Fic: You Make Me Sick, Part Four
Title: You Make Me Sick
Pairing: Clex
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Clark is finally out of the asylum and living with Lex as he recovers. Lex, however, has problems of his own to contend with.
Spoilers: Through S6 Labyrinth.
Warnings: Totally AU. Dark and possibly triggering for folks with depression. WIP
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Lex ran anxious fingertips over his lips then smiled widely, although he couldn’t verbalize what was causing the foreign happy feeling swelling inside him. The prickling pins that had been dancing on his skin for days were gone. His heart beat intensely, and he suddenly felt very awake.
He could have sworn that Clark was about to kiss him.
“Wuh- uh... What do you… want to do today? Well, for the rest of the day.” Lex studied his waffle. He was certain that he was blushing indecorously.
Clark didn’t seem to notice and shrugged. “We watched our movies. I’ve read all of your comics already. We’ll have to make our own fun.” Then Clark crouched down and poked his shoulder. He met Lex’s eye with intensity and concern. “Eat.”
“Sorry.” Lex avoided his gaze.
“Don’t apologize. Eat!” Clark moved as though he were going to cut it up for him.
“No, I’m fine, I just… uh… feel a little…”
Alarm registered on Clark’s face. “Do you need a doctor?”
“No.” Lex rolled his eyes. “The meds make my stomach feel funny sometimes, and I just took it, so…”
“Oh. Well, we can reheat them when you stop feeling wonky.” Clark stood, grabbed a couple more for himself, and took the rest of the stack over to wrap it up. Lex crooked a half-smile, watching him set the dishes in the dishwasher before grabbing his plate and glass of milk and heading into the living room. Lex followed him quietly.
“Daize lent me a new series.”
“Oh? She just… let you have it? You guys have only met a handful of times. She must like you.”
Lex shrugged.
Clark curled up on the couch boyishly and ate his waffles with his hands. What a mess the boy was. “I’m game for anything.”
“You must get bored, waiting around for me to come to life,” Lex drawled.
“Sometimes. I guess it’s my own fault. I could find something to do.”
Lex watched Clark suck chocolate off of a finger. “Oh… Did you have anything in mind?”
“Honestly, I just dick around on your internet most of the time. I don’t know what I’d do with myself other than that.”
Lex rolled closer and watched him chew. It was so amusing, how much Clark enjoyed food, his strong jaws working up and down, the tip of his tongue poking the inside of his cheek as he moved the food around. Made sense though, since he was such a big guy. “Well, have you thought about what you want to do in the future? Do you think you’d like to try going back to school? Or getting a job?”
Clark creased his brow a little.
“I mean, you don’t have to. But sometimes having a goal or a set place you’re supposed to be can help. I don’t know how it would be for you. That kind of stress might make things worse.”
Clark tilted his head to the right a little bit. “I dunno. I haven’t been in school for a long time. Would I be able to take college classes?”
“You could get your GED first. It should be pretty easy. Then, one class at a time? There’s no hurry,” Lex assured him.
“Well, classes cost money.”
“I’m sure your mother would pay for them. But if you do that, keep an eye on my dad, and don’t let him push you. He’s very success oriented, and in spite of all the mental illness in this family, he hasn’t managed to redefine his sense of ‘success’ in any constructive way yet. I’m not sure if that falls under tenacity or a learning disability.”
“Sounds like him,” Clark mumbled. “Asshole.”
Lex made a soft laugh. “You’re a very adept young man. You’ve hardly ever met him, and you can make such a keen assessment.”
“I may not have seen him much, but I see what he does to you. I think you can measure a person by how they treat their children.” He sipped his milk. “Do I count in this? If so I think we need a new word for what your father is. Ordering a lobotomy for a kid, kicking your sick son out on the street, letting your idiot wife keep their little brother from them?”
“Don’t call your mom an idiot, Clark,” Lex said sharply.
“I’m just really disappointed in her. That’s all.” He stood to take his dishes back to the kitchen. “I remembered her as a kind, motherly woman. I guess she was, when she was with her own kind.”
“Most people are. You face them with oddities, and the dynamic changes. And you don’t get much odder than me.”
“Well, it sucks.” Clark returned with freshly washed hands. Lex could tell because when Clark put his hand on his shoulder it was still a bit wet. “If I were going to study for the GED, I could do it here at the apartment.”
He paused, removed his hand, and sat on the arm of the couch, looking over at Lex with puppy eyes. “Unless one of those ‘steps’ includes getting my own place.”
Lex took a breath and tried to keep his features neutral as the tension built in his chest. “Do you want to get your own place?”
“No.”
“Well, I have enough room here for the two of us. I don’t see any reason why you should be preparing yourself to leave. I think your own place would be jumping the gun a little, as far as your treatment goes, anyway,” Lex concluded. Clark appeared satisfied. “Why don’t we check online? I’m sure there’s a course or something I could order that would let you do this from home.”
Clark’s features spread into a beamy, pleased look, but Lex wasn’t sure what it was for. He followed him to the laptop and began searching. “If nothing else, I can help you study. I know as much about any of these subjects as you would get from a community offered class.”
“Pfft. I bet you know way more about these subjects. I remember those awesome history lessons you used to give me.” His grin returned, and he blushed a little. “Remember that time at The Beanery?”
“When we first met?” Lex didn’t recall giving any lectures before he and Clark had begun visiting at Fairview.
“I met you before. You just don’t remember me because you were busy at the time.”
Lex shifted in his chair uncomfortably. “You can take practice tests online. This is very do-able, Clark. That is if you want to find something to do when I have to be at work.”
“I kind of do. I’m getting bored, and when I’m bored, I daydream.”
Lex pressed his lips together and rubbed Clark’s leg reassuringly. “I think it’s okay to have daydreams. Having them wasn’t the problem.”
”I suppose not.” He looked up at the screen. “I have no idea what I’d do after I got this, though.”
”You’ll figure it out,” Lex replied confidently. He started to sign Clark up for the practice site.
“Now what do we do?”
Lex shrugged, popping up Amazon to browse for books on the subject. “We could look up some porn.”
Clark shook with laughter.
***
“Hey!” Tay perked up when he saw another customer opening the door for Lex. The kid flipped himself over the counter and took over door duty. “How’s your self?”
It was strange to see how much one young man could change in a few weeks. Tay had a haircut that looked like a bear had mauled him, and he frequently wore women’s jeans and band t-shirts. When Lex had first come in here, Tay (short for Tabaddor, he had discovered) had always been reserved and almost standoffish and abrupt with him. He would avoid helping him or even ringing him up. Lex had, of course, responded by trying to be self-sufficient. He had no idea how to interact with this kid, so he simply respected the cues Tay was giving and avoided him.
“He’s Aspie. It’s no secret, but Tay has trouble sometimes,” Daize had informed him, strolling down the aisle. “He doesn’t mean to be a rude fucker, but you know, it’s not instinctive for him. Being around people drains him because it’s so much effort to communicate. Don’t worry; it’s not that he doesn’t like you. Trust me, most of our other customers are such a pain in the ass, you’re a pleasure to deal with.”
Since social interaction was so draining for Lex, he didn’t feel he had much room to complain. Today they had what sounded like a Japanese band… if their equipment had gained sentience and eaten them. It was pretty strange, but since the store was an independent chain, the employees wore and listened to whatever they wanted. It may not have been as accessible as other stores Lex could have chosen, but it seemed less intimidating, and it was closer to his apartment.
“So has your sound system started craving human flesh? What is this?” Lex asked.
Tay looked over to the CD player and opened his mouth in mock horror. “Buggie Technica! It’s Polysics, dude. Japanese punk.”
“Lovely,” Lex replied sarcastically.
