[Series]A Story of Hurting and Healing, Chapter 15
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : NC-17 for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, KangHyuk, very minor SiChul.
Word Count : 3742 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author’s note:
Another late update. Sorry. But I'm having a problem and left with no choice. I really need your help so maybe you can read the notice at the end of this chapter and take a peek if you have time? If you do, thank you~!
And as always, hope you'll enjoy this one too. Especially this one... ^^
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14
Hankyung knows if he wants to finally tell Siwon about everything, he must do it before Siwon leaving for work. If he waits until tonight, his courage might leave him and things in his life will never change.
Feeling sluggish, he rises up from bed and walks towards the bathroom. He’ll need more than just a shower today, so he pours the scented liquid of bubble bath into the tub rather generously and fills it with warm water.
Once he gets all relaxed inside the bubbly water, Hankyung takes a long and deep breath, trying to calm himself down. But the bathtub's wonder and all the self-humming turn out working only a little to relieve the thumping heart and anxious feeling that start to formed inside him.
Putting on his most comfortable clothes (a shirt and his favorite worn out black jeans), Hankyung stares at his reflection in the mirror.
There’re obvious eye bags under his eyes and his lips have become so red due to his teeth’s constant biting. But overall his outer appearance looks just fine, as if today isn’t the day where his entire fate will be bet on. Siwon won’t assume anything just by looking at him right now.
Yet Hankyung knows better and he can feel his stomach coiling due to the nervousness.
Hankyung exits his room and walks through the hallway towards dining room, realizing that it’s still a bit too early to have breakfast but can’t bear to just stay inside.
There’s only Jung Eum there who is preparing the table. She looks up when Hankyung walks in.
Hankyung feels a bit down but strangely at the same time feels relieved that he hasn’t had to face Siwon, yet. “Jung Eum-sshi, where’s my brother?” He asks.
“Ah, Siwon-sshi said that he will have his breakfast at the office today. He’s still in his room right now, getting ready for work.” She tells Hankyung with a smile before resuming on preparing the table.
Hankyung is standing there --eyes unconsciously watching Jung Eum putting down plates and foods on the table--, torn apart between waiting for Siwon to come downstairs or just speeding this whole torturing process by meeting Siwon up in his room.
But, he has already figured that in this case the sooner is the better.
Jung Eum finishes her last touch on the table and looks up at Hankyung again. “Hankyung-sshi, would you like to have your breakfast now?”
Hankyung blinks at that, mind's still reeling, and shakes his head with a little smile. “Thanks, but I need to talk with Siwon right now, so I guess I’ll have it later, Jung Eum-sshi.” Then Hankyung turns back and starts walking slowly towards the staircase.
Hankyung knocks Siwon’s door once and when a low “Who is it?” heard from behind the door, Hankyung licks his lips nervously before answering.
“It’s Hankyung. I need to have a word with you, Hyung.”
For a moment there’s only silence, and Hankyung is fidgeting on his feet.
“I’m in a rush.” Siwon finally responds with a grunt. “Can’t it wait?”
Hankyung can’t help but wonder if he is not the only one who is still so much influenced by what happened last night. Siwon sounds angry, and pissed off, and once again Hankyung has this feeling that Siwon’s pissed off to no one but himself.
“I need to talk.” Hankyung perseveres, and cringes when he can hear Siwon cursing before the door swings opened a few seconds later.
“What?!” Siwon scowls, frown on his forehead and he looks terribly annoyed in his half unbuttoned grey shirt and black pants. Hankyung notices Siwon has eye bags too and he can smell reeks of alcohol faintly coming from inside the room and a little bit of it from Siwon’s breath.
Hankyung gulps down and offers Siwon a weak smile. “Can I please come in?”
Siwon glares at him for long minutes and Hankyung has been preparing himself to hear another rejection when finally Siwon steps back from the opened door, a silent invitation for Hankyung to come in.
Hankyung steps in and closes the door behind him. Feels a bit like a lost kid, Hankyung looks around the room that is dominated with brown color and wooden furniture, wondering whether he should be sitting down on that antique chair right there or just standing around somewhere near the door, just in case Siwon loses his patience and kicks him out.
Hankyung does the last and Siwon just barely glances at him standing awkwardly there as he’s rummaging inside his drawer.
“Okay, now talk.” Siwon drawls ignorantly, and pulls out a red tie from somewhere inside it.
Hankyung stares down. Now as he stands in front of Siwon, suddenly he feels his throat clogged by doubt and fear though he knows he must not turning back.
“Um.... I’ve been thinking all night, and I’ve decided to tell you the truth about everything.” Hankyung starts with his hands fidgeting, still doesn’t dare looking at Siwon.
Siwon lifts one of his eyebrows. “Really?” He says dismissively while his hands are busy fixing up the tie around his neck. “You always seemed so set in keeping things for yourself. Why change your mind?”
