A Story of Hurting and Healing, SiwonxHankyung
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, PG13 again for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, minor KangHyuk.
Have to post it here in two parts since this chapter is too large for one post.
Author’s note:
Okay, I will accept all your death glares and dissapointed sighs and even killing threats at the fact that I AM SO VERY LAME IN MAKING UPDATES ON THIS SERIES. It's almost two months has passed since the last time I update, is it? *shakes head*
I'm sure some of you have forgotten (or choose to forget) about this series, haven't you? I know, I deserve it. ^^;
But srsly, let me have one paragraph of self defense, y/y?
My muse was gone again. BLAME IT, please? And RL was being a bitch, rly. This last reason is for real, guys. So forgive me for making you wait for so damn long. T_______________T
As you can see above are my standard excuse, but a truth doesn't have to be something unusual and shocking, does it? *smacked to death*
So, okay~! This chapter was beta-ed by the speedy Robyn, a.k.a duosbabygirl. She worked on this so fast, only for about two hours! She's as awesome as Carey~! XDD
Thank you, Robyn bb. <33
And I hope the ridiculuous length of this chapter can at least make up for my lameness you guys like this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are definitely welcomed and loved~! XD
Chapter 17 - part 1
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upset me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
(Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most)
Siwon blinks his eyes because it starts to sting so much from all the held back tears.
Leaning his head back over the chair he is sitting on, Siwon is staring at the ceiling of the hotel room and can’t help it as his mind wanders to Hankyung for the hundredth time just in this past one hour.
What Han Soo had told him had stripped all the confidence off Siwon and thrown him into uncertainty.
Hankyung is taking on the worst path of life a man can think about, and Siwon realizes that the entire fault lies on him. The bitter reality fills him with doubt and he just doesn’t know anymore what he should do after this.
He had broken the man he loved in the worst possible ways. All he and Hankyung wanted was to have each other and be happy. But twisted fate has played its part on them, and all that’s left are these throbbing and constant stabbings of regret and pain inside that have become too much for him to bear.
He wants to see Hankyung. He wants to face him and reach over to him and cry and apologize and make him understand that he has realized how big of an asshole he has become.
But now that he understands just how much damage he has caused on Hankyung’s life, he doesn’t know how to start. He doesn’t know what lines of words can explain those horrible things he’d done. He doesn’t know if he can reach out a finger to Hankyung without fearing that he’ll hurt him again with even a single touch.
And even if he somehow knows how, it won’t suffice at all, he’s aware of it. Hankyung will never forgive him. Who can blame him for that?
He can’t imagine what will become of him if Hankyung abandons and walks away from him with disgust and hatred pasted all over his face once they meet. He won’t know how to continue to live with that.
Siwon feels afraid. Everything seems so dark now. It feels like there’s no getting better, there’s just no way Siwon can scramble both of them out of this series of misery and he’s falling deeper and deeper into the pit of his despair.
This love is killing him. It’s killing them.
Yet Siwon knows he can’t give up. Even though his exhausted mind and body refuses to move even a single finger, his heart is screaming for him to just stand up, grab the address Han Soo had given him a moment before they parted, and go to where Hankyung is.
Gritting his teeth, Siwon reaches for his cell phone and dials a number. He needs someone to talk to before he drives himself crazy.
---00o00---
”… What?!”
“You heard me, Heechul-hyung. Please don’t make me repeat it.”
“…”
“He’s broken, Hyung… and desperate. His friends relied on him for life and he must have thought that there was just no other way.”
“…I get that. But…, to actually stoop that low… fuck…, it’s not like him at all, Siwonnie. I know I’ve only known him for a couple of months, but Hankyung is a man with pride. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“I’m the one at fault…. I can’t even imagine how worthless he must have felt after I… after I said and did all those cruel and horrible things to him.”
“… Shit. How did things go this way?”
“I guess it’s all because you have an idiotic bastard like me for a best friend.”
“... No use drowning yourself in guilt now, you know that.”
“…Yeah, I know. It’s just that… I really want to see him...”
“Then what’s stopping you? You must go to him and do something, anything to make him stop what he’s been doing.”
“… I don’t know how to…. Fuck, Hyung, I just don’t know anymore…”
“Beg. Cry. Put some sense into him. Just do something. As ironic as it may sound, I believe you’re the only one who can do that right now.”
“What if he turns his back on me and walks away again? And what if this time it’ll be for good? What if he doesn’t want to see me again, Hyung? I won’t be able to take it if he chooses to disappear from my life one more time.”
“Then don’t let him go. Hold on to him no matter what happens. You’ve never done that before, right? And will you stop being so weak, Siwon-ah? Yah~, even as your best friend, to hear you being this indecisive disgust me to no end. You’ve broken him and now the least you can do is helping him to pick up the pieces. Ignore all the hurt you’re feeling and just focus on making things right for him. You owe him that much.”
“… That… was harsh.”
“I simply told you the truth.”
“Yeah, I know you did. That’s why I’m calling you. I know I can always count on you to keep me sane.”
“Good. Now get a grip, use your brain and start working out plans. Make sure they’re brilliant ones.”
“…. Thank you, Hyung.”
“… Tell me that when you’re done dragging Hankyung’s ass back into the light.”
---00o00---
Hankyung’s wincing all the way as he climbs up the narrow stair leading to his apartment.
His client tonight is one sadistic bastard. He almost declined when the offer came, but he’s one of the regulars and being a manager in one of the biggest company in town, he always pays more than enough. Hankyung figured it’d only be one of his usual bondage sessions, probably a gag on his mouth if the client felt like it, and Hankyung would have left the hotel room after with pockets full of money and just a few bruises on his wrists and back.
But apparently he was wrong.
The client was apparently in a foul mood. Rough day at work, Hankyung guessed. And the session went way worse than what he had imagined. The bastard had had his preparation too, with all the weird sex toys he unpacked with eerie ease from his suitcase. And it turned out to be bad luck for Hankyung because he was lying there helplessly, tied on bed posts, and served as his catalyst.
Between his screaming and writhing, Hankyung had lost count on how many times he had shouted the safe word. But that sick fuck was really on the rage and simply acted like he didn’t hear it. Halfway through it, Hankyung’s throat was already sore. All his struggling had made his body weak and he felt so tired that in the end he’d just laid there, fought to not lose what was left of his consciousness as he let the man do whatever he wanted to do to him.
And here he is almost one hour later. His pockets are stuffed with money alright, but Hankyung is sure that a couple of days later will be a pain in the ass to live, literally.
This fucked up job is just getting peachier each day. Perhaps it is time for him to stop for real. He has been having this thought for a long time. Hyukjae must have gotten back on his feet for weeks now. Hankyung called the hospital and they said the doctor had released him after a success surgery. So, there is absolutely no point for him to do this anymore.
But the fact is he’s still doing it and Hankyung understands only vaguely just why.
He had tried before: turning down all offers and staying home almost every night instead, watching bad TV he had never gotten a chance to see while stuffing his mouth with all those junk foods he had kept for months in the fridge. But the routine grew old quickly.
