Fic: You Make Me Sick, part Six
Title: You Make Me Sick
Pairing: Clex
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Clark is finally out of the asylum, but his journey back to sanity isn’t over yet. An unlikely savior takes him in and gives him a chance to redeem himself.
Spoilers: Through S6 Labyrinth.
Warnings: Totally AU. Dark and possibly triggering for folks with depression. WIP
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Sometimes Lex felt as though he could sense when Clark was near. The young man would follow Lex around the apartment, until Clark realized what he was doing. It didn’t bother Lex exactly, and it was better than being alone. Nevertheless, Clark’s presence was a constant reminder of the many feelings Lex could never reveal. He continued to mix together his ingredients even as the back of his neck prickled and told him that Clark was in the kitchen doorway watching him, following his every move with concerned green eyes.
“What are you making?” Clark asked finally. Lex had been so quiet today that Clark was clearly a bit off balance. They usually chattered a little, even if Lex was busy.
“You’ll see.” Lex smiled to himself, but the emotion didn’t reach his lips unfortunately. Clark had teasingly referred to Lex’s expression as ‘stonefacing,’ a trait that would have served him well in poker. Clark came by to lean against the counter and watch him not so furtively. “Isn’t there anything on television to watch?”
“You’re more interesting.”
“I’m stirring. It’s not sexy, or special. It means that I don’t have a mixer.”
Clark laughed and continued to watch him with a slight smile. Lex turned away from him a bit coldly. He stirred faster, hearing Clark’s disappointed sigh and the footsteps departing from the kitchen. His face grew warm in embarrassment and frustration.
Lex filled his pans with the batter silently. The colors of the kitchen stood out garishly, the lines of every object becoming very apparent amidst his weariness. He set the pans in the oven and began to clean methodically, counting his pills, thinking about Clark’s dry lips and how they so often pressed against his scalp when he was sleeping.
“I uh…” Lex rolled into the living room where Clark was sitting cross-legged on the couch, studying.
“I’m sorry for bothering you.”
“No… It’s…”
Lex looked down and stared at his thighs in silence for a long time. The timer rang in the kitchen, and he sat up to turn around. Clark was staring at him again. Only this time with a creased brow, his lips slightly parted in perplexity.
“I have to…” He turned around and wheeled back into the kitchen. Clark followed him.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“Um…”
“Are you scared of me?”
“No, Clark.” He set his backing pans on the top of the stove. Clark stepped closer to him.
“What’s that?”
“Crazy cakes.”
Clark’s tense expression blossomed into a radiant grin. “I love you, Lex.”
Lex looked up at him with troubled eyes, but took Clark’s hand and squeezed it in his own. “Can you get me the icing I made? It’s in the fridge.”
“No problem.” Clark rubbed Lex’s shoulders and kissed the crown of his head before walking to the refrigerator. “I bet Lucas loves those little cakes.”
“I doubt your mother will let him have more than a little bit. You can taste-test them tonight, though.” Lex closed his eyes, feeling the spot were Clark’s lips had touched tentatively with his fingers. He felt marked. “Clark?”
Clark turned and looked into Lex’s eyes. He picked up the bowl of icing and brought it over to where Lex was, setting it down on the counter before crouching beside Lex’s chair. He took Lex’s hands in his own.
”Tell me?”
“Can’t.”
“Yeah?” Clark leaned over and wrapped his arms around Lex’s neck. “I’m here whenever you’re ready. Not going anywhere, okay?”
Lex nodded mutely.
***
“Clark tells me that you’ve been experiencing a lot of frustration with our sessions.” Dr. Yeh stood as Lex rolled in and escorted him to the couch. Lex rarely lifted himself onto it however. He liked to be able to move around.
“He tattled on me, huh?”
Yeh sat down. “Lex, these sessions are on your dime.”
“LuthorCorp’s dime, actually, and they’re a requirement for my continued employment. I can’t afford to keep a roof over my and Clark’s heads if I don’t come to these sessions,” Lex said candidly. He gauged the expression on her face. She didn’t appear offended.
“I could continue charging LuthorCorp without having the sessions. However.” She shifted herself in her chair. “I feel as though Clark and Mercy really aren’t equipped to handle your depression without a little professional help.”
Lex rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “I don’t want to burden them.”
“You need to stop thinking of yourself as a burden. You are the provider. You pay Mercy, and you are supporting Clark. We need to find a way to make these sessions more productive for you; otherwise I am merely adding to the oppressive factors in your life.”
Lex leaned back and frowned. “How do I do that? How do I make these sessions more productive?”
“Well, for starters, you have to be honest with me. I will not break your confidentiality, You know that.” She paused. “Although I must admit that it is becoming difficult, since I discuss Clark with you and you know that I have to discuss you with Clark.”
“You can talk to Clark about me. I don’t care.” His eyes turned into slits. “Is this why he was so worried about me?”
“He was worried before,” she informed him.
“Okay. Honesty. What do you want to know?”
“Are you feeling suicidal right now?” she asked bluntly.
“Actually, well… Not really. No. A little. But nothing compared to where I was last week. I feel a lot lighter.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Lex started to roll towards the window. “I suppose it’s because I got to see my little brother. And Clark…” His voice caught.
“Clark helped that to happen. I’m very proud of him, you know.”
“So am I,” Lex whispered. He wiped his eyes. He knew she would catch the movement.
“Has something happened with Clark? Is he alright?”
“He’s fine. He’s getting better, and that’s what’s important.”
She stood and walked over to him. An uncharacteristic move on her part. “Are you going to be honest with me, Lex? Or are we done?”
Lex slowly dragged his tongue along his lower lip. “That’s a tough decision. Let me get back to you on that.”
Dr. Yeh had always been a particularly unsentimental, impassive therapist. It was one of the reasons that Lex had stayed with her for so long. She called him on his shit and didn’t spend a lot of time encouraging him to feel like a victim. At the same time, she just as honestly pointed out his strengths. Her candor made it easier for him to believe the good things she said about him were true. When Lex looked up he caught her in an open expression. He had never seen her looking sympathetic before. The moment was gone as quickly as it had come upon her, and she walked away from him, sucking in her cheeks.
“I’m not interested in judging you, Lex. I’m interested in helping you.” She sat back down into her chair, took her mug of coffee, and sipped. Her face was once again frozen in stone. Lex wondered if one day they couldn’t have a staring contest. She asked again firmly, “Why has your mood improved lately?”
Lex wheeled back to turn so that he could face her. “I think I’m falling in love with him! Is that what you want to hear?”
“I think that’s what Clark wants to hear,” she replied calmly, unaffected by his admission.
Lex lowered his head in despair. “I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He’s so young and broken. How could I even think of it?”
“Schizophrenics are not asexual by default.”
“Clark was locked away because of his feelings for me. Not to mention I have a fucking time bomb of a virus in my blood. What part of that sounds like a good reason to start fucking my little brother?” Lex snapped. He laughed bitterly. “Or anyone?”
“How long have you felt this way?” she asked dispassionately. Then clarified, “About Clark?”
“This is why you’re frustrating, you know,” Lex pointed out irritably.
