Another 2 Part Chapter :D
This will probably be the last time i make a 2 part chapter. I just couldn't separate these into two different sections (they compliment each other lol) , but LJ won't let me fit them all into one space :(
All well, enjoy :D
Title: Scene Change - Stab Wound Healer - Part 1
Rating: Overall i'd say maybe PG - 13
Summary: Benji has a tough decision to make.
Disclaimer: All in my head.
Notes: Dedicated to anyone who reads it. I hope you like it :D
Prologue: Benji, Prologue: Joel, No Lies, Just Love , Failed Attempts, Joel is Gay & Benji Gets A Job, That Fucker Kissed Me - Part 1 , That Fucker Kissed Me - Part 2
I can’t ever face him again. I can’t ever face anyone again.
Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me?
Oh god. Now that he knows about my sexuality he could tell anybody. Considering I walked out on him without any sort of explanation, I can’t even blame him if he does.
“AHHH!” I yell aggravated. I’m lying in my bed, pounding my fists. Taking my frustration out on the innocent mattress.
Why did I have to kiss him? …
The answer is obvious, but I don’t want to think about it. I try forcing it to the back of my mind, but it’s useless.
I want him.
I’ve never been so attracted to anybody like this in my entire life.
I want to touch him. I want him to touch me. I want his soft moist lips on mine. I want him to want his lips on mine. I want to do so many things to him that I’m not allowed to do. That I can’t do.
I have no idea if he even likes me at all. Or liked me as the case is now.
Just, God. He’s so - perfect.
His voice, his guitar, his musical tastes, his magical healing hands. His lips.
I groan. Oh, his perfect mouth.
And not only that, he’s nice. Genuinely a nice person. So unlike me in any way shape or form. I’m a dick.
He was clearly upset, maybe even livid. Who am I to just go in there & do something so intimate? When I saw him leaning in to return my affections, I got so scared and just ran the fuck away.
He doesn’t want me. He can’t want me now.
He deserves way better than me.
And even if he still did want a relationship, it’s impossible. I’d have to come out to everyone just like he did. I just - can’t. I’m not a strong-willed enough person to do that.
Silas? He’d kick my ass for sure. Even if Joel’s friends let me hang out with them, Silas would always find ways to come and let me have some, because all this time I’ve kept my mouth shut.
My Dad? My fucking Boss!? I don’t think they’d ever understand. Not in a million years. Even if I could hide it from my boss, which would be really difficult considering we’re working on fucking Joel’s house, My dad would probably kick me out. I know he’s changed, but he’s never been one to hide how he feels. I’ve heard use the terminology ‘faggot’, ‘queer’ and ‘fairy’ many times in very unpleasant ways. No way can I tell him.
So that would leave me homeless with no job. And no options.
Why am I even thinking about this? Joel would never go out with me. You can’t hurt someone like that and expect them to just forget about it, let alone forgive you.
*Beep Beep. Beep Beep*
My wrist watch just went off. 8:00 am.
Why did it - FUCK.
I have to work today. No. NO. I CANNOT GO THERE.
I can’t face him, I can’t. I - shit!
I didn’t even think about what I am going to do about visiting his house.
What the hell am I going to do!?!
I scramble off my bed and look for my cell in my jeans pocket. Fumbling, I manage punch in some numbers…
*Ring Ring*
“Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick - Hey! Gordon?”
“Yes. Benjamin?”
“Yes sir, it’s me. Listen,” I cross my fingers hoping my fast thinking works. “I am literally drowning in this English project that I have. It’s due tomorrow. Could I please take a sick day?”
There’s no immediate reply and I fear the worst. I can faintly hear muffles of sound.
“Hmmm, well we are only tearing up the tiles today, shouldn’t be too strenuous… Yeah, I guess I can let you off the hook for today.” I let out a sigh of relief.
“Thank you so much Gordon, I mean sir, you have no idea.”
“Hehe, well it sounds pretty important. And son?”
“Yeah?”
