[Series]The Story of Hurting and Healing, chapter 5
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, still PG13 for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, KangHyuk, very minor SiChul.
Word Count : 3695 words for this chapter.
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author’s note: I got scolded a lot in the last chapters for posting so short update. LOL
So here it is: chapter 5. I hope it'll suffice and it better will coz I've racked my brain in doing it. LOL
Thanks so much for your comments. Means a WHOLE lot to me. :D
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 & 4
Fire flickers every now and then in the fireplace and Siwon’s eyes follow its dance-like movements absentmindedly.
His right hand, which is holding a glass of whisky, tenses and tightens its grip. Heechul’s words echoing in his head: Weren’t both of you really close once? What happened?
Siwon snorts. It’s amusing to imagine what Heechul-hyung will say when he tells him what sells it. He winces. As usual, he gets a migraine every time he thinks about this subject. And it’s not just his head. His heart also throbs painfully.
Bonding brothers won’t betray one another, Heechul-hyung. They also will never commit such an ungrateful act. They’ll never turn away from family. They’ll never cause such deathly pain to their own father.
Siwon sloshes the whisky into his throat, grateful for the burn it causes. Yeah, that’s what happened. He did everything a bonding brothers mustn’t do. And he left me to mourn at the damage.
Even now, Siwon still doesn’t understand what made Hankyung decide to leave this family. And it tears him apart. At times like this, his mind will wanders back into the past, about three years ago.
Hankyung and he used to be so close that sometimes he felt Hankyung was in his skin, somewhere deep within. And Siwon didn’t know exactly when he started to fall in love with him.
But he knew exactly why he avoided Hankyung in the first place.
Siwon knew that Hankyung would do anything he wanted and desired. His sweet affection towards Siwon is a dangerous temptation, and he knew Hankyung’s affection for him had no boundaries.
Hankyung adored him and doted on him, and Siwon could feel that even if what Siwon wanted is for his luscious lips to swell under his; or for him to stretch on his stomach on Siwon’s bed while he pounded into him senselessly, Hankyung would do so willingly. With a smile on his face, saying “It’s okay, Hyung.” and “I love you, Hyung.” like he always said, over and over again.
It would have been extremely easy to satisfy his lust. But Siwon knew that that was not what he wanted.
He wanted Hankyung to feel the same for him. He wanted Hankyung’s eyes to glaze over with desire for him. He wanted Hankyung to love him like he loved Hankyung: raw and primal and definitely not brotherly.
But that’s not how it went. No matter how much Hankyung loved Siwon, Hankyung must be too scared to pop the happy family bubble he was in.
Hankyung’s beautiful mother, Sung Eun Hwa was actually a Chinese who only had a father left as her only family. She met his first husband, Sung Soo Joon who was a lonesome trader, when she was 13 and got married with him three months later. Soo Joon only gives Eun Hwa two weeks to be near her father for the last time because after that he had to move back to Korea to take care of his family business and Eun Hwa had to say good bye to the Mainland of China where she was born. But she was happy because Soo Joon was nothing but a wonderful husband and a good father for their son, Sung Hankyung. Eun Hwa once even told him that Soo Joon had allowed her to give Hankyung a Chinese name, which is: Hangeng.
But Soo Joon died from heart attack when Hankyung turned 5, and so Hankyung suddenly became fatherless. Eun Hwa’s father had also died a year before, so Eun Hwa had to work hard for the life of her and Hankyung since Soo Joon’s family didn’t want to acknowledge Hankyung’s and her status as Soo Joon’s wife and kid and kicked both of them out of the family house two weeks after Soo Joon’s death.
That was why, Hankyung had always yearned for a complete and happy family ever since. And Siwon understood that Hankyung was very happy, even happier than Siwon, when he entered the Choi family with his mother.
Siwon knew it would be selfish of him to make Hankyung ruined his own happiness.
His love is true and his love is real, and he will not take less than having Hankyung forever by his side as his lover. But it would also mean denying their father and mother’s wish for them to get married with decent women. It’d ruin the balance of the family, and maybe even tear this family apart.
And Siwon couldn’t stand watching Hankyung take all of that for Siwon’s sake, though he knew Hankyung would never complain.
That’s the reason Siwon decided to distance himself from him.
Harsh and cruel, he knew, and even more so for Hankyung.
