Fic: I Know You Love Me, Chapter Seven (Part III)
Title: I Know You Love Me
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! This is another part of Chapter Seven, which is quickly becoming the longest chapter in history. We've still got a ways to go.
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I]) ( Chapter Seven [Part II])
Chapter Seven (Part III) - Olivia Spencer
Natalia was not an assertive person - ever. She rolled with the punches, never getting angry, never saying what she wanted or needed from others. Olivia couldn't fathom how someone could be so meek, so complacent. There was a world for the taking if you knew what you wanted and were willing to pursue it. If Olivia hadn't loved her so much, she probably would have strangled her somewhere around the ninety-sixth 'What does this mean for us'/'I don't know' conversation they had endured over the previous months. It was infuriating. Natalia sat to the side of their relationship, watching the pretty scenery roll by while Olivia had to do all the driving, all the heavy lifting. If a change were going to happen, Olivia knew she would be the one who would need to initiate it, and then she'd have to deal with the fallout from freaking out poor, scared Natalia.
And Olivia had tried; she felt like her entire relationship with Natalia had been this elaborate dance where she'd try to get closer, try to lead them in a particular direction, only to have Natalia either stand completely still or race in the opposite direction. She was a persistent, determined woman. She knew people believed she was heartless, arrogant; they believed when Olivia Spencer wanted something, she just took it without consideration of who she might hurt or what rules she might break. What they didn't realize was that under that practiced, hardened façade, she was a scared woman with a very fragile ego. She was burdened with insecurity and doubt about her ability to both love and be loved. So after multiple failed attempts, Olivia was too tired, too hurt, too despondant to try to steer their relationship any longer. Natalia had denied her too many times. Her frail heart couldn't take another rejection from the woman she loved so completely.
It started even before Natalia's clusterfuck of a wedding day. Olivia had tried on multiple occasions to tell Natalia about her attraction and her growing feelings. And every time she got close to saying the words, she felt like Natalia had known where it was going and she stopped them. She'd change the subject, or she'd run off to Frank, or someone would interrupt them and the look of relief that would pass across her beautiful features would break Olivia's heart a little more. Natalia didn't want to know how Olivia felt. Once Olivia said it aloud, Natalia would have to deal with it. She was perfectly content with the holding pattern they were living. Best friends, roommates, two mommies. It didn't matter that they both felt more. These roles were familiar, they were comfortable, and Olivia realized that Natalia intended to keep it that way.
On the day of the almost-wedding, Olivia could no longer conceal her feelings. They were overflowing inside of her, and it literally felt like they would burst her heart if she didn't let them out. She decided to confess them to the dirt and ash and cold stone of the graveyard. If she could just verbalize them, give them substance and truth, perhaps she would finally find some relief. She could say them to souls that would never hear, never tell her secret. It would die there; and it felt sickeningly appropriate. But Natalia had shown up, finding Olivia sobbing, uttering gut-wrenching confessions to the ghost of a man she believed understood what it meant to be completely and totally enraptured with Natalia. But she knew that wasn't entirely true - Gus had never felt for Natalia what Olivia was feeling. Before his heart beat in her own chest, it had belonged to Harley. But more than that, Olivia felt quite certain no one in the world had ever felt the depth and degree of love, adoration, admiration she felt for the woman standing before her, radiant, the most beautiful bride the world had ever seen.
When Natalia pushed to know why Olivia was crying, she tried to resist. She tried to change the subject, she denied, she deflected. Anything to keep from burdening Natalia with her secret love, the love that would shame Natalia. But Natalia insisted, she stepped closer, she begged, and the dam finally broke as Olivia let out the tortured truth, half screaming and half sobbing. She put it out there, wondering what Natalia would do with it. She took the first step, told her that she could offer her a home, and a family; not as traditional and accepted as the one Frank could give her, but a home filled with love and honesty and respect. But Natalia didn't answer right away, and Olivia knew that was all the response she needed to know. Natalia tried to speak, crying 'Don't you know…,' but Olivia refused to let her finish. And Natalia accepted the command. That was her answer. She wasn't ready to accept Olivia's love. If Natalia wanted the same things Olivia did, she would have spoken up. She had never had a problem yelling over Olivia. If Natalia wanted to say the words, she would have. But she wasn't ready for the change yet. So Olivia took her hand, secretly wishing that as she dragged Natalia back to the church, Natalia would use the hand to drag Olivia back to her. She'd say the words, too, and they would hold one another and bask in the relief that finally came from being honest. But it didn't happen that way.
The next time Olivia had tried to move their relationship forward was the evening of their accidental date at Towers. Natalia had chosen to walk her to her door, and Olivia interpreted it that perhaps Natalia was ready to take the next step, to at least make progress on defining the nature of their relationship. So she invited her in for coffee. Had she hoped sex would ensue? Of course. She was dying to know what Natalia felt like pressed tightly against her, their bodies moving in unison. She craved the sight of Natalia letting go, losing control, gasping for breath as her body shuddered beneath Olivia. Her hands twitched as she tried to restrain them, desperately wanting to feel her curves and the thrum of her heartbeat under her fingertips. But she never believed it would happen that night. She honestly was only hoping Natalia would come in and they could talk, perhaps share a kiss. Anything to move beyond the limbo and confusion that came with trying to 'be together;' and whatever that meant. Being two friends in love with each other but not doing anything about it; they had been doing that for months. And it was too hard--she couldn't stand loving Natalia without being able to express that love. She just needed some indication that they were on the same page, both wanting to move in the same direction. But Natalia had declined the invitation inside. Olivia put herself out there and Natalia refused.
So Olivia waited. Her next attempt came the weekend of their spa trip. They had decided to take the short vacation together so they would have time to think, time to figure out what they meant to one another and where they were going. Olivia expected that they would do those things, that at the end of the weekend she would finally have some answers. She had been blindsided when Natalia indicated that she wasn't even certain that they were together. Were she and Natalia really on such different planets when it came to their relationship? Olivia was already all-in; she had given her heart completely. She thought she had made that clear before they left Springfield when she told her she needed to know if Natalia could handle being together. At the spa, Natalia hesitated, fumbled over some words while Olivia became increasingly frustrated. All she wanted was a simple confirmation that they were moving in the same direction. So she pleaded with Natalia that they not leave one another questioning, putting their lives on hold for something that might or might not happen. Natalia had told her they would figure it out. Olivia waited, but she certainly didn't feel like she had figured anything out.
And this cyclical pattern repeated itself, time and time again over the next few months. When she returned from San Francisco, she tried again. She wanted to move back to the farm house. Natalia said no, she wasn't ready for that yet. Olivia tried to be patient. When Natalia told her they needed to find the right time and place to tell Rafe, she had asked Natalia for a timeline. Maybe if they had a plan, if there were an end to the waiting in sight, Olivia would be better able to deal with the agonizing uncertainty. Natalia simply said she had no idea when the right time or where the right place would be to tell Rafe. And then she changed the subject. The next attempt came when Olivia and Emma visited Natalia and Rafe at the farm house a few days after he was released from the halfway house. Emma had colored a picture of the farm house, labeling it 'Home.' Olivia thought Rafe might have an easier time adjusting if he were surrounded by more family, more people to care for him and look out for him. Natalia simply replied, "Not yet." Olivia told her it didn't have to be that day; she just wanted to know that someday it was coming. But Natalia never answered because they had been interrupted by Emma. Later, when she told Natalia she needed to stop coddling Rafe because he was no longer a baby and his attitude was affecting their relationship, Natalia got angry. Olivia tried to be honest, telling her that she hated waiting. Natalia turned it on Olivia, making her feel guilty for thinking of herself over Natalia's son. Every single time Olivia tried to generate movement, Natalia's inertia overpowered her.