Soon he could no longer bear the loneliness and the fact that it was only his own voice echoing all over his empty apartment. So he started going out. At first, he didn’t have any intention whatsoever to make friends or get involved with someone on his way. Just wanting to lose himself as he swayed his hips along to the booming music blaring on some random club’s dance floor. But the emptiness was still there, and at those times he couldn’t help it when his mind wandered through those memories he had been trying so hard to forget.
He couldn’t help but remembering about Siwon.
And each time, it hurt. It hurt so bad that he thought he was dying. It was like he was walking around without a soul intact. It made him scared. It made him longing to feel alive again.
That was when he finally allowed a man to touch him one night.
It was just one touch, but he was done for. He found himself craving for more. More touches, more caresses, more fake loving whispers in his ear, anything to keep him sane. He needed those so he could stop feeling so worthless, so he could look at his shadow inside the mirror the next morning without wanting to throw up.
And the next thing he knew he was back on the same path.
But what had happened tonight has made Hankyung realize that it’ll be far too dangerous for him if he continues being this way. He is a piece of a broken rag doll nobody wants, but still he doesn’t want to end up lying naked on piles of garbage somewhere, pretty much dead with sexual crime written as his cause of death on his record.
Thanks to his generous clients, Hankyung has saved enough money to live decently until he’s 70, though he can’t imagine he’ll live that long. Hankyung always assumed he might be dead in his 40s caused by depression-induced heart cancer or whatever.
With all that money, he can move out. He will buy a little farm in a town where nobody knows him and stay there, investing some of his money or raising some cattle, live to his heart content for the rest of his life. He won’t need anybody, though the thought of adopting a dog for a companion is quite tempting.
Hankyung has never done travelling before. Probably he should try to do it later. Or he can just register himself in some social acts, as long as he won’t have to interact with anybody personally. He will find flings to fuck here and there, for sure. It won’t be too often though, maybe only once or twice a week, just enough doses to keep him hovering on the edge of sanity.
It’ll be a perfect fucked up life. But at least it won’t be one that’s life-threatening.
Hankyung’s line of thought is stopped as he reaches his floor. Groaning, he walks stumblingly along the hall until he stands in front of his door. He feels feverish already and his head is spinning. It takes him a full minute to fumble with the key but finally the door is clicked open. Stepping inside, instinctively he reaches over the side wall and flicks the lamp switch on. His eyes sweep over the room, and that’s when he freezes.
Right there in the middle of the room someone is standing silently, his deep gaze is on Hankyung.
“…Siwon-hyung?” Shocked, the name comes out of Hankyung’s lips in a whisper. Gaping, unconsciously Hankyung takes a few steps back until his back bumps on the now closed door, hand grips the front of his shirt defensively.
Siwon smiles, voice is a bit hoarse as he says, “Hey, Hankyung-ah.”
---00o00---
Right after Hankyung finished his first job, Hankyung asked Han Soo to find him an apartment to live in. He had been living for almost a week at Han Soo’s and he just had had it. He needed to find a place of his own where he won’t need to carry a knife with him every night he went to sleep for fear of Han Soo’s drunken attack. It’d be a plus if it’s a place that doesn’t have reeks of alcohol and sweat plastered on it’s every surface. And it has to be located in a secluded area, somewhere in this city that is difficult to find.
Hankyung knew sooner or later Kangin and Hyukjae would find out that he had left the Choi’s residence. They would definitely try to search for him and Hankyung really doesn’t want to be found.
For all he knows, his life is a curse and both of his best friends would be better off without him. Besides, Kangin and Hyukjae would never forgive him if they knew where the money he sent to pay Hyukjae’s operation bill came from. And he doesn’t think he can take it if they hate him too because of that. He has felt worthless enough as it is without having to face the possibility that more important people in his life would think of him as disgusting and leaving him.
That was why Hankyung decided to hide. And Han Soo’s place is far too conspicuous for that purpose.
Han Soo was bitching non stop as he searched all over the town for an apartment that would fit Hankyung’s specific request. But in the end he found it: a bit run down apartment complex located far from city center, almost at the town border. It isn’t even on the map when Hankyung checked on it and he had instantly moved in there without any hesitation.
Ever since, Hankyung had tried his best to lay low and covered all his tracks so Kangin and Hyukjae will never know that he actually still lives in the same city as them.
But never once had Hankyung thought that Siwon would try to find him too. He never even imagined that Siwon would ever show up one day in front of him.
After all, Hankyung can never forget that Siwon’s last words to him were a clear and painful statement saying he never wants to see Hankyung again for the rest of his life.
So what the hell is he doing in here now?
Hankyung is about to ask Siwon on how he found him and more importantly how in the world could he break into Hankyung’s apartment without permission. But in the end he doesn’t do it. Siwon is smart after all, not too mention having a lot of connections and too much money in his hands. If he wants to find Hankyung then he will surely find one way or another to do so.
Hankyung isn’t surprised at all at the way his heart has been stinging since the first second he saw Siwon. Even until this moment, Hankyung fully realizes that he still loves him. But no matter how many months has passed what Siwon had done and said to him are still fresh in his memories. It has left a scar inside him that won’t heal even when he has tried and Siwon being here is like a continuous picking on the hurting scab. Hankyung knows that this man is more than able to hurt him again, easily inflicting pain --even worse than he did before-- without even flexing a finger.
Suddenly Hankyung feels so scared at the fact that Siwon is here in the same room and he stays still, staring at the older man who also doesn’t move from where he’s standing.
“What are you doing here?” Hankyung says the only thing he can coax out to say right now, trying to control his voice from trembling.
Siwon looks nervous all of a sudden at the question. It is weird for Hankyung to see him like that. Siwon is always full of confidence, no matter what happens. In addition, Hankyung is just too used to Siwon being ignorant and cold whenever he was around that Siwon’s attitude at the moment confuses him a little.
Hankyung’s fear is lessening at that unfamiliar sight and he puts down his hands.
“I…“ Siwon starts, his hands are fisting on both his sides. “… How are you?”
Hankyung frowns at Siwon’s stumbling words. Somehow, the way Siwon’s looking obviously uncomfortable gives Hankyung strength and makes him feels braver and braver.
“I’m… fine.” Hankyung answers automatically and the next second he really wants to laugh for the absurdness of this situation. After everything that had happened, here they are, actually making a normal conversation.
Except for the fact that there is absolutely nothing normal in this and Hankyung’s stomach is coiling from nervousness. The headache that has been attacking him since earlier is suddenly doubled and now Hankyung feels nauseous.
Dragging his feet, Hankyung walks towards the kitchen and pours a glass of water for himself. As he gulps it down, he can see that Siwon has followed him.
Hankyung puts down the glass with a loud clink sound echoing over the quiet apartment and sighs as he turns over to face Siwon. His head is throbbing and Hankyung lifts one of his hands to massage his forehead.
“What do you want?” Hankyung asks, forces himself to look straight into Siwon’s eyes.
Siwon doesn’t answer right away. He’s just standing there across the counter, unidentified emotions flashing in his eyes as he keeps staring at Hankyung.
For some reason, Siwon’s silence pisses Hankyung off. Siwon is obviously observing him, watching at the way Hankyung is flushed and restless and he looks like he’s slowly realizing that he’s the one who causes it. What makes Hankyung’s anger get even worse is the fact that in this kind of situation, it automatically puts himself in the weaker position. Siwon must be aware now that he still has a strong influence over Hankyung. It’s unavoidable because Hankyung had told him about his feelings the last time they met. He had said it loud and clear and it surely makes Hankyung fragile.