Often he saw a glimpse of loneliness and hurt in Hankyung’s eyes when he avoided him like hell. Especially the night he announced to the family he would stay in university dorm. He could still feel Hankyung’s gaze towards him, pleading and crumbling, confused to no end of his extreme retrieval. Almost made him cancel the plan and hug Hankyung instead.
Almost. But it was for the best. That was what he thought.
But even after much dodging around his brother, staying so far away from his warmth in order to control the horrible love and lust he has towards his brother, he was faced with the fact that his feelings and his desire would not fade away and disappear with time.
They were getting even stronger, and worse, mixed with desperation they grew without inhibition.
It was just two days after Hankyung’s graduation from high school. A graduation Siwon chose to miss… for at that time he was still struggling with his hidden desire.
But then the struggle ended with him losing, forcing him to face the reality and accept that he was still indeed, desperately in love with his brother.
There’s no way out of this love he had towards his brother. And he’ll stop running away from it. And that’s when he decided, he would go back home, mending his self-damaged relationship with Hankyung. And for God’s sake, he would coax Hankyung to accept his love, no matter what it took, no matter how long.
He would make Hankyung understand that ever since Siwon entered the world of sexuality and silent jerk-offs each night on his bed, it was always Hankyung that he imagined was splayed under him, writhing and moaning and losing himself to him.
He would make Hankyung understand that he had already tried to be sensible, to bury his feelings deep inside, to keep his relationship with Hankyung pure, and to keep Hankyung on the right path only to fail miserably.
So now he will be selfish and he will take Hankyung into his embrace, no matter what the consequences. He couldn’t afford it to be any other way. He had tried, and gotten nothing out of it except misery.
And he was sure as hell that Hankyung wasn’t in any better condition. The memory of the last time they had met during Eun Hwa’s funeral a week ago was bothering him. It looked like someone had taken Hankyung’s life away and left him practically looking like an empty shell. He didn’t talk at all; he didn’t budge from his seat after the funeral, ignoring the flood of mourners who were eager to show him their sympathy.
It had made Siwon’s heart ache. He had really wanted to cross the room and sweep Hankyung into a tight hug. To tell him that everything would be alright. To let him know that he would always be there for him.
But halfway towards Hankyung, his mind stopped him.
He still held his resolution tightly at that time. That’s why fear suddenly ran through him for he wasn’t sure he could control himself when Hankyung was in his arms. Worse, he could end up kissing Hankyung for all he knew
So he stopped his step, froze when Hankyung’s eyes met his. Those beautiful eyes held so much sadness and so pitiful, and in some ways, those eyes looked at him filled with expectation, silently pleading Siwon to come to him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be fine. Those eyes were so intent that Siwon had to grit his teeth and look away before his resolution crumbling to the ground.
Hankyung needed a brother at the moment, not a lustful and perverted bastard who couldn’t keep his perverse desires inside his pants.
Convinced that he could not give Hankyung what he needed, Siwon decided to walk out of the room, to get some fresh air in hopes of refreshing his mind. But he could still feel Hankyung’s eyes following his every step outside the door.
Siwon really wanted to cry to know that once again he had betrayed that faithful gaze that always reserved for him only. Even before Eun Hwa passed away, every some time when he would go back home for holidays, he would find Hankyung a little skinnier, the light in his eyes duller, yet his gaze towards Siwon didn’t falter.
This tore Siwon up for no matter what happens in the future ahead of them, one thing Siwon knew for sure: one day when he finally surrenders to his need for Hankyung, his love won’t make Hankyung look that empty and sad.
No way.
He would make sure that there is no more grief and sadness would mar that beautiful face.
And so here Siwon was, two days after Hankyung’s graduation, packing his things, determined to end this useless struggle and go back home to fix this, to fix Hankyung and him.
But then one phone call from his father in the middle of his packing destroyed everything.
That one phone call got him scrambling back home.
“Hankyung left home.” Those words of his father on the phone left him dumbfounded.
“Siwon… he’s gone.”
And then it was all getting blurry. It was like Siwon was inside a nightmare and couldn’t bring himself to wake. He felt numb as his family chauffeur, hastily drove the Royce taking him home.
When he got home, the first thing he did was asked his father for details.
Choi Min Woo, seemed older than he was that gloomy afternoon, explained that this morning he couldn’t find Hankyung anywhere in the house and then the maid found a note tucked under Hankyung’s pillow.
I am leaving. Thanks for everything.
