Fic: I Know You Love Me, Chapter Seven (Part VII [a])
Title: I Know You Love Me
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe, Reva Shayne, Colin O'Neill, Marina Cooper, Henry Cooper, and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! I sincerely apologize for the nearly two month delay since the last posting. I'm not expecting it to take so long between postings normally. So if you're still interested and reading the story, thank you.
A/N 2: Livejournal just indicated this is too long to post in one entry. So I'll split it into two and immediately post the second half after this first half. Sorry!
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part II] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part III] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part IV]) (Chapter Seven [Part V]) ( Chapter Seven [Part VI])
Chapter Seven (Part VII[a]) - Natalia Rivera
Natalia stepped closer to Olivia, settling herself back comfortably into the older woman's embrace. She snaked her arms around Olivia's pale neck, softly threaded her fingers through dark tresses and looked up into green eyes that were looking down at her.
She tried to decipher what Olivia was feeling by her eyes and her body language, but for once she wasn't able to adequately ascertain what her girlfriend was thinking. Natalia recognized that she had just covered a lot of territory regarding her thoughts about God and religion. Both were subjects she knew Olivia worried about in excess and struggled to understand at times. She hoped she had made her arguments and conclusions clear. She needed to know if Olivia accepted and understood the consequences and repercussions of her beliefs.
"Olivia?" She asked softly. "Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Olivia continued to gaze at her and Natalia felt her skin tingle under the careful scrutiny. "I think so," Olivia stated softly. "But it's going to take some getting used to."
"Well you asked for time… I told you I would give that to you," Natalia answered as she leaned closer to Olivia and then gently placed her head on Olivia's strong shoulder, breathing softly on her girlfriend's neck. "I'll give you all the time you need. But… Olivia?"
"Hm?"
"What is it that will take you getting used to?" Natalia believed she understood Olivia's reservations. If anything, tonight had been an epiphanous, eye-opening experience for her in regards to how Olivia had experienced both their former relationship and also her six weeks of solitude. She had learned things from Olivia that she never would have guessed. So instead of making assumptions about substantive thoughts swirling through the older woman's mind, Natalia wanted to be certain that she had clarity. It was only by knowing Olivia's reservations that Natalia could actively work at helping to guide her through them, past them, beyond them so they could be together in every sense of the word.
"It's just going to take time for me to have faith in your answers, Natalia." Olivia sighed and rubbed small circles upon her temple. "I believe that you feel this way today, right now, in this moment. And what you've said to me sounds convincing."
Natalia stood up straighter, a subconscious gesture of defiance against what was being insinuated. "I am convinced. I told you, I had to stay away until I was certain."
"I know, but… you've sounded certain to me before. You told me you didn't want to wait anymore. It wasn't me asking you not to wait, or pressuring you that day. Unsolicited, you told me you were ready for us to be together. And just a few days later you were gone. You sounded certain that day, Natalia. You told me that it didn't matter what everyone else thought, it didn't matter if they were okay with our relationship or not. And then you left." Olivia's voice was even, and she sounded resigned more than anything else to Natalia. Which was a step in the right direction, she believed. Earlier in the evening Olivia had gotten furious when she had talked about Natalia's disappearance, and following that she had gotten profoundly depressed.
Olivia's trail of emotional upheaval might be frightening to some, confusing to others, but Natalia believed she had an understanding of what might be going on in Olivia's head and her heart. And if she were right, then the resignation and acceptance she heard in Olivia's voice were good signs. Others might interpret the lack of emotion as indifference or apathy directed at the relationship. Natalia had always heard that hatred and anger were not the absence of love; indifference and apathy existed where love didn't. She once told Olivia she hated her, and she still believed in that moment it had been true. How surprised she had been to later find herself passionately and completely in love with the same woman she had once believed to be so cruel, so cold, and so unlovable. In honestly, the sensations felt very similar, the predominant difference being only valence. When she had truly hated Olivia, her body had tensed, her thoughts had raced, her heart rate skyrocketed, and body trembled whenever the older woman was around. It truly wasn't that different from what she was feeling in this very moment, standing so close to the woman she loved.
If one took this approach, then Olivia's indifference to the situation and their relationship would be troublesome. From that perspective, it would be better to have Olivia feel anger about Natalia's disappearance than to feel nothing about it. But that wasn't the way Natalia was choosing to look at the situation. In her eternal optimism, she was choosing to look at the situation from a different point of view.
When Natalia had first been forced to leave her home as a pregnant teenager, she had found solace in talking with other members of her church. They became a surrogate family in some ways. Obviously they were no replacement for the loss of her own mother and father, but she found a few kind individuals who had helped her when she needed it most. She had sadly lost touch with most of them over the years. A few years after Rafe was born, they had moved across town to an apartment with cheaper rent. Natalia had neither the time nor money to travel back across Chicago to attend that particular church. Working two or three jobs left little time for social outings or writing letters and one by one, her angels, as she had come to think of them, faded from her life.
Of all the people who helped Natalia, there was one individual who stood out in her mind as having the greatest impact on Natalia. She was perhaps the person who single-handedly ensured that Natalia survived those tough early years of parenthood, made tougher by her young age, her single status, and her lack of familial assistance. Mrs. Parsons was an elderly woman, a recent widow, and she treated Natalia as though she were a daughter or granddaughter. She'd check in on her at least twice a week and she often found odd jobs for Natalia to perform to earn a little extra money. After Rafe was born, there were a few occasions where Natalia found herself in a bind with work and childcare; Mrs. Parsons would watch Rafe for a few hours so Natalia could work.
She had been 6 months pregnant and living in the home for unwed mothers when she first met Mrs. Parsons. The kind woman approached her after mass, smiled brightly at her and congratulated her on her pregnancy. Natalia had balked; no one had congratulated her on her pregnancy. She had been chastised, demeaned, and lectured; never once was she told that her baby would be a blessing, a gift from God. She knew it was wrong to have a baby out of wedlock. Despite that unshakable belief, so fundamental to the teachings of the Church, she silently and somewhat ashamedly felt in her heart that the baby was a gift, a way to keep her connected to her precious Nicky. For someone else to see the baby as a blessing was an unexpected surprise for Natalia. She wasn't certain if the older woman was being serious or sarcastically condescending until they conversed further.
Mrs. Parsons began gently probing for details and quickly learned that Natalia's family had disowned her. When questioned further about her feelings and how she was coping, Natalia hadn't been able to verbalize her fears and emotions. She had spent the better part of the time since she had left just trying to make ends meet and prepare for the arrival of the baby; there had been no time to deal with her own emotional fallout.
Mrs. Parsons asked her to come to the church bereavement group the following Wednesday evening. Having lost her husband a few weeks prior, the elderly woman told Natalia she had been going regularly and talking with other individuals who were also grieving. The support and discussion was spiritual and insightful; Mrs . Parsons said she was slowly learning to accept the death of her long-time spouse. Natalia had been confused. She wasn't grieving the death of anyone, and she said so to Mrs. Parsons. "Oh, Natalia," the elderly woman had said, her voice frail but filled with gentle acceptance. "Of course you are grieving. The loss of any relationship causes the same heartbreak and pain, no matter how the relationship is lost… be it death, or a breakup, a friendship spoiled, or parents who cannot accept a child." Natalia felt unsure, but given how few people she had to turn to in her life at that time, she trusted Mrs. Parsons. She certainly didn't want to offend the woman who was providing so much comfort and kindness at a time when Natalia received very little. She agreed to attend the next meeting.
The church bereavement group was an incredibly enlightening experience for Natalia. Mrs. Parsons had been right; much of their discussions and lessons were focused on loss in general, and not simply the loss of a relationship partner through death. She had been especially fascinated when the session leader discussed the Kubler-Ross stage theory of grief. Originally intended to describe the process that individuals went through when learning of their own impending death, many people found that they went through similar stages when losing an individual in their life, either because of death or some other reason, such as in Natalia's circumstance.
And now, as Natalia watched the shifting emotions that Olivia displayed, she was again reminded of the five stages of grief that Olivia had likely been experiencing when Natalia escaped. Though the theory predicted that people would move in a linear fashion through the stages, Natalia believed from her own experiences that the stages were in constant flux. Perhaps people generally moved through the phases from start to finish, but in her own life she had often seen a lot of overlap between stages, experiencing different emotions at the same time. Other times she found herself fluctuating between phases… feeling depression one day only to find herself angry the next. She suspected from what she was learning about Olivia's experiences while she was away that Olivia too had shifted through the stages in a circuitous fashion.
