[Series] A Story of Hurting and Healing, Chapter 18
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : R for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, very minor KangHyuk.
Word Count : 6193 words
Genre : AU, angst ahoy
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoided him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author's Note : This chapter is beta-ed by my awesome darling friend, catchmyambition. Thank you, thank you, and I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Anna bb. This chapter is all for you. :)
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14
Chapter 15 :: Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17
Another piece of mind :
It has been like, almost 3 months, since I last updated.
I've given up trying to seek forgiveness from all of you. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I'm not worth getting it. Besides, it's going to be redundant. And in this case, redundancy has never been a good thing, don't you think?
I'll end up taking too long in updating the story once again anyway, and you'll get tired listening to the old sob story on how my muse is such a bitch and keeps running away from me. T________T
So to keep you all from feeling nauseated, I'll just present you this next chapter in all its lameness glory.
Chapter 18
The way things are progressing, Siwon can’t help but feel like a huge jerk all over again.
Hankyung is now sitting next to him, huddled on the edge of the backseat as far away from Siwon as possible and lost in his own thought as he’s looking out of the car’s window on their trip back home. The atmosphere between them, to put it simply, is tense.
Siwon sighs.
To be honest, he didn’t mean to do it like this.
He had intended to work his way into Hankyung slowly. His hatred had hurt Hankyung, but if the younger man is willing to forgive and forget about it eventually, Siwon is also more than willing to accept the fact that it’s going to take the rest of his life for it to happen.
But then Hankyung looked at him like that --pain and tears inside his dark eyes-and all his good intentions had suddenly gone down the drain. He was overpowered with this crazy urge to embrace Hankyung and kiss his sadness away.
The next thing he knew was Hankyung’s soft lips under his ravaging ones.
Siwon realized that it was cruel and sly to do it when Hankyung was far too weak and confused to punch him on the face and yell don't. His guilt was almost as huge as the satisfaction he got from noticing Hankyung’s helpless reaction to the kiss, because at that moment, Hankyung was actually kissing him back.
For Hankyung the trigger might be years filled with heartaches and longing. As for Siwon, it was love and lust and regret and so many other things he couldn’t even comprehend. But the fact remains; the kiss was shaking both of them to the core.
Some things, some people, now are forever out of Siwon’s reach. But the kiss proved that the feelings he and Hankyung had towards each other were still pretty much alive.
And if it wasn’t for Hankyung’s insecurity suddenly freaked him out and made him back down, Siwon is pretty sure they would’ve ended up sweaty and awkward on that very hospital bed.
Hankyung was right after all. Everything always has to be like how Siwon wants it to be.
Siwon had never given much thought on it before, but now he does.
He was the only son in the family before Hankyung came in, and he was too used to get what he wished for. He was still so young when everything was starting to fall apart, forcing him to step up front and take over the control of his own life and many other people working for his family. He had been bearing burdens of works and life and lots of other responsibilities attached to him after his father’s breaking down, making tough decisions, not to mention taking risks. And at the end of the day, the tendency to lead and overpower everything becomes a solid part of him, so naturally that he had never even once questioned it.
Hankyung’s stern rejection had made him frustrated. He was lost, and hated the feeling of it. That was part of the reasons why he kissed Hankyung. Aside from the fact that kissing him had been on Siwon’s top of wish list since forever, he did it to return the control of the situation into his grip.
It’s truly an irony since right now Siwon still feels as clueless and lost as ever, if not even more. Now that Siwon knows how it feels to kiss Hankyung; how intoxicating those lips feel beneath his; how it was even better compared even to his most vivid dreams of kissing him; well, it’s only fair to describe this situation as the worst fuck up he’s ever had in his life.
Their driver’s soft announcement of we’re here, Sirs pulls Siwon out of his thoughts.
Glancing out of the window, Siwon can see the Choi residence’s huge metal gate from afar. His eyes flick towards Hankyung and he instantly creases his forehead in concern.
Hankyung is no longer slumping on his seat. Instead, his body has turned rigid, and there’s obvious anxiety and panic on his face.
Siwon’s heart is constricted as he is watching Hankyung silently. The car finally passes through the gate and Siwon clears his throat. “We’re home, Hankyung.” He said in a soft voice, hoping somehow it’ll calm Hankyung down.
Hankyung looks at him with unreadable expression for a moment before his eyes go even darker and those lips form a bitter smile. “Home, is it?” Hankyung turns to gaze at the building outside and continues with a whisper. “That house is never a home for me, Hyung. You of all people should know that, shouldn’t you?”
Blinking, Siwon realizes he has no answer to that.
---00o00---
There are loads of guest rooms in this huge house and yet --much to Hankyung's annoyance-- Siwon made him stay in the same room where he did the last time he was here. The exact room where he used to wonder and dream and want just one thing but ended up losing almost everything, even himself.
Talking about one clueless bastard.
Sighing, Hankyung moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Staring at his backpack, Hankyung realizes he still has some unpacking to do. But he's not in the mood, and there isn't that much to be unpacked anyway.
Flopping his back on the bed, Hankyung draws a long sigh.
He can't shake away this sense of massive deja-vu as he realizes that he's here once again, feeling so fucked up and filled with this desire to just run and leave this house --for different reasons altogether this time.
He really wants to tell himself that he's somehow tricked --swindled-- to be stuck in this horrifyingly familiar situation. But that would be a lie.
He knows full well how and why he's here. That damn Siwon had no doubt put some tricks into it to happen, but Hankyung was definitely sober --and pretty much resentful-- when he gave Siwon an okay.
There's just no use regretting it. He can do it. He's been a slut for three full years now after all. He's a fucking expert when it comes to this, isn't he?
He just needs to try to act professionally. He should never let his emotions run him by while he's trapped under the roof of this house because every time he lets his feelings gets the better of him, he's fucked. And not just literally.
So yeah. He just has to put on this façade for another month. Hopefully less. He'll knock some understanding inside Siwon's head, making sure to crush all of his stupid illusions on this relationship between both of them getting all fixed up and happy.
And then, only then, he could walk out and leave all this tragedy behind. He'd start anew. Living an anonymous life, sheltering himself in solitary because nobody needs him so why the hell would he need anyone?
He wouldn't care if it's going to be lonely, if it's going to be dark and shady and pathetic. He wouldn't give a damn, even if it's going to be a journey to crash-and-burn in the end.
What matter is: he'll be himself. He'll be in peace. He'll be safe.
And no one could ever hurt him again.
---00o00---
It’s night already and Hankyung is agitated. If Siwon really intends to keep their end of the deal, he should start telling Hankyung to bend over some table or kneel on the floor somewhere by now and make a good use of his mouth. A quickie would be much better because then it’ll mean Hankyung’s job is done for tonight and he can retreat back to his room, counting seconds to inevitable tomorrow.
But here they are instead: eating dinner in civilized manner that doesn’t even help to ease the eerie atmosphere.
Tableware is clinking soundly in the midst of silence stretches between them.
Hankyung isn’t feeling hungry at all. In fact, he’s starting to feel bile crawling up his throat from the tension. But he hoards down his food like there’s no tomorrow anyway because by doing so he can ignore Siwon’s burning gaze on him from across the table.
To tell the truth, Hankyung doesn’t enjoy this silence. He’s been expecting Siwon to say something, anything. Just so Hankyung can move on things to how they’re supposed to be. Hankyung has to make sure that Siwon won’t forget on how he is just the whore and Siwon is just the client. Facing each other in silence with heavy emotions swirling in the air is never a definition of whore-client interaction on Hankyung’s book.