Hankyung doesn’t say anything for a while, thinking how he can tell Siwon about everything without making the situation worse than it has been. He glances at an almost empty glass and a half a bottle of whisky on the table at his right side, unconsciously wondering how much Siwon had drunk last night.
“Living with you for a couple of weeks, I can feel how much you hate me.” Hankyung's voice is hoarse and then he finally looks up. “Really Siwon-hyung, it kills me inside and I want your hatred to end. But I realize it won’t be gone until I explain all of the things that have been hidden in the dark for so long.”
Siwon finishes tucking in his shirt into his pants and he stands there, staring at Hankyung with a smirk on his face. “Yeah?” He folds his hands on his chest. “What things?”
“About the reason I left three years ago, and some other things that you should know. I’m hoping what I'm going to say can make us restart our relationship all over again, in a more better terms.” Hankyung clutches his end of shirts with his restless hands. This is it.
“I love you, Hyung.”
Siwon’s smirk disappears at that.
“I know you don’t believe me, or maybe you’re disgusted on hearing me saying this, but I really do love you, more than a love for a brother. That's being said, maybe you can imagine how all of these loathe and vengeance you keep inside yourself for me are driving me crazy with each day passed by. I’ve been trying to hide it for like, ever. But I’m done with it now.” Hankyung is rambling, he knows, and he can’t help it because Siwon is still standing there without saying anything. “I want you to know that I’ve always loved you, so deeply. I don’t know when it started or what had caused it but the fact is you’re the only one who can make me feel this way.” Hankyung says that last words with breath racing.
He finally, finally, told Siwon about how he feels, and all these fears and reliefs mix into one inside him. Hankyung wonders if perhaps he should stop talking now before he scares Siwon with his heart-spilling words.
Siwon stares at Hankyung in a shock expression. “You love me?”
And looking at the way Siwon’s voice gets soft as he said it, Hankyung almost choked in emotion because all of this is suddenly becoming too much for him. “Yes, Hyung, I do.”
Siwon averts his gaze from Hankyung to the floor blankly, seems like he’s still trying to digest Hankyung’s sudden confession into his mind. But then he looks up and his gaze is sharp once again. “Then why did you leave me?” His voice cracks at the end.
Hankyung shakes his head slowly. “I’ve never wanted to tell you this, but..., I’ve gotten my shares of pain for so long, Hyung.... I just can't take it anymore.” Gulping down all his doubts, Hankyung tries to be strong and looks at Siwon straight in the eyes. “Min Woo, your father… He’s… I’m barely 17 when he first started to touch me.”
Siwon blinks, and gapes a second later. “What?”
“...He had been abusing me ever since my second year of Senior High, Hyung. He was abusing me mentally and sexually. And everyday, everyday, I had to bear with all of the things he did to me because Min Woo said he won’t pay for my mother’s treatment if I ever said no.” Hankyung shakes his head sadly, realizing how his voice is trembling. “You were gone and she’s all I had left. I couldn’t afford to lose her, Hyung.”
Siwon’s eyes are staring unfocusedly in his shock.
The tears that have already brimming in Hankyung's eyes are threatening to fall down in any minute now, but Hankyung does all he can to prevent that from happening. It’s not his time to cry. It’s not him whose heart is going to be broken at this spoken truth.
“Then my mother died, and I knew right then that it was my God given chance to save myself, away from Min Woo.” Hankyung continues in a softer tone. “So I ran away, because it'd be impossible for me to live in this house for even a second longer with Min Woo around, reminding me restlessly of things he had done to me.”
Siwon suddenly laughs, shaking his head over and over again. “No, no way. If it’s true I would’ve known, would I?” His eyes are wild as he throws those words to Hankyung.
“You weren’t there, Siwon-hyung.” Hankyung hisses, helpless at repressing the horrible memories suddenly flooding his mind, tearing open those old wounds and burns his heart. “You never were. Even until now I've never figured out what made you could barely look at me in the eyes ever since we’d grown up into teenagers.”
Siwon seems to be taken aback by that and his jaws tightened, but he says nothing.
“Look, me telling you all of this now, I wasn’t blaming anyone here for what had happened.” Hankyung smothers his hair back desperately. His emotions are starting to get out of control and if he lets it go on like this, things will surely get messy and stray much too far from his earlier intentions. “All I want now is for you to know the truth, to understand the reason why I did what I did three years ago. It wasn’t because of you. It never was. I love you too much to leave you without good reason. And now I hope after we clear things out, we can start all over again.”
Siwon shakes his head wildly, and Hankyung can feel his panic comes back at the sight of Siwon smothering his hair angrily.