Tay looked down and away.
“Sorry, I guess I’m too old to be hip.” Lex wondered if he had offended the boy or if he was just averting his eyes.
“Don’t say that. This is Daize’s CD. She’s got years on you.” Tay noticed someone coming up to the counter and ran around it to help him. He didn’t actually seem all that bothered. “She’s down in the dungeon hanging tags if you need her. I can get on the Voice of God mike and tell her to get up here.”
Lex smiled softly. “You don’t have to do that.”
The boy pressed on the intercom and said in a low, raspy voice, “Daiiisy Valerio! Your flowery keister is required at the front desk!”
“You sound like Satan.” Lex laughed. Tay wiggled his head from side to side, and his eyes creased a bit.
The stiff looking man in his forties who was checking out four porn dvds looked put out. “Heh. You’ve never called her up here for me!”
“Daize probably wouldn’t maneuver her butt up here for just anyone,” Tay replied thoughtlessly, taking his tags. The man’s face fell.
“What do you want, sprout?” Daize asked, bounding up the stair. “Oh! Hey, I was going to clean up the adult section, but I’ll settle for chatting with Lex, I guess.”
The man’s face fell even further. He took his videos and left. Lex watched him and looked up at Daize curiously. “Who is that guy?”
“A jerk,” Tay said, cleaning up the front counter. Daize smiled and leaned against the counter, slipping her thumbs into the pockets of her patched together jeans. It looked as though she had sewn them up with different fabrics herself.
“He’s a wannabe regular. He wants to be greeted by name, you know. Be buddies with the staff. But he’ll never be a regular.” She smirked the ‘hip video clerk smirk.’ “Because we decide who gets to be a regular…”
“And we don’t like his ass,” Tay drawled in his unaffected monotone.
“I suppose I’ll have to be cautious of getting on your bad side, then.” Lex looked from clerk to clerk with wonder. Even in a video store there were politics. It was amazing. Daize rubbed his shoulder.
“Nah. You’ve never brought back a tape with spooge on it.”
Lex’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding. Please, tell me you’re kidding.”
Tay leaned over the counter with a bottle in his hand. “Hand sanitizer?”
“Truly, you are brave soldiers among the throngs of service workers,” Lex told them. They both laughed. “I’ll get my porn on the internet, thanks.”
Daize looked guilty. Probably regarding the complete inaccessibility of the adult section. “I’m really sorry about that. I keep bitching to the owner.”
“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think I want to have people I interact with on a daily basis knowing my preferences in masturbation materials.”
”We don’t want to know either,” Tay said. “Y’all go ahead. I’ll sentry the counter. Oh! It switched.”
He flipped around and turned up the volume. “Sound system gonna bring me back up! One thing that I can depend on!”
“Indie dork,” Daize said as she walked cordially alongside Lex. “I can tell it blows your mind that we like you better than the other customers.”
“You don’t have to be polite. I know I’m a hassle.”
“You should uh… really hang out here more often. You’ll see what most customers are like.”
“I’d rather not. I try to avoid contact with other people’s bodily fluids.”
“Don’t we all, these days.” She pulled down her top a little to cover her navel. Lex felt a little hot and lifted his cap to wipe the sweat off his head. “Oh! Wow, did you shave your head?”
“Ah ha ha. No, I’ve been bald for a long time.”
“That’s so hot.”
Lex looked down and blushed a little as he put his cap back on. “If I uh… hadn’t already heard you squeal over Warrior Angel, I’d swear you were just shining me on.”
“I’m really not. I’m not that nice. You’re pretty damn sweet, you know. And you’re smart in everything I’m interested in. Comics, science, philosophy...” She poked her head down the action aisle. “Are you… do you know what you’re looking for? Today? Like videos?”
“Um… not really. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Helping you out is like the highlight of my week.”
Lex felt his temperature rise significantly.
“Don’t feel like you have to… I mean, don’t feel awkward. I don’t usually do this ‘cause customers can be creeps and are generally politically retarded. But do you have a girlfriend? Would you like to go out sometime?”
Lex stopped wheeling down the aisle and fumbled. “I uh… erm. Well, th-there’s not really, I…”
Daize lowered herself to his level and pressed her lips together in a reassuring smile that made her look like a pixie.
“I have someone who would be really upset that I went on a date with someone else,” he managed, feeling a little guilty on more than one account.
“Oh, of course you do. My luck. The cute guy is already taken. No problem.” She stood back up easily. “Well, it never hurts to know that other people are still interested, huh?”
“I guess not. I uh… don’t have that many people showing interest these days.”
“People are dumb,” she said confidently. “Take it from the girl who has to clean up their spoo and look at their vapid movie tastes. Ooh! Did you know there’s going to be a Watchers movie coming out? God, I hope they have Adam Mallard on the scripting staff. Keep Alfred and Mills away from this one…”
“That could be an exponential disaster. Or a masterpiece. Depending on the multitudinous factors of scripting, directing, casting, and copyright.” Lex followed her, feeling the tension die down. “There’s so much plot… I don’t know how they’re going to do it justice in two hours. Unless they go Kill Bill with it and make it into several parts.”
“I knoooow,” she groaned. Daize really was an attractive woman. She was a bit short and very curvy, particularly around the backside. And that was something Lex liked a lot in women. She had a sweet, heart shaped face and wise, hazel green eyes and was approaching middle age gracefully. And Lex usually did go for older women as well. If circumstances had been different… but they weren’t, and he had given up moping about his clinical incompatibility with healthy people a long time ago. Besides, it would destroy Clark if he started dating someone now.
“Hope they cast someone pretty as Lori?”
“Yeah, Hollywood. I can at least count on the pretty, right? Lori will be model quality, and they can go canon on her outfit. That short skirt and the neckline down to her navel? I can look forward to that. Oz Blondie will be a hottie for sure.” She leaned over and picked up a movie. “They’d better not get rid of Laughing Owl’s dork glasses and pudge. I want my geek guys, dammit!”
Lex chuckled. “I’m going to have to get Clark to read that one. I keep it in my room; I don’t think he’s gotten to it yet. Or he’d be all… excited about it and want to discuss it with me when I get off work.”
“Clark?”
“He’s my…” Lex faltered looking for an adequate word to describe what Clark was to him. There wasn’t one. Not in the entire English language. “Um… brother. I guess. He’s living with me right now until he gets back on his feet. Actually, I kind of hope he doesn’t move out. I like having someone around to talk to.”
“Brother. Hm.” She passed a case to him to look at. “Is he the one you watch the comic movies with? If he has any sense of irony, I think he’ll like it.”
“He has the best imagination of anyone I’ve ever known. I wish he would just write his ideas down, get them out of his system. He’d probably really enjoy other people reading and talking about his stories.” He looked at the cover. “Right now, he’s working on getting his GED. Well, we just decided that this weekend. I think it will give him a sense of self-accomplishment again. Having those little goals is really important to getting better.”
She nodded sympathetically. “It’s true. Or it was for me when I was an undergrad and trying to cope with my crazy. Have you ever seen All the Queen’s Men? You like history films, right?”
“It’s a documentary?”
“No, it’s a comedy. In drag. About World War II.”
Lex raised his brows and pursed his lips. “Ah… interesting.”
***
“So I have these dreams… maybe the top of my head has fallen off and my brains plop out wetly or something… akin to that general theme. I had one a few days ago. I pressed my thumb against the seam of my arm…”
“The seam of your arm?” Dr. Yeh looked up from her pad with a clinical, interested look at Lex. ”Oh! Your scar?”
“Yeah.” Lex stared at the large window in her large fourth story office. The flesh just below the bump of his head began to prickle.
“Go on.”
