Something I have frequently told people, especially Jen was that I never understood middle class depression. Prehaps that was the wrong way to phrase it. It is not that I don't understand that people get depressed. It is not that I don't understand that depression happens. What I don't get is why people don't have the willpower to fight it ( Read more... )

This weekend was good. Really good. Positive strides forward, in fact. There were some tough talks, but mustly it was just hanging out and having fun. It was ... nice. "Nice" is a good word.

Moving forward, I need to start getting settled in to this life here. I am kinda flailing around. Need to find a direction.

Why are you going? That has been asked of me many times this week. I was having trouble coming up with a solid answer, until today. The answer is, "Dammit, I am a fighter. I am strong. I will not give up. I am a fighter."  Take that however you want. I know what it means to me.

I hate my broken heart. I hate how much it aches and yearns. While I work to stay positive and hopeful, the future it sees is bleak and lonely. I show it that all is not lost, there are good things and happy times ahead, and all it shows me grey, barren landscapes.

One of the places I get caught is the “Why.” Why did this happen? It wasn’t supposed ( Read more... )

Right now, I am fronting. I am putting up the emotional front of strength and positive attitudes. I am doing this because I am not comfortable with letting the other emotions of pain and loss and uncertainty be at the forefront. Those cause too much damn stress and pain to those around me and myself and don't help at all. Not saying that they don't ( Read more... )

Something, something, don't be a dick.
I might be trying too hard, but if I don't keep at it, I end up slipping.
Also, flirting is fun. Flirting with boys or girls, doesn't matter. Still fun!

Instincts. We all have them. One of the instincts we all have is the "Fight or Flight" instinct.  When something scares us, we respond one of 2 ways. We run from it or we turn and face it. I know what I do. I fight. I don't like being scared. I don't like being hurt. I don't like being overpowered or intimidated. So, I don't run from what scares me ( Read more... )

Remodeling is hard. Be it remodeling your house or your life, it is hard work ( Read more... )

Reaching out is hard. Asking for help is difficult. Saying you are sorry, also hard. Unless you don't mean it. Then it is easy. But right now, every apology I make, every time I reach out, I mean it. I have to. Otherwise, it doesn't work. It is tricking me to let myself become complacent and  unhealthy. So, every apology I make, every time I reach ( Read more... )

 I am nervous, excited, reserved, and conflicted about the upcoming weekend.

Going down to where Jen is living is going to put her in an interesting position. This is her space and I may be invading it. I hope not. I hope she welcomes me as a guest, but who knows. Also, I have recently said and done things that have hurt our relationship and I don’ ( Read more... )