Even Olivia's attempts to slow their relationship were actually efforts to move the relationship forward. She started to think maybe she had been putting too much pressure on Natalia. Maybe she hadn't been clear enough - she didn't expect to jump immediately into all the aspects of a romantic relationship. She hoped they would come, but all she really wanted was some form of development. Anything to show that they were making progress. So she went to the farmhouse one afternoon and handed the metaphorical keys to Natalia. She would let Natalia drive for a while. Perhaps giving over control would spur Natalia into acting instead of reacting all the time. She believed, she hoped, Natalia would then be willing to take small steps. Natalia could decide when change would happen, how much change would happen, without pressure or influence from Olivia. So Olivia told her she'd wait. And wait she did. But Natalia did nothing.
A few weeks later, she tried again. Perhaps the thought of sex was so overwhelming to Natalia that she was too terrified to move at all toward it. Maybe she still felt it was a sin. Maybe she was unable to move forward because she didn't realize that there were a lot of places on the relationship spectrum that fell between "two best friends in love with one another" and "two partners having sex." It seemed plausible. Olivia didn't know everything about her relationship with Gus, but she knew Natalia was only sixteen when she gave birth to Rafe. They obviously hadn't waited too long to get sexual. And the same had happened with Frank. For the most part, Natalia and Frank had been friends who had recently started to very casually date, and then suddenly she had slept with him. Olivia wanted to make it clear that there were places they could go, things they could do and be to one another, that didn't necessarily require sex. So Olivia took it off the table. She offered herself in any fashion Natalia would have her. If they were only two friends who loved each other more than anything, it would be enough. But she had to know if they were at least that to one another. Because she still felt like she was living in an unknown space, wondering if they would ever be together, and what together would look like if they ever did get there. She really had resigned herself to being okay with just being Natalia's best friend who loved her. She just wanted to know, to have definition, and to stop having to hide from the world. She was honestly surprised when Natalia indicated that she wanted a full relationship - certainly none of her actions to date had indicated that. But before they could come to any conclusions, before Olivia was able to get answers, Rafe had discovered them, and everything went to Hell.
She finally thought she had made progress when Natalia agreed to go to the Bauer barbeque with her. It wasn't a commitment, it wasn't moving back in, it wasn't physical intimacy, it wasn't even a kiss - but it was an acknowledgement that they were, indeed, together. Olivia had been thrilled, literally glowing from her joy. They could finally be together without hiding. They were finally making progress. And then… Olivia couldn't even think about the utter devastation she had felt when she realized Natalia wasn't coming. They weren't together. Natalia's actions had made it abundantly clear that she was not ready to be with Olivia. And Natalia hadn't even had the nerve to tell Olivia herself.
So for months, Olivia had been dealing with Natalia's seeming inability to know what to say. She never had answers, only more hesitations, questions, stalling tactics. But now… Now Natalia seemed to know exactly what to say. She words she spoke from her heart were piercing into Olivia's own. They were words Olivia had ached to hear for months. They sounded like an intricate symphony, the most perfect melody ever to grace Olivia's aural senses. They were the answers to every prayer she had made, every star she had wished upon.
And, God, she wanted to believe her. She wanted to believe that the words were true, that Natalia was ready. But given Olivia's history with tumultuous relationships, she knew that words could be promises, but more often than not, they were simply words. Promises unkept, dreams unfulfilled. She had believed others, before Natalia, and it had never worked. She had believed Natalia months ago, and she had left her. Why would this time be any different? Because I'm different now. Because she is different now. Because our love is different. Because she is my soul mate.
She found herself leaning into Natalia's embrace, giving the smallest piece of herself back to Natalia as she softly whispered, "I want that, too." She felt Natalia squeeze her tighter and then nuzzle her face into Olivia's neck. She felt her warm tears falling on her bare clavicle as Natalia's hand roamed over the curve of Olivia's back.
Olivia could physically feel her body giving in, her heart shifting as she wondered if they really could work things out. She didn't trust Natalia any longer, and that would be essential if they were to ever make this work again. She needed to believe that Natalia was committed, needed to know she was willing to withstand whatever Rafe or Frank or the world would throw at them. It had to be all or nothing.
But she couldn't just grace Natalia with trust any easier than she could turn off her love for her. Natalia would need to earn it. And for that to happen, Olivia was going to have to swallow her fear, roll the dice and risk her heart. She would have to give Natalia a chance to earn her trust again. The thought of opening herself up for tragedy again was terrifying. But Natalia had been right. Life apart from one another was worse than anything she could have ever imagined. Olivia Spencer was a woman who had knocked on death's door, ready to barge through. She knew the fear that came from knowing you were a few shallow breaths from death. She honestly believed the thought of trying to live without Natalia in her life was harder, scarier, than fighting off death. The risk was great; she hadn't been kidding when she told Natalia that she wouldn't survive if it happened again. She honestly didn't think she could put her heart, her body though it again. But the potential reward would be greater than anything Olivia had ever experienced, more than she had ever dared to dream for.
Olivia pressed her eyes closed, trying to clear her mind. It was racing with the possibilities and Olivia decided she was getting ahead of herself. There were still questions she wanted to ask, answers she needed to hear from her ex. She had originally been reluctant to play along with Natalia's game. But the longer they sat there, huddled near one another on a wooden bench inside the gazebo, the more they discussed things and finally said the things that needed to be said, she was growing to appreciate the brilliance of the game. Natalia had known where this would go. Olivia had never given Natalia a chance to explain herself. She had been too angry, too hurt, too volatile. But Natalia started out the game by reminding Olivia of the good times, the potential they had, the joy they could offer to one another. She had spent entirely too much time lately focusing on her feelings of abandonment, thinking about all the places they had gone wrong in their relationship. When she had pushed too much. When Natalia had waffled too much. All the times one of them chose to not say what she really meant. When they took the easy route, pretending that nothing was wrong, instead of risking the hurt that would come from honestly opening up, explaining their interpretation of events and their emotional reactions to those events. Their relationship became a precarious balancing act, trying to maintain closeness without complete honesty, trying to create intimacy without vulnerability. How did she ever think they could survive that way?
So Natalia laid the groundwork for reconciliation. She reminded Olivia of how good things could be. She had known, Olivia was certain, that doing so would force the issue for Olivia. She wouldn't be able to resist, and she'd ask the questions she needed answers to. And Natalia would finally have the opportunity to explain herself.
Damn. She's a genius. Olivia smiled.
She pulled back from Natalia's embrace and they looked at each other carefully, eyes wide in the moonlight. Olivia tried to gauge what Natalia was thinking; she suspected that Natalia was doing the same. Olivia had confessed she still wanted all the things she had dreamed of with Natalia. She felt incredibly exposed, but it also felt liberating. She had denied her feelings and her desires for so long, it was the same sweet relief she felt after her graveyard confession.
"I guess it is my turn to ask a question now?" Olivia asked.
Natalia nodded. "Yep. Ask me anything."
Olivia thought carefully about what she should ask next. There were so many questions she had thought of while Natalia was away. She had so often thought through what she would say when she saw her again. Many of those she had already had the opportunity to say tonight; the words she had composed in anger and self-pity. And saying those hadn't had the same liberating effect as her recent confession had. It was just the opposite. She knew Natalia needed to know what Olivia had endured during her absence, but she hated that she hurt Natalia in the process of telling her. It was her natural reaction to protect Natalia, to take care of her. Doing so made her feel strong, and needed. It had been one of the few ways she had been able to show her love in a way that didn't scare Natalia away.
She thought about the first question she had asked. Natalia had made a very compelling argument in response to it, and perhaps what surprised Olivia most was that, after contemplating it for the previous few minutes, she completely believed Natalia's answer. There was a time, very recently, that she vowed to never believe another word Natalia ever said to her. But there had been thought and honesty in Natalia's response. She didn't say yes just because it was easy or because she wanted Olivia to forgive her. Knowing Natalia, knowing her grace and her kindness, her generosity and her altruistic nature, Olivia knew that Natalia would forgive her completely if the tables were turned. That was who she was, innately good and benevolent. The problem, of course, was that Olivia wasn't all of those things. Wanting to forgive and having the capacity to forgive were very different things. Olivia wasn't sure if she wanted to forgive Natalia, but even if she did, she wasn't sure that she actually could do it.