Hankyung’s handwriting looked so neat on the paper as if he had planned this from the get go and already set his heart on it. And that was it. There was nothing more written on the goddamn paper. It didn’t even say to whom the words were written.
Siwon still remembers how the paper felt in his palm when he crunched it. His mind was full of confusion and sadness when it was finally dawned on him that Hankyung, his Hankyung, was gone. Hankyung had left the house, left this family, left him, to go to God knows where.
But why?
Wild thoughts kept circling inside his head. But none of them made sense.
And things got even worse after that.
His father and he, each, formed their own search party. His father’s consisted of famous private detectives and police forces; his consisted of friends and families, Hankyung’s and his.
Both parties literally plundered the town, both with their own hypotheses and predictions of where Hankyung might be found. But they didn’t find a thing. Not even a trace. It was like Hankyung had dropped off the face of the earth.
Days turned into months, until finally all that was left was despair and frustration for both sides. Finally, they decided to stop the search.
Siwon thought that he was the only one wanting to die of the feeling of losing and regret. Regret for his too late attempt to hold Hankyung in his arms. But apparently he thought wrong. He wasn’t the only one with wounds.
His father fell into serious sickness a few days after they stopped searching.
Siwon knew his father loved Hankyung. He was Eun Hwa’s son, for God’s sake. But Siwon also knew that if Siwon didn’t know any better, he would think that his father favored Hankyung more than him.
Ever since Sung Eun Hwa stepped her feet inside this house, little Hankyung standing behind her and clutching to her gown, looking so adorably cute, his father’s life had never been the same.
It was like a new and cool breeze was flown to the family. Siwon noticed that his father had perked up. His spirit doubled, and he doted on Hankyung so much that Siwon sometimes almost felt jealous.
Well, almost.
Because Siwon knew his father loved him all the same in a different way.
He raised Siwon with a sense and warmth of a friend, a tutor, someone Siwon would always respect and someone who would always be with him and support him on his journey through life. Siwon would always love him for those reasons. After his birth-mother died in an accident, Siwon knew his father did everything he could to make sure Siwon could stand on his own two feet, not forgetting to show his love to Siwon here and there along the way.
But his father raised Hankyung in a sense of endless admiration, in ways one would treat his beloved treasure, spoiling him to no end, no matter what Hankyung said or did. His father would always try so hard to show Hankyung his love.
So it wasn’t really a surprise to see his father’s condition drop rapidly, physically and mentally, after Hankyung left.
His father was losing his sleep, his appetite, and his desire to live. His grief ate him from the inside, and soon he was forced to lie on his bed all day due to sickness.
It pained Siwon in so many ways. It was already something he couldn’t get over when finally the realization of Hankyung left was sank in. But it seemed like his misery was doubled over seeing the way his father’s eyes so empty, while his mouth whispered Hankyung’s name every now and then.
Siwon barely had time to sit and mourn, because as the only child left, he had to take care of his family business in the place of his now immobile father. He also still had to finish his half year left of business school, because it would do nothing good for him to drop out at a time like this. Choi family needed a successor and ever since he graduated from elementary school, his father had prepared him to take that position.
He also had to check up on his father’s condition regularly, consult his doctor about the condition, made sure that he took his meds, or sometimes just sit beside his father’s bed, holding his now bony hands, listen in sadness as his father talked about Hankyung in tears, get an earful about how much his father loved Hankyung and answer his endless questions about whether Hankyung had come back. More than often, he had to hold back his own tears when his father, under the influence of his meds, looked at him under glazing eyes, and say “Why are you here? Where is Hankyung? My Hankyung?” or “I want to see Hankyung. Why do I keep seeing you here? I want Hankyung.”
Yes, it wasn’t really a surprise to see his father’s grief had sent him to his worst condition.
But it was shocking and wounding to Siwon who sat there beside his father, holding his hands while his father kept ranting about Hankyung in a way that made Siwon felt that it would have been splendid for his father if it was he who had left, that it would have been just fine to his father if it was Hankyung holding his arms while Siwon was somewhere out there.
Choi Min Woo loved Hankyung dearly and Siwon never got so worked up about it since he was certain that his father loved him just the same but in totally different ways. But at times like these, sitting beside his father, listened to him talking about nothing or no one but Hankyung, not even once bothering to ask how Siwon was holding up, Siwon no longer held this confidence.
At the end, tossed around between his heightened responsibility of family business, his final thesis, his loss of Hankyung, the grief of his father’s worsen condition, and the growing anxiety and jealousy of his father’s love towards Hankyung: Siwon changed.