“I’m not asking you to love me back.” Hankyung licks his suddenly dried lips, notices how his voice has started to sound begging. “I’m just asking you to forgive me and forget everything in the past. Let’s be brothers, friends, whatever it is you want to happen between us, but please no more hatred, Hyung.” Hankyung rubs his wet eyes because Siwon’s figure is starting to get really blurry now. “Not from you. I can’t live with it much longer.”
For a moment nothing heard from both of their mouth, until Siwon growls. “Shut up.”
“Siwon-hyung?” Hankyung whispers, feels scared by dark expression suddenly appeared in Siwon’s face.
Siwon moves fast and suddenly Hankyung feels a big hand grabbing his top shirt. The next things Hankyung knows is Siwon hoisting him backwards swiftly and he lets out a loud huff as he feels his back make an impact with the wall.
“You lying jerk. Stop saying bad things about my father.” Siwon glares at Hankyung, his eyes narrowing with burning anger and so much else.
Hankyung can see all the hurts in Siwon’s eyes, knowing that this is exactly what he feared the most if he tells Siwon. It’s surely making him suffer so much to know that Min Woo is not the same person he has in mind for years.
“Siwon-hyung...,” Hankyung says with trembling voice, can’t bear the wounded expression in Siwon’s face and the fact that Siwon’s whole body is trembling. “I’m sorry. Really I am. But I’m telling the truth and sooner or later you’ll have to deal with it.”
Siwon growls and shakes him up, and this time Hankyung cringes when his head bangs the wall pretty hard due to Siwon’s harsh movement.
“Shut up or I swear to God I’ll kill you with my own hands.” Siwon hisses and Hankyung really can’t stop his tears from falling this time.
He doesn’t know what else he can do or say to make this, to make them, right.
“Hyung…” Hankyung runs a hand over Siwon’s cold cheeks, trying to calm him down. But Siwon shakes his hands off with his other free hand and his eyes are so dark in color when he sneers.
“What makes you think I’ll believe you? Who knows if you’re lying or not? You could be seducing my father into doing what you said he was doing for all I know.” Siwon’s eyes are squinting angrily. “Everyone knows you’re always thirsty for attention, Hankyung. Your daddy left you when you were still just a kid, while your mom was lying weakly on bed in those times you needed her most. And I was off just so I could be away from you as far as possible.”
Hankyung gapes at Siwon’s accusing and hurting words.
But Siwon ignores it as he leans his face forward, huffing against Hankyung's paling face. “You were lonely, and my father was there, with his unconditional love for you and you took advantage of it, didn’t you?”
Hankyung shakes his head repeatedly, is afraid now because he can feel Siwon’s grips on his collar is just getting tighter and stronger.
“You tempted him, didn’t you Hankyung? You tempted him with your angelic looks and beautiful smile. You were so hollow inside and nobody wanted to fill it in for you so you used my father to satisfy your sick needs.” Siwon is shouting now. “You’re the one who turned him into this awful person like you said he was, didn’t you?!”
Hankyung shuts his eyes tight, hoping to bury down Siwon’s words deep into the back of his mind because they hurt much more than this big hand that is hoisting and half choking him with unimaginable strength.
Siwon’s breath is hot in his ear when he whispers, “You want me to stop hating you, little brother? Then keep dreaming.”
Siwon grips Hankyung tighter, and drags him along as he turns towards the bed and throws Hankyung onto it.
“I think you haven’t fully grasped it in your mind on just how much I loathe you. So, let me show it to you now.” Siwon says in a low tone as he slowly unfastens his tie and makes step after step, approaching the bed where Hankyung’s laying helplessly.
Seeing that, Hankyung realizes exactly what Siwon means with it and fear is clutching him so tight. All of a sudden he feels like he’s 16 again, helpless and crying with Min Woo's roaming hands on his skin.
Panic and scared, Hankyung scurries back on the bed, trying to escape Siwon’s seemingly unstoppable wrath.
But as Siwon’s hand reaches forward and grips one of his legs, Hankyung knows he's done for.
---00o00---
It hurts.
Hankyung remembers that it is indeed supposed to hurt, especially when it’s done this roughly and unprepared.
But it hurts a lot more this time.
The pain is flaring hotly through his body, and it’s so excruciating that Hankyung can only burrow his head deeper into the sheet, gritting his teeth. He is trying to escape the pain, pushes his body away in caterpillar-like movement, but Siwon’s strong grip in his waist stops him from moving.
Then something clicks on his head.
It’s not his body which is in pain. Not when he can feel it goes numb with every thrust.
It’s his inside that is on fire, and it feels like the hotness is spreading wildly, trying so hard to find a way out. But he can sense that all of him is closing up. Even his pores felt like they're scrunching in; trying with no success to refuse to let out even a bead of sweat.
This is bad.
Everything in Hankyung wants out.
Everything in him wants to escape this cruel reality. But his body seems so eager to shut him down, to make him oblivious to everything outside just so it can force him to fully acknowledge what he feels inside.
