Fic: You Make Me Sick, Part Five
Sorry I'm so slooooow. I'll hope that I can get you another chapter before the end of the semester, but I have a lot of work that needs to be done three weeks ago, so I won't promise. Enjoy Clark's silliness. I do :D
If you couldn't tell, this fic is gonna be kinda long. :/
Guh. Long week. *flops*
Title: You Make Me Sick
Pairing: Clex
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Clark is finally out of the asylum, but his journey back to sanity isn’t over yet. An unlikely savior takes him in and gives him a chance to redeem himself.
Spoilers: Through S6 Labyrinth.
Warnings: Totally AU. Dark and possibly triggering for folks with depression. WIP
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
clark why didn’t you kiss him you could have you know you love him i died for this come on clark kiss him kiss him come on clark
“Quiet,” Clark muttered. He looked down on Lex, who had dozed off already and was snuggling next to Clark in his baby blue pajamas. He looked so adorable in his pjs. Like a well-loved doll that needed some sewing back together by skilled and caring hands.
don’t you lose him i didn’t die for nothing clark come on just a little one on the head let yourself love him save him clark he wants you to
“Dammit, Chloe, shut up.” He leaned over and pressed his dry lips to the soft, smooth flesh of Lex’s scalp. It was more tender than he’d thought it would be. He couldn’t resist running his fingers over it again and again. A precious fabric, so velvety smooth. Was all of his skin so soft?
hee hee hee hee
Clark leaned back and watched Lex breathe. He drooled a little when he slept. Clark smiled and closed his eyes and let Lex drool on his shirt.
When he opened his eyes, Lex was no longer lying on top of him. He could hear Lex bustling around in the kitchen. Clark got up and rubbed his eyes as he walked slowly over to Lex.
“My alien brain needs beer,” Clark said as he got a caffeine-free soda out of the fridge. They didn’t give him much of a kick in the morning, but at least they were cold and didn’t make him irritable and irrational.
Lex looked up from the onions he was dicing and bit his lower lip. “Is the spaceship talking to you again?”
“Huh? No. Oh, you haven’t read that comic Daize gave you yet? It’s really funny.”
“Um, I’ll take your word for it,” Lex said flatly with a bit of an upward curl to his lips.
“What are you making?”
“Keta soup. The potatoes are on their first bake in the oven. I can sauté the mushrooms later…”
Clark sipped his drink. “What’s Keta?”
“Salmon. It’s fish.”
“You’re cooking for Lucas.” Clark grinned widely. Lex concentrated on his onions, and Clark noticed that he was wearing gloves as he cut the vegetables.
“I hope he’s not a picky eater. Do you think he likes broccoli? We need a vegetable course. Call your mother and ask her what he likes. I’ll fix two veggies in case he doesn’t like it.”
Clark laughed as he went into the other room to fetch the phone. “Don’t be so nervous.”
“I’m trying not to get my hopes up. She might not show with him after all. You’ll have to eat all of this by yourself.”
“Lex,” Clark crooned coming back to give him a shoulder rub.
“Maybe I should have made ratatouille. He’s eaten my ratatouille before…” Lex fretted. Clark dropped a kiss on the crown of his head; Lex startled and almost cut himself. When Lex looked up with a shaky breath, Clark smiled.
“Stop freaking out! I’m calling her now, okay?”
Lex signed and set the onions aside to check on the water. “Could you get the salmon for me?”
“Yeah.” Clark nodded his head as he leaned over the food processor and pinned the phone against his shoulder. “Ma? Hey, Lex is cooking some kind of gourmet lunch for us. What kind of vegetables does Lucas like? He’s freaking out that the world is going to end if Lucas doesn’t like his cooking.”
Lex threw a spare onion at him.
“Uh… he’s making this creamy soup with salmon. And twice-baked potatoes with a bunch of stuff in them. Mushrooms and stuff… Yeah, he’s a little Suzy Homemaker.”
”I am not. I just want to be a good host. Tell her I could make broccoli with slivered almonds and stuffed tomatoes? Anything else and I’m going to go to the store.”
“Ma says make whatever you want. It’ll be okay if he doesn’t eat it. “
Lex turned from stirring the soup on the stove. “So they’re definitely coming? Tell her I’m wearing latex gloves.”
He waved his hands in the air for Clark to see.
“Yes, they’re coming.” Clark rolled his eyes. “Guess what Ma? You have Lex up before noon on a Saturday. You deserve a trophy. But I think you might have to settle for the best lunch ever. Damn, that smells good. What? …For fucks’ sake, Mom!”
“What?” Lex asked looking up at him. His water boiled over. “Oh, shit.”
“He’s wearing latex gloves. Lex is neurotic. I’m sure if he cut himself while cooking he would throw out all of the food in the kitchen and have it sterilized before I was allowed in it again. Fuck.” Clark rubbed his brow.
don’t let her don’t let her hurt him clark don’t let her-
“Mom, please, you have to get over this. You have to be rational about this. He’s part of the family, and you’re hurting us all by separating us. We finally have this chance to be a family again. Why do you want to ruin it?”
“Clark,” Lex pleaded. “Don’t piss her off.”
“I understand. See you then.” Clark turned off the phone. “She feels too guilty not to show up now. Re-laaax.” He shook Lex by the shoulder and crouched beside him, trying to make his eyes project ‘reassuring.’
Lex licked his lips. “This is more stress than should be legal for lunch. Go get dressed.”
“I need a shower.”
“Talking to your mom make you feel dirty?” Lex teased.
Clark stripped off his shirt. Lex’s brows shot up. Clark swung it around in the air, but Lex had quickly refocused his attention on his cooking. “Some of the things she says make me feel dirty. Don’t riff off of that one. I don’t want to joke about talking dirty with my mom.”
“Okay, I’ll shut up. Go clean yourself.” It must have been hot in the kitchen. Lex’s ears and that spot on the back of his head were turning red.
Clark leaned against the door. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Shower?”
”I mean to get ready.”
“Shower.”
Clark groaned and headed for his room. “You’re a smart ass. You know that, right?”
“Better than being a dumb ass, I guess.”
Clark shut his door and felt himself fill to the brim with warmth. He felt his face, expecting it to be on fire, but in fact, it was rather cool to the touch. Maybe his palms were hot. He stripped off the rest of his clothes.
After walking into the bathroom, he dropped his boxers on the floor and looked shyly down at his body. His fingertips slipped up and down the ridges of his muscular abdomen, and Lex’s deep, sultry voice resonated against the bathroom walls, “Are you going to keep all that all to yourself?”
“Lex!” Clark turned, and his cheeks bloomed pinkly in embarrassment. Hungry eyes raked over him with an intense, unfulfilled longing.
“How long do you expect me to wait?” He spoke like a man dying of thirst in the parched and lonesome desert.
“I… I was waiting on you, Lex…” Clark said breathlessly. He knelt down to Lex and pressed his full, rosy mouth against those quirking sarcastic lips and felt Lex’s twisty tongue fill his mouth exquisitely, slithering inside like a crafty snake. Their tongues battled in a fight neither cared to win. One of Lex’s strong hands reached around and firmly took one pert cheek, kneading like a pizza crust it as he continued to dominate Clark’s mouth. His other hand slipped down to Clark’s cock stroking gently at first, then rubbing a little harder. He pulled away and pressed his fingers against Clark’s smooth chest.
“Against the tub, Clark,” Lex ordered like a general going to war.
“I-“ Clark protested, holding his hands up in a weak attempt to protect his virginity from the virile man molesting him with his desirous, wanting gaze.
”Now,” he ordered, lust emanating from his cold blue eyes. Clark obeyed and leaned back against the tub a bit knock-kneed, presenting himself tentatively, almost shyly, for Lex.
The older man rolled closer, the energy-saver lights gleaming off of his bald head like a beacon of lust and made his skin glow like a well-oiled mitt. His dominating hands came forward, and gripping Clark’s thighs, he lowered himself onto the floor. He grasped Clark’s knees and flung his muscular thighs akimbo. Eyes of damask steel cut into Clark naughtily and caused him to grin in conspiracy, just before Lex resumed his gentle stroking, then placed his mouth over the tip of Clark’s virgin cock.