It wasn’t a pleasant change, but he changed none the less.
He stopped looking for comfort from his father. He had been there, done that, but he got nothing more than disappointment.
He started to push away all his misery and pain inside his deepest sub consciousness, and focusing at school and work. He graduated cum laude, and successfully carried on his family business to a whole new level of glory. He even owns his own business empire now, built with his own money and his own sweat, apart from his father’s inherited business. And as an owner of a fast growing corporation and a CEO of another already established corporation, his name soon became famous in the business world.
He would find a lay here and there; there were a lot of willing and wanton hot male executives in his circle who were ready to spread their legs to him only seconds after hearing the name Choi. But after several convenient fucks, he would end it and continually ignored the desperate phone calls that followed after, already heading onto his next conquest.
To sum it all up, he changed into a cold, rich jerk. And he blamed Hankyung for all of it.
For Siwon, that was his biggest change.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that it wasn’t fair for him to put all the blame on Hankyung. But Siwon felt like he couldn’t help it.
The reason for Hankyung’s leaving his family is still beyond him. In those nights, when he laid on his bed, too tired to stop his thoughts from wandering, he would think of many possible reasons for Hankyung’s departure. But none of them made sense.
Siwon didn’t mean to become a calculating bastard, but Hankyung owes Choi family, for Christ sake!
Siwon knew that his father had courted Eun Hwa for a long time. And the feeling was mutual between them at the time. But for some reason, Eun Hwa was reluctant to accept his father’s proposal of marriage. Only when her financial situation got worse and worse, to the point where they would starve for days due to the lack of money, did Eun Hwa accept the proposition.
After the marriage, Eun Hwa and Hankyung moved to Choi’s residence. And not even once had his father or Siwon treated them badly. Siwon accepted them as a family. His father loved Eun Hwa and loved Hankyung even more. They lived happily, at least until Siwon realized his feelings towards Hankyung.
But even when he kept his distance from Hankyung and maintained a cold composure around him, never once did he hurt Hankyung for no reason. Except for several encounters that forced him to raise his voice to kept Hankyung from being too close to him, Siwon never treated Hankyung badly.
Of course his avoidance saddened Hankyung, but Siwon had to do it to avoid a worse outcome. And his father’s treatment of Hankyung was out of the question. He spoiled him to no end. Even though Hankyung always seemed reluctant and awkward in receiving his father’s attention, his father treated Hankyung special none the less.
When Eun Hwa was ill, his father gave her the best medical treatment available and had the best doctor in town in charge of her condition, although sadly she still couldn’t make it in the end.
With all those facts considered, Siwon feels that Hankyung had no reason whatsoever to treat Siwon and his father this way. They didn’t deserve what Hankyung had done to them. Hankyung had no right to abandon them just like that.
All of those thoughts, combined with the horrible situation he was in ever since Hankyung left, was adding to his bitterness and resentment towards his step brother.
Siwon couldn’t help the feeling that Hankyung is the one responsible for his father’s illness.
Hankyung fucking knew that his father loved him dearly. He should have known that there was no way his father would be okay with him leaving. But still, he left; leaving his father, hell, THEIR father, nailed to his bed by his illness and sadness, before finally took his last breath with Hankyung’s name on his lips.
And Siwon was left to pick up the pieces.
But truth be told, that was not even the worst part.
The truth is, that no matter how much Siwon hates Hankyung and no matter how much grief Hankyung has caused, Siwon still loves him.
It was still Hankyung’s name and Hankyung’s face that is etched in his mind every time he got careless and let himself think of his feelings.
It was still Hankyung that occupied his thought every time he thrust into another body of a man whose name he didn’t even remember.
And it pained Siwon in so many new levels.
After Hankyung left, there had been too many feelings colliding and conflicting inside him. His longing, his lust, and his love clashed with his hatred, his regret, and his loyalty to his father.
Siwon thinks of Hankyung as a family traitor for leaving them. That’s why Siwon felt a tremendous anger at his love for Hankyung, because that would mean a disloyalty towards his father’s memory. And since disloyalty is unacceptable for Siwon, he resented himself and resented Hankyung even more.
So yes, Siwon changed.
But one thing still remains the same. He must still kept his love for Hankyung away deep inside the darkness of his heart. Even when the reasons are totally different now, it still breaks him on the inside none the less.