However, Siwon is the one who wanted Hankyung gone, out of his life for good, and for God sakes, that’s exactly what he is doing now. So how dare he show up here and turn Hankyung’s peaceful world upside down.
It is fucking unfair. Hankyung feels cheated and still Siwon hasn’t given him a good reason for his sudden intrusion.
Hankyung is about to tell Siwon off when Siwon finally speaks gently.
“I’m here to take you home.”
That sentence coming out of Siwon’s mouth makes Hankyung’s heart jolts and his eyes smarten.
“I don’t have a home.” Hankyung says hoarsely, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by emotions.
“You do, Hankyung-ah. You always do.” Siwon’s voice and eyes are unusually tender as he’s looking at him and Hankyung wonders if that is just his imagination.
“… Since when?” Hankyung whispers, eyes are already blurring with tears now.
Siwon takes a few careful steps forward, approaching Hankyung. “I understand everything now. I’m sorry it took so long. But you must know that I don’t hate you anymore.”
Hankyung stops breathing. It must be an illusion.
For years he was suffering, haunted by fear and longing and unbearable loneliness. For years he has tried to do almost everything to return Siwon’s kindness to him.
And now that it is happening, Hankyung finds himself unable to accept --nor believe-- this sudden change. His aching head is thrumming painfully. Gripping the side of the counter, Hankyung’s next word comes out in growl. “Get out.”
Hankyung doesn’t miss the surprised expression on Siwon’s face at that and it makes Hankyung’s blood boil. His lips are then quirked into a cynical smile.
“Why did you change your mind?” Hankyung says. “Didn’t you think I’m the one who caused the death of your father?”
Siwon grits his teeth. “No, you’re not. We both know it’s not true.”
Hankyung snorts. “What’s this? Suddenly taking back all your words…” Hankyung laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “Do you expect me to just believe in everything you say? What did you say about me last time? I remember you were saying something about me being a pathetic slut who would do anything to fill this emptiness inside me. Do you really want to have such a person roaming around your precious house once again? Or is it that you haven’t had enough of my filthy body? After all, you seemed to enjoy it so much when you were raping me…” Hankyung’s breath is racing because of all the emotions twisting inside him as he’s saying those words. He’s really on the brink of tears now and he bites his lip hard to stop them from falling. He’ll be damned if he shows his weak side to Siwon right now.
Siwon suddenly takes another step forward. “God, Hankyung. Stop it… please…” His face is scrunched in agony. “I’m sorry…. I’m really sorry for all the things I’ve said and done. But now I’ve learned the truth. Now I know that you’re actually just a victim of my father’s sick doing. I know that you were always suffering for all this time and you took it all without saying anything to me because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I also know the reason you left the house three years ago must be because everything had become too hard for you to bear. I know now. And I realize it’s been far too late and our relationship has been too far gone to be repaired but I really hope you can forgive me. I really hope you can come back with me. I want us to be together again. Just like old times… ” Siwon begs in a hopeful voice.
Those are words that Hankyung has been waiting for so long to hear. Words that he would’ve accepted with joy if only Siwon believed him the first time he told the truth. But the fact was Siwon threw all of it back in Hankyung’s face, and even punished him cruelly for saying it, successfully making Hankyung feel like the lowest person on earth.
It causes a fiery heat of anger to spread through Hankyung’s veins and his voice is shaking as he questions Siwon, “How did you know?”
Siwon looks down, staring at his own tightened fist. “Heechul-hyung gave me the copy of my father’s letter written for you. And it’s all in there. I couldn’t believe it at first. Just like how I stupidly doubted you, I kept denying the solid truth even when I was reading it word by word. But in the end, I couldn’t avoid it anymore. It is my father’s handwriting. There’s no doubt about it. And that was when I realized just how much I’ve hurt you.” Siwon’s voice is hoarse and he shakes his head. “Listen, Hankyung-ah. You don’t know how much I’ve been regretting myself after you were gone and I almost went crazy looking for you. I know I will never…”
“You will never what?” Hankyung cuts Siwon’s words sharply. “You couldn’t stand to hear the truth from me but then Heechul-hyung gave you a fucking piece of letter written by your bastard of a father and suddenly you know about everything? You believe all of it?” Hankyung’s tone is getting higher and higher. “And now you expect all to be well. ‘All is forgiven so let’s be friends’, is that it?” He shakes his head and looks away from Siwon.
Hankyung’s words that are filled with anger apparently set off something inside Siwon. The older man shuts his eye closed, and he can’t help but feel pained at seeing the way Hankyung’s whole body is trembling. When he opens his eyes again, Hankyung can see tears glistening in them. Yet somehow the sight makes Hankyung even more upset and he laughs bitterly. “I appreciate your apology, Hyung. But no, thank you. Next time there might be no letter left by someone whenever my words are doubted once again.” Hankyung grits his teeth hard, suddenly grimacing at the worsening throbbing in his head and for a moment he presses his palm to it, frustrated.
Hankyung is way more than just pissed off right now. He’s very furious, there’s just so much pain inside him that he can no longer stay calm and keep his emotions checked.
“Hankyung, are you alright?” Siwon seems like he’s worried at Hankyung’s paling face. And he’s been noticing that the younger man seems to be so much in pain each time he moves. Siwon takes other steps forward. But Hankyung quickly raises his hand to stop him, giving him silent warning through his glare.
“There’s no sane person who wants to live in a place where its people are so quick to judge.” Hankyung hisses, shaking his head. “And then, just because of a single note left by a dead person, their attitudes change completely all of a sudden.” Hankyung’s eyes are fiery and his whole body is trembling out of control. “What will happen after our next misunderstanding? Or what if another important person of yours dies? If you think I’m the one who causes it, will your attitude towards me change again?”
Anger and years of heartaches create a new emotion inside of Hankyung. His eyes are smarting but he keeps holding back the tears because he’d rather die than mourn over his disappointment at Siwon’s sudden change of opinion. He can’t hide the sadness in his voice as he mutters in a hoarse voice, “You know what, Siwon-hyung? In all those years of my suffering… you were the worst.”
And right after Hankyung said that, all of a sudden his head is throbbing again. It’s so much more painful this time that he feels extremely nauseous. In a matter of seconds, his world turns black and he can faintly hear Siwon shouting his name as he falls on to the ground.
---00o00---
“How is he?” Siwon says, impatiently inching forward to the end of his seat.
In front of him is Dr. Kim Hyun Gun. He’s still young, probably the same age as Siwon, but it seems he has good capabilities in working his job. But to tell the truth Siwon is a little uncomfortable with the way the doctor has been giving him a sharp stare, right from the very first time Siwon entered his office.
“Choi Siwon-sshi, you told me that you are the patient’s stepbrother?” Dr. Kim asks, voice is light, but Siwon can tell that there is awareness in it.
“Yes, I am. … Is there a problem, doctor?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just curious because it says Sung Hankyung on your brother’s ID. Different last name, so I’m just wondering, you know.”
“Ah… yes. It’s… a long story.” Siwon says, scratching his head.
