Fic: I Know You Love Me, Chapter Seven (Part VIII[a])
Title: I Know You Love Me
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe, Reva Shayne, Colin O'Neill, Marina Cooper, Harley Cooper, Henry Cooper, and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! I sincerely apologize for the nearly month delay since the last posting. It's lengthy, so hopefully that makes up for the time! So if you're still interested and reading the story, thank you. And Hooray! Chapter Seven has finally come to a close (weighing in at 64, 086 words!). If I ever try to write a chapter in installments again... someone stop me!
A/N2: It seems I wrote too much for one post again. I'll post part here and part in a post to follow immediately.
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part II] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part III] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part IV]) (Chapter Seven [Part V]) ( Chapter Seven [Part VI])
( Chapter Seven [Part VIIa]) ( Chapter Seven [Part VIIb])
Chapter Seven (Part VIII[a]) - Olivia Spencer
God, I'm so fucked. I'm crumbling like her apple streusel. Olivia couldn't decide if she should be laughing at herself, chastising herself, or just simply admitting defeat to the inexplicable life force that was Natalia. A very determined, very strong, and God, a very sexy Natalia. Olivia was well versed in the art of seduction; she'd had more lovers than she cared to think about over the years. Throughout her life she had been drawn to many men, and she had certainly enticed plenty in return. Drawing from those experiences, she knew one thing was certain. Confidence was hot, a major fucking turn-on. To believe you were irresistible made you so.
The Natalia who had returned from the retreat was the same in all the important ways: caring, kind, thoughtful, sweet, helpful, and devoted. But some of the qualities that had presented a challenge to their relationship: her meekness, her inability or unwillingness to stand up for herself and for Olivia, her perpetual worry over what people thought - those had been replaced with confidence, a backbone, and, as silly as it sounded, Olivia swore there was some swagger in that slightly awkward way that women that far along in pregnancy tended to walk.
And God! She's turning me the fuck on! Olivia whimpered inwardly. She had seen flashes of Natalia's sensuality, particularly when they were both vying for Gus's affection. At the time Olivia saw her as a rival and paid little attention to what she figured would be a school girl's attempts at competing with the skilled and sexual woman, both seeking the rugged, sensitive man's heart. While she had certainly been aware that Natalia could be attractive to men, Olivia had been so certain that she was more appealing that she largely ignored the younger woman and her efforts.
In their own relationship, Natalia had been exceedingly reserved in her displays of affection. Olivia had moved out of the farmhouse just prior to confessing her love for her then-roommate. Following their mutual professions of love, they had a difficult time finding the privacy that living together on the farm had afforded them. They often met at The Beacon, where people were frequently entering into Olivia's office or suite to discuss business. They'd meet for lunch at Company. They'd go to Emma's school functions. But this was Springfield, and even if you thought you were alone, someone could always pop up to ruin the moment.
Olivia's thoughts drifted back to the day in the park when she and Natalia had their sad little picnic. She finally felt they were making some progress on being comfortable around each other again. There had even been a little flirting! And then, out of nowhere, Frank was there. Of fucking course. He's everywhere in this town. The day on the bench when they discussed their mutual desire to be intimate, she had not seen Rafe approaching; the same was true later in the day when Natalia was offering champagne seductively and their world imploded in a young man's rage. It didn't matter how private you thought you were being, there were always eyes on you in Springfield.
So they rarely found themselves together in a secluded setting the way they had when they lived together at the farm. With eyes constantly upon them, Natalia had been vigilant about avoiding any overt signs of attraction to Olivia. It was sadly amusing to Olivia that prior to the outburst of love on Natalia's wedding day, they had constantly shared moments of intimacy. Prolonged gazing at each other, their eyes locked intensely, one soul speaking to the other words that couldn't dare be spoken aloud. A shared smile over the breakfast table at a silly comment made by Emma. A tender brush of Natalia's soft fingertips over the sensitive flesh on the back of Olivia's hand. Sitting too close on the couch, huddled beneath a blanket with her daughter between them and Olivia's hand barely grazing the small of Natalia's back. If the world had been paying attention, maybe they would have noticed. But no one ever expected the two women would fall in love, and so no one recognized the signs that were so prominent in retrospect.
Once they were actually committed to figuring out what was going on between them, Natalia became distant. She had been completely mortified when she realized what Miss Jennings and the other parents had thought about the nature of her relationship with Olivia at Emma's Family Day presentation. She had been hurt and angry when Doris insinuated in the media that there was a lesbian family living in the community. God forbid people think that she and Olivia were in love. Even when it was the truth, when they both recognized and admitted and embraced it, Natalia still didn't want others to think it was true.
Olivia sighed inwardly, contemplating all the steps they had gone through to deny the truth. She had never in her life been a woman who hid. She lived out loud, in full view, disinterested in what others said or thought about her. She couldn't possible care after having become such a public figure in Springfield. After all her high profile marriages, her scandals, being CEO of a successful hotel, being accused of trying to kill Reva, being a heart transplant survivor - she had no doubt that the people in town talked about her. She knew they likely talked about her frequently, and she heard enough whispers to know that the talk wasn't usually very kind.
Natalia was the complete opposite. She avoided public scrutiny at any cost. She was quite simple the most unassuming individual Olivia had ever known. Despite her absolute stunning beauty, she found a way to blend into the scenery most of the time. She was quiet. She worked hard and did what was expected of her because to do otherwise would draw attention. She hid from the world by living far out in the country, wearing clothes that hid her beautiful curves, working in nameless, faceless, thankless jobs. When people did take notice of her, when they got to know her, people rarely spoke ill of her. Most sung her praises. Hell, she let Frank think he had a chance with her. She let him sleep with her. She accepted his proposal. She pushed up the wedding date. She left him unceremoniously...embarrassingly at the altar. She told him she wanted to raise his baby with someone else. And yet, he readily admits he'd still do anything to be with her. He's helping keep her son out of the halfway house, always trying to find a way to help her or be near her and she does next to nothing for him in return. Olivia felt the slightest prickling of pity for Frank - honestly, how could he still think Natalia was a saint after all of that?
She led me to believe we were going to be together and then left. And I still want to be with her more than anything. Olivia quickly chased that thought out of her mind. She refused to feel pity for herself. More than that, she actively ignored the fact that she had basically admitted that she wanted to take Natalia back. That was completely and wholly at odds with the decision she had come to during Natalia's six week absence to never let her back into her life. In the time since Natalia had returned, seemingly unaware of all the damage she left in her path on her race to escape, Olivia had become even more resolute in her decision not to forgive her ex-girlfriend. And yet, here she stood beside her in the gazebo where Natalia had first confessed her love, and Olivia could physically feel her reservations, her hesitancies, her fears melting away. It terrified her that Natalia could so quickly, so easily influence how she thought and felt.
Olivia's hands were still softly holding Natalia's face, her thumbs brushing softly over her cheeks and the corners of her mouth. The younger woman's skin felt soft and smooth. In the moonlight, she looked radiant, glowing. After Olivia had confessed that she still wanted to be with her, Natalia's face had lit up in a spectacular grin, fire dancing in her eyes as she had looked into Olivia's. Before she realized what she was doing, Olivia leaned forward and kissed Natalia's forehead, softly and sweetly, lingering close. She inhaled the sweet scent of her ex; her knees felt weak at the familiar smell.