In the theory, it is predicted that individuals will first confront denial about the loss. Olivia had indicated to her earlier in the evening that when Natalia had first left, Olivia tried to rationalize that it wasn't leaving. There simply had to be some other explanation. Olivia had believed there was only a misunderstanding; Natalia certainly wouldn't just leave with no word. Olivia had refused to believe that Natalia could just vanish, leaving her with no explanation, no rationale, and no promise of return.
The second step to coming to terms with the loss of someone is experiencing anger, and Olivia had certainly been angry with both Natalia and herself. Based on Natalia's conversations with both Olivia and others, coupled with her own intuition, she knew Olivia was furious with her for leaving, had tried to chase her down and nearly assaulted a nun at a Catholic retreat in the process. When Natalia had returned home, there had been shattered glass and debris on her porch - she knew immediately Olivia had been there, angry and searching for her.
Olivia carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, a trait that Natalia at times admired for the strength and fortitude it exhibited, and other times loathed because it burdened the woman she loved with far too much responsibility. Because she saw herself as being in control of the world around her, Olivia had mistakenly blamed herself for Natalia's disappearance. The hostility she must've felt radiating reflexively was the likely antecedent that eventually led her to revert to some of her most destructive behaviors - drinking too much alcohol, chasing men for meaningless sex, and blowing off work, parenting, or other responsibilities. Because grief and anger can both become so complicated they become seemingly impossible to escape, Olivia likely found herself trapped for a good deal of time in the anger phase of her processing. Knowing Olivia, and specifically knowing how desperately she tried to perfectly balance her strong will and her outrageous personality with the need to be careful and considerate and a mother, Natalia would've been willing to bet the farm that the angrier Olivia got for Natalia's departure, the more destructive she became; the more destructive she became, the more anger she felt toward herself for losing control. Natalia felt her heart clench in sympathy for the pain she caused her girlfriend, but also in shame for being so concerned with her own needs that she failed to recognize Olivia's.
The third stage generally encountered when working through one's grief over a loss is bargaining. And Olivia had also exhibited behaviors indicative of this stage. During a conversation in the days immediately following her return to Springfield, Olivia confessed that she had once gone to visit Gus's grave. She had stood and talked to him, asking him to bring Natalia back to her. She had promised that if only Natalia would return, she would do everything in her power to make the younger woman happy. She'd behave better. She'd stop pressuring Natalia to further their relationship.
Natalia hadn't told this particular piece of information to Olivia - she knew it would infuriate her - but Doris had approached her after her return to determine Natalia's intentions and also to make clear the effects of her abandonment. Natalia knew Olivia didn't want other people fighting her battles and she didn't want other people speaking for her. After tonight, hearing from Olivia exactly what her existence had been like in those six long weeks, Natalia understood that Doris had actually been quite reserved in her discussion. She had not expressed the extent to which Olivia was hurting; she had sugar-coated exactly how much damage Natalia had inflicted. During the brief discussion, the mayor revealed that she recalled clearly Olivia specifying that it wouldn't matter if she and Natalia went back to being just friends, or if she had to wait an indefinite amount of time for Natalia to be ready to progress with their relationship. Olivia simply wanted to be with Natalia, no matter what it meant giving up. For her to willingly surrender her own happiness, her own corporeal needs to merely have Natalia in her life, in any manner of relationship, spoke volumes to the extent to which Olivia was willing to sacrifice and bargain to bring Natalia back.
Depression is typically the fourth stage to be encountered during the healing and acceptance process. Even if Olivia hadn't told Natalia some of the pain and depression she had been suffering, she would've known just by looking at her. Olivia had always appeared radiant to Natalia. Her skin was bright, soft, and seemed to glow and shine. Now her flesh was sallow, pallid, and stark. It was as though the sun used to shine from within Olivia, but in the time since Natalia had left, the fire had burned out, leaving behind ashes and heavy smoke that left her skin dull. She was thinner than she had been in early July. Having already been toned and healthy, losing the weight made her appear gaunt in places. It was like her body was physically manifesting the hollowness in her heart, the void that resulted from her loneliness and confusion. Natalia could see the difference in Olivia's structure and frame despite the clothes that now hung a little too loosely upon her. Hip bones jutting too sharply below her waist, Natalia had actually felt them pressing into her when she and Olivia had embraced. Olivia's shoulders looked too tight, her clavicle showing too prominently. The difference was subtle but Natalia had recognized it immediately. After watching Olivia's body change and heal after the heart transplant, she came to recognize how to gauge her health through the way she appeared. So the weight loss was troubling; Olivia hadn't been eating properly, or possibly much at all. Her eyes were sunken, heavy shadows beneath them and a dullness that made Natalia's own swell with tears. Olivia's eyes were perhaps her most striking feature; so expressive, so vibrant, so vivid and entrancing. To see them lifeless, just as they had been after the surgery, told Natalia all she needed to know about Olivia's level of depression: the feeling may not have been as intense this time as it was the prior year, but Olivia had lost her will to survive.
The final stage of the grieving process was acceptance of the loss, and it was at this point that healing and understanding occurred. And Natalia believed, if one were truly able to process their experience of grief and embrace the place of healing at which they would arrive, there was also potential at this point for forgiveness. And it was for this reason that Natalia felt hope at Olivia's seeming apathy and resignation. Of course she'd rather Olivia rush into her arms, profess her undying love, and then bestow her with the most passionate, body igniting and soul uniting kiss either had ever experienced. In retrospect, she had naively believed that would be the case when she had originally reemerged in Springfield. She had forgotten the important lessons she had learned in the church support group nearly two decades prior: loss came in many forms, and for all intents and purposes, Olivia believed she had lost Natalia.
In the early part of Natalia's healing she believed she had lost her parents for good and would never be able to accept after they had treated her so carelessly. But as she reached acceptance, enlightened understanding, she came to realize that she would forgive them and welcome them back into her life if they presented her the opportunity. That condition was imperative for her; she refused to ask them to welcome her and her baby, their only grandchild, into their lives. They had made it clear they wanted her to leave. But if they made the first move, if they experienced God's unending love for all humans regardless of sins or failures and asked her to forgive them, she would without hesistation. For many years after Rafe was born she found herself daydreaming about a moment when her mother would step through the door at one of the restaurants where Natalia was serving. They'd make eye contact, rush to embrace, and then her mother would quietly apologize and tell her how much she had been missed all those years. Natalia imagined showing her Rafe's school photographs, as there had never been money for professional pictures, and in her mind her mother's dark eyes would fill, large tears falling silently from them, and they would hold tightly to one another indefinitely. She would not initiate contact, but if it were offered she would welcome it.
And this was her strategy with Olivia. If it really were the case that Olivia had come to a place of acceptance beyond the anger and the depression, then Natalia could eventually find forgiveness if she simply went about it the right way. Asking clearly for it. Being painfully honest with Olivia about her goals and fears and the conclusions she had reached while she was gone. She needed to accept that it would take time for Olivia to trust her once again. Natalia tried desperately to nurture her patience within while tamping down her growing desire to not only be with Olivia, but to also quickly rebuild their family before their baby arrived. She frowned slightly, sad dimples against her cheeks, at the thought that she may not get her wish before the baby would be born. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she immediately replaced it with the reminder that in their recent past, Olivia had suffered far greater disappointment and sadness. This time was dedicated to reassuring Olivia, listening to her, meeting her needs. She quickly replaced the frown and smiled at her girlfriend.
"I understand your fears, Olivia. I will be patient, but I will also be constant in my pursuit to win back your affection," Natalia stated candidly.
Olivia sighed and stepped back slightly, escaping Natalia's embrace. The chilly evening air felt harsh against Natalia where a void had been left by the lack of her beloved's warmth. Olivia must have felt the distance, too. Natalia watched as she quickly wrapped her arms across her body, her hands vigorously rubbing up and down her arms to create friction and heat.
"My affection has never been in question. It's my trust in you. And I'm willing to consider the possibility, but I can't just jump back into this with you. I told you I need time."
"I know." Natalia replied simply.
They stared at each other for a brief moment, eyes filled with intensity and promise and longing. Natalia desperately wanted to move back into Olivia's space but she feared that doing so would upset the delicate balancing act they were currently holding to so precariously. When the energy and expectancy between them became too potent, Natalia's spirit fell as she watched Olivia's eyes blink away the tension and then look away.
"So I guess it is time for your last question?" Olivia prompted after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.
Natalia smiled, leaning in toward Olivia, desperately hoping to engage her again, to break down the wall she saw Olivia hiding behind. "Hmmm," she wondered aloud. "One question left. What to ask?"
