A Story of Hurting and Healing, SiwonxHankyung - continues
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, PG13 again for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, minor KangHyuk.
Have to post it here in two parts since this chapter is too large for one post.
Author’s note:
Okay, I will accept all your death glares and dissapointed sighs and even killing threats at the fact that I AM SO VERY LAME IN MAKING UPDATES ON THIS SERIES. It's almost two months has passed since the last time I update, is it? *shakes head*
I'm sure some of you have forgotten (or choose to forget) about this series, haven't you? I know, I deserve it. ^^;
But srsly, let me have one paragraph of self defense, y/y?
My muse was gone again. BLAME IT, please? And RL was being a bitch, rly. This last reason is for real, guys. So forgive me for making you wait for so damn long. T_______________T
As you can see above are my standard excuse, but a truth doesn't have to be something unusual and shocking, does it? *smacked to death*
So, okay~! This chapter was beta-ed by the speedy Robyn, a.k.a duosbabygirl. She worked on this so fast, only for about two hours! She's as awesome as Carey~! XDD
Thank you, Robyn bb. <33
And I hope the ridiculuous length of this chapter can at least make up for my lameness you guys like this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are definitely welcomed and loved~! XD
Chapter 17 - part 2
A voice brings Hankyung into consciousness. He opens his eyes carefully, wincing at the sudden bright light that makes his eyes hurt. A tall shadow at the side of the bed comes into his blurry view and he blinks his eyes rapidly, trying to focus his eyesight.
“You’re awake?” That careful question sounds hoarse, and Hankyung instantly recognizes Siwon’s voice. His entire body reflexively filled with happiness until his memories turn that feeling off in an instant, makes his body tense.
Being able to see much more clearly now, Hankyung notices Siwon sitting beside his bed with a worried expression on his face. There is also a young man in a white coat at the other side of his bed --supposedly a doctor-- who is watching his reactions carefully.
“Where am I…?” Hankyung’s question comes out in a whisper.
“You’re in East General Hospital, Hankyung-sshi. You fainted and your stepbrother brought you here. I’m your doctor in charge, Dr. Kim.” The young doctor answers him with a warm smile. “Can you describe how you’re feeling right now, Hankyung-sshi?”
Hankyung licks his dry lips. “… I think I have a slight headache. And it’s a bit painful to move. But it’s my… behind that hurts a lot.” Hankyung says, blushing a bit.
Dr. Kim nods grimly. Hankyung is too flustered to look at Siwon.
“It’s a normal reaction, Hankyung-sshi. Perhaps you’ve already realized about this condition you are in but you have some bruises on your body. And you also have tears on the inner wall of your anus, which I’m treating intensively right now.” The doctor stares at Hankyung seriously. “That being said, all of your wounds show indications of sexual violence. I also found traces of sperm mixed in with your blood on your pants. So I’m really sorry, but I really have to ask you this: is there any chance that you were raped by someone?”
Hankyung’s heart skips a beat. “What? No.” Hankyung responds, far too quickly, and he almost bites his tongue.
“What about your current partner or lover? Does he have some sexual sadistic tendencies? I mean, did you engaged in a sexual intercourse with your partner that used unusual and rough methods?”
Under the doctor’s sharp gaze, Hankyung shakes his head. “I don’t have a lover.” Hankyung answers weakly. He tries to look casual as his mind’s reeling, trying to come up with a lie to avoid more suspicions from the doctor. Working in this profession for almost two months, he has never been put in this kind of situation before. Usually he wasn’t injured this badly and he was used to treat his wounds by himself.
Hankyung silently curses Siwon’s decision to bring him here in the first place.
“I see.” Dr. Kim nods, and then gives Siwon a sharp glare. “Hankyung-sshi, your stepbrother told me that you fainted just like that with blood all over the backside of your pants while you both were having a conversation. Is that what really happened?”
Hankyung glances at the now frowning Siwon, and then back to the doctor, nodding. “Yes. I think that was what happened.”
Dr. Kim nods before turning his gaze to Siwon. “Siwon-sshi, can you tell me what kind of conversation did you have with your stepbrother?”
Siwon raises his eyebrows, annoyed because he knows what the doctor is up to with these questions. He is confirming his earlier suspicion on Siwon.
“… It’s actually a personal matter, doctor, but if you really have to know, in general it’s just a typical conversation.” Siwon says with teeth clinched tightly.
Dr. Kim still hasn’t stopped staring sharply at Siwon. “Are you sure it wasn’t some kind of a fight? An argument between the two of you about something, perhaps?”
Hankyung’s eyes widened at that. “Whoa, whoa. Doctor, I think you’re trying to accuse my step brother here as the one who caused my injuries. Are you serious?”
Dr. Kim calmly turned his gaze back at Hankyung. “Look, Hankyung-sshi. Law clearly states that whenever I treat a patient with a condition like yours, I am supposed to call the police for further investigation. But before I do that, I need to get a statement from you as the victim. I know it might sound crazy to you, but right now I have no choice but suspecting Siwon-sshi here as the perpetrator because he was the only one around when you passed out.”
Hankyung gulps down; not being able to deny the logics the doctor is giving him.
“I can assure you that police will surely have the same opinion as mine. So if you don’t want to involve your step brother in a more serious problem, I suggest you tell me the truth, Hankyung-sshi.” The doctor then folds his hands over his chest, waiting.
“Hold on, doctor.” Siwon says, looking a bit angry. “You can’t force him to do this. I’m no lawyer but if this is going to be a case, I know my step brother has no obligation to say anything to you until his lawyer is here.”
Dr. Kim glares, seeming to be annoyed at Siwon’s intrusion. “Yes, I’m aware of that, Siwon-sshi. But you can’t stop me from persuading my own patient to reveal the identity of the person who has done such horrible things to him. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m just being concerned and trying to help Hankyung-sshi here.”
Siwon is about to argue with that when suddenly Hankyung cuts in.
“It was my client who did this.” Hankyung says calmly but his voice is loud enough to catch the other two guys’ attention.
Both Siwon and Dr. Kim turn their heads towards Hankyung, staring at him with widened eyes. Hankyung sighs at their reaction.
“I’m a hustler.” Hankyung speaks again; his gaze fixed on Dr. Kim this time. “Last night one of my regular clients was being too rough on me and that’s the reason why I’m having these kinds of injuries now.”
Hankyung is hoping that this information he’s breaking to the doctor can make the doctor feel shocked enough and leave him alone even for just a while. Being a doctor in this young age, Dr. Kim looks like one of those people who grew up in respectable family, spent his youth by studying diligently, and hangs out only with elite society. He might never have even cursed for once in his lifetime. For Hankyung to casually tell him that he’s a whore who’s willing to fuck anyone as long as the price is right, must be something terrifying to hear for the young doctor. It’s playing dirty, yet Hankyung can’t see any other way to stop this from turning into bigger problem.
But unexpectedly, Dr. Kim is just staring at him with expression as if he finally understands the real situation he has on his hand. “A client, is it?” Dr. Kim asks Hankyung. “So you’re a hustler?”
Siwon, with eyes fixed on Hankyung, and just says nothing on the other side.
“Yeah,” Hankyung shrugs. “You can say I had bad luck last night. But he paid me so well. That’s why I can’t see why this should be a problem, doctor.”
“I see.” Dr. Kim nods, his forehead is frowning. He seems to be concerned about something. Then the doctor clears his throat. “Alright then, I guess that explains a lot about your wounds. However, this new information makes me have to rethink the whole situation and considering what I’ll do about you, Hankyung-sshi.” He smiles politely.
Siwon suddenly realizes that this is a perfect situation to start to work on his plan, so quickly he says, “Dr. Kim, can I have a word with you outside?”
Both Dr. Kim and Hankyung look surprised at that. But the young doctor finally nods and starts to walk towards the door with Siwon on his tail, leaving Hankyung alone to stare on their back with a suspicious gaze.
---00o00---
Siwon enters the room again after half an hour, finding Hankyung lying there on his bed with his eyes closed. Hankyung opens them at the sound of the door clicking closed and his green eyes instantly find Siwon. For a second, he considers to ask Siwon about what he was talking about with that doctor out there, but he refrains himself from doing it. He doesn’t want to make Siwon have the wrong impression that he cares.
For a moment, none of them speak. The silence is broken by Siwon telling Hankyung that Dr. Kim had decided to postpone his intention to bring this matter to the police. Siwon had convinced him that doing it would only cause trouble for Hankyung so the doctor said he understood and promised to take this matter into further consideration.
Hearing that, Hankyung can’t help but bursting into laughter. He laughs so hard that even Siwon’s questioning stare on him can’t make him stop.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.” Hankyung says after a while between his chuckles. “It’s just so funny to see him get all worked up to defend me and then just walked away and do nothing after knowing that I’m just a slut.” His hands are lifted to wipe those teary eyes caused by the laughter. “Feeling concern about me, he said?”
Siwon turns his gaze away; unable to bear witness to Hankyung’s forced smile after he says that. “I think he really is concerned about you.” Siwon mutters under his breath, trying to offer some consolation.
Hankyung chooses to say nothing to that. “You’re still here.” He says with a flat tone.
Siwon’s eyes are back on Hankyung, looking determined. “We still need to talk.”
“I don’t think so. I’ve said all I’ve got to say, Hyung. We’re done.” Hankyung replies calmly. He reaches to the bed side, looking for the button to leverage the head of the bed.
Siwon waits until Hankyung finishes raising the head of the bed and moving his body into a sitting position.
“I’ve known for a while about this… job you’re doing now, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon starts to speak again.
Hankyung looks indifferent at hearing it. “Yeah, I figured you have.”
“And I also know why you decided to do it. Kangin told me about Hyukjae.” Siwon watches Hankyung carefully, wanting to know Hankyung’s reaction at the mention of his best friends’ name.
But Hankyung just lifts his chin up, looking defiant as he says, “Okay. So?”
Siwon starts to feel frustrated. To tell the truth, he doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’s trying to pull out of the younger man, but it’s definitely not this cold and ignorant face Hankyung’s putting on. Hell, he’d even be glad to put up with Hankyung’s rage once again. At least letting Hankyung lash his anger on him won’t make him feel so much at a loss like this.
“Look, Hankyung. I can’t say I understand fully on why you’re doing it, but I know that I am also part of the reason. I lost my mind back then and I did things to you that must have left such a horrible impact…. For that I’m really sorry.”