But that was too much to think through right now, so instead she focused on coming up with her next question. Given they had just recently discussed living as a family and their hopes for the future, one seemed especially pertinent.
"So, hypothetically speaking, if we were to make this work, and I'm not saying at all that I am ready for that, what would be my role in your baby's life? Could we even be a family?"
Natalia pouted. "I thought you just said that you wanted that? You wanted us to be a family and have all those things we talked about."
Olivia sighed in frustration. Sometimes she's a genius; sometimes she's about as sharp as a marble. She tried to remain patient. "I do want that, Natalia. I just don't know if I can have it."
"I told you, I want all of those things, too."
Olivia hung her head, rubbed her temples again as her headache started creeping back. "I know. I heard you."
Natalia didn't answer; she sat quietly looking at Olivia.
"OK, look, can we not debate semantics here? Can't you just answer the question? I've answered yours without being difficult," Olivia sighed.
Natalia laughed. "Olivia, you're always difficult." She paused, chewed her lip a moment. "It is one of the things I love about you."
But Olivia's patience was beginning to wear thin. She was cold, she was exhausted, and she hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning, having bolted out of Towers before her dinner arrived. She had been put through a gauntlet of emotions tonight and she knew they weren't even close to being finished yet. She looked seriously at Natalia, hoping to convey that this wasn't the time for joking. This was an important issue and she needed to know how they could make it as a family with such vague and distorted roles - could Natalia be Emma's other Mommy if Olivia wasn't this baby's other Mommy? Would the baby be Emma's brother or sister? Was it Natalia's baby, Natalia and Frank's baby, or would it be their baby? And Frank, God knows he could put up a fight and make things terribly complicated. Olivia didn't want that for Natalia. And she didn't want it for herself. She deserved for life to just go smoothly for a little while. She had earned it. So she simply frowned at Natalia and waited.
"Look, Olivia, I know this isn't a joke. I will honestly tell you that I will do whatever it takes to include you in our baby's - not my baby, ours - life."
Olivia cleared her throat. "Honestly, Natalia, how can you even say that? You know Frank is going to want to raise the baby with you. I'm pretty sure he'd marry you tonight if you'd let him. It can't possibly be our baby because it is your and Frank's baby. There isn't room for me." She looked away, not wanting Natalia to see the hurt she felt. She honestly had spent time in the past thinking about the two of them expanding their family. She wanted to take care of Natalia, go to Lamaze classes, decorate a nursery, and watch the woman she loved bring a baby into the world that belonged to the two of them, an immortal reminder of the love they shared. It made her stomach clench in a mix of anger, jealousy and disgust to know that Frank had been the one to share that with her. The child would be their legacy, tying them together forever, showing the world that Frank Cooper had been granted permission to touch Natalia, to love her, in a way Olivia never had.
She felt Natalia reach for her hand and she pulled it into her lap. She didn't answer, though, until Olivia finally had the nerve to face her once again.
"I will always consider this baby to be ours. Everything about this baby is a direct result of the love I felt for you. I am so ashamed that I ran away from you, and to Frank, all those months ago. But I was scared. I was starting to realize that I had fallen for you, and I was terrified. And it isn't noble or right, but I used him, hoping I would feel something for him. Hoping I would feel the things I felt for you."
"I'm not sure that makes me feel any better." She knew she sounded sarcastic, but did Natalia honestly believe that hearing that she had slept with Frank to try and get rid of her feelings for Olivia would make her more accepting of it? That it would make her feel like the baby's mommy? All it did was remind Olivia that Natalia considered their love to be wrong, a sin, unacceptable in God's eyes.
"I know it doesn't, love, but I'm not finished. I tried and tried to focus on what was happening, on what I should have been feeling for Frank. But all I felt for him was pity that Coop had died. And then, once things started to happen, I felt horrible, disgusted and angry at myself. I knew it wasn't right. I didn't love him but I didn't know how to stop it. So I closed my eyes, and I thought of you. I don't think I opened them again until long after he had," she crinkled her nose, and it was so cute Olivia almost kissed her. "Until long after he had… uh… finished." Natalia blushed.
The realization hit Olivia once she had recovered from the adorableness that was Natalia. "Wait…" she shook her head, making sure she had heard clearly. "You thought of me… during?"
Natalia nodded, and though she was still blushing, she never broke eye contact.
Olivia's protective nature told her not to ask, not to make Natalia even more uncomfortable, but her curiosity got the better of her. She had to know. "As in, like, you imagined us taking Emma to the park or watching a movie? Or you thought, thought about me? Like, instead of Frank?"
Natalia took a deep breath, squeezed Olivia's hand. "Instead of Frank," she answered simply. "I imagined it was you who was loving me. It was the only way I could get through it. So in my mind, Olivia, this is our baby. My love for you led to the events that brought this child into being. And I cried afterwards. I had to eventually open my eyes, and it wasn't you and I was heartbroken. Even though I knew when it was happening it wasn't you. I knew you'd feel different." She paused, looked carefully at Olivia. "I knew you'd feel right. So I rushed home, because all I could think about was you, and how you always knew how to make me feel better. It wasn't fair to you, to ask you to comfort me after I had done that. But you were the only person who could make me feel better again."
Olivia sat silently, trying to compose the myriad emotions that were coursing quickly through her veins. Natalia wasn't the saint Olivia often teased her about being, but she had still assumed that Natalia would be the kind of woman who would politely accept sex, very vanilla sex, but never venture into the realm of anything more exciting than that. To hear that she had fantasized about Olivia touching her that way --- Olivia's body responded to the thought, her muscles clenching and her nipples tightening, brushing against the soft satin of her bra. Natalia fantasizes… I wonder what she thought about… I wonder what else she does. She closed her eyes and willed herself to stay in control.
Natalia stroked her hand to get her attention. "This isn't easy for me to say Olivia, but I need to say it and you need to hear it. I rushed home and I waited for you. I sat at our dining room table, praying for guidance and strength. I asked forgiveness for hurting you, and for hurting Frank. And as I was praying, you came home. And you looked so beautiful, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was the day of Coop's memorial; your hair was pulled back with a few tendrils falling along the side of your face, and your make-up so soft. You had on long black pants and a soft black sweater, and you looked like an angel, like the answer to all the prayers I had been reciting. And you sat down next to me and apologized for the things you said at the memorial. You asked me if we could have dinner, and I said I had to leave. I couldn't take it. I couldn't look at you right then because all I saw were the visions I had of you earlier, with Frank. And they had been so beautiful, I was afraid of what I would do if I had to sit there with you and think about those things. I was so confused. And I felt guilty."
"Because thinking of me that way is a sin? Isn't that what you said? The Bible says thinking something makes you just as guilty as doing it?"
Natalia nodded softly. "Yes, that was part of the reason, but not the only reason. You said earlier tonight you felt guilty when I fell asleep on you, and you held me. That was how I felt after I had thought of you that way. I worried that thinking of you that way--it seemed like something all the men in town would do - fantasize about Olivia but not be there for her, not take care of her. They hurt you, and when I slept with Frank, I hurt you. It made me no better than them. And I wanted to be better. I wanted, and still want, to be your best friend. And I feared that thinking of you that way was going to be dangerous for our friendship. How could I ever look at you again and not have those thoughts fill my mind?"
"Natalia," Olivia couldn't decide to laugh at her naïveté or cry at the thought of her being so filled with angst following her coupling with Frank. "You don't need to feel guilty about that."
"But I do. I was no better than all the others."
