(no subject)
This is a pretty twisty/turny chapter. Lots of shit happens.
Title: Scene Change - The Worst Day Ever.
Rating: PG/PG-13
Summary: It is quite literally, Benji & Joel's worst day ever. I won't spoil it.
Dislcaimer: This didn't happen.
Note: For people reading this :)
Prologue: Benji, Prologue: Joel, No Lies, Just Love , Failed Attempts, Joel is Gay & Benji Gets A Job, That Fucker Kissed Me - Part 1 , That Fucker Kissed Me - Part 2 , (Stab Wound Healer - Part 1) , Stab Wound Healer - Part 2 , Trypanophobia, Reveal Your Secret, Party
SLAM.
I ram my apartment door closed and march furiously to my room.
Fuck him. Fuck Andre! I’m so angry right now, that I could just - just-
“Benjamin.” I jump and see Dad sitting on the couch looking upset just as I reach for my door knob.
I turn to look at him: “Uh, Hi.” I mumble. “Why are you here? At home I mean?’
“It’s Victoria Day. I get it off as well. Never mind that Benjamin, where were you last night? You didn’t come home or call or anything. I was worried!”
Oh shit.
“I - sorry Dad. I totally forgot. I went to Joel’s friend Erik’s house and I slept over.”
“Joel?”
OMG, I didn’t come out to him yet! Fuck. I was so completely caught up in the happiness of yesterday’s events that I didn’t even think about coming home to make my announcement.
“Joel is - Oh god. Dad, I have to tell you something important.”
He folds his arms, and furrows his brow expectantly, waiting. I go and sit down next to him, but not too close.
I try to make my tongue move, and for my lips to work, but no sound is produced.
“Benjamin? What is it?” I look at my father’s concerned face gazing at me, but I can’t meet his stare.
I hunch over, looking at the worn carpet; my hands leaning on my knees.
Time to take the plunge.
“Dad, Joel is a boy I - a boy I really like.” I leave my head facing the floor.
“Excuse me?”
“Dad, I - I like men. I’m gay.”
As soon as it leaves my mouth, I can sense that I’ve made a mistake.
He stands up and is virtually glaring at me, surprised and seems almost…disgusted.
“Dad…” He doesn’t answer back.
It feels like an eternity of silence and finally I snap.
“WHAT!? What’s so wrong about being gay! I don’t fucking get it! So I prefer men over women, why is that such horrible thing? It’s not like a committed murder or fucking….Christ!”
I rise up and run to my room, kicking the door behind me. I fall onto my bed face down, wrapped up in how unfair everything seems to be today.
It’s been a most shitty morning.
I just lie there barely even bothering to breathe. I can feel myself fall into a hazy sleep.
////
“Benjamin, wake up.”
Groan. I don’t want to. I don’t want to talk to him. I wanna remain like this for the rest of the day, maybe even the rest of my life.
“Benjamin you’ve been in here for almost 5 hours, we need to talk.”
“No, just leave me alone”
I hear him sigh.
“Benjamin, you live under my roof, and therefore my rules, now open this door.”
I get off of the bed and unlock the latch, and then flop back onto the bed. I hear the sounds of him coming in, and then sitting beside me.
“Benjamin, we need to discuss this problem.”
WHAT!? I sit straight up and face him.
“This problem, Dad?”
“Well yes. Clearly you are confused sexually. Now, I know you’re at the age where you can experiment, but son, we can find you a nice girl so you can start a healthy maybe long-lasting relationship. No more fooling around. What will it take? A trip to the club? I can set you up with someone’s daughter from work or something.”
My mouth flies open, utterly shocked.
“Dad, I’m - I’m gay! I like…boys. I have for the past 3 years! I can’t change that fact, and I’m finally starting to accept who I am. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but it’s - it was hard. Now I’ve found someone I really like, and I’m willing to come out to be with him; to stay with him no matter what.”
My Dad looks at me through hard eyes.
“Benjamin, it is not right to think this way. Being gay is, well it’s just plain wrong. It’s foul. I will not let you think such sinful thoughts and act in such a manner.”