However, some parts of him also want to let them keep doing this, all night if it’s possible. The thought of touching Siwon anywhere or, worse, letting Siwon touch him somewhere is making him shiver in uncertainty and anxiety. But he prefers it hands down rather than creating a chance for them to talk. He really doesn't think he can afford the emotional consequences he’ll surely get from it. That’s why after swallowing his last bite, Hankyung wipes his mouth carefully and finally looks up at Siwon.
“So, I’m full.” Hankyung announces, leaning back on his seat and glancing at Siwon’s still full plate. “Since I can see that you’re not hungry, don’t you think we should get on to the main show now?”
Siwon blinks. “What?”
Hankyung shrugs. “Well, you know. Now that we’re here, I think it’s time for you to tell me your kinkiest fantasies, and I’ll see what I can do to fulfill it.”
The statement looks like it punches Siwon in the face, and he leans back, big hands wipes over his face. “Can’t… Can’t we just… you know, talk?”
Hankyung refrains from rolling his eyes. Why I am not surprised?
The younger man chooses to ignore the pleading. Slowly, Hankyung rises up from his seat and walks over to where Siwon is still seating, trying hard to ignore that despite his resolution to keep things professional, his heart is beating like mad inside his chest. When he’s near enough, he waits, and curses a few seconds later because Siwon is still not moving, just watching Hankyung with horror on his face.
“Look, I can’t do my job like this, Hyung. Or do you want me to blow you from under the table instead?” Hankyung glances to inspect the said table. “It’ll be a little uncomfortable, but I think I can manage it.” He continues and starts pulling chairs aside to make a way. Suddenly, Siwon’s hand is on his, stopping him from what he’s doing and Hankyung can’t help but closes his eyes at the feel of Siwon’s skin. He silently counts to three before opening them and throws a questioning glare to Siwon.
Siwon swallows visibly, but he doesn’t retract his hands. “It’s… It’s not that I don’t want this, Hankyung. God knows I do. But this is not how I want it to be done.” Siwon’s gaze at Hankyung is deep and filled with emotions as he’s slightly pressing his hands. “Now that I have you here around me once again, this is never how I dreamt it to be done. Can’t you at least spare some time for us to talk things out?”
Hankyung narrows his eyes. “We had a deal, Hyung.” He growls, emphasizing each and every syllable because he’s angry now for so many reasons he can’t even comprehend. Quickly, he reaches out to hold Siwon’s collar and yanks him up, ignoring the loud sound when the chair Siwon was seating on tumbles back due to the force. It isn’t an easy task to do, hauling a man taller than himself up on his feet. But fury always gives Hankyung extra strength, and once he gets Siwon to stand facing him, Hankyung falls down on his knee and works quickly on Siwon’s zipper, pulling it down with efficient fingers.
Siwon feels burning hot inside his grip, already half hard and Hankyung swallows. He feels Siwon’s trying to step back and his grips is hardened mercilessly in his effort to stop him. That earns a growled whimper from the older man. Looking up, Hankyung says with gritted teeth. “Stop acting like a coward. Be a man and take it all or I swear if you don’t let me do my job I’ll fucking bail and leave this damn house before you can even blink.”
Siwon freezes at hearing that, fear and panic in his gaze, and Hankyung takes that chance to give Siwon’s cock a first lick. Siwon’s lips spurt out something that sounds a lot like guh and Hankyung smirks. “Moan if you like because that would be the only kind of conversation we’ll have.” He says before slipping all of Siwon’s cock between his full lips and into the warmth of his mouth like an expert that he is.
Siwon’s hips are starting to buck up as Hankyung bobs his head forward and back, stopping to suck every now and then. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Siwon’s hands falls hard over the side of the table, gripping it hard to get balance. Moans and growls are sounding like they were ripped out of Siwon’s throat and fuck if that doesn’t make Hankyung swallow deeper and suck harder.
Because now he understands it. Now he can see how doing this is torturing Siwon in a way it’s not supposed to be. It is too much and it’s hurting the older man in anyway possible. The realization is only doing nothing but sparking Hankyung up to increase his ministrations on Siwon’s cock, knowing that each string of pleasure Siwon gets is a painful experience; a severe punishment. And Hankyung is determined to make sure Siwon feels the whole misery he can create from his tugging and sucking and lapping over the sensitive flesh he holds captive under his merciless fingers and even more ruthless tongue.
It isn’t long before Siwon’s body shuddering hard, letting out a choking sound when Hankyung sucks him hard one last time and releases his cock out of those swollen lips with a loud pop. Siwon’s hands are gripping the side of the table for support as he’s coming hard all over Hankyung fingers.
For the next few minutes, the only sound heard in the room is Siwon’s racing breath. Hankyung watches blankly as some of the white come is trickling off his fingers onto the floor and he waits. He waits for some sense of satisfaction to kick in inside him.
But there’s none of that. Instead, Hankyung feels very sick like he’s never felt before and he must struggle to keep from throwing up his dinner.
Slowly, he raises his gaze up to look at Siwon’s face. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but what he sees makes his stomach churns horribly.
Siwon is staring at him, eyes all glazed up. And for a moment, they are just trading stares, witnessing how bad they have broken the others. When a bead of tear is finally falling down over Siwon’s toned cheek, Hankyung quickly looks away because the sadness visible inside Siwon’s eyes is just too much for him.
“Hankyung…” Siwon calls out his name after a while in this broken tone and it makes Hankyung scramble to rise up to stand, clears his throat as he is drying the come off his hands on his pants, still refuses to meet Siwon’s eyes.
“I think we’re done here." Hankyung says with hoarse voice. "I’ll just go back to my room.” Without waiting for Siwon’s answer, he turns around and leaves the room.
---00o00---
Siwon looks like he didn’t get any sleep last night. Hankyung revels in the fact that apparently he’s not the only one who is bugged the hell out by the degree of their fucked up situation.
Hankyung really hopes what happened last night would somehow wear Siwon out; stopping him from thinking that whatever it is they have between them can be salvaged. But it looks like Hankyung has to try harder, because Siwon is still there, giving Hankyung a bit cautious but hopeful look as they’re eating their breakfast.
Hankyung slices his sausage fiercely, knowing that he still has long way to go to earn his peace.
“So, what are you planning to do today?” Siwon asks him, breaking the silence.
Hankyung flicks his gaze up at Siwon. Putting his knife and fork down, he reaches the napkin and wipes his mouth. “I’m not really sure. Usually, it’s my client who tells me what to do. You know, the usual ‘bend-over-there-and-take-it’ stuff?” Hankyung shrugs, thrilled to know that Siwon has stupidly given him yet another chance to put some oil into the fire with his question. “What do you want me to do today, Hyung?”
Siwon’s eyes are darkened for a full minute, but if Hankyung’s words get to him, he doesn’t show it further. He just lowers his gaze down back onto his plate and acts like Hankyung doesn’t say a thing.
It looks like this time he refuses to take part in Hankyung’s little ‘i’ll-fuck-you-up’ game. What a shame, Hankyung thinks absentmindedly.
Deciding that this is kind of a boring situation, Hankyung finishes his water and rises up to stand.
“Where are you going?” Siwon asks, looked alarmed.
“Relax. I won’t go anywhere.” Hankyung said casually, checking his watch, and the words he said next are sounded nothing but cynical. “It’s time for you to go to work, Hyung. Don’t be a lazy bum and show up in the office on time like a professional businessman that you are, and I promise I’ll be a good little slut and waits for you to come home.”
Siwon chooses not to reply at that but Hankyung just couldn't care less. He can feel Siwon's eyes on him as he is walking to leave the dining room, his figure disappears behind the door.
