Fic: I Know You Love Me, Chapter Seven (Part IV)
Title: I Know You Love Me
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! This is another part of Chapter Seven, which is quickly becoming the longest chapter in history. I apologize for any weird formatting or spacing - I was using multiple versions of word to write this and some of the formatting didn't seem to translate very well. And... did I really bring up Plato? Sorry, I'm a nerd of epic proportions.
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I]) ( Chapter Seven [Part II]) ( Chapter Seven [Part III])
Chapter Seven (Part IV) - Olivia Spencer
Olivia felt the familiar sting in her eyes as she envisioned a future, a happy ending. The simple dream, a simple family living a life full of love and laughter, work and play, casseroles and coffee, ducks and cows, two mommies and four beautiful children. In all her life Olivia had never wanted something so ordinary. Power, success, infamy, pride-none of those things mattered. People cowering in fear of her, men falling at her feet in adoration-it fed the ego but not the heart. She was embarrassed that it had taken her more than forty years to realize it.
But she understood now. The dream was being handed to her, gift-wrapped and picture perfect, but she wasn't brave enough to reach out and grab it. She was afraid it would be taken away again. She had never understood the saying that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Obviously that fucker had never been abandoned for six weeks with no word from his or her one true love. She couldn't live with having only a taste of the dream. She needed certainty, a promise, but those things only mattered if they came from a place of trust. And as much as her heart ached to, she still didn't trust Natalia not to flake out again.
Natalia was holding Olivia's hand against her expectant belly. She could no longer feel the baby moving beneath her skin; Natalia had to know that but she pressed Olivia's skin against her abdomen still. Olivia felt flushed. Her body was still reacting to Natalia's earlier comments about thinking of Olivia when she was with Frank. She felt the heat of Natalia's flesh even through the thin, cottony material of her skirt, and Olivia's mind drifted. She was so close to another source of heat, a place she had dreamed and fantasized of one day feeling; her hand literally trembled for want of moving lower on Natalia's body.
Her confusion was mounting rapidly. She needed time to think, to collect herself and make a plan. Because her mind was racing and thoughts were firing without provocation, she almost laughed to find herself thinking about Plato's Phaedrus and the myth of the charioteer. It seemed aptly fitting as her soul struggled to find balance between wisdom, justice, and appetite. There was still anger in her heart, though much less so after Natalia had explained some of her thoughts and motivations. But there is still the fact that you just don't leave someone for six weeks without one single word. No matter how confused you are, you don't vanish from your best friend, your partner. Olivia knew she could have helped Natalia through the difficult time. It stung that Natalia hadn't wanted her help. Olivia had spent so much time over the last year protecting Natalia, encouraging her, helping her to accomplish her goals. How could Natalia not trust her to continue to do all those things when she most needed the help? The part of Olivia's soul that pursued justice, honor, and pride, Plato's noble white horse, argued that there was no possibility she could ever forgive Natalia.
At complete odds with her feelings of anger, she also found herself hesitantly hopeful. Maybe the best thing to do would be to accept a truce, to start over as best as possible. They couldn't take away the past; you can never wipe the slate clean. But maybe they could try again. Begin as friends and allow Natalia to try to win back her trust. This seemed the prudent decision. She could still possibly have her happy ending, but it would take a long time to get there. And they might not get there at all. Could she really be only Natalia's friend? It might be prudent, but it could also be agonizing Hell. Olivia wasn't sure she could return to the place she had resided many months ago - in love but unable to give form and substance to that love. She didn't honestly believe she could ever be only Natalia's friend. And this was the wisdom driven part of her soul, Plato's charioteer, compelling Olivia to make wise and cautious decisions.
And then there was the impulsive, reckless, hedonistic side of her that was begging her to just let it go. To give up and give in and do whatever it took to make that dream, and her other dreams about Natalia, a reality. You take risks, Olivia. You always have. The fact that Olivia currently had her hand pressed intimately against Natalia's lower abdomen, with Natalia's own hand softly caressing it as she held it in place was just feeding the monster that controlled this aspect of her personality. In Olivia's soul this was Plato's dark horse, driven by appetite and unwilling to obey command.
I'm losing my mind here. I'm thinking about dead Greeks and horses and sex with Natalia. I can't think like this. I can't have my hands on her like this.
Olivia shifted, tried to pull her hand slowly away from Natalia's belly, desperately needing just a moment to catch her breath and calm her thoughts. But Natalia clasped her hand more tightly, and held it against her. Natalia looked at Olivia. "Please," she whispered. "I want to feel you. I want you to feel me and the baby. Just a little longer, please?"
And because Olivia had trouble denying anything to Natalia, she allowed her hand to once again be guided by Natalia. Only instead of pulling her hand back to the spot where it had been, Natalia guided it up, and then slowly under the elastic waist of her maternity skirt. She stopped when Olivia's hand was just inside, barely below her belly button. It wasn't near Natalia's sex, but Olivia felt her heart racing. This was the most intimately she had ever touched Natalia, and she was shocked that it was being initiated by the younger woman. She looked questioningly at her, and Natalia simply answered "The baby moved." And sure enough, under her fingertips, Olivia could feel the baby shifting and kicking once again.
"He or she is very active," Olivia observed.
Natalia smiled. "Not always. I think he or she likes you." Olivia returned the smile but then dropped her gaze back down to where her hand touching Natalia's soft skin. "I've been telling the baby about you. I know it loves you already. I think it knows it's you touching him or her right now."
"You…." Olivia tried to steady her voice. "You've been telling the baby about me?"
"Since the very first day I found out, Olivia."
She was speechless. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. I know you're still unsure. But Baby and I, we love you. And we're ready to be a family. I want him or her to know from the moment it was conceived, it has belonged to you, too." Natalia removed her hand from atop Olivia's, and Olivia didn't know whether she should leave hers upon Natalia's stomach or pull away. Her inability to stay focused with her hand touching Natalia's bare flesh made the eventual decision, and she slipped her hand up and away slowly. She stared at it curiously, wondering how it wasn't singed red after the heat she had felt when pressed against Natalia.
"Are you ready for your next question?" Natalia pulled Olivia back into the moment with her question.
"Yes," Olivia nodded.
"When did you know you were in love with me?"
Olivia considered the question. "When did I fall in love with you? Or when did I realize it?"
"When did you realize it?" Natalia clarified.
"Early February," Olivia answered quickly. It had taken no thought on her part. When it had happened, she had spent hours agonizing over what it meant and what she was going to do.
Natalia closed her eyes and leaned back against the wooden gazebo. She rested there quietly, and Olivia wasn't sure if it was her turn to ask another question or if Natalia was going to say something else. She watched her, waiting for some indication. She's so beautiful. Just watching her left Olivia's heart fluttering.
"Philip?" Natalia finally spoke.
"Hmm?" Olivia asked.
"Was it when Philip came back?"
"No," Olivia replied softly. "That was around Valentine's Day. I had already realized it by then."
"When did you know? How did you know?" Natalia encouraged.
"Well… I knew I was feeling things for you for a while, but I didn't know what they were. I thought it was just that we were close friends. Then Emma did her presentation… and I kissed you. It threw my world upside down. I suddenly was feeling all of these things, I was confused, and I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss." Olivia sighed. "I thought about it all the time."
Natalia furrowed her brow, apparently in thought. "But that was the middle of January."
"Yeah, well it took me a while to make sense of all of it. It wasn't until the day after Doris' press conference about Emma's project that I finally put all the pieces together."
"What happened? Why did you figure it out then?" Natalia asked.
Olivia looked down, feeling a little sheepish. "I went to her. I don't know if I ever told you that. I went to see Doris the next morning."
"You did?" Natalia questioned. "Why?"
"To defend you." Olivia looked at her, hoping she'd understand. "It didn't matter what was happening between us, or if we realized it or not. I knew you would rather die than have people think that about you. So I went to tell her to back off, to leave you out of it."