"Look, sweetie." Olivia squeezed her hand, and then turned it over in one of her own, tracing feather-light touches across her palm with the barest brush of her fingertips. She then carefully folded in Natalia's thumb and her last two fingers, leaving just her index and middle finger straight. She lifted them to her neck, placing them under her jaw, just below her ear. And she waited for Natalia to realize what she was trying to tell her.
Natalia stared at her hand for a long moment before finally flicking her eyes up to Olivia's. "Your heart is racing. Are you okay? What's wrong?"
Olivia pulled her hand away again, and softly replied, "Nothing is wrong. That is what happens to me when I imagine you fantasizing about me. So trust me when I tell you that you need not feel guilty on my behalf. You might still feel guilty that it was a sin to think it, but I honestly don't mind that you thought of me that way. It's…" she cleared her throat, wondering if she was going to send Natalia running off scared again. Fuck it. I'm not hiding who I am from her anymore. If she wants me, it has to be all of me, the good, the bad, and the very, very naughty. If she wants back in, she has to be all in. "It's hot, Natalia. It's really fucking hot." She smirked, raising an eyebrow suggestively. "And it's only fair, because you've played a starring role in more than one of my own fantasies."
She watched carefully; she wasn't just teasing Natalia. This was a test. She expected to feel Natalia's posture stiffen; it was something she did when she was uncomfortable. She expected Natalia to divert her gaze, to move back from Olivia, to stutter through some incoherent thought. She half expected Natalia to spew righteous indignation at the audacity of Olivia envisioning her that way. What Olivia did not expect was for Natalia to slowly smile, but there it was, illuminating the night.
"Really?"
Olivia choked out a laugh. "Yeah, really. I told you - it's been two long years, honey."
Natalia leaned closer, whispering. "Am I good?"
Olivia blanched, blood rushing from her face to an entirely different part of her body. What the fuck had happened to her innocent, chaste ex-girlfriend? She gulped for air, trying to soothe her burning nerves, her ragingly vivid imagination. If she didn't change the direction of this conversation quickly, she worried she'd lose control, fall to her knees as she shoved Natalia's skirt over her hips and take her right there in the gazebo, in the middle of Olivia Spencer Memorial Park.
Olivia forced a laugh, trying to break the thick, expectant tension. She cleared her throat and hoped her voice sounded remotely normal. "You know, we've sort of gotten away here from the question, haven't we?"
Natalia pulled back; probably not the response she was looking for from Olivia. But Olivia wasn't ready to give in yet, and that would be exactly what would happen if they continued down that path. She'd give in to her body's wishes, making a decision that she'd later regret. If she were going to give herself to Natalia, she wanted it to be perfect, a decision made with trust and respect for one another. She didn't know if they'd ever get there. But she knew that right now was not the time; there was still too much for them to work through.
"I guess we have. We were talking about the baby, right?"
"Yeah. How can we be a family with all this craziness?"
"Olivia, you know that I want to be with you, and I am willing to let you determine when and how much you want to be involved. In an ideal world, my wish is that you and I would raise the baby together, as ours. Just as we did with Emma when you were living with me. He or she would know you were their mother just as much as I am. I'd want you to be involved in everything. But I know that might be too much for you. So if you are willing to be in this baby's life, we will love you in whatever capacity you can give."
Olivia caught herself before she rolled her eyes. "Don't you think that is a little simplistic? What are you going to do about Frank? You know he wants a part in this baby's life."
"I know." She frowned, furrowed her brow. "But I have told him that I want to raise the baby with you. He can be involved; I won't keep his child away from him. But he will not be a daily parent. He will have input, but all decisions will eventually come down to me and you."
"Do you really think Frank is going to be okay with you raising this baby in a house where we're living together? That he's just going to think it is dandy that his child has two mommies?"
"I. Don't. Care." Natalia said emphatically, shaking her head. "Frank can choose to be involved as much or as little as he wants. He cannot choose who I spend my life with. He cannot choose who I love. If he wants to be a good father, he'll eventually realize that having three loving parents can in no way be worse than having only two. And if he tries to create trouble, I can make problems for him, too. I am the mother, and he and I are not married. I'm willing to fight for this. I don't know much about child custody law, but I'll find someone who does. He will not keep me from you, and he will not keep us from loving and raising this baby. I will fight with everything I have. I may not fight often, but I will when it is important to me. I kept you alive when you wanted to die, Olivia. Frank can't be half as difficult and infuriating as you were." She smiled at Olivia. "I hope it doesn't come to that, but I will do whatever is necessary. You are worth it. Our baby is worth it."
Olivia's defenses were melting, she could literally feel defeat washing over her body. Once again, Natalia said all the right things, she had not wavered. It was clear to Olivia that Natalia had thought through the situation. She was firm in her decision. She really didn't care what Frank thought about them. And that was a world of difference from the woman who had left Olivia two months prior. "You really mean that, don't you?" Olivia asked incredulously.
"I do. I don't care what he thinks anymore. I only care what you think."
Olivia nodded slowly. "So I guess it is your turn again, right? What number are we up to?"
"Five," she answered. "Halfway there."
"Good, cause I'm freezing here."
Natalia leaned closer to her. "Do you want to go somewhere else to continue this?"
Olivia considered the option, but quickly realized she didn't want to leave. She wasn't ready to go back to the farmhouse with Natalia, and she didn't want to bring her to The Beacon, either. They could go to a bar to talk, but it would be difficult with the noise and the crowds of people. And she worried if they left, if they took a break in their game, she'd lose her nerve to continue. Her heart would shut down again and they'd be right back to where they had started the evening. They were making progress. They were moving. Olivia didn't know exactly where they were going yet, but she knew already they were in a very different place than they had been all the months they were 'together.'
"No, I think we should stay here."
"I'll just have to warm you up then." Olivia felt Natalia's arm wrap around her shoulder, pull her closer. And she noticed that Natalia was warm. Very warm.
"Mmm… you're burning up - why am I so cold?"
Natalia laughed. "You've heard the term 'bun in the oven,' right? That makes me the oven. This little one keeps me roasting most of the time."
Olivia smiled at her, and unconsciously patted her belly before quickly pulling her hand away. "Oh! I'm sorry. God, I hated when people did that to me when I was pregnant with Emma. Why do complete strangers think it is perfectly okay to touch a pregnant woman's belly?"
She felt Natalia squeeze her tighter. "You're hardly a complete stranger. I told you, you are this child's mother, too, if you want to be. That gives you a free pass to touch any time you'd like."
Olivia couldn't help herself, despite her fears and her insecurities, despite her anger and her doubt, she beamed, a magnificent smile. And she gently placed her hand on the top of Natalia's rounded belly. Natalia gently laid hers atop Olivia's, and then guided it down further, below her belly button. Olivia watched with a mixture of fascination, trepidation, and excitement. Oh fuck. This is not sexual! This is about a baby! Focus, Spencer, focus! Then Natalia tugged to the side a little, and pressed Olivia's hand firmly against her. And beneath her palm, she felt the familiar fluttering she hadn't experienced since she was pregnant with Emma. She looked up from their joined hands, into Natalia's eyes. "That's amazing. It's so beautiful." She felt a tear fall from her eye. In this moment, she felt tied to the baby, and already she loved him or her. Natalia responded by smiling, and squeezing her hand a little more tightly.
Olivia closed her eyes, a thousand images racing across her imagination. The most prominent featured her and Natalia sitting close on the bench that adorned the farmhouse porch, laughing as they watched a little girl, about 3 years old with long dark hair, enormous and expressive eyes, running through the lush grass, chasing after her older sister, laughing and yelling "Emma! Emma!" And then Emma letting her little sister catch her, falling to the ground, tickling one another as Olivia and Natalia cuddled closer and laughed at their daughters' antics. A perfect family.
