Skin You're In 13/?
Title: Skin You're In 13/?
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 13: The Close Call
“You need gelato,” Yoochun said as soon as they left the therapist office. He put his arm around Jaehwa’s shoulders. He led her into a cab and gave the driver the address to his mom’s shop.
Jaehwa said nothing and curled into his body, head on his chest. Yoochun held her tightly.
“I love you,” Yoochun whispered.
She nodded, fingers tightening in his shirt.
When the cab stopped, Jaehwa looked out the window, slightly alarmed. “I don’t … I don’t think I can …”
Yoochun cupped her face in his hands. “Do you want to go home? Or do you want gelato?”
“Gelato. Without your mother.”
“My mother loves you.”
“Your mother doesn’t know me.”
Yoochun frowned. “Do you want to tell her?”
“Of course not.”
“Then my mother knows you. Come on.”
Jaehwa sighed but climbed out of the car.
“Yoochun-oppa! Oppa!”
Yoochun smiled at the girls behind the counter. He put his arm around Jaehwa and saw them frown. “Hey ladies. This is Jaehwa.”
“Oh, Yoochun-oppa, your mom said you had a girlfriend and we didn’t believe her.”
“Well, I do.”
The other one pouted. “Oppa, you said that you didn’t feel like dating anyone last time I asked you.”
“And you asked me before I met Jaehwa, and you are both too young for me. Now give me some ice cream.”
“Oppa, it’s not ice cream.”
Yoochun grinned, and turned to Jaehwa. As their eyes met, the rest of the store went away. Yoochun ran his hand down Jaehwa’s cheek. “Watermelon?”
“I-I think I’ll try pear today.”
“Good choice.”
The girls already had Yoochun’s watermelon gelato in a bowl and one of them scooped up pear for Jaehwa.
“Is my mother here?” Yoochun asked.
“Yes, she’s in the office.”
Yoochun handed Jaehwa her gelato and then escorted her through the back room. To explain, he said, “I don’t want them glaring at you. They’ve been in love with me since they started working here.”
“You’re not arrogant at all, are you?” Jaehwa asked, smiling.
“Stating the truth is not arrogance.”
“Such a pimp.”
Yoochun smirked. Poking his head in the office he said, “Hey Omma.”
“Yoochun-ah, Jaehwa-shi, hello.” She stood up just as Yoochun dropped himself in a chair. Jaehwa bowed awkwardly and then sat next to him.
“What brings you here?” she asked.
Yoochun lifted his gelato cup.
“Of course, why would it ever be to visit your mother?”
Yoochun laughed. “Sorry, Mom. I have a couple of days off school next week, and I was wondering if there’s anything you need me to do.”
“Probably. My only son has been doing the budgeting lately.”
“Mom, come on. I said I was sorry.”
“Yes, well, now you’ll just have to prove it. Dara is going on vacation with her family next week. Maybe I’ll make you work behind the counter as penance.”
“Yoochun in a striped shirt with a tie and a little hat?” Jaehwa said, sitting up straight. “Do it. Please, make him do it.”
Yoochun’s mom laughed. “You’re outvoted, dear.”
Yoochun stuck his tongue out at Jaehwa, and she giggled. “I don’t mind. The ladies love me in that uniform. It’ll double our sales for the week.”
“Has he always been this arrogant?” Jaehwa asked.
“Yes. He has. Now, something a little more personal. When are you two getting married?”
Yoochun choked on a mouth full of gelato. “Mom!”
Jaehwa’s eyes went wide and the retreat into her insecurities was immediate.
“You have been together for a very long time. I like her. She likes me. I only need to meet her parents to talk about-“
“We’re not getting married,” Yoochun said quickly. “Not now anyway. We’re still young, Mom, and I’m not going to marry her and then take off for the army and then …”
“You haven’t done your army service yet?” Jaehwa said, surprised.
“No.” Yoochun almost asked if she had. “I was planning on going after I graduate.”
She bit her lower lip, eyes shutting, and Yoochun knew the signs of Jaehwa trying not to cry. He reached for her, but she stood up, mumbled something, bowed and left the office quickly.
“Fuck,” Yoochun muttered.
“Excuse me.”
Yoochun sighed and put his face in his hands. “It’s such a fight with everything with her.”
“What does that mean?”
Yoochun smiled and shook his head. “I don’t know, but it feels like as soon as we make some kind of progress in our relationship, something comes up to throw it back a step.”
“Like what?”
Yoochun wracked his brain for something to tell her that didn’t have to do with Jaehwa’s penis. He shrugged. “She’s very sensitive and emotional, and I love her for it because it makes her strong, makes her love stronger and her fierce loyalty to her friends.”
“But?”
“I don’t know if there is a but to that, Mom. Jaehwa doesn’t talk to her family frequently. She had a hard time growing up, and I don’t know what I can tell you without her being upset with me, but her father abused her and her mother was no help. Every intimacy we share has been an uphill climb and I constantly make sure she’s comfortable and okay with it, and … fuck, Mom, she wouldn’t let me kiss her for four months!”
“However did you survive?”
“I know!”
“That was sarcasm, young man.”