Lex rolled his tongue around the edge, stroking as he sucked and sucked and sucked, like a deviant child with a delicious lollipop. Clark arched his back when Lex took him in whole and moved up and down and tightened the back of his throat over the tip of Clark’s cock. Clark shuddered in orgasm and looked down at licentious, scorching eyes of heartbreaking blue for a moment of pure connection, then he shook himself and looked around the empty bathroom. Clark took his hand off his cock, wiped up the mess with a towel, and jumped into the shower, turning on the hot water. As it poured down on him, he leaned against the wall and muttered to himself:
“It was a fantasy. That was just a fantasy. It was just a fantasy.”
***
Clark’s heart tightened seeing his mother walk into the apartment and give it a sweeping glance. She stood firm, and straight, and fussed with her hair and her bag, and when Lucas ran in looking for his big brother, she stopped and grabbed his shoulder.
“Hold on, sweetie…” She caught Clark’s eye and gave him a large smile. “Oh, baby. How are you?”
Lex rolled in, and although Lucas was still wiggling in his mother’s grasp, a smile lit up on Lex’s face. Clark relaxed and smiled as well.
“Hey, Luc. You hungry? I cooked us some lunch.”
Luc nodded and tried to pry away his mother’s hand. “Mommy tried to get me to eat a sammich b’fore we left but I ‘member what you brought for Tankgivin’ and it was soooo good so I din’t eat the peanut butter.”
Lex’s lips tightened. “Well, good. ‘Cause I think you’ll like what I made for you.”
Martha arched a brow. “Where’s Mercy?”
“She was in the bathroom. Is that okay?” Mercy asked, giving her that look where she quickly raised both brows and bulged her eyes before returning to her normal sneer. It was the same ‘I want to smack you’ look that she would direct to Clark whenever he used to ramble on about Lex’s evildoings during their physical therapy sessions.
“Let’s get started then,” Martha said, in a tone that implied ‘Let’s get this over with.’
”Son, your Ma found these pictures in yer dresser.” His father held up the often-read but well cared for issue of Scientific Revolution then several newspaper clippings and photographs, all of Lex.
“I… um.”
“I uh… I dunno what to say, Clark.” Jonathan Kent rubbed his head and set the pictures down. He walked over to the fridge to pull out a beer.
“Say something, Jonathan!”
The man flipped off the top, rolled the tip of his tongue around in his mouth, then took a long sip. “You in love with this fella, Clark?”
“I…” yes, I do I love his smooth head and the way he swishes his hips when he swaggers I love his voice and I love hearing him talk about history philosophy politics art I love how he tells off his father I love how smart and devoted he is I love how he smiles “No, Pa. No, I’m not gay.” aliens aren’t gay aliens aren’t anything they’re just aliens so gender doesn’t matter at all I could have anything down there tentacles suction cups a carrot
His mother let out a breath and fanned herself. Jonathan sucked in one cheek then took another long sip. “Didn’t ask if you were gay, son. I asked if you loved this man.”
he's my destiny “I uh… I’m gonna be a reporter, Pa. I want to write stories, and he’s really interesting, y’know? I mean, he graduated from high school so quick and got all those degrees. He’s only twenty-one, did you know that? And they’re sayin’ he could win a Nobel Prize. I thought…” wished hoped prayed “I could talked to him, maybe. Get a story, ‘cause he doesn’t really do interviews.”
Martha smiled. “Oh, Jonathan. Our boy as a reporter! He could go work at The Daily Planet someday!”
“That would be pretty fine, Ma.” He sipped again, shortly. “Why don’t you run on to the market, Martha? Me and the boy will talk ‘bout his career plans.”
Martha gave her husband a chaste peck on the cheek and left to find her purse. Jonathan turned to his son and grabbed his shoulder.
“Whenever yer ready, son. I’m here t’listen, okay?”
“Dad, I’m not gay!” Clark protested. Jonathan drew in a deep breath.
“Jus’… that Luthor boy. Them Luthors are trouble. Y’hear me? I don’t care how much he acts like he cares ‘bout you-“
“We’ve only talked the once.”
“Look. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. The Luthors have sold out anyone who's ever trusted ‘em. They don't know what it means to keep their word. That man will use you up an’ throw you away, and that’s not what I want for my son.”
“Lex isn’t like that. You don’t even know him!” Clark protested.
“Do you know him? I don’t want y’around him, Clark. Find someone else. He’s trouble, he’s too old, and he’ll end up tearin’ you in half.”
“Lex won’t do that to me.” Tears filled Clark’s eyes. He snatched his pictures and ran out of the kitchen. He was superspeeding away.
“Clark?” Lex’s hand was taking his. He looked up at Clark with concern.
“Sorry. I was just remembering something,” he said softly so his mother wouldn’t hear.
“Is this too much for you? I don’t want you to get overwhelmed. We hardly ever have this many people here at once.”
“Shut up, Lex. You’ve been looking forward to this. I can handle it.” Clark walked into the kitchen where his mother was already seated with Lucas.
“Why don’t you sit next to Lucas, sweetie?” she asked.
“No, Lex has to sit in between me and Luc so we can pick on him,” Clark said. Lucas giggled.
“So I can make sure you two behave,” Lex asserted. Clark jumped over and got behind Lex, steering him over to the table. Lex looked over his shoulder in annoyance.
“I’ll serve. You did so much work already.” He walked over to the counter and brought over the soup.
“This… smell pretty good,” Martha said as Clark poured some of the soup into her bowl.
“It should be. He’s been working on it all morning,” Clark said proudly. He set the plates with the potatoes and vegetables on the table and came over to sit by Lex, who was already encouraging Lucas to try it.
“I like the t’matoes!” Lucas said, picking one up with his hands.
“Careful with the potatoes, though, Luc. They’re hot,” Lex warned.
Martha looked over at the two of them in disbelief. “I can’t believe you have him eating something besides peanut butter or macaroni.”
“Ish good,” Luc said with his mouth full. Lex handed him a napkin and smiled widely.
“I’m really glad.” He leaned on one hand and watched Lucas chew appreciatively.
“Now if we could just get Lex to eat, that would be something,” Mercy put in sarcastically.
“Why aren’t you eatin’, Lex?” Lucas asked. He rubbed his mouth with the napkin and grabbed the lip of the serving dish, pushing it towards his brother. “Eat!”
Lex held up his hands. “I will! I will!”
For Lucas’s benefit, Lex leaned over his bowl and blew on the soup. Lucas bounced a little, happily. Clark felt warm again, watching them together. Martha started to relax, and though she was quiet, she didn’t interrupt Lex and Lucas’s chatting. Though she did gape when Lucas started to eat the broccoli.
“I can’t believe it. You never eat broccoli at home!”
“It’s gushy at home. An’ it tastes grody. ” Lucas made a face. Martha shook her head dismissively. Clark supposed it didn’t do any good to argue with a three and a half year old.
After lunch Martha and Mercy cleared the plates, leaving the boys to themselves. With Martha peeking her head in on them every few minutes.
“What’s this?” Lucas asked. Clark sat in the floor with him.
“It’s my homework, I guess. I’m studying for the GED. That’s uh… a test that says I can go to college.”
“Oh, honey, I didn’t know you were doing that!” Martha exclaimed from the kitchen.
“It was Lex’s idea,” Clark told her.
“Oh?” She poked her head into the room.
Lex rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, it’s good for him to have some goals. Cleaning my apartment every day, while helpful to me, only keeps him so busy. We were just talking about finding him an activity that would benefit him. It seemed like a good starting point for whatever he decides to do.”
“I’m proud of you, honey. That’s great news.” She beamed and pulled Clark’s head up for a kiss on the cheek before returning to the kitchen. Lucas flipped through the pages, looking at the pictures.
“You havta know aaaall this stuff, Clark?”
“Yep.”
“Wow.”
“Lex is helping me with the math though. It’ll be okay, if I take it a little at a time.” He rubbed his thighs and tried not to think about the stress of actually going outside the apartment to take the test. He still hadn’t had to go out yet, and now he was really not looking forward to it. There were people out there. Maybe people who knew about his brain disorder. And they’d see him and Lex together and know what he did. And they’d talk about him. And they’d talk about Lex. “Hey, do you want to play a game or something?”
“Yes!” Lucas turned his attention from the book and looked at his brothers. “Wanna play, Lex?”
“Sure. Do you like Candyland, Luc?”
“I dunno.”
Clark got up and pulled the game out of the hall closet. Lex had picked it up earlier in the week. “This was one of my favorites when I was a kid. Probably cause I liked candy. They should have a Pieland game, though, ‘cause I like pie a lot more than candy.”