If only…
Author: mysticaldream
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express! This is another part of Chapter Seven, which is quickly becoming the longest chapter in history. We've still got a ways to go.
( Chapter One) ( Chapter Two) ( Chapter Three) ( Chapter Four) ( Chapter Five) ( Chapter Six) ( Chapter Seven [Part I]) ( Chapter Seven [Part II])
Chapter Seven (Part III) - Olivia Spencer
Natalia was not an assertive person - ever. She rolled with the punches, never getting angry, never saying what she wanted or needed from others. Olivia couldn't fathom how someone could be so meek, so complacent. There was a world for the taking if you knew what you wanted and were willing to pursue it. If Olivia hadn't loved her so much, she probably would have strangled her somewhere around the ninety-sixth 'What does this mean for us'/'I don't know' conversation they had endured over the previous months. It was infuriating. Natalia sat to the side of their relationship, watching the pretty scenery roll by while Olivia had to do all the driving, all the heavy lifting. If a change were going to happen, Olivia knew she would be the one who would need to initiate it, and then she'd have to deal with the fallout from freaking out poor, scared Natalia.
And Olivia had tried; she felt like her entire relationship with Natalia had been this elaborate dance where she'd try to get closer, try to lead them in a particular direction, only to have Natalia either stand completely still or race in the opposite direction. She was a persistent, determined woman. She knew people believed she was heartless, arrogant; they believed when Olivia Spencer wanted something, she just took it without consideration of who she might hurt or what rules she might break. What they didn't realize was that under that practiced, hardened façade, she was a scared woman with a very fragile ego. She was burdened with insecurity and doubt about her ability to both love and be loved. So after multiple failed attempts, Olivia was too tired, too hurt, too despondant to try to steer their relationship any longer. Natalia had denied her too many times. Her frail heart couldn't take another rejection from the woman she loved so completely.
It started even before Natalia's clusterfuck of a wedding day. Olivia had tried on multiple occasions to tell Natalia about her attraction and her growing feelings. And every time she got close to saying the words, she felt like Natalia had known where it was going and she stopped them. She'd change the subject, or she'd run off to Frank, or someone would interrupt them and the look of relief that would pass across her beautiful features would break Olivia's heart a little more. Natalia didn't want to know how Olivia felt. Once Olivia said it aloud, Natalia would have to deal with it. She was perfectly content with the holding pattern they were living. Best friends, roommates, two mommies. It didn't matter that they both felt more. These roles were familiar, they were comfortable, and Olivia realized that Natalia intended to keep it that way.
On the day of the almost-wedding, Olivia could no longer conceal her feelings. They were overflowing inside of her, and it literally felt like they would burst her heart if she didn't let them out. She decided to confess them to the dirt and ash and cold stone of the graveyard. If she could just verbalize them, give them substance and truth, perhaps she would finally find some relief. She could say them to souls that would never hear, never tell her secret. It would die there; and it felt sickeningly appropriate. But Natalia had shown up, finding Olivia sobbing, uttering gut-wrenching confessions to the ghost of a man she believed understood what it meant to be completely and totally enraptured with Natalia. But she knew that wasn't entirely true - Gus had never felt for Natalia what Olivia was feeling. Before his heart beat in her own chest, it had belonged to Harley. But more than that, Olivia felt quite certain no one in the world had ever felt the depth and degree of love, adoration, admiration she felt for the woman standing before her, radiant, the most beautiful bride the world had ever seen.
When Natalia pushed to know why Olivia was crying, she tried to resist. She tried to change the subject, she denied, she deflected. Anything to keep from burdening Natalia with her secret love, the love that would shame Natalia. But Natalia insisted, she stepped closer, she begged, and the dam finally broke as Olivia let out the tortured truth, half screaming and half sobbing. She put it out there, wondering what Natalia would do with it. She took the first step, told her that she could offer her a home, and a family; not as traditional and accepted as the one Frank could give her, but a home filled with love and honesty and respect. But Natalia didn't answer right away, and Olivia knew that was all the response she needed to know. Natalia tried to speak, crying 'Don't you know…,' but Olivia refused to let her finish. And Natalia accepted the command. That was her answer. She wasn't ready to accept Olivia's love. If Natalia wanted the same things Olivia did, she would have spoken up. She had never had a problem yelling over Olivia. If Natalia wanted to say the words, she would have. But she wasn't ready for the change yet. So Olivia took her hand, secretly wishing that as she dragged Natalia back to the church, Natalia would use the hand to drag Olivia back to her. She'd say the words, too, and they would hold one another and bask in the relief that finally came from being honest. But it didn't happen that way.
The next time Olivia had tried to move their relationship forward was the evening of their accidental date at Towers. Natalia had chosen to walk her to her door, and Olivia interpreted it that perhaps Natalia was ready to take the next step, to at least make progress on defining the nature of their relationship. So she invited her in for coffee. Had she hoped sex would ensue? Of course. She was dying to know what Natalia felt like pressed tightly against her, their bodies moving in unison. She craved the sight of Natalia letting go, losing control, gasping for breath as her body shuddered beneath Olivia. Her hands twitched as she tried to restrain them, desperately wanting to feel her curves and the thrum of her heartbeat under her fingertips. But she never believed it would happen that night. She honestly was only hoping Natalia would come in and they could talk, perhaps share a kiss. Anything to move beyond the limbo and confusion that came with trying to 'be together;' and whatever that meant. Being two friends in love with each other but not doing anything about it; they had been doing that for months. And it was too hard--she couldn't stand loving Natalia without being able to express that love. She just needed some indication that they were on the same page, both wanting to move in the same direction. But Natalia had declined the invitation inside. Olivia put herself out there and Natalia refused.
So Olivia waited. Her next attempt came the weekend of their spa trip. They had decided to take the short vacation together so they would have time to think, time to figure out what they meant to one another and where they were going. Olivia expected that they would do those things, that at the end of the weekend she would finally have some answers. She had been blindsided when Natalia indicated that she wasn't even certain that they were together. Were she and Natalia really on such different planets when it came to their relationship? Olivia was already all-in; she had given her heart completely. She thought she had made that clear before they left Springfield when she told her she needed to know if Natalia could handle being together. At the spa, Natalia hesitated, fumbled over some words while Olivia became increasingly frustrated. All she wanted was a simple confirmation that they were moving in the same direction. So she pleaded with Natalia that they not leave one another questioning, putting their lives on hold for something that might or might not happen. Natalia had told her they would figure it out. Olivia waited, but she certainly didn't feel like she had figured anything out.
And this cyclical pattern repeated itself, time and time again over the next few months. When she returned from San Francisco, she tried again. She wanted to move back to the farm house. Natalia said no, she wasn't ready for that yet. Olivia tried to be patient. When Natalia told her they needed to find the right time and place to tell Rafe, she had asked Natalia for a timeline. Maybe if they had a plan, if there were an end to the waiting in sight, Olivia would be better able to deal with the agonizing uncertainty. Natalia simply said she had no idea when the right time or where the right place would be to tell Rafe. And then she changed the subject. The next attempt came when Olivia and Emma visited Natalia and Rafe at the farm house a few days after he was released from the halfway house. Emma had colored a picture of the farm house, labeling it 'Home.' Olivia thought Rafe might have an easier time adjusting if he were surrounded by more family, more people to care for him and look out for him. Natalia simply replied, "Not yet." Olivia told her it didn't have to be that day; she just wanted to know that someday it was coming. But Natalia never answered because they had been interrupted by Emma. Later, when she told Natalia she needed to stop coddling Rafe because he was no longer a baby and his attitude was affecting their relationship, Natalia got angry. Olivia tried to be honest, telling her that she hated waiting. Natalia turned it on Olivia, making her feel guilty for thinking of herself over Natalia's son. Every single time Olivia tried to generate movement, Natalia's inertia overpowered her.