---00o00---
To tell the truth, Hankyung is far too ashamed to be standing here in front of his mother’s grave. If only Eun Hwa was still alive, Hankyung couldn’t for the life of him imagine what she would say when she found out what kind of human Hankyung had become. Maybe, she would just look at Hankyung with sadness clouding her beautiful face, and asked why.
Life happens to me, Mother. That’s why, is what Hankyung would have answered. His life, to be more exact, because Hankyung is pretty sure that he’s the only person on earth who is leading such tragic life.
But he has no intention to be all emotional and teary like how he had been the last time he was here. He has learned his lesson after all.
He must never rely on anyone or anything ever again, not even on the comfort of spilling out his misery in front of his beloved mother’s grave. He knows that the only person who can help him is himself.
Smiling bitterly, Hankyung swats some dust and dried leaves from on top of his mother’s tomb. That’s when he hears Siwon’s voice behind him.
“It’s been a long time, is it?”
Hankyung doesn’t answer, doesn’t even bother to turn around. And he is sure as hell isn’t trying to hide the annoyance on his expression.
Siwon steps forward to stand right beside him, and Hankyung almost fidgets at the proximity.
Almost.
“You’re not going to work?” Hankyung asks, crouching down to pluck out some grasses at the bottom of his mother’s tomb. He notices Siwon has already dressed up in his working suit.
“There’s still time.” Siwon answers after a while and his gaze is scalding Hankyung's back.
“Hey,” Siwon said after a few minutes passed, breaking the silence with suddenly cheerful voice. “Remember that apple tree in the middle of the garden right there? We used to climb it up and stayed on top of it for the whole afternoon. We were talking about our dreams until we were running out of words to say, or just playing our cloud game to see who could get free back rub later in bath time.” He chuckles. “And then Mom would found out. She would call out to us with worries in her face and ended up giving us a long lecture and scowling for the whole night. But we would still do it again the next day.”
Hankyung turns his gaze towards the garden on the side. His eyes find the said tree and for a moment he doesn’t say anything.
“Nope, I don’t.” Hankyung finally replies with a lie, putting his attention back to the grasses below, shrugging. “The only vivid thing I can recall from that garden is that those shady trees there had always been a good place to hide from your father, even if it’s only for a while.”
Hankyung said the words casually, almost monotone without any hints of venom. But still, as the meaning of the sentence sinks in inside Siwon’s mind, the older man’s face is scrunched right up with regret.
“God, Hankyung…” Siwon stutters, the cheerful voice is gone, replaced with this broken and torn up ones. “I didn’t know. I really didn’t.”
Hankyung’s hands’ movements are halted for a moment when he hears that. He kind of feels like slapping his own mouth, because the direction of where this conversation is leading is definitely not what he had in mind when he spurted out the statement. He simply wanted to create an awkward atmosphere to get Siwon to shut up and just leave him alone.
Gritting his teeth, Hankyung decides to ignore Siwon completely and resumes on doing his grass-plucking.
“Back then, I was too wrapped up inside my own feelings. I was trying so hard that I couldn’t see anything else.” Siwon continues, sounds distant and hurting. “How I wished things weren’t the way they are, Hankyung. If you only knew how I regret those years back so much.”
Hankyung’s fingers are unconsciously forming a fist. Great, now the bastard just won’t stop blabbing.
Hankyung really can’t stand it: those excuses Siwon just keeps throwing at him. Hearing them is only fueling up his anger more, and the next thing he knows is he’s growling at Siwon to shut up.
It brings the silence back, until Siwon says something that pulls Hankyung’s attention on him.
“I hate him.”
Hankyung is looking at Siwon past his shoulder. Standing there blocking the morning sun, Siwon’s figure is forming a silhouette. His face is facing left, staring at something somewhere behind his mother’s tomb. Hankyung shivers because even when he can’t see Siwon’s expression clearly, he can feel something dark radiating from Siwon’s body. Following the direction of Siwon’s gaze, Hankyung realizes that the older man is staring at Min Woo’s grave.
“I tried not to think about it, Hankyung. What he did and how he had destroyed almost everything and everyone around him without me realizing even the slightest bit of it. God, how I hate him for those.” Siwon's wavering voice holds in so many disappointments, questions -- fulminations. “He is my father. He was the person I looked up to. Always had been. And at first I was trying to deny what’s already clear. But no matter how I shut my mind closed, the truth will always be there, poking my head and constantly nagging. And I can’t help the way this hatred for him has been growing inside me since then. It’s so contradictory from how I used to be that it hurts, but that’s the truth. I loathe my own father and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The statement surprised Hankyung. And somewhere inside, his heart is clenching with grieve. Because he fucking knows how Siwon used to feel about his own father. Hell, it was one of the main problems that had landed them in this mess they’re in right now.
But as much as he regrets how things had become, Hankyung has been through enough shit and he can no longer bring himself to care. He rises up to stand, flinging the plucked grass in his grips aside. His voice is full of calm menace when he says, “Don’t be too harsh on him Hyung. Because if you can see how many similarities you two share, you’d end up hating yourself too.”
Hankyung is about to walk away when suddenly Siwon’s grip catches his hand, stopping him.
Staring at those strong fingers circling his wrist, Hankyung turns his gaze at Siwon and tries not to flinch at all those shadows he’s witnessing swirling inside Siwon’s eyes.
“I have. ” Siwon says, his voice is thick with emotions. “Can’t you see it, Hankyung? I can’t even look straight into my reflection in the mirror now without wanting to throw up. What you said back then in the hospital had made me realized how I had become too much like my father. And I’ve abhorred myself since then, more than you can imagine. Because I know that I am worse than him. At least my father was brave enough to die with his sins. To get what he deserves and take whatever punishment hell delivers onto him.”
Hankyung can feel the grip on his wrist is tightening.
“But I am not like that, not at all. I made terrible mistakes just like my father did, but I’m still trying to make you forgive and forget. I’m still persevering to get my life back, struggling to reach my long lost happiness. I still want you to be by my side, just like how I always do.”
Hankyung is too caught up in his own emotion that he doesn’t even realize it when Siwon takes one step closer towards him, his red-rimmed eyes cautiously watches him. And he continues in this voice so low that it’s almost like a whisper. “I am nothing like my father. I’m much more shameless and selfish and greedy and I despise myself for it. But isn’t that how humans are? We always think that we are the most perfect creature God had ever created, but the fact is we are so full of flaws. We make mistakes, we’re doing things we’re not proud of, and at the end of the day we’ll realize what we’ve done wrong and get down on our knees to beg for second chance. Just like what I’m trying to do to you now.”
Hankyung grits his teeth. “I’m not God, Hyung. Take your begging for forgiveness somewhere else.” He shakes his hand, trying to break free. But Siwon just won’t let go.
“I screwed up, so I’m not God either.” Siwon replies, soft and repentant but is still annoyingly determined. “You need to think about it, Hankyung. I’m just a human. A remarkably low and unbearably horrible human. And we all know that my biggest sin is not to God. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why no matter what you do, I will never give up.”
Hankyung doesn’t respond to that, simply looks away and it makes Siwon get even more frustrated. “Look, all I’m saying is… Can’t we… just start over? I know we can do it. It’ll be hard. And nothing will be like how it used to, but we’ll manage. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do everything to chalk up our past into mere bad memories. I’ll make you happy. I’ll make us happy. All you have to do is just give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.”
Saying those, Siwon waits. Because Hankyung still refuses to look at him, just staring somewhere at the side with his jaws tightened. Then he finally turns to look at Siwon, only to give him this long unreadable look.
Siwon is already on the edge of his toes now, thinking he must soon be driven crazy by all this hope and expectation inside him. But after a while, Siwon is dreading at the way Hankyung’s mouth slowly forms this bitter and sad smile, face all scrunched up and broken.