Lucas giggled and leaned forward on his palms while Clark set the game up. Lex maneuvered himself to get on the floor with them.
Lucas stared at his legs. “They hurts anymore?”
“Oh, not so much,” Lex said idly. Clark tried not to roll his eyes at the way Lex lied through his teeth to his little brother. “The doctors give me medicine for that. Martha? Do you two want to play?”
“Not really. But you boys go ahead and play a game. I’m going to go outside for a phone call,” Martha said, making a motion with her index and middle finger as though she were smoking.
“That’s a good sign,” Clark said under his breath, looking at Lex. Lex nodded. Mercy flopped on the couch with a book while she watched them play.
“Aw. I’m stuck in the Molasses Swamp!” Clark complained. “Figures.”
They’d finished their game by the time Martha returned looking refreshed, and Lucas was taking the little ‘gingerbread’ pawns and dancing them around the board, making up a story as they went along and giving them little voices for their adventures. Lex beamed at him and took one of the pawns to play with him.
“Are you ready to go, baby?” Martha asked.
“No, I wanna stay here,” Lucas whined.
Martha sighed. “It’s almost naptime. You’re going to take up all of Lex and Clark’s day.”
“I don’t mind, Martha. We could find a place for him to take a nap,” Lex said. She smiled tightly.
“Well, I do need to get going. I have a meeting with someone who absolutely demanded to be seen today, so I told her I’d meet her around six. If I leave him here, I wouldn’t be able to get back until eleven, which would throw him off-schedule, and he’s never spent the night anywhere but home.”
“No, no, I understand. Luc! Gimme a hug!” Lex opened his arms wide, and Luc flung himself into them. “You be good and go with your mommy, okay? Then maybe she’ll let you come back and see us.”
“Yes!” Lucas jumped in place. Martha took his hand.
“Thanks again for the lovely lunch, Lex. That was just fabulous.”
“Thank you. The cooking channel will do you wonders when you’re a confirmed bachelor.”
She smiled, genuinely, gave Clark a hug and kiss, then left the apartment. Lex thinned his lips and started putting the pieces of the game away. Quietly, he said, “This is the best day I’ve had in a long time, guys. I can’t thank you two enough.”
“No problem, Lex. It’s good to see your family actually acting like one for once,” Mercy said, flipping some dark hair out of her eyes. “Besides, you really are a fucken good cook.”
Lex bowed his head bashfully. “Now, are you okay, Clark?”
“It was a little weird there, at first. But… seeing Mom actually try helped make it not so stressful,” Clark admitted. He folded up the board and returned it to the closet. “Besides, you’re freaken adorable with Luc. You really are. I just keep worrying that she’s going to screw things up for us. Like she wants to take me away, or she’ll keep Lucas from you or do something to make you sick.”
“Don’t worry so much.” Lex took Clark’s hand when he walked back over, and Clark sat down next to him and looked on tenderly. Lex bore the gaze for a moment then averted his eyes. “But, really, thank you for giving me this day.”
“There’ll be lots of other good days,” Clark insisted.
Lex crooked a wry smile and squeezed Clark’s hand gratefully. “I don’t know that there will. But not knowing means I appreciate the ones I have much more.”
Clark pulled Lex into a quick hug then let him go before he could get uncomfortable.
***
Lex sat in the large comfortable, red chair. His skinny legs crossed at the knee and his face tilted backward as he read. The noise of rowdy high schoolers didn’t seem to penetrate his solitude.
Clark sat down in the chair next to his and watched him read. He felt so warm and excited that fire might start shooting out of his eyes. He sipped his coffee tentatively and tried not to stare at Lex so obviously.
“Here’s your drink!” The waitress said cheerfully. Lex looked up, and Clark suddenly wished that invisibility were one of his superpowers. Lex set aside his book to take the large, iced drink with whipped cream and sprinkles.
“That’s not what he ordered,” Clark blurted out. He almost bolted when Lex looked at him.
“Uh... didn’t even notice you there! Sorry. Off in my own world. He’s right though; this isn’t what I ordered. Someone else gets the froofy drink.”
“Oh.” She pouted and looked at the ticket. “Then what did you order?
“Skinny double cap no foam.”
“Oh.” She looked around and seemed put out. Lex ran his hands over his cheeks. “Hold on, I’ll get the manager.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s just a drink order. Look, if that doesn’t get claimed, I’ll take the… whatever that is.”
She set it down on the table in front of him and walked off. He waited for her to come back, but she had moved on to other tables and didn’t seem like she was checking on anything. Lex thinned his lips and took a sip as hesitantly as if he were testing a poisoned cocktail.
“That’s not even close to what you ordered,” Clark remarked.
“I guess a little whipped cream won’t ruin my figure,” Lex replied dryly.
“I think the whole can of whipped cream wouldn’t ruin your figure.”
“Maybe not. Want to try it?”
Clark’s heart leapt and danced. Drinking from the same glass! It was almost like kissing him! He took the glass… it was more like a beer stein, actually, and sipped from the straw. It was really sweet. Like drinking chilled cocoa. He set the glass back down and nodded. Lex was grinning at him, holding back a laugh. The expression was too cute, and Clark started smiling, too.
Lex rubbed his index finger over his top lip. Clark raised his brows in confusion. “Um?”
“Wait… here.” He pulled a napkin off the table and wiped off Clark’s upper lip. “You looked like you just got done with a bl- um. Never mind.”
Clark could feel himself turning red. Lex covered his mouth but continued to smirk.
Lex is laughing at that kid. Dumb faggots.
“Oh, hey, I’m sorry. Don’t be upset.” Lex leaned forward. “It was just a little cream.”
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah?” Lex nodded and picked back up his book.
“I’m Clark.”
“Uh… Clark. Yeah, I’m Lex.”
Clark nodded. He looked down at his hands. Lex seemed unsure of what to do or say.
“Yeah.”
Lex looked around. “Do you go to school around here? At A&M?”
“Uh… Smallville High.”
“Really? Wow, you’re a lot bigger than I was in high school.”
“I know. Um… I mean, I’m really tall.”
Lex nodded and smoothed a hand over his head. Clark wondered again what happened to him. Did he shave it? It looked so clean and exotic that way. Maybe it was radiation. From cancer? Or something else?
“I went to Excelsior. The private school, but I skipped a couple of grades.”
“Yeah.” Clark knew this. It wasn’t hard to get on the internet at school and find articles about the only son of the local celebrity family. “Sorry… I’m nervous.”
“I don’t mean to make you nervous, Clark. I can sit somewhere else.”
“No, don’t. I just… I read the article about you in Scientific Revolution.”
Lex gave a lopsided smile that was almost a grimace. “Yeah? Well, um. So you’re into science?”
“Not… really. Astronomy some.” Clark wanted to impale himself with something. He was finally getting to talk to Lex Luthor, and he was blowing it.
“Not my specialty, I’m afraid. If you want to talk physics or biochemistry, I’m your man. I’ve been working with Arthur at the plant about redesigning their process for a cleaner more eco-friendly output.”
“My dad would really like that. He hates the plant and only grows organic vegetables.”
“Smart guy. Must be hard to be competitive that way, though. Do you primarily farm?”
“We have cows and horses, too. And some chickens, but Mom has a hard time killing them. She was originally from Metropolis. We have a rooster that tries to lay eggs with the other hens.”
Lex laughed.
“Yeah heh heh, and she… Dad wants to get rid of him, but Mom says he needs to be free to be himself. And Dad just glares at her and says if he wants to be one of the girls, he still needs to do his job and crow. They’re weird sometimes.”
“Parents can be.” Lex waited for a few minutes. “Well, I have to get out of here. See you around, Clark.”
“Um…” Clark stood and blinked a few times. Lex paused, holding the book under his arm. He’d abandoned the froofy drink. “Do… do you come to Smallville a lot? And The Beanery?”
“Yeah, sometimes when I’m working with the plant. I mostly stay in Metropolis, though.”
“Then I’ll see you around, maybe?”
Lex rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, I’ll be around. If you see me, say hi. Good luck with school.”
Clark’s eyes fixed resolutely on Lex’s backside as he swished and swaggered out of the coffee house.
He couldn’t wait to get away from you.
”That isn’t true… we were laughing over the drink together,” Clark muttered. He picked it up and sipped from it again, thinking some of Lex’s essence must be left in the glass.
Follow him.
Clark got up and walked over to the window. Lex flipped over the side of a Porsche and pulled on a pair of black driving gloves with gusto.