When she pulled back, she lowered her hands and clasped Natalia's in her own. They stood looking at each other quietly for a long moment.
"You have one question left, Olivia," Natalia reminded her quietly.
There was no doubt in her mind what she needed to ask. She hated that Natalia had made her so insecure that she even needed to present the question. For a flash of a moment, Olivia felt a hint of anger creeping into her consciousness at the fact that she had become so weak in response to Natalia's desertion. She quickly tamped the feeling down. She wanted to forgive Natalia. They could never be together if she didn't. And though it was difficult for her to admit, she wanted them to be together. She had never been as happy as she had been when they were together. Despite their lack of physical intimacy, their hiding from others, their stops and starts and confusion...she had never felt happier. If this were to work again, Olivia would need to forgive Natalia. It was not something that came easily or naturally to the older woman, particularly given how utterly devastated she had been for the previous two months. I forgave Jeffrey... this should be easy in comparison. But Jeffrey had violated her body--Natalia had violated her heart. And there was no doubt which of those offenses she felt more actutely, more painfully.
"Natalia…" she hesitated, feeling uncertain. It never failed to amaze her that she had no problem whatsoever being direct, blunt, assertive in nearly all her human interactions, but she was still fearful at times of being too forward with Natalia. She never wanted to hurt the more reserved, more indirect woman's feelings.
She swallowed hard. We have danced around each other for months and it has only led to confusion. She's being more direct tonight. I need to be more direct. Until we get things figured out, we just might have to say some things that have the potential to hurt each other.
"Is this real?" She leaned forward, trying to show kindness instead of judgment in her eyes. What she needed to say could end up sounding like an accusation; that wasn't what she wanted. She had yelled enough tonight, she had made Natalia cry, and she was tired of feeling such intense emotions. "What I mean is… I need you to promise me, really promise me that you're not going to run away from me again." She groaned inwardly at the need and fear she heard in her own trembling voice. She hated being vulnerable. Ever since that night at the Embassy, she loathed giving anyone control over her. She hated feeling inferior, reliant on someone else. And yet, she felt like her every opportunity at happiness in the world was dependent upon Natalia.
But that's love, Olivia. Joint, mutual dependence. Honesty and openness. Faith in one another. Having implicit trust in what your partner tells you. Having unwavering belief in what you cannot see, what you cannot know, what you cannot guarantee.
"I'm not trying to be difficult, Natalia, I'm not. And it's not that I haven't been listening to everything you've been telling me tonight. But you have to understand that I believed you before and so it is difficult for me to trust you again." She looked at Natalia; dark eyes were focused so intently on her own that it bordered on uncomfortable. Had it been anyone other than Natalia, Olivia would have found the gaze intrusive. Instead it just felt incredibly intimate.
"I want to trust you," Olivia added quietly. "But I need to know that you won't run from me again. I need you to swear that you won't break my heart again," she whispered. Her heart clenched in pain and she felt more exposed, more vulnerable, more unguarded than she could ever remember. "I can't… I won't survive this again. I'm too invested in this. Too addicted to the way I feel with you. Too wrapped up in this dream I've created in my mind for us. Too obsessed with finding ways to make you smile at me. Too overwhelmed by this connection between us. Nothing could ever compare to this Natalia. I thought I was going to die when you left," Olivia's voice trailed off as she felt the tears begin to sting in the corners of her eyes. "Most days I wanted to," she added.
Natalia stepped closer to her, cupped her face with her warm hands and brushed away a tear that had escaped and was slipping down the side of Olivia's nose with the tender touch of her thumb. "Olivia…" she whispered, before leaning in and kissing Olivia's left cheek, followed immediately with a kiss to her right cheek.
The tension hung between them. A thousand thoughts were racing through Olivia's mind, frustrating her because all she wanted was a little silence. She feared if she couldn't stop the thoughts, one of two things would happen. First, she might start talking, trying to verbalize all the things on her mind. She wasn't ready to do that yet. She already felt embarrassed at sharing the depth of her need and vulnerability to Natalia. Olivia knew that true love required the complete exposure of your heart and soul, but she already felt raw from the gamut of emotions she had experienced tonight. At some point she needed a little balm for her scarred soul; she hoped that somehow Natalia would find a way to assure her that this was forever this time.
The second outcome she wanted to avoid was being so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she wouldn't be able to really focus on what Natalia was saying to her. There had been too many times in their relationship-even before they were romantically involved-that she had underestimated Natalia or presumed to know what Natalia was thinking. Instead of listening carefully, weighing the words and the meaning behind her nonverbal messages, Olivia's mind would be thinking through her counter point, her objections, or how to get Natalia to feel or think or do what Olivia thought would be best for her.
Natalia had repeatedly voiced concerns, hesitations and reservations about her relationship with Frank. When Frank proposed, Natalia told her that she couldn't give him an answer. She asked Olivia why she couldn't give him an answer. Looking back, Olivia was now convinced that the questions Natalia asked that night and the comments she had offered were not solely about whether she should marry Frank. She had been challenging Olivia that night, begging her to say what needed to be said. The questions she had asked, the way she had looked at Olivia - the meaning behind the words was not what Olivia was expecting to hear, and so she ignored the subtleties and the hints: Natalia questioning if God had someone in mind for her, but not the person she had imagined… Natalia asking Olivia what more she could need other than Frank, who was a great guy… practically begging Olivia to say that she needed her, and Emma, and their family… Her quick retort of "Really?" when Olivia suggested that perhaps Natalia should marry Frank. Olivia wondered if she had been less caught up on her own thoughts, her own fears, if she would have heard what Natalia was really saying that night. And if so, would she have had the courage to answer her?
When Olivia had discovered Natalia crying over her wedding dress, Natalia once again was telling Olivia more than just the literal meaning of the words she spoke. "I can't let you do this…," "I can't have the one thing I want…" On some level, Olivia knew at the time that Natalia wasn't talking about the dress, but she chose to ignore and evade because she believed she knew what was best for Natalia. She thought at the time that saying something, acting in that moment, would at best cause pain for everyone involved, and at worst would drive Natalia from her life completely.
After the wedding, the day at Emma's school, Natalia tried to convince Olivia that she wanted a relationship with her. She pleaded with Olivia, insisted that she understood what was happening, what it meant to love someone. But Olivia had already made up her mind that Natalia couldn't handle the relationship, was too vulnerable and susceptible to outside gossip. So instead of listening, Olivia just talked over Natalia, ignored her pleas, and eventually walked away, insisting they had no future together.
