(no subject)
The last few days, with an infection piled onto a growing depression, have been some of the worst in my life. I just broke down sobbing the other day because everything hurt too much, as much as anything in my life ever had. Time passing, taking a breath hurt too much. I didn't believe I'd feel even how I feel now ever again, but somehow (Ana and James mostly) I have a bit of perspective at the moment, and I have more faith in this moment that patience and a little support can go such a long way. I also made a list of everyone I know who can support me in some sense. It's a more significant list than I'd realized...
I think as soon as I start making connections in a place for whatever reason I have a tendency to run away. Or just leave for whatever reason. I can't think of specific examples but it feels true. I've been more successful making connections in Atlanta than anywhere else except DC... and yet I feel like I'm failing miserably. I have a lot of anxiety around where to go to find resonant people. When I rack my brain about it I can't think of anywhere which makes me feel I won't be making any more connections. Also I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like in Atlanta I'm wasting away time and don't have the connections to be frequently nourished. It's like my real life is festivals and camps and conferences and this is just the boring in between where nothing happens. I don't know how to integrate the two, especially since Euphoria tickets seem impossible to come by this year. I was counting on that to help. I really want stability and the feeling of home with the right people, but also, I need the newness and excitement and growth that comes from travel. Atlanta hasn't clicked yet as a place where I might find that home feeling, that feeling of tribe I had in DC, though a couple of kindred friends could make it so. I really like Anastasia and don't want to be disappointed... I don't want to be so nervous that I screw it up... but I think I feel them as the sort of person that could make this feel more like home. I don't want to say that and mess it up though.
I'm writing short entries from my phone lately. Helps me keep to the point.