"It must have worked. She dropped the campaign after that."
"Yeah," Olivia agreed. "But while I was there, she started insinuating things about us being together. Making it into something salacious. So I went on a rant about how she had it all wrong, about what a wonderful person you are. And there I was, waxing poetic about how kind you were, how loving and thoughtful, how you made me and Emma so happy, how we were a loving family. And when I was finished, she was looking at me strangely, and she said basically that I had just spoken of you the way someone speaks of their lover. I told her we were just friends, and I left. But when I got out to my car, I sat there wondering. What did Emma see when she looked at us? What did other people see? Was there something there that neither of us wanted to acknowledge? And when I was trying to figure everything out, Frank called and told me you had found Emma. You were there for me again. You always knew exactly what I needed."
Natalia pulled Olivia closer to her. "Not always, I haven't. And I'm so sorry about that. But I will be everything you need from now on, if you let me."
Olivia smiled, not ready to answer that request yet. Instead she continued with her recollection. "We went to Towers that afternoon with Emma, remember? We ate ice cream, and those gossiping women were watching us. And I couldn't leave well enough alone. I knew…" Olivia paused. "I'm sorry for this, Natalia. I knew if I provoked them, you'd see me. And I was so confused, I thought maybe I just needed to see how you reacted to the idea of us being together. When you came up to stop me, and I wrapped my arm around you, it just felt so right. And then I kept going, I was telling those women all the wonderful things about you. It wasn't a lie, I realized. I wasn't saying those things to instigate a fight. I was honest. I told them," she choked a small sob, took a breath to compose herself. "I told them I had never been happier. And it was true. Up to that point in my life, I had never been happier."
Natalia reached over to stroke Olivia's cheek, her jaw-line. "It's okay, honey. I was mad, I know, but it is okay. I understand now why you did it." Natalia smiled at her. "My reaction didn't go over very well, did it?"
Olivia breathed out a joyless laugh. "No, not so much. We fought when we got home, and you asked me if I wanted people to believe we were a couple. And my heart was screaming 'Yes! Yes!' And I think that was the moment it all clicked for me. All the words I had spoken about you that day were true. How could I feel and think all those things and not be in love with you? It was the only answer that made any sense. But you were so worried about what people thought. And I couldn't help myself from crying. I was afraid you'd make me stop loving you. I was scared you'd ask me and Emma to leave, or you'd quit your job at The Beacon, and I wouldn't be able to spend all my time with you. It was too much for me to think about. Even if you didn't love me, I wanted to love you. It made me feel things I never knew imaginable. And even if you didn't want my love, I felt you deserved it. You deserved for someone to love you, adore you, take care of you. I told myself before if I ever fell in love again, I'd do everything right. I wanted to do right by you."
Natalia rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Olivia, stop," she sighed. "You don't have to earn my love. You don't have to take care of me. You don't have to be someone that you're not. I just want you."
Olivia didn't know how to respond. She was tired of saying hurtful things to Natalia. Bringing them up only left her more confused about what was happening between them, more unsure about what she should say or do. But she had literally just indicated she wanted to do the right thing, and being honest with Natalia was the right thing to do. "But Natalia," she started. "I did feel that way. I still sort of do."
Natalia pulled away and peered at Olivia. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I was just always so cautious with you. I didn't want to scare you away. I gave in to you as much as possible. I'm not saying I'm the devious, deceitful, man-eating woman I used to be. I'm not, and that is because of you. But the person I was after the wedding, up until you left, I don't think that was entirely me, either. I feel like I've lost sight of who I am. I don't know how to be me and still be a person you can love and feel comfortable with."
She watched as Natalia nodded slowly, her eyes sad. "I'm sorry Olivia. I am sorry I made you feel that way. I'm not scared anymore. I hope you believe me." Olivia felt Natalia reach once again for her hand, and watched as Natalia pulled it to her heart. "I love you Olivia Spencer. The real Olivia Spencer. All the good and all the bad. The sinner and the saint. The mother and the mogul and the mastermind. The friend and the enemy and the lover. You're passionate and you're stubborn and you throw tantrums like a petulant child at times; you don't clean up after yourself and yet you criticize how I clean. You're loyal and you're loving and you're beautiful. You're brilliant and corny, loud and gentle. And I love all of those things. There isn't one thing about you that I don't love."
Olivia's heart surrendered a little more, another piece flowing from her and into Natalia.
"I know you have no reason to believe me, because I left you. But maybe you could think of it as me getting that out of my system. I'm done running. So you can yell at me, and we can fight, and I'm not going to run. I've already done that. It didn't work. So I'll stay. You can be honest with me; you can tell me anything, and I'll stay. You can be silly and childish and funny, and I'll stay. You can be flirty and physical and seductive," Natalia tilted her head and her eyes flicked quickly over Olivia's body. Olivia felt her heart rate race in response. "And I'll stay. I'll gladly stay." She added with a smile. "I want to love all of you," she whispered. "I'm not going to leave you ever again."
Olivia slowly pulled her hand from Natalia's and rubbed her face, sighing. All of this was overwhelming. After the emotional upheaval she had been dredging through for the past two months, she just wasn't certain she could deal with all of this tonight. A few minutes ago, this game seemed genius to her. But doubt and fear had crept back into her psyche; she couldn't even pinpoint when it had happened. It felt that way with every emotional shift she experienced. This entire night was one huge fucking roller coaster, and she wasn't sure she wanted to ride anymore. Natalia must have noticed the shift in Olivia's demeanor.
"Hey, you."
Olivia glanced at her.
"Where'd you just go?"
"I don't know. I'm just so confused, Natalia. I want all of this to be real, but I don't want to put myself out there again, I don't want to put my heart on the line. It's still too fragile."
"No." Natalia stated firmly.
"What?" Olivia didn't remember asking a question.
"No, you are not confused. You are scared. There is a difference. You know what you want. You know what it will take to make it happen. You know that it is a risk, and you are scared of the risk." Natalia brushed her hand under Olivia's chin, forcing her to meet her gaze. "I'm doing all I know to do to make you less scared. To reassure you. But I can't do it all, Olivia. You have to have faith. I need you to have faith."
Olivia looked away. "I need time, Natalia." It was the only answer at this point that made any sense to her. She just needed time to think all of this through more carefully.
Natalia pouted briefly, sighed. "I told you I will do whatever it takes. If you need time, I will give you time, but that isn't what I want. I want us to be together, and soon. Before the baby arrives. We have a lot of lost time to make up for. And that isn't going to be easy once our baby arrives. We still have about three months now, we could use to get back on track, get you moved back in. But if you need time, then I will wait. You waited all that time for me. I can do that for you."
Natalia leaned against Olivia, and they sat that way for several long minutes. Olivia knew she should be taking the time to think, to make decisions. But she was just too tired, too exhausted. And it felt good just to be there, with Natalia, for a few minutes. Without all the drama and the fear and the pain. They had always been at their best when things were quiet and simple between them. Those fleeting moments of peace in an otherwise hectic and chaotic life.
"Natalia?"
"Yes?"
"I'm still wondering about this whole moving-into-the-farmhouse-being-a-family dream you've got going on here. What about Rafe?" Olivia asked quietly.
"What about him?"
Olivia shook her head, agitated. "I don't know! Have you talked to him much since you got home?"
"Yes, some. He's still staying with Frank so I don't see him all the time." Natalia looked sad and Olivia hated that her son was breaking her heart.
"What does he think about your pregnancy?"
"He was surprised, of course. We all were surprised." She hesitated. Olivia could tell she wasn't telling the whole story, so she simply waited for Natalia to continue. Finally, sighing, she did. "He thought it was a sign that I should marry Frank." She gave a hollow laugh before quickly continuing. "I told him it wasn't going to happen. He said he and the baby and I could finally have a real family with Frank. I told him you were my family. He brought up Gus, and I told him that I had made peace with Gus' death, because it meant you got to live."