“I’m keeping you on topic. If you’d rather, we could address the multitude of problems with what you just said.” She continued writing on her pad. “You know that Clark was locked away because of schizophrenia, not you. You know that other people with HIV are able to start relationships. Which doesn’t even cover the issue of you calling Clark your little brother, despite knowing that Clark has very little familial relation to you, by blood or by name. He’s legally still Clark Kent. What I want to know is if you realized that you loved him when you took him in?”
“I don’t know. No. Not really. I… we did get along? We were friends when I visited him.” Lex wiped the sweat from his hands onto his pants and stretched anxiously. “I’ve cared about him a lot. Maybe I did love him. But not like this.”
“You need to stop attacking yourself for having these feelings. For wanting something for your own. The two of you are in an enclosed space and have a very strong mutual need for one another right now. It is understandable that you might-“
“It’s more than that. This isn’t that thing where I latch onto someone ‘cause I’m lonely. This isn’t Helen.” Lex shrugged. “I didn’t… want Helen to touch me so much… This is sick.”
“No, this is a human connection. I know it’s an alien feeling for you. However, it could be the result of some kind of transference. It could be many things, but we can deal with it. If you want to start facing it.” She sipped her coffee. “I’m concerned that you find the very thing that is making you feel better so problematic.”
“I don’t want to take advantage of him!” Lex cried out, angry with himself for admitting it, for even feeling it to begin with. “And I can’t help him get his life back, just to strip it away. I don’t want to make him sick.”
***
”I'm used to people judging me before they get to know me.”
“Lex!”
He wanted to disintegrate into his office sofa. The majority of his day had been sucked up by jetting to and from Star City to serve as a human face for the company that was systematically destroying all of the new acquisition’s employee benefits and taking away 70% of their autonomy. Meeting with the victims of his father’s avarice was a strain during the best of times, let alone when his pain meds had worn off halfway through the trip.
His father loomed over him, his brows furrowed and his hands in his pockets. “What are you doing?”
Lex strolled through the farmers’ market, taking a long look over the stalls that the locals had put so much work into creating. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to get down in the dirt and grow his own food. He thought it might be something he’d like to try one of these days, to see if he could. Lex often felt that almost any obstacle could be overcome by self-determination and logically thinking the matter through. He wondered if he could yield such a bountiful crop with his own hands, though. One could hardly logic potatoes out of the ground.
“Faggot!”
Lex whipped his head around to see a small group of high school kids laughing and falling all over themselves. One short black boy stepped in front of the others and mimicked swishing his hips. Lex flattened his lips and narrowed his eyes in a deadly glare. One or two of the kids stopped laughing and looked a little worried. He turned and continued his stroll, swishing as much as he ever had.
“Want an apple?”
Lex spared a glance at the booth to the side. There was a flash of pretty, white teeth. Sweet, green eyes. Glossy, black curls. He resisted the urge to look back at those dumb kids and focused in on the shiny fruit of temptation before him.
“How much?”
“Your soul,” the young man laughed.
“Are you the serpent? Because I highly doubt this is paradise,” he teased.
“Nah. I fell from Eden a long time ago. I come bearing the fruit of wisdom. I am here to bring light to the world.” The mischievous grin spread wider. The eyes raked over Lex’s body eagerly. Lex took the apple.
“What’re you doin’ with my son?” A gruff farmer came up to him, leaning his face in so closely that Lex could feel hot breath on his cheeks.
“I was just giving him a sample, Dad!”
The farmer backed off, looked between the two of them, then pulled his son back to the truck, lecturing him about ‘dangerous sorts.’
Lex opened his eyes slightly, seeing his father and one of the guards, Stanley, through narrow slits. The bright light was making his head pound. “I’m laying here.”
“Clearly.” Lionel drew his sleeves up a bit and crouched down, studying his son’s face critically. “Lex, you look as though you are in pain.”
“I am.” His lids fluttered again then rolled his head over to face his father. His voice strained to leave his mouth. “Am I missing a meeting?”
“No, son. The workday is over.” Lionel frowned deeply. “You certainly made your meeting to Star City. I was getting quite good feed back on that. Frankly, I had been a bit concerned that there was going to be a walkout before today.”
His hand brushed over Lex’s face briefly. Lex tensed his jaw and raised his arm to push Lionel away.
“Can you get up?” He grasped the back of Lex’s head firmly.
“Please, leave me alone.”
“You cannot spend the night here,” Lionel said firmly.
“I didn’t plan on it. I just need to rest…”
“Do you need to go to the hospital?” Lionel asked. Lex wobbled his head weakly. Lionel nodded to Stanley, and the tall man leaned over Lex and pulled him off the couch. Lex bit his lip hard, but cried out raggedly anyway.
“Stop…”
“Patience, Lex,” Lionel instructed. Stanley hefted Lex higher onto his shoulder, like a struggling infant and then dropped him down in his chair. Lex panted and sucked in his lips trying not to cry out again, but tears were in his eyes, and he was shaking like a leaf. Lionel waved Stanley off and took the back of Lex’s chair. “After all this time, you still need your father to take care of you.”
The throbbing in Lex’s head almost drowned out his father’s voice. He closed his eyes to the light, kept quiet, and let his father stroll with him like a good boy.
***
Lex continued to shake as he was eased into his bed by strong, gentle hands. He could hear Clark talking to his father out in the living room.
“What precisely do you think you’re doing with my son?” Lionel’s calculating tone suggested this was some kind of trick or test.
“I’m living with him. Why don’t you stop manhandling him and listen for once? He’s in pain; can’t you see that?” Clark’s tremulous voice rose angrily, as he changed the course of the conversation.
“I’m not entirely insensible to his plight. Nevertheless, I would hope I could trust him to manage his condition like an adult,” Lionel replied. His complaint was unsurprising, considering the incessant lecture Lex had endured on the way home. Lionel continued somewhat flippantly, “Consequently, how is this living arrangement going? I hear you’re studying for your GED.”
“Lex’s idea,” Clark answered shortly.
“He needs to be taking care of himself. Not you.”
Clark was silent. Lex hoped he would come back in the room soon. Preferably with more pills.
“You should have figured it out by now by now that Lex isn’t really motivated to take care of himself. He’ll take care of me, or maybe Lucas. He’ll make sure he’s alive to do that,” Clark instructed in a deep, authoritative voice. “He needs someone around, who isn’t paid, to make sure that he’s meeting his own needs, too.”
“You think you know my son so well?”
“If you want a dead son, by all means, separate us,” Clark said abrasively. “Ma’s not going to let you push Lucas the way you pushed Lex. A baby of her very own? She’ll leave you first. Heh. She’ll kill you first.”
“Your paranoia is running a little high, isn’t it, son?” Lionel answered, after a moment.
“No, when my paranoia is running high, I think you’re conspiring with time-traveling Martians to make me take over the world for you. Something like that. This is the normal type of paranoia. You know, the kind that comes from your stepfather signing you off for a lobotomy.”
“I’ve always tried to do the best for my boys,” Lionel informed him in the calm, self-pleased voice that often accompanied his shark’s smile.