“No, Hyung.” Hankyung’s lower lip is trembling as he says it and Siwon holds this urge to scream and shake Hankyung’s shoulder hard because he just doesn’t know what else he should do anymore.
“Hankyung..,” Siwon pleads, feeling like he has lost it. Desperation is clearly showed in his face. “Please, Hankyung... Please, just listen to me.” And then he lets Hankyung’s hand go, just so he can reaches out and holds both Hankyung’s cheek with his palms, dying with this need to be connected to Hankyung in any way.
Hankyung shakes his head, panic at the sudden closeness. Anger starts to seep inside him due to Siwon’s perseverance and roughly he pushes Siwon away, scrambling to step back and looked like he's terrified beyond words.
“Stop it.” Hankyung hisses, backing away another step when Siwon tries to shorten the distance between them. “Stop this, dammit, or I swear to God I’ll do what I did to you last night right here in front of our parents’ graves just to make you shut up.”
And that does it.
Siwon freezes on the spot at hearing the threat. Hankyung blinks, and a tear is falling over his cheek. “Go.” Whispering, Hankyung shuts his eyes closed in his effort to control his emotion. “Please, Hyung. Just… leave me alone.” He pleads, followed by silence.
Hankyung isn’t sure how many minutes have passed, but when he finally opens his eyes again, Siwon is already gone. That’s when he finally allows his feet to give up, his body slumps down heavily onto the grass.
The fear makes him feel so weak and tired, and he seriously thinks that he really can’t do this any further. He thought he could. But he can’t.
It’s far too dangerous, because even then, he was almost swayed by Siwon’s words. He was so close to believe that good things can still happen to him. All hopes and dreams of life and love he had buried deep inside him almost surged up, and it almost led him to be once again trapped inside an illusion. He said no but the truth is he almost -he had wanted to-- said yes.
His logic was kicking in on the last second and Hankyung feels relieved. But he might not be that lucky next time.
However, Hankyung realizes he has no other option but to bear with it. He had agreed and he must do anything he can to survive this one month. Because he knows if he decides to bail, Siwon will never learn that what he’s trying to do is just pointless. That bastard will keep chasing him to the end of the world. Siwon is too fucking persistent like that.
If he leaves now, he’ll never get his peace. And that thought scares him even more.
Taking deep breaths, Hankyung gathers his strength and rises up to stand.
---00o00---
What happened in the morning takes its toll on both of them in the night. And after three days of living the same pattern, Siwon’s too tired and too angry to fight back. So tonight he helplessly decides to be on the same page with Hankyung.
Siwon isn’t cornered against any dining table this time. They’ve moved past that. They didn’t want to risk being caught up by some random servant in this kind of fucked up situations after all. Instead, Siwon’s back is plastered on one side of the wall inside his study and kneeling before him is Hankyung, once again working his way into Siwon’s pants.
He can only remember vaguely how they ended up here. There is always a lot of silence and not much of a conversation in the beginning, and the next thing he knows is the feel of Hankyung’s heated grip around him.
Siwon reaches out and runs his fingers over Hankyung's hair before tugging it roughly to get that mouth closer, silently urging the younger man to just get on with it already. He can see Hankyung's eyes glisten in annoyance, seems like he's a little surprised to see Siwon being this rough and eager. Almost like he's daring Hankyung to completely destroy him.
But Siwon pays no attention and just shuts his eyes closed. Desperation and anger that has been piling up for days makes Siwon refuse to be compliant. Compliance doesn’t work and it seems like anything else doesn’t either and Siwon is barely hanging on to his sanity.
This wall Hankyung has built around him is far too high and the way Hankyung keeps giving him stubborn rejections over and over again is getting too much for Siwon.
He knows it only has been almost a week since he brought Hankyung back. He knows he should have had more patience.
But patience has never been one of Siwon’s virtues, especially when he almost runs out of time. There are already too few options of methods and even fewer choices of words available for Siwon in his effort to set things right. And within a week, Hankyung had forced him to use up all of them for nothing.
Siwon couldn’t help but feeling desperate, and when Hankyung starts doing that thing he does with his tongue, he has no choice but to thrust up eagerly --almost violent-- until he hears Hankyung make this choking sound. Ignoring it, Siwon eases himself down into into the heavenly heat that is Hankyung’s mouth and tries his hardest to empty his mind while he’s at it.
This is what Hankyung wants. This is the only thing Hankyung is willing to give him for now. It’s the only thing Siwon can do to make Hankyung stay. So Siwon takes what he can get.
However, to be getting off on this is a totally different case from actually feeling good about it. Because each time the pleasure ripples inside Siwon, it also breaks him into pieces. Each pleasant wave is a cruel reminder to what Siwon had lost and hadn’t yet regained. The way they’re always doing this so heartlessly is throwing him into such depth of despair and Siwon shuts his eyes closed as tightly as he could to prevent the tears that have been welling up on his eyes from falling.
Hankyung is tugging and sucking in all the right places and pretty soon, hopeless as he always has been towards Hankyung’s skillful touches, Siwon is tightening his fists when he feels the heat build inside him fast. When it finally explodes, his brain automatically shuts down at the unbearable pressure, makes him sees and feels nothing but stars and white hot bliss as he’s letting out this feral groan and comes all over Hankyung’s hand.
The feel of tears is cold against the heated skin of his cheeks.
---00o00---
Later that night, Siwon is still pacing back and forth in his study, lost inside his thought.
Judging from zero development he acquired on the situation he has with Hankyung, Siwon can easily picture how they will spend the rest of their days together just like this: tension and anger in the day, lust and desperation in the night. Destroying each other with nothing accomplished. Siwon’s heart is clenching painfully just by imagining the prospect of it.
Reality shows that he’s driven into the corner now and he realizes he must do something, think of anything he can do to stop this vicious cycle.
And that’s when that idea hits him.
He has thought of it before and to be honest, at first he didn’t like the idea even for a bit. Not that it’s different now because if he seriously considers on carrying it out, then there won’t be just the two of them in this matter anymore.
There’ll be three.
And as much as he respects and trusts that third party, Siwon is far too deprived of Hankyung’s attention to share.
But from where Siwon sees it, he has no options left. It is the only way. If by doing so he can earn Hankyung’s favor back, Siwon would be more than willing to suck it up.
The sound of clock ticking is clearly heard in the quiet house and it had been hours since Hankyung casually wiped up his fingers covered with Siwon’s cum all over his pants and retreated to his room with solemn expression on his face. Siwon’s face is burrowed when the memory of it plays inside his head over and over again.
With heavy steps Siwon approaches his desk. He’s unconsciously gnawing on his lower lip, even as he hesitantly picks up the phone receiver and dials. He's listening to the ringing on the other side of the line for a whole minute and flinches when finally a raspy and hoarse voice is heard through the receiver. “Fuck, Siwon, it’s fucking midnight. You’d better be dying or is having your house burnt to the ground as we speak. Or else I swear I’ll come over and kill you in the morning for making this shitty call.”
Siwon doesn’t reply, jaws tightening for some more seconds -his last attempt of contemplation-- before clearing his throat and reluctantly speaks in a low voice.
“Heechul-hyung, I need your help.”
TBC
PS: Comments are ultimately appreciated. To tell the truth, re-reading comments are the only thing that keeps me from raising a white flag and just giving up on this story completely. So, yeah, comments are priceless.
But, considering how I've become such a jerk for stalling my updates, maybe I don't deserve any. Or, you know, whatever. I'm just sorry for being a disappointment to my readers. T__________T
Those of you who are still on board with me: Thank You. I hope you'll like this one too, BBs.