Olivia's eyes widened. "You said what?"
Natalia smiled sadly. "Yeah, that didn't go over so well. But Olivia, I'm not going to lie to him to make him comfortable. I'm not going to give him false hope. Even if you never take me back, I'm not going to be with Frank for the sake of Rafe or this baby. So he got angry, and he left."
Olivia groaned. It seemed like every day Rafe became a larger hurdle for them to overcome, and she didn't know if they had enough strength to endure that kind of obstacle.
"Look, I'm not trying to tattle on Rafe here. I'm just not sure you understand the depth of his anger and hatred toward me. When you were gone he said things to me, horrible and hurtful things. Not only that it was my fault you left. He said I messed you up and confused you. I tried to be nice to him. I thought he might understand what I was going through without you. But he said some good had come out of your flight - it was hurting me. When you came back, he taunted me. He told me you were going to be with Frank and I should leave you alone."
Natalia looked horrified. She leaned in and hugged Olivia. "I'm so sorry. I knew he was angry but I never thought he'd be mean. I'm so sorry."
Olivia brushed her hands through Natalia's hair, trying to reassure her. "You shouldn't apologize for him Natalia. And honestly, I'm okay with it. He's not the first person to hate me," she said flippantly, but she knew Natalia would hear the uncertainty that colored the comment. Olivia did care what Rafe thought, because he had the power to keep Natalia away from her.
"But I thought I raised him better than that," Natalia softly cried.
"It's okay. I didn't tell you those things to upset you. You're a good mom, Natalia. You're a great mom. This isn't about how you raised him. This is about me. He can't stand me. He doesn't trust me."
She held Natalia close to her, dropped a hand to her back and grazed over her shoulders and neck. "But you need to know this, because I've told you before that a relationship between us will never work if we can't get Rafe to accept us. I would never want to choose between you and Emma. If you have to choose between me and Rafe, either you'll break my heart again, or you'll choose me and grow to resent me for ruining your relationship with your son. I can't deal with either of those outcomes."
"Let me deal with Rafe, okay? It will take time but I know I can make him understand."
Olivia shook her head. "You don't know how angry he is. He loathes me."
"But I love you," Natalia responded simply.
"I know, but you love your son, too. And we can't just be one big happy family. I've been through this before, Natalia. I know how this ends. Relationships do not work when the step kids hate me."
Natalia pulled away from Olivia's embrace, grabbed both of Olivia's hands with her own. "This can work; I know it can. You figure out what it will take for you to forgive me, and I will figure out what to do with Rafe."
Olivia sighed. The rational and caring side of her brain refused to put Natalia in that sort of position. The impulsive side screamed out, 'Fuck the ungrateful shithead!' But writing off Rafe was not the same as writing off Frank or those gossiping moms at Towers. He was Natalia's flesh, the most important person in her life for the past two decades.
"Rafe is my son, Olivia. I have given him 19 years of undivided attention and unwavering love. I have sacrificed and toiled and worried and slaved on his behalf. I have given him every ounce of my love and every minute of my time. I lost my family over him. I refused to date when he was growing up because I wanted him to have his real father. I sacrificed my happiness and fulfillment for his. I want him to be happy. But I want for us to be happy, too." Natalia's eyes sparkled with unshed tears in the darkness. Olivia searched her gaze, looking for fear or doubt or hesitation. But Natalia never glanced away; she didn't waver. "He is an adult, Olivia. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. Those are decisions he needs to make. I can't baby him anymore. I've lived the last 19 years for him. I need to live my life for me, too. And you, and Emma, and this baby, I want you to be in my life."
Olivia chewed on her lip nervously, trying to determine if it could work. "I don't want you to resent me for being the reason you lost your son."
Natalia pulled away, releasing what sounded like an angry laugh, something Olivia hadn't expected. "Don't you get it, Olivia? It goes both ways. If I give into him, I'm going to grow to resent him for making me lose you! The only choice is to have you both in my life. The only acceptable outcome is to do the right thing for both of you! And I'm trying to do that. Because then my conscience will be clear. I will have done what God wanted me to do for each of you. If one or both of you can't handle it, or won't accept it, that won't be my fault."
Olivia watched her, determination written on her face and her words certain and sure. "Sweetie, it doesn't work that way. You can't make both of us happy." She didn't understand how Natalia didn't see that making Rafe happy and making Olivia happy were mutually exclusive. There was no way she could accomplish both.
Natalia straightened her back. "I didn't say I could make both of you happy. I said I could do what God has asked me to do. God wants me to love you, Olivia. He made us for one another. He wants us to raise a family together, and he wants me to take care of you and Emma and the baby and Rafe, too. He has asked me to be steady in the face of adversity from you, until you accept me back into your life, and also from others who are too narrow-minded and judgmental to accept that our love is good and pure. He has asked me to hold you and assure you, to make your needs and wishes equal to my own. He has asked me to love you in a way no other person ever has. And if you let me, Olivia, I will. I promise." She leaned forward and embraced Olivia again. "God sent Emma to me that day in the hospital so I would save you. It set all of this into motion, Olivia. I got too caught up in what other people thought and living my life the way they expected or wanted me to. I got away from what was important - living my life the way God wants me to live. Living my life embracing love and taking care of the people I love. That is what God wants me to do."
"And what about Rafe? God wants you to destroy your son's life?" Olivia asked sarcastically. She wasn't trying to me intentionally mean, but she just couldn't understand what Natalia was thinking. There was no easy answer here.
"No, Olivia, of course He doesn't."
"Well, what, then? What did God tell you while you were off chit-chatting with Him for six weeks?" Her anger was rising again; she tried taking deep breaths, wanting to hear Natalia out but afraid of what she would say. Natalia's answers were making Olivia feel weak and needy and hopeful. It was still so risky. So in typical Olivia fashion, she resorted to anger to deflect her fear.
Natalia glared at her. "Go ahead and make fun of me. I know you don't believe, Olivia, but I do. Do you think I was just sitting there knitting socks for the baby for six weeks between baking cookies and playing euchre with the nuns?"
"I wouldn't fucking know, Natalia! It wasn't like you sent me a postcard keeping me up to date on your travels!"
Natalia's features softened. "I know. I'm sorry. But my point is, I used that time. I thought and I prayed and I talked to God. I had a lot to work through, Olivia, but I did it. I have answers now and I know what I'm supposed to do."
Olivia lowered her voice in response. "So what does God want for you and Rafe? And how in the world can it be compatible with us being together?"
"When I found out I was pregnant with Rafe, God told me that I had to keep the baby. I couldn't give him up for adoption. And God told me to be a good mother to him, to love him and teach him and provide for him. And I have been a good mother to him. I've made mistakes, but I've done a lot of things right, too. Rafe has made mistakes, terrible mistakes. He's made me angry and he's broken my heart. Josh… Daisy… Jeffrey… You. But I have forgiven him. He has disappointed me, and I have forgiven him. I did not write him off, I did not take my love away. I will not let him do that to me, either."
"I don't think it is that easy."
"Of course it isn't! None of this is easy. But it is worth it, Olivia. You know that. It isn't easy but it is possible. God told me what I needed to do for Rafe as a mother. My job as his mother is not to give in to him. It is not to make his life easy and comfortable at the expense of my own or other people's needs. To be a good mother, I need to love him unconditionally, even when he infuriates me. I need to teach him about the world, and about life, and about love." Olivia felt Natalia reaching for her hands once again. They stared at each other for a long time, Olivia holding her breath, afraid to break the moment. Afraid that if she blinked, this new, strong Natalia would be gone again, taking Olivia's hopes and dreams with her.