Hankyung glares at Siwon’s hunched form, suddenly feeling so angry all over again. “Don’t put too much credit on yourself, Siwon-hyung.” He hisses. “You absolutely have nothing to do with what I’ve done in my life.”
Hankyung’s gaze on Siwon is burning, but Siwon doesn’t budge. “I still remembered Hankyung-ah. The last time we met, didn’t you say that you love me?”
His words cause Hankyung to gape. “… What?”
“You said you love me...” Siwon repeats in a softer tone, almost nostalgic. “You told me you had been feeling that way for a long time.”
Hankyung thinks that Siwon should really be thankful that he can’t exactly move freely with these injuries because if he can, then he’d be off the bed in an instant and choking Siwon’s throat.
How dare he?! How dare him to bring back those painful memories in front of me! He was the one who treated me like shit, even after I said that I love him. And now he’s slapping those words back on my face and expecting me to forget about everything?
Hankyung grits his teeth hard, trying to control the flow of anger that’s heating his blood. He clutches the side of the bed tightly. “Yes, I did.” Hankyung replies with tone cold as ice. “But if you think I still do, even after all this time, then you must be crazy.”
It’s a pathetic lie. But to have that lie just rolled out so swiftly off his tongue; Hankyung assumes there’s only his fury to be blamed.
Siwon stares at him. “You’re lying.”
He looks so damn sure that it makes Hankyung really want to throw something at him. His confidence really gets on Hankyung’s nerves. But instead he rolls his eyes, trying to act bored. “Do I really have to respond to that?”
And the silence is back inside the room. Hankyung busies himself by fiddling over his blanket, feeling nervous because Siwon is still looking at him like that.
“Fine.” Siwon speaks after a while. He moves to the end of the bed, bending his body forward and dips both his palms onto the soft mattress, facing the sitting Hankyung. “Then you’ll just have to be prepared because from this moment on, I’m fully intending to make you fall in love with me all over again, one way or another.”
“What do you mean by that?” Hankyung’s eyes are narrowed and he ignores the fact that his heart skips a beat at Siwon’s words.
Siwon fists his palms, getting them tangled in the sheet. His expression turns into one that Hankyung has never seen before. And somehow, Siwon looking like that with his eyes fixed on him makes Hankyung’s heart beat even faster. Unconsciously, Hankyung presses one of his hands over his left chest, hoping to calm it down.
“Listen, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon says softly, his voice is wavering a little. “You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt about this moment. So please look at me in the eyes when I’m telling you that I love you.” Siwon’s eyes are glistening beneath the light of the lamp. “I love you. I’ve been falling for you for too long that I’ve forgotten how it felt to wake up one morning and not be thinking about you. But what I’m feeling for you has been carved too deeply inside my heart. It’s not only temporary, and is never just a lust. I’ve always loved you, and now I know I can never stop feeling this way. Not even if I was crazy enough for wanting to do so.”
Siwon can see how Hankyung freezes at his words, looking too shocked to even show a single reaction. But Siwon doesn’t turn his gaze away though his whole body has become so stiff.
Waiting. Expecting. Fearing.
Siwon isn’t even sure what exactly he’s feeling right now. Every emotion is getting mixed up, and he’s just so nervous that he can feel his stomach coiling.
The silence lasts much longer this time, leaving both men with nothing else to do but dealing with their own emotions. It’s suffocating.
And Hankyung decides he has had enough of this.
“I don’t know what the hell it is you’re up to right now, Hyung. But making jokes like this is just too cruel.” Hankyung says, voice shaking with mixed anger and sadness. His head is hung low, eyes staring down at the sheet and the tears are back, blurring his view. He shuts his eyes tightly for a few seconds to stop them from falling.
What Siwon has just said is the one thing Hankyung has always been dying to hear from the older man. The words make him fine it difficult to suppress the desire to hear it more and more. And without mercy, it fills his heart with hopes.
But Hankyung knows better than to let himself crave for love all over again. He will never expect anymore happiness even for once. For almost 22 years he has been living with these feelings of longing and hoping for love, but he has become too tired in experiencing failure after failure in his life. He has sworn to himself to never waste his time again for those kinds of things, ever.
Hankyung grits his teeth, trying to bear all these pain in his heart. As he looks up, he knows fully how fragile he must have been looked in Siwon’s point of view. But Hankyung doesn’t care.
Right now, Siwon is playing a sick game for some fucked up reasons that he doesn’t even want to know. And he has no other choice than to play along.
“Let’s just pretend that I believe what you’ve just said,” Hankyung’s smile is stretched and bitter and his voice is quivering. “Then why did you treat me like you did back then?”
Siwon looks troubled with the question. He looks away from Hankyung and is staring aside instead, watching glimpse of people passing by through small glasses on the room’s door.
Hankyung is waiting not so patiently. As much as he thinks it’s just a mind game, he can’t help but feeling curious. What he has just asked is the biggest question that keeps lingering inside his mind for years, and today, he finally might get an answer.
“… I thought it was for the best.” Siwon’s honest answer comes out softly, almost sounding like a whisper.
But the reason Hankyung asks Siwon to repeat it a few seconds later is not because he didn’t hear it in the first place.
Hankyung just thinks that his sense of hearing must have played a trick on him because the answer is far too ridiculous for him to accept it just as it is.
“I thought it was the best for all of us, especially for you.” Siwon does what Hankyung asked and this time he’s looking straight into Hankyung’s eyes as he says it.
Hankyung blinks, and once again, the room is suddenly filled with his laughter. Drops of tears he has been holding back for so long are finally running down over his cheeks due to the way his body is shaking as he laughs and laughs, but Hankyung just couldn’t tell anymore what it is really that makes him cry and laugh at the same time.
Is it the irony? Is it the fact that what he just heard doesn’t make even a lick of sense in his mind? Is it the way his heart feels like it’s crunched painfully at hearing it? Or is it the anger that suddenly seems to double and burns along his veins?
Siwon frowns, obviously confused but says nothing, just waits for Hankyung’s laughter to cease.
When it finally does, Siwon watches Hankyung as he wipes his wet eyes with the end of the hospital blanket, still bursting into chuckles every now and then but says nothing.
Siwon tightens his jaw. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to take all of this at once but you have to know that as I was becoming a teenager, I realized what I felt for you had turned to love. Hell, I might have loved you since the first time we met but only then I understood that I want us to become more than just brothers.” Siwon grips the sheet harder. “But you seemed so happy with the fact that we were a family…. Remember what you used to tell me? You said that for so long you’d always dreamed to have a brother and a father? And in those first years, each time the four of us sat together around the dining table --laughing and chatting like a real happy family-- you always had this bright expression on your face as if you knew that your dream had finally come true.”
Hankyung says nothing, just staring blankly at Siwon. The older man sighs in frustration, running his fingers roughly over his hair.
“It was never hate that made me decide to keep a distance from you, Hankyung-ah. It was just… I had no other choice. If I kept things the way they were, then sooner or later I was sure that I’d lose my self control and ended up doing something I’d regret to you….” Siwon is trying his best to make Hankyung understand. “I didn’t want to cause a ruckus in our family. I didn’t want to be the person who made you lose your happiness. And I also didn’t want to disappoint our parents. I kept thinking that even if in the end I’d embraced the fact that I’m gay, at least I wouldn’t have any chance to drag you down with me.”
It’s a sad truth, Siwon is more than aware. But Hankyung deserves to know. Taking a deep breath, Siwon waits silently for Hankyung’s reaction.
“… For my sake, was it?” Hankyung mutters darkly, and somehow the question shakes up Siwon so much because now he can understand, even if it’s just a little, on why Hankyung seems to think that his reason is awfully hilarious.
“So what you’re trying to say is that I was the one who should be blamed for my own fucked up life? Is that it?” Hankyung lifts his chin up, taunting, ignoring Siwon’s concerned frowning.
“You know, it has never crossed my mind before. But now I realize I was thinking too highly of you.” Hankyung’s voice is barely a whisper, leaning his head back on the white pillow, eyes staring at the ceiling. “It turns out that you and your father are just the same selfish bastard.” Hankyung hisses, lifts up his head again and when his eyes meet Siwon’s, the intensity of rage and hatred inside that beautiful pair of green eyes sends a shiver raking down Siwon’s body.
“Your father said he had no power to resist me. He fucking blamed me for making him falling in love with me, for making him do all those horrible things he did. But isn’t it ridiculous because I have never asked to be born this way. I never wished for the looks I have. And now it’s you…” Hankyung shakes his head and another single drop of tear is falling down from Hankyung’s glistening eyes, rolling down his cheeks. “You’re exactly just like him.”
That accusation leaves Siwon speechless.
He has assumed that Hankyung will find it hard to accept his love confession. After all this time, after everything that has happened between the two of them, even if Siwon is sure that deep down Hankyung still loves him, Siwon knows that there’s it’ll be hard for Hankyung to believe right away in the truth of Siwon’s feelings. But watching the way Hankyung’s face scrunches with emotions as he’s sitting there, his body’s trembling visibly, Siwon never thought that his honesty would hurt Hankyung this much. He looks so angry yet so miserable that it pains Siwon just by seeing him.
“You said you avoided me because you didn’t want to take away my happiness, but you never knew how lonely and painful it was for me to realize that all of a sudden all I could see was your back in the distance, out of my reach. You couldn’t even look at me in the eyes, couldn’t bear to stay in the same room with me. Fuck, you didn’t even bother to tell me why or how. In those moments that I needed you most, you were finally gone, just like that…. I was just a boy who felt so excited because after years of my life, I finally got the family I’d always wanted. But why did it turned out to be like this? Your father took away my innocence and all I could do was just lay there, trying hard to bear all of the things he did to me for the sake of my mother. And then you --the man I admired, the man I looked up to so much …the man that I later realized is the guy whom I fell in love with-- you suddenly avoided me like a plague. Leaving me alone with no one else to turn to, wondering for so long just what was it I did wrong that made you hate me so much….” Hankyung’s voice is cracking and another tear falls. “…And that was why I came back. That was why I left everything and everyone: friends whom I love and love me back. I mustered up all my courage just to see you once again because I needed you to tell me why. I wanted to fix our relationship so that I can be beside you once again. But all I got in the end was just another broken heart and cruel humiliation. And now you told me that you did it because of me? That it was all because you want me to remain happy?”
“You and your damn father have caused me nothing but suffering. Do you really think that after saying all that bullshit about loving me then I’ll just simply forget everything?” Hankyung wipes his tears angrily. “Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve had enough of this, Hyung. Now I’m asking you to walk out of that door and never look for me again. Let’s just pretend that we’ve never known each other. And forget that I’ve ever said I love you, because that feeling has already gone. I simply just don’t. Not anymore. After so long, finally I’m free, and I’m just so glad to have this chance to start a new life. A life that for once won’t have you in it.”