Is he actually saying this?
“Dad!? What the hell! I’ve never seen you act like this! Why are you pulling out all this religious bullshit on me? You’ve never been religious! How is it a sin? Like - I’m not going to change my sexuality to appease you!”
“Benjamin.” His tone scares me. “It is not right. Not in God’s will - which yes I am religious, your mother wasn’t so I stopped for a while - and not in society. People will give you crap for the rest of your life Benjamin! It’s not accepted and I won’t let people push you around. I can’t have my son becoming a…a… queer!”
I can feel tears in my eyes. Angry mixing in with the sad and horrified. I fight them back though, I can’t let him see me break down.
“Dad, how can you be saying these words? It’s been scientifically proven that you are born homosexually or heterosexually. I am who I am, and I can’t change. You have to either accept me the way I am, or - or I guess I’ll have to find someplace else to be.”
I finish and he’s just staring at me. Thinking.
After a moment he makes his choice:
“Well I guess, I guess you should pack your things then.”
What.
“Son, I love you but, I can’t do this. I don’t like it. And I know that - I know that it will all work out better if you leave for a while. I don’t want to hurt you again, and this is too much for me right now. I am not in favour of homosexuality. It’s the way I was raised. I know that we will be more distant than we already are, because I struggle with the issue. Now, I know you can’t move back to LA, but, maybe we can find you a group home until I can work things out and -”
“Dad! NO! I don’t want to leave! I just got here! Please!” I feel the tears pouring down my face.
“Benjamin,” his voice falters, “Benj, please. Don’t cry. I just - I need some time. Can you give me some time to digest this?”
“NO! I can’t! I don’t understand why we have to live in a place where loving someone who is the same gender is frowned upon! Love is love! Why can’t you see that? Please don’t send me away! Please.”
“It’ll be for the best, Benj. Besides, you only have a bit more of a month of school left! And a job! I know there are some places you can go across town until…until you or I can fix this.”
I’m repulsed.
“Who are you? Where’s the Dad I met when I got here? The one who reformed? The one who finally took some responsibility? What happened to him! All I see is a scared man before me, afraid of change. Afraid of his own family.”
“Benjamin, don’t talk to me like that! Don’t you see this is difficult for me to swallow?’
“Difficult for YOU? I’ve gotten beat up for hiding that I’m gay. I had to go seek medical attention! And when I was honest, I lost a lot of people’s kindness. When I cam clean about who I was, I was trampled on. But I deal with it because I have to! And to top everything off, the one person I really care about is being guarded by a complete jackass who doesn’t trust me for no reason! You think you have it difficult? You haven’t had anything.”
“How dare you speak to me that way! What happened to me? What happened to my son? Why is he being so dramatic!”
“Dramatic? You’re throwing me out of my home! I thought you’d understand! That you’d changed!”
“Well I don’t understand! The strong willed boy I once knew has gotten who caught up in some, some disgusting boy who’s warped his mind.”
“Joel is not disgusting! He’s amazing! He’s nice and he acts like he cares! He talks to me! Unlike some people I could name…” I say getting more and more fuming.
“Oh, he talks to you does he? Because I never talk to you!” he says menacingly. “Well it’s all just an act! You know how gay men are, always humping from one boy to the next.”
“STOP IT! Stop talking about him like that! You don’t even know him!”
“You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all!”
“FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU!”
The next thing I feel is a sharp pain on my face.
My father just hit me.
All my memories from the past come seeping into my brain, and I can’t push them back out.
I back away slowly, my hand on my cheek. Grabbing my wallet, phone, my guitar and packing a few necessities quickly, I then stare at my Dad. I need to get the fuck out. Now.
I turn towards the door, and see my dad’s face is stunned and dismayed at what he just did.
“Benjamin, I - I’m- I”
I ignore him timidly trying to get out the door: scared to death.
I feel him reach out to grab me.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Benj? Please I- I”
“No! There’s nothing you can possibly say! I can’t - I’ve had enough.”
He lets his arm fall, and I give him one last defeated look before I walk away from him, maybe for the last time.