Their relationship history was littered with moments like these. There were probably hundreds of moments that could have been turning points, could have drastically changed the path they were on if only they had communicated better with one another. Olivia wasn't foolish enough or self-flagellating enough to think that was entirely her fault. Cleary, Natalia had stopped Olivia on several occasions from saying what was on her mind. Natalia's words were often so subtle, so nuanced, and so indirect that it was nearly impossible to accurately decipher what she was actually trying to express. And given their volatile and rocky history, Olivia had often tried to avoid landmines by avoiding making assumptions about what Natalia was insinuating with her very vague words. They were both to blame for exactly where they stood tonight. Olivia wondered if she had done something differently at any of those moments, how differently would things be right now? Could saying something differently prevented Natalia from sleeping with Frank? Would Natalia still have eventually run away had she not found out she was pregnant with Frank's baby? Could Olivia have done something that would have influenced Natalia to say no to his proposal? If, instead of always talking, she had just kissed Natalia once-would it have made things more clear in their minds?
Olivia was too old to play the games of what if and what could have been. And she recognized that changing any one moment in their relationship might have made it better, easier, but it also might've destroyed them. What mattered now, in this moment, was that she gave Natalia her undivided attention and that she really listened to her. She needed to understand Natalia's answer, and if there was any doubt in her mind she needed to ask enough follow-up questions until she was completely satisfied that she knew exactly where the younger woman stood on the issue.
Olivia shook her head, realizing that in her musings about the times she should have listened carefully she wasn't actually listening carefully. She met Natalia's gaze. "Where were you, just now?" Natalia questioned.
"I was thinking," Olivia began. "About all the times when we didn't say what we meant. The times we didn't listen to each other. We can't do that anymore, Natalia. If this is going to work we have to be honest with each other, even when it hurts. And the question I asked you, I know a completely honest answer from you could potentially hurt me. But I can't accept anything less than the truth at this point. I'm not saying that we'll have no future together if you can't give me the answer I need right now… maybe we can try to be friends, but I can't give you back control of my heart until I am certain that you're not going to break it again. So I need you to be completely honest and blunt with me."
Natalia looked so angelic in that moment Olivia thought she might never experience such a moment of untainted beauty ever again. The way she was looking at her, dark eyes intent, cast slightly upward to look into Olivia's. The way her dimples popped up as she chewed on her lower lip, apparently concentrating. The way the stars in the sky framed her in Olivia's line of sight. The radiant glow of her skin, which had always been beautiful… but pregnancy made it appear absolutely flawless.
Everything I could ever want, ever need… all my happiness is standing here before me, offering to share her life with me. I just need the courage to take the leap of faith. Olivia had never felt more terrified in her life. The greater the risk, the greater the reward. That simple mantra, so clichéd in the business world, had never been more apt. If she played it safe, she'd end up living a sort of half-life, rather similar to how she had been living over the past weeks. Depressed but getting by. Lonely but functioning in the world. Feeling no joy but feeling no heartache.
If she jumped off the edge, risked everything, gambled on her future, there were only two possible outcomes. Either her every dream would come true… or her entire world would fall apart, shattered, impossible to mend. There were no other alternatives. There was no middle ground. It would be all or nothing. Olivia knew she didn't have to make the decision right in that moment, but it would have to come soon. She couldn't continue to do this dance with Natalia, the pursuit and the running as anger and hope battled for dominance in her mind.
"This?" Natalia said, motioning her hand between the two of them. "This is so rare, Olivia. I know you can see that. You've been in love before, you've been married five times, you could have any person in the world you wanted. But have you ever felt like this before?" Natalia asked, her voice strong and certain.
Olivia shook her head. "I've never felt anything like this before, Natalia. I never knew love like this even existed in the world," she answered honestly.
Natalia smiled brightly. "That's because the kind of love we share is unheard of. It's extraordinary. So few people ever find someone who makes them feel this way. Look at us, Olivia. We had every obstacle between us. If you look at this situation from a detached position-if you look at us with logic rather than emotion-this never should have happened. There were so many moments where things should have been different, but for whatever reason they happened the way they did. And I think that reason is because you and me… Our souls are meant to be together, Olivia. There's no other possible explanation for how and why all these things happened to us."
Olivia weighed the words, considered them, tried to figure out exactly what Natalia was telling her. Olivia had certainly thought on more than one occasion that the possibility of them falling in love had to miniscule. But she needed to know where Natalia was in her thoughts, how she had come to that conclusion. It might give Olivia some insight into Natalia's commitment.
"Tell me what you mean?" Olivia inquired. "I think I understand what you're saying, but it would help me to know how you got to that conclusion."
Natalia paused, her eyes glancing away as they often did when she was considering her thoughts. Olivia had always thought that particular mannerism was adorable. It was as though she were physically looking for answers, like they might be scattered around them in the moonlit park. Her heart skipped a beat and she couldn't suppress a tiny smile. Everything about Natalia was so adorably captivating.
"Well… I waited forever for Nicky to come back to Chicago for me. I had no real reason to believe he would. He left with no word. He didn't know about Rafe. We were so young, why would he come back? How could he come back? And yet for all those years, I refused to love anyone else. My heart belonged to him but I wasn't aggressive enough to try to find him. I waited passively for him to come back for me. And then one morning I woke up and I knew. It was like I was being guided by some unknown force, like God was whispering in my ear. I knew I had to find him. So Rafe and I packed our few belongings and took off in the world to find him. I turned my life completely upside down, risking everything on the hope that I'd find him and he'd still want to be with me. Do you see how strange that is for me? I'm not that kind of person, Olivia."
Olivia nodded slowly, thinking about what it must have been like for Natalia to uproot and move to a new city. She was far too shy to easily make new friends. She had no money and no jobs lined up. It would be an enormous risk for anyone, but was even more surprising out of Natalia. She rarely made rash decisions, always carefully weighed her options, did as much research as possible, and prayed about it forever before reaching a conclusion. "That must have been terrifying," Olivia said sympathetically.
"It was. But I had to do it. So I arrive here in Springfield, and I find him but he's married. What do I do? I slept with him, Olivia! I slept with a married man. I cherish and honor marriage-it's sacred to me. It had been nearly two decades since I had slept with anyone. That was so out of character for me. At the time I felt possessed, like someone had taken over my body and made me do this horrible thing. But I was so thrilled to have him back in my life. I'm not that woman, Olivia. I don't know why or how I did that, but I did. And I think I had to. Nicky and I needed to be together."
Olivia almost couldn't believe what she was hearing. She had always assumed that Natalia would be deeply ashamed of what she had done to Gus and Harley. She figured she'd probably undergone weeks or months of penance, sacrifice, self-loathing and begging forgiveness from God. But the way she was speaking, Natalia spoke as if it were as banal a topic as deciding what to order for lunch at Company. Very plainly, very simply, without shame coloring her cheeks and without averting her eyes. As though it were the most mundane thing in the world for the devoutly Catholic woman to talk about sleeping with married men.
"You sound so…" Olivia couldn't quite pinpoint the word she was looking for. "Blasé about the whole thing."
Natalia smiled at her. "Of course not, Olivia. I hated what I did because that was not the kind of woman I ever wanted to be. I prayed for guidance and answers. But at the time it felt like I had no other choice. And I think now that is even more true. This love between us," she once again gestured at the space between her and Olivia's bodies, "was dependent on me and Nicky being together. It was what brought you and me into each others' orbit. We had to be rivals first so one day we'd be able to appreciate being close."
Olivia smiled. "So we were destined to hate each other?" she asked playfully.