”It was just a dream.”
“Sometimes dreams mean something. Sometimes… well they’re just interesting firing of our synapses. Either way, it’s better than you sitting here and lying to me.”
Lex raised a brow. It was getting so hard to focus on what she was saying. “Oh-kay. So I press my thumb against the seam, and it comes open, so… I reach into my arm, and I… take the veins.”
Yeh’s brows raised high but she said nothing.
“I take them in my hand. And I begin to pull. I pull them up my forearm, then I have to pull them through the skin because it’s bunching up. After that, I’ve pulled them up to the shoulder and then I’m… you know really yanking them. So I unravel like a sweater.”
“Hm.”
“So, doc. Tell me what that means.” He pursed his lips and looked at her with little expectation.
Dr. Yeh blinked for a moment, her expression blank. “I could write an article on you.”
Lex gave a bitter laugh. “For some reason, people seem to find me much more interesting than I actually am these days.”
She took a slow sip out of her oversized coffee mug then said. “You don’t like yourself much.”
“How did you ever guess?” Lex said sarcastically, rolling over to the window.
“I mean, this is why you are dreaming such things.”
He looked at her. Suddenly, it seemed as though he were visualizing the words as she was speaking them. They appeared just in front of her mouth, and he read them as he listened.
“This is nothing to be afraid of; we’ve covered this before. Dreams about the body are often related to self-esteem. Your insides can be ripped out, disposed off. You don’t feel that you have anything of value inside. Emptiness. Worthlessness. When the top of your head came off, in your dream, were you the one to cause it?”
Lex nodded with a frown. In his dream, he had been the one to slice a circle around his crown using only his finger. The top fell off neatly before the contents came sloshing out onto his pillowcase.
“Then, it isn’t happening arbitrarily, with no sensible cause, and no one is tearing you to pieces. You are the active participant. It’s a point of being in control of when and how your body unravels, falls apart. This isn’t a sense of control that you often have when waking.”
Lex took a deep, apprehensive breath. Imagining the words she was speaking helped him to concentrate. But he just didn’t want to. “Is our hour up?”
“’fraid not, Lex. Do you remember the dreams you spoke of before? In which you were a ragdoll?”
“Not really,” Lex replied shortly, looking back at the window.
Yeh pursed her lips in displeasure. “I can refresh you, if you’d like. When you were nothing but a kicked around, patched-up toy? A disposable doll? You kept trying to sew yourself up, but whenever Clark walked into the room-“
“I fell apart at the seams. I remember,” Lex snapped.
“It’s all about your self-image. How you feel about yourself. Talk to me about that, Lex.”
He sighed and looked at the clock on the wall. Today’s session was going to be long.
***
“Mondays suck,” Lex announced, coming in through the front door and tossing the DVDs on the couch.
“I’m sorry?” Clark said hesitantly. He was sitting on the floor surrounded by paper. “I’m drowning in algebra. But on the bright side dinner is ready when you are.”
Lex smiled. “I’ll help you with the algebra later. Don’t let it get you down.”
Clark shook his head and pushed his lips into an exaggerated, boyish pout. “It’s almost funny. I was better than everyone else freshman year.”
“It has been awhile, though, since you had this material,” Lex reminded him. Clark leaned his forearms on his knees and smiled up at him dotingly.
“So why do Mondays suck?”
”Too long. Work. Therapy. Guh.” Lex looked over the side of his chair to see what Clark was working on. “We don’t even have a set topic anymore. She just asks me invasive questions. I tell her about dreams. It’s bizarre. I ramble.”
“Then maybe you should tell her that this isn’t working for you anymore, and you guys need to try something else,” Clark suggested reasonably. He stood and brushed off his jeans. “You hungry?”
“Not particularly.”
Clark frowned.
“I am certain, however, that your expertly concocted cuisine will perk my appetite right up.”
“Bullshit. It’s potato salad, deviled eggs, and a big veggie salad. I figured you be too tired for something heavy. And I didn’t want to burn down the penthouse.”
“See? Now you’re thinking like an evil genius,” Lex said, creasing his eyes in amusement.
Clark rolled his eyes. “No, more like a loyal minion. Do I get health insurance with this evil outfit? What’s my 401k look like?”
“I’m evil. You get no benefits or holidays.”
“I’ll go on an evil strike if I’m not getting benefits.”
“I could maybe swing health insurance. We keep a therapist on staff at the evil secret lab. I mean, I can’t have my minions going batshit and turning on me, can I?”
”Nice thinking, boss. Do you want me to fix some plates? You got movies right?” Clark went into the kitchen.
“Someday I’ll have to cook for you. It’s been too long.” Lex rolled over to set up the DVD player. “I used to cook for Helen every night.”
“Lucky bitch.”
“Don’t… go easy on her Clark. She’s not doing so well.” Lex looked over the movies he’d rented and wondered which one Clark would like to see. It didn’t matter, he guessed. Clark wouldn’t complain in any case.
“What?” Clark came out of the kitchen with a large spoon in his hand. “You still see her?”
“No, y’nitwit. I have as little contact with her as possible. But… I hear things. When I’m in the hospital for tests. She’s not going to last much longer. She went too long without getting treatment. You’d think a nurse would know better.”
“That kinda sucks. Do you feel bad?”
“I feel sorry for her. Her family is really going to miss her.” Honestly, Lex still missed her, but he supposed what he missed about her had been her faked interest or love for him. So, in essence, Lex supposed he missed the illusion that someone could love him. Clark came up from behind him and gave him a hug around the shoulders. Lex relaxed against his embrace.
“We’d miss you, too.”
”I don’t meant to be negative…” Lex turned his head a little. “But I kinda doubt the Luthor clan would do much mourning over me. You could have one of those big New Orleans style wakes, though. The passing of a burden is more of an occasion for a party than getting weepy at the graveyard.”
“I’m not talking about Luthor-Dee and Luthor-Dumb. I’m talking about me and Lucas and Mercy and those girls from the office who call to check on you when you’re in the hospital, and the kids at the video store who think you’re awesome enough to share comic books with,” Clark said firmly. He left him to go finish fixing their plates.
Lex couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so warm for so long. The thought was frightening him because if he felt this good now, it would only be a matter of time before the feeling left him, and then it would hurt all the more in comparison when the grating weight pressed down on his shoulders once again. He tried to push those thoughts out of his mind and concentrate on his time with Clark.
Clark came in with two plates, and after Lex maneuvered himself onto the couch, they had their light dinner while watching the movie and making ridiculous comments throughout. Afterward, Lex sat in the floor with Clark and helped him with his studies for about an hour before he started to nod off. To his surprise, it didn’t bother him so much when Clark swept him up in his arms, laughing a little, and took him to bed.
“All set, boss? Want some pjs?”
Lex flushed. “I could have made it to bed.”
“Yeah, I guess. Obviously. But this is totally more fun,” Clark laughed. He pulled out the top of Lex’s dresser and looked through the pajamas. “Whoa. Purple. Cute.” He tossed the pjs at Lex, grinning all the way. “Get some sleep. It looks like you’ve had a rough day.”
Lex sucked in his lips and nodded. “Don’t stay up too late studying. And don’t stress yourself out. You have plenty of time.”
Clark saluted him, taking the door to close behind him. “Yes, boss.”
Lex watched him go and felt conflicted. He began to take off his work clothes and sat a moment running his fingers obsessively over his scars and his thin frame. He wondered how Clark had seen him, when he had walked in on him on Saturday.