"I haven't always done the best job with those tasks, but I'm trying. To teach Rafe about the World… I need to show him that, as a child, it is okay to believe the world revolves around you. It should. But as an adult, it doesn't work that way. It means teaching him that sometimes you have to fight for the things that are important to you. If I gave in to him, he'd never learn that lesson. You need to fight for the people you love, for honesty, for dignity, and for fairness. I will not let Rafe take those things away from me. I need to show him that when someone pushes you around, sometimes you have to push back. I learned that from you."
Olivia smiled and nodded, encouraging Natalia to continue.
"To teach Rafe about Life means explaining to him that it doesn't always happen the way you expect it to. And it certainly doesn't always happen the way you want. I didn't want Nicky to leave me pregnant. I didn't want my family to disown me. I didn't want him to die so soon after we were married. I didn't want Rafe to go to prison. I never expected to live on a farm. I never expected to be anything more than a waitress. And God knows, I never expected to fall in love with you. But I've realized, and I want Rafe to understand, these were all part of God's plan for me. So how dare Rafe think he knows better than God what I need in my life? God has a plan for me, and it may not be a plan Rafe likes. He needs to learn that life doesn't always bend to his will. Teaching him about life also means teaching him about making mistakes and granting second chances. He has made mistakes and people have been kind enough to grace him with second chances. You were given a second chance at life when Gus died. You had all those relationships, but God gave you a second chance with me. You gave me a second chance after I made the mistake of agreeing to marry Frank. And I'm hoping you'll give me a second chance now, and forgive me for leaving you. In life, God never gives up on us. And I'll never give up on us. I'll never give up on Rafe."
Olivia felt herself trembling, she moved closer to Natalia. She really did think through all this. She didn't just leave to break my heart. She left to find answers, and I think she did.
"Teaching Rafe about Love means showing him that love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, flavors. There is no wrong way to love another human being. All love is good. It is my job to teach Rafe about unconditional love; the kind of love God feels for all of us. No matter how much a person angers you, or disappoints you, or hurts you… you still remain steady in your love for them. You never, ever take your love away. It is my job as his mother to teach him that all love is a gift. It should never cause a person shame, and it should never be hidden. Love, true love, is pure, it is virtuous, and it is beautiful. A gift like that needs to be expressed, it needs attention and consideration to grow. It shouldn't have to hide. I will never again hide my love for you from him; I won't hide it from anyone. Teaching him about love also means teaching him about a love so strong that you can sacrifice your own wants for the needs of another person. You did that for me, Olivia. I hope that one day Rafe will understand that even though he wants me to not be with you, he'll understand that I need to be with you. I hope he'll see that even if he doesn't agree with my choice, the noble thing to do is accept it because he loves me."
They sat silently, shoulder-to-shoulder, knee-to-knee, and Olivia lifted her arm to wrap around Natalia's shoulders, pulling her closer for warmth and comfort.
"What if he never understands, Natalia? What if he never gets there?" She asked softly, sounding scared.
"I hope that he will. I hope he'll see that you bring me happiness and fulfillment."
"But-"
"No 'but,' Olivia. I will love Rafe every single day for the rest of my life. I am prepared for the fact that he may never understand or accept my love for you. But it will be his loss, his missed opportunity at a family to love and cherish him. I will never give up hope, and I will never stop loving him. I will do everything in my power to make him understand. But if he doesn't… well, I'll take comfort in knowing that I tried, that I did my best to show him how real love enhances the lives of everyone it touches. But I can't make that decision for him. You were right - I can't keep coddling him. He is a grown man, and he'll see and believe what he wants."
Olivia thought carefully about what Natalia was saying. One of Olivia's biggest fears and insecurities came from feeling as though no one had ever really chosen her. No one had ever put her needs first. And yet, here was Natalia, essentially saying that she chose her relationship with Olivia, even if it could potentially cost her the relationship with her son. She blinked back tears.
"I can't ask you to do that. I can't let you lose your son."
Natalia smiled at her. "You're not asking me to do that. I told you, God asked me to do this. This is His plan for me. I trust in it. I believe Rafe will come around someday. But if he doesn't, I still will not lose him. He will always be my son, and I will always love him."
After a moment of silence, she added, "I will always love you, too."
Olivia leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on the top of Natalia's head as she felt her burrowing closer to her, pressing her body against the side of Olivia's. "I know. And I'll always love you, Natalia."
Olivia watched in bewilderment as Natalia continued to snuggle closer, wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist. She could feel her upper arm pressing against her breasts and her body reacted immediately. At first she held her breath, a habit she had acquired early in the relationship. She had always been so conscious of Natalia's fears, she refused to let her see the effect she often had on Olivia. But now, if this was going to work, Olivia refused to hide. And as she released her breath, a soft moan escaped with it. This only seemed to encourage Natalia, who then nuzzled into Olivia's neck.
"I love everything about you, Olivia."
Something about the tone of her voice, her emphasis was distinctly unlike Natalia. Or, well, unlike the Natalia who had left two months ago. But Olivia was coming to believe that the Natalia here in her arms was a very different woman than the one who had left her. Her comment sounded husky, laced with innuendo and meaning.
"Na-" her voice sounded high, so she cleared her throat. "Talia?" And now it sounded deep, thick with anticipation.
"Hmm?" Natalia answered into her neck.
"Whatcha doing?" Olivia purred. She tightened her embrace of the smaller woman.
Natalia didn't answer for a long moment, and Olivia couldn't help herself. She placed another kiss gently on the top of her head while she waited.
"You know…" Natalia's voice sounded far off, dreamy. "I've never had a nickname. My entire life. Always just Natalia."
"Oh?" Olivia asked.
"Mmm-hmm," Natalia answered, and Olivia could literally feel the vibrations from the humming against the slope of her neck where Natalia's head rested. "I like the way you said 'Talia.'" Her voice was deep, and sonorous, and it was having a profoundly intoxicating effect on Olivia. Her body was still reeling from imagining Natalia fantasizing and touching her belly so intimately, and hearing Natalia's voice like this, feeling her close proximity, it was heady and addictive and Olivia's pulse was racing through her body.
"Really?" Olivia murmured.
"I like it a lot." Even though Olivia couldn't see Natalia's face, she could feel her smiling.
It finally dawned on Olivia, and she couldn't believe it had taken her so long to figure it out. It was just so out of her realm of belief, of expected behavior from Natalia, it hadn't even crossed her mind. Natalia is flirting with me! And doing a damn fine job of it, too! Olivia wondered if Natalia could her racing heartbeat against her face where it was pressed into Olivia's neck, or if she could feel her shallow breaths where her arms were wrapped around her chest. Olivia could feel heat emanating from Natalia's body and it only enlivened her own in response.
She became aware of Natalia's hands, no longer draped loosely around her waist, but now splayed against the fabric of her dress, smoothing the silky fabric over her ribs, just below her breast. It felt incredible, cool fabric warmed by the friction from Natalia's hands. Olivia's hands responded, seemingly of their own volition. She pressed her fingertips against Natalia's upper back, over her shoulder blades, up to her neck and back down again. First she'd massage with firm fingertips, kneading skin through the crisp button-down shirt Natalia was wearing. Then she'd smooth over the same path, her palm flat, the movements subdued.
"Olivia? Can I ask my next question now?"
"Mmm-hmm," Olivia replied dreamily.
When Natalia spoke her voice still was still deep and soft and slow. "I used to catch you looking at me." She paused and Olivia's nerves began to snap in anxiety. "You'd be staring at me with this far off, glazed look in your eyes. You wouldn't even notice me looking back at you. I want to know what you were thinking about at those times."
Olivia physically felt her heart stop for a moment. Her hands stopped, mid-grasp and she held tightly to Natalia's shirt to help steady herself. She tried to sit perfectly still, to gather her wits. Her cheeks felt warm suddenly; she was blushing. She felt Natalia squeeze her more tightly. "Tell me, please. I want to know. I want to know exactly what you were imagining."
