I'm lying on a couch with a portable keyboard staring at a screen in 30 point font about six feet in front of me. I came up with this brilliant idea after trying to write sitting at the desk and failing miserably to get into it. Not the desk, the writing. My parents have gone to a Shalom retreat, and I'm going through a whole lot of emotion around ( Read more... )

I don't know where to begin, but I realized today how much I'm repressing again, so a good writing would probably do me good -- especially since I'm resisting it. I'm back at the place of having a lot of trouble trusting that other people want to hear what I have to say, and also trusting that I'm creative enough to have anything to say at all. I ( Read more... )

It's been a while since I managed to come here to write; it's been such a long week, with a five day date with Christi which was wonderful and at times difficult and confusing, and then a Gender Outlaws retreat where I just broke down in so many ways but also felt a deep sense of community and learned a hell of a lot about, well, talking dirty, ( Read more... )

I'm back from India, had my psychiatrist appointment, and wow, I didn't even ask for it and he hands me a prescription for adderall and... today was the BEST day I've had in a LONG time as far as mental health and such. I just feel such clarity that I hope will last, the ability to enjoy things that I've long since lost my ability to enjoy, like ( Read more... )

I'm in India getting the procedure done that I've wanted/needed for four years or so, so finally I am choosing to give myself what I need to be happy or at least not miserable and self conscious anymore, though it's going to take a while to start seeing results and I'm really nervous, especially about how to handle the awkward stage.

I've also been ( Read more... )

I've been teary-eyed all day. It's the first day I haven't taken estrogen in the morning so I'm trying that now. I've been drinking a bit (something I never do) and using marijuana when I have access to it, which is the one thing that seems to really give me a bit of respite from the weight of life. Today I had my first session with Jon in what, ( Read more... )

So many aspects of depression, or whatever I'm going through. Feeling like I have nothing inside of me, at least nothing useful to anybody else, and so I'm horrified in social situations where I'm actually expected to say something. I can't reveal that there's nothing there. I feel like such an automaton lately. Less spontaneous than I've felt in ( Read more... )

The last few days, with an infection piled onto a growing depression, have been some of the worst in my life. I just broke down sobbing the other day because everything hurt too much, as much as anything in my life ever had. Time passing, taking a breath hurt too much. I didn't believe I'd feel even how I feel now ever again, but somehow (Ana and ( Read more... )

I'm weary tonight ( Read more... )

I don't feel rooted. I'm becoming aware that a lot of my anxiety and panic is around not feeling rooted. I feel like I've been uprooted one too many times and now it's hard to find safety in the soil. It's hard to trust that anything that takes root will survive. As soon as something does take root I question it. Maybe I'm feeling this so keenly ( Read more... )