money to the kids and them taking the cash and just IGNORING him. *snicker* But hey, Ianto has a sister! That's awesome! "You're a civil servant. They don't work weekends. They invented weekends." LOL! "We've got things to talk about. You've been seen." Well, hell, the UK has more surveillance cameras per capita than -- ohhhhhhh....! This is gonna be AWESOME.
33) "There are worse fathers." Holy SHIT. "Kind of easy writing cheques, huh?" "Alice, you're the one who asked me to stay away." HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT. Wow. Wow. Alice's speech. Wow. Wow. I could spend thousand words or more analyzing this scene and still never get to the bottom of the HOLY SHIT.
See? THIS IS WHY I HATE SPOILERS.
34) And now, on our Very Special Episode, Ianto Comes Out Of The Closet. "He was handsome, like a film star. Like an escort!" "He's my boss." "Have you gone bender?" OH MY FUCKING GOD! *Spider iz ded of LULZ* *brain kittens perform CPR on Spider*
Needless to say, this would NEVER be the conversation you'd get on American TV. Which is why I can't WAIT for July 20th, so the USA (or at least the homes with premium cable access) can get shot in the face by THE GAY.
35) "It's not men, it's just him, it's only him." Oh, Ianto! *hearts and flowers and brain kittens cavort--* "Ai, ai, gay boy, she says you're taking it up the arse!" And then the TORCHWOOD SUV IS STOLEN! BWAHAHAHA! I swear, this episode is KILLING me!
36) Hand sniffing! Ew. Nice little gizmo, Gwen. :) "You're pregnant." HA!
37) Plotty plotty blank page plotty. OH NOES, not Captain Jack! Oh well, he'll get over it. *snicker* You know, if Executive Assistant Woman had such a high clearance, she should have known to CHANGE HER FUCKIN' PASSWORD after she let the office plebian use it.
38) HEY! Pretty Recruit Dr Rupesh just shot Jack! WHAT AN ARSEHOLE! And after Gwen was so nice to him too! If he was playing her all along I'm going to give him such a SLAP. *brain kittens crap in Dr Rupesh's shoes* And he killed the Chinese man too! DOUBLE ARSEHOLE!
39) "Do you think it's true, what they say about him?" *Jack wakes up gasping* BLAM! *Jack dies again* "He was dead!" "Now he's dead again, and we'll keep kiling him until he's ready." I LOVE MY CAPTAIN-TORTURING SHOW!
40) Holy FUCK, they're cutting him OPEN! Ewwww! I DO NOT LOVE MY CAPTAIN-TORTURING SHOW! Bye-bye Rupesh! Aaaaaand HELLO JACK (again!).
41) Soooo, Gwen places her hand on a document scanner and ... it shows a little red dot in her pelvis? What? Oh. I guess she is pregnant. Okay, then! And Jack is having a.... BOMB! In his STOMACH!
42) Yes, yes, you are coming. We heard you the first time. And the time after that. Sheesh.
43) I love how the Hub's blast door says "Made in Wales" OMG OMG OMG SNOG! SNOG ALERT! SNOG ALERT! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
44) Cue the EARTH SHATTERING KABOOM --- aaaaaaaaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!
45) In conclusion: MADE OF FUCKIN' AWESOME! I can't wait until the next episode. Hey, that's TOMORROW! AWESOME! \o/
And my Plus One for the teaser for the next episode: Running! Shooting! Eeeewww.... something NASTY. In short, it looks AWESOME! \o/