Hankyung is squeezing his eyes shut all the time, hopes by doing so; he can dodge the harsh fact that this is different.
God, this whole thing --the hands that are roughly caressing his back, the teeth brutally nipping his ear line, the whole non-consented sexual thing-- they are so familiar that Hankyung can almost feel tingles of anticipation along with disgust coursing through his body.
But this is different. This is not that damn Min Woo.
This is Siwon.
This is Siwon who is pinning his hand painfully behind his back to prevent him from escaping.
This is Siwon who is thrusting hard and raw inside Hankyung despite his scattered pleading for him to stop.
This is Siwon whose breathing is heavy on top of him, drowning in his own search of pleasure and ignores Hankyung’s pain.
This is Siwon who's whispering dirty and demeaning words to him; desperately tries to crush Hankyung’s already dented pride into pieces of dust.
This is his Siwon. His beloved Siwon. His everything.
This is Siwon who tenses suddenly, groaning and spilling his burning seed inside Hankyung, and it feels like all of his hate, his anger, his grudge, his everything but love is also spilled inside. So deep that Hankyung knows he’ll feel them for many times to come. And no matter how many times he cleans them out, they’ll stay stuck, for they are like a brand from Siwon for him.
A brand that will mark him as everything but Siwon’s.
A brand that’ll entitle him as something he always is. As whom he meant to be. As something he always refuses to acknowledge for he still holds his hope high.
It is a brand that marks Hankyung as nothing.
So when Siwon withdraws himself, Hankyung almost weeps for the irony that Siwon pulls out in a sickeningly gentle movement right after he fucked Hankyung in a very contradictive way.
It’s like he is afraid he’ll hurt Hankyung if he moves in a hurry. He lets Hankyung’s arms go in a soothing way. And silently, he rises up; lifting himself off of Hankyung’s naked back and off the bed.
His gentleness makes Hankyung’s heart flutter weakly in expectations.
Maybe he’s sorry?
And Hankyung, if anything, is always a sucker for hopes.
So Hankyung gathers his strength, tries hard to ignore the pain and the soreness all over his body. Bit back his whimper when he feels his lower body throbs mercilessly.
Please, Hyung, be sorry.
God, please make him sorry for everything.
Please heal me.
It’s not too late.
I still love you.
Hug me and tell me that I mean something for you.
Say that you love me….
As Hankyung’s scrambling to get up, he prays for God to spare him the sentiment and make his hopes come true.
But apparently, God didn’t take his offer for a truce.
Siwon is sitting on one of the chairs facing the bed. His suit is crumpled and disheveled and his pants are still unzipped, showing traces of dark hair inside. Hankyung can not help but think that Siwon truly looks like a sex god. A very cruel one at that.
He is slouched and slumped over the chair and looks like he is all relaxed, but it’s his eyes that give away everything.
From his eyes, Hankyung knows that once again, his hopes are abandoned.
Siwon is looking at Hankyung with such hatred and a chilly anger, even more intense than before. And somehow, his gaze makes Hankyung feel so dirty, so unworthy than ever.
“I don’t believe in everything you said and I don’t want to hear any of it coming out of your dirty mouth once again.” Siwon’s voice is cold and sharp and it slits Hankyung’s heart open. “This house is yours now. All of my father’s fucking inheritance is yours. And you can have every acre, every damn company, all of my father’s money and all the heartaches and problems that will burden you along with it. I’ll take care of it with Heechul-hyung and make sure all of it will be done legally. And then I wish, by God, I will never have to see your face anymore.”
Siwon’s cruel words make Hankyung’s heart shrink; make something inside him wilt and die.
It’s a litany of hatred and it makes Hankyung suddenly feel so difficult to breathe, or think. All of the soreness, the throbbing pain, the hurt, everything is coming back to him with a full force, and it’s adding up to a dawning realization that he will never be something to Siwon.
Sobbing, Hankyung moves to pick up his scattered clothes on the floor and flees the room.
---00o00---
Siwon thinks he should’ve felt satisfied now because he was just succeeded in realizing his plan to make Hankyung living hell.
But the fact is: all of these sharp regrets and self-hate and pointless anger and the doubts inside him still refuse to go away and Siwon is surprised when he feels a bead of tear rolling down his cheek.
Closing his eyes, Siwon can still remember Hankyung’s whimperings, how he looked so broken right before he collected his clothes and walked out with his head down.
Siwon wipes his face harshly with one of his now sweaty hands and curse this very day as he reaches for the half bottle of whisky on the table.
TBC
PS: My warning has vaguely said it all, so I'm sorry if you're surprised at this twist. :D
Comments, or killing threats are welcomed~!
Guys, I really need HELP. If you have time please read here and let me know if any of you are interested. Thank you.
FOUND A BETA ALREADY~! YAY~! Thank you and welcome to my twisted world of writing, renichifreak!!