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.
Rating : R for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, very minor KangHyuk.
Word Count : 6193 words
Genre : AU, angst ahoy
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoided him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author's Note : This chapter is beta-ed by my awesome darling friend, catchmyambition. Thank you, thank you, and I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Anna bb. This chapter is all for you. :)
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14
Chapter 15 :: Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17
Another piece of mind :
It has been like, almost 3 months, since I last updated.
I've given up trying to seek forgiveness from all of you. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I'm not worth getting it. Besides, it's going to be redundant. And in this case, redundancy has never been a good thing, don't you think?
I'll end up taking too long in updating the story once again anyway, and you'll get tired listening to the old sob story on how my muse is such a bitch and keeps running away from me. T________T
So to keep you all from feeling nauseated, I'll just present you this next chapter in all its lameness glory.
Chapter 18
The way things are progressing, Siwon can’t help but feel like a huge jerk all over again.
Hankyung is now sitting next to him, huddled on the edge of the backseat as far away from Siwon as possible and lost in his own thought as he’s looking out of the car’s window on their trip back home. The atmosphere between them, to put it simply, is tense.
Siwon sighs.
To be honest, he didn’t mean to do it like this.
He had intended to work his way into Hankyung slowly. His hatred had hurt Hankyung, but if the younger man is willing to forgive and forget about it eventually, Siwon is also more than willing to accept the fact that it’s going to take the rest of his life for it to happen.
But then Hankyung looked at him like that --pain and tears inside his dark eyes-and all his good intentions had suddenly gone down the drain. He was overpowered with this crazy urge to embrace Hankyung and kiss his sadness away.
The next thing he knew was Hankyung’s soft lips under his ravaging ones.
Siwon realized that it was cruel and sly to do it when Hankyung was far too weak and confused to punch him on the face and yell don't. His guilt was almost as huge as the satisfaction he got from noticing Hankyung’s helpless reaction to the kiss, because at that moment, Hankyung was actually kissing him back.
For Hankyung the trigger might be years filled with heartaches and longing. As for Siwon, it was love and lust and regret and so many other things he couldn’t even comprehend. But the fact remains; the kiss was shaking both of them to the core.
Some things, some people, now are forever out of Siwon’s reach. But the kiss proved that the feelings he and Hankyung had towards each other were still pretty much alive.
And if it wasn’t for Hankyung’s insecurity suddenly freaked him out and made him back down, Siwon is pretty sure they would’ve ended up sweaty and awkward on that very hospital bed.
Hankyung was right after all. Everything always has to be like how Siwon wants it to be.
Siwon had never given much thought on it before, but now he does.
He was the only son in the family before Hankyung came in, and he was too used to get what he wished for. He was still so young when everything was starting to fall apart, forcing him to step up front and take over the control of his own life and many other people working for his family. He had been bearing burdens of works and life and lots of other responsibilities attached to him after his father’s breaking down, making tough decisions, not to mention taking risks. And at the end of the day, the tendency to lead and overpower everything becomes a solid part of him, so naturally that he had never even once questioned it.
Hankyung’s stern rejection had made him frustrated. He was lost, and hated the feeling of it. That was part of the reasons why he kissed Hankyung. Aside from the fact that kissing him had been on Siwon’s top of wish list since forever, he did it to return the control of the situation into his grip.
It’s truly an irony since right now Siwon still feels as clueless and lost as ever, if not even more. Now that Siwon knows how it feels to kiss Hankyung; how intoxicating those lips feel beneath his; how it was even better compared even to his most vivid dreams of kissing him; well, it’s only fair to describe this situation as the worst fuck up he’s ever had in his life.
Their driver’s soft announcement of we’re here, Sirs pulls Siwon out of his thoughts.
Glancing out of the window, Siwon can see the Choi residence’s huge metal gate from afar. His eyes flick towards Hankyung and he instantly creases his forehead in concern.
Hankyung is no longer slumping on his seat. Instead, his body has turned rigid, and there’s obvious anxiety and panic on his face.
Siwon’s heart is constricted as he is watching Hankyung silently. The car finally passes through the gate and Siwon clears his throat. “We’re home, Hankyung.” He said in a soft voice, hoping somehow it’ll calm Hankyung down.
Hankyung looks at him with unreadable expression for a moment before his eyes go even darker and those lips form a bitter smile. “Home, is it?” Hankyung turns to gaze at the building outside and continues with a whisper. “That house is never a home for me, Hyung. You of all people should know that, shouldn’t you?”
Blinking, Siwon realizes he has no answer to that.
---00o00---
There are loads of guest rooms in this huge house and yet --much to Hankyung's annoyance-- Siwon made him stay in the same room where he did the last time he was here. The exact room where he used to wonder and dream and want just one thing but ended up losing almost everything, even himself.
Talking about one clueless bastard.
Sighing, Hankyung moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Staring at his backpack, Hankyung realizes he still has some unpacking to do. But he's not in the mood, and there isn't that much to be unpacked anyway.
Flopping his back on the bed, Hankyung draws a long sigh.
He can't shake away this sense of massive deja-vu as he realizes that he's here once again, feeling so fucked up and filled with this desire to just run and leave this house --for different reasons altogether this time.
He really wants to tell himself that he's somehow tricked --swindled-- to be stuck in this horrifyingly familiar situation. But that would be a lie.
He knows full well how and why he's here. That damn Siwon had no doubt put some tricks into it to happen, but Hankyung was definitely sober --and pretty much resentful-- when he gave Siwon an okay.
There's just no use regretting it. He can do it. He's been a slut for three full years now after all. He's a fucking expert when it comes to this, isn't he?
He just needs to try to act professionally. He should never let his emotions run him by while he's trapped under the roof of this house because every time he lets his feelings gets the better of him, he's fucked. And not just literally.
So yeah. He just has to put on this façade for another month. Hopefully less. He'll knock some understanding inside Siwon's head, making sure to crush all of his stupid illusions on this relationship between both of them getting all fixed up and happy.
And then, only then, he could walk out and leave all this tragedy behind. He'd start anew. Living an anonymous life, sheltering himself in solitary because nobody needs him so why the hell would he need anyone?
He wouldn't care if it's going to be lonely, if it's going to be dark and shady and pathetic. He wouldn't give a damn, even if it's going to be a journey to crash-and-burn in the end.
What matter is: he'll be himself. He'll be in peace. He'll be safe.
And no one could ever hurt him again.
---00o00---
It’s night already and Hankyung is agitated. If Siwon really intends to keep their end of the deal, he should start telling Hankyung to bend over some table or kneel on the floor somewhere by now and make a good use of his mouth. A quickie would be much better because then it’ll mean Hankyung’s job is done for tonight and he can retreat back to his room, counting seconds to inevitable tomorrow.
But here they are instead: eating dinner in civilized manner that doesn’t even help to ease the eerie atmosphere.
Tableware is clinking soundly in the midst of silence stretches between them.
Hankyung isn’t feeling hungry at all. In fact, he’s starting to feel bile crawling up his throat from the tension. But he hoards down his food like there’s no tomorrow anyway because by doing so he can ignore Siwon’s burning gaze on him from across the table.
To tell the truth, Hankyung doesn’t enjoy this silence. He’s been expecting Siwon to say something, anything. Just so Hankyung can move on things to how they’re supposed to be. Hankyung has to make sure that Siwon won’t forget on how he is just the whore and Siwon is just the client. Facing each other in silence with heavy emotions swirling in the air is never a definition of whore-client interaction on Hankyung’s book.