Olivia smiled, and to Natalia it seemed that she was trying too hard to act cool; beneath the surface Natalia could see fear and insecurity. "An easy question, maybe? So we can get out of here sometime tonight?"
Natalia shook her head. "What fun would that be?" she asked innocently.
"This is supposed to be fun?" Olivia redirected. Her voice sounded challenging, but she smiled as she asked the question.
"Well…," Natalia spoke softly but with conviction. She reached forward and held Olivia's left hand in her own right hand, their arms reaching and linking in front of their bodies but still keeping the distance between them. She swung their arms gently side-to-side, playful and flirtatious. "It was fun when we kissed a few minutes ago."
Olivia's quirked eyebrow caused Natalia to feel a visceral response. The simple movement of muscle left her tummy tingling and she shivered as a chill raced up her spine, through her neck, and finally settled in the base of her skull.
"I know," Olivia replied softly; she paused before continuing. "But I'm freezing my ass off out here in this dress!" Her tone was one of exasperation, but Natalia knew her girlfriend was simply either teasing her, or she was deflecting attention away from the gravity of their kiss. If Olivia were truly uncomfortable, she'd leave.
Remembering the way Olivia had responded earlier in the evening when she had openly flirted, Natalia decided to tease back. She peeked around Olivia, looking down, and said, "Your…" she paused, hesitant to curse but not wanting to sound childlike either - after all, she was proving to Olivia that she could be a sexual being, she could go toe-to-toe with Olivia in all ways. "Your ass looks great; you're fine," she said, and she felt fire burning beneath her cheeks. She hoped the pale strand of moonlight streaming through the side of the gazebo, flanked by a panorama of stars wouldn't provide enough light for the older woman to see the blush that was spreading from her cheeks down to her chest. Olivia gaped momentarily, regained her composure, and smirked at Natalia. Her malachite eyes slowly slid down her body only to retrace their path on the way back up. The smoldering and untamed look in her eyes, the way they instantly turned smokier, reminded Natalia that she felt hopelessly out of her league when it came to seduction. Her knees trembled weak under the weight of Olivia's appraising gaze.
Olivia squeezed Natalia's hand and quickly jerked her closer. Natalia was so caught off guard by the movement that she stumbled forward; her unconscious reaction was to brace for her fall so her hands flew up landed squarely on Olivia's upper chest. "You've been checking out my ass?" Olivia murmured as she dipped her head lower, closer to Natalia.
A soft unconscious moan rose in the back of Natalia's throat as she felt the warm heat of her girlfriend's breath tease over the sensitive flesh of her ear. The sensation was so simple and yet so sensual and intimate. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, trying to steady her breathing and focus her cognitive faculties. She wondered if Olivia was testing her again, gauging her ability to withstand the sexual tension and overt attention. If Natalia exhibited any outward sign of weakness, Olivia was likely to misattribute it to discomfort or anxiety. The truth was, Natalia's shallow breathing, her dilated pupils, her shifting and squirming as she stood so close to the woman she loved were not from fear or anxiety. They were the physical manifestations of the fire she felt burning through her veins, a deeply rooted desire to feel not just Olivia's breath on her ear, but her lips, and then her tongue, followed by her brilliantly white, perfectly shaped teeth. Control yourself, Natalia inwardly warned. You have to prove to her that you want her as much as she wants you.
With that, Natalia placed her free hand on Olivia's bare shoulder. With the lightest touch she could muster, she moved her fingertips over the curve and then down the outside of her slender arm. Over the tone of her bicep, then drifting over her elbow, down her forearm. When she reached Olivia's wrist, she teased over the delicate skin of her inner arm, moving upwards, over the sensitive spot on the inner angle of her elbow, and back up further. Upon reaching the top of her girlfriend's arm, she looked up and saw Olivia watching carefully, unmoving, bitinh at the corner of her lower lip.
Natalia's hand moved to Olivia's slim torso, grazing over the soft and stretchy fabric of the dress. She could feel the older woman's ribs, not protruding but distinctly apparent, and she once again winced at what her departure had done to Olivia. When she reached the contour of her hip her hand slipped behind Olivia and her flayed fingers pressed firmly into the small of Olivia's back, effectively bringing their hips closer. She could feel the heat of being so close to Olivia and yet was frustrated because her expanding belly prevented them from standing close enough in their current position to press her girlfriend against the spot in her body that ached most.
She both felt and heard Olivia's sigh as she pressed their bodies closer. Natalia tilted her own head upward and whispered softly against Olivia's ear, "I've been checking out all of you, love." She grinned when she felt the quivering beneath the hand that was resting on her girlfriend's back. "I love you," she added softly.
Olivia pulled back slightly so they were looking at one another. "I believe you," she answered. Natalia chewed the inside of her lip as she tried to make sense of the comment. The way they were standing, with the moon behind Olivia, she had a difficult time deciphering her facial expression in the darkness.
"I know you love me, too," Natalia added, hoping she sounded confident. It wasn't that she didn't believe it; she knew Olivia loved her. But after all they had been through, all the trials and obstacles and judgments, she worried that loving her may have become too much hassle for Olivia. What if Olivia thinks not loving me is easier than loving me?
"I do love you." The words were spoken softly; Natalia could feel their impact as her heart felt like it was bounding and skipping, her pulse quick and feeling as though it were difficult to breathe. It certainly wasn't the first time Olivia had ever told her that she loved her. It wasn't the most dramatic declaration, not the most sensitive, and not the most romantic. But so many times in the past when they had professed their love they had real or metaphorical distance between them.
Early in the relationship when Natalia was still experiencing heavy doubt and the burden of confusion and indecision, she certainly loved hearing Olivia say the words. They made her feel special and treasured by a woman she found to be so fascinating. But the words had also weighed oppressively on her soul as she contemplated what it meant to be loved by another woman; what it meant that she felt the same romantic love in return. Did it make her a bad person? How could she be a devout Catholic while experiencing such sinful thoughts and feelings? Her fears and religion were metaphysical barriers between them, creating a chasm that seemed insurmountable at times.
But even as their relationship developed and changed, there was often physical distance between them. Natalia, resulting likely from a combination of her emotional distance, relationship naiveté, and generalized introversion was wary to initiate physical contact with Olivia. She was hesitant and uncertain in her ability to be openly affectionate in general, not to even take into account the fact that Olivia was a woman-a very sexual woman at that. Natalia felt ill-equipped to compete with Olivia's former lovers. She felt unskilled in the art of flirtation and seduction. She felt terrified at the prospect of being cast away by God for knowingly and willingly engaging in sinful behavior.
They had never spoken openly about their physical distance, but she believed Olivia stayed just beyond arm's reach for fear of overwhelming Natalia. Olivia had little faith in her own innate ability to be good, to make the right decision, or to behave in a manner that took others into consideration; this fact both amused and saddened Natalia. Olivia seemed to have boundless faith in herself in so many aspects of her life, and she genuinely portrayed some of the kindest and most selfless actions of anyone Natalia had ever know. Her self sacrifice during the fiasco of Natalia's courtship with Frank had proven that. So how Olivia could ignore the better parts of her soul-her generosity, her morality, her benevolence, her honor-was so absurd that Natalia couldn't help but smile. But that lack of ability to see her higher qualities made Natalia wonder how deep Olivia's self-worth issues ran; how little she thought of herself when it came to matters of goodness and virtue.
This time, hearing Olivia tell her that she loved her was different because there was no longer distance between them. At least not in Natalia's mind. She knew Olivia still would need time to trust her again, but they were closer at this moment than they had ever been before. But it was more than that; it was the ability to feel the woman she loved in her arms, to feel the comfort of Olivia's embrace as the words were spoken. The simple four words, spoken so delicately on a breath Natalia felt softly dance across her ear felt forceful; they penetrated her soul in a way Olivia's prior professions of love had never before. It was a completely new and overpowering experience for Natalia to not just hear the words, but to feel them, to experience them with an additional sense. And touch could convey infinitely more affection and emotion than simple words could carry.
Natalia had invented their game of ten-questions on the spot; she truly hadn't thought through the content of her five questions. Now that she was down to her last question, many were vying for opportunity to be asked and she had been trying to quickly think through them as she and Olivia were speaking. But the moment she heard the words stated so sincerely by her girlfriend, the next question immediately presented in her mind.
"How do you know?"
Olivia's brow furrowed briefly and she cocked her head to a questioning angle. "How do I know what?"
Natalia tilted her head to be parallel to Olivia's and smiled. "How do you know you love me?"
Olivia frowned. "Do you doubt me?" She asked, her voice sounding a bit sharp, wounded.