*hugs you*
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.
Rating : NC-17 for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, KangHyuk, very minor SiChul.
Word Count : 3742 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author’s note:
Another late update. Sorry. But I'm having a problem and left with no choice. I really need your help so maybe you can read the notice at the end of this chapter and take a peek if you have time? If you do, thank you~!
And as always, hope you'll enjoy this one too. Especially this one... ^^
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14
Hankyung knows if he wants to finally tell Siwon about everything, he must do it before Siwon leaving for work. If he waits until tonight, his courage might leave him and things in his life will never change.
Feeling sluggish, he rises up from bed and walks towards the bathroom. He’ll need more than just a shower today, so he pours the scented liquid of bubble bath into the tub rather generously and fills it with warm water.
Once he gets all relaxed inside the bubbly water, Hankyung takes a long and deep breath, trying to calm himself down. But the bathtub's wonder and all the self-humming turn out working only a little to relieve the thumping heart and anxious feeling that start to formed inside him.
Putting on his most comfortable clothes (a shirt and his favorite worn out black jeans), Hankyung stares at his reflection in the mirror.
There’re obvious eye bags under his eyes and his lips have become so red due to his teeth’s constant biting. But overall his outer appearance looks just fine, as if today isn’t the day where his entire fate will be bet on. Siwon won’t assume anything just by looking at him right now.
Yet Hankyung knows better and he can feel his stomach coiling due to the nervousness.
Hankyung exits his room and walks through the hallway towards dining room, realizing that it’s still a bit too early to have breakfast but can’t bear to just stay inside.
There’s only Jung Eum there who is preparing the table. She looks up when Hankyung walks in.
Hankyung feels a bit down but strangely at the same time feels relieved that he hasn’t had to face Siwon, yet. “Jung Eum-sshi, where’s my brother?” He asks.
“Ah, Siwon-sshi said that he will have his breakfast at the office today. He’s still in his room right now, getting ready for work.” She tells Hankyung with a smile before resuming on preparing the table.
Hankyung is standing there --eyes unconsciously watching Jung Eum putting down plates and foods on the table--, torn apart between waiting for Siwon to come downstairs or just speeding this whole torturing process by meeting Siwon up in his room.
But, he has already figured that in this case the sooner is the better.
Jung Eum finishes her last touch on the table and looks up at Hankyung again. “Hankyung-sshi, would you like to have your breakfast now?”
Hankyung blinks at that, mind's still reeling, and shakes his head with a little smile. “Thanks, but I need to talk with Siwon right now, so I guess I’ll have it later, Jung Eum-sshi.” Then Hankyung turns back and starts walking slowly towards the staircase.
Hankyung knocks Siwon’s door once and when a low “Who is it?” heard from behind the door, Hankyung licks his lips nervously before answering.
“It’s Hankyung. I need to have a word with you, Hyung.”
For a moment there’s only silence, and Hankyung is fidgeting on his feet.
“I’m in a rush.” Siwon finally responds with a grunt. “Can’t it wait?”
Hankyung can’t help but wonder if he is not the only one who is still so much influenced by what happened last night. Siwon sounds angry, and pissed off, and once again Hankyung has this feeling that Siwon’s pissed off to no one but himself.
“I need to talk.” Hankyung perseveres, and cringes when he can hear Siwon cursing before the door swings opened a few seconds later.
“What?!” Siwon scowls, frown on his forehead and he looks terribly annoyed in his half unbuttoned grey shirt and black pants. Hankyung notices Siwon has eye bags too and he can smell reeks of alcohol faintly coming from inside the room and a little bit of it from Siwon’s breath.
Hankyung gulps down and offers Siwon a weak smile. “Can I please come in?”
Siwon glares at him for long minutes and Hankyung has been preparing himself to hear another rejection when finally Siwon steps back from the opened door, a silent invitation for Hankyung to come in.
Hankyung steps in and closes the door behind him. Feels a bit like a lost kid, Hankyung looks around the room that is dominated with brown color and wooden furniture, wondering whether he should be sitting down on that antique chair right there or just standing around somewhere near the door, just in case Siwon loses his patience and kicks him out.
Hankyung does the last and Siwon just barely glances at him standing awkwardly there as he’s rummaging inside his drawer.
“Okay, now talk.” Siwon drawls ignorantly, and pulls out a red tie from somewhere inside it.
Hankyung stares down. Now as he stands in front of Siwon, suddenly he feels his throat clogged by doubt and fear though he knows he must not turning back.
“Um.... I’ve been thinking all night, and I’ve decided to tell you the truth about everything.” Hankyung starts with his hands fidgeting, still doesn’t dare looking at Siwon.
Siwon lifts one of his eyebrows. “Really?” He says dismissively while his hands are busy fixing up the tie around his neck. “You always seemed so set in keeping things for yourself. Why change your mind?”
