FUCK YOU ALL FOR LETTING ME FORGET MOTHER'S DAY.  I ALMOST DIED.  THAT WOMAN THREW A SHOE AT MY HEAD.

IF I HAVE TO HEAR ONE MORE TIME ABOUT HOW I'LL MISS HER WHEN SHE'S DEAD AND HOW BAD I'LL FEEL THAT I NEGLECTED THE WOMAN WHO GAVE ME LIFE I'M GOING TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EAR.

Hey, if anyone asks you guys why I'm not in my office, just tell 'em I'm ( Read more... )

April Fool's is officially the DUMBEST FUCKING HOLIDAY EVER INVENTED.

That is all.

I've been collecting fucking corpses all day and then setting on fire for the common good.

Coincidentally I am considering going into a different line of work.  Suggestions?

Not like I can 'em to do something that unbelievably shitty without being willing to get my own hands dirty.  Really fucking dirty.  Which is more than I can say for some ( Read more... )

[note slipped under Kurenai's door on office stationary]

KURENAI,

BE MY VALENTINE

Y/N

(CIRCLE ONE)

SINCERELY,
YOUR SECRET ADMIRER

PS: THAT ASUMA SARUTOBI, WHAT A CATCH, EH? 

Is it too late to make a resolution?

Cause I think I'm still hungover from New Year's.  I also have lots of unhealed bruises but every time I try to get the nurses to check them out for me, they're all "STOP SEXUALLY HARASSING ME!" and I'm all "I HAVE HIDEOUS INTERNAL BLEEDING!" and then they hit me with their stupid little clippy binder things.  ( Read more... )

Why Being Relegated to Desk Duty For Having A Poor Attitude Is a Fucking Bitch: A List By Asuma

1.  Papercuts.  All the motherfucking papercuts.

2.  Officer Supply Warfare.  So I stole your fucking paperclips.  FUCKING SUE ME, ASSHOLE.

3.  TOUCH MY HARMONICA AND I WILL END YOU.

4.  Desks made for people with stunted growth and no legs.

5.  Boss ( Read more... )

Dearest Sirs and/or Madame(…s) of the Higher-Ups,

Unless you want me to continue making the new recruits huddle in corners, rocking back and forth while sobbing for their mothers and clutching their guns to their heaving bosoms like security blankets (don't worry, I haven't taught them that the safety actually goes off and they're too cutely dense ( Read more... )