"No!" Natalia answered quickly, wanting to desperately reassure her girlfriend that she was not questioning the presence of love. She smiled, eyes pleading with Olivia to understand what she was asking. "I just told you that I know you love me," she nodded as she spoke, looking for agreement from Olivia. When the older woman slowly nodded her head once, Natalia continued. "I want to know how you know you love me… What is it in you that tells you that you love-" she paused, hesitated, but barreled on because she knew Olivia had been the strong one for too long. "What is it in you that tells you you're in love with me?"
Olivia remained silent. Natalia wasn't certain whether Olivia didn't understand her question, if she was unwilling to answer, or if she were simply considering her answer. The darkness once again impeded her ability to see the subtle changes in Olivia's features that she had learned to so carefully notice to guide her interpretations of Olivia's thoughts or emotional states.
"I can start, if it helps. I can answer this question, too, with you." Natalia waited for an indication of agreement, and finally she saw her girlfriend's head nod. "Olivia Spencer, I know I love you because I haven't been happy in the farmhouse since you left. You know how much I love the farm. I wanted that home more than almost anything in the world. I'm a simple girl and I don't want much when it comes to material things. But that big house, with the big front porch and the acres of land and the pond? After years of living in tiny, shabby apartments, I wanted to give Rafe a permanent home. When we lived there together, you and me and Emma, it felt like I had made the best decision of my life. It was a risk, but the reward was more than I could ever imagine. We were a real family with a real home. And for a while, I thought it was because of the house and its charm, because of the animals and the kitchen and the front porch bench."
Olivia nodded, "It's a great house, Natalia. I knew you'd be happy that you bought it."
"No, you're missing the point. It's not the house, Olivia. It was you and Emma. It feels like all the life left the house with the two of you. It's colder there, even in the dead of summer. You and I, we could sit on the bench, talk for hours as we watched the sun set, or even rise after talking all night. When I sit out there now, it feels uncomfortable and the view seems drab."
Natalia angled their bodies so Olivia could gaze out the gazebo. She used one arm to sweep across the landscape before them. "All this beauty in the world, Olivia; but I can't see it unless you're by my side."
The gentle curve of a small smile played at the corner of Olivia's mouth, but it never took complete form; Olivia never acknowledged it. She continued to sweep her gaze across the park before them. Natalia decided to continue, hoping to strike a chord within her girlfriend.
"You know I love baking and cooking. The kitchen was one of the things I loved most about the house. But you and Emma are gone, and Rafe rarely comes around. When I cook it is only for me. I hate that. I end up eating the same thing night after night because I have too many leftovers. No one smiles because they like it. No one offers to help dry the dishes after dinner. I can't watch movies any more because I see our blanket and it's too sad for me to be there without you and Em. So, I know I love you because you are home to me, Olivia. No matter where we are or where we go, if you are with me then I am home and I am with my family."
Olivia's hand brushed against the side of Natalia's face; the younger woman held her breath as a soft hand gently tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear before softly cupping the side of her face. Natalia smiled, and she felt Olivia's thumb barely brushing over the hollow of her dimple.
"I see you as my family, too, Natalia," Olivia whispered, her voice thick and trembling. She cleared her throat before continuing. "I know I love you because when you left, I was heartbroken for myself, but furious for Emma. I had come to see us as a family and I felt like you abandoned our daughter."
Natalia flinched, her face wincing. There was no anger or sarcasm in Olivia's tone; she sounded genuinely sad that things had not worked out the way she had hoped. It amazed her that Olivia, a woman with a hellfire temper, known to shoot first and ask questions later, wasn't still furious with her for abandoning Emma.
Natalia hated the sound of that word, abandonment, but there truly was no other word that fit the situation. When she was a younger woman, she had harbored deep resentment toward Nicky for a long time for leaving her, vanishing with no trace, leaving behind a child he was unaware she was carrying. He never had a chance to know Rafe even existed in those days. He certainly had no chance of loving Rafe and knowing the joys of parenthood. All those years she had hurt, even in the presence of her continued devotion to him. Her leaving was so much worse because she did know all the joys that were Emma. She had immediately loved the little girl, even when she and Olivia could barely speak to one another in a civil fashion. And Emma had grown accustomed to having her second mommy. Rafe had never known love from a father, so while he might have longed for it as a child, he never could fully grasp what he was missing out on. But Emma had experienced unconditional love from her second mommy, had come to expect it, and suddenly the mommy was gone. For a child unfamliliar with ways of the heart; when mommy left, it also seemed mommy's love left. Natalia once again felt the familiar shame of her actions burning in her belly. I feared loving Olivia was shameful, and it turned out to be right… I thought leaving would be right, and in many ways it turned out to be shameful, she thought wryly. But she refused to dwell on those thoughts. She had caused extraordinary pain to her family, but she had also come back with resolve and determination to be the best partner, the best second mommy they could ever hope for.
Olivia ceased the movement of her thumb across Natalia's cheek and used the hand to gently guide Natalia's face upward so she was looking into Olivia's eyes. "I'm not telling you this to hurt you, Natalia. It hurt me because I wanted you to be Emma's other mother. For the first time, I wasn't scared to leave her with someone. I fell deeper in love with you every time I saw you taking care of her, laughing with her, telling her stories. Even though you didn't like me very much before or immediately after my surgery, you were always great with Em. And when we moved in you accepted her as your own child immediately, even if we didn't openly acknowledge it. She knew you were her other mommy. Do you know how rare that is, Natalia, for someone to so openly and easily accept essentially a step-child? I've spent the better part of several marriages fighting with mine! I never once questioned your motives with her. I have never doubted that you love her just as much as you love Rafe."
Natalia lifted her own hand and placed it softly over Olivia's, which was still cupping the side of her face. Despite the cool evening air, Olivia's pale skin felt warm. "I'm so sorry, love," she whispered. "I never wanted to hurt either of you. I just needed to find a way to work through all of the hurdles so we could be the family we both dreamed about."
Natalia watched as Olivia nodded almost imperceptibly. When Olivia said nothing, Natalia continued speaking. "I know I love you because I can't stop thinking about you. No matter what I'm doing, you're there in my mind."
Olivia smiled. "It's the same for me, you know. I feel like no matter what I'm doing, at least half of my attention is focused on thoughts of you."
Natalia twined her fingers through Olivia's and lowered their hands to her heart, hers atop her girlfriend's. The simple sensation of feeling Olivia's long fingers and soft palm against her, even through the cotton fabric of her button down blouse, sent electricity through her veins, starting directly beneath their hands and radiating outward in a thousand directions.
"I find myself thinking about you and losing track of time, forgetting what I'm doing. I miss turns when I'm driving. I forget to return telephone calls. It feels like I lose everything these days! I sit my keys down, or a bill, or a dry cleaning ticket… but I'm thinking about you, and later I have no idea where I put things! I found my keys in the freezer one day last week." Natalia laughed at her own preoccupation with her girlfriend. "Last night I completely ruined my chicken and rice casserole; I put it in the oven and sat down at the table to read a magazine while it cooked. I must have lost all track of time. I was flipping through the pages absentmindedly, I can't even tell you what the articles were about. I found myself thinking about the first time we were ever at the farmhouse together, when you brought the Xiaos and Larry Decker over for dinner. I made chicken and rice that night, too. I remembered being so happy that you were pleased with the way things turned out. It could have been a disaster!"
"You were amazing that night," Olivia added affectionately. "I have no idea what would have happened if you hadn't been there!"
Natalia felt familiar heat rising to her cheeks. She knew Olivia loved her, she knew Olivia was in love with her, and yet she still found herself acutely affected whenever the older woman complimented her or openly admired her. Olivia held her emotions close with so many people, afraid to be vulnerable and terrified of others seeing weakness in her. Natalia knew it was difficult for Olivia to admit that she had needed help.
"I wanted to help you, Olivia. I wanted you to know you could count on me."
"You wanted me to believe you were competent to do the job I told you I already knew you could do?" Olivia asked, her voice light and teasing.
Squeezing Olivia's hand in her own, Natalia repeated seriously, "No. I needed you to know you could count on me. Not just for things with The Beacon. But for anything you needed." Searching Olivia's eyes, she saw them soften as understanding passed between the two women.
"I went back there that night, to clean up, and you called. I laughed at the time, thinking it was silly that you had called to tease me. But last night, sitting at the table and flipping through the magazine, I realized why that night has always stood out so clearly in my memory."
"Why's that?" Olivia asked, the lower timbre of her voice causing reverberations in Natalia's heart. She wondered if Olivia knew the effect that her lower register had on her. Or whether Olivia even recognized how her voice changed and sounded so effortlessly seductive.
