Choice, Validation, and Being Poly for Effective vs Ineffective Reasons

[much_ado]

I've been thinking a lot lately about choice, especially in how it relates to validation in relationships, which in turn relates to how people self-soothe (or don't) their anxieties through either self-validation or other-validation. this in turn has lead me to examine some of my own motivations through the years for selecting relationships, both

Comments

[the_emi]

*grin* Thanks for the mental ass-kicking.

(I know I don't always comment, but I do tend to read these tomes of posts, as you call them, because they often end up being rather invaluable.)

I think I'm especially strange, though... in most of my personal/romantic/whatever relationships where someone is making a point of investing time and energy in me, I tend to go "You adore me? Great, thanks for that." and enjoy it but not feel I need the validation... whereas when I have people to interact with for short periods of time (like, say, casting directors) I feel the burning need for their adoration and approval and validation.

Though now you've got me wondering, because I firmly believe that I could be as self-sufficient on my own as I am with a partner (as in, I don't 'need' anyone else to take care of me, but it's nice to have people around) why and how I'm choosing or letting people choose me.

[the_nita]

in most of my personal/romantic/whatever relationships where someone is making a point of investing time and energy in me, I tend to go "You adore me? Great, thanks for that." and enjoy it but not feel I need the validation... whereas when I have people to interact with for short periods of time (like, say, casting directors) I feel the burning need for their adoration and approval and validation.

That makes total sense to me - you self define as an actor, but with all the insecurities that go along (traditionally) with that self-definition.

Many people need someone to adore them as them. Actors (at least in my experience) need someone to adore them for the others they can be.

[the_emi]

*grin* Don't get me wrong, I would probably be a sad kitten if I didn't have lovers and friends' adoration as well... but to me, that's a little different from needing constant reassurance from them that I'm a good and worthy person. (Or it's also entirely possible that I'm accustomed to having it now, and am maybe taking it a little for granted that it will be there, and thus not feel the need to seek it out or want more?)

Whereas, with acting, it's always another role to have or part to play... and with that, I tend to be a little more competitive and need/want to be "the best"... whereas in personal relationships, I don't like or want to be competitive.

See, you darn pretty women, making me think. ;)

[the_nita]

Hey now - she's the one that helps people think.

Me? Harmless.

[bridgeoutahead]

Harmless

*snort*

riiiiiight.

[the_nita]

Crazy part is, I am. No one believes it, but there really is a very short list of people or things out there that I've intentionally caused harm to - for just about any definition of harm.

I get mad lots, but most of that gets internalized (no, stop laughing, I am completely serious here - you think I get angry out loud a lot - trust me when I say the stuff in my head is WAY louder).

But ever since the events of my late teen years, I have tried extremely hard to avoid hurting people. Occasionally to my detriment, occasionally to my doing VERY stupid things to avoid it.

[the_emi]

See, I believe that, because I know you're making the choice to be harmless. <3

[much_ado]

I firmly believe that I could be as self-sufficient on my own as I am with a partner (as in, I don't 'need' anyone else to take care of me, but it's nice to have people around) why and how I'm choosing or letting people choose me.

one of the biggest lessons learned in the breakup with J was that i didn't need him to self-entertain, self-support, self-soothe. granted, i had been emotionally disengaged for months by that point, but it was the fastest breakup recovery period i'd ever had, because i'd already chosen to let him go, and was quite willing to see who i could be without him, or without any partner for that matter. because i broke the dependency-on-a-partner-for-validation pattern, that made choosing matthew much clearer when he came along several months later.

so i totally grok the idea of believing in and being self-sufficient; the questions of the hows and whys behind choice and choosing are ones i'm happy to share and provoke in others as well as myself :)

[the_emi]

It's funny, I tend to recover from breakups fairly quickly for the same reason... by the time they happen, I've already decided to let (or that I need to for my own sanity) the other person go.

But to me "I like you and I like being around you" almost seems too easy an answer when it comes to relationships...
(Oi, I feel a post of my own coming on about this. Which is dangerous, as I ought to get to the work that pays me soonish.)