Yoochun sighed. “Marriage … marriage isn’t really an option right now, Mom. Jaehwa just realized that she practically lives with me and I don’t know if she’s going to run away or if we’re going to move in together.”
“Well, you better go find her. You can talk to me later, and anytime you want. But I think she’s more important right now.”
Yoochun nodded and stood up. “Thanks, Mom. Sorry about wasting gelato.” He picked up Jaehwa’s discarded bowl.
“I’ll take it out of your paycheck. Now go.”
Yoochun leaned over her desk and kissed her cheek. He dumped the gelato in a trash can and went through the store. He waved good bye to the girls and left the store.
Jaehwa was nowhere in sight.
Cursing, he pulled out his phone and called her. It went right to her voicemail, so he left a message and then sent a text to please call him. He sent Junsu a text, more or less warning him that Jaehwa was upset and had ran off.
From PianoBoy: Yeah, I know. She already called me and she’s on her way home. I’ll make sure she eats some chocolate. What’s going on?
From Yoochun: My mom asked us when we were getting married, I said something about military service, and then bam, she was gone
From PianoBoy: Ouch. Okay. Thanks for the heads up.
With nothing else to do, he flagged down a cab and went home.
Jaehwa didn’t call or text him all night, but Junsu did, after Jaehwa had cried herself to sleep. He told Yoochun that she didn’t really talk, and that Yoochun should probably come over and be there when she woke up.
Yoochun thought about that for almost two hours and decided that Junsu was right. He showered first and then dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt. After slipping on a hoody, he left his apartment and flagged down a cab to take him to Jaehwa and Junsu’s.
It was almost eight when he finally arrived, and Junsu let him in with a grimace.
“She is awake and mad that I told you to come over. She feels like I don’t want to comfort her anymore. What the fucking hell happened today?”
“It’s been an emotional day for us both,” Yoochun answered. “I’ll go talk to her, okay?”
Junsu nodded.
Yoochun went to Jaehwa’s room and knocked on the door, adding flare to it so she knew it was him.
“Go away!”
“No. Let me in.”
“No!”
Yoochun sighed and tried the knob and it turned. He smiled and slipped into her room. “If you don’t want someone to come in, you should lock the door.”
Jaehwa didn’t reply. She was curled up under her rainbow blanket. Yoochun sat on the edge of her bed and placed a hand on her side.
“I can’t believe you haven’t … you haven’t done your military service yet. You’re going to leave me for two years.”
“Have you done yours?”
Jaehwa glared at him. “I was exempt due to a mental disorder.”
Yoochun winced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah, whatever. Go away.”
With a sigh, Yoochun climbed into bed with her. “Is that all that is bothering you?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“Yes. That’s a lot, actually, but you don’t have to worry about it too much. I love you. I’ll love you even when I’m in the military.”
“And after, what happens?”
“I don’t know. I’ll still love you.”
“What if I don’t still love you?”
Yoochun felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest. “T-then we … I deal with that painfully and emotionally and … god, Jaehwa why would you say that?”
She buried deeper into her blanket and pillow.
“I told my mom I would wait until she was stable with her business before I left for the military, and then I went back to school. I’m not sure what they’ll have me do though, with my asthma, I’ll probably have a civilian job. But I … I can’t … I can’t think of after that and not have you in my future. I love you.”
Jaehwa said nothing, and Yoochun didn’t know what else to do. He curled up around her back and put his arm around her stomach, over the blanket. He shut his eyes and willed his heart to stop clenching.
“I-I think you should go home,” Jaehwa whispered.
“I don’t,” Yoochun replied, trying not to panic. “Talk to me.”
She shook her head. “Please go. Please. I can’t … I can’t deal with this, and …”
“Look me in the eyes, Jaehwa, and tell me you want me to go and that you don’t want me here.”
Jaehwa turned her head and met his eyes and said, “I want you to go.”
Yoochun held his breath, waiting for the last part and it didn’t come. Jaehwa covered her head again and Yoochun tried to breathe. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes and he tried not to panic, tried not to trigger an attack that he was unprepared for.
Fingers wrapped around his hand and he looked at Jaehwa with blurry eyes. She was concerned and she touched his face and said something he didn’t hear past the whooshing in his brain, and then her hands cupped his cheeks and he heard, “Breathe, baby, come on, breathe.”
Yoochun blinked and tears fell and he turned his face away.
Jaehwa rubbed his back for a moment and then curled around him, arms over his shoulder, legs around his hips. Yoochun inhaled deeply and leaned against her. They stayed like that for almost ten minutes.
“You okay, now?” Jaehwa asked.
Yoochun swallowed. “That depends.”
“On …”
“On you.”
Jaehwa sighed and rubbed her face on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I … I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“Running away from it isn’t an option,” Yoochun said. “I need you to talk to me.”
Jaehwa’s fingers played with the buttons on his shirt. “I-I … I’m so happy and I’m so afraid of all of this falling apart and … you leaving, or me leaving or … It won’t hurt as much if it ends now than if it ends later.”
Yoochun turned his head and they twisted until they were facing each other. Yoochun pressed his forehead against hers and shut his eyes. “I don’t know. The thought of us, this, ending now is pretty damn painful.”