“Mia bella!” He licked his lips as he put his keys in the engine. Lex really seemed to like that car.
He pulled out of the parking lot at breakneck speed.
I need you to protect me, Clark.
Lex’s haunted whisper caused a shiver to rip down his spine.
Please save me.
“I’ll do the best I can, Lex.”
“Lex isn’t a preoccupation. Can’t you be devoted to someone without being crazy?” Clark asked fretfully.
Dr. Yeh sat in a chair by his bed and took a drink from her large mug. “I think that it is possible. You’re telling me that you still love him. That’s good that you admit it now. A driving force in your illusions centered around stalking and controlling his actions in your fantasies. Your obsession with him made it very difficult for you to understand your mental illness. Until very recently, you refused to… well, could not believe that you were schizophrenic.”
”I know that.” Clark walked around his room, back and forth, fidgeting his hands around with nervous energy. “But can’t I love him too? I mean, just because I fixated on him when I was in the acute stage… couldn’t I have loved him before my psychotic break? Couldn’t that be real?”
“I’ll never tell you that your feelings aren’t real, Clark. I’m sure they feel very real to you, and frankly, what do we have to go on with love other than the feeling that we have it?” She tilted her head to the side. “You’ve improved a lot since you’ve been with him. I think this is what your former psychologist hoped for when he paired you with Lex directly after the accident. Dr. Hudson believed your obsession would help you want to be more in touch with reality, where you could be with him.”
“You don’t think I really love him. You think… I’m angry… and confused, don’t you? That this is all part of ‘preoccupation’?”
“I think that you were unable to come to terms with your schizophrenia until the right elements came together: the appropriate medication, proper therapy, and a supportive environment. That last one is Lex himself. He’s supporting you more than anyone else has, and this has been a consistent factor in your development.”
Clark sighed irritably. Sometimes it was exhausting having to think out all of his actions and beliefs.
“I also think that you need to separate your obsession with him from your love, which only you can say that you have. The obsession… well, Clark. He can see it; I’m sure he can. The best course of action in a situation like this would normally be to separate the two of you-“
“NO!”
“-But seeing as how that didn’t work very well for either of you and you are improving in his care…”
Clark plopped down on the bed. “How can I separate obsession from love?”
Dr. Yeh set down her mug. “I’m starting to feel like a couple’s counselor. The problem here is dependence and fear. We can’t help the former. You legally cannot live on your own right now. That puts Lex in a position of power over you, and you are dependant on his wanting to keep you around.”
“Lex would… he would never leave me,” Clark said running his hands through his hair. “Would… he?”
“What do you think?”
“No, he wouldn’t. He’s trying to protect me from his father and my mother, and it scares him too that they might separate us. The only way he might leave is if… he thinks his issues are bad for me or if…”
She placed the tip of her pen in between her teeth.
“If he kills himself. God, oh, God, how do I keep him from doing that?” he begged her, hearing his own voice rise unsteadily in pitch.
“Have you talked about this with him?”
“Yeah. A little.”
She looked surprised and a little impressed. “Have you? What brought that up?”
“I asked him why he did it before, and if he was going to try again.” Clark stretched his shoulders and rolled his head around. He was starting to get a headache. “He said he wouldn’t because he had to protect me.”
“You feel as though you are the only thing preventing Lex from taking his life.”
“He says his sessions with you lately suck,” Clark said bluntly. She lifted one thin brow very high. “I know he’s perking up a little because I got my mom to start letting Lex see his brother. He smiles so big when Luc’s over. Y’know, he just loves his brother.”
”Lex has really been needing support as well,” she commented. “But it isn’t your fault that other people don’t give it to him. And it won’t be your fault if he makes another attempt.”
“He said he still thinks about it.”
”He hasn’t told me that. I suspected, though. He lies about how he’s feeling, but he tells me his dreams.” She set aside her notepad and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “But the things that you’ve been telling me, Clark. Connections to other people, you and Lucas, these are the little things that are going to help Lex to get better. Detachment lets him leave this world more easily. Be proud of what you’ve given him so far. You’re both working very hard to save each other, and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t separated you, in spite of the obvious obsession. You give each other hope. It’s hard to dig yourself out when they’re no bright light at the end of the tunnel.”
“I’m a bright light, huh?”
“Just don’t burden yourself with this. This belief that you are personally responsible for Lex’s mental health might be common with individuals living with loved ones who have a mental illness, but it is no less a delusion than believing you can fly. He has to put in effort as well. I’m here to help, as is Mercy, and I do speak with her as well regarding you both. Unfortunately, I include your family as a part of the list of stressors on the both of you instead of part of your support network. Perhaps when you start going out again, you can develop a stronger network.”
“I’ve met some people online. They seem nice.” Clark considered his responsibility for Lex being a delusion. Well, someone had to be responsible for him, didn’t they? Lex felt the same way about Clark. He’d said so.
She ran a finger across her lip, then picked up the pad and wrote something down. “I’ll send you a list of a few online support groups for individuals with schizophrenia. Maybe you can share some experiences with them. It’s different for everyone, but I think it helps to know you aren’t alone. Also, online interaction… it’s really a lot less stressful for you.”
Clark nodded.
“Please realize, and I’ve told you this before, you are a very motivated patient. It may appear that things are moving slowly, but you really are progressing very well.” She began scribbling on her pad once again. “Talk to me about Lex. How you feel. You may not be able to fully disclose your desires right now, when he still associates your mental illness with your feelings for him, but you don’t have to keep them inside.”
***
“I wish it were real,” Clark said, out of the blue. He was sitting at the laptop, poking around at the sites Yeh had given to him. Lex was on the couch reading something philosophic or scientific that Clark didn’t even understand the title to. Nerd. Brilliant, beautiful nerd.
“What?”
“I wish my fantasy world were real. I mean, I know that it’s not, and sometimes there were so many. Dr. Hudson made it seem like they were a coherent storyline, but they weren’t. There were stories that happened in a different timeline, and ones that didn’t make sense at all even within their own structure.” Clark clicked into a forum. “I think I was crazy in my fantasy world, too.”
Lex poked his head over the top of the couch. “So you want to be crazy in your fantasy world?”
“No, sorry, my thoughts got bungled there. I was thinking, at least in my fantasy world, you have a better chance of happiness.”
”It sure as hell never sounded like I did. Doesn’t everyone hate me there? Even my girlfriend and parents? And you?”
Clark turned around. “I never hated you. I just got really frustrated. But I’m just a stubborn, obsessed nutball there.”
“So, pretty much the same? Only you have powers and I have lasers?”
Clark grinned. “Yeah. Maybe I don’t wish it were real. Some of my stories though… they were different. Things were different, and I told you the truth about my powers, and we stayed together and saved the world.”
“Sounds like those ones were nicer.”
“They were harder to come by after Dr. Hudson switched my meds.”
Lex nodded.
“Sorry, I’m rambling.”
“Ramble away. Heidegger can wait if you want to talk.” Lex scooted himself up more and narrowed his eyes in concentration. “Are you stressed?”
“You keep asking that,” Clark sighed.
“Well, stress can stultify the efforts to cope with mental illness. Is it the GED? We can stop. Or slow down. Don’t feel like you have to do it just because I suggested it. I’ll still be proud of you,” Lex assured him.
“No, it isn’t that. I can handle a little math.” Clark walked over to him and leaned on the back of the couch. Lex placed a light hand on the side of his face.
“Whatever it is, I’ll make it stop,” Lex asserted firmly.
“You have superpowers now?” Clark teased lightly. Lex’s eyes darted downward. He started to draw back his hand, but Clark took it in his own and gave it a light kiss. “I love you. A lot. And I worry about you hurting yourself.”
“I know. I don’t want my problems to affect you adversely. I’m really trying,” Lex promised emphatically.
“Good. You seem better than you did.” Clark looked into Lex’s eyes, searching for the wounds still inside that overburdened head of his. “It’s in your eyes, when you’re hurting that much.”
“I’ve had a really fucking good week. Well, a really fucking good couple of days here and there. Even that hasn’t happened…”
“Since the accident,” Clark finished awkwardly. Lex twitched his lips bitterly.
“Since before. Since… a long time. A really long time.”
“Then we just need to have more really good days. And more really good weeks.”
“Heh. Maybe then I’ll start to trust that feeling again.”
“I want you to.” Clark moved forward and pressed his forehead against Lex’s. The older man started to chuckle. Clark started to laugh, too.