Oh.My.Fuck!
*To Be Continued*
.
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! This is another part of Chapter Seven, which is quickly becoming the longest chapter in history. I apologize for any weird formatting or spacing - I was using multiple versions of word to write this and some of the formatting didn't seem to translate very well. And... did I really bring up Plato? Sorry, I'm a nerd of epic proportions.
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I]) ( Chapter Seven [Part II]) ( Chapter Seven [Part III])
Chapter Seven (Part IV) - Olivia Spencer
Olivia felt the familiar sting in her eyes as she envisioned a future, a happy ending. The simple dream, a simple family living a life full of love and laughter, work and play, casseroles and coffee, ducks and cows, two mommies and four beautiful children. In all her life Olivia had never wanted something so ordinary. Power, success, infamy, pride-none of those things mattered. People cowering in fear of her, men falling at her feet in adoration-it fed the ego but not the heart. She was embarrassed that it had taken her more than forty years to realize it.
But she understood now. The dream was being handed to her, gift-wrapped and picture perfect, but she wasn't brave enough to reach out and grab it. She was afraid it would be taken away again. She had never understood the saying that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Obviously that fucker had never been abandoned for six weeks with no word from his or her one true love. She couldn't live with having only a taste of the dream. She needed certainty, a promise, but those things only mattered if they came from a place of trust. And as much as her heart ached to, she still didn't trust Natalia not to flake out again.
Natalia was holding Olivia's hand against her expectant belly. She could no longer feel the baby moving beneath her skin; Natalia had to know that but she pressed Olivia's skin against her abdomen still. Olivia felt flushed. Her body was still reacting to Natalia's earlier comments about thinking of Olivia when she was with Frank. She felt the heat of Natalia's flesh even through the thin, cottony material of her skirt, and Olivia's mind drifted. She was so close to another source of heat, a place she had dreamed and fantasized of one day feeling; her hand literally trembled for want of moving lower on Natalia's body.
Her confusion was mounting rapidly. She needed time to think, to collect herself and make a plan. Because her mind was racing and thoughts were firing without provocation, she almost laughed to find herself thinking about Plato's Phaedrus and the myth of the charioteer. It seemed aptly fitting as her soul struggled to find balance between wisdom, justice, and appetite. There was still anger in her heart, though much less so after Natalia had explained some of her thoughts and motivations. But there is still the fact that you just don't leave someone for six weeks without one single word. No matter how confused you are, you don't vanish from your best friend, your partner. Olivia knew she could have helped Natalia through the difficult time. It stung that Natalia hadn't wanted her help. Olivia had spent so much time over the last year protecting Natalia, encouraging her, helping her to accomplish her goals. How could Natalia not trust her to continue to do all those things when she most needed the help? The part of Olivia's soul that pursued justice, honor, and pride, Plato's noble white horse, argued that there was no possibility she could ever forgive Natalia.
At complete odds with her feelings of anger, she also found herself hesitantly hopeful. Maybe the best thing to do would be to accept a truce, to start over as best as possible. They couldn't take away the past; you can never wipe the slate clean. But maybe they could try again. Begin as friends and allow Natalia to try to win back her trust. This seemed the prudent decision. She could still possibly have her happy ending, but it would take a long time to get there. And they might not get there at all. Could she really be only Natalia's friend? It might be prudent, but it could also be agonizing Hell. Olivia wasn't sure she could return to the place she had resided many months ago - in love but unable to give form and substance to that love. She didn't honestly believe she could ever be only Natalia's friend. And this was the wisdom driven part of her soul, Plato's charioteer, compelling Olivia to make wise and cautious decisions.
And then there was the impulsive, reckless, hedonistic side of her that was begging her to just let it go. To give up and give in and do whatever it took to make that dream, and her other dreams about Natalia, a reality. You take risks, Olivia. You always have. The fact that Olivia currently had her hand pressed intimately against Natalia's lower abdomen, with Natalia's own hand softly caressing it as she held it in place was just feeding the monster that controlled this aspect of her personality. In Olivia's soul this was Plato's dark horse, driven by appetite and unwilling to obey command.
I'm losing my mind here. I'm thinking about dead Greeks and horses and sex with Natalia. I can't think like this. I can't have my hands on her like this.
Olivia shifted, tried to pull her hand slowly away from Natalia's belly, desperately needing just a moment to catch her breath and calm her thoughts. But Natalia clasped her hand more tightly, and held it against her. Natalia looked at Olivia. "Please," she whispered. "I want to feel you. I want you to feel me and the baby. Just a little longer, please?"
And because Olivia had trouble denying anything to Natalia, she allowed her hand to once again be guided by Natalia. Only instead of pulling her hand back to the spot where it had been, Natalia guided it up, and then slowly under the elastic waist of her maternity skirt. She stopped when Olivia's hand was just inside, barely below her belly button. It wasn't near Natalia's sex, but Olivia felt her heart racing. This was the most intimately she had ever touched Natalia, and she was shocked that it was being initiated by the younger woman. She looked questioningly at her, and Natalia simply answered "The baby moved." And sure enough, under her fingertips, Olivia could feel the baby shifting and kicking once again.
"He or she is very active," Olivia observed.
Natalia smiled. "Not always. I think he or she likes you." Olivia returned the smile but then dropped her gaze back down to where her hand touching Natalia's soft skin. "I've been telling the baby about you. I know it loves you already. I think it knows it's you touching him or her right now."
"You…." Olivia tried to steady her voice. "You've been telling the baby about me?"
"Since the very first day I found out, Olivia."
She was speechless. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. I know you're still unsure. But Baby and I, we love you. And we're ready to be a family. I want him or her to know from the moment it was conceived, it has belonged to you, too." Natalia removed her hand from atop Olivia's, and Olivia didn't know whether she should leave hers upon Natalia's stomach or pull away. Her inability to stay focused with her hand touching Natalia's bare flesh made the eventual decision, and she slipped her hand up and away slowly. She stared at it curiously, wondering how it wasn't singed red after the heat she had felt when pressed against Natalia.
"Are you ready for your next question?" Natalia pulled Olivia back into the moment with her question.
"Yes," Olivia nodded.
"When did you know you were in love with me?"
Olivia considered the question. "When did I fall in love with you? Or when did I realize it?"
"When did you realize it?" Natalia clarified.
"Early February," Olivia answered quickly. It had taken no thought on her part. When it had happened, she had spent hours agonizing over what it meant and what she was going to do.
Natalia closed her eyes and leaned back against the wooden gazebo. She rested there quietly, and Olivia wasn't sure if it was her turn to ask another question or if Natalia was going to say something else. She watched her, waiting for some indication. She's so beautiful. Just watching her left Olivia's heart fluttering.
"Philip?" Natalia finally spoke.
"Hmm?" Olivia asked.
"Was it when Philip came back?"
"No," Olivia replied softly. "That was around Valentine's Day. I had already realized it by then."
"When did you know? How did you know?" Natalia encouraged.
"Well… I knew I was feeling things for you for a while, but I didn't know what they were. I thought it was just that we were close friends. Then Emma did her presentation… and I kissed you. It threw my world upside down. I suddenly was feeling all of these things, I was confused, and I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss." Olivia sighed. "I thought about it all the time."
Natalia furrowed her brow, apparently in thought. "But that was the middle of January."
"Yeah, well it took me a while to make sense of all of it. It wasn't until the day after Doris' press conference about Emma's project that I finally put all the pieces together."
"What happened? Why did you figure it out then?" Natalia asked.
Olivia looked down, feeling a little sheepish. "I went to her. I don't know if I ever told you that. I went to see Doris the next morning."
"You did?" Natalia questioned. "Why?"
"To defend you." Olivia looked at her, hoping she'd understand. "It didn't matter what was happening between us, or if we realized it or not. I knew you would rather die than have people think that about you. So I went to tell her to back off, to leave you out of it."