Even Olivia's attempts to slow their relationship were actually efforts to move the relationship forward. She started to think maybe she had been putting too much pressure on Natalia. Maybe she hadn't been clear enough - she didn't expect to jump immediately into all the aspects of a romantic relationship. She hoped they would come, but all she really wanted was some form of development. Anything to show that they were making progress. So she went to the farmhouse one afternoon and handed the metaphorical keys to Natalia. She would let Natalia drive for a while. Perhaps giving over control would spur Natalia into acting instead of reacting all the time. She believed, she hoped, Natalia would then be willing to take small steps. Natalia could decide when change would happen, how much change would happen, without pressure or influence from Olivia. So Olivia told her she'd wait. And wait she did. But Natalia did nothing.
A few weeks later, she tried again. Perhaps the thought of sex was so overwhelming to Natalia that she was too terrified to move at all toward it. Maybe she still felt it was a sin. Maybe she was unable to move forward because she didn't realize that there were a lot of places on the relationship spectrum that fell between "two best friends in love with one another" and "two partners having sex." It seemed plausible. Olivia didn't know everything about her relationship with Gus, but she knew Natalia was only sixteen when she gave birth to Rafe. They obviously hadn't waited too long to get sexual. And the same had happened with Frank. For the most part, Natalia and Frank had been friends who had recently started to very casually date, and then suddenly she had slept with him. Olivia wanted to make it clear that there were places they could go, things they could do and be to one another, that didn't necessarily require sex. So Olivia took it off the table. She offered herself in any fashion Natalia would have her. If they were only two friends who loved each other more than anything, it would be enough. But she had to know if they were at least that to one another. Because she still felt like she was living in an unknown space, wondering if they would ever be together, and what together would look like if they ever did get there. She really had resigned herself to being okay with just being Natalia's best friend who loved her. She just wanted to know, to have definition, and to stop having to hide from the world. She was honestly surprised when Natalia indicated that she wanted a full relationship - certainly none of her actions to date had indicated that. But before they could come to any conclusions, before Olivia was able to get answers, Rafe had discovered them, and everything went to Hell.
She finally thought she had made progress when Natalia agreed to go to the Bauer barbeque with her. It wasn't a commitment, it wasn't moving back in, it wasn't physical intimacy, it wasn't even a kiss - but it was an acknowledgement that they were, indeed, together. Olivia had been thrilled, literally glowing from her joy. They could finally be together without hiding. They were finally making progress. And then… Olivia couldn't even think about the utter devastation she had felt when she realized Natalia wasn't coming. They weren't together. Natalia's actions had made it abundantly clear that she was not ready to be with Olivia. And Natalia hadn't even had the nerve to tell Olivia herself.
So for months, Olivia had been dealing with Natalia's seeming inability to know what to say. She never had answers, only more hesitations, questions, stalling tactics. But now… Now Natalia seemed to know exactly what to say. She words she spoke from her heart were piercing into Olivia's own. They were words Olivia had ached to hear for months. They sounded like an intricate symphony, the most perfect melody ever to grace Olivia's aural senses. They were the answers to every prayer she had made, every star she had wished upon.
And, God, she wanted to believe her. She wanted to believe that the words were true, that Natalia was ready. But given Olivia's history with tumultuous relationships, she knew that words could be promises, but more often than not, they were simply words. Promises unkept, dreams unfulfilled. She had believed others, before Natalia, and it had never worked. She had believed Natalia months ago, and she had left her. Why would this time be any different? Because I'm different now. Because she is different now. Because our love is different. Because she is my soul mate.
She found herself leaning into Natalia's embrace, giving the smallest piece of herself back to Natalia as she softly whispered, "I want that, too." She felt Natalia squeeze her tighter and then nuzzle her face into Olivia's neck. She felt her warm tears falling on her bare clavicle as Natalia's hand roamed over the curve of Olivia's back.
Olivia could physically feel her body giving in, her heart shifting as she wondered if they really could work things out. She didn't trust Natalia any longer, and that would be essential if they were to ever make this work again. She needed to believe that Natalia was committed, needed to know she was willing to withstand whatever Rafe or Frank or the world would throw at them. It had to be all or nothing.
But she couldn't just grace Natalia with trust any easier than she could turn off her love for her. Natalia would need to earn it. And for that to happen, Olivia was going to have to swallow her fear, roll the dice and risk her heart. She would have to give Natalia a chance to earn her trust again. The thought of opening herself up for tragedy again was terrifying. But Natalia had been right. Life apart from one another was worse than anything she could have ever imagined. Olivia Spencer was a woman who had knocked on death's door, ready to barge through. She knew the fear that came from knowing you were a few shallow breaths from death. She honestly believed the thought of trying to live without Natalia in her life was harder, scarier, than fighting off death. The risk was great; she hadn't been kidding when she told Natalia that she wouldn't survive if it happened again. She honestly didn't think she could put her heart, her body though it again. But the potential reward would be greater than anything Olivia had ever experienced, more than she had ever dared to dream for.
Olivia pressed her eyes closed, trying to clear her mind. It was racing with the possibilities and Olivia decided she was getting ahead of herself. There were still questions she wanted to ask, answers she needed to hear from her ex. She had originally been reluctant to play along with Natalia's game. But the longer they sat there, huddled near one another on a wooden bench inside the gazebo, the more they discussed things and finally said the things that needed to be said, she was growing to appreciate the brilliance of the game. Natalia had known where this would go. Olivia had never given Natalia a chance to explain herself. She had been too angry, too hurt, too volatile. But Natalia started out the game by reminding Olivia of the good times, the potential they had, the joy they could offer to one another. She had spent entirely too much time lately focusing on her feelings of abandonment, thinking about all the places they had gone wrong in their relationship. When she had pushed too much. When Natalia had waffled too much. All the times one of them chose to not say what she really meant. When they took the easy route, pretending that nothing was wrong, instead of risking the hurt that would come from honestly opening up, explaining their interpretation of events and their emotional reactions to those events. Their relationship became a precarious balancing act, trying to maintain closeness without complete honesty, trying to create intimacy without vulnerability. How did she ever think they could survive that way?
So Natalia laid the groundwork for reconciliation. She reminded Olivia of how good things could be. She had known, Olivia was certain, that doing so would force the issue for Olivia. She wouldn't be able to resist, and she'd ask the questions she needed answers to. And Natalia would finally have the opportunity to explain herself.
Damn. She's a genius. Olivia smiled.
She pulled back from Natalia's embrace and they looked at each other carefully, eyes wide in the moonlight. Olivia tried to gauge what Natalia was thinking; she suspected that Natalia was doing the same. Olivia had confessed she still wanted all the things she had dreamed of with Natalia. She felt incredibly exposed, but it also felt liberating. She had denied her feelings and her desires for so long, it was the same sweet relief she felt after her graveyard confession.
"I guess it is my turn to ask a question now?" Olivia asked.
Natalia nodded. "Yep. Ask me anything."
Olivia thought carefully about what she should ask next. There were so many questions she had thought of while Natalia was away. She had so often thought through what she would say when she saw her again. Many of those she had already had the opportunity to say tonight; the words she had composed in anger and self-pity. And saying those hadn't had the same liberating effect as her recent confession had. It was just the opposite. She knew Natalia needed to know what Olivia had endured during her absence, but she hated that she hurt Natalia in the process of telling her. It was her natural reaction to protect Natalia, to take care of her. Doing so made her feel strong, and needed. It had been one of the few ways she had been able to show her love in a way that didn't scare Natalia away.