***
Lex hadn’t been aware that Michelle had called when he was out sick, and he had no idea of how to thank her, but he did come by her desk during lunch to talk to her. She seemed busy, so when one of the suits dropped off a pile of papers for her to Xerox for a meeting, Lex snatched them and did it himself without a word. He even popped in the conference room and reminded Jameson that copies should be sent to the secretary of their department twenty-four hours before they would be needed, not dropped on he desk of any secretary ten minutes before. He suspected he only got away with it for being the boss’ son.
After that, however, Lex felt fairly unsure of himself and avoided forcing his dreary company on her by continuing isolate himself in his office. With Michelle and her Looks… it was probably wiser not to let her get attached to him. When Friday finally came, it couldn’t possibly have been too soon. Lucas would be coming over tomorrow. He could breathe again. He knew that things were better, somehow, but he felt precarious and likely to slip at any time.
“Lex, why did you try to kill yourself?”
Lex looked up from the algebra textbook he was looking over on the floor with Clark. Clark moved towards Lex slowly as though he were a deer that might spook and run away. Lex felt a bit of bitter amusement at the metaphor. He answered cautiously, “You remember that, do you?”
“It came back. Two years ago, you tried to kill yourself. I remember you telling me you were going to do it,” Clark said softly. “Why did you? You told me… a little while ago, that you wanted to believe in me. Is it because I failed you?” Clark moved closer, but not too close. “I don’t want to trigger you or anything, Lex, but your eyes look… have been looking… a lot like they did just before…”
Lex was a bit surprised that Clark had noticed. He supposed Clark had been watching him as much as he watched Clark. And been using Google again to read up on his conditions. “I’m not going to kill myself now, Clark.”
“Why? Why did you do it then, and what’s stopping you now?”
Lex turned his head and covered his eyes.
”I said I’m going to commit suicide, Clark.” Lex’s voice sounded so calm and rational. He was scaring himself. He knew he must be scaring Clark. Maybe… this would be the best for both of them.
“No. Nooo, Lex you can’t leave me. Don’t leave!” Clark jumped up and grabbed onto Lex’s wrist. The guard came between them and pressed Clark again the wall.
”You can let him go,” Lex said, but as per usually, they didn’t listen. No one was listening, really. Not his father, or Clark, or even the therapist who Lionel had hired. He would be alone tonight, like every night. Now and for the rest of his goddamn miserable life. And every day he would come here and find more and more of Clark’s beautiful mind shattered and scattered to the vicious winds of mental illness and lost forever.
“Don’t leave, Lex, god! Listen to me, you can’t let him leave!”
Lex felt his eyes growing wet. “You’ll forget me, Clark. You’ll forget me, and you’ll get better, finally. I’m sure of it. Watching me die is holding you back.”
Clark continued to scream for him as he calmly left the room.
Clark’s large hand took Lex’s shoulder, startling him out of the memory. “I want to know if it was my fault. I can take it, I think. I mean, I know I’m starting to cope with what I did to you, but I need to know everything I did.”
Lex turned to look at him, only to find Clark crying again. Not big babyish sobs. Not anymore. But one fat tear rolling down Clark’s cheek. He was holding the rest of them back, trying to be brave for him.
“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own,” Lex whispered. “I’m fucked up. Heh. Obviously. I attempted suicide because I wanted to die. I still think about it sometimes.” He took a shaky breath. “A lot. But I won’t be trying anything right now.”
“Is that a promise? Why?” Clark asked with hope in his voice.
Lex pulled his sleeves over his fingers. “I still have to make sure that you’re going to be okay. My father could still get to you. You can’t do this alone.”
“Hey. What makes you think that you can do this on your own? I remember you telling me that no one would be there-“
Lex cracked a cynical smile. “When I did it, it was true.”
Clark took a deep breath at that before continuing. “So if I’m here-“
“I don’t know, Clark. It makes it harder for me, definitely, if I got it in my mind-“
“I won’t let you!”
Lex jumped. He hadn’t heard Clark’s voice so forceful since he was in Fairview. Clark gripped him by the shoulders and forced him to look into his eyes.
“Neither will Mercy. I know it’s hard. But I won’t let you. We won’t. So if you get it into your head, remember that I’m always going to be here.”
“Not if my father has anything to say about it, you won’t be.”
“He can go fuck himself merrily with a chainsaw.”
Lex looked into his eyes wistfully.
“You’ve done so much for me, Lex. I need to be here for you, too. I’m trying to be.”
“I know you are. You don’t know how much it helps, just to have you here. I feel…” The words caught in Lex’s throat for a moment. “More alive and real and here than I have in years.”
Clark’s large hand slipped down Lex’s angular shoulders and searched Lex’s eyes. “What happened? Why? Because of your legs, because you were alone? Oh, wasn’t that after you’d lost your job?”
“I’d lost my first job, then my job with Lionel, but all of the above… It was also after… Helen left me… and I found out about the HIV. I was dying anyway… and I was living in a horrible little place with my money running out and little assistance…” Lex shrugged again and watched Clark’s face with unsteady eyes.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t have stopped it. Your…”
“You couldn’t.” Lex felt the gulf between them and wished he could comfort the young man in some way. He put a hand on Clark’s leg, hoping that would signal something. That it would feel less like this was happening to someone else. Clark put his hand over Lex’s, and Lex thought that Clark might have understood. He almost felt himself sinking back into his own body.
“Your father could have. My mother could have. They could have done something! I don’t care who she thinks you are. I can’t believe they left you alone.” He tightened his grip. Lex looked at him blankly.
“I don’t know that they could…”
“Well, they didn’t help,” Clark snapped. Lex jumped a little at the sheer venom in his voice, and Clark looked back to him apologetically. “Sorry, but… they’re so damn selfish. You’re struggling yourself, and you still took me in. They couldn’t spare you a room in one of those mansions of theirs? They couldn’t make you feel like you were part of the damn family? They have everything, and they can’t bear to share a bit of it.”
Clark had improved so much over the last few weeks; he sounded so coherent and strong. Lex almost didn’t recognize the boy. Well… not so much of a boy anymore, was he? Lex squeezed his hand reassuringly.
“I promise to try.”
“Good.” Clark reached over and squeezed him in a bear hug. Lex laughed a little and hugged him back.
“I’m sorry I’m so crazy,” Lex muttered, feeling like the words were utterly ineffective for what Clark had to put up with living with him.
Clark let him go and chuckled. “Did you really just say that to a schizophrenic? You’re sorry you’re crazy? My crazy has done more damage here.”
“Okay then. You can win the crazy contest,” Lex returned, a bit uncertainly.
Clark pulled up his legs and rested his chin on them. “Do I get a trophy?”
“No. But I might bake you cake.”
Clark scrunched his eyes shut and smiled widely. “Crazycakes! Awesome!”
“You’re easy to please.” Lex looked at the papers surrounding them. “I’m sorry, I can’t cope with algebra any more tonight.”
“You going to bed?”
Lex frowned. “I’m tired, but I don’t really want to.”
Clark lifted him back into his chair. “Well, get in your pjs, and I’ll make some popcorn.”
“Good idea.” Lex settled himself and started to roll toward his bedroom.
“Hey, uh… Lex if I ever get… Dr. Yeh said I don’t seem to understand normal… boundaries? So if I do stuff you don’t like, you’ll tell me right?” Clark followed him to the door and looked down uncertainly.
“Well, you can’t watch me undress.”
Clark grinned and clenched his fist comically. “Dammit!”
“We’re okay. I’ll tell you when it’s too much.”
Clark nodded and bounced a little as he went to go make popcorn. Lex smiled slightly as he bit down on his thumbnail watching Clark bustle around, preparing the couch for a little sleepover. He was starting to worry that Clark’s lack of understanding regarding boundaries might not be the problem.
That night they dozed off together watching cartoons.
AN: Yep. Crazycakes. Awwww… Well, I had to be nice to them at least a little before I started torturing them again.