“Enough of this ‘sir’ bullshit. Call me Gordon, or boss if you really want to sound formal.”
“Okay, you got it.”
“Bye Now” I click off my phone.
I sink down onto my comforter again, and splay my legs over the edge, touching the carpet.
Coward. That’s what I should be called. Too scared to face the boy I’m really starting to like because I’m afraid that he’ll not only hate me, but that he’ll reject me. Too scared to come out of the closet because I’m convinced that the reactions of everyone I know will all end horribly.
Fucking Coward.
Oh no. Tomorrow I’ll have to face him. I can’t skip school.
I just pray to God that Joel isn’t a confrontational person.
**************************
He’s not here.
Where the fuck is he?
I couldn’t sleep last night. I woke up at 5 and sat by my window until the construction crew came; waiting. I rushed down the stairs expecting him to come in. The boss tells me he had to finish his English project, and since today’s work was easy he let him off.
How convenient…
I’m so confused.
I’m so - angry. Not a good feeling for me. I hardly ever am, and I loathe myself every minute that I feel this way.
It didn’t even occur to me until after he ran away that he was gay. He must be, right? He has to be.
My wildest fantasy came true, and then he just takes it all away.
I just - I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY! That’s it! I just want to know why he kissed me. WHY?
Does he actually have feelings for me?
Was it a spur of the moment?
Was he just trying to lead me on?
A combination of any of them?
Omigod.
Was he setting me up for some cruel joke!? Conspiring with fucking Silas!?!?!?
Now I’m scared. Will he tell everyone at school that I am so desperate that I kissed a straight guy? No. My life is over!
But no! NO. He’s not like that. He can’t be. Can he?
He genuinely liked my guitar.
Was he just humoring me by telling me how great of a singer I was so I’d fall into his mercy?
But - The intensity in his eyes when I told him that he was the best guitarist I’d ever known was like nothing I’ve ever seen before.
I’m so confuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssseeeed.
FUCK.
Tomorrow I’m marching up to that, that, Benji - and demanding an answer. I need to know once and for all or I’ll go insane.
///////////////////////
“Joel, are you okay?”
“Hm?” I stare up at my mom, whose looking at me in concern.
“Well, yesterday you just stayed upstairs the entire time. You aren’t eating the scrambled eggs I made you: your favourite. Is something bothering you darling?”
I feel guilty now: I’ve just swished around my breakfast for the past 10 minutes. These eggs are the absolute best on the planet; I just can’t bring myself to eat. I’m too nervous.
“No Mom, I’m fine. Yesterday, I just had a lot of homework to do and I’m just not feeling particularly hungry this morning.” I make a feeble attempt to smile at her, yet she doesn’t look convinced.
“You know that if you have a problem I’m here right?” God, I hate lying to her.
“I do yeah. But, I really will be okay,” I hope. “I have to go though.”
I get up & give her a quick peck on the cheek, then grab my bag and jet to my car. Have to get away before she breaks me down.
I turn on the ignition and get ready for what should be a terrifically horrible day.
As I arrive at school, I immediately jump out of my car to start my man hunt for Benji.
He’s nowhere to be found.
I’ve searched everywhere. In the caf, on O-street, in the music room, around the hallways. I even ventured to look by the bleachers where Silas normally hangs out. He was there, but no Benji.
I know I can just wait it out until class, but I need to get him alone. When school begins he can just tailgate with friends all day, and I can’t touch him if he follows his normal crowd around.
I hear the warning bell and sigh as I stagger, defeated, to Music. When I get inside Andre waves, then notices the sad look on my face. He gives me a questioning look. I haven’t told any of my friends obviously, and I probably never will.
Unless the outcome from my talk with Benji (if it ever fucking happens) is good.
The bell sounds once again, and he still hasn’t shown up.
He didn’t come to class? School even? Is he scared to face me?
The thought never occurred to me that maybe he was embarrassed. I do know his secret after all…Does he think I would tell everyone that he’s gay? Because I wouldn’t. I’m not like that at all. Geez, now I’m even more messed up in the head.
