Reaching out
Reaching out is hard. Asking for help is difficult. Saying you are sorry, also hard. Unless you don't mean it. Then it is easy. But right now, every apology I make, every time I reach out, I mean it. I have to. Otherwise, it doesn't work. It is tricking me to let myself become complacent and unhealthy. So, every apology I make, every time I reach out, every "step forward" has to be sincere.
Each day has become less chaotic. I feel the emotional turmoil ebbing. It isn't going away. Far from it. But it is becoming less harsh, less raw. It makes it easier for me to maintain a positive push forward, running over the depression, self loathing, and self destructive anger that ruled me at the beginning of last week. Needless to say, or maybe I d need to say it, i am fucking exhausted. Every fucking second, I am working on this shit, not letting the negative overpower me.
So, yeah, i reached out to a couple people. One of them called me on it and said that they felt like it was "goal-oriented diplomacy". My response was pretty much, "YES! Of course it is." I have a goal in mind that doesn't involve me wearing an orange jumpsuit with numbers stenciled across the fucking chest and I want you to be aware that I am not going to fucking do something psycho. I found the phrasing a bit humorous. One thing I have tried time and again to teach my kid is that every action every human does is selfish. All of them. No matter what. I want to stay part of Jen's life and I don't want strife between me and the people she is around, so yeah, I fucking reached out to them. It is a means to an ends. If I do this, it means the thing I want to accomplish is easier. Does that make me less sincere? Fuck no! In fact, I am more sincere because I actually have something riding on the outcome. People become friends because they have similar interests or similar goals. Some of us are just more blatant than others about our goals and desires.
Anyway, enough rambling.
I think I am going to get some sleep. Gym comes early tomorrow.
Each day has become less chaotic. I feel the emotional turmoil ebbing. It isn't going away. Far from it. But it is becoming less harsh, less raw. It makes it easier for me to maintain a positive push forward, running over the depression, self loathing, and self destructive anger that ruled me at the beginning of last week. Needless to say, or maybe I d need to say it, i am fucking exhausted. Every fucking second, I am working on this shit, not letting the negative overpower me.
So, yeah, i reached out to a couple people. One of them called me on it and said that they felt like it was "goal-oriented diplomacy". My response was pretty much, "YES! Of course it is." I have a goal in mind that doesn't involve me wearing an orange jumpsuit with numbers stenciled across the fucking chest and I want you to be aware that I am not going to fucking do something psycho. I found the phrasing a bit humorous. One thing I have tried time and again to teach my kid is that every action every human does is selfish. All of them. No matter what. I want to stay part of Jen's life and I don't want strife between me and the people she is around, so yeah, I fucking reached out to them. It is a means to an ends. If I do this, it means the thing I want to accomplish is easier. Does that make me less sincere? Fuck no! In fact, I am more sincere because I actually have something riding on the outcome. People become friends because they have similar interests or similar goals. Some of us are just more blatant than others about our goals and desires.
Anyway, enough rambling.
I think I am going to get some sleep. Gym comes early tomorrow.