Silly, unreasonable, irrational, illogical, laughter.
Life sucks laughter.
It felt good to not have to be rational for a moment.
If you couldn't tell, this fic is gonna be kinda long. :/
Guh. Long week. *flops*
Title: You Make Me Sick
Pairing: Clex
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Clark is finally out of the asylum, but his journey back to sanity isn’t over yet. An unlikely savior takes him in and gives him a chance to redeem himself.
Spoilers: Through S6 Labyrinth.
Warnings: Totally AU. Dark and possibly triggering for folks with depression. WIP
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
clark why didn’t you kiss him you could have you know you love him i died for this come on clark kiss him kiss him come on clark
“Quiet,” Clark muttered. He looked down on Lex, who had dozed off already and was snuggling next to Clark in his baby blue pajamas. He looked so adorable in his pjs. Like a well-loved doll that needed some sewing back together by skilled and caring hands.
don’t you lose him i didn’t die for nothing clark come on just a little one on the head let yourself love him save him clark he wants you to
“Dammit, Chloe, shut up.” He leaned over and pressed his dry lips to the soft, smooth flesh of Lex’s scalp. It was more tender than he’d thought it would be. He couldn’t resist running his fingers over it again and again. A precious fabric, so velvety smooth. Was all of his skin so soft?
hee hee hee hee
Clark leaned back and watched Lex breathe. He drooled a little when he slept. Clark smiled and closed his eyes and let Lex drool on his shirt.
When he opened his eyes, Lex was no longer lying on top of him. He could hear Lex bustling around in the kitchen. Clark got up and rubbed his eyes as he walked slowly over to Lex.
“My alien brain needs beer,” Clark said as he got a caffeine-free soda out of the fridge. They didn’t give him much of a kick in the morning, but at least they were cold and didn’t make him irritable and irrational.
Lex looked up from the onions he was dicing and bit his lower lip. “Is the spaceship talking to you again?”
“Huh? No. Oh, you haven’t read that comic Daize gave you yet? It’s really funny.”
“Um, I’ll take your word for it,” Lex said flatly with a bit of an upward curl to his lips.
“What are you making?”
“Keta soup. The potatoes are on their first bake in the oven. I can sauté the mushrooms later…”
Clark sipped his drink. “What’s Keta?”
“Salmon. It’s fish.”
“You’re cooking for Lucas.” Clark grinned widely. Lex concentrated on his onions, and Clark noticed that he was wearing gloves as he cut the vegetables.
“I hope he’s not a picky eater. Do you think he likes broccoli? We need a vegetable course. Call your mother and ask her what he likes. I’ll fix two veggies in case he doesn’t like it.”
Clark laughed as he went into the other room to fetch the phone. “Don’t be so nervous.”
“I’m trying not to get my hopes up. She might not show with him after all. You’ll have to eat all of this by yourself.”
“Lex,” Clark crooned coming back to give him a shoulder rub.
“Maybe I should have made ratatouille. He’s eaten my ratatouille before…” Lex fretted. Clark dropped a kiss on the crown of his head; Lex startled and almost cut himself. When Lex looked up with a shaky breath, Clark smiled.
“Stop freaking out! I’m calling her now, okay?”
Lex signed and set the onions aside to check on the water. “Could you get the salmon for me?”
“Yeah.” Clark nodded his head as he leaned over the food processor and pinned the phone against his shoulder. “Ma? Hey, Lex is cooking some kind of gourmet lunch for us. What kind of vegetables does Lucas like? He’s freaking out that the world is going to end if Lucas doesn’t like his cooking.”
Lex threw a spare onion at him.
“Uh… he’s making this creamy soup with salmon. And twice-baked potatoes with a bunch of stuff in them. Mushrooms and stuff… Yeah, he’s a little Suzy Homemaker.”
”I am not. I just want to be a good host. Tell her I could make broccoli with slivered almonds and stuffed tomatoes? Anything else and I’m going to go to the store.”
“Ma says make whatever you want. It’ll be okay if he doesn’t eat it. “
Lex turned from stirring the soup on the stove. “So they’re definitely coming? Tell her I’m wearing latex gloves.”
He waved his hands in the air for Clark to see.
“Yes, they’re coming.” Clark rolled his eyes. “Guess what Ma? You have Lex up before noon on a Saturday. You deserve a trophy. But I think you might have to settle for the best lunch ever. Damn, that smells good. What? …For fucks’ sake, Mom!”
“What?” Lex asked looking up at him. His water boiled over. “Oh, shit.”
“He’s wearing latex gloves. Lex is neurotic. I’m sure if he cut himself while cooking he would throw out all of the food in the kitchen and have it sterilized before I was allowed in it again. Fuck.” Clark rubbed his brow.
don’t let her don’t let her hurt him clark don’t let her-
“Mom, please, you have to get over this. You have to be rational about this. He’s part of the family, and you’re hurting us all by separating us. We finally have this chance to be a family again. Why do you want to ruin it?”
“Clark,” Lex pleaded. “Don’t piss her off.”
“I understand. See you then.” Clark turned off the phone. “She feels too guilty not to show up now. Re-laaax.” He shook Lex by the shoulder and crouched beside him, trying to make his eyes project ‘reassuring.’
Lex licked his lips. “This is more stress than should be legal for lunch. Go get dressed.”
“I need a shower.”
“Talking to your mom make you feel dirty?” Lex teased.
Clark stripped off his shirt. Lex’s brows shot up. Clark swung it around in the air, but Lex had quickly refocused his attention on his cooking. “Some of the things she says make me feel dirty. Don’t riff off of that one. I don’t want to joke about talking dirty with my mom.”
“Okay, I’ll shut up. Go clean yourself.” It must have been hot in the kitchen. Lex’s ears and that spot on the back of his head were turning red.
Clark leaned against the door. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Shower?”
”I mean to get ready.”
“Shower.”
Clark groaned and headed for his room. “You’re a smart ass. You know that, right?”
“Better than being a dumb ass, I guess.”
Clark shut his door and felt himself fill to the brim with warmth. He felt his face, expecting it to be on fire, but in fact, it was rather cool to the touch. Maybe his palms were hot. He stripped off the rest of his clothes.
After walking into the bathroom, he dropped his boxers on the floor and looked shyly down at his body. His fingertips slipped up and down the ridges of his muscular abdomen, and Lex’s deep, sultry voice resonated against the bathroom walls, “Are you going to keep all that all to yourself?”
“Lex!” Clark turned, and his cheeks bloomed pinkly in embarrassment. Hungry eyes raked over him with an intense, unfulfilled longing.
“How long do you expect me to wait?” He spoke like a man dying of thirst in the parched and lonesome desert.
“I… I was waiting on you, Lex…” Clark said breathlessly. He knelt down to Lex and pressed his full, rosy mouth against those quirking sarcastic lips and felt Lex’s twisty tongue fill his mouth exquisitely, slithering inside like a crafty snake. Their tongues battled in a fight neither cared to win. One of Lex’s strong hands reached around and firmly took one pert cheek, kneading like a pizza crust it as he continued to dominate Clark’s mouth. His other hand slipped down to Clark’s cock stroking gently at first, then rubbing a little harder. He pulled away and pressed his fingers against Clark’s smooth chest.
“Against the tub, Clark,” Lex ordered like a general going to war.
“I-“ Clark protested, holding his hands up in a weak attempt to protect his virginity from the virile man molesting him with his desirous, wanting gaze.
”Now,” he ordered, lust emanating from his cold blue eyes. Clark obeyed and leaned back against the tub a bit knock-kneed, presenting himself tentatively, almost shyly, for Lex.
The older man rolled closer, the energy-saver lights gleaming off of his bald head like a beacon of lust and made his skin glow like a well-oiled mitt. His dominating hands came forward, and gripping Clark’s thighs, he lowered himself onto the floor. He grasped Clark’s knees and flung his muscular thighs akimbo. Eyes of damask steel cut into Clark naughtily and caused him to grin in conspiracy, just before Lex resumed his gentle stroking, then placed his mouth over the tip of Clark’s virgin cock.
Lex rolled his tongue around the edge, stroking as he sucked and sucked and sucked, like a deviant child with a delicious lollipop. Clark arched his back when Lex took him in whole and moved up and down and tightened the back of his throat over the tip of Clark’s cock. Clark shuddered in orgasm and looked down at licentious, scorching eyes of heartbreaking blue for a moment of pure connection, then he shook himself and looked around the empty bathroom. Clark took his hand off his cock, wiped up the mess with a towel, and jumped into the shower, turning on the hot water. As it poured down on him, he leaned against the wall and muttered to himself:
“It was a fantasy. That was just a fantasy. It was just a fantasy.”