“Your best is- Lex?” Clark ran into the room and placed his hand over the back of Lex’s head. “You were crying.”
“Not crying,” Lex muttered. Clark looked over him attentively.
“Whimpering. Manly whimpering,” Clark clarified. “Mercy brought a new bottle pills home today. You need paid meds?”
“Un-hn.”
Clark left him for a moment and returned with the pills. “Something’s wrong. They should be working better than this. Oh, how about a heating pad?”
Clark turned his head and looked at Lionel severely.
“This’ll be fine, thank you,” Lex said stiffly, trying to force his shaking hands to still long enough to get his pills.
“The meds aren’t enough,” Clark insisted. “Don’t take that many.”
Clark took the pills from him, shook two into his hand and helped Lex prop his head up so that he could swallow them. He sighed harshly.
“Hold on. I’m getting that pad.”
Lex watched the room hazily, and Clark brush past his father as he rushed to get the heating pad. Lionel seemed amused. “Handy boy, isn’t he?”
Clark returned with the heating pad and lifted Lex just enough to slide the pad under his back. When Lex gasped, Clark winced and said, “Sorry. Is flat on your back okay? Or would your side be better?”
“At this point, it doesn’t matter,” Lex managed grumpily. He reached his hand up and took Clark’s. “Thank you.”
“We need to talk to Mercy about this, okay? You can’t go on like this.”
Lex nodded wearily. He felt the heating pad warm against his back.
“I bet you could get one of those massage pads for chairs. It would help with long hours in the office.”
“Maybe.”
Clark kissed his brow gently and turned to Lionel. “You’re useless, y’know.”
“Clark, stop it,” Lex whispered. “He got me home.”
Lionel laughed callously. “Aren’t the two of you cute? Your big little brother adores you, Lex!”
Lex breathed in and out tensely, refusing to respond. A verbal altercation with his father could easily turn into something that would hurt Clark. Lionel would twist the conversation that way, if he could.
“We have a meeting tomorrow at 9 am. Don’t be late,” Lionel instructed. He left them quickly.
Clark looked up, walked into the other room, and then turned back to Lex. “He’s gone. We should break out the smudge sticks to clear up the evil aura.”
“Oh, Clark, don’t make me laugh.” Lex winced and reached for Clark. He came to his side obediently, kneeling on the ground and resting his chin on Lex’s hand. “That was kind of horrible. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, like this is your fault… hush.” Clark looked over his shoulder with annoyance.
“What?”
Clark looked back at him, guiltily. “Nothing. I swear.”
“Clark?” Lex tried to sit up but felt the catch in his back. He resigned himself to the pillows. “I really hate my body. I mean, you have no idea how much I hate my mangled little body.”
Clark rubbed his shoulder, gently at first then his fingers probed a little deeper, inching towards a massage. “That hurt?”
“A bit. Don’t stop?”
Clark glared over his shoulder again, and Lex closed his eyes, wondering what Clark heard in that fractured brain of his. Someone talking to him, maybe? Clark climbed up into the bed and moved Lex again, just slightly on his side so that he could begin working his shoulders.
”A-ah!”
“Don’t let me hurt you,” Clark said cautiously. “Tell me when to stop.”
“No, I… that’s good… rub there?”
“Okay.” Clark smoothed his hands over Lex’s back and began trying to work the rigid muscles.
Lex tensed his jaw, but took a deep breath. Clark’s ministrations were helping. For the moment, anyway. “Where did you learn this?”
“Mercy showed me,” he said simply.
Lex breathed deeply, taking in the reality that Clark was offering this help because he had somehow coerced Mercy to show him how to do it. He fell even harder, and let Clark’s warm hands relieve his pain and put him to sleep. He didn’t even mind knowing that Clark would probably lie chastely beside him all night.
***
Meeting his father’s eyes the next day was almost impossible. Lex wasn’t sure what caused him more shame, that he had been physically weak in front of his father, which he could hardly help, or that his father had seen Clark touch him. Granted, Lionel didn’t appear to make much of it, other than to laugh at their ‘brotherly’ love, but regardless, it made Lex very nervous. He fell more in love with that boy every day, and having Lionel see any part of that was like revealing an open wound to a predator.
Lex headed to the elevator at lunchtime wondering how Clark had managed to become such a strong person. With Martha as one of his caregivers growing up, and his subsequent mental breakdown, Lex would have assumed that there wouldn’t be much personality left, particularly after almost six years one of the worst mental institutions in the country. Clark hadn’t had contact with that many people who would have taught him anything worthwhile, let alone the inner strength he sometimes displayed.
“Lex! Hey there, lil guy!”
Lex rolled out of the elevator and spotted a man waving at him from across the lobby. He waved back and waited for a few people to clear out of his way before heading in that direction. Whatever had given Clark his strength, he made it easier for Lex to get through his days. If it hadn’t been for that massage, Lex doubted he would have been able to sit up at work today, and it certainly gave him something to look forward to at the end of the day.
“Lex, I uh… thought that was you.” The tall man with thick glasses grinned at him and weaved through the other people in the crowded lobby. Lex didn’t recognize the man at first, until he mussed his already mussed hair with one hand, while grinning that dopey, lopsided, lip-biting grin.
“Hello, Simon. How have you been?”
“Nice, actually. Our little magazine got accepted in the ah… peer reviewed circles and uh… wow. Your articles were just what we needed, man. We haven’t been getting many submissions.” He pushed his glasses back up on his nose and continued in his friendly, nasal voice, “As the editor, though, I uh, wanted to talk about a few edits with you. I have uh… you know a couple of things for you to read and some suggestions.”
“I’m sorry? What magazine?” Lex leaned his head to the side and began to wheel over to the wall out of the way.
“Oh, um, The Metropolis Journal of Science it ah… ahem, we started the journal last year out of Met U, and ah, well, we have only published two issues…” Simon tripped and almost ended up in Lex’s lap. Little fellow was as smooth as ever.
“And what were you saying about my articles?” he asked flatly. “I haven’t published anything in years.”
“I er…” Simon rubbed the back of his neck. “The ones you sent us, yeah? I have comments on them, though. They’re excellent, as I expected, but we need to go over a few things.”
“I didn’t send you any articles.”
“Oh. Um.” Simon looked around. “But they came from your email account.”
Lex licked his lips, unsure if he should be angry or amused. “Clark must have sent them.”
“Clark?”
“He’s my um…”
“Oh!” Simon grinned, assuming the best. “That’s so cute! But ah, they really were good articles. Would you mind to have them published anyway? With a few critiques?”
Lex shook his head. “I don’t see why not. I mostly wrote them because I was bored. Business isn’t that stimulating for me. Besides, critique is part of the process. I’m sure I’ve missed a few articles recently. I haven’t been keeping up.”
Simon nodded awkwardly. “I heard you uh… had some trouble. Glad to see you back on yo- er, uh… feeling better?”
Lex snorted. “How’s the wife?”
“Eh heh. Left me.” He wiped a hand over his forehead. “For one of her students.”
”I see.”
“Some people have no sense of decency.”
Lex shrugged. “Clark is six years younger than me.”