She thought about the first question she had asked. Natalia had made a very compelling argument in response to it, and perhaps what surprised Olivia most was that, after contemplating it for the previous few minutes, she completely believed Natalia's answer. There was a time, very recently, that she vowed to never believe another word Natalia ever said to her. But there had been thought and honesty in Natalia's response. She didn't say yes just because it was easy or because she wanted Olivia to forgive her. Knowing Natalia, knowing her grace and her kindness, her generosity and her altruistic nature, Olivia knew that Natalia would forgive her completely if the tables were turned. That was who she was, innately good and benevolent. The problem, of course, was that Olivia wasn't all of those things. Wanting to forgive and having the capacity to forgive were very different things. Olivia wasn't sure if she wanted to forgive Natalia, but even if she did, she wasn't sure that she actually could do it.
But that was too much to think through right now, so instead she focused on coming up with her next question. Given they had just recently discussed living as a family and their hopes for the future, one seemed especially pertinent.
"So, hypothetically speaking, if we were to make this work, and I'm not saying at all that I am ready for that, what would be my role in your baby's life? Could we even be a family?"
Natalia pouted. "I thought you just said that you wanted that? You wanted us to be a family and have all those things we talked about."
Olivia sighed in frustration. Sometimes she's a genius; sometimes she's about as sharp as a marble. She tried to remain patient. "I do want that, Natalia. I just don't know if I can have it."
"I told you, I want all of those things, too."
Olivia hung her head, rubbed her temples again as her headache started creeping back. "I know. I heard you."
Natalia didn't answer; she sat quietly looking at Olivia.
"OK, look, can we not debate semantics here? Can't you just answer the question? I've answered yours without being difficult," Olivia sighed.
Natalia laughed. "Olivia, you're always difficult." She paused, chewed her lip a moment. "It is one of the things I love about you."
But Olivia's patience was beginning to wear thin. She was cold, she was exhausted, and she hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning, having bolted out of Towers before her dinner arrived. She had been put through a gauntlet of emotions tonight and she knew they weren't even close to being finished yet. She looked seriously at Natalia, hoping to convey that this wasn't the time for joking. This was an important issue and she needed to know how they could make it as a family with such vague and distorted roles - could Natalia be Emma's other Mommy if Olivia wasn't this baby's other Mommy? Would the baby be Emma's brother or sister? Was it Natalia's baby, Natalia and Frank's baby, or would it be their baby? And Frank, God knows he could put up a fight and make things terribly complicated. Olivia didn't want that for Natalia. And she didn't want it for herself. She deserved for life to just go smoothly for a little while. She had earned it. So she simply frowned at Natalia and waited.
"Look, Olivia, I know this isn't a joke. I will honestly tell you that I will do whatever it takes to include you in our baby's - not my baby, ours - life."
Olivia cleared her throat. "Honestly, Natalia, how can you even say that? You know Frank is going to want to raise the baby with you. I'm pretty sure he'd marry you tonight if you'd let him. It can't possibly be our baby because it is your and Frank's baby. There isn't room for me." She looked away, not wanting Natalia to see the hurt she felt. She honestly had spent time in the past thinking about the two of them expanding their family. She wanted to take care of Natalia, go to Lamaze classes, decorate a nursery, and watch the woman she loved bring a baby into the world that belonged to the two of them, an immortal reminder of the love they shared. It made her stomach clench in a mix of anger, jealousy and disgust to know that Frank had been the one to share that with her. The child would be their legacy, tying them together forever, showing the world that Frank Cooper had been granted permission to touch Natalia, to love her, in a way Olivia never had.
She felt Natalia reach for her hand and she pulled it into her lap. She didn't answer, though, until Olivia finally had the nerve to face her once again.
"I will always consider this baby to be ours. Everything about this baby is a direct result of the love I felt for you. I am so ashamed that I ran away from you, and to Frank, all those months ago. But I was scared. I was starting to realize that I had fallen for you, and I was terrified. And it isn't noble or right, but I used him, hoping I would feel something for him. Hoping I would feel the things I felt for you."
"I'm not sure that makes me feel any better." She knew she sounded sarcastic, but did Natalia honestly believe that hearing that she had slept with Frank to try and get rid of her feelings for Olivia would make her more accepting of it? That it would make her feel like the baby's mommy? All it did was remind Olivia that Natalia considered their love to be wrong, a sin, unacceptable in God's eyes.
"I know it doesn't, love, but I'm not finished. I tried and tried to focus on what was happening, on what I should have been feeling for Frank. But all I felt for him was pity that Coop had died. And then, once things started to happen, I felt horrible, disgusted and angry at myself. I knew it wasn't right. I didn't love him but I didn't know how to stop it. So I closed my eyes, and I thought of you. I don't think I opened them again until long after he had," she crinkled her nose, and it was so cute Olivia almost kissed her. "Until long after he had… uh… finished." Natalia blushed.
The realization hit Olivia once she had recovered from the adorableness that was Natalia. "Wait…" she shook her head, making sure she had heard clearly. "You thought of me… during?"
Natalia nodded, and though she was still blushing, she never broke eye contact.
Olivia's protective nature told her not to ask, not to make Natalia even more uncomfortable, but her curiosity got the better of her. She had to know. "As in, like, you imagined us taking Emma to the park or watching a movie? Or you thought, thought about me? Like, instead of Frank?"
Natalia took a deep breath, squeezed Olivia's hand. "Instead of Frank," she answered simply. "I imagined it was you who was loving me. It was the only way I could get through it. So in my mind, Olivia, this is our baby. My love for you led to the events that brought this child into being. And I cried afterwards. I had to eventually open my eyes, and it wasn't you and I was heartbroken. Even though I knew when it was happening it wasn't you. I knew you'd feel different." She paused, looked carefully at Olivia. "I knew you'd feel right. So I rushed home, because all I could think about was you, and how you always knew how to make me feel better. It wasn't fair to you, to ask you to comfort me after I had done that. But you were the only person who could make me feel better again."
Olivia sat silently, trying to compose the myriad emotions that were coursing quickly through her veins. Natalia wasn't the saint Olivia often teased her about being, but she had still assumed that Natalia would be the kind of woman who would politely accept sex, very vanilla sex, but never venture into the realm of anything more exciting than that. To hear that she had fantasized about Olivia touching her that way --- Olivia's body responded to the thought, her muscles clenching and her nipples tightening, brushing against the soft satin of her bra. Natalia fantasizes… I wonder what she thought about… I wonder what else she does. She closed her eyes and willed herself to stay in control.
Natalia stroked her hand to get her attention. "This isn't easy for me to say Olivia, but I need to say it and you need to hear it. I rushed home and I waited for you. I sat at our dining room table, praying for guidance and strength. I asked forgiveness for hurting you, and for hurting Frank. And as I was praying, you came home. And you looked so beautiful, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was the day of Coop's memorial; your hair was pulled back with a few tendrils falling along the side of your face, and your make-up so soft. You had on long black pants and a soft black sweater, and you looked like an angel, like the answer to all the prayers I had been reciting. And you sat down next to me and apologized for the things you said at the memorial. You asked me if we could have dinner, and I said I had to leave. I couldn't take it. I couldn't look at you right then because all I saw were the visions I had of you earlier, with Frank. And they had been so beautiful, I was afraid of what I would do if I had to sit there with you and think about those things. I was so confused. And I felt guilty."
"Because thinking of me that way is a sin? Isn't that what you said? The Bible says thinking something makes you just as guilty as doing it?"
Natalia nodded softly. "Yes, that was part of the reason, but not the only reason. You said earlier tonight you felt guilty when I fell asleep on you, and you held me. That was how I felt after I had thought of you that way. I worried that thinking of you that way--it seemed like something all the men in town would do - fantasize about Olivia but not be there for her, not take care of her. They hurt you, and when I slept with Frank, I hurt you. It made me no better than them. And I wanted to be better. I wanted, and still want, to be your best friend. And I feared that thinking of you that way was going to be dangerous for our friendship. How could I ever look at you again and not have those thoughts fill my mind?"
"Natalia," Olivia couldn't decide to laugh at her naïveté or cry at the thought of her being so filled with angst following her coupling with Frank. "You don't need to feel guilty about that."