*To Be Continued in the following post*
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe, Reva Shayne, Colin O'Neill, Marina Cooper, Henry Cooper, and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! I sincerely apologize for the nearly two month delay since the last posting. I'm not expecting it to take so long between postings normally. So if you're still interested and reading the story, thank you.
A/N 2: Livejournal just indicated this is too long to post in one entry. So I'll split it into two and immediately post the second half after this first half. Sorry!
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part II] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part III] ) ( Chapter Seven [Part IV]) (Chapter Seven [Part V]) ( Chapter Seven [Part VI])
Chapter Seven (Part VII[a]) - Natalia Rivera
Natalia stepped closer to Olivia, settling herself back comfortably into the older woman's embrace. She snaked her arms around Olivia's pale neck, softly threaded her fingers through dark tresses and looked up into green eyes that were looking down at her.
She tried to decipher what Olivia was feeling by her eyes and her body language, but for once she wasn't able to adequately ascertain what her girlfriend was thinking. Natalia recognized that she had just covered a lot of territory regarding her thoughts about God and religion. Both were subjects she knew Olivia worried about in excess and struggled to understand at times. She hoped she had made her arguments and conclusions clear. She needed to know if Olivia accepted and understood the consequences and repercussions of her beliefs.
"Olivia?" She asked softly. "Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Olivia continued to gaze at her and Natalia felt her skin tingle under the careful scrutiny. "I think so," Olivia stated softly. "But it's going to take some getting used to."
"Well you asked for time… I told you I would give that to you," Natalia answered as she leaned closer to Olivia and then gently placed her head on Olivia's strong shoulder, breathing softly on her girlfriend's neck. "I'll give you all the time you need. But… Olivia?"
"Hm?"
"What is it that will take you getting used to?" Natalia believed she understood Olivia's reservations. If anything, tonight had been an epiphanous, eye-opening experience for her in regards to how Olivia had experienced both their former relationship and also her six weeks of solitude. She had learned things from Olivia that she never would have guessed. So instead of making assumptions about substantive thoughts swirling through the older woman's mind, Natalia wanted to be certain that she had clarity. It was only by knowing Olivia's reservations that Natalia could actively work at helping to guide her through them, past them, beyond them so they could be together in every sense of the word.
"It's just going to take time for me to have faith in your answers, Natalia." Olivia sighed and rubbed small circles upon her temple. "I believe that you feel this way today, right now, in this moment. And what you've said to me sounds convincing."
Natalia stood up straighter, a subconscious gesture of defiance against what was being insinuated. "I am convinced. I told you, I had to stay away until I was certain."
"I know, but… you've sounded certain to me before. You told me you didn't want to wait anymore. It wasn't me asking you not to wait, or pressuring you that day. Unsolicited, you told me you were ready for us to be together. And just a few days later you were gone. You sounded certain that day, Natalia. You told me that it didn't matter what everyone else thought, it didn't matter if they were okay with our relationship or not. And then you left." Olivia's voice was even, and she sounded resigned more than anything else to Natalia. Which was a step in the right direction, she believed. Earlier in the evening Olivia had gotten furious when she had talked about Natalia's disappearance, and following that she had gotten profoundly depressed.
Olivia's trail of emotional upheaval might be frightening to some, confusing to others, but Natalia believed she had an understanding of what might be going on in Olivia's head and her heart. And if she were right, then the resignation and acceptance she heard in Olivia's voice were good signs. Others might interpret the lack of emotion as indifference or apathy directed at the relationship. Natalia had always heard that hatred and anger were not the absence of love; indifference and apathy existed where love didn't. She once told Olivia she hated her, and she still believed in that moment it had been true. How surprised she had been to later find herself passionately and completely in love with the same woman she had once believed to be so cruel, so cold, and so unlovable. In honestly, the sensations felt very similar, the predominant difference being only valence. When she had truly hated Olivia, her body had tensed, her thoughts had raced, her heart rate skyrocketed, and body trembled whenever the older woman was around. It truly wasn't that different from what she was feeling in this very moment, standing so close to the woman she loved.
If one took this approach, then Olivia's indifference to the situation and their relationship would be troublesome. From that perspective, it would be better to have Olivia feel anger about Natalia's disappearance than to feel nothing about it. But that wasn't the way Natalia was choosing to look at the situation. In her eternal optimism, she was choosing to look at the situation from a different point of view.
When Natalia had first been forced to leave her home as a pregnant teenager, she had found solace in talking with other members of her church. They became a surrogate family in some ways. Obviously they were no replacement for the loss of her own mother and father, but she found a few kind individuals who had helped her when she needed it most. She had sadly lost touch with most of them over the years. A few years after Rafe was born, they had moved across town to an apartment with cheaper rent. Natalia had neither the time nor money to travel back across Chicago to attend that particular church. Working two or three jobs left little time for social outings or writing letters and one by one, her angels, as she had come to think of them, faded from her life.
Of all the people who helped Natalia, there was one individual who stood out in her mind as having the greatest impact on Natalia. She was perhaps the person who single-handedly ensured that Natalia survived those tough early years of parenthood, made tougher by her young age, her single status, and her lack of familial assistance. Mrs. Parsons was an elderly woman, a recent widow, and she treated Natalia as though she were a daughter or granddaughter. She'd check in on her at least twice a week and she often found odd jobs for Natalia to perform to earn a little extra money. After Rafe was born, there were a few occasions where Natalia found herself in a bind with work and childcare; Mrs. Parsons would watch Rafe for a few hours so Natalia could work.
She had been 6 months pregnant and living in the home for unwed mothers when she first met Mrs. Parsons. The kind woman approached her after mass, smiled brightly at her and congratulated her on her pregnancy. Natalia had balked; no one had congratulated her on her pregnancy. She had been chastised, demeaned, and lectured; never once was she told that her baby would be a blessing, a gift from God. She knew it was wrong to have a baby out of wedlock. Despite that unshakable belief, so fundamental to the teachings of the Church, she silently and somewhat ashamedly felt in her heart that the baby was a gift, a way to keep her connected to her precious Nicky. For someone else to see the baby as a blessing was an unexpected surprise for Natalia. She wasn't certain if the older woman was being serious or sarcastically condescending until they conversed further.
Mrs. Parsons began gently probing for details and quickly learned that Natalia's family had disowned her. When questioned further about her feelings and how she was coping, Natalia hadn't been able to verbalize her fears and emotions. She had spent the better part of the time since she had left just trying to make ends meet and prepare for the arrival of the baby; there had been no time to deal with her own emotional fallout.
Mrs. Parsons asked her to come to the church bereavement group the following Wednesday evening. Having lost her husband a few weeks prior, the elderly woman told Natalia she had been going regularly and talking with other individuals who were also grieving. The support and discussion was spiritual and insightful; Mrs . Parsons said she was slowly learning to accept the death of her long-time spouse. Natalia had been confused. She wasn't grieving the death of anyone, and she said so to Mrs. Parsons. "Oh, Natalia," the elderly woman had said, her voice frail but filled with gentle acceptance. "Of course you are grieving. The loss of any relationship causes the same heartbreak and pain, no matter how the relationship is lost… be it death, or a breakup, a friendship spoiled, or parents who cannot accept a child." Natalia felt unsure, but given how few people she had to turn to in her life at that time, she trusted Mrs. Parsons. She certainly didn't want to offend the woman who was providing so much comfort and kindness at a time when Natalia received very little. She agreed to attend the next meeting.
The church bereavement group was an incredibly enlightening experience for Natalia. Mrs. Parsons had been right; much of their discussions and lessons were focused on loss in general, and not simply the loss of a relationship partner through death. She had been especially fascinated when the session leader discussed the Kubler-Ross stage theory of grief. Originally intended to describe the process that individuals went through when learning of their own impending death, many people found that they went through similar stages when losing an individual in their life, either because of death or some other reason, such as in Natalia's circumstance.
And now, as Natalia watched the shifting emotions that Olivia displayed, she was again reminded of the five stages of grief that Olivia had likely been experiencing when Natalia escaped. Though the theory predicted that people would move in a linear fashion through the stages, Natalia believed from her own experiences that the stages were in constant flux. Perhaps people generally moved through the phases from start to finish, but in her own life she had often seen a lot of overlap between stages, experiencing different emotions at the same time. Other times she found herself fluctuating between phases… feeling depression one day only to find herself angry the next. She suspected from what she was learning about Olivia's experiences while she was away that Olivia too had shifted through the stages in a circuitous fashion.