“Alright boys and girls! Today, we tackle the beast!” Everyone turns to look at Mr. Freeman. “Pachabel’s Canon by Johann Pachabel” We all groan.
As he starts to hand out the sheet music, and people start unpacking their instruments, the door flies open.
In walks Benji with his acoustic guitar, looking irresistibly, effortlessly hot. All he’s wearing are ripped black baggy shorts & an old Rancid shirt, and he still manages to look delicious. Why. Why can’t he be ugly for just one day.
“Benji, my man. Tsk tsk, you are laaate.”
“Yeah um,” he looks up and notices me staring at him, and he quickly averts his gaze.
“I missed the bus and had to wait for the next one to go by, I’m sorry.”
Mr. Freeman surveys his face for a second. “Oh, alright. But don’t let it happen again. Skip boring classes, not the fun ones. Here: Pachabel’s Canon.” He hands him the paper, and then Benji sits down in the second row.
All class I can’t concentrate. I keep trying to catch his eye, but he won’t look in my direction.
I notice he looks more disheveled than usual. His usually spiky hair is clumped on his forehead, and he looks really tired: kind of like me to be honest. Stress. It’s a fuckin’ detonator.
But is his stress from me knowing he’s gay, or, or something else…
The notion that I now actually have the chance to talk with him makes me more terrified than ever. I don’t really want to know his explanation: because what if it’s my worst fear?
But, for the sake of my sanity, I have to do this. I pack up early. I’m ready. I am just going to have to straight up ask him about it, and refuse to leave him be until I receive an answer.
I clutch my guitar and take a deep breath as the bell rings, signaling break. I walk up behind Benji as he’s bent over putting his acoustic in his case.
“I need to talk to you.”
He stops playing with his case and freezes. Slowly, he stands up straight. With his back still facing me, he speaks.
“I know. I know…Just. Please not here. After school. Meet me at The Beet Café at 8:30. It’s a vegan coffee shop on Dundas St.”
Then he just leaves.
Again.
***************************
Continue to Part 2 :) ---> Stab Wound Healer - Part 2
All well, enjoy :D
Title: Scene Change - Stab Wound Healer - Part 1
Rating: Overall i'd say maybe PG - 13
Summary: Benji has a tough decision to make.
Disclaimer: All in my head.
Notes: Dedicated to anyone who reads it. I hope you like it :D
Prologue: Benji, Prologue: Joel, No Lies, Just Love , Failed Attempts, Joel is Gay & Benji Gets A Job, That Fucker Kissed Me - Part 1 , That Fucker Kissed Me - Part 2
I can’t ever face him again. I can’t ever face anyone again.
Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me?
Oh god. Now that he knows about my sexuality he could tell anybody. Considering I walked out on him without any sort of explanation, I can’t even blame him if he does.
“AHHH!” I yell aggravated. I’m lying in my bed, pounding my fists. Taking my frustration out on the innocent mattress.
Why did I have to kiss him? …
The answer is obvious, but I don’t want to think about it. I try forcing it to the back of my mind, but it’s useless.
I want him.
I’ve never been so attracted to anybody like this in my entire life.
I want to touch him. I want him to touch me. I want his soft moist lips on mine. I want him to want his lips on mine. I want to do so many things to him that I’m not allowed to do. That I can’t do.
I have no idea if he even likes me at all. Or liked me as the case is now.
Just, God. He’s so - perfect.
His voice, his guitar, his musical tastes, his magical healing hands. His lips.
I groan. Oh, his perfect mouth.
And not only that, he’s nice. Genuinely a nice person. So unlike me in any way shape or form. I’m a dick.
He was clearly upset, maybe even livid. Who am I to just go in there & do something so intimate? When I saw him leaning in to return my affections, I got so scared and just ran the fuck away.
He doesn’t want me. He can’t want me now.
He deserves way better than me.
And even if he still did want a relationship, it’s impossible. I’d have to come out to everyone just like he did. I just - can’t. I’m not a strong-willed enough person to do that.