The doctor looks at Siwon for a long time before he finally speaks again. “Okay, then. Well, before I tell you about your brother’s condition, I need to ask you a question, Siwon-sshi. And I want you to answer honestly because it’ll be important in determining the best treatment for your brother.”
“… Sure. What is it?”
“Before you brought him here… did you notice something strange about your brother?”
Seeing Siwon’s darkened face, Dr. Kim continues quickly. ”Um, okay. I’ll make it short and to the point. Your brother is not heavily injured, though I’m not saying that his wounds aren’t serious either. There’s a big possibility that you brother was raped, or was sexually violated before. When I was examining him, I found some bruises on his arms. Probably from being tied up too tightly. And there are some on his back and stomach too. One looks like a lashes wound, and most of the others are red marks caused by over heated skin. There might have been a wax play inflicted on him. But the worst injury your brother is having is the anal fissure I found on the inside of his anus…”
“Anal fis… what?” Siwon cuts in, his forehead crinkling in a frown.
“It’s an unnatural crack or tear in the skin of the anal canal.” Dr. Kim explains. “He has several of them, but none are too deep. So I’m sure with the right meds and ointment, it can be healed in a couple of weeks. Since his body is feverish and he fainted, I’m guessing initial symptoms of infection are already occurring. I’ve treated it, but another one could set in otherwise, so right now I’m trying my best to monitor him, keeping the tears clean and using special ointment to reduce the bad effect.” Dr. Kim stops for a second, fixing his eyeglasses’ position. “You see, wounds like these can be caused by several things. But I also found traces of semen on his underwear. I didn’t find any inside him though, which is a good thing because it means he had protected sex and there’ll be minimum possibilities for him to catch an STD. Still, considering that, I’m more than certain that the tearing is caused by forced anal intrusion by the penis. It could be just usual S&M sessions, but to be safe, I’m concluding that your brother is showing very strong indications for sexual violations or rape inflicted on him. And that’s why I’m asking you if you know whether his current partner has sadistic tendency.”
Siwon gapes. He has pretty much guessed it ever since he rushed to the unconscious Hankyung and saw specks of blood on the behind of his pants. It’s easy to assume that one of Hankyung’s clients was responsible for it. But still, to hear such things coming out of the doctor’s mouth: it gives him quite a shock.
And now things are getting more complicated. The doctor doesn’t say it yet, but Siwon knows that he is suspecting Siwon as the perpetrator. Siwon is pretty sure that it is the reason why the doctor seemed to not believe him when he said Hankyung is his stepbrother.
It’s not like Siwon cares much about the young doctor’s silent accusation, but Siwon is sure that now it has become like this; sooner or later Hankyung will get into trouble with the police. When Siwon called Heechul in panic a few hours ago to break this news, Heechul had the same guess as his on what had happened to Hankyung. And he warned him to take care of this matter carefully because a case such as this is sensitive and it’s an obligation for all doctors to report it to the authority if they encounter it.
Hustler is after all an illegal profession in this country.
But for now Siwon can’t think of anything to do to prevent it. He feels that he absolutely has no right to inform the doctor about the fact that Hankyung is selling his body for living. Even if he takes this matter into his own hands, telling the doctor the truth can make things worse.
Siwon realizes that Dr. Kim is still looking at him, expecting an answer.
“Um, actually I don’t know much about his relationships with other people, doctor. We haven’t been that close recently. So I don’t think I can answer your question.” Siwon says, choosing his words carefully. “All I can tell you is that I waited for him to come home in his apartment and then he showed up and we were talking about some things. I noticed he didn’t look well. His face is pale and he kept cringing like he was in pain. And all of a sudden he fainted. So I rushed to check on him, and that’s when I saw specks of blood on his pants.”
Dr. Kim’s gaze is penetrating, searching for hints of lies. But Siwon always finds it easy to keep his face expressionless. Sighing, the doctor lays back, seeming to give up. But he hasn’t let go yet, Siwon knows. He’s just retreating for a while.
“So you’ve already known about this?” The doctor asks.
“I’ve had rough guesses, but yes. I think I have.” Siwon says calmly.
“As his brother, you don’t seem agitated.”
Siwon’s jaw tightened at hearing that. “Oh, trust me doctor, I am. But right now I’m as clueless as you are about who did this to him. So it’s best to stay calm, don’t you think?” Siwon pastes his best fake smile on his face.
The doctor looks at him for a long time before nodding slowly. “That’s right.” And then he gives Siwon the exact same fake smile in return.
---00o00---
Siwon stands beside the hospital bed, staring down sadly at Hankyung and watching as he’s frowning, possibly in pain even in his state of unconsciousness. Strong desires to touch him or maybe talk to him make Siwon grip the bed rail tightly, gritting his teeth.
Earlier, when he saw Hankyung’s reaction right after he recognized that it was Siwon standing in his apartment, most of Siwon’s doubt suddenly disappeared. It was replaced by a relieved feeling because inside Hankyung’s green eyes and in his body language, Siwon could still see it clearly:
Hankyung is obviously still pretty much in love with him.
That assumption had made him so happy that he lost his rational mind. It rushed him into acting arrogantly, thinking he could apologize, tell Hankyung that he already knows about everything and then they could solve their problems, just like that.
But apparently what Siwon had done to Hankyung had been hard on him, too hard, and he couldn’t blame Hankyung’s bursting of rage towards him. He had been hurting him too deeply, making him suffer for so long that it won’t be forgotten easily.
Aside from his lashed out anger, Hankyung was also having an emotional breakdown. Siwon could see it, but he also saw the fear in Hankyung’s burning eyes. Hankyung was terrified at this change in Siwon’s attitude towards him.
Siwon was more than able to understand it. Now after things are changing for the better, Hankyung is afraid that someday Siwon will turn his back again on him easily.
Will Hankyung be able to forgive him someday? If only Heechul didn’t give him that letter, probably Siwon still wouldn’t be able to forgive Hankyung. But his eyes are opened now.
And after seeing for real how lonely and broken-hearted Hankyung is for thinking that he isn’t and will never be loved by the people around him --including Siwon-- Siwon is determined that this thing he’s doing won’t be as simple as making Hankyung forgive him for what he has done. This will have to be about him fixing this situation, returning what’s been lost from Hankyung’s life, and hoping all along the way that he will be able to give Hankyung the things he never had before. Considering Hankyung’s reaction when Siwon mentioned about taking him home, Siwon knows it won’t be an easy thing to do. But thanks to the situation they’re facing now, Siwon has come up with a plan. And he really hopes it’ll be good enough.
After hesitating many times, Siwon reaches out a hand to touch Hankyung’s hair. Relishing in the softness of those strands between his fingers, Siwon’s hand moves to caress Hankyung’s forehead carefully. Slow movements of Hankyung’s head and eyelids stop Siwon for a moment. He takes a relieved sigh when Hankyung gives no more reaction as he’s caressing him again for the second time.
“Get well soon, Hankyung.” Siwon whispers hoarsely. “Get well soon, so then I can show you how sorry I am and just how much I love you.”
Siwon stays for a long time in the room until finally the nurse asks him to leave.
Chapter 17 - Part 2
PS: If you'd like to leave a comment (and I hope you do... XD), then please leave it on the post of part 2. Thank you, dearies. :)
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, PG13 again for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, minor KangHyuk.