In the theory, it is predicted that individuals will first confront denial about the loss. Olivia had indicated to her earlier in the evening that when Natalia had first left, Olivia tried to rationalize that it wasn't leaving. There simply had to be some other explanation. Olivia had believed there was only a misunderstanding; Natalia certainly wouldn't just leave with no word. Olivia had refused to believe that Natalia could just vanish, leaving her with no explanation, no rationale, and no promise of return.
The second step to coming to terms with the loss of someone is experiencing anger, and Olivia had certainly been angry with both Natalia and herself. Based on Natalia's conversations with both Olivia and others, coupled with her own intuition, she knew Olivia was furious with her for leaving, had tried to chase her down and nearly assaulted a nun at a Catholic retreat in the process. When Natalia had returned home, there had been shattered glass and debris on her porch - she knew immediately Olivia had been there, angry and searching for her.
Olivia carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, a trait that Natalia at times admired for the strength and fortitude it exhibited, and other times loathed because it burdened the woman she loved with far too much responsibility. Because she saw herself as being in control of the world around her, Olivia had mistakenly blamed herself for Natalia's disappearance. The hostility she must've felt radiating reflexively was the likely antecedent that eventually led her to revert to some of her most destructive behaviors - drinking too much alcohol, chasing men for meaningless sex, and blowing off work, parenting, or other responsibilities. Because grief and anger can both become so complicated they become seemingly impossible to escape, Olivia likely found herself trapped for a good deal of time in the anger phase of her processing. Knowing Olivia, and specifically knowing how desperately she tried to perfectly balance her strong will and her outrageous personality with the need to be careful and considerate and a mother, Natalia would've been willing to bet the farm that the angrier Olivia got for Natalia's departure, the more destructive she became; the more destructive she became, the more anger she felt toward herself for losing control. Natalia felt her heart clench in sympathy for the pain she caused her girlfriend, but also in shame for being so concerned with her own needs that she failed to recognize Olivia's.
The third stage generally encountered when working through one's grief over a loss is bargaining. And Olivia had also exhibited behaviors indicative of this stage. During a conversation in the days immediately following her return to Springfield, Olivia confessed that she had once gone to visit Gus's grave. She had stood and talked to him, asking him to bring Natalia back to her. She had promised that if only Natalia would return, she would do everything in her power to make the younger woman happy. She'd behave better. She'd stop pressuring Natalia to further their relationship.
Natalia hadn't told this particular piece of information to Olivia - she knew it would infuriate her - but Doris had approached her after her return to determine Natalia's intentions and also to make clear the effects of her abandonment. Natalia knew Olivia didn't want other people fighting her battles and she didn't want other people speaking for her. After tonight, hearing from Olivia exactly what her existence had been like in those six long weeks, Natalia understood that Doris had actually been quite reserved in her discussion. She had not expressed the extent to which Olivia was hurting; she had sugar-coated exactly how much damage Natalia had inflicted. During the brief discussion, the mayor revealed that she recalled clearly Olivia specifying that it wouldn't matter if she and Natalia went back to being just friends, or if she had to wait an indefinite amount of time for Natalia to be ready to progress with their relationship. Olivia simply wanted to be with Natalia, no matter what it meant giving up. For her to willingly surrender her own happiness, her own corporeal needs to merely have Natalia in her life, in any manner of relationship, spoke volumes to the extent to which Olivia was willing to sacrifice and bargain to bring Natalia back.
Depression is typically the fourth stage to be encountered during the healing and acceptance process. Even if Olivia hadn't told Natalia some of the pain and depression she had been suffering, she would've known just by looking at her. Olivia had always appeared radiant to Natalia. Her skin was bright, soft, and seemed to glow and shine. Now her flesh was sallow, pallid, and stark. It was as though the sun used to shine from within Olivia, but in the time since Natalia had left, the fire had burned out, leaving behind ashes and heavy smoke that left her skin dull. She was thinner than she had been in early July. Having already been toned and healthy, losing the weight made her appear gaunt in places. It was like her body was physically manifesting the hollowness in her heart, the void that resulted from her loneliness and confusion. Natalia could see the difference in Olivia's structure and frame despite the clothes that now hung a little too loosely upon her. Hip bones jutting too sharply below her waist, Natalia had actually felt them pressing into her when she and Olivia had embraced. Olivia's shoulders looked too tight, her clavicle showing too prominently. The difference was subtle but Natalia had recognized it immediately. After watching Olivia's body change and heal after the heart transplant, she came to recognize how to gauge her health through the way she appeared. So the weight loss was troubling; Olivia hadn't been eating properly, or possibly much at all. Her eyes were sunken, heavy shadows beneath them and a dullness that made Natalia's own swell with tears. Olivia's eyes were perhaps her most striking feature; so expressive, so vibrant, so vivid and entrancing. To see them lifeless, just as they had been after the surgery, told Natalia all she needed to know about Olivia's level of depression: the feeling may not have been as intense this time as it was the prior year, but Olivia had lost her will to survive.
The final stage of the grieving process was acceptance of the loss, and it was at this point that healing and understanding occurred. And Natalia believed, if one were truly able to process their experience of grief and embrace the place of healing at which they would arrive, there was also potential at this point for forgiveness. And it was for this reason that Natalia felt hope at Olivia's seeming apathy and resignation. Of course she'd rather Olivia rush into her arms, profess her undying love, and then bestow her with the most passionate, body igniting and soul uniting kiss either had ever experienced. In retrospect, she had naively believed that would be the case when she had originally reemerged in Springfield. She had forgotten the important lessons she had learned in the church support group nearly two decades prior: loss came in many forms, and for all intents and purposes, Olivia believed she had lost Natalia.
In the early part of Natalia's healing she believed she had lost her parents for good and would never be able to accept after they had treated her so carelessly. But as she reached acceptance, enlightened understanding, she came to realize that she would forgive them and welcome them back into her life if they presented her the opportunity. That condition was imperative for her; she refused to ask them to welcome her and her baby, their only grandchild, into their lives. They had made it clear they wanted her to leave. But if they made the first move, if they experienced God's unending love for all humans regardless of sins or failures and asked her to forgive them, she would without hesistation. For many years after Rafe was born she found herself daydreaming about a moment when her mother would step through the door at one of the restaurants where Natalia was serving. They'd make eye contact, rush to embrace, and then her mother would quietly apologize and tell her how much she had been missed all those years. Natalia imagined showing her Rafe's school photographs, as there had never been money for professional pictures, and in her mind her mother's dark eyes would fill, large tears falling silently from them, and they would hold tightly to one another indefinitely. She would not initiate contact, but if it were offered she would welcome it.
And this was her strategy with Olivia. If it really were the case that Olivia had come to a place of acceptance beyond the anger and the depression, then Natalia could eventually find forgiveness if she simply went about it the right way. Asking clearly for it. Being painfully honest with Olivia about her goals and fears and the conclusions she had reached while she was gone. She needed to accept that it would take time for Olivia to trust her once again. Natalia tried desperately to nurture her patience within while tamping down her growing desire to not only be with Olivia, but to also quickly rebuild their family before their baby arrived. She frowned slightly, sad dimples against her cheeks, at the thought that she may not get her wish before the baby would be born. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she immediately replaced it with the reminder that in their recent past, Olivia had suffered far greater disappointment and sadness. This time was dedicated to reassuring Olivia, listening to her, meeting her needs. She quickly replaced the frown and smiled at her girlfriend.
"I understand your fears, Olivia. I will be patient, but I will also be constant in my pursuit to win back your affection," Natalia stated candidly.
Olivia sighed and stepped back slightly, escaping Natalia's embrace. The chilly evening air felt harsh against Natalia where a void had been left by the lack of her beloved's warmth. Olivia must have felt the distance, too. Natalia watched as she quickly wrapped her arms across her body, her hands vigorously rubbing up and down her arms to create friction and heat.
"My affection has never been in question. It's my trust in you. And I'm willing to consider the possibility, but I can't just jump back into this with you. I told you I need time."
"I know." Natalia replied simply.
They stared at each other for a brief moment, eyes filled with intensity and promise and longing. Natalia desperately wanted to move back into Olivia's space but she feared that doing so would upset the delicate balancing act they were currently holding to so precariously. When the energy and expectancy between them became too potent, Natalia's spirit fell as she watched Olivia's eyes blink away the tension and then look away.
"So I guess it is time for your last question?" Olivia prompted after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.
Natalia smiled, leaning in toward Olivia, desperately hoping to engage her again, to break down the wall she saw Olivia hiding behind. "Hmmm," she wondered aloud. "One question left. What to ask?"
Olivia smiled, and to Natalia it seemed that she was trying too hard to act cool; beneath the surface Natalia could see fear and insecurity. "An easy question, maybe? So we can get out of here sometime tonight?"