Hankyung’s breath is racing as soon as he finished talking. For a long moment, he and Siwon are just staring at each other’s eyes.
Siwon’s fear has come true. Hankyung has clearly stated that he doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again. Despite his tightening grip on the sheet, Siwon tries his best to stay calm. Things have already been too hard for Hankyung without him adding something worse into the drama.
Hankyung’s face is flushing red with all the emotions churning inside him. His whole body looks as if it screams at Siwon to stay away, to just leave him alone.
But Siwon already knows that he can’t do that. Hearing all those words Hankyung said, Siwon realizes even more that there’s just no way he can ever let Hankyung go now.
“I can’t do that.” Siwon says his thought out loud, hoping Hankyung won’t be able to hear the panic in his hoarse voice.
Hankyung glares. “What is it, huh? Feels like you haven’t finished destroying my life yet?”
“I’ve made mistakes, Hankyung-ah. Mistakes I never meant to make. Turns out there are just too many things I’ve done wrong when it comes to you, more than I’ve ever imagined. And I kept losing you because of that. But I swear to God I’ll do anything to make sure that I will never lose you again.” Siwon says with gritted teeth. His expression shows great determination.
Hankyung slams his head back onto the pillow hard, frustrated. “Oh, Hyung, shut up. Why won’t you just shut up and go?” He groans.
But Siwon is nothing but persistent. “Look, I can’t undo what I did. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to erase all your pain or heal those scars in your heart. But I have to try. You’ve got to let me try, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon moves, approach Hankyung with careful steps so now he’s standing right beside Hankyung’s bed, very close to him.
Hankyung realizes the shortened distance, and quickly lifts his head up again. But he has nowhere to go and all he can do is just sink his body deeper into the mattress, inching to the side, fighting to maintain his threatened personal space. Staring up at Siwon’s face above him, Hankyung can’t help but feel afraid and the feeling of helplessness he felt just by having Siwon this close has somehow pissed him even more.
“You’re such a pompous jerk.” Hankyung says with angry tone. “Everything has to be exactly like how you want it, doesn’t it?”
Those fiery words coming out of Hankyung’s mouth is followed by sudden flow of overwhelming emotions inside him that can’t be stopped even when he tries to. “The Great Choi Siwon took pity on an orphaned boy. He threw some bread crumbs for the boy to eat. But after a while he got bored of him. So he turned his back away from him and gave the boy no other choice than to accept his avoidance.” Hankyung’s gaze is all fury heat towards the sight of Siwon who’s still watching him sharply as he continues. “But then his beloved father died, the boy dares to live, and Choi Siwon decided that the boy must be rid from his sight. But after the boy grew to be a man, he stupidly returned. And when he did, Choi Siwon refused to hear everything he was trying to say. He even cruelly stripped what little was left of his dignity. And once again, the whole world bowed down before his wish. Then one day, Choi Siwon suddenly has a change of opinion, so the boy has to accept it too. He instantly tried to force his way into the boy’s life, or else by God he swore he’ll do anything to make sure the boy is willing to let him do so…” An embarrassing stinging in his eyes and the overwhelmed pain caused by his own words make Hankyung speechless all of a sudden, his lips trembling and helplessly his eyes are widened, staring at Siwon’s figure from beneath layers of tears so thick that Siwon’s face looks blurred in his eye view.
“… And then Choi Siwon decides that he wants to have the boy for his own.” Siwon growls, continuing right where Hankyung had left off before ducking his head down and catches Hankyung’s lips with his own in one swift kisses.
Hankyung only has a few seconds to freeze up before feeling himself sinking into waves of sensation and lust that burns, getting lost in the dizzying intensity that makes him weak all of a sudden. He can’t help his reaction because for fuck sake this is Siwon who’s kissing him like his life depends on it. Unconsciously, Hankyung’s hands are lifted up to touch Siwon’s hard jaw, only to drag it further back to sink inside Siwon’s thick strands of dark hair. Wild heat is spreading throughout Hankyung’s whole body, and he holds on to Siwon tightly, fighting to get closer and closer in his effort, trying to take all he can get.
Hankyung is used to dreaming about kissing Siwon. Hell, he has even lost count on how many times he had imagined about it. But he never thought that the feeling he’d get when those strong lips are devouring his can be this intoxicating.
The shock he gets from Siwon’s kiss can only be compared by the way his body’s shivering uncontrollably as Siwon’s long fingers are sneaking inside through the rim of his hospital gown’s low collar, slowly caressing every inch of Hankyung’s skin they can touch beneath. Hankyung can feel Siwon’s shuddering along with his as those fingers finally find their way onto one of Hankyung’s sensitive nipples.
Siwon is teasing him with a speed and skill so good that all of a sudden Hankyung feels panic. He jerks his hands off Siwon’s hair and tries to rid the older man’s roaming fingers from his sensitive skin, but instead his hands grab the back of Siwon’s palms, automatically and unconsciously follows his basic instinct that never wants Siwon to stop. Great clashing between his fear and longing shakes Hankyung to the core.
This man is more than able to break you. He did it back then so what makes you think he won’t do it again, Hankyung?
The thought flashes in Hankyung’s mind. And the strikes of fear that come after makes him stop his unconscious attempt of free-falling into crates of self-destruction. He tries to pull his lips off Siwon’s but Siwon just pulls him even closer.
Hankyung just can’t take it anymore. He feels so afraid and frustrated and it surprises him when he realizes the coldness ghosting over his now really wet cheeks. A soft sob escapes his throat and upon hearing it, Siwon suddenly goes completely still.
Unbearable shame makes Hankyung rip his lips off Siwon’s, turning his face away to hide his flushed face. He can’t breathe for trying to hold back sobs, causing his chest to throb painfully. Hankyung grits his teeth in his effort to control himself.
Siwon stares at him. His hand caresses Hankyung’s wet cheek and gently he pulls the younger man inside his tight embrace, resting his jaw on top of Hankyung’s head. Hankyung’s body tenses, but all the churning emotions inside are weakening him and he has no power to shake Siwon off.
Siwon doesn’t say anything for a long time, yet Hankyung can still feel vibes of anger coming out of his pores. And Hankyung doesn’t know how he knows --he even doubts it-- but somehow he senses that Siwon’s anger isn’t aimed at Hankyung but more to himself instead.
“It’s like I said… I love you, Hankyung.” Siwon finally speaks, his voice is hoarse. “I always have and always will. And no matter how many times you ask me to leave, even with tears brimming in your beautiful green eyes, I don’t think I will ever be able to let myself walk away from you. Not again. Not when I can still see you look at me like that, eyes darkened with desire and longing, just like how I remembered. That’s why I beg you Hankyung-ah, please…. Please let me make it up to you and I’m sure someday you can finally learn to trust me.”
Unexpectedly, Siwon’s words break the spell Hankyung is in. Those things he says brings back Hankyung’s anger. Most people might find that those strings of beautiful sentences, if those were said to them, can really cure any heartache they have inside their heart. But for Hankyung, that’s not the case.
Ever since that day Hankyung left the Choi’s residence, he found that he had no more reason to think that positively towards anything. And it’s probably the greatest change that’s happened to him, since he was never like this before. He used to be so optimistic. He wouldn’t have decided to return back for Siwon if he wasn’t.
But the painful life he has been living up until now, if anything, has finally succeeded on teaching him a hard learned lesson:
There is something wrong with him.
It’s like he’s been cursed to live his life alone for the rest of his life. Nobody loves him. There’s no one who can. Even if somebody did, in the end someone or something would make them leave. And Hankyung has done blaming others. No matter how pathetic it makes his life become, Hankyung has no other choice but to accept the fact that it was all his own fault.
That’s why Hankyung feels so angry at Siwon right now. Can’t he see that what he said has given Hankyung hope? It’s something Hankyung doesn’t allow himself to have again. Because in the end, he’ll be the only person left with another wound in his heart that won’t heal.
And it’s also infuriating for Hankyung to hear Siwon saying with confidence that Hankyung still loves him, because it’s a reality Hankyung has been trying like hell to forget. It’s a fact that he’s been denying over and over again everyday. He has been trying to bury that feeling in the deepest of his mind and Siwon is so wrong if he thinks Hankyung will want to dig it up to the surface again.
Siwon is the man who had hurt him the most. He’s the reason why Hankyung’s life has become this miserable, and he is nowhere near ready to forgive him. There’s just too much to put at stake if he does.
Suddenly energized by rage, Hankyung shoves Siwon away hard, putting a distance between Siwon’s too-close-for-comfort body and his, as far as he can. And he watches with satisfaction as Siwon stumbles a few steps back from the strength of his pushing.
Hankyung wipes his wet lips roughly with the back of his hand, trying unsuccessfully to get rid of all the taste of Siwon from his lips. His eyes are narrowing dangerously as he stares at Siwon’s surprised face.
“I don’t think you get it, Hyung.” Hankyung says with cold tone. “I’ve said it before and now I’ll say it again. I don’t love you anymore. So please stop hallucinating and just leave me alone. No matter what you do, I’ll never trust my heart to anyone else, ever again.”
Siwon’s jaw visibly tightened at Hankyung’s words. For a long time, no one says anything and they just stare at each other.
“I get it.” Siwon says, breaking the silence between them. “I understand that right now it’s impossible for me to earn back your love and trust.”
Siwon looks so defeated that it surprises Hankyung. It’s rare to see that expression on Siwon’s face and at the same time Hankyung feels relieved because it seems Siwon finally will decide to walk out of his life forever.
But apparently Hankyung’s assumption is wrong, because the next second Siwon’s familiar determined expression returns.
“That’s why all I can do right now is to work harder to win you back.” Siwon says with a serious face. “No matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. And this time, I’ll make sure myself that there’ll be nothing or no one to get in our way.”
Hankyung’s staring him as if he was crazy but Siwon ignores him and continues. “You wouldn’t want to go back home with me for nothing. I understand that you must feel it’s a useless thing to do considering what had happened. That being said, I know you can’t just surrender your heart to me. But at least I can still create one last chance for myself, can I?”
Hankyung looks confused at that. “What do you mean?”
“Give me the price.” Siwon says. “Tell me how much I should pay to make you willing to come home with me and stay for a month.”