"It must have worked. She dropped the campaign after that."
"Yeah," Olivia agreed. "But while I was there, she started insinuating things about us being together. Making it into something salacious. So I went on a rant about how she had it all wrong, about what a wonderful person you are. And there I was, waxing poetic about how kind you were, how loving and thoughtful, how you made me and Emma so happy, how we were a loving family. And when I was finished, she was looking at me strangely, and she said basically that I had just spoken of you the way someone speaks of their lover. I told her we were just friends, and I left. But when I got out to my car, I sat there wondering. What did Emma see when she looked at us? What did other people see? Was there something there that neither of us wanted to acknowledge? And when I was trying to figure everything out, Frank called and told me you had found Emma. You were there for me again. You always knew exactly what I needed."
Natalia pulled Olivia closer to her. "Not always, I haven't. And I'm so sorry about that. But I will be everything you need from now on, if you let me."
Olivia smiled, not ready to answer that request yet. Instead she continued with her recollection. "We went to Towers that afternoon with Emma, remember? We ate ice cream, and those gossiping women were watching us. And I couldn't leave well enough alone. I knew…" Olivia paused. "I'm sorry for this, Natalia. I knew if I provoked them, you'd see me. And I was so confused, I thought maybe I just needed to see how you reacted to the idea of us being together. When you came up to stop me, and I wrapped my arm around you, it just felt so right. And then I kept going, I was telling those women all the wonderful things about you. It wasn't a lie, I realized. I wasn't saying those things to instigate a fight. I was honest. I told them," she choked a small sob, took a breath to compose herself. "I told them I had never been happier. And it was true. Up to that point in my life, I had never been happier."
Natalia reached over to stroke Olivia's cheek, her jaw-line. "It's okay, honey. I was mad, I know, but it is okay. I understand now why you did it." Natalia smiled at her. "My reaction didn't go over very well, did it?"
Olivia breathed out a joyless laugh. "No, not so much. We fought when we got home, and you asked me if I wanted people to believe we were a couple. And my heart was screaming 'Yes! Yes!' And I think that was the moment it all clicked for me. All the words I had spoken about you that day were true. How could I feel and think all those things and not be in love with you? It was the only answer that made any sense. But you were so worried about what people thought. And I couldn't help myself from crying. I was afraid you'd make me stop loving you. I was scared you'd ask me and Emma to leave, or you'd quit your job at The Beacon, and I wouldn't be able to spend all my time with you. It was too much for me to think about. Even if you didn't love me, I wanted to love you. It made me feel things I never knew imaginable. And even if you didn't want my love, I felt you deserved it. You deserved for someone to love you, adore you, take care of you. I told myself before if I ever fell in love again, I'd do everything right. I wanted to do right by you."
Natalia rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Olivia, stop," she sighed. "You don't have to earn my love. You don't have to take care of me. You don't have to be someone that you're not. I just want you."
Olivia didn't know how to respond. She was tired of saying hurtful things to Natalia. Bringing them up only left her more confused about what was happening between them, more unsure about what she should say or do. But she had literally just indicated she wanted to do the right thing, and being honest with Natalia was the right thing to do. "But Natalia," she started. "I did feel that way. I still sort of do."
Natalia pulled away and peered at Olivia. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I was just always so cautious with you. I didn't want to scare you away. I gave in to you as much as possible. I'm not saying I'm the devious, deceitful, man-eating woman I used to be. I'm not, and that is because of you. But the person I was after the wedding, up until you left, I don't think that was entirely me, either. I feel like I've lost sight of who I am. I don't know how to be me and still be a person you can love and feel comfortable with."
She watched as Natalia nodded slowly, her eyes sad. "I'm sorry Olivia. I am sorry I made you feel that way. I'm not scared anymore. I hope you believe me." Olivia felt Natalia reach once again for her hand, and watched as Natalia pulled it to her heart. "I love you Olivia Spencer. The real Olivia Spencer. All the good and all the bad. The sinner and the saint. The mother and the mogul and the mastermind. The friend and the enemy and the lover. You're passionate and you're stubborn and you throw tantrums like a petulant child at times; you don't clean up after yourself and yet you criticize how I clean. You're loyal and you're loving and you're beautiful. You're brilliant and corny, loud and gentle. And I love all of those things. There isn't one thing about you that I don't love."
Olivia's heart surrendered a little more, another piece flowing from her and into Natalia.
"I know you have no reason to believe me, because I left you. But maybe you could think of it as me getting that out of my system. I'm done running. So you can yell at me, and we can fight, and I'm not going to run. I've already done that. It didn't work. So I'll stay. You can be honest with me; you can tell me anything, and I'll stay. You can be silly and childish and funny, and I'll stay. You can be flirty and physical and seductive," Natalia tilted her head and her eyes flicked quickly over Olivia's body. Olivia felt her heart rate race in response. "And I'll stay. I'll gladly stay." She added with a smile. "I want to love all of you," she whispered. "I'm not going to leave you ever again."
Olivia slowly pulled her hand from Natalia's and rubbed her face, sighing. All of this was overwhelming. After the emotional upheaval she had been dredging through for the past two months, she just wasn't certain she could deal with all of this tonight. A few minutes ago, this game seemed genius to her. But doubt and fear had crept back into her psyche; she couldn't even pinpoint when it had happened. It felt that way with every emotional shift she experienced. This entire night was one huge fucking roller coaster, and she wasn't sure she wanted to ride anymore. Natalia must have noticed the shift in Olivia's demeanor.
"Hey, you."
Olivia glanced at her.
"Where'd you just go?"
"I don't know. I'm just so confused, Natalia. I want all of this to be real, but I don't want to put myself out there again, I don't want to put my heart on the line. It's still too fragile."
"No." Natalia stated firmly.
"What?" Olivia didn't remember asking a question.
"No, you are not confused. You are scared. There is a difference. You know what you want. You know what it will take to make it happen. You know that it is a risk, and you are scared of the risk." Natalia brushed her hand under Olivia's chin, forcing her to meet her gaze. "I'm doing all I know to do to make you less scared. To reassure you. But I can't do it all, Olivia. You have to have faith. I need you to have faith."
Olivia looked away. "I need time, Natalia." It was the only answer at this point that made any sense to her. She just needed time to think all of this through more carefully.
Natalia pouted briefly, sighed. "I told you I will do whatever it takes. If you need time, I will give you time, but that isn't what I want. I want us to be together, and soon. Before the baby arrives. We have a lot of lost time to make up for. And that isn't going to be easy once our baby arrives. We still have about three months now, we could use to get back on track, get you moved back in. But if you need time, then I will wait. You waited all that time for me. I can do that for you."
Natalia leaned against Olivia, and they sat that way for several long minutes. Olivia knew she should be taking the time to think, to make decisions. But she was just too tired, too exhausted. And it felt good just to be there, with Natalia, for a few minutes. Without all the drama and the fear and the pain. They had always been at their best when things were quiet and simple between them. Those fleeting moments of peace in an otherwise hectic and chaotic life.
"Natalia?"
"Yes?"
"I'm still wondering about this whole moving-into-the-farmhouse-being-a-family dream you've got going on here. What about Rafe?" Olivia asked quietly.
"What about him?"
Olivia shook her head, agitated. "I don't know! Have you talked to him much since you got home?"
"Yes, some. He's still staying with Frank so I don't see him all the time." Natalia looked sad and Olivia hated that her son was breaking her heart.
"What does he think about your pregnancy?"
"He was surprised, of course. We all were surprised." She hesitated. Olivia could tell she wasn't telling the whole story, so she simply waited for Natalia to continue. Finally, sighing, she did. "He thought it was a sign that I should marry Frank." She gave a hollow laugh before quickly continuing. "I told him it wasn't going to happen. He said he and the baby and I could finally have a real family with Frank. I told him you were my family. He brought up Gus, and I told him that I had made peace with Gus' death, because it meant you got to live."