However, some parts of him also want to let them keep doing this, all night if it’s possible. The thought of touching Siwon anywhere or, worse, letting Siwon touch him somewhere is making him shiver in uncertainty and anxiety. But he prefers it hands down rather than creating a chance for them to talk. He really doesn't think he can afford the emotional consequences he’ll surely get from it. That’s why after swallowing his last bite, Hankyung wipes his mouth carefully and finally looks up at Siwon.
“So, I’m full.” Hankyung announces, leaning back on his seat and glancing at Siwon’s still full plate. “Since I can see that you’re not hungry, don’t you think we should get on to the main show now?”
Siwon blinks. “What?”
Hankyung shrugs. “Well, you know. Now that we’re here, I think it’s time for you to tell me your kinkiest fantasies, and I’ll see what I can do to fulfill it.”
The statement looks like it punches Siwon in the face, and he leans back, big hands wipes over his face. “Can’t… Can’t we just… you know, talk?”
Hankyung refrains from rolling his eyes. Why I am not surprised?
The younger man chooses to ignore the pleading. Slowly, Hankyung rises up from his seat and walks over to where Siwon is still seating, trying hard to ignore that despite his resolution to keep things professional, his heart is beating like mad inside his chest. When he’s near enough, he waits, and curses a few seconds later because Siwon is still not moving, just watching Hankyung with horror on his face.
“Look, I can’t do my job like this, Hyung. Or do you want me to blow you from under the table instead?” Hankyung glances to inspect the said table. “It’ll be a little uncomfortable, but I think I can manage it.” He continues and starts pulling chairs aside to make a way. Suddenly, Siwon’s hand is on his, stopping him from what he’s doing and Hankyung can’t help but closes his eyes at the feel of Siwon’s skin. He silently counts to three before opening them and throws a questioning glare to Siwon.
Siwon swallows visibly, but he doesn’t retract his hands. “It’s… It’s not that I don’t want this, Hankyung. God knows I do. But this is not how I want it to be done.” Siwon’s gaze at Hankyung is deep and filled with emotions as he’s slightly pressing his hands. “Now that I have you here around me once again, this is never how I dreamt it to be done. Can’t you at least spare some time for us to talk things out?”
Hankyung narrows his eyes. “We had a deal, Hyung.” He growls, emphasizing each and every syllable because he’s angry now for so many reasons he can’t even comprehend. Quickly, he reaches out to hold Siwon’s collar and yanks him up, ignoring the loud sound when the chair Siwon was seating on tumbles back due to the force. It isn’t an easy task to do, hauling a man taller than himself up on his feet. But fury always gives Hankyung extra strength, and once he gets Siwon to stand facing him, Hankyung falls down on his knee and works quickly on Siwon’s zipper, pulling it down with efficient fingers.
Siwon feels burning hot inside his grip, already half hard and Hankyung swallows. He feels Siwon’s trying to step back and his grips is hardened mercilessly in his effort to stop him. That earns a growled whimper from the older man. Looking up, Hankyung says with gritted teeth. “Stop acting like a coward. Be a man and take it all or I swear if you don’t let me do my job I’ll fucking bail and leave this damn house before you can even blink.”
Siwon freezes at hearing that, fear and panic in his gaze, and Hankyung takes that chance to give Siwon’s cock a first lick. Siwon’s lips spurt out something that sounds a lot like guh and Hankyung smirks. “Moan if you like because that would be the only kind of conversation we’ll have.” He says before slipping all of Siwon’s cock between his full lips and into the warmth of his mouth like an expert that he is.
Siwon’s hips are starting to buck up as Hankyung bobs his head forward and back, stopping to suck every now and then. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Siwon’s hands falls hard over the side of the table, gripping it hard to get balance. Moans and growls are sounding like they were ripped out of Siwon’s throat and fuck if that doesn’t make Hankyung swallow deeper and suck harder.
Because now he understands it. Now he can see how doing this is torturing Siwon in a way it’s not supposed to be. It is too much and it’s hurting the older man in anyway possible. The realization is only doing nothing but sparking Hankyung up to increase his ministrations on Siwon’s cock, knowing that each string of pleasure Siwon gets is a painful experience; a severe punishment. And Hankyung is determined to make sure Siwon feels the whole misery he can create from his tugging and sucking and lapping over the sensitive flesh he holds captive under his merciless fingers and even more ruthless tongue.
It isn’t long before Siwon’s body shuddering hard, letting out a choking sound when Hankyung sucks him hard one last time and releases his cock out of those swollen lips with a loud pop. Siwon’s hands are gripping the side of the table for support as he’s coming hard all over Hankyung fingers.
For the next few minutes, the only sound heard in the room is Siwon’s racing breath. Hankyung watches blankly as some of the white come is trickling off his fingers onto the floor and he waits. He waits for some sense of satisfaction to kick in inside him.
But there’s none of that. Instead, Hankyung feels very sick like he’s never felt before and he must struggle to keep from throwing up his dinner.
Slowly, he raises his gaze up to look at Siwon’s face. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but what he sees makes his stomach churns horribly.
Siwon is staring at him, eyes all glazed up. And for a moment, they are just trading stares, witnessing how bad they have broken the others. When a bead of tear is finally falling down over Siwon’s toned cheek, Hankyung quickly looks away because the sadness visible inside Siwon’s eyes is just too much for him.
“Hankyung…” Siwon calls out his name after a while in this broken tone and it makes Hankyung scramble to rise up to stand, clears his throat as he is drying the come off his hands on his pants, still refuses to meet Siwon’s eyes.
“I think we’re done here." Hankyung says with hoarse voice. "I’ll just go back to my room.” Without waiting for Siwon’s answer, he turns around and leaves the room.
---00o00---
Siwon looks like he didn’t get any sleep last night. Hankyung revels in the fact that apparently he’s not the only one who is bugged the hell out by the degree of their fucked up situation.
Hankyung really hopes what happened last night would somehow wear Siwon out; stopping him from thinking that whatever it is they have between them can be salvaged. But it looks like Hankyung has to try harder, because Siwon is still there, giving Hankyung a bit cautious but hopeful look as they’re eating their breakfast.
Hankyung slices his sausage fiercely, knowing that he still has long way to go to earn his peace.
“So, what are you planning to do today?” Siwon asks him, breaking the silence.
Hankyung flicks his gaze up at Siwon. Putting his knife and fork down, he reaches the napkin and wipes his mouth. “I’m not really sure. Usually, it’s my client who tells me what to do. You know, the usual ‘bend-over-there-and-take-it’ stuff?” Hankyung shrugs, thrilled to know that Siwon has stupidly given him yet another chance to put some oil into the fire with his question. “What do you want me to do today, Hyung?”
Siwon’s eyes are darkened for a full minute, but if Hankyung’s words get to him, he doesn’t show it further. He just lowers his gaze down back onto his plate and acts like Hankyung doesn’t say a thing.
It looks like this time he refuses to take part in Hankyung’s little ‘i’ll-fuck-you-up’ game. What a shame, Hankyung thinks absentmindedly.
Deciding that this is kind of a boring situation, Hankyung finishes his water and rises up to stand.
“Where are you going?” Siwon asks, looked alarmed.
“Relax. I won’t go anywhere.” Hankyung said casually, checking his watch, and the words he said next are sounded nothing but cynical. “It’s time for you to go to work, Hyung. Don’t be a lazy bum and show up in the office on time like a professional businessman that you are, and I promise I’ll be a good little slut and waits for you to come home.”
Siwon chooses not to reply at that but Hankyung just couldn't care less. He can feel Siwon's eyes on him as he is walking to leave the dining room, his figure disappears behind the door.