Pairing: Clex
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Clark is finally out of the asylum and living with Lex as he recovers. Lex, however, has problems of his own to contend with.
Spoilers: Through S6 Labyrinth.
Warnings: Totally AU. Dark and possibly triggering for folks with depression. WIP
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Lex ran anxious fingertips over his lips then smiled widely, although he couldn’t verbalize what was causing the foreign happy feeling swelling inside him. The prickling pins that had been dancing on his skin for days were gone. His heart beat intensely, and he suddenly felt very awake.
He could have sworn that Clark was about to kiss him.
“Wuh- uh... What do you… want to do today? Well, for the rest of the day.” Lex studied his waffle. He was certain that he was blushing indecorously.
Clark didn’t seem to notice and shrugged. “We watched our movies. I’ve read all of your comics already. We’ll have to make our own fun.” Then Clark crouched down and poked his shoulder. He met Lex’s eye with intensity and concern. “Eat.”
“Sorry.” Lex avoided his gaze.
“Don’t apologize. Eat!” Clark moved as though he were going to cut it up for him.
“No, I’m fine, I just… uh… feel a little…”
Alarm registered on Clark’s face. “Do you need a doctor?”
“No.” Lex rolled his eyes. “The meds make my stomach feel funny sometimes, and I just took it, so…”
“Oh. Well, we can reheat them when you stop feeling wonky.” Clark stood, grabbed a couple more for himself, and took the rest of the stack over to wrap it up. Lex crooked a half-smile, watching him set the dishes in the dishwasher before grabbing his plate and glass of milk and heading into the living room. Lex followed him quietly.
“Daize lent me a new series.”
“Oh? She just… let you have it? You guys have only met a handful of times. She must like you.”
Lex shrugged.
Clark curled up on the couch boyishly and ate his waffles with his hands. What a mess the boy was. “I’m game for anything.”
“You must get bored, waiting around for me to come to life,” Lex drawled.
“Sometimes. I guess it’s my own fault. I could find something to do.”
Lex watched Clark suck chocolate off of a finger. “Oh… Did you have anything in mind?”
“Honestly, I just dick around on your internet most of the time. I don’t know what I’d do with myself other than that.”
Lex rolled closer and watched him chew. It was so amusing, how much Clark enjoyed food, his strong jaws working up and down, the tip of his tongue poking the inside of his cheek as he moved the food around. Made sense though, since he was such a big guy. “Well, have you thought about what you want to do in the future? Do you think you’d like to try going back to school? Or getting a job?”
Clark creased his brow a little.
“I mean, you don’t have to. But sometimes having a goal or a set place you’re supposed to be can help. I don’t know how it would be for you. That kind of stress might make things worse.”
Clark tilted his head to the right a little bit. “I dunno. I haven’t been in school for a long time. Would I be able to take college classes?”
“You could get your GED first. It should be pretty easy. Then, one class at a time? There’s no hurry,” Lex assured him.
“Well, classes cost money.”
“I’m sure your mother would pay for them. But if you do that, keep an eye on my dad, and don’t let him push you. He’s very success oriented, and in spite of all the mental illness in this family, he hasn’t managed to redefine his sense of ‘success’ in any constructive way yet. I’m not sure if that falls under tenacity or a learning disability.”
“Sounds like him,” Clark mumbled. “Asshole.”
Lex made a soft laugh. “You’re a very adept young man. You’ve hardly ever met him, and you can make such a keen assessment.”
“I may not have seen him much, but I see what he does to you. I think you can measure a person by how they treat their children.” He sipped his milk. “Do I count in this? If so I think we need a new word for what your father is. Ordering a lobotomy for a kid, kicking your sick son out on the street, letting your idiot wife keep their little brother from them?”
“Don’t call your mom an idiot, Clark,” Lex said sharply.
“I’m just really disappointed in her. That’s all.” He stood to take his dishes back to the kitchen. “I remembered her as a kind, motherly woman. I guess she was, when she was with her own kind.”
“Most people are. You face them with oddities, and the dynamic changes. And you don’t get much odder than me.”
“Well, it sucks.” Clark returned with freshly washed hands. Lex could tell because when Clark put his hand on his shoulder it was still a bit wet. “If I were going to study for the GED, I could do it here at the apartment.”
He paused, removed his hand, and sat on the arm of the couch, looking over at Lex with puppy eyes. “Unless one of those ‘steps’ includes getting my own place.”
Lex took a breath and tried to keep his features neutral as the tension built in his chest. “Do you want to get your own place?”
“No.”
“Well, I have enough room here for the two of us. I don’t see any reason why you should be preparing yourself to leave. I think your own place would be jumping the gun a little, as far as your treatment goes, anyway,” Lex concluded. Clark appeared satisfied. “Why don’t we check online? I’m sure there’s a course or something I could order that would let you do this from home.”
Clark’s features spread into a beamy, pleased look, but Lex wasn’t sure what it was for. He followed him to the laptop and began searching. “If nothing else, I can help you study. I know as much about any of these subjects as you would get from a community offered class.”
“Pfft. I bet you know way more about these subjects. I remember those awesome history lessons you used to give me.” His grin returned, and he blushed a little. “Remember that time at The Beanery?”
“When we first met?” Lex didn’t recall giving any lectures before he and Clark had begun visiting at Fairview.
“I met you before. You just don’t remember me because you were busy at the time.”
Lex shifted in his chair uncomfortably. “You can take practice tests online. This is very do-able, Clark. That is if you want to find something to do when I have to be at work.”
“I kind of do. I’m getting bored, and when I’m bored, I daydream.”
Lex pressed his lips together and rubbed Clark’s leg reassuringly. “I think it’s okay to have daydreams. Having them wasn’t the problem.”
”I suppose not.” He looked up at the screen. “I have no idea what I’d do after I got this, though.”
”You’ll figure it out,” Lex replied confidently. He started to sign Clark up for the practice site.
“Now what do we do?”
Lex shrugged, popping up Amazon to browse for books on the subject. “We could look up some porn.”
Clark shook with laughter.
***
“Hey!” Tay perked up when he saw another customer opening the door for Lex. The kid flipped himself over the counter and took over door duty. “How’s your self?”
It was strange to see how much one young man could change in a few weeks. Tay had a haircut that looked like a bear had mauled him, and he frequently wore women’s jeans and band t-shirts. When Lex had first come in here, Tay (short for Tabaddor, he had discovered) had always been reserved and almost standoffish and abrupt with him. He would avoid helping him or even ringing him up. Lex had, of course, responded by trying to be self-sufficient. He had no idea how to interact with this kid, so he simply respected the cues Tay was giving and avoided him.
“He’s Aspie. It’s no secret, but Tay has trouble sometimes,” Daize had informed him, strolling down the aisle. “He doesn’t mean to be a rude fucker, but you know, it’s not instinctive for him. Being around people drains him because it’s so much effort to communicate. Don’t worry; it’s not that he doesn’t like you. Trust me, most of our other customers are such a pain in the ass, you’re a pleasure to deal with.”
Since social interaction was so draining for Lex, he didn’t feel he had much room to complain. Today they had what sounded like a Japanese band… if their equipment had gained sentience and eaten them. It was pretty strange, but since the store was an independent chain, the employees wore and listened to whatever they wanted. It may not have been as accessible as other stores Lex could have chosen, but it seemed less intimidating, and it was closer to his apartment.
“So has your sound system started craving human flesh? What is this?” Lex asked.
Tay looked over to the CD player and opened his mouth in mock horror. “Buggie Technica! It’s Polysics, dude. Japanese punk.”
“Lovely,” Lex replied sarcastically.
Tay looked down and away.