Have to post it here in two parts since this chapter is too large for one post.
Author’s note:
Okay, I will accept all your death glares and dissapointed sighs and even killing threats at the fact that I AM SO VERY LAME IN MAKING UPDATES ON THIS SERIES. It's almost two months has passed since the last time I update, is it? *shakes head*
I'm sure some of you have forgotten (or choose to forget) about this series, haven't you? I know, I deserve it. ^^;
But srsly, let me have one paragraph of self defense, y/y?
My muse was gone again. BLAME IT, please? And RL was being a bitch, rly. This last reason is for real, guys. So forgive me for making you wait for so damn long. T_______________T
As you can see above are my standard excuse, but a truth doesn't have to be something unusual and shocking, does it? *smacked to death*
So, okay~! This chapter was beta-ed by the speedy Robyn, a.k.a duosbabygirl. She worked on this so fast, only for about two hours! She's as awesome as Carey~! XDD
Thank you, Robyn bb. <33
And I hope the ridiculuous length of this chapter can at least make up for my lameness you guys like this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are definitely welcomed and loved~! XD
Chapter 17 - part 1
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upset me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
(Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most)
Siwon blinks his eyes because it starts to sting so much from all the held back tears.
Leaning his head back over the chair he is sitting on, Siwon is staring at the ceiling of the hotel room and can’t help it as his mind wanders to Hankyung for the hundredth time just in this past one hour.
What Han Soo had told him had stripped all the confidence off Siwon and thrown him into uncertainty.
Hankyung is taking on the worst path of life a man can think about, and Siwon realizes that the entire fault lies on him. The bitter reality fills him with doubt and he just doesn’t know anymore what he should do after this.
He had broken the man he loved in the worst possible ways. All he and Hankyung wanted was to have each other and be happy. But twisted fate has played its part on them, and all that’s left are these throbbing and constant stabbings of regret and pain inside that have become too much for him to bear.
He wants to see Hankyung. He wants to face him and reach over to him and cry and apologize and make him understand that he has realized how big of an asshole he has become.
But now that he understands just how much damage he has caused on Hankyung’s life, he doesn’t know how to start. He doesn’t know what lines of words can explain those horrible things he’d done. He doesn’t know if he can reach out a finger to Hankyung without fearing that he’ll hurt him again with even a single touch.
And even if he somehow knows how, it won’t suffice at all, he’s aware of it. Hankyung will never forgive him. Who can blame him for that?
He can’t imagine what will become of him if Hankyung abandons and walks away from him with disgust and hatred pasted all over his face once they meet. He won’t know how to continue to live with that.
Siwon feels afraid. Everything seems so dark now. It feels like there’s no getting better, there’s just no way Siwon can scramble both of them out of this series of misery and he’s falling deeper and deeper into the pit of his despair.
This love is killing him. It’s killing them.
Yet Siwon knows he can’t give up. Even though his exhausted mind and body refuses to move even a single finger, his heart is screaming for him to just stand up, grab the address Han Soo had given him a moment before they parted, and go to where Hankyung is.
Gritting his teeth, Siwon reaches for his cell phone and dials a number. He needs someone to talk to before he drives himself crazy.
---00o00---
”… What?!”
“You heard me, Heechul-hyung. Please don’t make me repeat it.”
“…”
“He’s broken, Hyung… and desperate. His friends relied on him for life and he must have thought that there was just no other way.”
“…I get that. But…, to actually stoop that low… fuck…, it’s not like him at all, Siwonnie. I know I’ve only known him for a couple of months, but Hankyung is a man with pride. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“I’m the one at fault…. I can’t even imagine how worthless he must have felt after I… after I said and did all those cruel and horrible things to him.”
“… Shit. How did things go this way?”
“I guess it’s all because you have an idiotic bastard like me for a best friend.”
“... No use drowning yourself in guilt now, you know that.”
“…Yeah, I know. It’s just that… I really want to see him...”
“Then what’s stopping you? You must go to him and do something, anything to make him stop what he’s been doing.”
“… I don’t know how to…. Fuck, Hyung, I just don’t know anymore…”
“Beg. Cry. Put some sense into him. Just do something. As ironic as it may sound, I believe you’re the only one who can do that right now.”
“What if he turns his back on me and walks away again? And what if this time it’ll be for good? What if he doesn’t want to see me again, Hyung? I won’t be able to take it if he chooses to disappear from my life one more time.”
“Then don’t let him go. Hold on to him no matter what happens. You’ve never done that before, right? And will you stop being so weak, Siwon-ah? Yah~, even as your best friend, to hear you being this indecisive disgust me to no end. You’ve broken him and now the least you can do is helping him to pick up the pieces. Ignore all the hurt you’re feeling and just focus on making things right for him. You owe him that much.”
“… That… was harsh.”
“I simply told you the truth.”
“Yeah, I know you did. That’s why I’m calling you. I know I can always count on you to keep me sane.”
“Good. Now get a grip, use your brain and start working out plans. Make sure they’re brilliant ones.”
“…. Thank you, Hyung.”
“… Tell me that when you’re done dragging Hankyung’s ass back into the light.”
---00o00---
Hankyung’s wincing all the way as he climbs up the narrow stair leading to his apartment.
His client tonight is one sadistic bastard. He almost declined when the offer came, but he’s one of the regulars and being a manager in one of the biggest company in town, he always pays more than enough. Hankyung figured it’d only be one of his usual bondage sessions, probably a gag on his mouth if the client felt like it, and Hankyung would have left the hotel room after with pockets full of money and just a few bruises on his wrists and back.
But apparently he was wrong.
The client was apparently in a foul mood. Rough day at work, Hankyung guessed. And the session went way worse than what he had imagined. The bastard had had his preparation too, with all the weird sex toys he unpacked with eerie ease from his suitcase. And it turned out to be bad luck for Hankyung because he was lying there helplessly, tied on bed posts, and served as his catalyst.
Between his screaming and writhing, Hankyung had lost count on how many times he had shouted the safe word. But that sick fuck was really on the rage and simply acted like he didn’t hear it. Halfway through it, Hankyung’s throat was already sore. All his struggling had made his body weak and he felt so tired that in the end he’d just laid there, fought to not lose what was left of his consciousness as he let the man do whatever he wanted to do to him.
And here he is almost one hour later. His pockets are stuffed with money alright, but Hankyung is sure that a couple of days later will be a pain in the ass to live, literally.
This fucked up job is just getting peachier each day. Perhaps it is time for him to stop for real. He has been having this thought for a long time. Hyukjae must have gotten back on his feet for weeks now. Hankyung called the hospital and they said the doctor had released him after a success surgery. So, there is absolutely no point for him to do this anymore.
But the fact is he’s still doing it and Hankyung understands only vaguely just why.
He had tried before: turning down all offers and staying home almost every night instead, watching bad TV he had never gotten a chance to see while stuffing his mouth with all those junk foods he had kept for months in the fridge. But the routine grew old quickly.
Soon he could no longer bear the loneliness and the fact that it was only his own voice echoing all over his empty apartment. So he started going out. At first, he didn’t have any intention whatsoever to make friends or get involved with someone on his way. Just wanting to lose himself as he swayed his hips along to the booming music blaring on some random club’s dance floor. But the emptiness was still there, and at those times he couldn’t help it when his mind wandered through those memories he had been trying so hard to forget.
