in the thin spaces...

[femmequixotic]

So, it's been over three weeks since I've updated. I was considering making it an even month, but that just seemed ridiculous. I've spent the time doing Ascendio planning, spending time with the kittens, redesigning my journal, not writing, and struggling with depression, woe.

Comments

[the_con_cept]

I have struggled with some of this before. When I struggled with clinical depression many years ago, I was so incredibly distanced from everything I had ever loved. I felt as if I had fallen into a deep well and everything around me was shades of grey. And whenever I reached for something I used to enjoy to try to pull myself out (reading, music, friends) I just pulled them in and they became grey too, and lost the power of making me happy. I hated that time in my life. And it was worse because I suddenly became popular--maybe because I *was* functional and able to smile and nod and everything. But it felt like everyone liked the inauthentic me better, and that hurt even more. It took time and medication and therapy before I got myself adjusted back to normal. Er, for some value of 'normal' ;).

I would also like to share something I have thought about regarding grief, though I don't know if you will find it useful or applicable. When my mother died a few years ago I grieved hard, and was very angry and hateful toward myself because I could not, or did not, save her. I spent a long time feeling like a failure and a bad person. There was a lot of guilt and shame. The thing that helped me toward healing was that one day I had an epiphany. I suddenly thought, "If you truly believe God is all powerful, then why would you believe you could subvert His will? You are being very arrogant. This was *never* in your hands." And I let go of the guilt I felt. I feel super embarrassed sharing that, because I never, ever, ever talk about my faith in fandom or even IRL (it's just so intensely personal), and I never told anybody about it before. But it brought me such unexpected peace that I thought I should share it with you. Like I said, I don't know how useful it is considering your very different circumstances, but I hope God touches you in a similar way and brings you comfort. <3

[femmequixotic]

Thank you so much. Seriously. I cannot begin to tell you how much your sharing that has helped me. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now, actually. It really helps me to remember that in all of this God's in control--I have such issues with control as it is that I need to be reminded of that when I start feeling as if everything's spinning out of my hands. Maybe it never was in my hands to begin with. That's really deeply comforting. Thank you for that reminder. *hugs*