TBC
PS: As usual, a comment if you like will means a lot to me. :D
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, still PG13 for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, KangHyuk, very minor SiChul.
Word Count : 3695 words for this chapter.
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author’s note: I got scolded a lot in the last chapters for posting so short update. LOL
So here it is: chapter 5. I hope it'll suffice and it better will coz I've racked my brain in doing it. LOL
Thanks so much for your comments. Means a WHOLE lot to me. :D
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 & 4
Fire flickers every now and then in the fireplace and Siwon’s eyes follow its dance-like movements absentmindedly.
His right hand, which is holding a glass of whisky, tenses and tightens its grip. Heechul’s words echoing in his head: Weren’t both of you really close once? What happened?
Siwon snorts. It’s amusing to imagine what Heechul-hyung will say when he tells him what sells it. He winces. As usual, he gets a migraine every time he thinks about this subject. And it’s not just his head. His heart also throbs painfully.
Bonding brothers won’t betray one another, Heechul-hyung. They also will never commit such an ungrateful act. They’ll never turn away from family. They’ll never cause such deathly pain to their own father.
Siwon sloshes the whisky into his throat, grateful for the burn it causes. Yeah, that’s what happened. He did everything a bonding brothers mustn’t do. And he left me to mourn at the damage.
Even now, Siwon still doesn’t understand what made Hankyung decide to leave this family. And it tears him apart. At times like this, his mind will wanders back into the past, about three years ago.
Hankyung and he used to be so close that sometimes he felt Hankyung was in his skin, somewhere deep within. And Siwon didn’t know exactly when he started to fall in love with him.
But he knew exactly why he avoided Hankyung in the first place.
Siwon knew that Hankyung would do anything he wanted and desired. His sweet affection towards Siwon is a dangerous temptation, and he knew Hankyung’s affection for him had no boundaries.
Hankyung adored him and doted on him, and Siwon could feel that even if what Siwon wanted is for his luscious lips to swell under his; or for him to stretch on his stomach on Siwon’s bed while he pounded into him senselessly, Hankyung would do so willingly. With a smile on his face, saying “It’s okay, Hyung.” and “I love you, Hyung.” like he always said, over and over again.
It would have been extremely easy to satisfy his lust. But Siwon knew that that was not what he wanted.
He wanted Hankyung to feel the same for him. He wanted Hankyung’s eyes to glaze over with desire for him. He wanted Hankyung to love him like he loved Hankyung: raw and primal and definitely not brotherly.
But that’s not how it went. No matter how much Hankyung loved Siwon, Hankyung must be too scared to pop the happy family bubble he was in.
Hankyung’s beautiful mother, Sung Eun Hwa was actually a Chinese who only had a father left as her only family. She met his first husband, Sung Soo Joon who was a lonesome trader, when she was 13 and got married with him three months later. Soo Joon only gives Eun Hwa two weeks to be near her father for the last time because after that he had to move back to Korea to take care of his family business and Eun Hwa had to say good bye to the Mainland of China where she was born. But she was happy because Soo Joon was nothing but a wonderful husband and a good father for their son, Sung Hankyung. Eun Hwa once even told him that Soo Joon had allowed her to give Hankyung a Chinese name, which is: Hangeng.
But Soo Joon died from heart attack when Hankyung turned 5, and so Hankyung suddenly became fatherless. Eun Hwa’s father had also died a year before, so Eun Hwa had to work hard for the life of her and Hankyung since Soo Joon’s family didn’t want to acknowledge Hankyung’s and her status as Soo Joon’s wife and kid and kicked both of them out of the family house two weeks after Soo Joon’s death.
That was why, Hankyung had always yearned for a complete and happy family ever since. And Siwon understood that Hankyung was very happy, even happier than Siwon, when he entered the Choi family with his mother.
Siwon knew it would be selfish of him to make Hankyung ruined his own happiness.
His love is true and his love is real, and he will not take less than having Hankyung forever by his side as his lover. But it would also mean denying their father and mother’s wish for them to get married with decent women. It’d ruin the balance of the family, and maybe even tear this family apart.
And Siwon couldn’t stand watching Hankyung take all of that for Siwon’s sake, though he knew Hankyung would never complain.
That’s the reason Siwon decided to distance himself from him.
Harsh and cruel, he knew, and even more so for Hankyung.
