in the thin spaces...

[femmequixotic]

So, it's been over three weeks since I've updated. I was considering making it an even month, but that just seemed ridiculous. I've spent the time doing Ascendio planning, spending time with the kittens, redesigning my journal, not writing, and struggling with depression, woe.

Comments

[geneva2010]

You're a beautiful person, and even in a very low moment you've shared beautiful thoughts with us here. You powered through so much tragedy and upheaval last year, like a bull, you have right to be exhausted and low. "Having a right" isn't even what I mean, or necessary to feel pain like you are - - but in any case take good care of yourself and know that we love you. I hope it gets better soon.

[femmequixotic]

Thank you, dear! I'm hoping it will get better--I think being able to make this post actually helped me a lot, as have everyone's kind wishes. I am so grateful for all of you. *hugs*

[femmequixotic]

You know, it's true. The community is so important. I think that's one of the things I've hated about feeling so adrift from fandom--that disconnect from all of you guys. Or perhaps disconnect isn't the right term. More like muffling. You know? Like the community's there, all around you, but you can't quite feel it because the sadness is a buffer keeping you a little off to the side. Which sucks. But I'm hoping being able to talk about it like this maybe might have broken that a little bit.

I've missed you guys. A lot.

[the_con_cept]

I have struggled with some of this before. When I struggled with clinical depression many years ago, I was so incredibly distanced from everything I had ever loved. I felt as if I had fallen into a deep well and everything around me was shades of grey. And whenever I reached for something I used to enjoy to try to pull myself out (reading, music, friends) I just pulled them in and they became grey too, and lost the power of making me happy. I hated that time in my life. And it was worse because I suddenly became popular--maybe because I *was* functional and able to smile and nod and everything. But it felt like everyone liked the inauthentic me better, and that hurt even more. It took time and medication and therapy before I got myself adjusted back to normal. Er, for some value of 'normal

[femmequixotic]

Thank you so much. Seriously. I cannot begin to tell you how much your sharing that has helped me. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now, actually. It really helps me to remember that in all of this God's in control--I have such issues with control as it is that I need to be reminded of that when I start feeling as if everything's spinning out of my hands. Maybe it never was in my hands to begin with. That's really deeply comforting. Thank you for that reminder. *hugs*

[rickey_a]

*hugs*
I'm glad you are able to talk about all this messy complicated stuff here. We all have our own baggage and can definitely empathize.
*more hugs*

[femmequixotic]

Thank you, dear. I was nervous about posting it, but I kept telling myself if there's one place I can talk about all this, it's here. *hugs*

[mirabile_dictu]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I understand what it means when fandom isn't a comfort -- but for me, it came back, hoo-boy did it, and I know the passion will return to you when you have more energy and more time. I honestly don't understand how you've coped with both school and a serious illness. You should love yourself! Look what you've accomplished

[femmequixotic]

Thank you, dear. *hugs* It really does help to have the support of friends to get through all of this. As does just knowing that it's okay to talk about non-fannish things. I think sometimes I worry too much about not-producing enough fannish content, and I overlook the fact that we're a community and just having each other around is important too.