"No." Natalia answered, shaking her head quickly, her dimples showing when she pursed her lips. "We needed to be rivals. We needed to find one another. But there was never hatred, Olivia. I thought there was, but it wasn't. A dozen other emotions - jealousy and anger and insecurity and fear-but I never hated you. And you didn't hate me. I know you too well, Olivia. You are too good a person to hate. You forgave Philip! He kidnapped Emma and you've forgiven him. Even when you were terrified of him, when you were threatening to kill him, I don't think you hated him."
Olivia bit her lower lip as she considered the possibility that Natalia was right. "Maybe…" she answered noncommittally. She certainly thought she had hated Philip in that moment, but Natalia often had insight into Olivia that she herself was not privy to. Maybe it was just overwhelming fear and anger, but not hatred. After all, she had loved him once, and she considered him a good friend now.
Olivia watched as Natalia moved closer and placed her open palm above Olivia's heart. She felt her pulse quicken in response to the simple touch. She has the most magical effect on me. I've been with so many lovers and none of them could make me feel so much with such a small gesture.
"So while I'm busy winning Gus from Harley, you were getting sick. What were the chances? You're still young, you had no history of heart problems, you're in great shape," Natalia continued. Olivia felt butterflies in her stomach when she saw Natalia's eyes quickly flick down her body and back up when she mentioned Olivia being in good shape. Olivia caught her eye and she could see Natalia's cheeks turn a shade darker. "You eat right, Olivia, and you exercise. You maybe drink a little too much at times…" Natalia smiled at her, acceptance in her eyes. She wasn't being judgmental or nagging, Olivia thought. Simply stating a fact. "But let's face it-you are not the typical patient who needs a heart transplant."
Olivia pressed her own hand over Natalia's, twined their fingers together. "You're right. It was such a surprise to me. Nothing had ever really slowed me down."
"That's right," Natalia agreed. "There had to be a reason for it to happen. Now, what do you think were the odds that a heart would become available for you on the day Nicky and I were getting married? And what on Earth was I thinking that day?" Natalia's free hand covered her mouth; her eyes closed for a moment. When she opened them again, there were tears threatening to spill forth. "I could have killed you, Olivia. I would never do something like that! I would never hurt anyone on purpose, and yet, I knew that day that I had to make sure you wouldn't be able to stop the wedding." The tears began to fall, enormous tears leaving wet trails over the perfect curve of Natalia's cheeks. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, and then she sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Olivia."
Olivia felt an overwhelming need to protect Natalia from herself, from her guilt in that moment. "Shhh…" she said as she wrapped her arm around Natalia, pulled her close. She took the hand that had been covering Natalia's and brushed the tears from the younger woman's cheeks and then wrapped that arm around her as well. "It's okay, baby," she said, startled at how easily the endearment slipped off her tongue. "We don't know what would have happened. Maybe I would have rejected that heart. Maybe I wouldn't be here today. Maybe no one would've been there to make sure I took my meds and I got showered and got out of bed. Nothing bad happened…" She paused and then quickly continued, "to me, I mean. I know eventually you lost Gus. Because of me," her voice trailed off at the end of the sentiment.
Natalia pulled back quickly, shaking her head. "No, Olivia, don't you see? It had to be this way. You missed out on a heart, and your health was failing, and just as you were about to give up hope, Gus died. That just can't be a coincidence. The man who brought us together, the man you and I fought over would be the man who would help us find our way. I thought I hated you in that moment, and I blamed you for his death."
"I'm sorry--" Olivia began, but Natalia quickly interrupted her.
"No. He made his own decisions, Olivia. I couldn't see that at the time. But what I did see was that I had to give you his heart. I felt like it would kill me to do it, but I knew there was no other option. That was why it was so important that I found him, so important that I married him. Maybe someone else wouldn't have given you his heart."
"You're right…" Olivia said softly. "It's crazy really. And I suspect that any other woman would have hated me, would have blamed me, and would have refused to give me her husband's heart. You're astounding, Natalia."
Natalia cast her eyes downward, smiled, before looking back up at Olivia through thick lashes. "Not really, Olivia. I told you-I didn't have a choice. The decision was already made in this elaborate plan for us to find one another."
"You surprised me after the surgery. I just wanted to die, and you… you were always so meek and quiet and unassuming, and the next thing I know you were barging into my room and force-feeding me. Being assertive and bossy, making me do things that I had no inclination to do. Who does that to me?" Olivia laughed softly. "Honestly, no one has ever stood up to me that way. Every day I wanted to fire you, to tell you off. Sometimes I'd hope that I'd die and you'd be the one to find me. But I never could get rid of you. And over time I realized that I didn't want to."
"You had to live. And I had to step outside of my comfort zone to help make that happen. All part of the plan." Natalia smiled brightly and grabbed Olivia's hands in her own. "Looking at that painful history, how could we possibly ever become friends? It's not like either of us is going to win any popularity contests. Most women are afraid of you, intimidated by you, or have lost a husband to you," Natalia said, and Olivia couldn't help it, she burst into laughter. Natalia's face had been completely blank, she looked confused as to why Olivia found that comment to be so funny. But when Olivia looked more closely, she saw the shadow of one dimple where Natalia's mouth curled up on one side as she tried to hide her smile. Mmhmm…. She is just NOT as innocent and naïve as people think she is. She's always surprising me.
"God, Natalia! Do you have to be so blunt about it?" Olivia asked with exaggerated exasperation.
Finally Natalia's cool exterior broke and she giggled. "Well, it's true!"
"I know! But you could put it a little more politely!" Olivia was laughing so hard she found it difficult to catch her breath and her sides started to hurt.
Natalia laughed along with her. When she finally could speak, she asked, "Exactly how do you politely say that you've stolen a few husbands in your day?"
"Hmm… I don't know! Maybe 'I've relieved a few women of the burden of being with a man who is no longer in love with them'? Or…" Olivia stopped when she heard Natalia start howling with laughter. "Oh, fuck it, you're right. There is no good way to say that!" Olivia gave in and they continued to laugh together. Every time it seemed the giggling would start to die down, they'd make eye contact and it would start all over again. Olivia honestly believed she could feel the endorphins lightening her soul, making her feel whole again. It had been so long since she had laughed like this.
Finally Natalia seemed to catch her breath enough to continue. "What I'm saying is, you didn't have many friends. I never had much time for friendship between working and taking care of Rafe. Becoming friends was extremely unlikely. And who would have ever thought we'd live together in a farmhouse? I had spent nearly my entire life in shabby apartments and boarding rooms. In my wildest dreams I'd never imagine that I'd be a homeowner, and most especially not a homeowner of a farmhouse and land and animals. And you? Olivia you were used to living in luxury. Having people take care of your every whim at the Spaulding mansion or at The Beacon. The two of us, living together, in the country? It should have been a disaster, but we somehow made it work. And we loved it."
Olivia nodded, her heart feeling heavier suddenly at the nostalgia she felt for the months she and Emma lived at the farmhouse with Natalia. It had finally felt like a real home to her and she had been thrilled that Emma would grow up in such a peaceful and loving environment.