Siwon stands there --giving Hankyung his proposal which is actually part of his plan-- and tries not to show how panicked he actually feels right now. Hankyung is trying to close all the doors on him. And Siwon knows he must do something, anything, if he doesn’t want to lose Hankyung forever.
Siwon has lost him twice before. The first time was because he chose to leave Hankyung. And the second time was because he forced Hankyung to leave him. But he sure as hell won’t lose him for the third time. It’s simply unacceptable and though Siwon is aware that once again he is being selfish, Siwon is sure that all he needs to get Hankyung back to his side is more time.
And that’s how this fucked up plan came out. Putting aside the disgusted feeling towards himself for putting Hankyung in this kind of situation, for now it’s the only thing Siwon can do.
“Did you…” Hankyung looks like he can’t believe his ears. “Did you just say that you wanted to buy me?”
“Yes, I did.” Siwon answers with no hesitation.
Hankyung gapes, too speechless to say anything.
“Fuck you, Hyung.” Hankyung hisses, finally coherent enough to respond. “You’re totally one crazy bastard, you know that?”
“What’s wrong?” Siwon taunts. “Don’t tell me you’re going to say no to my offer? I mean, you were the one who said that you don’t have any feeling whatsoever for me, weren’t you? Then just treat me like your other customers and I’m sure we won’t have a problem.”
Hankyung’s eyes widened, annoyed because suddenly he realizes what this is about: Siwon is actually challenging him. The bastard is testing him to see if what he said about his feelings for Siwon is true.
“Buying my time for a whole month, it’s going to be so expensive.” Hankyung says, desperate in his effort to make Siwon forget his intention.
“You know I’m more than able to afford it, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon blocks it easily.
Hankyung sneers. “Even if that’s the way it is, you should know that I’m picky when it comes to my customers. And I really don’t think you’re qualified enough to be one.”
“Really?” Siwon raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry but I find myself doubting that. I bet you have a long list of clients that are much worse than me, don’t you?”
Hankyung narrows his eyes. “Not really. It depends on what qualification we’re talking about.”
Siwon is about to say something back when suddenly the door is opened and Dr. Kim enters the room again.
He stares at both Hankyung and Siwon, probably realizing the tense atmosphere hanging in the air. “Is everything okay?”
“We’re fine, doctor. Just… we’re in the middle of talking about some family matters.” Siwon assures the doctor with a smile, seeing from the corner of his eyes that Hankyung only grits his teeth at his words.
Dr. Kim seems to find the answer satisfying because he nods before clearing his throat and walks towards Hankyung. “Hankyung-sshi, judging from the result of your examination, I can see that your body is recovering pretty fast. Therefore, I think I can give you a permission to leave the hospital today.”
Hankyung’s face brightens up at hearing that. He has been starting to get fed up with this room, the ridiculous hospital gown they made him wear, this stupid bed, and the fact that Siwon is here with him and stealing his breath just by his existence. He misses his secluded and private apartment. “Oh, that’s great.” Hankyung says cheerfully. “Then can I leave right this afternoon?”
Dr. Kim smiles knowingly at hearing Hankyung’s excitement. “Sure, as soon as you both are ready, I’ll come and give you a final check up. I’ll also give you some prescriptions that you need to take regularly during your healing period. Siwon-sshi can contact the administration office for you and after he’s done taking care of your bills and buying your meds, both of you can leave this hospital.”
Hankyung frowns. “Wait a minute, doctor. I think you misunderstand.” Hankyung points at Siwon and says, “I’m not leaving with him.”
Dr. Kim looks confused. “Oh? You’re not? But Siwon-sshi here had convinced me earlier that you’ll be taken care of well at home. Aren’t you two brothers living together?”
Hankyung can’t believe what he had heard. So that is what Siwon and the doctor were talking about. Slowly, he turns his gaze to the still standing Siwon, and glares. To Hankyung’s annoyance, Siwon is pretending not to see that.
“No, we’re not. And I can take care of myself, doctor.” Hankyung said to the doctor, eyes filled with anger still fixed on Siwon. “I will go home to my own apartment.”
“Do you have someone there who can help take care of you until you’re completely recovered?” Dr. Kim asks Hankyung.
“Huh?” Hankyung blinks. “No, I live alone.”
Dr. Kim’s kind smile suddenly disappears at hearing that. “Well, then. I’m sorry but if that’s so then I have to tell you that won’t do. Even though I said your health is getting better, you can’t be alone until you’re completely well. Some of the wounds on your body are still fresh and they need extra care, and since most of the meds I’ll give you have sedative effects, I don’t think you can treat it by yourself.”
Hankyung helplessly wants to groan. He gives Siwon a hateful stare, his chin is up, showing determination. “Fine, than I’ll stay for a few more days.”
Siwon says nothing. He’s been talking to the doctor; Siwon knows Dr. Kim is going to drop another bomb to Hankyung’s statement. Hankyung thinks he still has a way to get out of this possibility of living with Siwon once again, but really, soon he’ll realize that he’s been pushed to the corner and he won’t be able to escape.
“I’m sorry, Hankyung-sshi. But I think you wouldn’t want that either.” Dr. Kim clears his throat, giving Hankyung a regretful look. “You see, I have no choice but to ask you leave this hospital today. Like I said before, it has been a normal protocol for doctors to report such cases as yours to the police. But I understand that no one in this room would have wanted that, would we? Considering what you do for living, I’m sure police interference would only bring more trouble for you. Trust me, I know. It’s not my first time dealing with patients who work as a hustler. They ended up getting more hard times when the police came in to join the crowd and I felt bad for them. That’s why I decide to be lenient on you. But I can’t keep hiding this from my colleagues. Sooner or later someone will find out. So I’m telling you that if you insist on staying here, even for just one more day, then I won’t have any other choice but to contact the authorities.”
Hankyung is really annoyed now.
What the hell?
Suddenly, through the speaker placed on the hospital hall outside, three of them can hear a woman’s voice, announcing that Dr. Kim is needed in ICU STAT.
“Ah, duty calls. You two can talk about this alone and when you have your decision, please let me know. If I’m not in my office by then, please just wait, okay?” The doctor says and then walks out of the door in a hurry.
As soon as the door is shut closed, Hankyung turns his attention on Siwon.
“Okay, what was that?” Hankyung asks, his tone is angry and demanding. “Don’t tell me you had nothing to do with it.”
Siwon tries hard to act innocent and keep his excitement hidden. “I really didn’t have anything to do with it, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon speaks the half truth.
Well, he indeed has done some small things to make the situation spiraling into this. But the rest of it comes out just naturally.
Actually, at first Siwon was unable to come up with any plan whatsoever. He was just too unsure and afraid to figure out one. But then Hankyung fainted and things were starting to roll into unexpected ways, and that’s when this plan popped inside his head.
It’s obvious that he still can’t persuade Hankyung to come back home with him after he apologized and cleared things up. Not even after confessing his love to him. But at the moment Hankyung is left with no choice but to accept Siwon’s earlier offer. Telling Hankyung that he’ll pay Hankyung to come home is just Siwon’s way to make it easier and less stressful for Hankyung’s already battered mind.
Now that he thinks about it, the way this complicated situation turns out to be such a big help for him is perhaps one of God’s way of telling him that he can still have one more chance. And he has every full intention to make a good use of it.
“I don’t believe this.” Hankyung groans.
The despair Siwon hears in Hankyung’s words wears off his excitement. Siwon dares himself to step forward. “Please, Hankyung. Don’t make things get more difficult on both of us. I believe this is the only win-win solution we have. I want to spend more time with you so I can try to make you see how sincere and sorry I am. But we both know that you won’t want to do it just like that. So now I’m offering you a reason that is totally unsentimental so you can at least put yourself at ease while you’re doing it. You seem so eager to get rid of me. But the way I see it, it’s either you give me a chance and the time I need to prove to you that I’ve changed, or you will never get your peace because I can guarantee I’ll keep showing up in front of you until you cave in.” Siwon grips the side of Hankyung’s bed, letting Hankyung see how determined and serious he is when he continues, “I meant it when I said that no matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. So just consider my offer, will you? If by the end of that one month you still can’t find a place for me in your heart, then you can leave with your money and I promise I won’t ever bother you again.”
Hankyung shakes his head, frustrated. “Can’t you see that it’s useless?”
“I have to believe it’ll be otherwise.” Siwon perseveres.
Hearing that, Hankyung’s gaze is a defeated one as he looks at Siwon for a long time.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Hankyung asks with bitter voice, and Siwon can see his hands are gripping the already rumpled sheet tightly.
Siwon gulps down. He turns his gaze onto the floor, unable to bear the sight in front of him. Hankyung looking at him like that, he can’t help but feel saddened. But there’s just no way he will back down now.
“I’m sorry. Even after all of this, you’re still the one who has to bear the most sadness.” Hoarsely, Siwon tells Hankyung in the end before lifting his face and looks right into Hankyung’s eyes. “But I need you to give me this last chance.”
Hankyung is silent for a moment.
“Fine, I’ll take your offer.” Hankyung finally says and his jaw is tightened. “However, before you start being delusional, let me remind you that starting from this second, you’re just my client and I’m just your whore. That’ll be it. And I’ll tell you what is going to happen between us once we go back. You can fuck me whenever and wherever you want to. With some extra money on the bill; I’ll even let you cum inside my mouth.” Hankyung ignores Siwon’s cringing at his blunt words and instead continues on talking with gritted teeth. “You can do almost everything to me. Hell, you’re paying so that’s how it should be. But don’t expect me to have any expectations, Hyung. Don’t tell me to look forward to anything you’ll do that you think will be able to make me forget all the pain you’ve caused. You must know that every second I’ll spend with you for the next one month will be the worst moments in my life and nothing can ever change that. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I won’t let myself fall for you again.”
Siwon says nothing to that. It’s useless anyway because starting at this point; he realizes actions will work better for both of them instead of words.
Walking away from Hankyung, Siwon prays silently that somehow, before his time runs out, a miracle will happen between the two of them and they’ll finally be able to reach their happiness.
“I’ll go and tell the doctor that we’ve reached a decision.” Siwon says and Hankyung is just watching him silently, lost inside his own thought as the older man disappears behind the door.
TBC
PS: Okay, I'll be honest. For the next two weeks I have to study intensively for my Master Degree Entrance test. So Idk when I will be able to update new chapter... T____________T
I'll try to steal some writing times in between, and comments always make me motivated. XD
Please be patient and stay awesome as you are, okay, BBs?