He couldn’t help but remembering about Siwon.
And each time, it hurt. It hurt so bad that he thought he was dying. It was like he was walking around without a soul intact. It made him scared. It made him longing to feel alive again.
That was when he finally allowed a man to touch him one night.
It was just one touch, but he was done for. He found himself craving for more. More touches, more caresses, more fake loving whispers in his ear, anything to keep him sane. He needed those so he could stop feeling so worthless, so he could look at his shadow inside the mirror the next morning without wanting to throw up.
And the next thing he knew he was back on the same path.
But what had happened tonight has made Hankyung realize that it’ll be far too dangerous for him if he continues being this way. He is a piece of a broken rag doll nobody wants, but still he doesn’t want to end up lying naked on piles of garbage somewhere, pretty much dead with sexual crime written as his cause of death on his record.
Thanks to his generous clients, Hankyung has saved enough money to live decently until he’s 70, though he can’t imagine he’ll live that long. Hankyung always assumed he might be dead in his 40s caused by depression-induced heart cancer or whatever.
With all that money, he can move out. He will buy a little farm in a town where nobody knows him and stay there, investing some of his money or raising some cattle, live to his heart content for the rest of his life. He won’t need anybody, though the thought of adopting a dog for a companion is quite tempting.
Hankyung has never done travelling before. Probably he should try to do it later. Or he can just register himself in some social acts, as long as he won’t have to interact with anybody personally. He will find flings to fuck here and there, for sure. It won’t be too often though, maybe only once or twice a week, just enough doses to keep him hovering on the edge of sanity.
It’ll be a perfect fucked up life. But at least it won’t be one that’s life-threatening.
Hankyung’s line of thought is stopped as he reaches his floor. Groaning, he walks stumblingly along the hall until he stands in front of his door. He feels feverish already and his head is spinning. It takes him a full minute to fumble with the key but finally the door is clicked open. Stepping inside, instinctively he reaches over the side wall and flicks the lamp switch on. His eyes sweep over the room, and that’s when he freezes.
Right there in the middle of the room someone is standing silently, his deep gaze is on Hankyung.
“…Siwon-hyung?” Shocked, the name comes out of Hankyung’s lips in a whisper. Gaping, unconsciously Hankyung takes a few steps back until his back bumps on the now closed door, hand grips the front of his shirt defensively.
Siwon smiles, voice is a bit hoarse as he says, “Hey, Hankyung-ah.”
---00o00---
Right after Hankyung finished his first job, Hankyung asked Han Soo to find him an apartment to live in. He had been living for almost a week at Han Soo’s and he just had had it. He needed to find a place of his own where he won’t need to carry a knife with him every night he went to sleep for fear of Han Soo’s drunken attack. It’d be a plus if it’s a place that doesn’t have reeks of alcohol and sweat plastered on it’s every surface. And it has to be located in a secluded area, somewhere in this city that is difficult to find.
Hankyung knew sooner or later Kangin and Hyukjae would find out that he had left the Choi’s residence. They would definitely try to search for him and Hankyung really doesn’t want to be found.
For all he knows, his life is a curse and both of his best friends would be better off without him. Besides, Kangin and Hyukjae would never forgive him if they knew where the money he sent to pay Hyukjae’s operation bill came from. And he doesn’t think he can take it if they hate him too because of that. He has felt worthless enough as it is without having to face the possibility that more important people in his life would think of him as disgusting and leaving him.
That was why Hankyung decided to hide. And Han Soo’s place is far too conspicuous for that purpose.
Han Soo was bitching non stop as he searched all over the town for an apartment that would fit Hankyung’s specific request. But in the end he found it: a bit run down apartment complex located far from city center, almost at the town border. It isn’t even on the map when Hankyung checked on it and he had instantly moved in there without any hesitation.
Ever since, Hankyung had tried his best to lay low and covered all his tracks so Kangin and Hyukjae will never know that he actually still lives in the same city as them.
But never once had Hankyung thought that Siwon would try to find him too. He never even imagined that Siwon would ever show up one day in front of him.
After all, Hankyung can never forget that Siwon’s last words to him were a clear and painful statement saying he never wants to see Hankyung again for the rest of his life.
So what the hell is he doing in here now?
Hankyung is about to ask Siwon on how he found him and more importantly how in the world could he break into Hankyung’s apartment without permission. But in the end he doesn’t do it. Siwon is smart after all, not too mention having a lot of connections and too much money in his hands. If he wants to find Hankyung then he will surely find one way or another to do so.
Hankyung isn’t surprised at all at the way his heart has been stinging since the first second he saw Siwon. Even until this moment, Hankyung fully realizes that he still loves him. But no matter how many months has passed what Siwon had done and said to him are still fresh in his memories. It has left a scar inside him that won’t heal even when he has tried and Siwon being here is like a continuous picking on the hurting scab. Hankyung knows that this man is more than able to hurt him again, easily inflicting pain --even worse than he did before-- without even flexing a finger.
Suddenly Hankyung feels so scared at the fact that Siwon is here in the same room and he stays still, staring at the older man who also doesn’t move from where he’s standing.
“What are you doing here?” Hankyung says the only thing he can coax out to say right now, trying to control his voice from trembling.
Siwon looks nervous all of a sudden at the question. It is weird for Hankyung to see him like that. Siwon is always full of confidence, no matter what happens. In addition, Hankyung is just too used to Siwon being ignorant and cold whenever he was around that Siwon’s attitude at the moment confuses him a little.
Hankyung’s fear is lessening at that unfamiliar sight and he puts down his hands.
“I…“ Siwon starts, his hands are fisting on both his sides. “… How are you?”
Hankyung frowns at Siwon’s stumbling words. Somehow, the way Siwon’s looking obviously uncomfortable gives Hankyung strength and makes him feels braver and braver.
“I’m… fine.” Hankyung answers automatically and the next second he really wants to laugh for the absurdness of this situation. After everything that had happened, here they are, actually making a normal conversation.
Except for the fact that there is absolutely nothing normal in this and Hankyung’s stomach is coiling from nervousness. The headache that has been attacking him since earlier is suddenly doubled and now Hankyung feels nauseous.
Dragging his feet, Hankyung walks towards the kitchen and pours a glass of water for himself. As he gulps it down, he can see that Siwon has followed him.
Hankyung puts down the glass with a loud clink sound echoing over the quiet apartment and sighs as he turns over to face Siwon. His head is throbbing and Hankyung lifts one of his hands to massage his forehead.
“What do you want?” Hankyung asks, forces himself to look straight into Siwon’s eyes.
Siwon doesn’t answer right away. He’s just standing there across the counter, unidentified emotions flashing in his eyes as he keeps staring at Hankyung.
For some reason, Siwon’s silence pisses Hankyung off. Siwon is obviously observing him, watching at the way Hankyung is flushed and restless and he looks like he’s slowly realizing that he’s the one who causes it. What makes Hankyung’s anger get even worse is the fact that in this kind of situation, it automatically puts himself in the weaker position. Siwon must be aware now that he still has a strong influence over Hankyung. It’s unavoidable because Hankyung had told him about his feelings the last time they met. He had said it loud and clear and it surely makes Hankyung fragile.
