Choice, Validation, and Being Poly for Effective vs Ineffective Reasons

[much_ado]

I've been thinking a lot lately about choice, especially in how it relates to validation in relationships, which in turn relates to how people self-soothe (or don't) their anxieties through either self-validation or other-validation. this in turn has lead me to examine some of my own motivations through the years for selecting relationships, both

Comments

[the_emi]

*grin* Thanks for the mental ass-kicking.

(I know I don't always comment, but I do tend to read these tomes of posts, as you call them, because they often end up being rather invaluable.)

I think I'm especially strange, though... in most of my personal/romantic/whatever relationships where someone is making a point of investing time and energy in me, I tend to go "You adore me? Great, thanks for that." and enjoy it but not feel I need the validation... whereas when I have people to interact with for short periods of time (like, say, casting directors) I feel the burning need for their adoration and approval and validation.

Though now you've got me wondering, because I firmly believe that I could be as self-sufficient on my own as I am with a partner (as in, I don't 'need' anyone else to take care of me, but it's nice to have people around) why and how I'm choosing or letting people choose me.

[the_nita]

in most of my personal/romantic/whatever relationships where someone is making a point of investing time and energy in me, I tend to go "You adore me? Great, thanks for that." and enjoy it but not feel I need the validation... whereas when I have people to interact with for short periods of time (like, say, casting directors) I feel the burning need for their adoration and approval and validation.

That makes total sense to me - you self define as an actor, but with all the insecurities that go along (traditionally) with that self-definition.

Many people need someone to adore them as them. Actors (at least in my experience) need someone to adore them for the others they can be.

[the_emi]

*grin* Don't get me wrong, I would probably be a sad kitten if I didn't have lovers and friends' adoration as well... but to me, that's a little different from needing constant reassurance from them that I'm a good and worthy person. (Or it's also entirely possible that I'm accustomed to having it now, and am maybe taking it a little for granted that it will be there, and thus not feel the need to seek it out or want more?)

Whereas, with acting, it's always another role to have or part to play... and with that, I tend to be a little more competitive and need/want to be "the best"... whereas in personal relationships, I don't like or want to be competitive.

See, you darn pretty women, making me think. ;)

[the_nita]

Hey now - she's the one that helps people think.

Me? Harmless.

[mzrowan]

I seem to have an opposite pattern of feeling -- when single, or from people I'm not intimately involved with, I don't feel a strong need for other-validation. But the closer I get to someone, the more I respect and value their opinion -- and therefore, the more it hurts if they don't seem to think much of me (both in the allegorical sense and the literal sense). So I don't seek out relationships to provide other-validation, but once I'm in one, I seek other-validation from it.

[much_ado]

i like how Schnarch described that shift as happening because developing relationships invites us to increase the value of the Other to the point where we become dependent, after one fashion or another, on appeasing and being appeased by the Other to maintain stability in the relationship. i always struggled with that part; i would increase dependency without necessarily increasing the degree of value on my Other, in fact i more commonly projected the loathing for my dependency as anger at the Other. that's why my first husband and i ended the way we did, and why the subsequent relationship with Brock was such a struggle as well.

at least nowadays i can catch myself in those dependency spirals *most* of the time, sometimes even before the situation goes supernova :-/

[mzrowan]

i like how Schnarch described that shift as happening because developing relationships invites us to increase the value of the Other to the point where we become dependent, after one fashion or another, on appeasing and being appeased by the Other to maintain stability in the relationship.

I don't remember -- does he say that's a good thing? Or at least a normal thing? ;-)

[much_ado]

normal? yes.

good? not so much :)

the usual kind of weed-pulling tools

[theboomboom]

Quote: "these kinds of fears and anxieties are rooted so deeply that they don't come up with the usual kind of weed-pulling tools."

(Sometime) can you list/define/discuss "the usual kind of weed-pulling" tools?

Re: the usual kind of weed-pulling tools

[much_ado]

oh lord... *LOL*

it might be faster to go back through my Tags list and read anything tagged with the same index indicators as this post; trying to come up with a succinct list of relationship tools designed to weed out anxieties is why bookstores have such enormous Self-Help sections :)

Re: the usual kind of weed-pulling tools

[theboomboom]

*grin*

[dicea]

That was wonderful. Thank you very much for sharing it.

[much_ado]

as always love, you're welcome (and welcome to it) :)

[zanate]

Hey! Some of us are trying to get some work done here!

Practically accusing me of being "disinclined to evolve as a human being" if I didn't click your lj-cut. I saw what you did there.

[bridgeoutahead]

*pointing and laughing*

[much_ado]

everything i learned about effective promotional tactics, i learned from the_nita :)

You're so sweet

[the_nita]

Thank you.

Really.

Can I go back behind the curtain now???