Hankyung doesn’t say anything for a while, thinking how he can tell Siwon about everything without making the situation worse than it has been. He glances at an almost empty glass and a half a bottle of whisky on the table at his right side, unconsciously wondering how much Siwon had drunk last night.
“Living with you for a couple of weeks, I can feel how much you hate me.” Hankyung's voice is hoarse and then he finally looks up. “Really Siwon-hyung, it kills me inside and I want your hatred to end. But I realize it won’t be gone until I explain all of the things that have been hidden in the dark for so long.”
Siwon finishes tucking in his shirt into his pants and he stands there, staring at Hankyung with a smirk on his face. “Yeah?” He folds his hands on his chest. “What things?”
“About the reason I left three years ago, and some other things that you should know. I’m hoping what I'm going to say can make us restart our relationship all over again, in a more better terms.” Hankyung clutches his end of shirts with his restless hands. This is it.
“I love you, Hyung.”
Siwon’s smirk disappears at that.
“I know you don’t believe me, or maybe you’re disgusted on hearing me saying this, but I really do love you, more than a love for a brother. That's being said, maybe you can imagine how all of these loathe and vengeance you keep inside yourself for me are driving me crazy with each day passed by. I’ve been trying to hide it for like, ever. But I’m done with it now.” Hankyung is rambling, he knows, and he can’t help it because Siwon is still standing there without saying anything. “I want you to know that I’ve always loved you, so deeply. I don’t know when it started or what had caused it but the fact is you’re the only one who can make me feel this way.” Hankyung says that last words with breath racing.
He finally, finally, told Siwon about how he feels, and all these fears and reliefs mix into one inside him. Hankyung wonders if perhaps he should stop talking now before he scares Siwon with his heart-spilling words.
Siwon stares at Hankyung in a shock expression. “You love me?”
And looking at the way Siwon’s voice gets soft as he said it, Hankyung almost choked in emotion because all of this is suddenly becoming too much for him. “Yes, Hyung, I do.”
Siwon averts his gaze from Hankyung to the floor blankly, seems like he’s still trying to digest Hankyung’s sudden confession into his mind. But then he looks up and his gaze is sharp once again. “Then why did you leave me?” His voice cracks at the end.
Hankyung shakes his head slowly. “I’ve never wanted to tell you this, but..., I’ve gotten my shares of pain for so long, Hyung.... I just can't take it anymore.” Gulping down all his doubts, Hankyung tries to be strong and looks at Siwon straight in the eyes. “Min Woo, your father… He’s… I’m barely 17 when he first started to touch me.”
Siwon blinks, and gapes a second later. “What?”
“...He had been abusing me ever since my second year of Senior High, Hyung. He was abusing me mentally and sexually. And everyday, everyday, I had to bear with all of the things he did to me because Min Woo said he won’t pay for my mother’s treatment if I ever said no.” Hankyung shakes his head sadly, realizing how his voice is trembling. “You were gone and she’s all I had left. I couldn’t afford to lose her, Hyung.”
Siwon’s eyes are staring unfocusedly in his shock.
The tears that have already brimming in Hankyung's eyes are threatening to fall down in any minute now, but Hankyung does all he can to prevent that from happening. It’s not his time to cry. It’s not him whose heart is going to be broken at this spoken truth.
“Then my mother died, and I knew right then that it was my God given chance to save myself, away from Min Woo.” Hankyung continues in a softer tone. “So I ran away, because it'd be impossible for me to live in this house for even a second longer with Min Woo around, reminding me restlessly of things he had done to me.”
Siwon suddenly laughs, shaking his head over and over again. “No, no way. If it’s true I would’ve known, would I?” His eyes are wild as he throws those words to Hankyung.
“You weren’t there, Siwon-hyung.” Hankyung hisses, helpless at repressing the horrible memories suddenly flooding his mind, tearing open those old wounds and burns his heart. “You never were. Even until now I've never figured out what made you could barely look at me in the eyes ever since we’d grown up into teenagers.”
Siwon seems to be taken aback by that and his jaws tightened, but he says nothing.
“Look, me telling you all of this now, I wasn’t blaming anyone here for what had happened.” Hankyung smothers his hair back desperately. His emotions are starting to get out of control and if he lets it go on like this, things will surely get messy and stray much too far from his earlier intentions. “All I want now is for you to know the truth, to understand the reason why I did what I did three years ago. It wasn’t because of you. It never was. I love you too much to leave you without good reason. And now I hope after we clear things out, we can start all over again.”
Siwon shakes his head wildly, and Hankyung can feel his panic comes back at the sight of Siwon smothering his hair angrily.
“I’m not asking you to love me back.” Hankyung licks his suddenly dried lips, notices how his voice has started to sound begging. “I’m just asking you to forgive me and forget everything in the past. Let’s be brothers, friends, whatever it is you want to happen between us, but please no more hatred, Hyung.” Hankyung rubs his wet eyes because Siwon’s figure is starting to get really blurry now. “Not from you. I can’t live with it much longer.”