*To Be Continued in an immediately following post.*
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe, Reva Shayne, Colin O'Neill, Marina Cooper, Harley Cooper, Henry Cooper, and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! I sincerely apologize for the nearly month delay since the last posting. It's lengthy, so hopefully that makes up for the time! So if you're still interested and reading the story, thank you. And Hooray! Chapter Seven has finally come to a close (weighing in at 64, 086 words!). If I ever try to write a chapter in installments again... someone stop me!
A/N2: It seems I wrote too much for one post again. I'll post part here and part in a post to follow immediately.
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part II] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part III] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part IV]) (Chapter Seven [Part V]) ( Chapter Seven [Part VI])
( Chapter Seven [Part VIIa]) ( Chapter Seven [Part VIIb])
Chapter Seven (Part VIII[a]) - Olivia Spencer
God, I'm so fucked. I'm crumbling like her apple streusel. Olivia couldn't decide if she should be laughing at herself, chastising herself, or just simply admitting defeat to the inexplicable life force that was Natalia. A very determined, very strong, and God, a very sexy Natalia. Olivia was well versed in the art of seduction; she'd had more lovers than she cared to think about over the years. Throughout her life she had been drawn to many men, and she had certainly enticed plenty in return. Drawing from those experiences, she knew one thing was certain. Confidence was hot, a major fucking turn-on. To believe you were irresistible made you so.
The Natalia who had returned from the retreat was the same in all the important ways: caring, kind, thoughtful, sweet, helpful, and devoted. But some of the qualities that had presented a challenge to their relationship: her meekness, her inability or unwillingness to stand up for herself and for Olivia, her perpetual worry over what people thought - those had been replaced with confidence, a backbone, and, as silly as it sounded, Olivia swore there was some swagger in that slightly awkward way that women that far along in pregnancy tended to walk.
And God! She's turning me the fuck on! Olivia whimpered inwardly. She had seen flashes of Natalia's sensuality, particularly when they were both vying for Gus's affection. At the time Olivia saw her as a rival and paid little attention to what she figured would be a school girl's attempts at competing with the skilled and sexual woman, both seeking the rugged, sensitive man's heart. While she had certainly been aware that Natalia could be attractive to men, Olivia had been so certain that she was more appealing that she largely ignored the younger woman and her efforts.
In their own relationship, Natalia had been exceedingly reserved in her displays of affection. Olivia had moved out of the farmhouse just prior to confessing her love for her then-roommate. Following their mutual professions of love, they had a difficult time finding the privacy that living together on the farm had afforded them. They often met at The Beacon, where people were frequently entering into Olivia's office or suite to discuss business. They'd meet for lunch at Company. They'd go to Emma's school functions. But this was Springfield, and even if you thought you were alone, someone could always pop up to ruin the moment.
Olivia's thoughts drifted back to the day in the park when she and Natalia had their sad little picnic. She finally felt they were making some progress on being comfortable around each other again. There had even been a little flirting! And then, out of nowhere, Frank was there. Of fucking course. He's everywhere in this town. The day on the bench when they discussed their mutual desire to be intimate, she had not seen Rafe approaching; the same was true later in the day when Natalia was offering champagne seductively and their world imploded in a young man's rage. It didn't matter how private you thought you were being, there were always eyes on you in Springfield.
So they rarely found themselves together in a secluded setting the way they had when they lived together at the farm. With eyes constantly upon them, Natalia had been vigilant about avoiding any overt signs of attraction to Olivia. It was sadly amusing to Olivia that prior to the outburst of love on Natalia's wedding day, they had constantly shared moments of intimacy. Prolonged gazing at each other, their eyes locked intensely, one soul speaking to the other words that couldn't dare be spoken aloud. A shared smile over the breakfast table at a silly comment made by Emma. A tender brush of Natalia's soft fingertips over the sensitive flesh on the back of Olivia's hand. Sitting too close on the couch, huddled beneath a blanket with her daughter between them and Olivia's hand barely grazing the small of Natalia's back. If the world had been paying attention, maybe they would have noticed. But no one ever expected the two women would fall in love, and so no one recognized the signs that were so prominent in retrospect.
Once they were actually committed to figuring out what was going on between them, Natalia became distant. She had been completely mortified when she realized what Miss Jennings and the other parents had thought about the nature of her relationship with Olivia at Emma's Family Day presentation. She had been hurt and angry when Doris insinuated in the media that there was a lesbian family living in the community. God forbid people think that she and Olivia were in love. Even when it was the truth, when they both recognized and admitted and embraced it, Natalia still didn't want others to think it was true.
Olivia sighed inwardly, contemplating all the steps they had gone through to deny the truth. She had never in her life been a woman who hid. She lived out loud, in full view, disinterested in what others said or thought about her. She couldn't possible care after having become such a public figure in Springfield. After all her high profile marriages, her scandals, being CEO of a successful hotel, being accused of trying to kill Reva, being a heart transplant survivor - she had no doubt that the people in town talked about her. She knew they likely talked about her frequently, and she heard enough whispers to know that the talk wasn't usually very kind.
Natalia was the complete opposite. She avoided public scrutiny at any cost. She was quite simple the most unassuming individual Olivia had ever known. Despite her absolute stunning beauty, she found a way to blend into the scenery most of the time. She was quiet. She worked hard and did what was expected of her because to do otherwise would draw attention. She hid from the world by living far out in the country, wearing clothes that hid her beautiful curves, working in nameless, faceless, thankless jobs. When people did take notice of her, when they got to know her, people rarely spoke ill of her. Most sung her praises. Hell, she let Frank think he had a chance with her. She let him sleep with her. She accepted his proposal. She pushed up the wedding date. She left him unceremoniously...embarrassingly at the altar. She told him she wanted to raise his baby with someone else. And yet, he readily admits he'd still do anything to be with her. He's helping keep her son out of the halfway house, always trying to find a way to help her or be near her and she does next to nothing for him in return. Olivia felt the slightest prickling of pity for Frank - honestly, how could he still think Natalia was a saint after all of that?
She led me to believe we were going to be together and then left. And I still want to be with her more than anything. Olivia quickly chased that thought out of her mind. She refused to feel pity for herself. More than that, she actively ignored the fact that she had basically admitted that she wanted to take Natalia back. That was completely and wholly at odds with the decision she had come to during Natalia's six week absence to never let her back into her life. In the time since Natalia had returned, seemingly unaware of all the damage she left in her path on her race to escape, Olivia had become even more resolute in her decision not to forgive her ex-girlfriend. And yet, here she stood beside her in the gazebo where Natalia had first confessed her love, and Olivia could physically feel her reservations, her hesitancies, her fears melting away. It terrified her that Natalia could so quickly, so easily influence how she thought and felt.
Olivia's hands were still softly holding Natalia's face, her thumbs brushing softly over her cheeks and the corners of her mouth. The younger woman's skin felt soft and smooth. In the moonlight, she looked radiant, glowing. After Olivia had confessed that she still wanted to be with her, Natalia's face had lit up in a spectacular grin, fire dancing in her eyes as she had looked into Olivia's. Before she realized what she was doing, Olivia leaned forward and kissed Natalia's forehead, softly and sweetly, lingering close. She inhaled the sweet scent of her ex; her knees felt weak at the familiar smell.
