(no subject)
Fire alarm went off at 6am. I was sleeping in my boxers and spiderman t-shirt so I threw on my jeans, hoodie, scarf and jacket and went down to wait half an hour while they checked the alarms only to find out it was a faulty detector head. All this while suffering from a massive chest infection and trying not to die on the spot.
Had my first encounter with Aisling since my birthday. Went for a drink with my friend Shona, after two my head was hurting because of being sick so I walked her to the busstop. Later Aisling and 3 friends were waiting at the bus stop. I know they saw me but they ignored me subtley for awhile. Before millie had to go to the shop and walked by saying hello. I psyched myself up and then waited until my friend was on the bus. One of her friends waved at me, I raised my hand in greeting, then she turned around and waved very strongly, as if nothing had ever happened. I turned my raised hand towards her in greeting but barely looked at her and walked past and kept walking. Fuck it.
In the end I know that I tried everything and while ignoring does not come naturally to me that in this case it is necessary. I am tired of everything. I am no longer reliant on people and I feel a strange emptiness at the moment. Maybe I am still in shock or maybe I have just had to give up. I have lost my g/f and my b/f in the same 12 month period. It has been the worst year of my life but none of that matters now because it is done. I made what decisions I could and I tried to make the right ones all the time. Now I know what doesn't work I will have to work with that. If thy right eye offends thee pluck it out. I have no single one person that is present that I am really close to. My thoughts are my own and I am wondering where to go from here? Do I want to forge new connections or be by myself for awhile? Right now I think I want to be by myself. I don't have the energy for anything else. I tried so hard and people have rejected me. I know that I am far from perfect but I also know that I am not so perfectly flawed that I deserve ill treatment. Nobody deserves ill treatment. I loved and wanted to be loved in return. My love was unconditional, it still is, their's was not. Aisling I love and think is beautiful but I do not like her and cannot have anything to do with her but the love is uncondistional, Grainne I love unconditionally but her love is conditional and she has decided that she does not want me as a friend anymore. I had never believed it was conditional before, that was new. I'm learning alot this year, most of it is not fun to learn. It is difficult, demoralising and had completely shattered the ideals I had. I am not shocked by bad news now. Grainne leaving, came at a time when I had realised that people will let you down and leave you, when forever and promises are not promises forever. I do not know if I can believe anything like this again. I feel very disillusioned and I wonder how I should interact with people. If I am to give something, they should return it. If they give something, I should return it as much. Balance, Balance, Balance but why? How can you be sure. In both cases I was sure. I never believed Grainne would do that, why would I? I wouldn't have. I'm walking around shielded and withdrawn but still myself, just alot more cynical and apathethic. Anything can happen to me and I would not be surprised. I will still live my life to the best of my abilities, I will still strive to be a good person but I know that that will not pretect me from harm and that anything, anyone can change and leave and permanence is a fantasy. I wonder if I can trust anyone new properly again. The people I trust are dwindling. I do not want to be closed off, but I have no met anyone new who has fostered that trust and it will be a long time before I do. I do not need anyone but life is alot preferable with certain people in it.
It is hard to find my way because I have very little faith in anything. I cannot plan because anything might happen. I do not know if I can dream because dreams are made, like hearts, to be broken. But once your heart is truly broken, you will never let it happen again. Never. You will always shield it just that tiny bit. No-one has access to it as freely as before. I need to find my way.
Had my first encounter with Aisling since my birthday. Went for a drink with my friend Shona, after two my head was hurting because of being sick so I walked her to the busstop. Later Aisling and 3 friends were waiting at the bus stop. I know they saw me but they ignored me subtley for awhile. Before millie had to go to the shop and walked by saying hello. I psyched myself up and then waited until my friend was on the bus. One of her friends waved at me, I raised my hand in greeting, then she turned around and waved very strongly, as if nothing had ever happened. I turned my raised hand towards her in greeting but barely looked at her and walked past and kept walking. Fuck it.
In the end I know that I tried everything and while ignoring does not come naturally to me that in this case it is necessary. I am tired of everything. I am no longer reliant on people and I feel a strange emptiness at the moment. Maybe I am still in shock or maybe I have just had to give up. I have lost my g/f and my b/f in the same 12 month period. It has been the worst year of my life but none of that matters now because it is done. I made what decisions I could and I tried to make the right ones all the time. Now I know what doesn't work I will have to work with that. If thy right eye offends thee pluck it out. I have no single one person that is present that I am really close to. My thoughts are my own and I am wondering where to go from here? Do I want to forge new connections or be by myself for awhile? Right now I think I want to be by myself. I don't have the energy for anything else. I tried so hard and people have rejected me. I know that I am far from perfect but I also know that I am not so perfectly flawed that I deserve ill treatment. Nobody deserves ill treatment. I loved and wanted to be loved in return. My love was unconditional, it still is, their's was not. Aisling I love and think is beautiful but I do not like her and cannot have anything to do with her but the love is uncondistional, Grainne I love unconditionally but her love is conditional and she has decided that she does not want me as a friend anymore. I had never believed it was conditional before, that was new. I'm learning alot this year, most of it is not fun to learn. It is difficult, demoralising and had completely shattered the ideals I had. I am not shocked by bad news now. Grainne leaving, came at a time when I had realised that people will let you down and leave you, when forever and promises are not promises forever. I do not know if I can believe anything like this again. I feel very disillusioned and I wonder how I should interact with people. If I am to give something, they should return it. If they give something, I should return it as much. Balance, Balance, Balance but why? How can you be sure. In both cases I was sure. I never believed Grainne would do that, why would I? I wouldn't have. I'm walking around shielded and withdrawn but still myself, just alot more cynical and apathethic. Anything can happen to me and I would not be surprised. I will still live my life to the best of my abilities, I will still strive to be a good person but I know that that will not pretect me from harm and that anything, anyone can change and leave and permanence is a fantasy. I wonder if I can trust anyone new properly again. The people I trust are dwindling. I do not want to be closed off, but I have no met anyone new who has fostered that trust and it will be a long time before I do. I do not need anyone but life is alot preferable with certain people in it.
It is hard to find my way because I have very little faith in anything. I cannot plan because anything might happen. I do not know if I can dream because dreams are made, like hearts, to be broken. But once your heart is truly broken, you will never let it happen again. Never. You will always shield it just that tiny bit. No-one has access to it as freely as before. I need to find my way.