**********
“Dammit! You killed me again! Bastard!”
“Ha ha ha! I am the master!”
“That’s what you think guys!”
I look at our split-screens and then, E-man and Boozehound die from a grenade explosion. The Mighty Queer has prevailed!
“Awww! AGAIN, Joel? Why do you have to win every single time we play Halo 3? You don’t even own it!” Chet whines.
“It’s because I’m awesome. Obviously.” I smile. I know I’m being cocky but I do win every time.
I’m feeling so much happier than this morning. Chet & Erik cheered me up. Benji will tell me why he left the next time I see him, and Andre…well we just figured he’s having a bad week or he just isn’t ready for a new member in the group.
I’m going to talk to Benji and André together: see if we can sort it out.
I just hope André comes around, he’s just been sitting around all afternoon, being mopey.
“Dre, you sure you don’t wanna play? There’s enough controllers and everything. I’ll go easy on you?”
“Nah, it’s okay Joel. I’m just not in the mood.”
I stare at him in worry for a second, then shrug it off. I won’t bother him, I don’t wanna make him more upset.
*DING DONG*
“What the heck?” Erik says, lifting up off the floor. “I’m not expecting anybody…”
I get up as well and follow him to the door.
He slowly opens up his entrance, and we both look at each other surprised.
Benji is standing there with a heavy looking backpack and his guitar.
“Who is it?” André yells out to us.
“It’s Benji…” Erik trails off.
“What!?” I hear him getting up.
Benji can hear him too and he swallows hard.
“Hi.” he says in a small voice.
I look him over ad I don’t like what I see. He looks distressed and worried.
“What’s wrong Benji? Are you okay? Where were you this morning?”
He looks at me and struggles with his words.
“No, I’m not okay. I don’t really want to talk about it right now. And I’m sorry about this morning .I was-”
“What are you doing here?” Startled, I look behind me to see André, looking borderline outraged.
“I just - I - My dad hit me.” he whispers.
My eyes widen. I practically seize him, stepping outside to engulf him in a huge hug.
He drops his case and returns it. Then he starts silently sobbing on my shoulder.
“I - I didn’t know where else to go, and I - I’m sorry I came back.”
I step away from him. “You’re sorry?”
He looks at the cement, but I tilt his chin to meet my gaze.
“Why are you sorry? Don’t be. I’m just glad you’re okay! I missed you this morning, and I don’t understand why you left in the first place. Why did you?”
I know I should be more worried about his well-being but I’m so curious as to why he went.
He looks puzzedly from me and then to Andre. I swerve to face André, who looks apprehensive.
“I - André didn’t tell you - ” he stops.
“What? What did André not tell me?” I look back once again, and André’s face is horrified.
“He-” Benji falters.
“Tell me. Somebody. Now.”
“André told me - that I had to stay away from you until I earn his trust.”
My jaw drops. I’m outraged.
“What!? André!” I turn to confront him, and pull him inside into the living room.
“What’s the matter guys?” Chet asks, looking away from the Xbox
“Chet, can we have some privacy for a minute. Please?”
“Uhh, sure.” He gets up and walks to the front.
Alone now, I make André sit down and lay it on him.
“What has gotten into you! Why do you hate him so fucking much!? And why did you lie to me? You told me you didn’t know whwre he was! He got hit because you made him leave! WHAT THE FUCK.”
“Joel, brother, I’m sorry. I just don’t trust him! At all.”
I get wound up even more. “But, WHY THE FUCK NOT!? What has he done to make you feel this way?”
‘He - he hung out with that crowd and-”
“Yeah, he used to! But he never once actually laughed with them or agreed with them! He was just alone! That’s not a legit reason!” Sighing, I sit down.“I know we went a bit far, and I know you’re just looking out for me André, but, he came out for me, and I really like him, and-”
“But why do you like him so much? What qualities make him better than some other boy!?”
“Why do you care? Why can’t you just appreciate my choices and get to know him!? You’ve never acted like this before about anyone!” I fold my arms frustrated.