“Yeah? Well… uh at least he’s legal, unlike Tina’s Brad. They all have those brisk, monosyllabic names, don’t they? You give him an ‘A’ for backdooring you?” Simon asked wryly.
Lex laughed. “Not yet!”
”Heading to lunch?”
Lex nodded. Simon motioned with his hand. “Let me buy. I uh, want to hear more about your conquests.”
“I don’t have conquests, Simon. I have drama topped with mental illness.”
“And sprinkles on top?”
“Shut the hell up.”
***
“So I hear you had some good news today.” Clark hung out of the doorway to the kitchen, beaming like a naughty five year old. Lex rolled into his apartment.
“It came at a very opportune time.”
Clark strolled out of the kitchen, cockily swinging his hips. “See, every time you’re down, you get pushed back up. It’s karma. Destiny.”
“It’s you, Clark. Not karma or destiny. If life has proven anything to me, it’s that the world is grossly unfair.” He stopped beside Clark and gazed up at him pensively. “We can’t really rely on things to work themselves out.”
“I dunno. This thing we’ve got going here kind of worked out.” Clark raised his brows oddly and looked across the room. Lex reached up and pulled Clark’s chin down so he was facing him.
“That’s worked so far because we’re making it work.” Lex’s eyes drifted to where Clark had been looking. “Someone trying to interrupt?”
“Chloe is really nosy lately. Don’t worry, though. I can ignore her. It’s easier because I know she’s dead.” He shrugged. “Dead people usually don’t have an opinion on the conversation.”
Lex nodded and crooked his mouth in a broken smile.
“You still hurting today?”
“Yeah. I’m just… I’m developing a tolerance to my meds.” He narrowed his eyes, thinking. “I believe you said something yesterday evening about talking to Mercy, and I will.”
”I asked her.” Clark sat on the arm of the couch. “And she said that your dosage is probably too low. Otherwise, you wouldn’t need to double up the way you do.”
“Maybe.”
“She said, too, she might schedule you an exam to see if there’s anything the doctors can do. Till we figure it out, I don’t mind to give you backrubs.” Clark waggled his brows lecherously. It took almost all of Lex’s willpower not to laugh.
“Yeah, I bet you don’t.”
“I’d rather do it before you’re hurting like you were last night, though.” Clark stood again and put his hands on Lex’s shoulders.
“N-not now.” Lex wheeled forward a little. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me, but… I…”
“Don’t want me groping you?” Clark smiled sadly.
“You know, if something… if something really happened.” Lex looked at him seriously. “Between us. The way you want? What would happen if it didn’t work out? How would I be able to take care of you?”
Clark looked down and crossed his arms. “Hypothetically? I guess we’d have to make it work.”
“It isn’t that simple,” Lex whispered unhappily.
“I know, I know. I’m not being practical, right? Love isn’t practical.” Clark grimaced. “Is that okay to say? It’s not like you don’t know.”
“If we’re being honest, I guess so.”
“I don’t, like, rub on you because I think you’re going to fall into bed with me. I do it ‘cause you’re hurting, and I love you so I want to make you happy. That’s all.”
Lex sighed.
“But, okay, so if something happened, and we couldn’t make it work. We really tried, but, no go.” Clark walked around Lex’s chair. “I’d still love you, and you took me in even after I’d hurt you a lot. So I don’t think things would change. Is that irrational? I can’t tell. Are we talking the worst break up ever?”
Lex bowed his head and smiled. “No, no. I just…”
“What?”
“You’re dependant on me right now. It wouldn’t be right if anything happened between us. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does.” Clark rolled his shoulders.
Lex pressed his lips together with a little scowl. “Now you’re thinking of ways to get a job and become independent, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
Lex licked his lips and started to crack up.
”Man, I am nothing if not persistent,” Clark crowed.
“I know.” Lex took a breath. “What if… something happened, and I gave you HIV?”
“Then I’d have HIV? It’s not a death sentence, and that would only happen by accident.”
“I don’t want to make you sick,” Lex insisted vehemently.
“You won’t.” Clark walked over and gave him a kiss on the head. “Tell me if your want that backrub later. Mercy says it should help.”
“It did last night. I don’t know… what I would have done if you hadn’t helped me.”
“Your father is useless.”
“He’s trying to make me strong-“
“He’s trying to push you over the edge again,” Clark snapped. “I don’t know why you attribute any good to that man.”
“Crazy things ya do for love, Clark.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I wish you loved a little less strongly.” Clark looked away and crossed his arms. “You still want me around after I’ve hurt you… and you still want his love and approval after all of the horrible things he’s done to you?”
“He didn’t exactly strap me to a table and have my brain electrocuted.”
“No, he didn’t. He denied you love and undercut your ego until you had nothing left, and he beat you, Lex!”
Lex turned and rolled toward his room. “You don’t understand.”
“Don’t you ever take that shit from me!” Clark warned. “If something ever happened between us? Don’t ever let me treat you the way he’s treated you. That’s what scares me. That I’ll hurt you, and you’ll just let me. Or when you go out that door, you’ll find some asshole just like your father, and you’ll never come back. He’ll hurt you, and he’ll kill you! I don’t know how you ever made it out of your childhood.”
Lex licked his lips and shook his head, a bit taken aback. “Lucky.”
“You’d be luckier if you had a dad who wasn’t an asshole.”
“Yeah.” Lex stopped at his door. He could feel Clark moving closer to him.
“Even before all this stuff happened, my dad kinda knew that I’m gay. He knew before I did what it meant, the way I looked at you.”
”Didn’t want you spending time with one of those faggots?”
“No, he didn’t care about that. He just had a problem with Luthors… and he thought you were too old and too fast. ‘Cause you’re from the city.” Clark laughed softly. “He made sure I knew it’d be okay if I were gay. He uh… one time pointed out this upper classman who he thought might be a good boyfriend for me. He didn’t say it, but… he was like, this guy would be a good friend for you. He gave me money to ask him to a movie.”
“That sounds really great.” Lex’s voice caught. Clark’s warm hands touched his shoulders again.
“I miss him.”
Lex lowered his head and let Clark massage his neck gently.
“Want me to stop?”
“…No.”
“Pa always told me if you love someone, it can’t be selfish. You gotta love them for who they are, and you gotta put what they need first.”
“Sounds like good advice.”
“And your dad is a selfish ass. He didn’t say that. I’m just following the logical trail, there.”
Lex started to chuckle. Clark leaned over and kissed him on the back of the neck. Lex shivered.
“Not now, Clark.” He curled his fingers around one of Clark’s strong hands and twisted his aching back to see the man he loved. “I have to take care of you.”
Clark smiled and, pressing his forehead against Lex’s, looked into his eyes with sympathy and understanding.
“I don’t know how you ever became the person you are, Lex. You’re the strongest person I know, and you’ve had no one to teach you how to be strong. You amaze me.”
Lex parted his lips in surprise and looked into those wise, young eyes that valued him, his mind, his heart, his failing body, in a way he simply could never understand. All Lex ever saw was a man coming apart at the seams, a failure, unloved and unlovable. From the shine in Clark’s eyes, Lex could almost see someone… else. Someone strong. Someone worth the time it took to listen and to care.