However, Siwon is the one who wanted Hankyung gone, out of his life for good, and for God sakes, that’s exactly what he is doing now. So how dare he show up here and turn Hankyung’s peaceful world upside down.
It is fucking unfair. Hankyung feels cheated and still Siwon hasn’t given him a good reason for his sudden intrusion.
Hankyung is about to tell Siwon off when Siwon finally speaks gently.
“I’m here to take you home.”
That sentence coming out of Siwon’s mouth makes Hankyung’s heart jolts and his eyes smarten.
“I don’t have a home.” Hankyung says hoarsely, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by emotions.
“You do, Hankyung-ah. You always do.” Siwon’s voice and eyes are unusually tender as he’s looking at him and Hankyung wonders if that is just his imagination.
“… Since when?” Hankyung whispers, eyes are already blurring with tears now.
Siwon takes a few careful steps forward, approaching Hankyung. “I understand everything now. I’m sorry it took so long. But you must know that I don’t hate you anymore.”
Hankyung stops breathing. It must be an illusion.
For years he was suffering, haunted by fear and longing and unbearable loneliness. For years he has tried to do almost everything to return Siwon’s kindness to him.
And now that it is happening, Hankyung finds himself unable to accept --nor believe-- this sudden change. His aching head is thrumming painfully. Gripping the side of the counter, Hankyung’s next word comes out in growl. “Get out.”
Hankyung doesn’t miss the surprised expression on Siwon’s face at that and it makes Hankyung’s blood boil. His lips are then quirked into a cynical smile.
“Why did you change your mind?” Hankyung says. “Didn’t you think I’m the one who caused the death of your father?”
Siwon grits his teeth. “No, you’re not. We both know it’s not true.”
Hankyung snorts. “What’s this? Suddenly taking back all your words…” Hankyung laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “Do you expect me to just believe in everything you say? What did you say about me last time? I remember you were saying something about me being a pathetic slut who would do anything to fill this emptiness inside me. Do you really want to have such a person roaming around your precious house once again? Or is it that you haven’t had enough of my filthy body? After all, you seemed to enjoy it so much when you were raping me…” Hankyung’s breath is racing because of all the emotions twisting inside him as he’s saying those words. He’s really on the brink of tears now and he bites his lip hard to stop them from falling. He’ll be damned if he shows his weak side to Siwon right now.
Siwon suddenly takes another step forward. “God, Hankyung. Stop it… please…” His face is scrunched in agony. “I’m sorry…. I’m really sorry for all the things I’ve said and done. But now I’ve learned the truth. Now I know that you’re actually just a victim of my father’s sick doing. I know that you were always suffering for all this time and you took it all without saying anything to me because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I also know the reason you left the house three years ago must be because everything had become too hard for you to bear. I know now. And I realize it’s been far too late and our relationship has been too far gone to be repaired but I really hope you can forgive me. I really hope you can come back with me. I want us to be together again. Just like old times… ” Siwon begs in a hopeful voice.
Those are words that Hankyung has been waiting for so long to hear. Words that he would’ve accepted with joy if only Siwon believed him the first time he told the truth. But the fact was Siwon threw all of it back in Hankyung’s face, and even punished him cruelly for saying it, successfully making Hankyung feel like the lowest person on earth.
It causes a fiery heat of anger to spread through Hankyung’s veins and his voice is shaking as he questions Siwon, “How did you know?”
Siwon looks down, staring at his own tightened fist. “Heechul-hyung gave me the copy of my father’s letter written for you. And it’s all in there. I couldn’t believe it at first. Just like how I stupidly doubted you, I kept denying the solid truth even when I was reading it word by word. But in the end, I couldn’t avoid it anymore. It is my father’s handwriting. There’s no doubt about it. And that was when I realized just how much I’ve hurt you.” Siwon’s voice is hoarse and he shakes his head. “Listen, Hankyung-ah. You don’t know how much I’ve been regretting myself after you were gone and I almost went crazy looking for you. I know I will never…”
“You will never what?” Hankyung cuts Siwon’s words sharply. “You couldn’t stand to hear the truth from me but then Heechul-hyung gave you a fucking piece of letter written by your bastard of a father and suddenly you know about everything? You believe all of it?” Hankyung’s tone is getting higher and higher. “And now you expect all to be well. ‘All is forgiven so let’s be friends’, is that it?” He shakes his head and looks away from Siwon.
Hankyung’s words that are filled with anger apparently set off something inside Siwon. The older man shuts his eye closed, and he can’t help but feel pained at seeing the way Hankyung’s whole body is trembling. When he opens his eyes again, Hankyung can see tears glistening in them. Yet somehow the sight makes Hankyung even more upset and he laughs bitterly. “I appreciate your apology, Hyung. But no, thank you. Next time there might be no letter left by someone whenever my words are doubted once again.” Hankyung grits his teeth hard, suddenly grimacing at the worsening throbbing in his head and for a moment he presses his palm to it, frustrated.
Hankyung is way more than just pissed off right now. He’s very furious, there’s just so much pain inside him that he can no longer stay calm and keep his emotions checked.
“Hankyung, are you alright?” Siwon seems like he’s worried at Hankyung’s paling face. And he’s been noticing that the younger man seems to be so much in pain each time he moves. Siwon takes other steps forward. But Hankyung quickly raises his hand to stop him, giving him silent warning through his glare.
“There’s no sane person who wants to live in a place where its people are so quick to judge.” Hankyung hisses, shaking his head. “And then, just because of a single note left by a dead person, their attitudes change completely all of a sudden.” Hankyung’s eyes are fiery and his whole body is trembling out of control. “What will happen after our next misunderstanding? Or what if another important person of yours dies? If you think I’m the one who causes it, will your attitude towards me change again?”
Anger and years of heartaches create a new emotion inside of Hankyung. His eyes are smarting but he keeps holding back the tears because he’d rather die than mourn over his disappointment at Siwon’s sudden change of opinion. He can’t hide the sadness in his voice as he mutters in a hoarse voice, “You know what, Siwon-hyung? In all those years of my suffering… you were the worst.”
And right after Hankyung said that, all of a sudden his head is throbbing again. It’s so much more painful this time that he feels extremely nauseous. In a matter of seconds, his world turns black and he can faintly hear Siwon shouting his name as he falls on to the ground.
---00o00---
“How is he?” Siwon says, impatiently inching forward to the end of his seat.
In front of him is Dr. Kim Hyun Gun. He’s still young, probably the same age as Siwon, but it seems he has good capabilities in working his job. But to tell the truth Siwon is a little uncomfortable with the way the doctor has been giving him a sharp stare, right from the very first time Siwon entered his office.
“Choi Siwon-sshi, you told me that you are the patient’s stepbrother?” Dr. Kim asks, voice is light, but Siwon can tell that there is awareness in it.
“Yes, I am. … Is there a problem, doctor?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just curious because it says Sung Hankyung on your brother’s ID. Different last name, so I’m just wondering, you know.”
“Ah… yes. It’s… a long story.” Siwon says, scratching his head.