When she pulled back, she lowered her hands and clasped Natalia's in her own. They stood looking at each other quietly for a long moment.
"You have one question left, Olivia," Natalia reminded her quietly.
There was no doubt in her mind what she needed to ask. She hated that Natalia had made her so insecure that she even needed to present the question. For a flash of a moment, Olivia felt a hint of anger creeping into her consciousness at the fact that she had become so weak in response to Natalia's desertion. She quickly tamped the feeling down. She wanted to forgive Natalia. They could never be together if she didn't. And though it was difficult for her to admit, she wanted them to be together. She had never been as happy as she had been when they were together. Despite their lack of physical intimacy, their hiding from others, their stops and starts and confusion...she had never felt happier. If this were to work again, Olivia would need to forgive Natalia. It was not something that came easily or naturally to the older woman, particularly given how utterly devastated she had been for the previous two months. I forgave Jeffrey... this should be easy in comparison. But Jeffrey had violated her body--Natalia had violated her heart. And there was no doubt which of those offenses she felt more actutely, more painfully.
"Natalia…" she hesitated, feeling uncertain. It never failed to amaze her that she had no problem whatsoever being direct, blunt, assertive in nearly all her human interactions, but she was still fearful at times of being too forward with Natalia. She never wanted to hurt the more reserved, more indirect woman's feelings.
She swallowed hard. We have danced around each other for months and it has only led to confusion. She's being more direct tonight. I need to be more direct. Until we get things figured out, we just might have to say some things that have the potential to hurt each other.
"Is this real?" She leaned forward, trying to show kindness instead of judgment in her eyes. What she needed to say could end up sounding like an accusation; that wasn't what she wanted. She had yelled enough tonight, she had made Natalia cry, and she was tired of feeling such intense emotions. "What I mean is… I need you to promise me, really promise me that you're not going to run away from me again." She groaned inwardly at the need and fear she heard in her own trembling voice. She hated being vulnerable. Ever since that night at the Embassy, she loathed giving anyone control over her. She hated feeling inferior, reliant on someone else. And yet, she felt like her every opportunity at happiness in the world was dependent upon Natalia.
But that's love, Olivia. Joint, mutual dependence. Honesty and openness. Faith in one another. Having implicit trust in what your partner tells you. Having unwavering belief in what you cannot see, what you cannot know, what you cannot guarantee.
"I'm not trying to be difficult, Natalia, I'm not. And it's not that I haven't been listening to everything you've been telling me tonight. But you have to understand that I believed you before and so it is difficult for me to trust you again." She looked at Natalia; dark eyes were focused so intently on her own that it bordered on uncomfortable. Had it been anyone other than Natalia, Olivia would have found the gaze intrusive. Instead it just felt incredibly intimate.
"I want to trust you," Olivia added quietly. "But I need to know that you won't run from me again. I need you to swear that you won't break my heart again," she whispered. Her heart clenched in pain and she felt more exposed, more vulnerable, more unguarded than she could ever remember. "I can't… I won't survive this again. I'm too invested in this. Too addicted to the way I feel with you. Too wrapped up in this dream I've created in my mind for us. Too obsessed with finding ways to make you smile at me. Too overwhelmed by this connection between us. Nothing could ever compare to this Natalia. I thought I was going to die when you left," Olivia's voice trailed off as she felt the tears begin to sting in the corners of her eyes. "Most days I wanted to," she added.
Natalia stepped closer to her, cupped her face with her warm hands and brushed away a tear that had escaped and was slipping down the side of Olivia's nose with the tender touch of her thumb. "Olivia…" she whispered, before leaning in and kissing Olivia's left cheek, followed immediately with a kiss to her right cheek.
The tension hung between them. A thousand thoughts were racing through Olivia's mind, frustrating her because all she wanted was a little silence. She feared if she couldn't stop the thoughts, one of two things would happen. First, she might start talking, trying to verbalize all the things on her mind. She wasn't ready to do that yet. She already felt embarrassed at sharing the depth of her need and vulnerability to Natalia. Olivia knew that true love required the complete exposure of your heart and soul, but she already felt raw from the gamut of emotions she had experienced tonight. At some point she needed a little balm for her scarred soul; she hoped that somehow Natalia would find a way to assure her that this was forever this time.
The second outcome she wanted to avoid was being so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she wouldn't be able to really focus on what Natalia was saying to her. There had been too many times in their relationship-even before they were romantically involved-that she had underestimated Natalia or presumed to know what Natalia was thinking. Instead of listening carefully, weighing the words and the meaning behind her nonverbal messages, Olivia's mind would be thinking through her counter point, her objections, or how to get Natalia to feel or think or do what Olivia thought would be best for her.
Natalia had repeatedly voiced concerns, hesitations and reservations about her relationship with Frank. When Frank proposed, Natalia told her that she couldn't give him an answer. She asked Olivia why she couldn't give him an answer. Looking back, Olivia was now convinced that the questions Natalia asked that night and the comments she had offered were not solely about whether she should marry Frank. She had been challenging Olivia that night, begging her to say what needed to be said. The questions she had asked, the way she had looked at Olivia - the meaning behind the words was not what Olivia was expecting to hear, and so she ignored the subtleties and the hints: Natalia questioning if God had someone in mind for her, but not the person she had imagined… Natalia asking Olivia what more she could need other than Frank, who was a great guy… practically begging Olivia to say that she needed her, and Emma, and their family… Her quick retort of "Really?" when Olivia suggested that perhaps Natalia should marry Frank. Olivia wondered if she had been less caught up on her own thoughts, her own fears, if she would have heard what Natalia was really saying that night. And if so, would she have had the courage to answer her?
When Olivia had discovered Natalia crying over her wedding dress, Natalia once again was telling Olivia more than just the literal meaning of the words she spoke. "I can't let you do this…," "I can't have the one thing I want…" On some level, Olivia knew at the time that Natalia wasn't talking about the dress, but she chose to ignore and evade because she believed she knew what was best for Natalia. She thought at the time that saying something, acting in that moment, would at best cause pain for everyone involved, and at worst would drive Natalia from her life completely.
After the wedding, the day at Emma's school, Natalia tried to convince Olivia that she wanted a relationship with her. She pleaded with Olivia, insisted that she understood what was happening, what it meant to love someone. But Olivia had already made up her mind that Natalia couldn't handle the relationship, was too vulnerable and susceptible to outside gossip. So instead of listening, Olivia just talked over Natalia, ignored her pleas, and eventually walked away, insisting they had no future together.