***
Clark’s heart tightened seeing his mother walk into the apartment and give it a sweeping glance. She stood firm, and straight, and fussed with her hair and her bag, and when Lucas ran in looking for his big brother, she stopped and grabbed his shoulder.
“Hold on, sweetie…” She caught Clark’s eye and gave him a large smile. “Oh, baby. How are you?”
Lex rolled in, and although Lucas was still wiggling in his mother’s grasp, a smile lit up on Lex’s face. Clark relaxed and smiled as well.
“Hey, Luc. You hungry? I cooked us some lunch.”
Luc nodded and tried to pry away his mother’s hand. “Mommy tried to get me to eat a sammich b’fore we left but I ‘member what you brought for Tankgivin’ and it was soooo good so I din’t eat the peanut butter.”
Lex’s lips tightened. “Well, good. ‘Cause I think you’ll like what I made for you.”
Martha arched a brow. “Where’s Mercy?”
“She was in the bathroom. Is that okay?” Mercy asked, giving her that look where she quickly raised both brows and bulged her eyes before returning to her normal sneer. It was the same ‘I want to smack you’ look that she would direct to Clark whenever he used to ramble on about Lex’s evildoings during their physical therapy sessions.
“Let’s get started then,” Martha said, in a tone that implied ‘Let’s get this over with.’
”Son, your Ma found these pictures in yer dresser.” His father held up the often-read but well cared for issue of Scientific Revolution then several newspaper clippings and photographs, all of Lex.
“I… um.”
“I uh… I dunno what to say, Clark.” Jonathan Kent rubbed his head and set the pictures down. He walked over to the fridge to pull out a beer.
“Say something, Jonathan!”
The man flipped off the top, rolled the tip of his tongue around in his mouth, then took a long sip. “You in love with this fella, Clark?”
“I…” yes, I do I love his smooth head and the way he swishes his hips when he swaggers I love his voice and I love hearing him talk about history philosophy politics art I love how he tells off his father I love how smart and devoted he is I love how he smiles “No, Pa. No, I’m not gay.” aliens aren’t gay aliens aren’t anything they’re just aliens so gender doesn’t matter at all I could have anything down there tentacles suction cups a carrot
His mother let out a breath and fanned herself. Jonathan sucked in one cheek then took another long sip. “Didn’t ask if you were gay, son. I asked if you loved this man.”
he's my destiny “I uh… I’m gonna be a reporter, Pa. I want to write stories, and he’s really interesting, y’know? I mean, he graduated from high school so quick and got all those degrees. He’s only twenty-one, did you know that? And they’re sayin’ he could win a Nobel Prize. I thought…” wished hoped prayed “I could talked to him, maybe. Get a story, ‘cause he doesn’t really do interviews.”
Martha smiled. “Oh, Jonathan. Our boy as a reporter! He could go work at The Daily Planet someday!”
“That would be pretty fine, Ma.” He sipped again, shortly. “Why don’t you run on to the market, Martha? Me and the boy will talk ‘bout his career plans.”
Martha gave her husband a chaste peck on the cheek and left to find her purse. Jonathan turned to his son and grabbed his shoulder.
“Whenever yer ready, son. I’m here t’listen, okay?”
“Dad, I’m not gay!” Clark protested. Jonathan drew in a deep breath.
“Jus’… that Luthor boy. Them Luthors are trouble. Y’hear me? I don’t care how much he acts like he cares ‘bout you-“
“We’ve only talked the once.”
“Look. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. The Luthors have sold out anyone who's ever trusted ‘em. They don't know what it means to keep their word. That man will use you up an’ throw you away, and that’s not what I want for my son.”
“Lex isn’t like that. You don’t even know him!” Clark protested.
“Do you know him? I don’t want y’around him, Clark. Find someone else. He’s trouble, he’s too old, and he’ll end up tearin’ you in half.”
“Lex won’t do that to me.” Tears filled Clark’s eyes. He snatched his pictures and ran out of the kitchen. He was superspeeding away.
“Clark?” Lex’s hand was taking his. He looked up at Clark with concern.
“Sorry. I was just remembering something,” he said softly so his mother wouldn’t hear.
“Is this too much for you? I don’t want you to get overwhelmed. We hardly ever have this many people here at once.”
“Shut up, Lex. You’ve been looking forward to this. I can handle it.” Clark walked into the kitchen where his mother was already seated with Lucas.
“Why don’t you sit next to Lucas, sweetie?” she asked.
“No, Lex has to sit in between me and Luc so we can pick on him,” Clark said. Lucas giggled.
“So I can make sure you two behave,” Lex asserted. Clark jumped over and got behind Lex, steering him over to the table. Lex looked over his shoulder in annoyance.
“I’ll serve. You did so much work already.” He walked over to the counter and brought over the soup.
“This… smell pretty good,” Martha said as Clark poured some of the soup into her bowl.
“It should be. He’s been working on it all morning,” Clark said proudly. He set the plates with the potatoes and vegetables on the table and came over to sit by Lex, who was already encouraging Lucas to try it.
“I like the t’matoes!” Lucas said, picking one up with his hands.
“Careful with the potatoes, though, Luc. They’re hot,” Lex warned.
Martha looked over at the two of them in disbelief. “I can’t believe you have him eating something besides peanut butter or macaroni.”
“Ish good,” Luc said with his mouth full. Lex handed him a napkin and smiled widely.
“I’m really glad.” He leaned on one hand and watched Lucas chew appreciatively.
“Now if we could just get Lex to eat, that would be something,” Mercy put in sarcastically.
“Why aren’t you eatin’, Lex?” Lucas asked. He rubbed his mouth with the napkin and grabbed the lip of the serving dish, pushing it towards his brother. “Eat!”
Lex held up his hands. “I will! I will!”
For Lucas’s benefit, Lex leaned over his bowl and blew on the soup. Lucas bounced a little, happily. Clark felt warm again, watching them together. Martha started to relax, and though she was quiet, she didn’t interrupt Lex and Lucas’s chatting. Though she did gape when Lucas started to eat the broccoli.
“I can’t believe it. You never eat broccoli at home!”
“It’s gushy at home. An’ it tastes grody. ” Lucas made a face. Martha shook her head dismissively. Clark supposed it didn’t do any good to argue with a three and a half year old.
After lunch Martha and Mercy cleared the plates, leaving the boys to themselves. With Martha peeking her head in on them every few minutes.
“What’s this?” Lucas asked. Clark sat in the floor with him.
“It’s my homework, I guess. I’m studying for the GED. That’s uh… a test that says I can go to college.”
“Oh, honey, I didn’t know you were doing that!” Martha exclaimed from the kitchen.
“It was Lex’s idea,” Clark told her.
“Oh?” She poked her head into the room.
Lex rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, it’s good for him to have some goals. Cleaning my apartment every day, while helpful to me, only keeps him so busy. We were just talking about finding him an activity that would benefit him. It seemed like a good starting point for whatever he decides to do.”
“I’m proud of you, honey. That’s great news.” She beamed and pulled Clark’s head up for a kiss on the cheek before returning to the kitchen. Lucas flipped through the pages, looking at the pictures.
“You havta know aaaall this stuff, Clark?”
“Yep.”
“Wow.”
“Lex is helping me with the math though. It’ll be okay, if I take it a little at a time.” He rubbed his thighs and tried not to think about the stress of actually going outside the apartment to take the test. He still hadn’t had to go out yet, and now he was really not looking forward to it. There were people out there. Maybe people who knew about his brain disorder. And they’d see him and Lex together and know what he did. And they’d talk about him. And they’d talk about Lex. “Hey, do you want to play a game or something?”
“Yes!” Lucas turned his attention from the book and looked at his brothers. “Wanna play, Lex?”
“Sure. Do you like Candyland, Luc?”
“I dunno.”
Clark got up and pulled the game out of the hall closet. Lex had picked it up earlier in the week. “This was one of my favorites when I was a kid. Probably cause I liked candy. They should have a Pieland game, though, ‘cause I like pie a lot more than candy.”
Lucas giggled and leaned forward on his palms while Clark set the game up. Lex maneuvered himself to get on the floor with them.
Lucas stared at his legs. “They hurts anymore?”