Natalia shook her head. "What fun would that be?" she asked innocently.
"This is supposed to be fun?" Olivia redirected. Her voice sounded challenging, but she smiled as she asked the question.
"Well…," Natalia spoke softly but with conviction. She reached forward and held Olivia's left hand in her own right hand, their arms reaching and linking in front of their bodies but still keeping the distance between them. She swung their arms gently side-to-side, playful and flirtatious. "It was fun when we kissed a few minutes ago."
Olivia's quirked eyebrow caused Natalia to feel a visceral response. The simple movement of muscle left her tummy tingling and she shivered as a chill raced up her spine, through her neck, and finally settled in the base of her skull.
"I know," Olivia replied softly; she paused before continuing. "But I'm freezing my ass off out here in this dress!" Her tone was one of exasperation, but Natalia knew her girlfriend was simply either teasing her, or she was deflecting attention away from the gravity of their kiss. If Olivia were truly uncomfortable, she'd leave.
Remembering the way Olivia had responded earlier in the evening when she had openly flirted, Natalia decided to tease back. She peeked around Olivia, looking down, and said, "Your…" she paused, hesitant to curse but not wanting to sound childlike either - after all, she was proving to Olivia that she could be a sexual being, she could go toe-to-toe with Olivia in all ways. "Your ass looks great; you're fine," she said, and she felt fire burning beneath her cheeks. She hoped the pale strand of moonlight streaming through the side of the gazebo, flanked by a panorama of stars wouldn't provide enough light for the older woman to see the blush that was spreading from her cheeks down to her chest. Olivia gaped momentarily, regained her composure, and smirked at Natalia. Her malachite eyes slowly slid down her body only to retrace their path on the way back up. The smoldering and untamed look in her eyes, the way they instantly turned smokier, reminded Natalia that she felt hopelessly out of her league when it came to seduction. Her knees trembled weak under the weight of Olivia's appraising gaze.
Olivia squeezed Natalia's hand and quickly jerked her closer. Natalia was so caught off guard by the movement that she stumbled forward; her unconscious reaction was to brace for her fall so her hands flew up landed squarely on Olivia's upper chest. "You've been checking out my ass?" Olivia murmured as she dipped her head lower, closer to Natalia.
A soft unconscious moan rose in the back of Natalia's throat as she felt the warm heat of her girlfriend's breath tease over the sensitive flesh of her ear. The sensation was so simple and yet so sensual and intimate. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, trying to steady her breathing and focus her cognitive faculties. She wondered if Olivia was testing her again, gauging her ability to withstand the sexual tension and overt attention. If Natalia exhibited any outward sign of weakness, Olivia was likely to misattribute it to discomfort or anxiety. The truth was, Natalia's shallow breathing, her dilated pupils, her shifting and squirming as she stood so close to the woman she loved were not from fear or anxiety. They were the physical manifestations of the fire she felt burning through her veins, a deeply rooted desire to feel not just Olivia's breath on her ear, but her lips, and then her tongue, followed by her brilliantly white, perfectly shaped teeth. Control yourself, Natalia inwardly warned. You have to prove to her that you want her as much as she wants you.
With that, Natalia placed her free hand on Olivia's bare shoulder. With the lightest touch she could muster, she moved her fingertips over the curve and then down the outside of her slender arm. Over the tone of her bicep, then drifting over her elbow, down her forearm. When she reached Olivia's wrist, she teased over the delicate skin of her inner arm, moving upwards, over the sensitive spot on the inner angle of her elbow, and back up further. Upon reaching the top of her girlfriend's arm, she looked up and saw Olivia watching carefully, unmoving, bitinh at the corner of her lower lip.
Natalia's hand moved to Olivia's slim torso, grazing over the soft and stretchy fabric of the dress. She could feel the older woman's ribs, not protruding but distinctly apparent, and she once again winced at what her departure had done to Olivia. When she reached the contour of her hip her hand slipped behind Olivia and her flayed fingers pressed firmly into the small of Olivia's back, effectively bringing their hips closer. She could feel the heat of being so close to Olivia and yet was frustrated because her expanding belly prevented them from standing close enough in their current position to press her girlfriend against the spot in her body that ached most.
She both felt and heard Olivia's sigh as she pressed their bodies closer. Natalia tilted her own head upward and whispered softly against Olivia's ear, "I've been checking out all of you, love." She grinned when she felt the quivering beneath the hand that was resting on her girlfriend's back. "I love you," she added softly.
Olivia pulled back slightly so they were looking at one another. "I believe you," she answered. Natalia chewed the inside of her lip as she tried to make sense of the comment. The way they were standing, with the moon behind Olivia, she had a difficult time deciphering her facial expression in the darkness.
"I know you love me, too," Natalia added, hoping she sounded confident. It wasn't that she didn't believe it; she knew Olivia loved her. But after all they had been through, all the trials and obstacles and judgments, she worried that loving her may have become too much hassle for Olivia. What if Olivia thinks not loving me is easier than loving me?
"I do love you." The words were spoken softly; Natalia could feel their impact as her heart felt like it was bounding and skipping, her pulse quick and feeling as though it were difficult to breathe. It certainly wasn't the first time Olivia had ever told her that she loved her. It wasn't the most dramatic declaration, not the most sensitive, and not the most romantic. But so many times in the past when they had professed their love they had real or metaphorical distance between them.
Early in the relationship when Natalia was still experiencing heavy doubt and the burden of confusion and indecision, she certainly loved hearing Olivia say the words. They made her feel special and treasured by a woman she found to be so fascinating. But the words had also weighed oppressively on her soul as she contemplated what it meant to be loved by another woman; what it meant that she felt the same romantic love in return. Did it make her a bad person? How could she be a devout Catholic while experiencing such sinful thoughts and feelings? Her fears and religion were metaphysical barriers between them, creating a chasm that seemed insurmountable at times.
But even as their relationship developed and changed, there was often physical distance between them. Natalia, resulting likely from a combination of her emotional distance, relationship naiveté, and generalized introversion was wary to initiate physical contact with Olivia. She was hesitant and uncertain in her ability to be openly affectionate in general, not to even take into account the fact that Olivia was a woman-a very sexual woman at that. Natalia felt ill-equipped to compete with Olivia's former lovers. She felt unskilled in the art of flirtation and seduction. She felt terrified at the prospect of being cast away by God for knowingly and willingly engaging in sinful behavior.
They had never spoken openly about their physical distance, but she believed Olivia stayed just beyond arm's reach for fear of overwhelming Natalia. Olivia had little faith in her own innate ability to be good, to make the right decision, or to behave in a manner that took others into consideration; this fact both amused and saddened Natalia. Olivia seemed to have boundless faith in herself in so many aspects of her life, and she genuinely portrayed some of the kindest and most selfless actions of anyone Natalia had ever know. Her self sacrifice during the fiasco of Natalia's courtship with Frank had proven that. So how Olivia could ignore the better parts of her soul-her generosity, her morality, her benevolence, her honor-was so absurd that Natalia couldn't help but smile. But that lack of ability to see her higher qualities made Natalia wonder how deep Olivia's self-worth issues ran; how little she thought of herself when it came to matters of goodness and virtue.
This time, hearing Olivia tell her that she loved her was different because there was no longer distance between them. At least not in Natalia's mind. She knew Olivia still would need time to trust her again, but they were closer at this moment than they had ever been before. But it was more than that; it was the ability to feel the woman she loved in her arms, to feel the comfort of Olivia's embrace as the words were spoken. The simple four words, spoken so delicately on a breath Natalia felt softly dance across her ear felt forceful; they penetrated her soul in a way Olivia's prior professions of love had never before. It was a completely new and overpowering experience for Natalia to not just hear the words, but to feel them, to experience them with an additional sense. And touch could convey infinitely more affection and emotion than simple words could carry.
Natalia had invented their game of ten-questions on the spot; she truly hadn't thought through the content of her five questions. Now that she was down to her last question, many were vying for opportunity to be asked and she had been trying to quickly think through them as she and Olivia were speaking. But the moment she heard the words stated so sincerely by her girlfriend, the next question immediately presented in her mind.
"How do you know?"
Olivia's brow furrowed briefly and she cocked her head to a questioning angle. "How do I know what?"
Natalia tilted her head to be parallel to Olivia's and smiled. "How do you know you love me?"
Olivia frowned. "Do you doubt me?" She asked, her voice sounding a bit sharp, wounded.
