I search for answers, constantly constantly, scouring the internet, myself, the world, people in search of some meaning. I am in between extremes. Complete Nihilism or Faith. I feel like I am being bandied about by waves of consequence. I have reached this point through choices of my own, even if those choices were not ill thought out or percieved ( Read more... )

I feel a bit better this morning. I think I'm processing Grainne at the moment so it's put me in a funk. I got pretty low last night and had some worrying thoughts but I thought myself out of them again finding my strenght, resilience, convictions and curiosity. I would not want to leave this world of my own violation as I am too curious to see ( Read more... )

I'm back to having battles with myself though now I am back in possession of myself. I am awake again but I am still unhappy if stronger. I am still raging at circumstancing and reminicing when I should be focusing on the future. It is hard to live when you have no idea what you're living for. I am usually pretty good and directing myself but this ( Read more... )

Fire alarm went off at 6am. I was sleeping in my boxers and spiderman t-shirt so I threw on my jeans, hoodie, scarf and jacket and went down to wait half an hour while they checked the alarms only to find out it was a faulty detector head. All this while suffering from a massive chest infection and trying not to die on the spot ( Read more... )

Grainne has informed me that she does not want me as a best friend. That I broke a promise to her and it had been for our friendship. We talked and I made my case clear. How I had promised due to my vulnerable lost state but I should never have put her in the position to take control of my happiness. I have done nothing this year but make mistakes ( Read more... )

It's amazing how resolve and mood can shift with one thing. I leave a facebook status update, a latin sentence from the book I'm reading that means "As time changes, we change also" or close, and my ex's twin messages back saying in latin "not always true sham, as time changes excellence prevails (in latin), to which I reply "haha excellence can ( Read more... )

I am full of a futile energy that wants to burst forth. I do not want to be an archaeologist, I know that and have known it for a long time but I have settled myself on it because I enjoy it and am interested in it. I need creativity. Right now I feel the overwhelming urge to create but I am not confident in myself, I want to write. I want to paint ( Read more... )

I felt okay all day, I felt...........normal. I feel like karma is balanced. I though of future love and how it would not be so hard. I though of how my friends had said that when it comes I will know it and it will not be something so hard fought for, struggled for. To have fought so hard for it though leaves me with a sense of futility. If this ( Read more... )

I was thinking of how I had broken up with Aisling because she was treating me badly. About how badly she had treated me and how I had been the one to dump her. I was thinking how this would explain part of her behaviour in that she was acting out against the fact of being dumped even though she apparently wanted to end it with me long before. It ( Read more... )

I feel like I have noone to talk to, or rather than words just don't get anything across. Nothing makes a difference and nothing makes it go away. That sense of betrayal, loss, heartache, pain, sadness and inadequacy lingers. I am filled with a love that is completely in vain and no matter how wrong, pointless and wasted it is it is eating me up ( Read more... )