“Sorry, I guess I’m too old to be hip.” Lex wondered if he had offended the boy or if he was just averting his eyes.
“Don’t say that. This is Daize’s CD. She’s got years on you.” Tay noticed someone coming up to the counter and ran around it to help him. He didn’t actually seem all that bothered. “She’s down in the dungeon hanging tags if you need her. I can get on the Voice of God mike and tell her to get up here.”
Lex smiled softly. “You don’t have to do that.”
The boy pressed on the intercom and said in a low, raspy voice, “Daiiisy Valerio! Your flowery keister is required at the front desk!”
“You sound like Satan.” Lex laughed. Tay wiggled his head from side to side, and his eyes creased a bit.
The stiff looking man in his forties who was checking out four porn dvds looked put out. “Heh. You’ve never called her up here for me!”
“Daize probably wouldn’t maneuver her butt up here for just anyone,” Tay replied thoughtlessly, taking his tags. The man’s face fell.
“What do you want, sprout?” Daize asked, bounding up the stair. “Oh! Hey, I was going to clean up the adult section, but I’ll settle for chatting with Lex, I guess.”
The man’s face fell even further. He took his videos and left. Lex watched him and looked up at Daize curiously. “Who is that guy?”
“A jerk,” Tay said, cleaning up the front counter. Daize smiled and leaned against the counter, slipping her thumbs into the pockets of her patched together jeans. It looked as though she had sewn them up with different fabrics herself.
“He’s a wannabe regular. He wants to be greeted by name, you know. Be buddies with the staff. But he’ll never be a regular.” She smirked the ‘hip video clerk smirk.’ “Because we decide who gets to be a regular…”
“And we don’t like his ass,” Tay drawled in his unaffected monotone.
“I suppose I’ll have to be cautious of getting on your bad side, then.” Lex looked from clerk to clerk with wonder. Even in a video store there were politics. It was amazing. Daize rubbed his shoulder.
“Nah. You’ve never brought back a tape with spooge on it.”
Lex’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding. Please, tell me you’re kidding.”
Tay leaned over the counter with a bottle in his hand. “Hand sanitizer?”
“Truly, you are brave soldiers among the throngs of service workers,” Lex told them. They both laughed. “I’ll get my porn on the internet, thanks.”
Daize looked guilty. Probably regarding the complete inaccessibility of the adult section. “I’m really sorry about that. I keep bitching to the owner.”
“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think I want to have people I interact with on a daily basis knowing my preferences in masturbation materials.”
”We don’t want to know either,” Tay said. “Y’all go ahead. I’ll sentry the counter. Oh! It switched.”
He flipped around and turned up the volume. “Sound system gonna bring me back up! One thing that I can depend on!”
“Indie dork,” Daize said as she walked cordially alongside Lex. “I can tell it blows your mind that we like you better than the other customers.”
“You don’t have to be polite. I know I’m a hassle.”
“You should uh… really hang out here more often. You’ll see what most customers are like.”
“I’d rather not. I try to avoid contact with other people’s bodily fluids.”
“Don’t we all, these days.” She pulled down her top a little to cover her navel. Lex felt a little hot and lifted his cap to wipe the sweat off his head. “Oh! Wow, did you shave your head?”
“Ah ha ha. No, I’ve been bald for a long time.”
“That’s so hot.”
Lex looked down and blushed a little as he put his cap back on. “If I uh… hadn’t already heard you squeal over Warrior Angel, I’d swear you were just shining me on.”
“I’m really not. I’m not that nice. You’re pretty damn sweet, you know. And you’re smart in everything I’m interested in. Comics, science, philosophy...” She poked her head down the action aisle. “Are you… do you know what you’re looking for? Today? Like videos?”
“Um… not really. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Helping you out is like the highlight of my week.”
Lex felt his temperature rise significantly.
“Don’t feel like you have to… I mean, don’t feel awkward. I don’t usually do this ‘cause customers can be creeps and are generally politically retarded. But do you have a girlfriend? Would you like to go out sometime?”
Lex stopped wheeling down the aisle and fumbled. “I uh… erm. Well, th-there’s not really, I…”
Daize lowered herself to his level and pressed her lips together in a reassuring smile that made her look like a pixie.
“I have someone who would be really upset that I went on a date with someone else,” he managed, feeling a little guilty on more than one account.
“Oh, of course you do. My luck. The cute guy is already taken. No problem.” She stood back up easily. “Well, it never hurts to know that other people are still interested, huh?”
“I guess not. I uh… don’t have that many people showing interest these days.”
“People are dumb,” she said confidently. “Take it from the girl who has to clean up their spoo and look at their vapid movie tastes. Ooh! Did you know there’s going to be a Watchers movie coming out? God, I hope they have Adam Mallard on the scripting staff. Keep Alfred and Mills away from this one…”
“That could be an exponential disaster. Or a masterpiece. Depending on the multitudinous factors of scripting, directing, casting, and copyright.” Lex followed her, feeling the tension die down. “There’s so much plot… I don’t know how they’re going to do it justice in two hours. Unless they go Kill Bill with it and make it into several parts.”
“I knoooow,” she groaned. Daize really was an attractive woman. She was a bit short and very curvy, particularly around the backside. And that was something Lex liked a lot in women. She had a sweet, heart shaped face and wise, hazel green eyes and was approaching middle age gracefully. And Lex usually did go for older women as well. If circumstances had been different… but they weren’t, and he had given up moping about his clinical incompatibility with healthy people a long time ago. Besides, it would destroy Clark if he started dating someone now.
“Hope they cast someone pretty as Lori?”
“Yeah, Hollywood. I can at least count on the pretty, right? Lori will be model quality, and they can go canon on her outfit. That short skirt and the neckline down to her navel? I can look forward to that. Oz Blondie will be a hottie for sure.” She leaned over and picked up a movie. “They’d better not get rid of Laughing Owl’s dork glasses and pudge. I want my geek guys, dammit!”
Lex chuckled. “I’m going to have to get Clark to read that one. I keep it in my room; I don’t think he’s gotten to it yet. Or he’d be all… excited about it and want to discuss it with me when I get off work.”
“Clark?”
“He’s my…” Lex faltered looking for an adequate word to describe what Clark was to him. There wasn’t one. Not in the entire English language. “Um… brother. I guess. He’s living with me right now until he gets back on his feet. Actually, I kind of hope he doesn’t move out. I like having someone around to talk to.”
“Brother. Hm.” She passed a case to him to look at. “Is he the one you watch the comic movies with? If he has any sense of irony, I think he’ll like it.”
“He has the best imagination of anyone I’ve ever known. I wish he would just write his ideas down, get them out of his system. He’d probably really enjoy other people reading and talking about his stories.” He looked at the cover. “Right now, he’s working on getting his GED. Well, we just decided that this weekend. I think it will give him a sense of self-accomplishment again. Having those little goals is really important to getting better.”
She nodded sympathetically. “It’s true. Or it was for me when I was an undergrad and trying to cope with my crazy. Have you ever seen All the Queen’s Men? You like history films, right?”
“It’s a documentary?”
“No, it’s a comedy. In drag. About World War II.”
Lex raised his brows and pursed his lips. “Ah… interesting.”
***
“So I have these dreams… maybe the top of my head has fallen off and my brains plop out wetly or something… akin to that general theme. I had one a few days ago. I pressed my thumb against the seam of my arm…”
“The seam of your arm?” Dr. Yeh looked up from her pad with a clinical, interested look at Lex. ”Oh! Your scar?”
“Yeah.” Lex stared at the large window in her large fourth story office. The flesh just below the bump of his head began to prickle.
“Go on.”
”It was just a dream.”