Their relationship history was littered with moments like these. There were probably hundreds of moments that could have been turning points, could have drastically changed the path they were on if only they had communicated better with one another. Olivia wasn't foolish enough or self-flagellating enough to think that was entirely her fault. Cleary, Natalia had stopped Olivia on several occasions from saying what was on her mind. Natalia's words were often so subtle, so nuanced, and so indirect that it was nearly impossible to accurately decipher what she was actually trying to express. And given their volatile and rocky history, Olivia had often tried to avoid landmines by avoiding making assumptions about what Natalia was insinuating with her very vague words. They were both to blame for exactly where they stood tonight. Olivia wondered if she had done something differently at any of those moments, how differently would things be right now? Could saying something differently prevented Natalia from sleeping with Frank? Would Natalia still have eventually run away had she not found out she was pregnant with Frank's baby? Could Olivia have done something that would have influenced Natalia to say no to his proposal? If, instead of always talking, she had just kissed Natalia once-would it have made things more clear in their minds?
Olivia was too old to play the games of what if and what could have been. And she recognized that changing any one moment in their relationship might have made it better, easier, but it also might've destroyed them. What mattered now, in this moment, was that she gave Natalia her undivided attention and that she really listened to her. She needed to understand Natalia's answer, and if there was any doubt in her mind she needed to ask enough follow-up questions until she was completely satisfied that she knew exactly where the younger woman stood on the issue.
Olivia shook her head, realizing that in her musings about the times she should have listened carefully she wasn't actually listening carefully. She met Natalia's gaze. "Where were you, just now?" Natalia questioned.
"I was thinking," Olivia began. "About all the times when we didn't say what we meant. The times we didn't listen to each other. We can't do that anymore, Natalia. If this is going to work we have to be honest with each other, even when it hurts. And the question I asked you, I know a completely honest answer from you could potentially hurt me. But I can't accept anything less than the truth at this point. I'm not saying that we'll have no future together if you can't give me the answer I need right now… maybe we can try to be friends, but I can't give you back control of my heart until I am certain that you're not going to break it again. So I need you to be completely honest and blunt with me."
Natalia looked so angelic in that moment Olivia thought she might never experience such a moment of untainted beauty ever again. The way she was looking at her, dark eyes intent, cast slightly upward to look into Olivia's. The way her dimples popped up as she chewed on her lower lip, apparently concentrating. The way the stars in the sky framed her in Olivia's line of sight. The radiant glow of her skin, which had always been beautiful… but pregnancy made it appear absolutely flawless.
Everything I could ever want, ever need… all my happiness is standing here before me, offering to share her life with me. I just need the courage to take the leap of faith. Olivia had never felt more terrified in her life. The greater the risk, the greater the reward. That simple mantra, so clichéd in the business world, had never been more apt. If she played it safe, she'd end up living a sort of half-life, rather similar to how she had been living over the past weeks. Depressed but getting by. Lonely but functioning in the world. Feeling no joy but feeling no heartache.
If she jumped off the edge, risked everything, gambled on her future, there were only two possible outcomes. Either her every dream would come true… or her entire world would fall apart, shattered, impossible to mend. There were no other alternatives. There was no middle ground. It would be all or nothing. Olivia knew she didn't have to make the decision right in that moment, but it would have to come soon. She couldn't continue to do this dance with Natalia, the pursuit and the running as anger and hope battled for dominance in her mind.
"This?" Natalia said, motioning her hand between the two of them. "This is so rare, Olivia. I know you can see that. You've been in love before, you've been married five times, you could have any person in the world you wanted. But have you ever felt like this before?" Natalia asked, her voice strong and certain.
Olivia shook her head. "I've never felt anything like this before, Natalia. I never knew love like this even existed in the world," she answered honestly.
Natalia smiled brightly. "That's because the kind of love we share is unheard of. It's extraordinary. So few people ever find someone who makes them feel this way. Look at us, Olivia. We had every obstacle between us. If you look at this situation from a detached position-if you look at us with logic rather than emotion-this never should have happened. There were so many moments where things should have been different, but for whatever reason they happened the way they did. And I think that reason is because you and me… Our souls are meant to be together, Olivia. There's no other possible explanation for how and why all these things happened to us."
Olivia weighed the words, considered them, tried to figure out exactly what Natalia was telling her. Olivia had certainly thought on more than one occasion that the possibility of them falling in love had to miniscule. But she needed to know where Natalia was in her thoughts, how she had come to that conclusion. It might give Olivia some insight into Natalia's commitment.
"Tell me what you mean?" Olivia inquired. "I think I understand what you're saying, but it would help me to know how you got to that conclusion."
Natalia paused, her eyes glancing away as they often did when she was considering her thoughts. Olivia had always thought that particular mannerism was adorable. It was as though she were physically looking for answers, like they might be scattered around them in the moonlit park. Her heart skipped a beat and she couldn't suppress a tiny smile. Everything about Natalia was so adorably captivating.
"Well… I waited forever for Nicky to come back to Chicago for me. I had no real reason to believe he would. He left with no word. He didn't know about Rafe. We were so young, why would he come back? How could he come back? And yet for all those years, I refused to love anyone else. My heart belonged to him but I wasn't aggressive enough to try to find him. I waited passively for him to come back for me. And then one morning I woke up and I knew. It was like I was being guided by some unknown force, like God was whispering in my ear. I knew I had to find him. So Rafe and I packed our few belongings and took off in the world to find him. I turned my life completely upside down, risking everything on the hope that I'd find him and he'd still want to be with me. Do you see how strange that is for me? I'm not that kind of person, Olivia."
Olivia nodded slowly, thinking about what it must have been like for Natalia to uproot and move to a new city. She was far too shy to easily make new friends. She had no money and no jobs lined up. It would be an enormous risk for anyone, but was even more surprising out of Natalia. She rarely made rash decisions, always carefully weighed her options, did as much research as possible, and prayed about it forever before reaching a conclusion. "That must have been terrifying," Olivia said sympathetically.
"It was. But I had to do it. So I arrive here in Springfield, and I find him but he's married. What do I do? I slept with him, Olivia! I slept with a married man. I cherish and honor marriage-it's sacred to me. It had been nearly two decades since I had slept with anyone. That was so out of character for me. At the time I felt possessed, like someone had taken over my body and made me do this horrible thing. But I was so thrilled to have him back in my life. I'm not that woman, Olivia. I don't know why or how I did that, but I did. And I think I had to. Nicky and I needed to be together."
Olivia almost couldn't believe what she was hearing. She had always assumed that Natalia would be deeply ashamed of what she had done to Gus and Harley. She figured she'd probably undergone weeks or months of penance, sacrifice, self-loathing and begging forgiveness from God. But the way she was speaking, Natalia spoke as if it were as banal a topic as deciding what to order for lunch at Company. Very plainly, very simply, without shame coloring her cheeks and without averting her eyes. As though it were the most mundane thing in the world for the devoutly Catholic woman to talk about sleeping with married men.
"You sound so…" Olivia couldn't quite pinpoint the word she was looking for. "Blasé about the whole thing."
Natalia smiled at her. "Of course not, Olivia. I hated what I did because that was not the kind of woman I ever wanted to be. I prayed for guidance and answers. But at the time it felt like I had no other choice. And I think now that is even more true. This love between us," she once again gestured at the space between her and Olivia's bodies, "was dependent on me and Nicky being together. It was what brought you and me into each others' orbit. We had to be rivals first so one day we'd be able to appreciate being close."
Olivia smiled. "So we were destined to hate each other?" she asked playfully.
