Dec 19, 2009 00:19
It's amazing how resolve and mood can shift with one thing. I leave a facebook status update, a latin sentence from the book I'm reading that means "As time changes, we change also" or close, and my ex's twin messages back saying in latin "not always true sham, as time changes excellence prevails (in latin), to which I reply "haha excellence can prevail even while you change. Let knowledge grow, let human life be enriched" to which she replies simply "Sapiens nihil affirmat quod non probat"A wise man states as true nothing he does not prove" which I though seemed a bit harsh and I wasn't sure how to take it as she is my ex's twin and I know how I'm being portrayed or rather I fear how I am and wasn't expecting such opposition to a simple latin phrase
" Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis" which was not negative etc or maybe I'm just taking it personally because I associate her so closely with my ex. Either way it shook me, I wasn't expecting the interaction and I suppose in time things like this won't shake me. I'm doing pretty well with seeing her friends though each time is like running a gauntlet. I have never had to face such a challenge before. It seems small but having to get over a broken heart with no aknowledgement from your ex, when being both vilified and victimised somehow simultaneously and knowing that encounters, meetings and comments are everywhere and not knowing how to take them because you don't know what's what or what is meant to be. I am actually just kind of miserable as I cannot get away from it. The two weeks will do me good but I know that I won't want to come back. I think I may boycott facebook for awhile, I am still trying to reach out through it. The part that misses her is still there, even just her friendship. It is like a thorn. I am trying to move on but there are so so so many pitfalls. I entered into this so emotionally vulnerable that my ability to detach has been comprimised and it has made everything so much more difficult. I doubt at times like this how well I am dealing when an hour ago I felt fine. I had resolved not to go out for a drink and rather sit in a read. I am reading 'A portrait of the artist as a young man' by Joyce and I'm reading it online, hence the quoting on facebook when pieces amused me. -Sighs- am I taking this too hard or is it a natural reaction? I don't know how I SHOULD feel, only how I do. My thoughts are more calm now but still depressed and circling around her, if not as vehemently and I am not as anguised except in briefer moments of grief and sadness. But I am hurt and I suppose that it will take time because as much as I want to belittle it and imagine that I'm exaggerating this is in fact the most devastating blow my heart has suffered, doubly so because of all this drama afterwards. I am mildly inconsolate. I miss being carefree. I smile and laugh, briefly. I want it to be as it was, not life but my mood. I do not like my lack of interest, my near nihilistic thinking at time that then succumbs to my ultimate faith in life working out lol. I am battling with cold logic, confusion and a broken heart. None of them play well together. I have no felt this awareness since I was 17, of life with.........noone you are truly intimate with. It is strange. Not bad, the heartache is the bad part, not the singleness. Grief, true gried, loss, sadness and shame. I am still here and living, but I would rather do it with a weight off my chest and a smile but I do not know how to shift it. I feel karma balancing, all my mistakes I am ready to unload. What I need is peace, peace and happiness. I have the strength.