“Sometimes dreams mean something. Sometimes… well they’re just interesting firing of our synapses. Either way, it’s better than you sitting here and lying to me.”
Lex raised a brow. It was getting so hard to focus on what she was saying. “Oh-kay. So I press my thumb against the seam, and it comes open, so… I reach into my arm, and I… take the veins.”
Yeh’s brows raised high but she said nothing.
“I take them in my hand. And I begin to pull. I pull them up my forearm, then I have to pull them through the skin because it’s bunching up. After that, I’ve pulled them up to the shoulder and then I’m… you know really yanking them. So I unravel like a sweater.”
“Hm.”
“So, doc. Tell me what that means.” He pursed his lips and looked at her with little expectation.
Dr. Yeh blinked for a moment, her expression blank. “I could write an article on you.”
Lex gave a bitter laugh. “For some reason, people seem to find me much more interesting than I actually am these days.”
She took a slow sip out of her oversized coffee mug then said. “You don’t like yourself much.”
“How did you ever guess?” Lex said sarcastically, rolling over to the window.
“I mean, this is why you are dreaming such things.”
He looked at her. Suddenly, it seemed as though he were visualizing the words as she was speaking them. They appeared just in front of her mouth, and he read them as he listened.
“This is nothing to be afraid of; we’ve covered this before. Dreams about the body are often related to self-esteem. Your insides can be ripped out, disposed off. You don’t feel that you have anything of value inside. Emptiness. Worthlessness. When the top of your head came off, in your dream, were you the one to cause it?”
Lex nodded with a frown. In his dream, he had been the one to slice a circle around his crown using only his finger. The top fell off neatly before the contents came sloshing out onto his pillowcase.
“Then, it isn’t happening arbitrarily, with no sensible cause, and no one is tearing you to pieces. You are the active participant. It’s a point of being in control of when and how your body unravels, falls apart. This isn’t a sense of control that you often have when waking.”
Lex took a deep, apprehensive breath. Imagining the words she was speaking helped him to concentrate. But he just didn’t want to. “Is our hour up?”
“’fraid not, Lex. Do you remember the dreams you spoke of before? In which you were a ragdoll?”
“Not really,” Lex replied shortly, looking back at the window.
Yeh pursed her lips in displeasure. “I can refresh you, if you’d like. When you were nothing but a kicked around, patched-up toy? A disposable doll? You kept trying to sew yourself up, but whenever Clark walked into the room-“
“I fell apart at the seams. I remember,” Lex snapped.
“It’s all about your self-image. How you feel about yourself. Talk to me about that, Lex.”
He sighed and looked at the clock on the wall. Today’s session was going to be long.
***
“Mondays suck,” Lex announced, coming in through the front door and tossing the DVDs on the couch.
“I’m sorry?” Clark said hesitantly. He was sitting on the floor surrounded by paper. “I’m drowning in algebra. But on the bright side dinner is ready when you are.”
Lex smiled. “I’ll help you with the algebra later. Don’t let it get you down.”
Clark shook his head and pushed his lips into an exaggerated, boyish pout. “It’s almost funny. I was better than everyone else freshman year.”
“It has been awhile, though, since you had this material,” Lex reminded him. Clark leaned his forearms on his knees and smiled up at him dotingly.
“So why do Mondays suck?”
”Too long. Work. Therapy. Guh.” Lex looked over the side of his chair to see what Clark was working on. “We don’t even have a set topic anymore. She just asks me invasive questions. I tell her about dreams. It’s bizarre. I ramble.”
“Then maybe you should tell her that this isn’t working for you anymore, and you guys need to try something else,” Clark suggested reasonably. He stood and brushed off his jeans. “You hungry?”
“Not particularly.”
Clark frowned.
“I am certain, however, that your expertly concocted cuisine will perk my appetite right up.”
“Bullshit. It’s potato salad, deviled eggs, and a big veggie salad. I figured you be too tired for something heavy. And I didn’t want to burn down the penthouse.”
“See? Now you’re thinking like an evil genius,” Lex said, creasing his eyes in amusement.
Clark rolled his eyes. “No, more like a loyal minion. Do I get health insurance with this evil outfit? What’s my 401k look like?”
“I’m evil. You get no benefits or holidays.”
“I’ll go on an evil strike if I’m not getting benefits.”
“I could maybe swing health insurance. We keep a therapist on staff at the evil secret lab. I mean, I can’t have my minions going batshit and turning on me, can I?”
”Nice thinking, boss. Do you want me to fix some plates? You got movies right?” Clark went into the kitchen.
“Someday I’ll have to cook for you. It’s been too long.” Lex rolled over to set up the DVD player. “I used to cook for Helen every night.”
“Lucky bitch.”
“Don’t… go easy on her Clark. She’s not doing so well.” Lex looked over the movies he’d rented and wondered which one Clark would like to see. It didn’t matter, he guessed. Clark wouldn’t complain in any case.
“What?” Clark came out of the kitchen with a large spoon in his hand. “You still see her?”
“No, y’nitwit. I have as little contact with her as possible. But… I hear things. When I’m in the hospital for tests. She’s not going to last much longer. She went too long without getting treatment. You’d think a nurse would know better.”
“That kinda sucks. Do you feel bad?”
“I feel sorry for her. Her family is really going to miss her.” Honestly, Lex still missed her, but he supposed what he missed about her had been her faked interest or love for him. So, in essence, Lex supposed he missed the illusion that someone could love him. Clark came up from behind him and gave him a hug around the shoulders. Lex relaxed against his embrace.
“We’d miss you, too.”
”I don’t meant to be negative…” Lex turned his head a little. “But I kinda doubt the Luthor clan would do much mourning over me. You could have one of those big New Orleans style wakes, though. The passing of a burden is more of an occasion for a party than getting weepy at the graveyard.”
“I’m not talking about Luthor-Dee and Luthor-Dumb. I’m talking about me and Lucas and Mercy and those girls from the office who call to check on you when you’re in the hospital, and the kids at the video store who think you’re awesome enough to share comic books with,” Clark said firmly. He left him to go finish fixing their plates.
Lex couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so warm for so long. The thought was frightening him because if he felt this good now, it would only be a matter of time before the feeling left him, and then it would hurt all the more in comparison when the grating weight pressed down on his shoulders once again. He tried to push those thoughts out of his mind and concentrate on his time with Clark.
Clark came in with two plates, and after Lex maneuvered himself onto the couch, they had their light dinner while watching the movie and making ridiculous comments throughout. Afterward, Lex sat in the floor with Clark and helped him with his studies for about an hour before he started to nod off. To his surprise, it didn’t bother him so much when Clark swept him up in his arms, laughing a little, and took him to bed.
“All set, boss? Want some pjs?”
Lex flushed. “I could have made it to bed.”
“Yeah, I guess. Obviously. But this is totally more fun,” Clark laughed. He pulled out the top of Lex’s dresser and looked through the pajamas. “Whoa. Purple. Cute.” He tossed the pjs at Lex, grinning all the way. “Get some sleep. It looks like you’ve had a rough day.”
Lex sucked in his lips and nodded. “Don’t stay up too late studying. And don’t stress yourself out. You have plenty of time.”
Clark saluted him, taking the door to close behind him. “Yes, boss.”
Lex watched him go and felt conflicted. He began to take off his work clothes and sat a moment running his fingers obsessively over his scars and his thin frame. He wondered how Clark had seen him, when he had walked in on him on Saturday.
***
Lex hadn’t been aware that Michelle had called when he was out sick, and he had no idea of how to thank her, but he did come by her desk during lunch to talk to her. She seemed busy, so when one of the suits dropped off a pile of papers for her to Xerox for a meeting, Lex snatched them and did it himself without a word. He even popped in the conference room and reminded Jameson that copies should be sent to the secretary of their department twenty-four hours before they would be needed, not dropped on he desk of any secretary ten minutes before. He suspected he only got away with it for being the boss’ son.