Oh, and wish me luck on my test next month, please? ^_______^
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, PG13 again for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, minor KangHyuk.
Have to post it here in two parts since this chapter is too large for one post.
Author’s note:
Okay, I will accept all your death glares and dissapointed sighs and even killing threats at the fact that I AM SO VERY LAME IN MAKING UPDATES ON THIS SERIES. It's almost two months has passed since the last time I update, is it? *shakes head*
I'm sure some of you have forgotten (or choose to forget) about this series, haven't you? I know, I deserve it. ^^;
But srsly, let me have one paragraph of self defense, y/y?
My muse was gone again. BLAME IT, please? And RL was being a bitch, rly. This last reason is for real, guys. So forgive me for making you wait for so damn long. T_______________T
As you can see above are my standard excuse, but a truth doesn't have to be something unusual and shocking, does it? *smacked to death*
So, okay~! This chapter was beta-ed by the speedy Robyn, a.k.a duosbabygirl. She worked on this so fast, only for about two hours! She's as awesome as Carey~! XDD
Thank you, Robyn bb. <33
And I hope the ridiculuous length of this chapter can at least make up for my lameness you guys like this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are definitely welcomed and loved~! XD
Chapter 17 - part 2
A voice brings Hankyung into consciousness. He opens his eyes carefully, wincing at the sudden bright light that makes his eyes hurt. A tall shadow at the side of the bed comes into his blurry view and he blinks his eyes rapidly, trying to focus his eyesight.
“You’re awake?” That careful question sounds hoarse, and Hankyung instantly recognizes Siwon’s voice. His entire body reflexively filled with happiness until his memories turn that feeling off in an instant, makes his body tense.
Being able to see much more clearly now, Hankyung notices Siwon sitting beside his bed with a worried expression on his face. There is also a young man in a white coat at the other side of his bed --supposedly a doctor-- who is watching his reactions carefully.
“Where am I…?” Hankyung’s question comes out in a whisper.
“You’re in East General Hospital, Hankyung-sshi. You fainted and your stepbrother brought you here. I’m your doctor in charge, Dr. Kim.” The young doctor answers him with a warm smile. “Can you describe how you’re feeling right now, Hankyung-sshi?”
Hankyung licks his dry lips. “… I think I have a slight headache. And it’s a bit painful to move. But it’s my… behind that hurts a lot.” Hankyung says, blushing a bit.
Dr. Kim nods grimly. Hankyung is too flustered to look at Siwon.
“It’s a normal reaction, Hankyung-sshi. Perhaps you’ve already realized about this condition you are in but you have some bruises on your body. And you also have tears on the inner wall of your anus, which I’m treating intensively right now.” The doctor stares at Hankyung seriously. “That being said, all of your wounds show indications of sexual violence. I also found traces of sperm mixed in with your blood on your pants. So I’m really sorry, but I really have to ask you this: is there any chance that you were raped by someone?”
Hankyung’s heart skips a beat. “What? No.” Hankyung responds, far too quickly, and he almost bites his tongue.
“What about your current partner or lover? Does he have some sexual sadistic tendencies? I mean, did you engaged in a sexual intercourse with your partner that used unusual and rough methods?”
Under the doctor’s sharp gaze, Hankyung shakes his head. “I don’t have a lover.” Hankyung answers weakly. He tries to look casual as his mind’s reeling, trying to come up with a lie to avoid more suspicions from the doctor. Working in this profession for almost two months, he has never been put in this kind of situation before. Usually he wasn’t injured this badly and he was used to treat his wounds by himself.
Hankyung silently curses Siwon’s decision to bring him here in the first place.
“I see.” Dr. Kim nods, and then gives Siwon a sharp glare. “Hankyung-sshi, your stepbrother told me that you fainted just like that with blood all over the backside of your pants while you both were having a conversation. Is that what really happened?”
Hankyung glances at the now frowning Siwon, and then back to the doctor, nodding. “Yes. I think that was what happened.”
Dr. Kim nods before turning his gaze to Siwon. “Siwon-sshi, can you tell me what kind of conversation did you have with your stepbrother?”
Siwon raises his eyebrows, annoyed because he knows what the doctor is up to with these questions. He is confirming his earlier suspicion on Siwon.
“… It’s actually a personal matter, doctor, but if you really have to know, in general it’s just a typical conversation.” Siwon says with teeth clinched tightly.
Dr. Kim still hasn’t stopped staring sharply at Siwon. “Are you sure it wasn’t some kind of a fight? An argument between the two of you about something, perhaps?”
Hankyung’s eyes widened at that. “Whoa, whoa. Doctor, I think you’re trying to accuse my step brother here as the one who caused my injuries. Are you serious?”
Dr. Kim calmly turned his gaze back at Hankyung. “Look, Hankyung-sshi. Law clearly states that whenever I treat a patient with a condition like yours, I am supposed to call the police for further investigation. But before I do that, I need to get a statement from you as the victim. I know it might sound crazy to you, but right now I have no choice but suspecting Siwon-sshi here as the perpetrator because he was the only one around when you passed out.”
Hankyung gulps down; not being able to deny the logics the doctor is giving him.
“I can assure you that police will surely have the same opinion as mine. So if you don’t want to involve your step brother in a more serious problem, I suggest you tell me the truth, Hankyung-sshi.” The doctor then folds his hands over his chest, waiting.
“Hold on, doctor.” Siwon says, looking a bit angry. “You can’t force him to do this. I’m no lawyer but if this is going to be a case, I know my step brother has no obligation to say anything to you until his lawyer is here.”
Dr. Kim glares, seeming to be annoyed at Siwon’s intrusion. “Yes, I’m aware of that, Siwon-sshi. But you can’t stop me from persuading my own patient to reveal the identity of the person who has done such horrible things to him. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m just being concerned and trying to help Hankyung-sshi here.”
Siwon is about to argue with that when suddenly Hankyung cuts in.
“It was my client who did this.” Hankyung says calmly but his voice is loud enough to catch the other two guys’ attention.
Both Siwon and Dr. Kim turn their heads towards Hankyung, staring at him with widened eyes. Hankyung sighs at their reaction.
“I’m a hustler.” Hankyung speaks again; his gaze fixed on Dr. Kim this time. “Last night one of my regular clients was being too rough on me and that’s the reason why I’m having these kinds of injuries now.”
Hankyung is hoping that this information he’s breaking to the doctor can make the doctor feel shocked enough and leave him alone even for just a while. Being a doctor in this young age, Dr. Kim looks like one of those people who grew up in respectable family, spent his youth by studying diligently, and hangs out only with elite society. He might never have even cursed for once in his lifetime. For Hankyung to casually tell him that he’s a whore who’s willing to fuck anyone as long as the price is right, must be something terrifying to hear for the young doctor. It’s playing dirty, yet Hankyung can’t see any other way to stop this from turning into bigger problem.
But unexpectedly, Dr. Kim is just staring at him with expression as if he finally understands the real situation he has on his hand. “A client, is it?” Dr. Kim asks Hankyung. “So you’re a hustler?”
Siwon, with eyes fixed on Hankyung, and just says nothing on the other side.
“Yeah,” Hankyung shrugs. “You can say I had bad luck last night. But he paid me so well. That’s why I can’t see why this should be a problem, doctor.”
“I see.” Dr. Kim nods, his forehead is frowning. He seems to be concerned about something. Then the doctor clears his throat. “Alright then, I guess that explains a lot about your wounds. However, this new information makes me have to rethink the whole situation and considering what I’ll do about you, Hankyung-sshi.” He smiles politely.
Siwon suddenly realizes that this is a perfect situation to start to work on his plan, so quickly he says, “Dr. Kim, can I have a word with you outside?”
Both Dr. Kim and Hankyung look surprised at that. But the young doctor finally nods and starts to walk towards the door with Siwon on his tail, leaving Hankyung alone to stare on their back with a suspicious gaze.
---00o00---
Siwon enters the room again after half an hour, finding Hankyung lying there on his bed with his eyes closed. Hankyung opens them at the sound of the door clicking closed and his green eyes instantly find Siwon. For a second, he considers to ask Siwon about what he was talking about with that doctor out there, but he refrains himself from doing it. He doesn’t want to make Siwon have the wrong impression that he cares.
For a moment, none of them speak. The silence is broken by Siwon telling Hankyung that Dr. Kim had decided to postpone his intention to bring this matter to the police. Siwon had convinced him that doing it would only cause trouble for Hankyung so the doctor said he understood and promised to take this matter into further consideration.
Hearing that, Hankyung can’t help but bursting into laughter. He laughs so hard that even Siwon’s questioning stare on him can’t make him stop.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.” Hankyung says after a while between his chuckles. “It’s just so funny to see him get all worked up to defend me and then just walked away and do nothing after knowing that I’m just a slut.” His hands are lifted to wipe those teary eyes caused by the laughter. “Feeling concern about me, he said?”
Siwon turns his gaze away; unable to bear witness to Hankyung’s forced smile after he says that. “I think he really is concerned about you.” Siwon mutters under his breath, trying to offer some consolation.
Hankyung chooses to say nothing to that. “You’re still here.” He says with a flat tone.
Siwon’s eyes are back on Hankyung, looking determined. “We still need to talk.”
“I don’t think so. I’ve said all I’ve got to say, Hyung. We’re done.” Hankyung replies calmly. He reaches to the bed side, looking for the button to leverage the head of the bed.
Siwon waits until Hankyung finishes raising the head of the bed and moving his body into a sitting position.
“I’ve known for a while about this… job you’re doing now, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon starts to speak again.
Hankyung looks indifferent at hearing it. “Yeah, I figured you have.”
“And I also know why you decided to do it. Kangin told me about Hyukjae.” Siwon watches Hankyung carefully, wanting to know Hankyung’s reaction at the mention of his best friends’ name.
But Hankyung just lifts his chin up, looking defiant as he says, “Okay. So?”
Siwon starts to feel frustrated. To tell the truth, he doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’s trying to pull out of the younger man, but it’s definitely not this cold and ignorant face Hankyung’s putting on. Hell, he’d even be glad to put up with Hankyung’s rage once again. At least letting Hankyung lash his anger on him won’t make him feel so much at a loss like this.
“Look, Hankyung. I can’t say I understand fully on why you’re doing it, but I know that I am also part of the reason. I lost my mind back then and I did things to you that must have left such a horrible impact…. For that I’m really sorry.”
Hankyung glares at Siwon’s hunched form, suddenly feeling so angry all over again. “Don’t put too much credit on yourself, Siwon-hyung.” He hisses. “You absolutely have nothing to do with what I’ve done in my life.”