---00o00---
To tell the truth, Hankyung is far too ashamed to be standing here in front of his mother’s grave. If only Eun Hwa was still alive, Hankyung couldn’t for the life of him imagine what she would say when she found out what kind of human Hankyung had become. Maybe, she would just look at Hankyung with sadness clouding her beautiful face, and asked why.
Life happens to me, Mother. That’s why, is what Hankyung would have answered. His life, to be more exact, because Hankyung is pretty sure that he’s the only person on earth who is leading such tragic life.
But he has no intention to be all emotional and teary like how he had been the last time he was here. He has learned his lesson after all.
He must never rely on anyone or anything ever again, not even on the comfort of spilling out his misery in front of his beloved mother’s grave. He knows that the only person who can help him is himself.
Smiling bitterly, Hankyung swats some dust and dried leaves from on top of his mother’s tomb. That’s when he hears Siwon’s voice behind him.
“It’s been a long time, is it?”
Hankyung doesn’t answer, doesn’t even bother to turn around. And he is sure as hell isn’t trying to hide the annoyance on his expression.
Siwon steps forward to stand right beside him, and Hankyung almost fidgets at the proximity.
Almost.
“You’re not going to work?” Hankyung asks, crouching down to pluck out some grasses at the bottom of his mother’s tomb. He notices Siwon has already dressed up in his working suit.
“There’s still time.” Siwon answers after a while and his gaze is scalding Hankyung's back.
“Hey,” Siwon said after a few minutes passed, breaking the silence with suddenly cheerful voice. “Remember that apple tree in the middle of the garden right there? We used to climb it up and stayed on top of it for the whole afternoon. We were talking about our dreams until we were running out of words to say, or just playing our cloud game to see who could get free back rub later in bath time.” He chuckles. “And then Mom would found out. She would call out to us with worries in her face and ended up giving us a long lecture and scowling for the whole night. But we would still do it again the next day.”
Hankyung turns his gaze towards the garden on the side. His eyes find the said tree and for a moment he doesn’t say anything.
“Nope, I don’t.” Hankyung finally replies with a lie, putting his attention back to the grasses below, shrugging. “The only vivid thing I can recall from that garden is that those shady trees there had always been a good place to hide from your father, even if it’s only for a while.”
Hankyung said the words casually, almost monotone without any hints of venom. But still, as the meaning of the sentence sinks in inside Siwon’s mind, the older man’s face is scrunched right up with regret.
“God, Hankyung…” Siwon stutters, the cheerful voice is gone, replaced with this broken and torn up ones. “I didn’t know. I really didn’t.”
Hankyung’s hands’ movements are halted for a moment when he hears that. He kind of feels like slapping his own mouth, because the direction of where this conversation is leading is definitely not what he had in mind when he spurted out the statement. He simply wanted to create an awkward atmosphere to get Siwon to shut up and just leave him alone.
Gritting his teeth, Hankyung decides to ignore Siwon completely and resumes on doing his grass-plucking.
“Back then, I was too wrapped up inside my own feelings. I was trying so hard that I couldn’t see anything else.” Siwon continues, sounds distant and hurting. “How I wished things weren’t the way they are, Hankyung. If you only knew how I regret those years back so much.”
Hankyung’s fingers are unconsciously forming a fist. Great, now the bastard just won’t stop blabbing.
Hankyung really can’t stand it: those excuses Siwon just keeps throwing at him. Hearing them is only fueling up his anger more, and the next thing he knows is he’s growling at Siwon to shut up.
It brings the silence back, until Siwon says something that pulls Hankyung’s attention on him.
“I hate him.”
Hankyung is looking at Siwon past his shoulder. Standing there blocking the morning sun, Siwon’s figure is forming a silhouette. His face is facing left, staring at something somewhere behind his mother’s tomb. Hankyung shivers because even when he can’t see Siwon’s expression clearly, he can feel something dark radiating from Siwon’s body. Following the direction of Siwon’s gaze, Hankyung realizes that the older man is staring at Min Woo’s grave.
“I tried not to think about it, Hankyung. What he did and how he had destroyed almost everything and everyone around him without me realizing even the slightest bit of it. God, how I hate him for those.” Siwon's wavering voice holds in so many disappointments, questions -- fulminations. “He is my father. He was the person I looked up to. Always had been. And at first I was trying to deny what’s already clear. But no matter how I shut my mind closed, the truth will always be there, poking my head and constantly nagging. And I can’t help the way this hatred for him has been growing inside me since then. It’s so contradictory from how I used to be that it hurts, but that’s the truth. I loathe my own father and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The statement surprised Hankyung. And somewhere inside, his heart is clenching with grieve. Because he fucking knows how Siwon used to feel about his own father. Hell, it was one of the main problems that had landed them in this mess they’re in right now.
But as much as he regrets how things had become, Hankyung has been through enough shit and he can no longer bring himself to care. He rises up to stand, flinging the plucked grass in his grips aside. His voice is full of calm menace when he says, “Don’t be too harsh on him Hyung. Because if you can see how many similarities you two share, you’d end up hating yourself too.”
Hankyung is about to walk away when suddenly Siwon’s grip catches his hand, stopping him.
Staring at those strong fingers circling his wrist, Hankyung turns his gaze at Siwon and tries not to flinch at all those shadows he’s witnessing swirling inside Siwon’s eyes.
“I have. ” Siwon says, his voice is thick with emotions. “Can’t you see it, Hankyung? I can’t even look straight into my reflection in the mirror now without wanting to throw up. What you said back then in the hospital had made me realized how I had become too much like my father. And I’ve abhorred myself since then, more than you can imagine. Because I know that I am worse than him. At least my father was brave enough to die with his sins. To get what he deserves and take whatever punishment hell delivers onto him.”
Hankyung can feel the grip on his wrist is tightening.
“But I am not like that, not at all. I made terrible mistakes just like my father did, but I’m still trying to make you forgive and forget. I’m still persevering to get my life back, struggling to reach my long lost happiness. I still want you to be by my side, just like how I always do.”
Hankyung is too caught up in his own emotion that he doesn’t even realize it when Siwon takes one step closer towards him, his red-rimmed eyes cautiously watches him. And he continues in this voice so low that it’s almost like a whisper. “I am nothing like my father. I’m much more shameless and selfish and greedy and I despise myself for it. But isn’t that how humans are? We always think that we are the most perfect creature God had ever created, but the fact is we are so full of flaws. We make mistakes, we’re doing things we’re not proud of, and at the end of the day we’ll realize what we’ve done wrong and get down on our knees to beg for second chance. Just like what I’m trying to do to you now.”
Hankyung grits his teeth. “I’m not God, Hyung. Take your begging for forgiveness somewhere else.” He shakes his hand, trying to break free. But Siwon just won’t let go.
“I screwed up, so I’m not God either.” Siwon replies, soft and repentant but is still annoyingly determined. “You need to think about it, Hankyung. I’m just a human. A remarkably low and unbearably horrible human. And we all know that my biggest sin is not to God. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why no matter what you do, I will never give up.”
Hankyung doesn’t respond to that, simply looks away and it makes Siwon get even more frustrated. “Look, all I’m saying is… Can’t we… just start over? I know we can do it. It’ll be hard. And nothing will be like how it used to, but we’ll manage. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do everything to chalk up our past into mere bad memories. I’ll make you happy. I’ll make us happy. All you have to do is just give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.”
Saying those, Siwon waits. Because Hankyung still refuses to look at him, just staring somewhere at the side with his jaws tightened. Then he finally turns to look at Siwon, only to give him this long unreadable look.
Siwon is already on the edge of his toes now, thinking he must soon be driven crazy by all this hope and expectation inside him. But after a while, Siwon is dreading at the way Hankyung’s mouth slowly forms this bitter and sad smile, face all scrunched up and broken.