For a moment nothing heard from both of their mouth, until Siwon growls. “Shut up.”
“Siwon-hyung?” Hankyung whispers, feels scared by dark expression suddenly appeared in Siwon’s face.
Siwon moves fast and suddenly Hankyung feels a big hand grabbing his top shirt. The next things Hankyung knows is Siwon hoisting him backwards swiftly and he lets out a loud huff as he feels his back make an impact with the wall.
“You lying jerk. Stop saying bad things about my father.” Siwon glares at Hankyung, his eyes narrowing with burning anger and so much else.
Hankyung can see all the hurts in Siwon’s eyes, knowing that this is exactly what he feared the most if he tells Siwon. It’s surely making him suffer so much to know that Min Woo is not the same person he has in mind for years.
“Siwon-hyung...,” Hankyung says with trembling voice, can’t bear the wounded expression in Siwon’s face and the fact that Siwon’s whole body is trembling. “I’m sorry. Really I am. But I’m telling the truth and sooner or later you’ll have to deal with it.”
Siwon growls and shakes him up, and this time Hankyung cringes when his head bangs the wall pretty hard due to Siwon’s harsh movement.
“Shut up or I swear to God I’ll kill you with my own hands.” Siwon hisses and Hankyung really can’t stop his tears from falling this time.
He doesn’t know what else he can do or say to make this, to make them, right.
“Hyung…” Hankyung runs a hand over Siwon’s cold cheeks, trying to calm him down. But Siwon shakes his hands off with his other free hand and his eyes are so dark in color when he sneers.
“What makes you think I’ll believe you? Who knows if you’re lying or not? You could be seducing my father into doing what you said he was doing for all I know.” Siwon’s eyes are squinting angrily. “Everyone knows you’re always thirsty for attention, Hankyung. Your daddy left you when you were still just a kid, while your mom was lying weakly on bed in those times you needed her most. And I was off just so I could be away from you as far as possible.”
Hankyung gapes at Siwon’s accusing and hurting words.
But Siwon ignores it as he leans his face forward, huffing against Hankyung's paling face. “You were lonely, and my father was there, with his unconditional love for you and you took advantage of it, didn’t you?”
Hankyung shakes his head repeatedly, is afraid now because he can feel Siwon’s grips on his collar is just getting tighter and stronger.
“You tempted him, didn’t you Hankyung? You tempted him with your angelic looks and beautiful smile. You were so hollow inside and nobody wanted to fill it in for you so you used my father to satisfy your sick needs.” Siwon is shouting now. “You’re the one who turned him into this awful person like you said he was, didn’t you?!”
Hankyung shuts his eyes tight, hoping to bury down Siwon’s words deep into the back of his mind because they hurt much more than this big hand that is hoisting and half choking him with unimaginable strength.
Siwon’s breath is hot in his ear when he whispers, “You want me to stop hating you, little brother? Then keep dreaming.”
Siwon grips Hankyung tighter, and drags him along as he turns towards the bed and throws Hankyung onto it.
“I think you haven’t fully grasped it in your mind on just how much I loathe you. So, let me show it to you now.” Siwon says in a low tone as he slowly unfastens his tie and makes step after step, approaching the bed where Hankyung’s laying helplessly.
Seeing that, Hankyung realizes exactly what Siwon means with it and fear is clutching him so tight. All of a sudden he feels like he’s 16 again, helpless and crying with Min Woo's roaming hands on his skin.
Panic and scared, Hankyung scurries back on the bed, trying to escape Siwon’s seemingly unstoppable wrath.
But as Siwon’s hand reaches forward and grips one of his legs, Hankyung knows he's done for.
---00o00---
It hurts.
Hankyung remembers that it is indeed supposed to hurt, especially when it’s done this roughly and unprepared.
But it hurts a lot more this time.
The pain is flaring hotly through his body, and it’s so excruciating that Hankyung can only burrow his head deeper into the sheet, gritting his teeth. He is trying to escape the pain, pushes his body away in caterpillar-like movement, but Siwon’s strong grip in his waist stops him from moving.
Then something clicks on his head.
It’s not his body which is in pain. Not when he can feel it goes numb with every thrust.
It’s his inside that is on fire, and it feels like the hotness is spreading wildly, trying so hard to find a way out. But he can sense that all of him is closing up. Even his pores felt like they're scrunching in; trying with no success to refuse to let out even a bead of sweat.
This is bad.
Everything in Hankyung wants out.
Everything in him wants to escape this cruel reality. But his body seems so eager to shut him down, to make him oblivious to everything outside just so it can force him to fully acknowledge what he feels inside.
