WART #74: The Gayest WART Ever! (That's what SHE said!)

[office_michael]

"Goooooooooooooooooooooooood morning VietNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" shrieked a man's voice throughout all the radio speakers positioned around Hogwarts. A long pause followed, as though the speaker were somehow waiting for a response from the listeners. The end of that pause was punctuated by a hissed sort of snickering, laughter lodged in the back of the

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[toujours_sirius]

Sirius was terribly depressed. Playing Jenga with Lily had been a colossal mistake. He should never have let her goad him into kissing her, because all it had done was show her how he felt, and, as he had predicted, she had not reacted well to it. Alone in his room and sobered up (a situation he was considering changing very shortly), he turned on the radio to see if anything was on that might cheer him up.

Well, Michael’s extreme idiocy was definitely not something that was going to lighten his mood, but at least he could transfer his hurt into annoyance with the git. He lay on his bed throughout the entire broadcast. When Michael announced the show was almost over, he was on the verge of hauling himself up and getting another bottle of Firewhisky when he heard the dedication to ‘Black’. Lily’s name for him. Lily.

His heart leapt in his chest and started to pound a steadily increasing rhythm as he listened to the lyrics of the song. He wasn’t quite sure what they meant, but…well, they weren’t something you’d say to someone whom you

[office_michael]

Michael put his hands out to stop Sirius from getting too close. Sirius was a dude, after all, and that was just gross! "Ooooo~oooookay, slow down there, buddy. I don't even know who you are."

[toujours_sirius]

"Black. I'm Black." Sirius's voice was edgy and impatient.

[office_michael]

Michael laughed incredulously, in a choking sort of way. "Ummmmmmm...you're not black. Look, if aaaaaaaanyone's a friend of diversity, it's me! But ya can't just come waltzing in here saying that you're black and expect I'll give you a job or make you assistant to the DJ or something. Thaaaa~aaaaat...would not be equal!"

[carriesapurse]

A familiar purple-framed face appears in the Floo.

"MIKAAAAAAWWWW!"

[office_michael]

"Tinky Winky!" Michael was happy to see his fiance, who never failed to invite him to parties or had a case of the Mondays. "What's up, man? What's goin' down? Did you like the broadcast? I made it EXtra gay!"

[carriesapurse]

Tinky Winky wasn't sure what gay meant, but was sure whatever it was, it was him!

"Tinky Winky gay," he simpered.

[office_michael]

"Yes, you are gay," Michael said, a deep note of admiration in his voice. "Yooooooou are the gayest of them all, and I think - " now a sage sort of tone crept in " - we all should aspire to be as gay as you." He gave Tinky Winky a look of deep significance. "Tinky Winky, you are like the gay Ghandi, spreading all the gay values across the land, sacrificing and suffering and refusing to eat so that all gays can be as gay as they want to be."

*floos in*

[fathalpert]

Wow, Michael. That was, uh... quite a broadcast.

So, anyway, totally unrelated, but I think I'd like to dedicate an apology to the whole school, on behalf of... this guy I know.

Re: *floos in*

[office_michael]

Thanks, Jim! *totally doesn't get the sarcasm* I think we made GREAT strides in diversity and tolerance today. And I want you to know that I~~ accept you, even though you like Pam and therefore are not gay.

*presses his hands together, his index fingers pointing up, and puts them in front of his mouth, taking on a very grave, look, as though he is deep in thought*

Who's this guy, and what'd he do? Is he intolerant of gays?

Re: *floos in*

[fathalpert]

*freezes up a little, and glances hurriedly at the camera away, looking a bit alarmed* Uh, Michael, I'm still dating Karen, actually. You know, Karen? From Stamford?

Uh, anyway. *scratches the back of his neck, glancing back at Michael at the question* *tries not to smirk* You... could say that, yeah.

Re: *floos in*

[office_michael]

*indignantly* Of course I know Karen. *waves a hand dismissively* She's exotic, but Pam's got better boobs. Anyway, just because you're dating Karen doesn't mean you don't still like Pam. *is completely matter-of-fact*

...This guy you're talking about...it's not Dwight, is it?

[themountie]

Fraser had heard the broadcast and, naturally, felt it was his duty to clear up some of Michael's more egregious... misconceptions. After all, the man clearly meant well, that much was obvious. He just seemed a little... misguided.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Scott!" he greeted the man jovially as he Flooed himself into the studio. "My name is Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP. I was just listening to your radio programme, and I wondered if you might not mind my, ah... my clearing up a few details for your listeners. Purely in the spirit of..." Gay pride? Right-thinking bent men everywhere? Getting basic facts right? "...proper dissemination of information," he settled.

[office_michael]

Michael looked at Fraser, his eyes widening. "WWWWWWWOOOOWWWWWWWW!" Without warning, he rushed over and gave Fraser a gigantic hug, drooping onto him as though Fraser had just saved his life. When he pulled back, he clapped his hands and laughed joyously. "I NEVer thought one of the Village People would show up to my broadcast! It is a PLEAsure to meet you, sir! You are an inspiration to gays everywhere!"

[themountie]

Fraser stiffened slightly as Michael hugged him, his eyes going rather wide. He didn't return the hug, although nor did he pull away -- he just kind of stood there, blinking at him in bewilderment. For half a moment, he wondered if he was secretly supposed to know this man, too.

"I... village people?" He removed his hat and squinted curiously at Michael, absently fingering the brim. Was that a Canadian slur he wasn't familiar with? "I'm not sure I follow, Mr. Scott -- do you mean Inuvik? Because, actually, the truth is, it's quite a large city. I don't think it can be considered a village at all. But, ah... I do thank you kindly for the compliment," he added, again slightly nonplussed. An inspiration? He didn't even realize anyone but Lily (and, obviously, Ray) knew about him.

[office_michael]

Michael looked at Fraser with an expression of deep profundity - or what he thought was an expression of deep profundity, but really was a look of extreme goofiness and stupidity. "It does take a village to raise a gay man." A quick beat went by. "That's what she said."