"No." Natalia answered, shaking her head quickly, her dimples showing when she pursed her lips. "We needed to be rivals. We needed to find one another. But there was never hatred, Olivia. I thought there was, but it wasn't. A dozen other emotions - jealousy and anger and insecurity and fear-but I never hated you. And you didn't hate me. I know you too well, Olivia. You are too good a person to hate. You forgave Philip! He kidnapped Emma and you've forgiven him. Even when you were terrified of him, when you were threatening to kill him, I don't think you hated him."
Olivia bit her lower lip as she considered the possibility that Natalia was right. "Maybe…" she answered noncommittally. She certainly thought she had hated Philip in that moment, but Natalia often had insight into Olivia that she herself was not privy to. Maybe it was just overwhelming fear and anger, but not hatred. After all, she had loved him once, and she considered him a good friend now.
Olivia watched as Natalia moved closer and placed her open palm above Olivia's heart. She felt her pulse quicken in response to the simple touch. She has the most magical effect on me. I've been with so many lovers and none of them could make me feel so much with such a small gesture.
"So while I'm busy winning Gus from Harley, you were getting sick. What were the chances? You're still young, you had no history of heart problems, you're in great shape," Natalia continued. Olivia felt butterflies in her stomach when she saw Natalia's eyes quickly flick down her body and back up when she mentioned Olivia being in good shape. Olivia caught her eye and she could see Natalia's cheeks turn a shade darker. "You eat right, Olivia, and you exercise. You maybe drink a little too much at times…" Natalia smiled at her, acceptance in her eyes. She wasn't being judgmental or nagging, Olivia thought. Simply stating a fact. "But let's face it-you are not the typical patient who needs a heart transplant."
Olivia pressed her own hand over Natalia's, twined their fingers together. "You're right. It was such a surprise to me. Nothing had ever really slowed me down."
"That's right," Natalia agreed. "There had to be a reason for it to happen. Now, what do you think were the odds that a heart would become available for you on the day Nicky and I were getting married? And what on Earth was I thinking that day?" Natalia's free hand covered her mouth; her eyes closed for a moment. When she opened them again, there were tears threatening to spill forth. "I could have killed you, Olivia. I would never do something like that! I would never hurt anyone on purpose, and yet, I knew that day that I had to make sure you wouldn't be able to stop the wedding." The tears began to fall, enormous tears leaving wet trails over the perfect curve of Natalia's cheeks. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, and then she sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Olivia."
Olivia felt an overwhelming need to protect Natalia from herself, from her guilt in that moment. "Shhh…" she said as she wrapped her arm around Natalia, pulled her close. She took the hand that had been covering Natalia's and brushed the tears from the younger woman's cheeks and then wrapped that arm around her as well. "It's okay, baby," she said, startled at how easily the endearment slipped off her tongue. "We don't know what would have happened. Maybe I would have rejected that heart. Maybe I wouldn't be here today. Maybe no one would've been there to make sure I took my meds and I got showered and got out of bed. Nothing bad happened…" She paused and then quickly continued, "to me, I mean. I know eventually you lost Gus. Because of me," her voice trailed off at the end of the sentiment.
Natalia pulled back quickly, shaking her head. "No, Olivia, don't you see? It had to be this way. You missed out on a heart, and your health was failing, and just as you were about to give up hope, Gus died. That just can't be a coincidence. The man who brought us together, the man you and I fought over would be the man who would help us find our way. I thought I hated you in that moment, and I blamed you for his death."
"I'm sorry--" Olivia began, but Natalia quickly interrupted her.
"No. He made his own decisions, Olivia. I couldn't see that at the time. But what I did see was that I had to give you his heart. I felt like it would kill me to do it, but I knew there was no other option. That was why it was so important that I found him, so important that I married him. Maybe someone else wouldn't have given you his heart."
"You're right…" Olivia said softly. "It's crazy really. And I suspect that any other woman would have hated me, would have blamed me, and would have refused to give me her husband's heart. You're astounding, Natalia."
Natalia cast her eyes downward, smiled, before looking back up at Olivia through thick lashes. "Not really, Olivia. I told you-I didn't have a choice. The decision was already made in this elaborate plan for us to find one another."
"You surprised me after the surgery. I just wanted to die, and you… you were always so meek and quiet and unassuming, and the next thing I know you were barging into my room and force-feeding me. Being assertive and bossy, making me do things that I had no inclination to do. Who does that to me?" Olivia laughed softly. "Honestly, no one has ever stood up to me that way. Every day I wanted to fire you, to tell you off. Sometimes I'd hope that I'd die and you'd be the one to find me. But I never could get rid of you. And over time I realized that I didn't want to."
"You had to live. And I had to step outside of my comfort zone to help make that happen. All part of the plan." Natalia smiled brightly and grabbed Olivia's hands in her own. "Looking at that painful history, how could we possibly ever become friends? It's not like either of us is going to win any popularity contests. Most women are afraid of you, intimidated by you, or have lost a husband to you," Natalia said, and Olivia couldn't help it, she burst into laughter. Natalia's face had been completely blank, she looked confused as to why Olivia found that comment to be so funny. But when Olivia looked more closely, she saw the shadow of one dimple where Natalia's mouth curled up on one side as she tried to hide her smile. Mmhmm…. She is just NOT as innocent and naïve as people think she is. She's always surprising me.
"God, Natalia! Do you have to be so blunt about it?" Olivia asked with exaggerated exasperation.
Finally Natalia's cool exterior broke and she giggled. "Well, it's true!"
"I know! But you could put it a little more politely!" Olivia was laughing so hard she found it difficult to catch her breath and her sides started to hurt.
Natalia laughed along with her. When she finally could speak, she asked, "Exactly how do you politely say that you've stolen a few husbands in your day?"
"Hmm… I don't know! Maybe 'I've relieved a few women of the burden of being with a man who is no longer in love with them'? Or…" Olivia stopped when she heard Natalia start howling with laughter. "Oh, fuck it, you're right. There is no good way to say that!" Olivia gave in and they continued to laugh together. Every time it seemed the giggling would start to die down, they'd make eye contact and it would start all over again. Olivia honestly believed she could feel the endorphins lightening her soul, making her feel whole again. It had been so long since she had laughed like this.
Finally Natalia seemed to catch her breath enough to continue. "What I'm saying is, you didn't have many friends. I never had much time for friendship between working and taking care of Rafe. Becoming friends was extremely unlikely. And who would have ever thought we'd live together in a farmhouse? I had spent nearly my entire life in shabby apartments and boarding rooms. In my wildest dreams I'd never imagine that I'd be a homeowner, and most especially not a homeowner of a farmhouse and land and animals. And you? Olivia you were used to living in luxury. Having people take care of your every whim at the Spaulding mansion or at The Beacon. The two of us, living together, in the country? It should have been a disaster, but we somehow made it work. And we loved it."
Olivia nodded, her heart feeling heavier suddenly at the nostalgia she felt for the months she and Emma lived at the farmhouse with Natalia. It had finally felt like a real home to her and she had been thrilled that Emma would grow up in such a peaceful and loving environment.
*To Be Continued in an immediately following post.*