(no subject)
I'm back to having battles with myself though now I am back in possession of myself. I am awake again but I am still unhappy if stronger. I am still raging at circumstancing and reminicing when I should be focusing on the future. It is hard to live when you have no idea what you're living for. I am usually pretty good and directing myself but this crisis is emphasised by the destruction of my foundations. We choose to define ourselves in certain ways, I believe that alot of my security was based on my closeness to a few select people, my best friend and lovers I transferred between until my heart was broken and my ability to focus on something as a goal even if it was not something I wanted to do fully like archaeology. I am trying to find something to live towards but the possibilities are endless and currently I don't know if I have the strenght to rebuild my foundations around me. I feel I need time to stabalize myself and then work towards things but I don't think I have that luxury and I will have to once more force myself to equalize. I need to be harsher with myself. I am too prone to melancholy at the moment. My friends make me smile and I laugh properly now but I am my own worse enemy. I think myself in knots and even when I feel fine I feel weighed down by the pressure of needing to rebuild. Of knowing that nothing is as it was and much of what a took pleasure from has been lost. There is still much to appreciate and I need to be harsher with myself in order to make myself see it and not dismiss it. I lost things I valued idly, knowing their worth but not appreciating it. I am still having trouble with loss. It will be more time still, I was hoping for a quick fix. No such luck but I hope that I will get there. The days have taken ona gray quality that I am fighing against in fits and bursts but today I felt lonely and isolated. I think it may just have to do with the bad chest infection that has meant I felt the need to stay inside and hopefully I will feel well again once that sickness if past. This week is almost through and I look forward to next week. I think I will take it week by week. Time has passed so slowly these last few months. One day it will all be in the past, I have no desire to wish my life away. I don't think I have come 100% to terms with the last year yet. I have no experienced this before. Currently however I am trying to be more supportive of friends, checking in on them, seeing how they are etc. I need to get past this but I no longer want to be so self involved. I want to be there for my friends. I am afraid to open up outside of them. I think I have created a distance between alot of my aquaintances in the last year and now it has culminated in a distance I am finding hard to bridge. I an struggling with indolence, compassion, hurt, and love. It is more rational than before, more firm but it is no less depressing. It will take time but I need action. What to do, what to do.