(no subject)
Grainne has informed me that she does not want me as a best friend. That I broke a promise to her and it had been for our friendship. We talked and I made my case clear. How I had promised due to my vulnerable lost state but I should never have put her in the position to take control of my happiness. I have done nothing this year but make mistakes, unaware of making mistakes or believing that I was doing the right thing. I did not take th promise as seriously as she did. I saw it as something undertaken for my own good and when it came to the point of it no longer being for my own good I believed that it was rendered illogical and that I would take the positive action of helping myself and that Grainne would understand as I was in a much better place and it had obviously been the better choice. Grainne had seen it as a promise of which our friendship rested, a promise not to sleep with someone or she would duck out. She believes that I just threw our friendship away to get with some girl, listening to my body. I explained otherwise, explained the depth of feeling involved, the love and how if I had honestly believed it would cost our friendship I would not have done it or would have spoken to her first. I believed that she would be mad at me but would forgive me because of the strenght of out friendship. I still have so much faith in that.
I feel very tired now though. I feel like the universe is telling me I must be alone completely. I am living by myself, single and I have now lost my best friend, the single most important individual in my whole life. There are only 2 people I rate highly in my life now and I pray that Grainne will forgive me and give me a second chance. I did not know it would be such a betrayal for her, in the end I have to decide who to sleep with and who not to. She kept talking about my 'problem' due to my idiocy when it comes to sleeping with women and the fact that I engaged in casual sex 3 times after Aisling though when I broke the promise it was not that and was positive. I was not trying to be selfish. I feel more myself now than I have a year now, I feel ready but now I also feel alone. I am not lonely. I have steeled myself for this, I got through everything due to my friends. The world is telling me I have to rely on myself. I have closed off a piece of myself today. I will never rely on people so strongly again. It is too much of a burden. I shouldn't have done it, I suppose I always believed it was how things worked and I did not know how to deal with my world becoming continuosly undone. Now it is stable, if a bit bleak. I will be okay, I will be fine. I will keep going but things are alot less fun or interesting. I love my best friend with everything I have. I no longer have the energy for forging new connections with people. I am having less and less attachments. People define themselves by interaction with others but I am now the me I was years ago. Less open, needy and unsure. I know who I am and I am strong and I will deal with this but I gain no pleasure from loosing my best friend. I only hope it is not permanent. She said she needed time to herself away from me because I am not the sort of person she wants as a best friend. I do not know how to fix things, how to return. I am trying to find my way through everything but I definantly believe that any choice can be bad and I have to resign myself to blaming the universe for taking a piss of my and myself for being such an idealistic, blind idiot. Obviously I did not forsee these consequences. The world is telling me, rely on no one. I will listen but I do not know now how to deal with people. I think I have no choice but to withdraw into myself. Whatelse is there? I no longer feel the happy lively Jenn I was before last year, though that was not perfect either. I feel the weight of responsibility and life bearing down on me but I do not know for what purpose. Why are these lessons necessary? Why must I feel alone and isolated? I don't mind, I am inside a shell. But my life has been turned upside down in the last year and I do not know how to take it and how to move on. Nothing, absolutely nothing is as it was. How am I supposed to go on from here? Just keep going I suppose. Just keep going. Finish college, go to Greece. Then go from there. I feel like I have nothing going for me when once I felt, briefly, like I had everything and it would work out. I had a g/f who loved me, I had incredible friends, I was able to apply myself and got effortlessly good grades, I had just gotten on campus and it was all going to be great. I still have great friends but if I can lose my best friend, my soulmate, how can I trust anything? I can lose everything so easily in one year. I don't know how I will commit to anything from now on when I know that things can be so so fleeting. I have to hope that this is not the end. I have such faith in our friendship. I hope she can find the faith in me again. I will have to get out there, despite not wanting to. I will learn how to deal with the world again, from scratch. I have to start over again. How I feel, think, interact. Everything feels alien and removed from me. I have to do it. It is just a bit fumbly. I am very lost right now. I need to find something.
I hope Grainne comes back to me someday. I need to get on by myself in the meantime.
I just hope the world isn't so cruel and to seperate us forever.
I feel very tired now though. I feel like the universe is telling me I must be alone completely. I am living by myself, single and I have now lost my best friend, the single most important individual in my whole life. There are only 2 people I rate highly in my life now and I pray that Grainne will forgive me and give me a second chance. I did not know it would be such a betrayal for her, in the end I have to decide who to sleep with and who not to. She kept talking about my 'problem' due to my idiocy when it comes to sleeping with women and the fact that I engaged in casual sex 3 times after Aisling though when I broke the promise it was not that and was positive. I was not trying to be selfish. I feel more myself now than I have a year now, I feel ready but now I also feel alone. I am not lonely. I have steeled myself for this, I got through everything due to my friends. The world is telling me I have to rely on myself. I have closed off a piece of myself today. I will never rely on people so strongly again. It is too much of a burden. I shouldn't have done it, I suppose I always believed it was how things worked and I did not know how to deal with my world becoming continuosly undone. Now it is stable, if a bit bleak. I will be okay, I will be fine. I will keep going but things are alot less fun or interesting. I love my best friend with everything I have. I no longer have the energy for forging new connections with people. I am having less and less attachments. People define themselves by interaction with others but I am now the me I was years ago. Less open, needy and unsure. I know who I am and I am strong and I will deal with this but I gain no pleasure from loosing my best friend. I only hope it is not permanent. She said she needed time to herself away from me because I am not the sort of person she wants as a best friend. I do not know how to fix things, how to return. I am trying to find my way through everything but I definantly believe that any choice can be bad and I have to resign myself to blaming the universe for taking a piss of my and myself for being such an idealistic, blind idiot. Obviously I did not forsee these consequences. The world is telling me, rely on no one. I will listen but I do not know now how to deal with people. I think I have no choice but to withdraw into myself. Whatelse is there? I no longer feel the happy lively Jenn I was before last year, though that was not perfect either. I feel the weight of responsibility and life bearing down on me but I do not know for what purpose. Why are these lessons necessary? Why must I feel alone and isolated? I don't mind, I am inside a shell. But my life has been turned upside down in the last year and I do not know how to take it and how to move on. Nothing, absolutely nothing is as it was. How am I supposed to go on from here? Just keep going I suppose. Just keep going. Finish college, go to Greece. Then go from there. I feel like I have nothing going for me when once I felt, briefly, like I had everything and it would work out. I had a g/f who loved me, I had incredible friends, I was able to apply myself and got effortlessly good grades, I had just gotten on campus and it was all going to be great. I still have great friends but if I can lose my best friend, my soulmate, how can I trust anything? I can lose everything so easily in one year. I don't know how I will commit to anything from now on when I know that things can be so so fleeting. I have to hope that this is not the end. I have such faith in our friendship. I hope she can find the faith in me again. I will have to get out there, despite not wanting to. I will learn how to deal with the world again, from scratch. I have to start over again. How I feel, think, interact. Everything feels alien and removed from me. I have to do it. It is just a bit fumbly. I am very lost right now. I need to find something.
I hope Grainne comes back to me someday. I need to get on by myself in the meantime.
I just hope the world isn't so cruel and to seperate us forever.