Pairing: Clex
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Clark is finally out of the asylum, but his journey back to sanity isn’t over yet. An unlikely savior takes him in and gives him a chance to redeem himself.
Spoilers: Through S6 Labyrinth.
Warnings: Totally AU. Dark and possibly triggering for folks with depression. WIP
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Sometimes Lex felt as though he could sense when Clark was near. The young man would follow Lex around the apartment, until Clark realized what he was doing. It didn’t bother Lex exactly, and it was better than being alone. Nevertheless, Clark’s presence was a constant reminder of the many feelings Lex could never reveal. He continued to mix together his ingredients even as the back of his neck prickled and told him that Clark was in the kitchen doorway watching him, following his every move with concerned green eyes.
“What are you making?” Clark asked finally. Lex had been so quiet today that Clark was clearly a bit off balance. They usually chattered a little, even if Lex was busy.
“You’ll see.” Lex smiled to himself, but the emotion didn’t reach his lips unfortunately. Clark had teasingly referred to Lex’s expression as ‘stonefacing,’ a trait that would have served him well in poker. Clark came by to lean against the counter and watch him not so furtively. “Isn’t there anything on television to watch?”
“You’re more interesting.”
“I’m stirring. It’s not sexy, or special. It means that I don’t have a mixer.”
Clark laughed and continued to watch him with a slight smile. Lex turned away from him a bit coldly. He stirred faster, hearing Clark’s disappointed sigh and the footsteps departing from the kitchen. His face grew warm in embarrassment and frustration.
Lex filled his pans with the batter silently. The colors of the kitchen stood out garishly, the lines of every object becoming very apparent amidst his weariness. He set the pans in the oven and began to clean methodically, counting his pills, thinking about Clark’s dry lips and how they so often pressed against his scalp when he was sleeping.
“I uh…” Lex rolled into the living room where Clark was sitting cross-legged on the couch, studying.
“I’m sorry for bothering you.”
“No… It’s…”
Lex looked down and stared at his thighs in silence for a long time. The timer rang in the kitchen, and he sat up to turn around. Clark was staring at him again. Only this time with a creased brow, his lips slightly parted in perplexity.
“I have to…” He turned around and wheeled back into the kitchen. Clark followed him.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“Um…”
“Are you scared of me?”
“No, Clark.” He set his backing pans on the top of the stove. Clark stepped closer to him.
“What’s that?”
“Crazy cakes.”
Clark’s tense expression blossomed into a radiant grin. “I love you, Lex.”
Lex looked up at him with troubled eyes, but took Clark’s hand and squeezed it in his own. “Can you get me the icing I made? It’s in the fridge.”
“No problem.” Clark rubbed Lex’s shoulders and kissed the crown of his head before walking to the refrigerator. “I bet Lucas loves those little cakes.”
“I doubt your mother will let him have more than a little bit. You can taste-test them tonight, though.” Lex closed his eyes, feeling the spot were Clark’s lips had touched tentatively with his fingers. He felt marked. “Clark?”
Clark turned and looked into Lex’s eyes. He picked up the bowl of icing and brought it over to where Lex was, setting it down on the counter before crouching beside Lex’s chair. He took Lex’s hands in his own.
”Tell me?”
“Can’t.”
“Yeah?” Clark leaned over and wrapped his arms around Lex’s neck. “I’m here whenever you’re ready. Not going anywhere, okay?”
Lex nodded mutely.
***
“Clark tells me that you’ve been experiencing a lot of frustration with our sessions.” Dr. Yeh stood as Lex rolled in and escorted him to the couch. Lex rarely lifted himself onto it however. He liked to be able to move around.
“He tattled on me, huh?”
Yeh sat down. “Lex, these sessions are on your dime.”
“LuthorCorp’s dime, actually, and they’re a requirement for my continued employment. I can’t afford to keep a roof over my and Clark’s heads if I don’t come to these sessions,” Lex said candidly. He gauged the expression on her face. She didn’t appear offended.
“I could continue charging LuthorCorp without having the sessions. However.” She shifted herself in her chair. “I feel as though Clark and Mercy really aren’t equipped to handle your depression without a little professional help.”
Lex rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “I don’t want to burden them.”
“You need to stop thinking of yourself as a burden. You are the provider. You pay Mercy, and you are supporting Clark. We need to find a way to make these sessions more productive for you; otherwise I am merely adding to the oppressive factors in your life.”
Lex leaned back and frowned. “How do I do that? How do I make these sessions more productive?”
“Well, for starters, you have to be honest with me. I will not break your confidentiality, You know that.” She paused. “Although I must admit that it is becoming difficult, since I discuss Clark with you and you know that I have to discuss you with Clark.”
“You can talk to Clark about me. I don’t care.” His eyes turned into slits. “Is this why he was so worried about me?”
“He was worried before,” she informed him.
“Okay. Honesty. What do you want to know?”
“Are you feeling suicidal right now?” she asked bluntly.
“Actually, well… Not really. No. A little. But nothing compared to where I was last week. I feel a lot lighter.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Lex started to roll towards the window. “I suppose it’s because I got to see my little brother. And Clark…” His voice caught.
“Clark helped that to happen. I’m very proud of him, you know.”
“So am I,” Lex whispered. He wiped his eyes. He knew she would catch the movement.
“Has something happened with Clark? Is he alright?”
“He’s fine. He’s getting better, and that’s what’s important.”
She stood and walked over to him. An uncharacteristic move on her part. “Are you going to be honest with me, Lex? Or are we done?”
Lex slowly dragged his tongue along his lower lip. “That’s a tough decision. Let me get back to you on that.”
Dr. Yeh had always been a particularly unsentimental, impassive therapist. It was one of the reasons that Lex had stayed with her for so long. She called him on his shit and didn’t spend a lot of time encouraging him to feel like a victim. At the same time, she just as honestly pointed out his strengths. Her candor made it easier for him to believe the good things she said about him were true. When Lex looked up he caught her in an open expression. He had never seen her looking sympathetic before. The moment was gone as quickly as it had come upon her, and she walked away from him, sucking in her cheeks.
“I’m not interested in judging you, Lex. I’m interested in helping you.” She sat back down into her chair, took her mug of coffee, and sipped. Her face was once again frozen in stone. Lex wondered if one day they couldn’t have a staring contest. She asked again firmly, “Why has your mood improved lately?”
Lex wheeled back to turn so that he could face her. “I think I’m falling in love with him! Is that what you want to hear?”
“I think that’s what Clark wants to hear,” she replied calmly, unaffected by his admission.
Lex lowered his head in despair. “I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He’s so young and broken. How could I even think of it?”
“Schizophrenics are not asexual by default.”
“Clark was locked away because of his feelings for me. Not to mention I have a fucking time bomb of a virus in my blood. What part of that sounds like a good reason to start fucking my little brother?” Lex snapped. He laughed bitterly. “Or anyone?”
“How long have you felt this way?” she asked dispassionately. Then clarified, “About Clark?”
“This is why you’re frustrating, you know,” Lex pointed out irritably.