“Oh, not so much,” Lex said idly. Clark tried not to roll his eyes at the way Lex lied through his teeth to his little brother. “The doctors give me medicine for that. Martha? Do you two want to play?”
“Not really. But you boys go ahead and play a game. I’m going to go outside for a phone call,” Martha said, making a motion with her index and middle finger as though she were smoking.
“That’s a good sign,” Clark said under his breath, looking at Lex. Lex nodded. Mercy flopped on the couch with a book while she watched them play.
“Aw. I’m stuck in the Molasses Swamp!” Clark complained. “Figures.”
They’d finished their game by the time Martha returned looking refreshed, and Lucas was taking the little ‘gingerbread’ pawns and dancing them around the board, making up a story as they went along and giving them little voices for their adventures. Lex beamed at him and took one of the pawns to play with him.
“Are you ready to go, baby?” Martha asked.
“No, I wanna stay here,” Lucas whined.
Martha sighed. “It’s almost naptime. You’re going to take up all of Lex and Clark’s day.”
“I don’t mind, Martha. We could find a place for him to take a nap,” Lex said. She smiled tightly.
“Well, I do need to get going. I have a meeting with someone who absolutely demanded to be seen today, so I told her I’d meet her around six. If I leave him here, I wouldn’t be able to get back until eleven, which would throw him off-schedule, and he’s never spent the night anywhere but home.”
“No, no, I understand. Luc! Gimme a hug!” Lex opened his arms wide, and Luc flung himself into them. “You be good and go with your mommy, okay? Then maybe she’ll let you come back and see us.”
“Yes!” Lucas jumped in place. Martha took his hand.
“Thanks again for the lovely lunch, Lex. That was just fabulous.”
“Thank you. The cooking channel will do you wonders when you’re a confirmed bachelor.”
She smiled, genuinely, gave Clark a hug and kiss, then left the apartment. Lex thinned his lips and started putting the pieces of the game away. Quietly, he said, “This is the best day I’ve had in a long time, guys. I can’t thank you two enough.”
“No problem, Lex. It’s good to see your family actually acting like one for once,” Mercy said, flipping some dark hair out of her eyes. “Besides, you really are a fucken good cook.”
Lex bowed his head bashfully. “Now, are you okay, Clark?”
“It was a little weird there, at first. But… seeing Mom actually try helped make it not so stressful,” Clark admitted. He folded up the board and returned it to the closet. “Besides, you’re freaken adorable with Luc. You really are. I just keep worrying that she’s going to screw things up for us. Like she wants to take me away, or she’ll keep Lucas from you or do something to make you sick.”
“Don’t worry so much.” Lex took Clark’s hand when he walked back over, and Clark sat down next to him and looked on tenderly. Lex bore the gaze for a moment then averted his eyes. “But, really, thank you for giving me this day.”
“There’ll be lots of other good days,” Clark insisted.
Lex crooked a wry smile and squeezed Clark’s hand gratefully. “I don’t know that there will. But not knowing means I appreciate the ones I have much more.”
Clark pulled Lex into a quick hug then let him go before he could get uncomfortable.
***
Lex sat in the large comfortable, red chair. His skinny legs crossed at the knee and his face tilted backward as he read. The noise of rowdy high schoolers didn’t seem to penetrate his solitude.
Clark sat down in the chair next to his and watched him read. He felt so warm and excited that fire might start shooting out of his eyes. He sipped his coffee tentatively and tried not to stare at Lex so obviously.
“Here’s your drink!” The waitress said cheerfully. Lex looked up, and Clark suddenly wished that invisibility were one of his superpowers. Lex set aside his book to take the large, iced drink with whipped cream and sprinkles.
“That’s not what he ordered,” Clark blurted out. He almost bolted when Lex looked at him.
“Uh... didn’t even notice you there! Sorry. Off in my own world. He’s right though; this isn’t what I ordered. Someone else gets the froofy drink.”
“Oh.” She pouted and looked at the ticket. “Then what did you order?
“Skinny double cap no foam.”
“Oh.” She looked around and seemed put out. Lex ran his hands over his cheeks. “Hold on, I’ll get the manager.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s just a drink order. Look, if that doesn’t get claimed, I’ll take the… whatever that is.”
She set it down on the table in front of him and walked off. He waited for her to come back, but she had moved on to other tables and didn’t seem like she was checking on anything. Lex thinned his lips and took a sip as hesitantly as if he were testing a poisoned cocktail.
“That’s not even close to what you ordered,” Clark remarked.
“I guess a little whipped cream won’t ruin my figure,” Lex replied dryly.
“I think the whole can of whipped cream wouldn’t ruin your figure.”
“Maybe not. Want to try it?”
Clark’s heart leapt and danced. Drinking from the same glass! It was almost like kissing him! He took the glass… it was more like a beer stein, actually, and sipped from the straw. It was really sweet. Like drinking chilled cocoa. He set the glass back down and nodded. Lex was grinning at him, holding back a laugh. The expression was too cute, and Clark started smiling, too.
Lex rubbed his index finger over his top lip. Clark raised his brows in confusion. “Um?”
“Wait… here.” He pulled a napkin off the table and wiped off Clark’s upper lip. “You looked like you just got done with a bl- um. Never mind.”
Clark could feel himself turning red. Lex covered his mouth but continued to smirk.
Lex is laughing at that kid. Dumb faggots.
“Oh, hey, I’m sorry. Don’t be upset.” Lex leaned forward. “It was just a little cream.”
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah?” Lex nodded and picked back up his book.
“I’m Clark.”
“Uh… Clark. Yeah, I’m Lex.”
Clark nodded. He looked down at his hands. Lex seemed unsure of what to do or say.
“Yeah.”
Lex looked around. “Do you go to school around here? At A&M?”
“Uh… Smallville High.”
“Really? Wow, you’re a lot bigger than I was in high school.”
“I know. Um… I mean, I’m really tall.”
Lex nodded and smoothed a hand over his head. Clark wondered again what happened to him. Did he shave it? It looked so clean and exotic that way. Maybe it was radiation. From cancer? Or something else?
“I went to Excelsior. The private school, but I skipped a couple of grades.”
“Yeah.” Clark knew this. It wasn’t hard to get on the internet at school and find articles about the only son of the local celebrity family. “Sorry… I’m nervous.”
“I don’t mean to make you nervous, Clark. I can sit somewhere else.”
“No, don’t. I just… I read the article about you in Scientific Revolution.”
Lex gave a lopsided smile that was almost a grimace. “Yeah? Well, um. So you’re into science?”
“Not… really. Astronomy some.” Clark wanted to impale himself with something. He was finally getting to talk to Lex Luthor, and he was blowing it.
“Not my specialty, I’m afraid. If you want to talk physics or biochemistry, I’m your man. I’ve been working with Arthur at the plant about redesigning their process for a cleaner more eco-friendly output.”
“My dad would really like that. He hates the plant and only grows organic vegetables.”
“Smart guy. Must be hard to be competitive that way, though. Do you primarily farm?”
“We have cows and horses, too. And some chickens, but Mom has a hard time killing them. She was originally from Metropolis. We have a rooster that tries to lay eggs with the other hens.”
Lex laughed.
“Yeah heh heh, and she… Dad wants to get rid of him, but Mom says he needs to be free to be himself. And Dad just glares at her and says if he wants to be one of the girls, he still needs to do his job and crow. They’re weird sometimes.”
“Parents can be.” Lex waited for a few minutes. “Well, I have to get out of here. See you around, Clark.”
“Um…” Clark stood and blinked a few times. Lex paused, holding the book under his arm. He’d abandoned the froofy drink. “Do… do you come to Smallville a lot? And The Beanery?”
“Yeah, sometimes when I’m working with the plant. I mostly stay in Metropolis, though.”
“Then I’ll see you around, maybe?”
Lex rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, I’ll be around. If you see me, say hi. Good luck with school.”
Clark’s eyes fixed resolutely on Lex’s backside as he swished and swaggered out of the coffee house.
He couldn’t wait to get away from you.
”That isn’t true… we were laughing over the drink together,” Clark muttered. He picked it up and sipped from it again, thinking some of Lex’s essence must be left in the glass.
Follow him.
Clark got up and walked over to the window. Lex flipped over the side of a Porsche and pulled on a pair of black driving gloves with gusto.
“Mia bella!” He licked his lips as he put his keys in the engine. Lex really seemed to like that car.