Hankyung is squeezing his eyes shut all the time, hopes by doing so; he can dodge the harsh fact that this is different.
God, this whole thing --the hands that are roughly caressing his back, the teeth brutally nipping his ear line, the whole non-consented sexual thing-- they are so familiar that Hankyung can almost feel tingles of anticipation along with disgust coursing through his body.
But this is different. This is not that damn Min Woo.
This is Siwon.
This is Siwon who is pinning his hand painfully behind his back to prevent him from escaping.
This is Siwon who is thrusting hard and raw inside Hankyung despite his scattered pleading for him to stop.
This is Siwon whose breathing is heavy on top of him, drowning in his own search of pleasure and ignores Hankyung’s pain.
This is Siwon who's whispering dirty and demeaning words to him; desperately tries to crush Hankyung’s already dented pride into pieces of dust.
This is his Siwon. His beloved Siwon. His everything.
This is Siwon who tenses suddenly, groaning and spilling his burning seed inside Hankyung, and it feels like all of his hate, his anger, his grudge, his everything but love is also spilled inside. So deep that Hankyung knows he’ll feel them for many times to come. And no matter how many times he cleans them out, they’ll stay stuck, for they are like a brand from Siwon for him.
A brand that will mark him as everything but Siwon’s.
A brand that’ll entitle him as something he always is. As whom he meant to be. As something he always refuses to acknowledge for he still holds his hope high.
It is a brand that marks Hankyung as nothing.
So when Siwon withdraws himself, Hankyung almost weeps for the irony that Siwon pulls out in a sickeningly gentle movement right after he fucked Hankyung in a very contradictive way.
It’s like he is afraid he’ll hurt Hankyung if he moves in a hurry. He lets Hankyung’s arms go in a soothing way. And silently, he rises up; lifting himself off of Hankyung’s naked back and off the bed.
His gentleness makes Hankyung’s heart flutter weakly in expectations.
Maybe he’s sorry?
And Hankyung, if anything, is always a sucker for hopes.
So Hankyung gathers his strength, tries hard to ignore the pain and the soreness all over his body. Bit back his whimper when he feels his lower body throbs mercilessly.
Please, Hyung, be sorry.
God, please make him sorry for everything.
Please heal me.
It’s not too late.
I still love you.
Hug me and tell me that I mean something for you.
Say that you love me….
As Hankyung’s scrambling to get up, he prays for God to spare him the sentiment and make his hopes come true.
But apparently, God didn’t take his offer for a truce.
Siwon is sitting on one of the chairs facing the bed. His suit is crumpled and disheveled and his pants are still unzipped, showing traces of dark hair inside. Hankyung can not help but think that Siwon truly looks like a sex god. A very cruel one at that.
He is slouched and slumped over the chair and looks like he is all relaxed, but it’s his eyes that give away everything.
From his eyes, Hankyung knows that once again, his hopes are abandoned.
Siwon is looking at Hankyung with such hatred and a chilly anger, even more intense than before. And somehow, his gaze makes Hankyung feel so dirty, so unworthy than ever.
“I don’t believe in everything you said and I don’t want to hear any of it coming out of your dirty mouth once again.” Siwon’s voice is cold and sharp and it slits Hankyung’s heart open. “This house is yours now. All of my father’s fucking inheritance is yours. And you can have every acre, every damn company, all of my father’s money and all the heartaches and problems that will burden you along with it. I’ll take care of it with Heechul-hyung and make sure all of it will be done legally. And then I wish, by God, I will never have to see your face anymore.”
Siwon’s cruel words make Hankyung’s heart shrink; make something inside him wilt and die.
It’s a litany of hatred and it makes Hankyung suddenly feel so difficult to breathe, or think. All of the soreness, the throbbing pain, the hurt, everything is coming back to him with a full force, and it’s adding up to a dawning realization that he will never be something to Siwon.
Sobbing, Hankyung moves to pick up his scattered clothes on the floor and flees the room.
---00o00---
Siwon thinks he should’ve felt satisfied now because he was just succeeded in realizing his plan to make Hankyung living hell.
But the fact is: all of these sharp regrets and self-hate and pointless anger and the doubts inside him still refuse to go away and Siwon is surprised when he feels a bead of tear rolling down his cheek.
Closing his eyes, Siwon can still remember Hankyung’s whimperings, how he looked so broken right before he collected his clothes and walked out with his head down.
Siwon wipes his face harshly with one of his now sweaty hands and curse this very day as he reaches for the half bottle of whisky on the table.
TBC
PS: My warning has vaguely said it all, so I'm sorry if you're surprised at this twist. :D
Comments, or killing threats are welcomed~!
Guys, I really need HELP. If you have time please read here and let me know if any of you are interested. Thank you.
FOUND A BETA ALREADY~! YAY~! Thank you and welcome to my twisted world of writing, renichifreak!!
*hugs you*
You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.