After that, however, Lex felt fairly unsure of himself and avoided forcing his dreary company on her by continuing isolate himself in his office. With Michelle and her Looks… it was probably wiser not to let her get attached to him. When Friday finally came, it couldn’t possibly have been too soon. Lucas would be coming over tomorrow. He could breathe again. He knew that things were better, somehow, but he felt precarious and likely to slip at any time.
“Lex, why did you try to kill yourself?”
Lex looked up from the algebra textbook he was looking over on the floor with Clark. Clark moved towards Lex slowly as though he were a deer that might spook and run away. Lex felt a bit of bitter amusement at the metaphor. He answered cautiously, “You remember that, do you?”
“It came back. Two years ago, you tried to kill yourself. I remember you telling me you were going to do it,” Clark said softly. “Why did you? You told me… a little while ago, that you wanted to believe in me. Is it because I failed you?” Clark moved closer, but not too close. “I don’t want to trigger you or anything, Lex, but your eyes look… have been looking… a lot like they did just before…”
Lex was a bit surprised that Clark had noticed. He supposed Clark had been watching him as much as he watched Clark. And been using Google again to read up on his conditions. “I’m not going to kill myself now, Clark.”
“Why? Why did you do it then, and what’s stopping you now?”
Lex turned his head and covered his eyes.
”I said I’m going to commit suicide, Clark.” Lex’s voice sounded so calm and rational. He was scaring himself. He knew he must be scaring Clark. Maybe… this would be the best for both of them.
“No. Nooo, Lex you can’t leave me. Don’t leave!” Clark jumped up and grabbed onto Lex’s wrist. The guard came between them and pressed Clark again the wall.
”You can let him go,” Lex said, but as per usually, they didn’t listen. No one was listening, really. Not his father, or Clark, or even the therapist who Lionel had hired. He would be alone tonight, like every night. Now and for the rest of his goddamn miserable life. And every day he would come here and find more and more of Clark’s beautiful mind shattered and scattered to the vicious winds of mental illness and lost forever.
“Don’t leave, Lex, god! Listen to me, you can’t let him leave!”
Lex felt his eyes growing wet. “You’ll forget me, Clark. You’ll forget me, and you’ll get better, finally. I’m sure of it. Watching me die is holding you back.”
Clark continued to scream for him as he calmly left the room.
Clark’s large hand took Lex’s shoulder, startling him out of the memory. “I want to know if it was my fault. I can take it, I think. I mean, I know I’m starting to cope with what I did to you, but I need to know everything I did.”
Lex turned to look at him, only to find Clark crying again. Not big babyish sobs. Not anymore. But one fat tear rolling down Clark’s cheek. He was holding the rest of them back, trying to be brave for him.
“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own,” Lex whispered. “I’m fucked up. Heh. Obviously. I attempted suicide because I wanted to die. I still think about it sometimes.” He took a shaky breath. “A lot. But I won’t be trying anything right now.”
“Is that a promise? Why?” Clark asked with hope in his voice.
Lex pulled his sleeves over his fingers. “I still have to make sure that you’re going to be okay. My father could still get to you. You can’t do this alone.”
“Hey. What makes you think that you can do this on your own? I remember you telling me that no one would be there-“
Lex cracked a cynical smile. “When I did it, it was true.”
Clark took a deep breath at that before continuing. “So if I’m here-“
“I don’t know, Clark. It makes it harder for me, definitely, if I got it in my mind-“
“I won’t let you!”
Lex jumped. He hadn’t heard Clark’s voice so forceful since he was in Fairview. Clark gripped him by the shoulders and forced him to look into his eyes.
“Neither will Mercy. I know it’s hard. But I won’t let you. We won’t. So if you get it into your head, remember that I’m always going to be here.”
“Not if my father has anything to say about it, you won’t be.”
“He can go fuck himself merrily with a chainsaw.”
Lex looked into his eyes wistfully.
“You’ve done so much for me, Lex. I need to be here for you, too. I’m trying to be.”
“I know you are. You don’t know how much it helps, just to have you here. I feel…” The words caught in Lex’s throat for a moment. “More alive and real and here than I have in years.”
Clark’s large hand slipped down Lex’s angular shoulders and searched Lex’s eyes. “What happened? Why? Because of your legs, because you were alone? Oh, wasn’t that after you’d lost your job?”
“I’d lost my first job, then my job with Lionel, but all of the above… It was also after… Helen left me… and I found out about the HIV. I was dying anyway… and I was living in a horrible little place with my money running out and little assistance…” Lex shrugged again and watched Clark’s face with unsteady eyes.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t have stopped it. Your…”
“You couldn’t.” Lex felt the gulf between them and wished he could comfort the young man in some way. He put a hand on Clark’s leg, hoping that would signal something. That it would feel less like this was happening to someone else. Clark put his hand over Lex’s, and Lex thought that Clark might have understood. He almost felt himself sinking back into his own body.
“Your father could have. My mother could have. They could have done something! I don’t care who she thinks you are. I can’t believe they left you alone.” He tightened his grip. Lex looked at him blankly.
“I don’t know that they could…”
“Well, they didn’t help,” Clark snapped. Lex jumped a little at the sheer venom in his voice, and Clark looked back to him apologetically. “Sorry, but… they’re so damn selfish. You’re struggling yourself, and you still took me in. They couldn’t spare you a room in one of those mansions of theirs? They couldn’t make you feel like you were part of the damn family? They have everything, and they can’t bear to share a bit of it.”
Clark had improved so much over the last few weeks; he sounded so coherent and strong. Lex almost didn’t recognize the boy. Well… not so much of a boy anymore, was he? Lex squeezed his hand reassuringly.
“I promise to try.”
“Good.” Clark reached over and squeezed him in a bear hug. Lex laughed a little and hugged him back.
“I’m sorry I’m so crazy,” Lex muttered, feeling like the words were utterly ineffective for what Clark had to put up with living with him.
Clark let him go and chuckled. “Did you really just say that to a schizophrenic? You’re sorry you’re crazy? My crazy has done more damage here.”
“Okay then. You can win the crazy contest,” Lex returned, a bit uncertainly.
Clark pulled up his legs and rested his chin on them. “Do I get a trophy?”
“No. But I might bake you cake.”
Clark scrunched his eyes shut and smiled widely. “Crazycakes! Awesome!”
“You’re easy to please.” Lex looked at the papers surrounding them. “I’m sorry, I can’t cope with algebra any more tonight.”
“You going to bed?”
Lex frowned. “I’m tired, but I don’t really want to.”
Clark lifted him back into his chair. “Well, get in your pjs, and I’ll make some popcorn.”
“Good idea.” Lex settled himself and started to roll toward his bedroom.
“Hey, uh… Lex if I ever get… Dr. Yeh said I don’t seem to understand normal… boundaries? So if I do stuff you don’t like, you’ll tell me right?” Clark followed him to the door and looked down uncertainly.
“Well, you can’t watch me undress.”
Clark grinned and clenched his fist comically. “Dammit!”
“We’re okay. I’ll tell you when it’s too much.”
Clark nodded and bounced a little as he went to go make popcorn. Lex smiled slightly as he bit down on his thumbnail watching Clark bustle around, preparing the couch for a little sleepover. He was starting to worry that Clark’s lack of understanding regarding boundaries might not be the problem.
That night they dozed off together watching cartoons.
AN: Yep. Crazycakes. Awwww… Well, I had to be nice to them at least a little before I started torturing them again.