Hankyung’s gaze on Siwon is burning, but Siwon doesn’t budge. “I still remembered Hankyung-ah. The last time we met, didn’t you say that you love me?”
His words cause Hankyung to gape. “… What?”
“You said you love me...” Siwon repeats in a softer tone, almost nostalgic. “You told me you had been feeling that way for a long time.”
Hankyung thinks that Siwon should really be thankful that he can’t exactly move freely with these injuries because if he can, then he’d be off the bed in an instant and choking Siwon’s throat.
How dare he?! How dare him to bring back those painful memories in front of me! He was the one who treated me like shit, even after I said that I love him. And now he’s slapping those words back on my face and expecting me to forget about everything?
Hankyung grits his teeth hard, trying to control the flow of anger that’s heating his blood. He clutches the side of the bed tightly. “Yes, I did.” Hankyung replies with tone cold as ice. “But if you think I still do, even after all this time, then you must be crazy.”
It’s a pathetic lie. But to have that lie just rolled out so swiftly off his tongue; Hankyung assumes there’s only his fury to be blamed.
Siwon stares at him. “You’re lying.”
He looks so damn sure that it makes Hankyung really want to throw something at him. His confidence really gets on Hankyung’s nerves. But instead he rolls his eyes, trying to act bored. “Do I really have to respond to that?”
And the silence is back inside the room. Hankyung busies himself by fiddling over his blanket, feeling nervous because Siwon is still looking at him like that.
“Fine.” Siwon speaks after a while. He moves to the end of the bed, bending his body forward and dips both his palms onto the soft mattress, facing the sitting Hankyung. “Then you’ll just have to be prepared because from this moment on, I’m fully intending to make you fall in love with me all over again, one way or another.”
“What do you mean by that?” Hankyung’s eyes are narrowed and he ignores the fact that his heart skips a beat at Siwon’s words.
Siwon fists his palms, getting them tangled in the sheet. His expression turns into one that Hankyung has never seen before. And somehow, Siwon looking like that with his eyes fixed on him makes Hankyung’s heart beat even faster. Unconsciously, Hankyung presses one of his hands over his left chest, hoping to calm it down.
“Listen, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon says softly, his voice is wavering a little. “You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt about this moment. So please look at me in the eyes when I’m telling you that I love you.” Siwon’s eyes are glistening beneath the light of the lamp. “I love you. I’ve been falling for you for too long that I’ve forgotten how it felt to wake up one morning and not be thinking about you. But what I’m feeling for you has been carved too deeply inside my heart. It’s not only temporary, and is never just a lust. I’ve always loved you, and now I know I can never stop feeling this way. Not even if I was crazy enough for wanting to do so.”
Siwon can see how Hankyung freezes at his words, looking too shocked to even show a single reaction. But Siwon doesn’t turn his gaze away though his whole body has become so stiff.
Waiting. Expecting. Fearing.
Siwon isn’t even sure what exactly he’s feeling right now. Every emotion is getting mixed up, and he’s just so nervous that he can feel his stomach coiling.
The silence lasts much longer this time, leaving both men with nothing else to do but dealing with their own emotions. It’s suffocating.
And Hankyung decides he has had enough of this.
“I don’t know what the hell it is you’re up to right now, Hyung. But making jokes like this is just too cruel.” Hankyung says, voice shaking with mixed anger and sadness. His head is hung low, eyes staring down at the sheet and the tears are back, blurring his view. He shuts his eyes tightly for a few seconds to stop them from falling.
What Siwon has just said is the one thing Hankyung has always been dying to hear from the older man. The words make him fine it difficult to suppress the desire to hear it more and more. And without mercy, it fills his heart with hopes.
But Hankyung knows better than to let himself crave for love all over again. He will never expect anymore happiness even for once. For almost 22 years he has been living with these feelings of longing and hoping for love, but he has become too tired in experiencing failure after failure in his life. He has sworn to himself to never waste his time again for those kinds of things, ever.
Hankyung grits his teeth, trying to bear all these pain in his heart. As he looks up, he knows fully how fragile he must have been looked in Siwon’s point of view. But Hankyung doesn’t care.
Right now, Siwon is playing a sick game for some fucked up reasons that he doesn’t even want to know. And he has no other choice than to play along.
“Let’s just pretend that I believe what you’ve just said,” Hankyung’s smile is stretched and bitter and his voice is quivering. “Then why did you treat me like you did back then?”
Siwon looks troubled with the question. He looks away from Hankyung and is staring aside instead, watching glimpse of people passing by through small glasses on the room’s door.
Hankyung is waiting not so patiently. As much as he thinks it’s just a mind game, he can’t help but feeling curious. What he has just asked is the biggest question that keeps lingering inside his mind for years, and today, he finally might get an answer.
“… I thought it was for the best.” Siwon’s honest answer comes out softly, almost sounding like a whisper.
But the reason Hankyung asks Siwon to repeat it a few seconds later is not because he didn’t hear it in the first place.
Hankyung just thinks that his sense of hearing must have played a trick on him because the answer is far too ridiculous for him to accept it just as it is.
“I thought it was the best for all of us, especially for you.” Siwon does what Hankyung asked and this time he’s looking straight into Hankyung’s eyes as he says it.
Hankyung blinks, and once again, the room is suddenly filled with his laughter. Drops of tears he has been holding back for so long are finally running down over his cheeks due to the way his body is shaking as he laughs and laughs, but Hankyung just couldn’t tell anymore what it is really that makes him cry and laugh at the same time.
Is it the irony? Is it the fact that what he just heard doesn’t make even a lick of sense in his mind? Is it the way his heart feels like it’s crunched painfully at hearing it? Or is it the anger that suddenly seems to double and burns along his veins?
Siwon frowns, obviously confused but says nothing, just waits for Hankyung’s laughter to cease.
When it finally does, Siwon watches Hankyung as he wipes his wet eyes with the end of the hospital blanket, still bursting into chuckles every now and then but says nothing.
Siwon tightens his jaw. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to take all of this at once but you have to know that as I was becoming a teenager, I realized what I felt for you had turned to love. Hell, I might have loved you since the first time we met but only then I understood that I want us to become more than just brothers.” Siwon grips the sheet harder. “But you seemed so happy with the fact that we were a family…. Remember what you used to tell me? You said that for so long you’d always dreamed to have a brother and a father? And in those first years, each time the four of us sat together around the dining table --laughing and chatting like a real happy family-- you always had this bright expression on your face as if you knew that your dream had finally come true.”
Hankyung says nothing, just staring blankly at Siwon. The older man sighs in frustration, running his fingers roughly over his hair.
“It was never hate that made me decide to keep a distance from you, Hankyung-ah. It was just… I had no other choice. If I kept things the way they were, then sooner or later I was sure that I’d lose my self control and ended up doing something I’d regret to you….” Siwon is trying his best to make Hankyung understand. “I didn’t want to cause a ruckus in our family. I didn’t want to be the person who made you lose your happiness. And I also didn’t want to disappoint our parents. I kept thinking that even if in the end I’d embraced the fact that I’m gay, at least I wouldn’t have any chance to drag you down with me.”
It’s a sad truth, Siwon is more than aware. But Hankyung deserves to know. Taking a deep breath, Siwon waits silently for Hankyung’s reaction.
“… For my sake, was it?” Hankyung mutters darkly, and somehow the question shakes up Siwon so much because now he can understand, even if it’s just a little, on why Hankyung seems to think that his reason is awfully hilarious.
“So what you’re trying to say is that I was the one who should be blamed for my own fucked up life? Is that it?” Hankyung lifts his chin up, taunting, ignoring Siwon’s concerned frowning.
“You know, it has never crossed my mind before. But now I realize I was thinking too highly of you.” Hankyung’s voice is barely a whisper, leaning his head back on the white pillow, eyes staring at the ceiling. “It turns out that you and your father are just the same selfish bastard.” Hankyung hisses, lifts up his head again and when his eyes meet Siwon’s, the intensity of rage and hatred inside that beautiful pair of green eyes sends a shiver raking down Siwon’s body.
“Your father said he had no power to resist me. He fucking blamed me for making him falling in love with me, for making him do all those horrible things he did. But isn’t it ridiculous because I have never asked to be born this way. I never wished for the looks I have. And now it’s you…” Hankyung shakes his head and another single drop of tear is falling down from Hankyung’s glistening eyes, rolling down his cheeks. “You’re exactly just like him.”
That accusation leaves Siwon speechless.
He has assumed that Hankyung will find it hard to accept his love confession. After all this time, after everything that has happened between the two of them, even if Siwon is sure that deep down Hankyung still loves him, Siwon knows that there’s it’ll be hard for Hankyung to believe right away in the truth of Siwon’s feelings. But watching the way Hankyung’s face scrunches with emotions as he’s sitting there, his body’s trembling visibly, Siwon never thought that his honesty would hurt Hankyung this much. He looks so angry yet so miserable that it pains Siwon just by seeing him.
“You said you avoided me because you didn’t want to take away my happiness, but you never knew how lonely and painful it was for me to realize that all of a sudden all I could see was your back in the distance, out of my reach. You couldn’t even look at me in the eyes, couldn’t bear to stay in the same room with me. Fuck, you didn’t even bother to tell me why or how. In those moments that I needed you most, you were finally gone, just like that…. I was just a boy who felt so excited because after years of my life, I finally got the family I’d always wanted. But why did it turned out to be like this? Your father took away my innocence and all I could do was just lay there, trying hard to bear all of the things he did to me for the sake of my mother. And then you --the man I admired, the man I looked up to so much …the man that I later realized is the guy whom I fell in love with-- you suddenly avoided me like a plague. Leaving me alone with no one else to turn to, wondering for so long just what was it I did wrong that made you hate me so much….” Hankyung’s voice is cracking and another tear falls. “…And that was why I came back. That was why I left everything and everyone: friends whom I love and love me back. I mustered up all my courage just to see you once again because I needed you to tell me why. I wanted to fix our relationship so that I can be beside you once again. But all I got in the end was just another broken heart and cruel humiliation. And now you told me that you did it because of me? That it was all because you want me to remain happy?”
“You and your damn father have caused me nothing but suffering. Do you really think that after saying all that bullshit about loving me then I’ll just simply forget everything?” Hankyung wipes his tears angrily. “Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve had enough of this, Hyung. Now I’m asking you to walk out of that door and never look for me again. Let’s just pretend that we’ve never known each other. And forget that I’ve ever said I love you, because that feeling has already gone. I simply just don’t. Not anymore. After so long, finally I’m free, and I’m just so glad to have this chance to start a new life. A life that for once won’t have you in it.”