Often he saw a glimpse of loneliness and hurt in Hankyung’s eyes when he avoided him like hell. Especially the night he announced to the family he would stay in university dorm. He could still feel Hankyung’s gaze towards him, pleading and crumbling, confused to no end of his extreme retrieval. Almost made him cancel the plan and hug Hankyung instead.
Almost. But it was for the best. That was what he thought.
But even after much dodging around his brother, staying so far away from his warmth in order to control the horrible love and lust he has towards his brother, he was faced with the fact that his feelings and his desire would not fade away and disappear with time.
They were getting even stronger, and worse, mixed with desperation they grew without inhibition.
It was just two days after Hankyung’s graduation from high school. A graduation Siwon chose to miss… for at that time he was still struggling with his hidden desire.
But then the struggle ended with him losing, forcing him to face the reality and accept that he was still indeed, desperately in love with his brother.
There’s no way out of this love he had towards his brother. And he’ll stop running away from it. And that’s when he decided, he would go back home, mending his self-damaged relationship with Hankyung. And for God’s sake, he would coax Hankyung to accept his love, no matter what it took, no matter how long.
He would make Hankyung understand that ever since Siwon entered the world of sexuality and silent jerk-offs each night on his bed, it was always Hankyung that he imagined was splayed under him, writhing and moaning and losing himself to him.
He would make Hankyung understand that he had already tried to be sensible, to bury his feelings deep inside, to keep his relationship with Hankyung pure, and to keep Hankyung on the right path only to fail miserably.
So now he will be selfish and he will take Hankyung into his embrace, no matter what the consequences. He couldn’t afford it to be any other way. He had tried, and gotten nothing out of it except misery.
And he was sure as hell that Hankyung wasn’t in any better condition. The memory of the last time they had met during Eun Hwa’s funeral a week ago was bothering him. It looked like someone had taken Hankyung’s life away and left him practically looking like an empty shell. He didn’t talk at all; he didn’t budge from his seat after the funeral, ignoring the flood of mourners who were eager to show him their sympathy.
It had made Siwon’s heart ache. He had really wanted to cross the room and sweep Hankyung into a tight hug. To tell him that everything would be alright. To let him know that he would always be there for him.
But halfway towards Hankyung, his mind stopped him.
He still held his resolution tightly at that time. That’s why fear suddenly ran through him for he wasn’t sure he could control himself when Hankyung was in his arms. Worse, he could end up kissing Hankyung for all he knew
So he stopped his step, froze when Hankyung’s eyes met his. Those beautiful eyes held so much sadness and so pitiful, and in some ways, those eyes looked at him filled with expectation, silently pleading Siwon to come to him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be fine. Those eyes were so intent that Siwon had to grit his teeth and look away before his resolution crumbling to the ground.
Hankyung needed a brother at the moment, not a lustful and perverted bastard who couldn’t keep his perverse desires inside his pants.
Convinced that he could not give Hankyung what he needed, Siwon decided to walk out of the room, to get some fresh air in hopes of refreshing his mind. But he could still feel Hankyung’s eyes following his every step outside the door.
Siwon really wanted to cry to know that once again he had betrayed that faithful gaze that always reserved for him only. Even before Eun Hwa passed away, every some time when he would go back home for holidays, he would find Hankyung a little skinnier, the light in his eyes duller, yet his gaze towards Siwon didn’t falter.
This tore Siwon up for no matter what happens in the future ahead of them, one thing Siwon knew for sure: one day when he finally surrenders to his need for Hankyung, his love won’t make Hankyung look that empty and sad.
No way.
He would make sure that there is no more grief and sadness would mar that beautiful face.
And so here Siwon was, two days after Hankyung’s graduation, packing his things, determined to end this useless struggle and go back home to fix this, to fix Hankyung and him.
But then one phone call from his father in the middle of his packing destroyed everything.
That one phone call got him scrambling back home.
“Hankyung left home.” Those words of his father on the phone left him dumbfounded.
“Siwon… he’s gone.”
And then it was all getting blurry. It was like Siwon was inside a nightmare and couldn’t bring himself to wake. He felt numb as his family chauffeur, hastily drove the Royce taking him home.
When he got home, the first thing he did was asked his father for details.
Choi Min Woo, seemed older than he was that gloomy afternoon, explained that this morning he couldn’t find Hankyung anywhere in the house and then the maid found a note tucked under Hankyung’s pillow.
I am leaving. Thanks for everything.
Hankyung’s handwriting looked so neat on the paper as if he had planned this from the get go and already set his heart on it. And that was it. There was nothing more written on the goddamn paper. It didn’t even say to whom the words were written.