"No!" Natalia answered quickly, wanting to desperately reassure her girlfriend that she was not questioning the presence of love. She smiled, eyes pleading with Olivia to understand what she was asking. "I just told you that I know you love me," she nodded as she spoke, looking for agreement from Olivia. When the older woman slowly nodded her head once, Natalia continued. "I want to know how you know you love me… What is it in you that tells you that you love-" she paused, hesitated, but barreled on because she knew Olivia had been the strong one for too long. "What is it in you that tells you you're in love with me?"
Olivia remained silent. Natalia wasn't certain whether Olivia didn't understand her question, if she was unwilling to answer, or if she were simply considering her answer. The darkness once again impeded her ability to see the subtle changes in Olivia's features that she had learned to so carefully notice to guide her interpretations of Olivia's thoughts or emotional states.
"I can start, if it helps. I can answer this question, too, with you." Natalia waited for an indication of agreement, and finally she saw her girlfriend's head nod. "Olivia Spencer, I know I love you because I haven't been happy in the farmhouse since you left. You know how much I love the farm. I wanted that home more than almost anything in the world. I'm a simple girl and I don't want much when it comes to material things. But that big house, with the big front porch and the acres of land and the pond? After years of living in tiny, shabby apartments, I wanted to give Rafe a permanent home. When we lived there together, you and me and Emma, it felt like I had made the best decision of my life. It was a risk, but the reward was more than I could ever imagine. We were a real family with a real home. And for a while, I thought it was because of the house and its charm, because of the animals and the kitchen and the front porch bench."
Olivia nodded, "It's a great house, Natalia. I knew you'd be happy that you bought it."
"No, you're missing the point. It's not the house, Olivia. It was you and Emma. It feels like all the life left the house with the two of you. It's colder there, even in the dead of summer. You and I, we could sit on the bench, talk for hours as we watched the sun set, or even rise after talking all night. When I sit out there now, it feels uncomfortable and the view seems drab."
Natalia angled their bodies so Olivia could gaze out the gazebo. She used one arm to sweep across the landscape before them. "All this beauty in the world, Olivia; but I can't see it unless you're by my side."
The gentle curve of a small smile played at the corner of Olivia's mouth, but it never took complete form; Olivia never acknowledged it. She continued to sweep her gaze across the park before them. Natalia decided to continue, hoping to strike a chord within her girlfriend.
"You know I love baking and cooking. The kitchen was one of the things I loved most about the house. But you and Emma are gone, and Rafe rarely comes around. When I cook it is only for me. I hate that. I end up eating the same thing night after night because I have too many leftovers. No one smiles because they like it. No one offers to help dry the dishes after dinner. I can't watch movies any more because I see our blanket and it's too sad for me to be there without you and Em. So, I know I love you because you are home to me, Olivia. No matter where we are or where we go, if you are with me then I am home and I am with my family."
Olivia's hand brushed against the side of Natalia's face; the younger woman held her breath as a soft hand gently tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear before softly cupping the side of her face. Natalia smiled, and she felt Olivia's thumb barely brushing over the hollow of her dimple.
"I see you as my family, too, Natalia," Olivia whispered, her voice thick and trembling. She cleared her throat before continuing. "I know I love you because when you left, I was heartbroken for myself, but furious for Emma. I had come to see us as a family and I felt like you abandoned our daughter."
Natalia flinched, her face wincing. There was no anger or sarcasm in Olivia's tone; she sounded genuinely sad that things had not worked out the way she had hoped. It amazed her that Olivia, a woman with a hellfire temper, known to shoot first and ask questions later, wasn't still furious with her for abandoning Emma.
Natalia hated the sound of that word, abandonment, but there truly was no other word that fit the situation. When she was a younger woman, she had harbored deep resentment toward Nicky for a long time for leaving her, vanishing with no trace, leaving behind a child he was unaware she was carrying. He never had a chance to know Rafe even existed in those days. He certainly had no chance of loving Rafe and knowing the joys of parenthood. All those years she had hurt, even in the presence of her continued devotion to him. Her leaving was so much worse because she did know all the joys that were Emma. She had immediately loved the little girl, even when she and Olivia could barely speak to one another in a civil fashion. And Emma had grown accustomed to having her second mommy. Rafe had never known love from a father, so while he might have longed for it as a child, he never could fully grasp what he was missing out on. But Emma had experienced unconditional love from her second mommy, had come to expect it, and suddenly the mommy was gone. For a child unfamliliar with ways of the heart; when mommy left, it also seemed mommy's love left. Natalia once again felt the familiar shame of her actions burning in her belly. I feared loving Olivia was shameful, and it turned out to be right… I thought leaving would be right, and in many ways it turned out to be shameful, she thought wryly. But she refused to dwell on those thoughts. She had caused extraordinary pain to her family, but she had also come back with resolve and determination to be the best partner, the best second mommy they could ever hope for.
Olivia ceased the movement of her thumb across Natalia's cheek and used the hand to gently guide Natalia's face upward so she was looking into Olivia's eyes. "I'm not telling you this to hurt you, Natalia. It hurt me because I wanted you to be Emma's other mother. For the first time, I wasn't scared to leave her with someone. I fell deeper in love with you every time I saw you taking care of her, laughing with her, telling her stories. Even though you didn't like me very much before or immediately after my surgery, you were always great with Em. And when we moved in you accepted her as your own child immediately, even if we didn't openly acknowledge it. She knew you were her other mommy. Do you know how rare that is, Natalia, for someone to so openly and easily accept essentially a step-child? I've spent the better part of several marriages fighting with mine! I never once questioned your motives with her. I have never doubted that you love her just as much as you love Rafe."
Natalia lifted her own hand and placed it softly over Olivia's, which was still cupping the side of her face. Despite the cool evening air, Olivia's pale skin felt warm. "I'm so sorry, love," she whispered. "I never wanted to hurt either of you. I just needed to find a way to work through all of the hurdles so we could be the family we both dreamed about."
Natalia watched as Olivia nodded almost imperceptibly. When Olivia said nothing, Natalia continued speaking. "I know I love you because I can't stop thinking about you. No matter what I'm doing, you're there in my mind."
Olivia smiled. "It's the same for me, you know. I feel like no matter what I'm doing, at least half of my attention is focused on thoughts of you."
Natalia twined her fingers through Olivia's and lowered their hands to her heart, hers atop her girlfriend's. The simple sensation of feeling Olivia's long fingers and soft palm against her, even through the cotton fabric of her button down blouse, sent electricity through her veins, starting directly beneath their hands and radiating outward in a thousand directions.
"I find myself thinking about you and losing track of time, forgetting what I'm doing. I miss turns when I'm driving. I forget to return telephone calls. It feels like I lose everything these days! I sit my keys down, or a bill, or a dry cleaning ticket… but I'm thinking about you, and later I have no idea where I put things! I found my keys in the freezer one day last week." Natalia laughed at her own preoccupation with her girlfriend. "Last night I completely ruined my chicken and rice casserole; I put it in the oven and sat down at the table to read a magazine while it cooked. I must have lost all track of time. I was flipping through the pages absentmindedly, I can't even tell you what the articles were about. I found myself thinking about the first time we were ever at the farmhouse together, when you brought the Xiaos and Larry Decker over for dinner. I made chicken and rice that night, too. I remembered being so happy that you were pleased with the way things turned out. It could have been a disaster!"
"You were amazing that night," Olivia added affectionately. "I have no idea what would have happened if you hadn't been there!"
Natalia felt familiar heat rising to her cheeks. She knew Olivia loved her, she knew Olivia was in love with her, and yet she still found herself acutely affected whenever the older woman complimented her or openly admired her. Olivia held her emotions close with so many people, afraid to be vulnerable and terrified of others seeing weakness in her. Natalia knew it was difficult for Olivia to admit that she had needed help.
"I wanted to help you, Olivia. I wanted you to know you could count on me."
"You wanted me to believe you were competent to do the job I told you I already knew you could do?" Olivia asked, her voice light and teasing.
Squeezing Olivia's hand in her own, Natalia repeated seriously, "No. I needed you to know you could count on me. Not just for things with The Beacon. But for anything you needed." Searching Olivia's eyes, she saw them soften as understanding passed between the two women.
"I went back there that night, to clean up, and you called. I laughed at the time, thinking it was silly that you had called to tease me. But last night, sitting at the table and flipping through the magazine, I realized why that night has always stood out so clearly in my memory."
"Why's that?" Olivia asked, the lower timbre of her voice causing reverberations in Natalia's heart. She wondered if Olivia knew the effect that her lower register had on her. Or whether Olivia even recognized how her voice changed and sounded so effortlessly seductive.
*To Be Continued in the following post*