Hankyung’s breath is racing as soon as he finished talking. For a long moment, he and Siwon are just staring at each other’s eyes.
Siwon’s fear has come true. Hankyung has clearly stated that he doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again. Despite his tightening grip on the sheet, Siwon tries his best to stay calm. Things have already been too hard for Hankyung without him adding something worse into the drama.
Hankyung’s face is flushing red with all the emotions churning inside him. His whole body looks as if it screams at Siwon to stay away, to just leave him alone.
But Siwon already knows that he can’t do that. Hearing all those words Hankyung said, Siwon realizes even more that there’s just no way he can ever let Hankyung go now.
“I can’t do that.” Siwon says his thought out loud, hoping Hankyung won’t be able to hear the panic in his hoarse voice.
Hankyung glares. “What is it, huh? Feels like you haven’t finished destroying my life yet?”
“I’ve made mistakes, Hankyung-ah. Mistakes I never meant to make. Turns out there are just too many things I’ve done wrong when it comes to you, more than I’ve ever imagined. And I kept losing you because of that. But I swear to God I’ll do anything to make sure that I will never lose you again.” Siwon says with gritted teeth. His expression shows great determination.
Hankyung slams his head back onto the pillow hard, frustrated. “Oh, Hyung, shut up. Why won’t you just shut up and go?” He groans.
But Siwon is nothing but persistent. “Look, I can’t undo what I did. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to erase all your pain or heal those scars in your heart. But I have to try. You’ve got to let me try, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon moves, approach Hankyung with careful steps so now he’s standing right beside Hankyung’s bed, very close to him.
Hankyung realizes the shortened distance, and quickly lifts his head up again. But he has nowhere to go and all he can do is just sink his body deeper into the mattress, inching to the side, fighting to maintain his threatened personal space. Staring up at Siwon’s face above him, Hankyung can’t help but feel afraid and the feeling of helplessness he felt just by having Siwon this close has somehow pissed him even more.
“You’re such a pompous jerk.” Hankyung says with angry tone. “Everything has to be exactly like how you want it, doesn’t it?”
Those fiery words coming out of Hankyung’s mouth is followed by sudden flow of overwhelming emotions inside him that can’t be stopped even when he tries to. “The Great Choi Siwon took pity on an orphaned boy. He threw some bread crumbs for the boy to eat. But after a while he got bored of him. So he turned his back away from him and gave the boy no other choice than to accept his avoidance.” Hankyung’s gaze is all fury heat towards the sight of Siwon who’s still watching him sharply as he continues. “But then his beloved father died, the boy dares to live, and Choi Siwon decided that the boy must be rid from his sight. But after the boy grew to be a man, he stupidly returned. And when he did, Choi Siwon refused to hear everything he was trying to say. He even cruelly stripped what little was left of his dignity. And once again, the whole world bowed down before his wish. Then one day, Choi Siwon suddenly has a change of opinion, so the boy has to accept it too. He instantly tried to force his way into the boy’s life, or else by God he swore he’ll do anything to make sure the boy is willing to let him do so…” An embarrassing stinging in his eyes and the overwhelmed pain caused by his own words make Hankyung speechless all of a sudden, his lips trembling and helplessly his eyes are widened, staring at Siwon’s figure from beneath layers of tears so thick that Siwon’s face looks blurred in his eye view.
“… And then Choi Siwon decides that he wants to have the boy for his own.” Siwon growls, continuing right where Hankyung had left off before ducking his head down and catches Hankyung’s lips with his own in one swift kisses.
Hankyung only has a few seconds to freeze up before feeling himself sinking into waves of sensation and lust that burns, getting lost in the dizzying intensity that makes him weak all of a sudden. He can’t help his reaction because for fuck sake this is Siwon who’s kissing him like his life depends on it. Unconsciously, Hankyung’s hands are lifted up to touch Siwon’s hard jaw, only to drag it further back to sink inside Siwon’s thick strands of dark hair. Wild heat is spreading throughout Hankyung’s whole body, and he holds on to Siwon tightly, fighting to get closer and closer in his effort, trying to take all he can get.
Hankyung is used to dreaming about kissing Siwon. Hell, he has even lost count on how many times he had imagined about it. But he never thought that the feeling he’d get when those strong lips are devouring his can be this intoxicating.
The shock he gets from Siwon’s kiss can only be compared by the way his body’s shivering uncontrollably as Siwon’s long fingers are sneaking inside through the rim of his hospital gown’s low collar, slowly caressing every inch of Hankyung’s skin they can touch beneath. Hankyung can feel Siwon’s shuddering along with his as those fingers finally find their way onto one of Hankyung’s sensitive nipples.
Siwon is teasing him with a speed and skill so good that all of a sudden Hankyung feels panic. He jerks his hands off Siwon’s hair and tries to rid the older man’s roaming fingers from his sensitive skin, but instead his hands grab the back of Siwon’s palms, automatically and unconsciously follows his basic instinct that never wants Siwon to stop. Great clashing between his fear and longing shakes Hankyung to the core.
This man is more than able to break you. He did it back then so what makes you think he won’t do it again, Hankyung?
The thought flashes in Hankyung’s mind. And the strikes of fear that come after makes him stop his unconscious attempt of free-falling into crates of self-destruction. He tries to pull his lips off Siwon’s but Siwon just pulls him even closer.
Hankyung just can’t take it anymore. He feels so afraid and frustrated and it surprises him when he realizes the coldness ghosting over his now really wet cheeks. A soft sob escapes his throat and upon hearing it, Siwon suddenly goes completely still.
Unbearable shame makes Hankyung rip his lips off Siwon’s, turning his face away to hide his flushed face. He can’t breathe for trying to hold back sobs, causing his chest to throb painfully. Hankyung grits his teeth in his effort to control himself.
Siwon stares at him. His hand caresses Hankyung’s wet cheek and gently he pulls the younger man inside his tight embrace, resting his jaw on top of Hankyung’s head. Hankyung’s body tenses, but all the churning emotions inside are weakening him and he has no power to shake Siwon off.
Siwon doesn’t say anything for a long time, yet Hankyung can still feel vibes of anger coming out of his pores. And Hankyung doesn’t know how he knows --he even doubts it-- but somehow he senses that Siwon’s anger isn’t aimed at Hankyung but more to himself instead.
“It’s like I said… I love you, Hankyung.” Siwon finally speaks, his voice is hoarse. “I always have and always will. And no matter how many times you ask me to leave, even with tears brimming in your beautiful green eyes, I don’t think I will ever be able to let myself walk away from you. Not again. Not when I can still see you look at me like that, eyes darkened with desire and longing, just like how I remembered. That’s why I beg you Hankyung-ah, please…. Please let me make it up to you and I’m sure someday you can finally learn to trust me.”
Unexpectedly, Siwon’s words break the spell Hankyung is in. Those things he says brings back Hankyung’s anger. Most people might find that those strings of beautiful sentences, if those were said to them, can really cure any heartache they have inside their heart. But for Hankyung, that’s not the case.
Ever since that day Hankyung left the Choi’s residence, he found that he had no more reason to think that positively towards anything. And it’s probably the greatest change that’s happened to him, since he was never like this before. He used to be so optimistic. He wouldn’t have decided to return back for Siwon if he wasn’t.
But the painful life he has been living up until now, if anything, has finally succeeded on teaching him a hard learned lesson:
There is something wrong with him.
It’s like he’s been cursed to live his life alone for the rest of his life. Nobody loves him. There’s no one who can. Even if somebody did, in the end someone or something would make them leave. And Hankyung has done blaming others. No matter how pathetic it makes his life become, Hankyung has no other choice but to accept the fact that it was all his own fault.
That’s why Hankyung feels so angry at Siwon right now. Can’t he see that what he said has given Hankyung hope? It’s something Hankyung doesn’t allow himself to have again. Because in the end, he’ll be the only person left with another wound in his heart that won’t heal.
And it’s also infuriating for Hankyung to hear Siwon saying with confidence that Hankyung still loves him, because it’s a reality Hankyung has been trying like hell to forget. It’s a fact that he’s been denying over and over again everyday. He has been trying to bury that feeling in the deepest of his mind and Siwon is so wrong if he thinks Hankyung will want to dig it up to the surface again.
Siwon is the man who had hurt him the most. He’s the reason why Hankyung’s life has become this miserable, and he is nowhere near ready to forgive him. There’s just too much to put at stake if he does.
Suddenly energized by rage, Hankyung shoves Siwon away hard, putting a distance between Siwon’s too-close-for-comfort body and his, as far as he can. And he watches with satisfaction as Siwon stumbles a few steps back from the strength of his pushing.
Hankyung wipes his wet lips roughly with the back of his hand, trying unsuccessfully to get rid of all the taste of Siwon from his lips. His eyes are narrowing dangerously as he stares at Siwon’s surprised face.
“I don’t think you get it, Hyung.” Hankyung says with cold tone. “I’ve said it before and now I’ll say it again. I don’t love you anymore. So please stop hallucinating and just leave me alone. No matter what you do, I’ll never trust my heart to anyone else, ever again.”
Siwon’s jaw visibly tightened at Hankyung’s words. For a long time, no one says anything and they just stare at each other.
“I get it.” Siwon says, breaking the silence between them. “I understand that right now it’s impossible for me to earn back your love and trust.”
Siwon looks so defeated that it surprises Hankyung. It’s rare to see that expression on Siwon’s face and at the same time Hankyung feels relieved because it seems Siwon finally will decide to walk out of his life forever.
But apparently Hankyung’s assumption is wrong, because the next second Siwon’s familiar determined expression returns.
“That’s why all I can do right now is to work harder to win you back.” Siwon says with a serious face. “No matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. And this time, I’ll make sure myself that there’ll be nothing or no one to get in our way.”
Hankyung’s staring him as if he was crazy but Siwon ignores him and continues. “You wouldn’t want to go back home with me for nothing. I understand that you must feel it’s a useless thing to do considering what had happened. That being said, I know you can’t just surrender your heart to me. But at least I can still create one last chance for myself, can I?”
Hankyung looks confused at that. “What do you mean?”
“Give me the price.” Siwon says. “Tell me how much I should pay to make you willing to come home with me and stay for a month.”