“I’m keeping you on topic. If you’d rather, we could address the multitude of problems with what you just said.” She continued writing on her pad. “You know that Clark was locked away because of schizophrenia, not you. You know that other people with HIV are able to start relationships. Which doesn’t even cover the issue of you calling Clark your little brother, despite knowing that Clark has very little familial relation to you, by blood or by name. He’s legally still Clark Kent. What I want to know is if you realized that you loved him when you took him in?”
“I don’t know. No. Not really. I… we did get along? We were friends when I visited him.” Lex wiped the sweat from his hands onto his pants and stretched anxiously. “I’ve cared about him a lot. Maybe I did love him. But not like this.”
“You need to stop attacking yourself for having these feelings. For wanting something for your own. The two of you are in an enclosed space and have a very strong mutual need for one another right now. It is understandable that you might-“
“It’s more than that. This isn’t that thing where I latch onto someone ‘cause I’m lonely. This isn’t Helen.” Lex shrugged. “I didn’t… want Helen to touch me so much… This is sick.”
“No, this is a human connection. I know it’s an alien feeling for you. However, it could be the result of some kind of transference. It could be many things, but we can deal with it. If you want to start facing it.” She sipped her coffee. “I’m concerned that you find the very thing that is making you feel better so problematic.”
“I don’t want to take advantage of him!” Lex cried out, angry with himself for admitting it, for even feeling it to begin with. “And I can’t help him get his life back, just to strip it away. I don’t want to make him sick.”
***
”I'm used to people judging me before they get to know me.”
“Lex!”
He wanted to disintegrate into his office sofa. The majority of his day had been sucked up by jetting to and from Star City to serve as a human face for the company that was systematically destroying all of the new acquisition’s employee benefits and taking away 70% of their autonomy. Meeting with the victims of his father’s avarice was a strain during the best of times, let alone when his pain meds had worn off halfway through the trip.
His father loomed over him, his brows furrowed and his hands in his pockets. “What are you doing?”
Lex strolled through the farmers’ market, taking a long look over the stalls that the locals had put so much work into creating. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to get down in the dirt and grow his own food. He thought it might be something he’d like to try one of these days, to see if he could. Lex often felt that almost any obstacle could be overcome by self-determination and logically thinking the matter through. He wondered if he could yield such a bountiful crop with his own hands, though. One could hardly logic potatoes out of the ground.
“Faggot!”
Lex whipped his head around to see a small group of high school kids laughing and falling all over themselves. One short black boy stepped in front of the others and mimicked swishing his hips. Lex flattened his lips and narrowed his eyes in a deadly glare. One or two of the kids stopped laughing and looked a little worried. He turned and continued his stroll, swishing as much as he ever had.
“Want an apple?”
Lex spared a glance at the booth to the side. There was a flash of pretty, white teeth. Sweet, green eyes. Glossy, black curls. He resisted the urge to look back at those dumb kids and focused in on the shiny fruit of temptation before him.
“How much?”
“Your soul,” the young man laughed.
“Are you the serpent? Because I highly doubt this is paradise,” he teased.
“Nah. I fell from Eden a long time ago. I come bearing the fruit of wisdom. I am here to bring light to the world.” The mischievous grin spread wider. The eyes raked over Lex’s body eagerly. Lex took the apple.
“What’re you doin’ with my son?” A gruff farmer came up to him, leaning his face in so closely that Lex could feel hot breath on his cheeks.
“I was just giving him a sample, Dad!”
The farmer backed off, looked between the two of them, then pulled his son back to the truck, lecturing him about ‘dangerous sorts.’
Lex opened his eyes slightly, seeing his father and one of the guards, Stanley, through narrow slits. The bright light was making his head pound. “I’m laying here.”
“Clearly.” Lionel drew his sleeves up a bit and crouched down, studying his son’s face critically. “Lex, you look as though you are in pain.”
“I am.” His lids fluttered again then rolled his head over to face his father. His voice strained to leave his mouth. “Am I missing a meeting?”
“No, son. The workday is over.” Lionel frowned deeply. “You certainly made your meeting to Star City. I was getting quite good feed back on that. Frankly, I had been a bit concerned that there was going to be a walkout before today.”
His hand brushed over Lex’s face briefly. Lex tensed his jaw and raised his arm to push Lionel away.
“Can you get up?” He grasped the back of Lex’s head firmly.
“Please, leave me alone.”
“You cannot spend the night here,” Lionel said firmly.
“I didn’t plan on it. I just need to rest…”
“Do you need to go to the hospital?” Lionel asked. Lex wobbled his head weakly. Lionel nodded to Stanley, and the tall man leaned over Lex and pulled him off the couch. Lex bit his lip hard, but cried out raggedly anyway.
“Stop…”
“Patience, Lex,” Lionel instructed. Stanley hefted Lex higher onto his shoulder, like a struggling infant and then dropped him down in his chair. Lex panted and sucked in his lips trying not to cry out again, but tears were in his eyes, and he was shaking like a leaf. Lionel waved Stanley off and took the back of Lex’s chair. “After all this time, you still need your father to take care of you.”
The throbbing in Lex’s head almost drowned out his father’s voice. He closed his eyes to the light, kept quiet, and let his father stroll with him like a good boy.
***
Lex continued to shake as he was eased into his bed by strong, gentle hands. He could hear Clark talking to his father out in the living room.
“What precisely do you think you’re doing with my son?” Lionel’s calculating tone suggested this was some kind of trick or test.
“I’m living with him. Why don’t you stop manhandling him and listen for once? He’s in pain; can’t you see that?” Clark’s tremulous voice rose angrily, as he changed the course of the conversation.
“I’m not entirely insensible to his plight. Nevertheless, I would hope I could trust him to manage his condition like an adult,” Lionel replied. His complaint was unsurprising, considering the incessant lecture Lex had endured on the way home. Lionel continued somewhat flippantly, “Consequently, how is this living arrangement going? I hear you’re studying for your GED.”
“Lex’s idea,” Clark answered shortly.
“He needs to be taking care of himself. Not you.”
Clark was silent. Lex hoped he would come back in the room soon. Preferably with more pills.
“You should have figured it out by now by now that Lex isn’t really motivated to take care of himself. He’ll take care of me, or maybe Lucas. He’ll make sure he’s alive to do that,” Clark instructed in a deep, authoritative voice. “He needs someone around, who isn’t paid, to make sure that he’s meeting his own needs, too.”
“You think you know my son so well?”
“If you want a dead son, by all means, separate us,” Clark said abrasively. “Ma’s not going to let you push Lucas the way you pushed Lex. A baby of her very own? She’ll leave you first. Heh. She’ll kill you first.”
“Your paranoia is running a little high, isn’t it, son?” Lionel answered, after a moment.
“No, when my paranoia is running high, I think you’re conspiring with time-traveling Martians to make me take over the world for you. Something like that. This is the normal type of paranoia. You know, the kind that comes from your stepfather signing you off for a lobotomy.”
“I’ve always tried to do the best for my boys,” Lionel informed him in the calm, self-pleased voice that often accompanied his shark’s smile.
“Your best is- Lex?” Clark ran into the room and placed his hand over the back of Lex’s head. “You were crying.”