He pulled out of the parking lot at breakneck speed.
I need you to protect me, Clark.
Lex’s haunted whisper caused a shiver to rip down his spine.
Please save me.
“I’ll do the best I can, Lex.”
“Lex isn’t a preoccupation. Can’t you be devoted to someone without being crazy?” Clark asked fretfully.
Dr. Yeh sat in a chair by his bed and took a drink from her large mug. “I think that it is possible. You’re telling me that you still love him. That’s good that you admit it now. A driving force in your illusions centered around stalking and controlling his actions in your fantasies. Your obsession with him made it very difficult for you to understand your mental illness. Until very recently, you refused to… well, could not believe that you were schizophrenic.”
”I know that.” Clark walked around his room, back and forth, fidgeting his hands around with nervous energy. “But can’t I love him too? I mean, just because I fixated on him when I was in the acute stage… couldn’t I have loved him before my psychotic break? Couldn’t that be real?”
“I’ll never tell you that your feelings aren’t real, Clark. I’m sure they feel very real to you, and frankly, what do we have to go on with love other than the feeling that we have it?” She tilted her head to the side. “You’ve improved a lot since you’ve been with him. I think this is what your former psychologist hoped for when he paired you with Lex directly after the accident. Dr. Hudson believed your obsession would help you want to be more in touch with reality, where you could be with him.”
“You don’t think I really love him. You think… I’m angry… and confused, don’t you? That this is all part of ‘preoccupation’?”
“I think that you were unable to come to terms with your schizophrenia until the right elements came together: the appropriate medication, proper therapy, and a supportive environment. That last one is Lex himself. He’s supporting you more than anyone else has, and this has been a consistent factor in your development.”
Clark sighed irritably. Sometimes it was exhausting having to think out all of his actions and beliefs.
“I also think that you need to separate your obsession with him from your love, which only you can say that you have. The obsession… well, Clark. He can see it; I’m sure he can. The best course of action in a situation like this would normally be to separate the two of you-“
“NO!”
“-But seeing as how that didn’t work very well for either of you and you are improving in his care…”
Clark plopped down on the bed. “How can I separate obsession from love?”
Dr. Yeh set down her mug. “I’m starting to feel like a couple’s counselor. The problem here is dependence and fear. We can’t help the former. You legally cannot live on your own right now. That puts Lex in a position of power over you, and you are dependant on his wanting to keep you around.”
“Lex would… he would never leave me,” Clark said running his hands through his hair. “Would… he?”
“What do you think?”
“No, he wouldn’t. He’s trying to protect me from his father and my mother, and it scares him too that they might separate us. The only way he might leave is if… he thinks his issues are bad for me or if…”
She placed the tip of her pen in between her teeth.
“If he kills himself. God, oh, God, how do I keep him from doing that?” he begged her, hearing his own voice rise unsteadily in pitch.
“Have you talked about this with him?”
“Yeah. A little.”
She looked surprised and a little impressed. “Have you? What brought that up?”
“I asked him why he did it before, and if he was going to try again.” Clark stretched his shoulders and rolled his head around. He was starting to get a headache. “He said he wouldn’t because he had to protect me.”
“You feel as though you are the only thing preventing Lex from taking his life.”
“He says his sessions with you lately suck,” Clark said bluntly. She lifted one thin brow very high. “I know he’s perking up a little because I got my mom to start letting Lex see his brother. He smiles so big when Luc’s over. Y’know, he just loves his brother.”
”Lex has really been needing support as well,” she commented. “But it isn’t your fault that other people don’t give it to him. And it won’t be your fault if he makes another attempt.”
“He said he still thinks about it.”
”He hasn’t told me that. I suspected, though. He lies about how he’s feeling, but he tells me his dreams.” She set aside her notepad and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “But the things that you’ve been telling me, Clark. Connections to other people, you and Lucas, these are the little things that are going to help Lex to get better. Detachment lets him leave this world more easily. Be proud of what you’ve given him so far. You’re both working very hard to save each other, and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t separated you, in spite of the obvious obsession. You give each other hope. It’s hard to dig yourself out when they’re no bright light at the end of the tunnel.”
“I’m a bright light, huh?”
“Just don’t burden yourself with this. This belief that you are personally responsible for Lex’s mental health might be common with individuals living with loved ones who have a mental illness, but it is no less a delusion than believing you can fly. He has to put in effort as well. I’m here to help, as is Mercy, and I do speak with her as well regarding you both. Unfortunately, I include your family as a part of the list of stressors on the both of you instead of part of your support network. Perhaps when you start going out again, you can develop a stronger network.”
“I’ve met some people online. They seem nice.” Clark considered his responsibility for Lex being a delusion. Well, someone had to be responsible for him, didn’t they? Lex felt the same way about Clark. He’d said so.
She ran a finger across her lip, then picked up the pad and wrote something down. “I’ll send you a list of a few online support groups for individuals with schizophrenia. Maybe you can share some experiences with them. It’s different for everyone, but I think it helps to know you aren’t alone. Also, online interaction… it’s really a lot less stressful for you.”
Clark nodded.
“Please realize, and I’ve told you this before, you are a very motivated patient. It may appear that things are moving slowly, but you really are progressing very well.” She began scribbling on her pad once again. “Talk to me about Lex. How you feel. You may not be able to fully disclose your desires right now, when he still associates your mental illness with your feelings for him, but you don’t have to keep them inside.”
***
“I wish it were real,” Clark said, out of the blue. He was sitting at the laptop, poking around at the sites Yeh had given to him. Lex was on the couch reading something philosophic or scientific that Clark didn’t even understand the title to. Nerd. Brilliant, beautiful nerd.
“What?”
“I wish my fantasy world were real. I mean, I know that it’s not, and sometimes there were so many. Dr. Hudson made it seem like they were a coherent storyline, but they weren’t. There were stories that happened in a different timeline, and ones that didn’t make sense at all even within their own structure.” Clark clicked into a forum. “I think I was crazy in my fantasy world, too.”
Lex poked his head over the top of the couch. “So you want to be crazy in your fantasy world?”
“No, sorry, my thoughts got bungled there. I was thinking, at least in my fantasy world, you have a better chance of happiness.”
”It sure as hell never sounded like I did. Doesn’t everyone hate me there? Even my girlfriend and parents? And you?”
Clark turned around. “I never hated you. I just got really frustrated. But I’m just a stubborn, obsessed nutball there.”
“So, pretty much the same? Only you have powers and I have lasers?”
Clark grinned. “Yeah. Maybe I don’t wish it were real. Some of my stories though… they were different. Things were different, and I told you the truth about my powers, and we stayed together and saved the world.”
“Sounds like those ones were nicer.”
“They were harder to come by after Dr. Hudson switched my meds.”
Lex nodded.
“Sorry, I’m rambling.”
“Ramble away. Heidegger can wait if you want to talk.” Lex scooted himself up more and narrowed his eyes in concentration. “Are you stressed?”
“You keep asking that,” Clark sighed.
“Well, stress can stultify the efforts to cope with mental illness. Is it the GED? We can stop. Or slow down. Don’t feel like you have to do it just because I suggested it. I’ll still be proud of you,” Lex assured him.
“No, it isn’t that. I can handle a little math.” Clark walked over to him and leaned on the back of the couch. Lex placed a light hand on the side of his face.
“Whatever it is, I’ll make it stop,” Lex asserted firmly.
“You have superpowers now?” Clark teased lightly. Lex’s eyes darted downward. He started to draw back his hand, but Clark took it in his own and gave it a light kiss. “I love you. A lot. And I worry about you hurting yourself.”
“I know. I don’t want my problems to affect you adversely. I’m really trying,” Lex promised emphatically.
“Good. You seem better than you did.” Clark looked into Lex’s eyes, searching for the wounds still inside that overburdened head of his. “It’s in your eyes, when you’re hurting that much.”
“I’ve had a really fucking good week. Well, a really fucking good couple of days here and there. Even that hasn’t happened…”
“Since the accident,” Clark finished awkwardly. Lex twitched his lips bitterly.
“Since before. Since… a long time. A really long time.”
“Then we just need to have more really good days. And more really good weeks.”
“Heh. Maybe then I’ll start to trust that feeling again.”
“I want you to.” Clark moved forward and pressed his forehead against Lex’s. The older man started to chuckle. Clark started to laugh, too.
Silly, unreasonable, irrational, illogical, laughter.
Life sucks laughter.
It felt good to not have to be rational for a moment.