“No, Hyung.” Hankyung’s lower lip is trembling as he says it and Siwon holds this urge to scream and shake Hankyung’s shoulder hard because he just doesn’t know what else he should do anymore.
“Hankyung..,” Siwon pleads, feeling like he has lost it. Desperation is clearly showed in his face. “Please, Hankyung... Please, just listen to me.” And then he lets Hankyung’s hand go, just so he can reaches out and holds both Hankyung’s cheek with his palms, dying with this need to be connected to Hankyung in any way.
Hankyung shakes his head, panic at the sudden closeness. Anger starts to seep inside him due to Siwon’s perseverance and roughly he pushes Siwon away, scrambling to step back and looked like he's terrified beyond words.
“Stop it.” Hankyung hisses, backing away another step when Siwon tries to shorten the distance between them. “Stop this, dammit, or I swear to God I’ll do what I did to you last night right here in front of our parents’ graves just to make you shut up.”
And that does it.
Siwon freezes on the spot at hearing the threat. Hankyung blinks, and a tear is falling over his cheek. “Go.” Whispering, Hankyung shuts his eyes closed in his effort to control his emotion. “Please, Hyung. Just… leave me alone.” He pleads, followed by silence.
Hankyung isn’t sure how many minutes have passed, but when he finally opens his eyes again, Siwon is already gone. That’s when he finally allows his feet to give up, his body slumps down heavily onto the grass.
The fear makes him feel so weak and tired, and he seriously thinks that he really can’t do this any further. He thought he could. But he can’t.
It’s far too dangerous, because even then, he was almost swayed by Siwon’s words. He was so close to believe that good things can still happen to him. All hopes and dreams of life and love he had buried deep inside him almost surged up, and it almost led him to be once again trapped inside an illusion. He said no but the truth is he almost -he had wanted to-- said yes.
His logic was kicking in on the last second and Hankyung feels relieved. But he might not be that lucky next time.
However, Hankyung realizes he has no other option but to bear with it. He had agreed and he must do anything he can to survive this one month. Because he knows if he decides to bail, Siwon will never learn that what he’s trying to do is just pointless. That bastard will keep chasing him to the end of the world. Siwon is too fucking persistent like that.
If he leaves now, he’ll never get his peace. And that thought scares him even more.
Taking deep breaths, Hankyung gathers his strength and rises up to stand.
---00o00---
What happened in the morning takes its toll on both of them in the night. And after three days of living the same pattern, Siwon’s too tired and too angry to fight back. So tonight he helplessly decides to be on the same page with Hankyung.
Siwon isn’t cornered against any dining table this time. They’ve moved past that. They didn’t want to risk being caught up by some random servant in this kind of fucked up situations after all. Instead, Siwon’s back is plastered on one side of the wall inside his study and kneeling before him is Hankyung, once again working his way into Siwon’s pants.
He can only remember vaguely how they ended up here. There is always a lot of silence and not much of a conversation in the beginning, and the next thing he knows is the feel of Hankyung’s heated grip around him.
Siwon reaches out and runs his fingers over Hankyung's hair before tugging it roughly to get that mouth closer, silently urging the younger man to just get on with it already. He can see Hankyung's eyes glisten in annoyance, seems like he's a little surprised to see Siwon being this rough and eager. Almost like he's daring Hankyung to completely destroy him.
But Siwon pays no attention and just shuts his eyes closed. Desperation and anger that has been piling up for days makes Siwon refuse to be compliant. Compliance doesn’t work and it seems like anything else doesn’t either and Siwon is barely hanging on to his sanity.
This wall Hankyung has built around him is far too high and the way Hankyung keeps giving him stubborn rejections over and over again is getting too much for Siwon.
He knows it only has been almost a week since he brought Hankyung back. He knows he should have had more patience.
But patience has never been one of Siwon’s virtues, especially when he almost runs out of time. There are already too few options of methods and even fewer choices of words available for Siwon in his effort to set things right. And within a week, Hankyung had forced him to use up all of them for nothing.
Siwon couldn’t help but feeling desperate, and when Hankyung starts doing that thing he does with his tongue, he has no choice but to thrust up eagerly --almost violent-- until he hears Hankyung make this choking sound. Ignoring it, Siwon eases himself down into into the heavenly heat that is Hankyung’s mouth and tries his hardest to empty his mind while he’s at it.
This is what Hankyung wants. This is the only thing Hankyung is willing to give him for now. It’s the only thing Siwon can do to make Hankyung stay. So Siwon takes what he can get.
However, to be getting off on this is a totally different case from actually feeling good about it. Because each time the pleasure ripples inside Siwon, it also breaks him into pieces. Each pleasant wave is a cruel reminder to what Siwon had lost and hadn’t yet regained. The way they’re always doing this so heartlessly is throwing him into such depth of despair and Siwon shuts his eyes closed as tightly as he could to prevent the tears that have been welling up on his eyes from falling.
Hankyung is tugging and sucking in all the right places and pretty soon, hopeless as he always has been towards Hankyung’s skillful touches, Siwon is tightening his fists when he feels the heat build inside him fast. When it finally explodes, his brain automatically shuts down at the unbearable pressure, makes him sees and feels nothing but stars and white hot bliss as he’s letting out this feral groan and comes all over Hankyung’s hand.
The feel of tears is cold against the heated skin of his cheeks.
---00o00---
Later that night, Siwon is still pacing back and forth in his study, lost inside his thought.
Judging from zero development he acquired on the situation he has with Hankyung, Siwon can easily picture how they will spend the rest of their days together just like this: tension and anger in the day, lust and desperation in the night. Destroying each other with nothing accomplished. Siwon’s heart is clenching painfully just by imagining the prospect of it.
Reality shows that he’s driven into the corner now and he realizes he must do something, think of anything he can do to stop this vicious cycle.
And that’s when that idea hits him.
He has thought of it before and to be honest, at first he didn’t like the idea even for a bit. Not that it’s different now because if he seriously considers on carrying it out, then there won’t be just the two of them in this matter anymore.
There’ll be three.
And as much as he respects and trusts that third party, Siwon is far too deprived of Hankyung’s attention to share.
But from where Siwon sees it, he has no options left. It is the only way. If by doing so he can earn Hankyung’s favor back, Siwon would be more than willing to suck it up.
The sound of clock ticking is clearly heard in the quiet house and it had been hours since Hankyung casually wiped up his fingers covered with Siwon’s cum all over his pants and retreated to his room with solemn expression on his face. Siwon’s face is burrowed when the memory of it plays inside his head over and over again.
With heavy steps Siwon approaches his desk. He’s unconsciously gnawing on his lower lip, even as he hesitantly picks up the phone receiver and dials. He's listening to the ringing on the other side of the line for a whole minute and flinches when finally a raspy and hoarse voice is heard through the receiver. “Fuck, Siwon, it’s fucking midnight. You’d better be dying or is having your house burnt to the ground as we speak. Or else I swear I’ll come over and kill you in the morning for making this shitty call.”
Siwon doesn’t reply, jaws tightening for some more seconds -his last attempt of contemplation-- before clearing his throat and reluctantly speaks in a low voice.
“Heechul-hyung, I need your help.”
TBC
PS: Comments are ultimately appreciated. To tell the truth, re-reading comments are the only thing that keeps me from raising a white flag and just giving up on this story completely. So, yeah, comments are priceless.
But, considering how I've become such a jerk for stalling my updates, maybe I don't deserve any. Or, you know, whatever. I'm just sorry for being a disappointment to my readers. T__________T
Those of you who are still on board with me: Thank You. I hope you'll like this one too, BBs.
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.