Olivia's eyes widened. "You said what?"
Natalia smiled sadly. "Yeah, that didn't go over so well. But Olivia, I'm not going to lie to him to make him comfortable. I'm not going to give him false hope. Even if you never take me back, I'm not going to be with Frank for the sake of Rafe or this baby. So he got angry, and he left."
Olivia groaned. It seemed like every day Rafe became a larger hurdle for them to overcome, and she didn't know if they had enough strength to endure that kind of obstacle.
"Look, I'm not trying to tattle on Rafe here. I'm just not sure you understand the depth of his anger and hatred toward me. When you were gone he said things to me, horrible and hurtful things. Not only that it was my fault you left. He said I messed you up and confused you. I tried to be nice to him. I thought he might understand what I was going through without you. But he said some good had come out of your flight - it was hurting me. When you came back, he taunted me. He told me you were going to be with Frank and I should leave you alone."
Natalia looked horrified. She leaned in and hugged Olivia. "I'm so sorry. I knew he was angry but I never thought he'd be mean. I'm so sorry."
Olivia brushed her hands through Natalia's hair, trying to reassure her. "You shouldn't apologize for him Natalia. And honestly, I'm okay with it. He's not the first person to hate me," she said flippantly, but she knew Natalia would hear the uncertainty that colored the comment. Olivia did care what Rafe thought, because he had the power to keep Natalia away from her.
"But I thought I raised him better than that," Natalia softly cried.
"It's okay. I didn't tell you those things to upset you. You're a good mom, Natalia. You're a great mom. This isn't about how you raised him. This is about me. He can't stand me. He doesn't trust me."
She held Natalia close to her, dropped a hand to her back and grazed over her shoulders and neck. "But you need to know this, because I've told you before that a relationship between us will never work if we can't get Rafe to accept us. I would never want to choose between you and Emma. If you have to choose between me and Rafe, either you'll break my heart again, or you'll choose me and grow to resent me for ruining your relationship with your son. I can't deal with either of those outcomes."
"Let me deal with Rafe, okay? It will take time but I know I can make him understand."
Olivia shook her head. "You don't know how angry he is. He loathes me."
"But I love you," Natalia responded simply.
"I know, but you love your son, too. And we can't just be one big happy family. I've been through this before, Natalia. I know how this ends. Relationships do not work when the step kids hate me."
Natalia pulled away from Olivia's embrace, grabbed both of Olivia's hands with her own. "This can work; I know it can. You figure out what it will take for you to forgive me, and I will figure out what to do with Rafe."
Olivia sighed. The rational and caring side of her brain refused to put Natalia in that sort of position. The impulsive side screamed out, 'Fuck the ungrateful shithead!' But writing off Rafe was not the same as writing off Frank or those gossiping moms at Towers. He was Natalia's flesh, the most important person in her life for the past two decades.
"Rafe is my son, Olivia. I have given him 19 years of undivided attention and unwavering love. I have sacrificed and toiled and worried and slaved on his behalf. I have given him every ounce of my love and every minute of my time. I lost my family over him. I refused to date when he was growing up because I wanted him to have his real father. I sacrificed my happiness and fulfillment for his. I want him to be happy. But I want for us to be happy, too." Natalia's eyes sparkled with unshed tears in the darkness. Olivia searched her gaze, looking for fear or doubt or hesitation. But Natalia never glanced away; she didn't waver. "He is an adult, Olivia. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. Those are decisions he needs to make. I can't baby him anymore. I've lived the last 19 years for him. I need to live my life for me, too. And you, and Emma, and this baby, I want you to be in my life."
Olivia chewed on her lip nervously, trying to determine if it could work. "I don't want you to resent me for being the reason you lost your son."
Natalia pulled away, releasing what sounded like an angry laugh, something Olivia hadn't expected. "Don't you get it, Olivia? It goes both ways. If I give into him, I'm going to grow to resent him for making me lose you! The only choice is to have you both in my life. The only acceptable outcome is to do the right thing for both of you! And I'm trying to do that. Because then my conscience will be clear. I will have done what God wanted me to do for each of you. If one or both of you can't handle it, or won't accept it, that won't be my fault."
Olivia watched her, determination written on her face and her words certain and sure. "Sweetie, it doesn't work that way. You can't make both of us happy." She didn't understand how Natalia didn't see that making Rafe happy and making Olivia happy were mutually exclusive. There was no way she could accomplish both.
Natalia straightened her back. "I didn't say I could make both of you happy. I said I could do what God has asked me to do. God wants me to love you, Olivia. He made us for one another. He wants us to raise a family together, and he wants me to take care of you and Emma and the baby and Rafe, too. He has asked me to be steady in the face of adversity from you, until you accept me back into your life, and also from others who are too narrow-minded and judgmental to accept that our love is good and pure. He has asked me to hold you and assure you, to make your needs and wishes equal to my own. He has asked me to love you in a way no other person ever has. And if you let me, Olivia, I will. I promise." She leaned forward and embraced Olivia again. "God sent Emma to me that day in the hospital so I would save you. It set all of this into motion, Olivia. I got too caught up in what other people thought and living my life the way they expected or wanted me to. I got away from what was important - living my life the way God wants me to live. Living my life embracing love and taking care of the people I love. That is what God wants me to do."
"And what about Rafe? God wants you to destroy your son's life?" Olivia asked sarcastically. She wasn't trying to me intentionally mean, but she just couldn't understand what Natalia was thinking. There was no easy answer here.
"No, Olivia, of course He doesn't."
"Well, what, then? What did God tell you while you were off chit-chatting with Him for six weeks?" Her anger was rising again; she tried taking deep breaths, wanting to hear Natalia out but afraid of what she would say. Natalia's answers were making Olivia feel weak and needy and hopeful. It was still so risky. So in typical Olivia fashion, she resorted to anger to deflect her fear.
Natalia glared at her. "Go ahead and make fun of me. I know you don't believe, Olivia, but I do. Do you think I was just sitting there knitting socks for the baby for six weeks between baking cookies and playing euchre with the nuns?"
"I wouldn't fucking know, Natalia! It wasn't like you sent me a postcard keeping me up to date on your travels!"
Natalia's features softened. "I know. I'm sorry. But my point is, I used that time. I thought and I prayed and I talked to God. I had a lot to work through, Olivia, but I did it. I have answers now and I know what I'm supposed to do."
Olivia lowered her voice in response. "So what does God want for you and Rafe? And how in the world can it be compatible with us being together?"
"When I found out I was pregnant with Rafe, God told me that I had to keep the baby. I couldn't give him up for adoption. And God told me to be a good mother to him, to love him and teach him and provide for him. And I have been a good mother to him. I've made mistakes, but I've done a lot of things right, too. Rafe has made mistakes, terrible mistakes. He's made me angry and he's broken my heart. Josh… Daisy… Jeffrey… You. But I have forgiven him. He has disappointed me, and I have forgiven him. I did not write him off, I did not take my love away. I will not let him do that to me, either."
"I don't think it is that easy."
"Of course it isn't! None of this is easy. But it is worth it, Olivia. You know that. It isn't easy but it is possible. God told me what I needed to do for Rafe as a mother. My job as his mother is not to give in to him. It is not to make his life easy and comfortable at the expense of my own or other people's needs. To be a good mother, I need to love him unconditionally, even when he infuriates me. I need to teach him about the world, and about life, and about love." Olivia felt Natalia reaching for her hands once again. They stared at each other for a long time, Olivia holding her breath, afraid to break the moment. Afraid that if she blinked, this new, strong Natalia would be gone again, taking Olivia's hopes and dreams with her.