Siwon still remembers how the paper felt in his palm when he crunched it. His mind was full of confusion and sadness when it was finally dawned on him that Hankyung, his Hankyung, was gone. Hankyung had left the house, left this family, left him, to go to God knows where.
But why?
Wild thoughts kept circling inside his head. But none of them made sense.
And things got even worse after that.
His father and he, each, formed their own search party. His father’s consisted of famous private detectives and police forces; his consisted of friends and families, Hankyung’s and his.
Both parties literally plundered the town, both with their own hypotheses and predictions of where Hankyung might be found. But they didn’t find a thing. Not even a trace. It was like Hankyung had dropped off the face of the earth.
Days turned into months, until finally all that was left was despair and frustration for both sides. Finally, they decided to stop the search.
Siwon thought that he was the only one wanting to die of the feeling of losing and regret. Regret for his too late attempt to hold Hankyung in his arms. But apparently he thought wrong. He wasn’t the only one with wounds.
His father fell into serious sickness a few days after they stopped searching.
Siwon knew his father loved Hankyung. He was Eun Hwa’s son, for God’s sake. But Siwon also knew that if Siwon didn’t know any better, he would think that his father favored Hankyung more than him.
Ever since Sung Eun Hwa stepped her feet inside this house, little Hankyung standing behind her and clutching to her gown, looking so adorably cute, his father’s life had never been the same.
It was like a new and cool breeze was flown to the family. Siwon noticed that his father had perked up. His spirit doubled, and he doted on Hankyung so much that Siwon sometimes almost felt jealous.
Well, almost.
Because Siwon knew his father loved him all the same in a different way.
He raised Siwon with a sense and warmth of a friend, a tutor, someone Siwon would always respect and someone who would always be with him and support him on his journey through life. Siwon would always love him for those reasons. After his birth-mother died in an accident, Siwon knew his father did everything he could to make sure Siwon could stand on his own two feet, not forgetting to show his love to Siwon here and there along the way.
But his father raised Hankyung in a sense of endless admiration, in ways one would treat his beloved treasure, spoiling him to no end, no matter what Hankyung said or did. His father would always try so hard to show Hankyung his love.
So it wasn’t really a surprise to see his father’s condition drop rapidly, physically and mentally, after Hankyung left.
His father was losing his sleep, his appetite, and his desire to live. His grief ate him from the inside, and soon he was forced to lie on his bed all day due to sickness.
It pained Siwon in so many ways. It was already something he couldn’t get over when finally the realization of Hankyung left was sank in. But it seemed like his misery was doubled over seeing the way his father’s eyes so empty, while his mouth whispered Hankyung’s name every now and then.
Siwon barely had time to sit and mourn, because as the only child left, he had to take care of his family business in the place of his now immobile father. He also still had to finish his half year left of business school, because it would do nothing good for him to drop out at a time like this. Choi family needed a successor and ever since he graduated from elementary school, his father had prepared him to take that position.
He also had to check up on his father’s condition regularly, consult his doctor about the condition, made sure that he took his meds, or sometimes just sit beside his father’s bed, holding his now bony hands, listen in sadness as his father talked about Hankyung in tears, get an earful about how much his father loved Hankyung and answer his endless questions about whether Hankyung had come back. More than often, he had to hold back his own tears when his father, under the influence of his meds, looked at him under glazing eyes, and say “Why are you here? Where is Hankyung? My Hankyung?” or “I want to see Hankyung. Why do I keep seeing you here? I want Hankyung.”
Yes, it wasn’t really a surprise to see his father’s grief had sent him to his worst condition.
But it was shocking and wounding to Siwon who sat there beside his father, holding his hands while his father kept ranting about Hankyung in a way that made Siwon felt that it would have been splendid for his father if it was he who had left, that it would have been just fine to his father if it was Hankyung holding his arms while Siwon was somewhere out there.
Choi Min Woo loved Hankyung dearly and Siwon never got so worked up about it since he was certain that his father loved him just the same but in totally different ways. But at times like these, sitting beside his father, listened to him talking about nothing or no one but Hankyung, not even once bothering to ask how Siwon was holding up, Siwon no longer held this confidence.
At the end, tossed around between his heightened responsibility of family business, his final thesis, his loss of Hankyung, the grief of his father’s worsen condition, and the growing anxiety and jealousy of his father’s love towards Hankyung: Siwon changed.