“Not crying,” Lex muttered. Clark looked over him attentively.
“Whimpering. Manly whimpering,” Clark clarified. “Mercy brought a new bottle pills home today. You need paid meds?”
“Un-hn.”
Clark left him for a moment and returned with the pills. “Something’s wrong. They should be working better than this. Oh, how about a heating pad?”
Clark turned his head and looked at Lionel severely.
“This’ll be fine, thank you,” Lex said stiffly, trying to force his shaking hands to still long enough to get his pills.
“The meds aren’t enough,” Clark insisted. “Don’t take that many.”
Clark took the pills from him, shook two into his hand and helped Lex prop his head up so that he could swallow them. He sighed harshly.
“Hold on. I’m getting that pad.”
Lex watched the room hazily, and Clark brush past his father as he rushed to get the heating pad. Lionel seemed amused. “Handy boy, isn’t he?”
Clark returned with the heating pad and lifted Lex just enough to slide the pad under his back. When Lex gasped, Clark winced and said, “Sorry. Is flat on your back okay? Or would your side be better?”
“At this point, it doesn’t matter,” Lex managed grumpily. He reached his hand up and took Clark’s. “Thank you.”
“We need to talk to Mercy about this, okay? You can’t go on like this.”
Lex nodded wearily. He felt the heating pad warm against his back.
“I bet you could get one of those massage pads for chairs. It would help with long hours in the office.”
“Maybe.”
Clark kissed his brow gently and turned to Lionel. “You’re useless, y’know.”
“Clark, stop it,” Lex whispered. “He got me home.”
Lionel laughed callously. “Aren’t the two of you cute? Your big little brother adores you, Lex!”
Lex breathed in and out tensely, refusing to respond. A verbal altercation with his father could easily turn into something that would hurt Clark. Lionel would twist the conversation that way, if he could.
“We have a meeting tomorrow at 9 am. Don’t be late,” Lionel instructed. He left them quickly.
Clark looked up, walked into the other room, and then turned back to Lex. “He’s gone. We should break out the smudge sticks to clear up the evil aura.”
“Oh, Clark, don’t make me laugh.” Lex winced and reached for Clark. He came to his side obediently, kneeling on the ground and resting his chin on Lex’s hand. “That was kind of horrible. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, like this is your fault… hush.” Clark looked over his shoulder with annoyance.
“What?”
Clark looked back at him, guiltily. “Nothing. I swear.”
“Clark?” Lex tried to sit up but felt the catch in his back. He resigned himself to the pillows. “I really hate my body. I mean, you have no idea how much I hate my mangled little body.”
Clark rubbed his shoulder, gently at first then his fingers probed a little deeper, inching towards a massage. “That hurt?”
“A bit. Don’t stop?”
Clark glared over his shoulder again, and Lex closed his eyes, wondering what Clark heard in that fractured brain of his. Someone talking to him, maybe? Clark climbed up into the bed and moved Lex again, just slightly on his side so that he could begin working his shoulders.
”A-ah!”
“Don’t let me hurt you,” Clark said cautiously. “Tell me when to stop.”
“No, I… that’s good… rub there?”
“Okay.” Clark smoothed his hands over Lex’s back and began trying to work the rigid muscles.
Lex tensed his jaw, but took a deep breath. Clark’s ministrations were helping. For the moment, anyway. “Where did you learn this?”
“Mercy showed me,” he said simply.
Lex breathed deeply, taking in the reality that Clark was offering this help because he had somehow coerced Mercy to show him how to do it. He fell even harder, and let Clark’s warm hands relieve his pain and put him to sleep. He didn’t even mind knowing that Clark would probably lie chastely beside him all night.
***
Meeting his father’s eyes the next day was almost impossible. Lex wasn’t sure what caused him more shame, that he had been physically weak in front of his father, which he could hardly help, or that his father had seen Clark touch him. Granted, Lionel didn’t appear to make much of it, other than to laugh at their ‘brotherly’ love, but regardless, it made Lex very nervous. He fell more in love with that boy every day, and having Lionel see any part of that was like revealing an open wound to a predator.
Lex headed to the elevator at lunchtime wondering how Clark had managed to become such a strong person. With Martha as one of his caregivers growing up, and his subsequent mental breakdown, Lex would have assumed that there wouldn’t be much personality left, particularly after almost six years one of the worst mental institutions in the country. Clark hadn’t had contact with that many people who would have taught him anything worthwhile, let alone the inner strength he sometimes displayed.
“Lex! Hey there, lil guy!”
Lex rolled out of the elevator and spotted a man waving at him from across the lobby. He waved back and waited for a few people to clear out of his way before heading in that direction. Whatever had given Clark his strength, he made it easier for Lex to get through his days. If it hadn’t been for that massage, Lex doubted he would have been able to sit up at work today, and it certainly gave him something to look forward to at the end of the day.
“Lex, I uh… thought that was you.” The tall man with thick glasses grinned at him and weaved through the other people in the crowded lobby. Lex didn’t recognize the man at first, until he mussed his already mussed hair with one hand, while grinning that dopey, lopsided, lip-biting grin.
“Hello, Simon. How have you been?”
“Nice, actually. Our little magazine got accepted in the ah… peer reviewed circles and uh… wow. Your articles were just what we needed, man. We haven’t been getting many submissions.” He pushed his glasses back up on his nose and continued in his friendly, nasal voice, “As the editor, though, I uh, wanted to talk about a few edits with you. I have uh… you know a couple of things for you to read and some suggestions.”
“I’m sorry? What magazine?” Lex leaned his head to the side and began to wheel over to the wall out of the way.
“Oh, um, The Metropolis Journal of Science it ah… ahem, we started the journal last year out of Met U, and ah, well, we have only published two issues…” Simon tripped and almost ended up in Lex’s lap. Little fellow was as smooth as ever.
“And what were you saying about my articles?” he asked flatly. “I haven’t published anything in years.”
“I er…” Simon rubbed the back of his neck. “The ones you sent us, yeah? I have comments on them, though. They’re excellent, as I expected, but we need to go over a few things.”
“I didn’t send you any articles.”
“Oh. Um.” Simon looked around. “But they came from your email account.”
Lex licked his lips, unsure if he should be angry or amused. “Clark must have sent them.”
“Clark?”
“He’s my um…”
“Oh!” Simon grinned, assuming the best. “That’s so cute! But ah, they really were good articles. Would you mind to have them published anyway? With a few critiques?”
Lex shook his head. “I don’t see why not. I mostly wrote them because I was bored. Business isn’t that stimulating for me. Besides, critique is part of the process. I’m sure I’ve missed a few articles recently. I haven’t been keeping up.”
Simon nodded awkwardly. “I heard you uh… had some trouble. Glad to see you back on yo- er, uh… feeling better?”
Lex snorted. “How’s the wife?”
“Eh heh. Left me.” He wiped a hand over his forehead. “For one of her students.”
”I see.”
“Some people have no sense of decency.”
Lex shrugged. “Clark is six years younger than me.”