“Joel.” I turn, surprised at how little his voice seems.
“Yes…?”
He unfolds my arms then takes my hands, and I start to feel uncomfortable.
“The reason I dislike him, is because - is because I - I hate seeing you with somebody else.”
What. I freeze and try to pull my tangled hands away, but he grips them tight.
“Ever since you came out, my sexuality has been reevaluating in the back of my mind. I’ve been rethinking everything I’ve ever been through, and I know I wouldn’t be here without you. Joel, the reason I’ve been trying to turn you against Benji is because…I’m jealous. I never realized how much you mean to me, until you told me you found someone. At first I didn’t realize that it was jealoust and not a sense to protect you, but I can’t stand to see him kissing you. I know now that I want to take his place.”
Every word he’s saying rushes through my mind, and I don’t know how to take it. It won’t compute.
“I love you Joel. As more than just best friends.”
The next scene plays out in a horrible twisted sort of slow-motion.
Benji, Chet and Erik appear out of the corner of my eye.
Benji walks towards us saying:
“Joel, please don’t be angry at him. I know it was a dick move but obviously he didn’t know what would happen to me if I left and he’s just looking out for you and-”
However, he stops as he notices André holding hands with me.
His eyes stare at me, in uncertainty and hurt.
I open my mouth to explain, but lips crush against mine, stopping me.
André kisses me passionately and he won’t let me go, despite my struggling.
Finally, I manage to bat him away, but the look on Benji’s face tells me it’s too late.
I stand up totally exposed and unsure. The mix between the looks of total shock on Chet and Erik’s face to Benji’s broken appearance make me want to scream. I have no idea what to say.
“Benji…”
“It figures that he’s gay.” He starts in a hollow voice.
“I - I can explain!”
“You don’t have to. Thanks for letting me stay the night Erik and for the kind words Chet, but I don’t think you’ll be seeing much of me anymore. Bye.”
He turns to leave, and I run after him.
“Benji! WAIT. Please!”
“It’s okay Joel, no need to explain. It’s happened to me too many times before. I meet someone nice, they like me back and we get together for a few days. Then they realize how much of a fuck up I am, and get bored of my company. I just thought you were different; you opened my eyes and made me feel like myself. I guess I’m just not good enough for you.”
“No! That’s not true! Please don’t leave me.”
He spins around to look at me.
He shakes his head. “Joel, you deserve better than me. Besides, André really likes you if he’s willing to confront someone as violent as me.’
“What!? You’re not violent! You’re so sweet!”
“Ha ha ha, you don’t know me at all Joel. I was about to beat him up, just like I did to Silas after he stabbed me. I know, I know you think it was all defensive, but it wasn’t. I continued to hurt him after I brought him down.”
Why is he being like this?
“But Benji, I want you! I don’t give a fuck what you did! I don’t want André! I need you.”
“It’s not worth it. He’ll just keep pushing us apart more and more."
"Benji! I won't let him! I'm not I -I " I am so upset, my words won't flow.
"Joel, best friends go together better than a penniless, violent, stupid, stupid boy - and an angel like you.”
He marches down the pavement, acoustic in hand.
I fall to my knees, defeated. It was only a couple of days, but I thought it would last for a long time, if not forever. Our relationship is over.
This is the worst day ever.
**************
I should have let him explain. Or else, I should have fought for him.
But I’m so fragile right now, that all I could do was be a total jackass and go to my defense mechanism - blocking it out completely. Pretending everything is fine. Like i don't care.
Because really? He's all i have to care about.
All I wanted to do was to cry on his shoulder. For him to tell me everything will be alright even if it wouldn’t be.
But when I saw him with André, I knew. Everything clicked. It was over.
Why would he choose me? I have nothing to offer him. Andre, even if I don't like him, is a better candidate for Joel: he can take care of him.
Even though he told me he wanted me, he wouldn’t in the end. He’d keep second guessing his choice until he wouldn’t be able to take it, and he’d leave.
André has been good to him all his life; ‘friends since 5 years old’ he told me.
I’d just get in the way.
This is the worst day ever.
------------------