Silas? He’d kick my ass for sure. Even if Joel’s friends let me hang out with them, Silas would always find ways to come and let me have some, because all this time I’ve kept my mouth shut.
My Dad? My fucking Boss!? I don’t think they’d ever understand. Not in a million years. Even if I could hide it from my boss, which would be really difficult considering we’re working on fucking Joel’s house, My dad would probably kick me out. I know he’s changed, but he’s never been one to hide how he feels. I’ve heard use the terminology ‘faggot’, ‘queer’ and ‘fairy’ many times in very unpleasant ways. No way can I tell him.
So that would leave me homeless with no job. And no options.
Why am I even thinking about this? Joel would never go out with me. You can’t hurt someone like that and expect them to just forget about it, let alone forgive you.
*Beep Beep. Beep Beep*
My wrist watch just went off. 8:00 am.
Why did it - FUCK.
I have to work today. No. NO. I CANNOT GO THERE.
I can’t face him, I can’t. I - shit!
I didn’t even think about what I am going to do about visiting his house.
What the hell am I going to do!?!
I scramble off my bed and look for my cell in my jeans pocket. Fumbling, I manage punch in some numbers…
*Ring Ring*
“Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick - Hey! Gordon?”
“Yes. Benjamin?”
“Yes sir, it’s me. Listen,” I cross my fingers hoping my fast thinking works. “I am literally drowning in this English project that I have. It’s due tomorrow. Could I please take a sick day?”
There’s no immediate reply and I fear the worst. I can faintly hear muffles of sound.
“Hmmm, well we are only tearing up the tiles today, shouldn’t be too strenuous… Yeah, I guess I can let you off the hook for today.” I let out a sigh of relief.
“Thank you so much Gordon, I mean sir, you have no idea.”
“Hehe, well it sounds pretty important. And son?”
“Yeah?”
“Enough of this ‘sir’ bullshit. Call me Gordon, or boss if you really want to sound formal.”
“Okay, you got it.”
“Bye Now” I click off my phone.
I sink down onto my comforter again, and splay my legs over the edge, touching the carpet.
Coward. That’s what I should be called. Too scared to face the boy I’m really starting to like because I’m afraid that he’ll not only hate me, but that he’ll reject me. Too scared to come out of the closet because I’m convinced that the reactions of everyone I know will all end horribly.
Fucking Coward.
Oh no. Tomorrow I’ll have to face him. I can’t skip school.
I just pray to God that Joel isn’t a confrontational person.
**************************
He’s not here.
Where the fuck is he?
I couldn’t sleep last night. I woke up at 5 and sat by my window until the construction crew came; waiting. I rushed down the stairs expecting him to come in. The boss tells me he had to finish his English project, and since today’s work was easy he let him off.
How convenient…
I’m so confused.
I’m so - angry. Not a good feeling for me. I hardly ever am, and I loathe myself every minute that I feel this way.
It didn’t even occur to me until after he ran away that he was gay. He must be, right? He has to be.
My wildest fantasy came true, and then he just takes it all away.
I just - I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY! That’s it! I just want to know why he kissed me. WHY?
Does he actually have feelings for me?
Was it a spur of the moment?
Was he just trying to lead me on?
A combination of any of them?
Omigod.
Was he setting me up for some cruel joke!? Conspiring with fucking Silas!?!?!?
Now I’m scared. Will he tell everyone at school that I am so desperate that I kissed a straight guy? No. My life is over!
But no! NO. He’s not like that. He can’t be. Can he?
He genuinely liked my guitar.
Was he just humoring me by telling me how great of a singer I was so I’d fall into his mercy?
But - The intensity in his eyes when I told him that he was the best guitarist I’d ever known was like nothing I’ve ever seen before.
I’m so confuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssseeeed.
FUCK.
Tomorrow I’m marching up to that, that, Benji - and demanding an answer. I need to know once and for all or I’ll go insane.
///////////////////////
“Joel, are you okay?”