The doctor looks at Siwon for a long time before he finally speaks again. “Okay, then. Well, before I tell you about your brother’s condition, I need to ask you a question, Siwon-sshi. And I want you to answer honestly because it’ll be important in determining the best treatment for your brother.”
“… Sure. What is it?”
“Before you brought him here… did you notice something strange about your brother?”
Seeing Siwon’s darkened face, Dr. Kim continues quickly. ”Um, okay. I’ll make it short and to the point. Your brother is not heavily injured, though I’m not saying that his wounds aren’t serious either. There’s a big possibility that you brother was raped, or was sexually violated before. When I was examining him, I found some bruises on his arms. Probably from being tied up too tightly. And there are some on his back and stomach too. One looks like a lashes wound, and most of the others are red marks caused by over heated skin. There might have been a wax play inflicted on him. But the worst injury your brother is having is the anal fissure I found on the inside of his anus…”
“Anal fis… what?” Siwon cuts in, his forehead crinkling in a frown.
“It’s an unnatural crack or tear in the skin of the anal canal.” Dr. Kim explains. “He has several of them, but none are too deep. So I’m sure with the right meds and ointment, it can be healed in a couple of weeks. Since his body is feverish and he fainted, I’m guessing initial symptoms of infection are already occurring. I’ve treated it, but another one could set in otherwise, so right now I’m trying my best to monitor him, keeping the tears clean and using special ointment to reduce the bad effect.” Dr. Kim stops for a second, fixing his eyeglasses’ position. “You see, wounds like these can be caused by several things. But I also found traces of semen on his underwear. I didn’t find any inside him though, which is a good thing because it means he had protected sex and there’ll be minimum possibilities for him to catch an STD. Still, considering that, I’m more than certain that the tearing is caused by forced anal intrusion by the penis. It could be just usual S&M sessions, but to be safe, I’m concluding that your brother is showing very strong indications for sexual violations or rape inflicted on him. And that’s why I’m asking you if you know whether his current partner has sadistic tendency.”
Siwon gapes. He has pretty much guessed it ever since he rushed to the unconscious Hankyung and saw specks of blood on the behind of his pants. It’s easy to assume that one of Hankyung’s clients was responsible for it. But still, to hear such things coming out of the doctor’s mouth: it gives him quite a shock.
And now things are getting more complicated. The doctor doesn’t say it yet, but Siwon knows that he is suspecting Siwon as the perpetrator. Siwon is pretty sure that it is the reason why the doctor seemed to not believe him when he said Hankyung is his stepbrother.
It’s not like Siwon cares much about the young doctor’s silent accusation, but Siwon is sure that now it has become like this; sooner or later Hankyung will get into trouble with the police. When Siwon called Heechul in panic a few hours ago to break this news, Heechul had the same guess as his on what had happened to Hankyung. And he warned him to take care of this matter carefully because a case such as this is sensitive and it’s an obligation for all doctors to report it to the authority if they encounter it.
Hustler is after all an illegal profession in this country.
But for now Siwon can’t think of anything to do to prevent it. He feels that he absolutely has no right to inform the doctor about the fact that Hankyung is selling his body for living. Even if he takes this matter into his own hands, telling the doctor the truth can make things worse.
Siwon realizes that Dr. Kim is still looking at him, expecting an answer.
“Um, actually I don’t know much about his relationships with other people, doctor. We haven’t been that close recently. So I don’t think I can answer your question.” Siwon says, choosing his words carefully. “All I can tell you is that I waited for him to come home in his apartment and then he showed up and we were talking about some things. I noticed he didn’t look well. His face is pale and he kept cringing like he was in pain. And all of a sudden he fainted. So I rushed to check on him, and that’s when I saw specks of blood on his pants.”
Dr. Kim’s gaze is penetrating, searching for hints of lies. But Siwon always finds it easy to keep his face expressionless. Sighing, the doctor lays back, seeming to give up. But he hasn’t let go yet, Siwon knows. He’s just retreating for a while.
“So you’ve already known about this?” The doctor asks.
“I’ve had rough guesses, but yes. I think I have.” Siwon says calmly.
“As his brother, you don’t seem agitated.”
Siwon’s jaw tightened at hearing that. “Oh, trust me doctor, I am. But right now I’m as clueless as you are about who did this to him. So it’s best to stay calm, don’t you think?” Siwon pastes his best fake smile on his face.
The doctor looks at him for a long time before nodding slowly. “That’s right.” And then he gives Siwon the exact same fake smile in return.
---00o00---
Siwon stands beside the hospital bed, staring down sadly at Hankyung and watching as he’s frowning, possibly in pain even in his state of unconsciousness. Strong desires to touch him or maybe talk to him make Siwon grip the bed rail tightly, gritting his teeth.
Earlier, when he saw Hankyung’s reaction right after he recognized that it was Siwon standing in his apartment, most of Siwon’s doubt suddenly disappeared. It was replaced by a relieved feeling because inside Hankyung’s green eyes and in his body language, Siwon could still see it clearly:
Hankyung is obviously still pretty much in love with him.
That assumption had made him so happy that he lost his rational mind. It rushed him into acting arrogantly, thinking he could apologize, tell Hankyung that he already knows about everything and then they could solve their problems, just like that.
But apparently what Siwon had done to Hankyung had been hard on him, too hard, and he couldn’t blame Hankyung’s bursting of rage towards him. He had been hurting him too deeply, making him suffer for so long that it won’t be forgotten easily.
Aside from his lashed out anger, Hankyung was also having an emotional breakdown. Siwon could see it, but he also saw the fear in Hankyung’s burning eyes. Hankyung was terrified at this change in Siwon’s attitude towards him.
Siwon was more than able to understand it. Now after things are changing for the better, Hankyung is afraid that someday Siwon will turn his back again on him easily.
Will Hankyung be able to forgive him someday? If only Heechul didn’t give him that letter, probably Siwon still wouldn’t be able to forgive Hankyung. But his eyes are opened now.
And after seeing for real how lonely and broken-hearted Hankyung is for thinking that he isn’t and will never be loved by the people around him --including Siwon-- Siwon is determined that this thing he’s doing won’t be as simple as making Hankyung forgive him for what he has done. This will have to be about him fixing this situation, returning what’s been lost from Hankyung’s life, and hoping all along the way that he will be able to give Hankyung the things he never had before. Considering Hankyung’s reaction when Siwon mentioned about taking him home, Siwon knows it won’t be an easy thing to do. But thanks to the situation they’re facing now, Siwon has come up with a plan. And he really hopes it’ll be good enough.
After hesitating many times, Siwon reaches out a hand to touch Hankyung’s hair. Relishing in the softness of those strands between his fingers, Siwon’s hand moves to caress Hankyung’s forehead carefully. Slow movements of Hankyung’s head and eyelids stop Siwon for a moment. He takes a relieved sigh when Hankyung gives no more reaction as he’s caressing him again for the second time.
“Get well soon, Hankyung.” Siwon whispers hoarsely. “Get well soon, so then I can show you how sorry I am and just how much I love you.”
Siwon stays for a long time in the room until finally the nurse asks him to leave.
Chapter 17 - Part 2
PS: If you'd like to leave a comment (and I hope you do... XD), then please leave it on the post of part 2. Thank you, dearies. :)
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.