"I haven't always done the best job with those tasks, but I'm trying. To teach Rafe about the World… I need to show him that, as a child, it is okay to believe the world revolves around you. It should. But as an adult, it doesn't work that way. It means teaching him that sometimes you have to fight for the things that are important to you. If I gave in to him, he'd never learn that lesson. You need to fight for the people you love, for honesty, for dignity, and for fairness. I will not let Rafe take those things away from me. I need to show him that when someone pushes you around, sometimes you have to push back. I learned that from you."
Olivia smiled and nodded, encouraging Natalia to continue.
"To teach Rafe about Life means explaining to him that it doesn't always happen the way you expect it to. And it certainly doesn't always happen the way you want. I didn't want Nicky to leave me pregnant. I didn't want my family to disown me. I didn't want him to die so soon after we were married. I didn't want Rafe to go to prison. I never expected to live on a farm. I never expected to be anything more than a waitress. And God knows, I never expected to fall in love with you. But I've realized, and I want Rafe to understand, these were all part of God's plan for me. So how dare Rafe think he knows better than God what I need in my life? God has a plan for me, and it may not be a plan Rafe likes. He needs to learn that life doesn't always bend to his will. Teaching him about life also means teaching him about making mistakes and granting second chances. He has made mistakes and people have been kind enough to grace him with second chances. You were given a second chance at life when Gus died. You had all those relationships, but God gave you a second chance with me. You gave me a second chance after I made the mistake of agreeing to marry Frank. And I'm hoping you'll give me a second chance now, and forgive me for leaving you. In life, God never gives up on us. And I'll never give up on us. I'll never give up on Rafe."
Olivia felt herself trembling, she moved closer to Natalia. She really did think through all this. She didn't just leave to break my heart. She left to find answers, and I think she did.
"Teaching Rafe about Love means showing him that love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, flavors. There is no wrong way to love another human being. All love is good. It is my job to teach Rafe about unconditional love; the kind of love God feels for all of us. No matter how much a person angers you, or disappoints you, or hurts you… you still remain steady in your love for them. You never, ever take your love away. It is my job as his mother to teach him that all love is a gift. It should never cause a person shame, and it should never be hidden. Love, true love, is pure, it is virtuous, and it is beautiful. A gift like that needs to be expressed, it needs attention and consideration to grow. It shouldn't have to hide. I will never again hide my love for you from him; I won't hide it from anyone. Teaching him about love also means teaching him about a love so strong that you can sacrifice your own wants for the needs of another person. You did that for me, Olivia. I hope that one day Rafe will understand that even though he wants me to not be with you, he'll understand that I need to be with you. I hope he'll see that even if he doesn't agree with my choice, the noble thing to do is accept it because he loves me."
They sat silently, shoulder-to-shoulder, knee-to-knee, and Olivia lifted her arm to wrap around Natalia's shoulders, pulling her closer for warmth and comfort.
"What if he never understands, Natalia? What if he never gets there?" She asked softly, sounding scared.
"I hope that he will. I hope he'll see that you bring me happiness and fulfillment."
"But-"
"No 'but,' Olivia. I will love Rafe every single day for the rest of my life. I am prepared for the fact that he may never understand or accept my love for you. But it will be his loss, his missed opportunity at a family to love and cherish him. I will never give up hope, and I will never stop loving him. I will do everything in my power to make him understand. But if he doesn't… well, I'll take comfort in knowing that I tried, that I did my best to show him how real love enhances the lives of everyone it touches. But I can't make that decision for him. You were right - I can't keep coddling him. He is a grown man, and he'll see and believe what he wants."
Olivia thought carefully about what Natalia was saying. One of Olivia's biggest fears and insecurities came from feeling as though no one had ever really chosen her. No one had ever put her needs first. And yet, here was Natalia, essentially saying that she chose her relationship with Olivia, even if it could potentially cost her the relationship with her son. She blinked back tears.
"I can't ask you to do that. I can't let you lose your son."
Natalia smiled at her. "You're not asking me to do that. I told you, God asked me to do this. This is His plan for me. I trust in it. I believe Rafe will come around someday. But if he doesn't, I still will not lose him. He will always be my son, and I will always love him."
After a moment of silence, she added, "I will always love you, too."
Olivia leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on the top of Natalia's head as she felt her burrowing closer to her, pressing her body against the side of Olivia's. "I know. And I'll always love you, Natalia."
Olivia watched in bewilderment as Natalia continued to snuggle closer, wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist. She could feel her upper arm pressing against her breasts and her body reacted immediately. At first she held her breath, a habit she had acquired early in the relationship. She had always been so conscious of Natalia's fears, she refused to let her see the effect she often had on Olivia. But now, if this was going to work, Olivia refused to hide. And as she released her breath, a soft moan escaped with it. This only seemed to encourage Natalia, who then nuzzled into Olivia's neck.
"I love everything about you, Olivia."
Something about the tone of her voice, her emphasis was distinctly unlike Natalia. Or, well, unlike the Natalia who had left two months ago. But Olivia was coming to believe that the Natalia here in her arms was a very different woman than the one who had left her. Her comment sounded husky, laced with innuendo and meaning.
"Na-" her voice sounded high, so she cleared her throat. "Talia?" And now it sounded deep, thick with anticipation.
"Hmm?" Natalia answered into her neck.
"Whatcha doing?" Olivia purred. She tightened her embrace of the smaller woman.
Natalia didn't answer for a long moment, and Olivia couldn't help herself. She placed another kiss gently on the top of her head while she waited.
"You know…" Natalia's voice sounded far off, dreamy. "I've never had a nickname. My entire life. Always just Natalia."
"Oh?" Olivia asked.
"Mmm-hmm," Natalia answered, and Olivia could literally feel the vibrations from the humming against the slope of her neck where Natalia's head rested. "I like the way you said 'Talia.'" Her voice was deep, and sonorous, and it was having a profoundly intoxicating effect on Olivia. Her body was still reeling from imagining Natalia fantasizing and touching her belly so intimately, and hearing Natalia's voice like this, feeling her close proximity, it was heady and addictive and Olivia's pulse was racing through her body.
"Really?" Olivia murmured.
"I like it a lot." Even though Olivia couldn't see Natalia's face, she could feel her smiling.
It finally dawned on Olivia, and she couldn't believe it had taken her so long to figure it out. It was just so out of her realm of belief, of expected behavior from Natalia, it hadn't even crossed her mind. Natalia is flirting with me! And doing a damn fine job of it, too! Olivia wondered if Natalia could her racing heartbeat against her face where it was pressed into Olivia's neck, or if she could feel her shallow breaths where her arms were wrapped around her chest. Olivia could feel heat emanating from Natalia's body and it only enlivened her own in response.
She became aware of Natalia's hands, no longer draped loosely around her waist, but now splayed against the fabric of her dress, smoothing the silky fabric over her ribs, just below her breast. It felt incredible, cool fabric warmed by the friction from Natalia's hands. Olivia's hands responded, seemingly of their own volition. She pressed her fingertips against Natalia's upper back, over her shoulder blades, up to her neck and back down again. First she'd massage with firm fingertips, kneading skin through the crisp button-down shirt Natalia was wearing. Then she'd smooth over the same path, her palm flat, the movements subdued.
"Olivia? Can I ask my next question now?"
"Mmm-hmm," Olivia replied dreamily.
When Natalia spoke her voice still was still deep and soft and slow. "I used to catch you looking at me." She paused and Olivia's nerves began to snap in anxiety. "You'd be staring at me with this far off, glazed look in your eyes. You wouldn't even notice me looking back at you. I want to know what you were thinking about at those times."
Olivia physically felt her heart stop for a moment. Her hands stopped, mid-grasp and she held tightly to Natalia's shirt to help steady herself. She tried to sit perfectly still, to gather her wits. Her cheeks felt warm suddenly; she was blushing. She felt Natalia squeeze her more tightly. "Tell me, please. I want to know. I want to know exactly what you were imagining."
Oh.My.Fuck!
*To Be Continued*
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