“Hm?” I stare up at my mom, whose looking at me in concern.
“Well, yesterday you just stayed upstairs the entire time. You aren’t eating the scrambled eggs I made you: your favourite. Is something bothering you darling?”
I feel guilty now: I’ve just swished around my breakfast for the past 10 minutes. These eggs are the absolute best on the planet; I just can’t bring myself to eat. I’m too nervous.
“No Mom, I’m fine. Yesterday, I just had a lot of homework to do and I’m just not feeling particularly hungry this morning.” I make a feeble attempt to smile at her, yet she doesn’t look convinced.
“You know that if you have a problem I’m here right?” God, I hate lying to her.
“I do yeah. But, I really will be okay,” I hope. “I have to go though.”
I get up & give her a quick peck on the cheek, then grab my bag and jet to my car. Have to get away before she breaks me down.
I turn on the ignition and get ready for what should be a terrifically horrible day.
As I arrive at school, I immediately jump out of my car to start my man hunt for Benji.
He’s nowhere to be found.
I’ve searched everywhere. In the caf, on O-street, in the music room, around the hallways. I even ventured to look by the bleachers where Silas normally hangs out. He was there, but no Benji.
I know I can just wait it out until class, but I need to get him alone. When school begins he can just tailgate with friends all day, and I can’t touch him if he follows his normal crowd around.
I hear the warning bell and sigh as I stagger, defeated, to Music. When I get inside Andre waves, then notices the sad look on my face. He gives me a questioning look. I haven’t told any of my friends obviously, and I probably never will.
Unless the outcome from my talk with Benji (if it ever fucking happens) is good.
The bell sounds once again, and he still hasn’t shown up.
He didn’t come to class? School even? Is he scared to face me?
The thought never occurred to me that maybe he was embarrassed. I do know his secret after all…Does he think I would tell everyone that he’s gay? Because I wouldn’t. I’m not like that at all. Geez, now I’m even more messed up in the head.
“Alright boys and girls! Today, we tackle the beast!” Everyone turns to look at Mr. Freeman. “Pachabel’s Canon by Johann Pachabel” We all groan.
As he starts to hand out the sheet music, and people start unpacking their instruments, the door flies open.
In walks Benji with his acoustic guitar, looking irresistibly, effortlessly hot. All he’s wearing are ripped black baggy shorts & an old Rancid shirt, and he still manages to look delicious. Why. Why can’t he be ugly for just one day.
“Benji, my man. Tsk tsk, you are laaate.”
“Yeah um,” he looks up and notices me staring at him, and he quickly averts his gaze.
“I missed the bus and had to wait for the next one to go by, I’m sorry.”
Mr. Freeman surveys his face for a second. “Oh, alright. But don’t let it happen again. Skip boring classes, not the fun ones. Here: Pachabel’s Canon.” He hands him the paper, and then Benji sits down in the second row.
All class I can’t concentrate. I keep trying to catch his eye, but he won’t look in my direction.
I notice he looks more disheveled than usual. His usually spiky hair is clumped on his forehead, and he looks really tired: kind of like me to be honest. Stress. It’s a fuckin’ detonator.
But is his stress from me knowing he’s gay, or, or something else…
The notion that I now actually have the chance to talk with him makes me more terrified than ever. I don’t really want to know his explanation: because what if it’s my worst fear?
But, for the sake of my sanity, I have to do this. I pack up early. I’m ready. I am just going to have to straight up ask him about it, and refuse to leave him be until I receive an answer.
I clutch my guitar and take a deep breath as the bell rings, signaling break. I walk up behind Benji as he’s bent over putting his acoustic in his case.
“I need to talk to you.”
He stops playing with his case and freezes. Slowly, he stands up straight. With his back still facing me, he speaks.
“I know. I know…Just. Please not here. After school. Meet me at The Beet Café at 8:30. It’s a vegan coffee shop on Dundas St.”
Then he just leaves.
Again.
***************************
Continue to Part 2 :) ---> Stab Wound Healer - Part 2