"But I do. I was no better than all the others."
"Look, sweetie." Olivia squeezed her hand, and then turned it over in one of her own, tracing feather-light touches across her palm with the barest brush of her fingertips. She then carefully folded in Natalia's thumb and her last two fingers, leaving just her index and middle finger straight. She lifted them to her neck, placing them under her jaw, just below her ear. And she waited for Natalia to realize what she was trying to tell her.
Natalia stared at her hand for a long moment before finally flicking her eyes up to Olivia's. "Your heart is racing. Are you okay? What's wrong?"
Olivia pulled her hand away again, and softly replied, "Nothing is wrong. That is what happens to me when I imagine you fantasizing about me. So trust me when I tell you that you need not feel guilty on my behalf. You might still feel guilty that it was a sin to think it, but I honestly don't mind that you thought of me that way. It's…" she cleared her throat, wondering if she was going to send Natalia running off scared again. Fuck it. I'm not hiding who I am from her anymore. If she wants me, it has to be all of me, the good, the bad, and the very, very naughty. If she wants back in, she has to be all in. "It's hot, Natalia. It's really fucking hot." She smirked, raising an eyebrow suggestively. "And it's only fair, because you've played a starring role in more than one of my own fantasies."
She watched carefully; she wasn't just teasing Natalia. This was a test. She expected to feel Natalia's posture stiffen; it was something she did when she was uncomfortable. She expected Natalia to divert her gaze, to move back from Olivia, to stutter through some incoherent thought. She half expected Natalia to spew righteous indignation at the audacity of Olivia envisioning her that way. What Olivia did not expect was for Natalia to slowly smile, but there it was, illuminating the night.
"Really?"
Olivia choked out a laugh. "Yeah, really. I told you - it's been two long years, honey."
Natalia leaned closer, whispering. "Am I good?"
Olivia blanched, blood rushing from her face to an entirely different part of her body. What the fuck had happened to her innocent, chaste ex-girlfriend? She gulped for air, trying to soothe her burning nerves, her ragingly vivid imagination. If she didn't change the direction of this conversation quickly, she worried she'd lose control, fall to her knees as she shoved Natalia's skirt over her hips and take her right there in the gazebo, in the middle of Olivia Spencer Memorial Park.
Olivia forced a laugh, trying to break the thick, expectant tension. She cleared her throat and hoped her voice sounded remotely normal. "You know, we've sort of gotten away here from the question, haven't we?"
Natalia pulled back; probably not the response she was looking for from Olivia. But Olivia wasn't ready to give in yet, and that would be exactly what would happen if they continued down that path. She'd give in to her body's wishes, making a decision that she'd later regret. If she were going to give herself to Natalia, she wanted it to be perfect, a decision made with trust and respect for one another. She didn't know if they'd ever get there. But she knew that right now was not the time; there was still too much for them to work through.
"I guess we have. We were talking about the baby, right?"
"Yeah. How can we be a family with all this craziness?"
"Olivia, you know that I want to be with you, and I am willing to let you determine when and how much you want to be involved. In an ideal world, my wish is that you and I would raise the baby together, as ours. Just as we did with Emma when you were living with me. He or she would know you were their mother just as much as I am. I'd want you to be involved in everything. But I know that might be too much for you. So if you are willing to be in this baby's life, we will love you in whatever capacity you can give."
Olivia caught herself before she rolled her eyes. "Don't you think that is a little simplistic? What are you going to do about Frank? You know he wants a part in this baby's life."
"I know." She frowned, furrowed her brow. "But I have told him that I want to raise the baby with you. He can be involved; I won't keep his child away from him. But he will not be a daily parent. He will have input, but all decisions will eventually come down to me and you."
"Do you really think Frank is going to be okay with you raising this baby in a house where we're living together? That he's just going to think it is dandy that his child has two mommies?"
"I. Don't. Care." Natalia said emphatically, shaking her head. "Frank can choose to be involved as much or as little as he wants. He cannot choose who I spend my life with. He cannot choose who I love. If he wants to be a good father, he'll eventually realize that having three loving parents can in no way be worse than having only two. And if he tries to create trouble, I can make problems for him, too. I am the mother, and he and I are not married. I'm willing to fight for this. I don't know much about child custody law, but I'll find someone who does. He will not keep me from you, and he will not keep us from loving and raising this baby. I will fight with everything I have. I may not fight often, but I will when it is important to me. I kept you alive when you wanted to die, Olivia. Frank can't be half as difficult and infuriating as you were." She smiled at Olivia. "I hope it doesn't come to that, but I will do whatever is necessary. You are worth it. Our baby is worth it."
Olivia's defenses were melting, she could literally feel defeat washing over her body. Once again, Natalia said all the right things, she had not wavered. It was clear to Olivia that Natalia had thought through the situation. She was firm in her decision. She really didn't care what Frank thought about them. And that was a world of difference from the woman who had left Olivia two months prior. "You really mean that, don't you?" Olivia asked incredulously.
"I do. I don't care what he thinks anymore. I only care what you think."
Olivia nodded slowly. "So I guess it is your turn again, right? What number are we up to?"
"Five," she answered. "Halfway there."
"Good, cause I'm freezing here."
Natalia leaned closer to her. "Do you want to go somewhere else to continue this?"
Olivia considered the option, but quickly realized she didn't want to leave. She wasn't ready to go back to the farmhouse with Natalia, and she didn't want to bring her to The Beacon, either. They could go to a bar to talk, but it would be difficult with the noise and the crowds of people. And she worried if they left, if they took a break in their game, she'd lose her nerve to continue. Her heart would shut down again and they'd be right back to where they had started the evening. They were making progress. They were moving. Olivia didn't know exactly where they were going yet, but she knew already they were in a very different place than they had been all the months they were 'together.'
"No, I think we should stay here."
"I'll just have to warm you up then." Olivia felt Natalia's arm wrap around her shoulder, pull her closer. And she noticed that Natalia was warm. Very warm.
"Mmm… you're burning up - why am I so cold?"
Natalia laughed. "You've heard the term 'bun in the oven,' right? That makes me the oven. This little one keeps me roasting most of the time."
Olivia smiled at her, and unconsciously patted her belly before quickly pulling her hand away. "Oh! I'm sorry. God, I hated when people did that to me when I was pregnant with Emma. Why do complete strangers think it is perfectly okay to touch a pregnant woman's belly?"
She felt Natalia squeeze her tighter. "You're hardly a complete stranger. I told you, you are this child's mother, too, if you want to be. That gives you a free pass to touch any time you'd like."
Olivia couldn't help herself, despite her fears and her insecurities, despite her anger and her doubt, she beamed, a magnificent smile. And she gently placed her hand on the top of Natalia's rounded belly. Natalia gently laid hers atop Olivia's, and then guided it down further, below her belly button. Olivia watched with a mixture of fascination, trepidation, and excitement. Oh fuck. This is not sexual! This is about a baby! Focus, Spencer, focus! Then Natalia tugged to the side a little, and pressed Olivia's hand firmly against her. And beneath her palm, she felt the familiar fluttering she hadn't experienced since she was pregnant with Emma. She looked up from their joined hands, into Natalia's eyes. "That's amazing. It's so beautiful." She felt a tear fall from her eye. In this moment, she felt tied to the baby, and already she loved him or her. Natalia responded by smiling, and squeezing her hand a little more tightly.
Olivia closed her eyes, a thousand images racing across her imagination. The most prominent featured her and Natalia sitting close on the bench that adorned the farmhouse porch, laughing as they watched a little girl, about 3 years old with long dark hair, enormous and expressive eyes, running through the lush grass, chasing after her older sister, laughing and yelling "Emma! Emma!" And then Emma letting her little sister catch her, falling to the ground, tickling one another as Olivia and Natalia cuddled closer and laughed at their daughters' antics. A perfect family.
If only…