“Yeah? Well… uh at least he’s legal, unlike Tina’s Brad. They all have those brisk, monosyllabic names, don’t they? You give him an ‘A’ for backdooring you?” Simon asked wryly.
Lex laughed. “Not yet!”
”Heading to lunch?”
Lex nodded. Simon motioned with his hand. “Let me buy. I uh, want to hear more about your conquests.”
“I don’t have conquests, Simon. I have drama topped with mental illness.”
“And sprinkles on top?”
“Shut the hell up.”
***
“So I hear you had some good news today.” Clark hung out of the doorway to the kitchen, beaming like a naughty five year old. Lex rolled into his apartment.
“It came at a very opportune time.”
Clark strolled out of the kitchen, cockily swinging his hips. “See, every time you’re down, you get pushed back up. It’s karma. Destiny.”
“It’s you, Clark. Not karma or destiny. If life has proven anything to me, it’s that the world is grossly unfair.” He stopped beside Clark and gazed up at him pensively. “We can’t really rely on things to work themselves out.”
“I dunno. This thing we’ve got going here kind of worked out.” Clark raised his brows oddly and looked across the room. Lex reached up and pulled Clark’s chin down so he was facing him.
“That’s worked so far because we’re making it work.” Lex’s eyes drifted to where Clark had been looking. “Someone trying to interrupt?”
“Chloe is really nosy lately. Don’t worry, though. I can ignore her. It’s easier because I know she’s dead.” He shrugged. “Dead people usually don’t have an opinion on the conversation.”
Lex nodded and crooked his mouth in a broken smile.
“You still hurting today?”
“Yeah. I’m just… I’m developing a tolerance to my meds.” He narrowed his eyes, thinking. “I believe you said something yesterday evening about talking to Mercy, and I will.”
”I asked her.” Clark sat on the arm of the couch. “And she said that your dosage is probably too low. Otherwise, you wouldn’t need to double up the way you do.”
“Maybe.”
“She said, too, she might schedule you an exam to see if there’s anything the doctors can do. Till we figure it out, I don’t mind to give you backrubs.” Clark waggled his brows lecherously. It took almost all of Lex’s willpower not to laugh.
“Yeah, I bet you don’t.”
“I’d rather do it before you’re hurting like you were last night, though.” Clark stood again and put his hands on Lex’s shoulders.
“N-not now.” Lex wheeled forward a little. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me, but… I…”
“Don’t want me groping you?” Clark smiled sadly.
“You know, if something… if something really happened.” Lex looked at him seriously. “Between us. The way you want? What would happen if it didn’t work out? How would I be able to take care of you?”
Clark looked down and crossed his arms. “Hypothetically? I guess we’d have to make it work.”
“It isn’t that simple,” Lex whispered unhappily.
“I know, I know. I’m not being practical, right? Love isn’t practical.” Clark grimaced. “Is that okay to say? It’s not like you don’t know.”
“If we’re being honest, I guess so.”
“I don’t, like, rub on you because I think you’re going to fall into bed with me. I do it ‘cause you’re hurting, and I love you so I want to make you happy. That’s all.”
Lex sighed.
“But, okay, so if something happened, and we couldn’t make it work. We really tried, but, no go.” Clark walked around Lex’s chair. “I’d still love you, and you took me in even after I’d hurt you a lot. So I don’t think things would change. Is that irrational? I can’t tell. Are we talking the worst break up ever?”
Lex bowed his head and smiled. “No, no. I just…”
“What?”
“You’re dependant on me right now. It wouldn’t be right if anything happened between us. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does.” Clark rolled his shoulders.
Lex pressed his lips together with a little scowl. “Now you’re thinking of ways to get a job and become independent, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
Lex licked his lips and started to crack up.
”Man, I am nothing if not persistent,” Clark crowed.
“I know.” Lex took a breath. “What if… something happened, and I gave you HIV?”
“Then I’d have HIV? It’s not a death sentence, and that would only happen by accident.”
“I don’t want to make you sick,” Lex insisted vehemently.
“You won’t.” Clark walked over and gave him a kiss on the head. “Tell me if your want that backrub later. Mercy says it should help.”
“It did last night. I don’t know… what I would have done if you hadn’t helped me.”
“Your father is useless.”
“He’s trying to make me strong-“
“He’s trying to push you over the edge again,” Clark snapped. “I don’t know why you attribute any good to that man.”
“Crazy things ya do for love, Clark.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I wish you loved a little less strongly.” Clark looked away and crossed his arms. “You still want me around after I’ve hurt you… and you still want his love and approval after all of the horrible things he’s done to you?”
“He didn’t exactly strap me to a table and have my brain electrocuted.”
“No, he didn’t. He denied you love and undercut your ego until you had nothing left, and he beat you, Lex!”
Lex turned and rolled toward his room. “You don’t understand.”
“Don’t you ever take that shit from me!” Clark warned. “If something ever happened between us? Don’t ever let me treat you the way he’s treated you. That’s what scares me. That I’ll hurt you, and you’ll just let me. Or when you go out that door, you’ll find some asshole just like your father, and you’ll never come back. He’ll hurt you, and he’ll kill you! I don’t know how you ever made it out of your childhood.”
Lex licked his lips and shook his head, a bit taken aback. “Lucky.”
“You’d be luckier if you had a dad who wasn’t an asshole.”
“Yeah.” Lex stopped at his door. He could feel Clark moving closer to him.
“Even before all this stuff happened, my dad kinda knew that I’m gay. He knew before I did what it meant, the way I looked at you.”
”Didn’t want you spending time with one of those faggots?”
“No, he didn’t care about that. He just had a problem with Luthors… and he thought you were too old and too fast. ‘Cause you’re from the city.” Clark laughed softly. “He made sure I knew it’d be okay if I were gay. He uh… one time pointed out this upper classman who he thought might be a good boyfriend for me. He didn’t say it, but… he was like, this guy would be a good friend for you. He gave me money to ask him to a movie.”
“That sounds really great.” Lex’s voice caught. Clark’s warm hands touched his shoulders again.
“I miss him.”
Lex lowered his head and let Clark massage his neck gently.
“Want me to stop?”
“…No.”
“Pa always told me if you love someone, it can’t be selfish. You gotta love them for who they are, and you gotta put what they need first.”
“Sounds like good advice.”
“And your dad is a selfish ass. He didn’t say that. I’m just following the logical trail, there.”
Lex started to chuckle. Clark leaned over and kissed him on the back of the neck. Lex shivered.
“Not now, Clark.” He curled his fingers around one of Clark’s strong hands and twisted his aching back to see the man he loved. “I have to take care of you.”
Clark smiled and, pressing his forehead against Lex’s, looked into his eyes with sympathy and understanding.
“I don’t know how you ever became the person you are, Lex. You’re the strongest person I know, and you’ve had no one to teach you how to be strong. You amaze me.”
Lex parted his lips in surprise and looked into those wise, young eyes that valued him, his mind, his heart, his failing body, in a way he simply could never understand. All Lex ever saw was a man coming apart at the seams, a failure, unloved and unlovable. From the shine in Clark’s eyes, Lex could almost see someone… else. Someone strong. Someone worth the time it took to listen and to care.