Siwon stands there --giving Hankyung his proposal which is actually part of his plan-- and tries not to show how panicked he actually feels right now. Hankyung is trying to close all the doors on him. And Siwon knows he must do something, anything, if he doesn’t want to lose Hankyung forever.
Siwon has lost him twice before. The first time was because he chose to leave Hankyung. And the second time was because he forced Hankyung to leave him. But he sure as hell won’t lose him for the third time. It’s simply unacceptable and though Siwon is aware that once again he is being selfish, Siwon is sure that all he needs to get Hankyung back to his side is more time.
And that’s how this fucked up plan came out. Putting aside the disgusted feeling towards himself for putting Hankyung in this kind of situation, for now it’s the only thing Siwon can do.
“Did you…” Hankyung looks like he can’t believe his ears. “Did you just say that you wanted to buy me?”
“Yes, I did.” Siwon answers with no hesitation.
Hankyung gapes, too speechless to say anything.
“Fuck you, Hyung.” Hankyung hisses, finally coherent enough to respond. “You’re totally one crazy bastard, you know that?”
“What’s wrong?” Siwon taunts. “Don’t tell me you’re going to say no to my offer? I mean, you were the one who said that you don’t have any feeling whatsoever for me, weren’t you? Then just treat me like your other customers and I’m sure we won’t have a problem.”
Hankyung’s eyes widened, annoyed because suddenly he realizes what this is about: Siwon is actually challenging him. The bastard is testing him to see if what he said about his feelings for Siwon is true.
“Buying my time for a whole month, it’s going to be so expensive.” Hankyung says, desperate in his effort to make Siwon forget his intention.
“You know I’m more than able to afford it, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon blocks it easily.
Hankyung sneers. “Even if that’s the way it is, you should know that I’m picky when it comes to my customers. And I really don’t think you’re qualified enough to be one.”
“Really?” Siwon raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry but I find myself doubting that. I bet you have a long list of clients that are much worse than me, don’t you?”
Hankyung narrows his eyes. “Not really. It depends on what qualification we’re talking about.”
Siwon is about to say something back when suddenly the door is opened and Dr. Kim enters the room again.
He stares at both Hankyung and Siwon, probably realizing the tense atmosphere hanging in the air. “Is everything okay?”
“We’re fine, doctor. Just… we’re in the middle of talking about some family matters.” Siwon assures the doctor with a smile, seeing from the corner of his eyes that Hankyung only grits his teeth at his words.
Dr. Kim seems to find the answer satisfying because he nods before clearing his throat and walks towards Hankyung. “Hankyung-sshi, judging from the result of your examination, I can see that your body is recovering pretty fast. Therefore, I think I can give you a permission to leave the hospital today.”
Hankyung’s face brightens up at hearing that. He has been starting to get fed up with this room, the ridiculous hospital gown they made him wear, this stupid bed, and the fact that Siwon is here with him and stealing his breath just by his existence. He misses his secluded and private apartment. “Oh, that’s great.” Hankyung says cheerfully. “Then can I leave right this afternoon?”
Dr. Kim smiles knowingly at hearing Hankyung’s excitement. “Sure, as soon as you both are ready, I’ll come and give you a final check up. I’ll also give you some prescriptions that you need to take regularly during your healing period. Siwon-sshi can contact the administration office for you and after he’s done taking care of your bills and buying your meds, both of you can leave this hospital.”
Hankyung frowns. “Wait a minute, doctor. I think you misunderstand.” Hankyung points at Siwon and says, “I’m not leaving with him.”
Dr. Kim looks confused. “Oh? You’re not? But Siwon-sshi here had convinced me earlier that you’ll be taken care of well at home. Aren’t you two brothers living together?”
Hankyung can’t believe what he had heard. So that is what Siwon and the doctor were talking about. Slowly, he turns his gaze to the still standing Siwon, and glares. To Hankyung’s annoyance, Siwon is pretending not to see that.
“No, we’re not. And I can take care of myself, doctor.” Hankyung said to the doctor, eyes filled with anger still fixed on Siwon. “I will go home to my own apartment.”
“Do you have someone there who can help take care of you until you’re completely recovered?” Dr. Kim asks Hankyung.
“Huh?” Hankyung blinks. “No, I live alone.”
Dr. Kim’s kind smile suddenly disappears at hearing that. “Well, then. I’m sorry but if that’s so then I have to tell you that won’t do. Even though I said your health is getting better, you can’t be alone until you’re completely well. Some of the wounds on your body are still fresh and they need extra care, and since most of the meds I’ll give you have sedative effects, I don’t think you can treat it by yourself.”
Hankyung helplessly wants to groan. He gives Siwon a hateful stare, his chin is up, showing determination. “Fine, than I’ll stay for a few more days.”
Siwon says nothing. He’s been talking to the doctor; Siwon knows Dr. Kim is going to drop another bomb to Hankyung’s statement. Hankyung thinks he still has a way to get out of this possibility of living with Siwon once again, but really, soon he’ll realize that he’s been pushed to the corner and he won’t be able to escape.
“I’m sorry, Hankyung-sshi. But I think you wouldn’t want that either.” Dr. Kim clears his throat, giving Hankyung a regretful look. “You see, I have no choice but to ask you leave this hospital today. Like I said before, it has been a normal protocol for doctors to report such cases as yours to the police. But I understand that no one in this room would have wanted that, would we? Considering what you do for living, I’m sure police interference would only bring more trouble for you. Trust me, I know. It’s not my first time dealing with patients who work as a hustler. They ended up getting more hard times when the police came in to join the crowd and I felt bad for them. That’s why I decide to be lenient on you. But I can’t keep hiding this from my colleagues. Sooner or later someone will find out. So I’m telling you that if you insist on staying here, even for just one more day, then I won’t have any other choice but to contact the authorities.”
Hankyung is really annoyed now.
What the hell?
Suddenly, through the speaker placed on the hospital hall outside, three of them can hear a woman’s voice, announcing that Dr. Kim is needed in ICU STAT.
“Ah, duty calls. You two can talk about this alone and when you have your decision, please let me know. If I’m not in my office by then, please just wait, okay?” The doctor says and then walks out of the door in a hurry.
As soon as the door is shut closed, Hankyung turns his attention on Siwon.
“Okay, what was that?” Hankyung asks, his tone is angry and demanding. “Don’t tell me you had nothing to do with it.”
Siwon tries hard to act innocent and keep his excitement hidden. “I really didn’t have anything to do with it, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon speaks the half truth.
Well, he indeed has done some small things to make the situation spiraling into this. But the rest of it comes out just naturally.
Actually, at first Siwon was unable to come up with any plan whatsoever. He was just too unsure and afraid to figure out one. But then Hankyung fainted and things were starting to roll into unexpected ways, and that’s when this plan popped inside his head.
It’s obvious that he still can’t persuade Hankyung to come back home with him after he apologized and cleared things up. Not even after confessing his love to him. But at the moment Hankyung is left with no choice but to accept Siwon’s earlier offer. Telling Hankyung that he’ll pay Hankyung to come home is just Siwon’s way to make it easier and less stressful for Hankyung’s already battered mind.
Now that he thinks about it, the way this complicated situation turns out to be such a big help for him is perhaps one of God’s way of telling him that he can still have one more chance. And he has every full intention to make a good use of it.
“I don’t believe this.” Hankyung groans.
The despair Siwon hears in Hankyung’s words wears off his excitement. Siwon dares himself to step forward. “Please, Hankyung. Don’t make things get more difficult on both of us. I believe this is the only win-win solution we have. I want to spend more time with you so I can try to make you see how sincere and sorry I am. But we both know that you won’t want to do it just like that. So now I’m offering you a reason that is totally unsentimental so you can at least put yourself at ease while you’re doing it. You seem so eager to get rid of me. But the way I see it, it’s either you give me a chance and the time I need to prove to you that I’ve changed, or you will never get your peace because I can guarantee I’ll keep showing up in front of you until you cave in.” Siwon grips the side of Hankyung’s bed, letting Hankyung see how determined and serious he is when he continues, “I meant it when I said that no matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. So just consider my offer, will you? If by the end of that one month you still can’t find a place for me in your heart, then you can leave with your money and I promise I won’t ever bother you again.”
Hankyung shakes his head, frustrated. “Can’t you see that it’s useless?”
“I have to believe it’ll be otherwise.” Siwon perseveres.
Hearing that, Hankyung’s gaze is a defeated one as he looks at Siwon for a long time.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Hankyung asks with bitter voice, and Siwon can see his hands are gripping the already rumpled sheet tightly.
Siwon gulps down. He turns his gaze onto the floor, unable to bear the sight in front of him. Hankyung looking at him like that, he can’t help but feel saddened. But there’s just no way he will back down now.
“I’m sorry. Even after all of this, you’re still the one who has to bear the most sadness.” Hoarsely, Siwon tells Hankyung in the end before lifting his face and looks right into Hankyung’s eyes. “But I need you to give me this last chance.”
Hankyung is silent for a moment.
“Fine, I’ll take your offer.” Hankyung finally says and his jaw is tightened. “However, before you start being delusional, let me remind you that starting from this second, you’re just my client and I’m just your whore. That’ll be it. And I’ll tell you what is going to happen between us once we go back. You can fuck me whenever and wherever you want to. With some extra money on the bill; I’ll even let you cum inside my mouth.” Hankyung ignores Siwon’s cringing at his blunt words and instead continues on talking with gritted teeth. “You can do almost everything to me. Hell, you’re paying so that’s how it should be. But don’t expect me to have any expectations, Hyung. Don’t tell me to look forward to anything you’ll do that you think will be able to make me forget all the pain you’ve caused. You must know that every second I’ll spend with you for the next one month will be the worst moments in my life and nothing can ever change that. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I won’t let myself fall for you again.”
Siwon says nothing to that. It’s useless anyway because starting at this point; he realizes actions will work better for both of them instead of words.
Walking away from Hankyung, Siwon prays silently that somehow, before his time runs out, a miracle will happen between the two of them and they’ll finally be able to reach their happiness.
“I’ll go and tell the doctor that we’ve reached a decision.” Siwon says and Hankyung is just watching him silently, lost inside his own thought as the older man disappears behind the door.
TBC
PS: Okay, I'll be honest. For the next two weeks I have to study intensively for my Master Degree Entrance test. So Idk when I will be able to update new chapter... T____________T
I'll try to steal some writing times in between, and comments always make me motivated. XD
Please be patient and stay awesome as you are, okay, BBs?
Oh, and wish me luck on my test next month, please? ^_______^
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.