It wasn’t a pleasant change, but he changed none the less.
He stopped looking for comfort from his father. He had been there, done that, but he got nothing more than disappointment.
He started to push away all his misery and pain inside his deepest sub consciousness, and focusing at school and work. He graduated cum laude, and successfully carried on his family business to a whole new level of glory. He even owns his own business empire now, built with his own money and his own sweat, apart from his father’s inherited business. And as an owner of a fast growing corporation and a CEO of another already established corporation, his name soon became famous in the business world.
He would find a lay here and there; there were a lot of willing and wanton hot male executives in his circle who were ready to spread their legs to him only seconds after hearing the name Choi. But after several convenient fucks, he would end it and continually ignored the desperate phone calls that followed after, already heading onto his next conquest.
To sum it all up, he changed into a cold, rich jerk. And he blamed Hankyung for all of it.
For Siwon, that was his biggest change.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that it wasn’t fair for him to put all the blame on Hankyung. But Siwon felt like he couldn’t help it.
The reason for Hankyung’s leaving his family is still beyond him. In those nights, when he laid on his bed, too tired to stop his thoughts from wandering, he would think of many possible reasons for Hankyung’s departure. But none of them made sense.
Siwon didn’t mean to become a calculating bastard, but Hankyung owes Choi family, for Christ sake!
Siwon knew that his father had courted Eun Hwa for a long time. And the feeling was mutual between them at the time. But for some reason, Eun Hwa was reluctant to accept his father’s proposal of marriage. Only when her financial situation got worse and worse, to the point where they would starve for days due to the lack of money, did Eun Hwa accept the proposition.
After the marriage, Eun Hwa and Hankyung moved to Choi’s residence. And not even once had his father or Siwon treated them badly. Siwon accepted them as a family. His father loved Eun Hwa and loved Hankyung even more. They lived happily, at least until Siwon realized his feelings towards Hankyung.
But even when he kept his distance from Hankyung and maintained a cold composure around him, never once did he hurt Hankyung for no reason. Except for several encounters that forced him to raise his voice to kept Hankyung from being too close to him, Siwon never treated Hankyung badly.
Of course his avoidance saddened Hankyung, but Siwon had to do it to avoid a worse outcome. And his father’s treatment of Hankyung was out of the question. He spoiled him to no end. Even though Hankyung always seemed reluctant and awkward in receiving his father’s attention, his father treated Hankyung special none the less.
When Eun Hwa was ill, his father gave her the best medical treatment available and had the best doctor in town in charge of her condition, although sadly she still couldn’t make it in the end.
With all those facts considered, Siwon feels that Hankyung had no reason whatsoever to treat Siwon and his father this way. They didn’t deserve what Hankyung had done to them. Hankyung had no right to abandon them just like that.
All of those thoughts, combined with the horrible situation he was in ever since Hankyung left, was adding to his bitterness and resentment towards his step brother.
Siwon couldn’t help the feeling that Hankyung is the one responsible for his father’s illness.
Hankyung fucking knew that his father loved him dearly. He should have known that there was no way his father would be okay with him leaving. But still, he left; leaving his father, hell, THEIR father, nailed to his bed by his illness and sadness, before finally took his last breath with Hankyung’s name on his lips.
And Siwon was left to pick up the pieces.
But truth be told, that was not even the worst part.
The truth is, that no matter how much Siwon hates Hankyung and no matter how much grief Hankyung has caused, Siwon still loves him.
It was still Hankyung’s name and Hankyung’s face that is etched in his mind every time he got careless and let himself think of his feelings.
It was still Hankyung that occupied his thought every time he thrust into another body of a man whose name he didn’t even remember.
And it pained Siwon in so many new levels.
After Hankyung left, there had been too many feelings colliding and conflicting inside him. His longing, his lust, and his love clashed with his hatred, his regret, and his loyalty to his father.
Siwon thinks of Hankyung as a family traitor for leaving them. That’s why Siwon felt a tremendous anger at his love for Hankyung, because that would mean a disloyalty towards his father’s memory. And since disloyalty is unacceptable for Siwon, he resented himself and resented Hankyung even more.
So yes, Siwon changed.
But one thing still remains the same. He must still kept his love for Hankyung away deep inside the darkness of his heart. Even when the reasons are totally different now, it still breaks him on the inside none the less.
TBC
PS: As usual, a comment if you like will means a lot to me. :D