Remodel
Remodeling is hard. Be it remodeling your house or your life, it is hard work.
One of the things that I have found funny is when people say they are scared of me, or I have a hot head. I don't think of myself that way. At all. I was in one fight when I was in high school. One. I have never really been aggressive. I am the type of person who talks his way out of conflicts. I am not a brawler. the reason i get the "You are Scary" or "You have a hot head" is because I frequently don't take people's shit. I call them on it. It isn't physical violence that people are scared of, it is the aggression I display when not taking people's shit. The problem is, when I am distracted and unfocused, if that aggression comes up it can hurt or scare the people I love. This happens so rarely, I am never on guard for it.
Right now, I am working on remodeling the way I think and the way I act. I am remodeling my process of dealing with everything. Be it friends, lovers, acquaintances, family, I am remodeling my interactions. What is safer for me, what is respectful for them. Some people are going to tell me I am full of shit, that this is just a manipulative game I am playing to get the outcome I want. You know what, they are right. I am manipulating me to become more like the person i want to be.
I am really good at taking responsibility for my actions. If I fuck up, I will raise my hand and say, "Yep, that was me. I fucked up." I am not going to be changing that part of me. I refuse to be timid, that doesn't work. No, I am not going to change the part of me that is truthful, but I might change how I do it. What I am looking at changing is my aggression. refining it, making it less self serving. there is no need to always say, "I told you so." or "I was right."Maybe a helpful suggestions instead of the slap in the face...time will tell.
Anyway, that is enough of these late night ramblings for tonight.
One of the things that I have found funny is when people say they are scared of me, or I have a hot head. I don't think of myself that way. At all. I was in one fight when I was in high school. One. I have never really been aggressive. I am the type of person who talks his way out of conflicts. I am not a brawler. the reason i get the "You are Scary" or "You have a hot head" is because I frequently don't take people's shit. I call them on it. It isn't physical violence that people are scared of, it is the aggression I display when not taking people's shit. The problem is, when I am distracted and unfocused, if that aggression comes up it can hurt or scare the people I love. This happens so rarely, I am never on guard for it.
Right now, I am working on remodeling the way I think and the way I act. I am remodeling my process of dealing with everything. Be it friends, lovers, acquaintances, family, I am remodeling my interactions. What is safer for me, what is respectful for them. Some people are going to tell me I am full of shit, that this is just a manipulative game I am playing to get the outcome I want. You know what, they are right. I am manipulating me to become more like the person i want to be.
I am really good at taking responsibility for my actions. If I fuck up, I will raise my hand and say, "Yep, that was me. I fucked up." I am not going to be changing that part of me. I refuse to be timid, that doesn't work. No, I am not going to change the part of me that is truthful, but I might change how I do it. What I am looking at changing is my aggression. refining it, making it less self serving. there is no need to always say, "I told you so." or "I was right."Maybe a helpful suggestions instead of the slap in the face...time will tell.
Anyway, that is enough of these late night ramblings for tonight.