Jaehwa’s breath hitched.
Yoochun pulled her into his arms, clinging to her. “I love you so much I can’t even think straight. I can’t picture life without you and when I do think of working in restaurant management or having a chain of stores somewhere, you’re always there with me. Always. I don’t want a life without you, Jaehwa.”
“I’m so scared.”
“Me, too. But don’t be afraid of me leaving you. You tried to push me away when you told me about your body. You tried to push me away when we started doing more than kissing, and you tried to push me away when I went to meet your mother. Hell, Jaehwa, you tried to push me away by refusing to go out with me for four months. You can’t … nothing will make me leave you.”
Jaehwa lifted her head, big eyes wide with tears on her cheeks. “You’re a stubborn bastard, that’s why you won’t leave me.”
“I love you. That’s why I won’t leave you.”
“Do you want to move in together?”
Yoochun blinked at the direct question. “Yes, eventually, but we’re not ready yet, and I know that. Nothing your therapist or my mother says should influence you in anything that we decide. When we’re ready to move in together, we will.”
Jaehwa sighed and fell back to the bed. Yoochun looked at her, Hello Kitty pants riding low on her hips, t-shirt pushed up to reveal her flat, pale stomach. Her hair fanned out around her head, and he had a sudden urge to touch it. Lust churned low in his stomach, and he knew it wasn’t a good time, but he slid his hands up her shirt anyway and crawled over her body.
Before Jaehwa could say anything, he kissed her, lips shaking, eyes open and on hers. She stayed tense below him for a moment and then her eyes shut and she put her arms around his back and their bodies connected. Yoochun slid his tongue in her mouth softly and pulled them closer, rolling until he was on his back and Jaehwa was propped up over him, hair falling around them.
The lust stayed at simmer, not increasing as Yoochun kissed her, pulling his own reassurances from the kiss that he hadn’t lost her.
“I love you,” she muttered into his mouth.
Yoochun’s throat closed, chest tight and he had to swallow before he could say it back, voice rough with emotions.
She smiled, pecked his lips and then curled up against him, head on his chest. Yoochun held her tightly, eyes shutting with relief. Wet dripped down his cheeks, and he didn’t try to brush the tears away. They lay together, heads near the foot of the bed, feet at the pillows.
Yoochun lost track of the time, and when Jaehwa sat up, he jerked in surprise.
Her hair hid her face and she rubbed her arms. Yoochun’s hands stayed on her waist, under her shirt.
“I’m kinda hungry,” Jaehwa whispered.
Yoochun smiled and sat up. He kissed her shoulder and her neck and said, “Get dressed. I happen to know of a fantastic little dokkbokki cart that is open all night long.”
Jaehwa smiled and then laughed. “I love that we have the same comfort food.”
Yoochun held her tightly and kissed her cheek. “I love that we have the same everything. Soul mates, baby.”
Jaehwa bit her lower lip. “Soul mates.”
Yoochun nodded and put his hand on her chest and said, “I love you. I love the person in this body, the beautiful, beautiful angel who captured my heart and makes me say corny things.”
Jaehwa laughed. “Why do I love you?”
Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t know. But I pray every day that you continue to love me.”
“I will. I promise. I just … I … “
Yoochun hugged her and said into her hair, “I know. It’s scary. But don’t shut me out anymore okay?”
“I’ll do better, I promise.”
“I know.”
He caressed her cheek and kissed her lips. “Now, get ready. I’m suddenly starving.”
Jaehwa grinned and shoved him. “Okay. Go tell Junsu we’re okay. He’s freaking out a bit.”
“He loves you, too.”
“He loves me more.”
Yoochun scowled at the smile on her face and said, “Only because you let him.”
She tilted her head and then nodded. “That’s fair.”
“Not to me.”
“No, not to you. I’ll do better.”
“I know.”
Yoochun gave her one more kiss and stood up. He straightened his clothes and left the room. He found Junsu and Changmin curled up on the couch.
Worried, Junsu asked, “Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She’s okay. We’re okay. We’re going to go get some dokkbokki, you guys wanna come?”
“Hell yes,” Changmin said.
“I’m not paying for you,” Yoochun said immediately, and Changmin frowned. “Have Junsu pay. You’re the one sucking on his cock.”
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
They went to eat, and then they went for a drink, and then another drink, and another, and they danced in a club until Jaehwa’s head lolled on his shoulder, half asleep.
Changmin and Junsu called it a night before them, going to Changmin’s apartment, and Yoochun poured his drunken girlfriend in a cab and went to her apartment. She clung to him, giggly and sweet while he took off their shoes and led her down the hallway.
“I love you, Chunnie-ah, I do. God, I lov’you, and I dunno why you love me when I’m so gross and I have a penish and you have a penish, but you isn’t gay or nothing, and god, I’m rambling.”
“You’re drunk,” Yoochun said.
“So’s you.”
“Not as drunk as you.”
“Prolly not.” Jaehwa sighed. She stood unsteady on her feet and undressed, completely naked. She frowned and stared down at her body, and then she turned and walked to Yoochun. “Why do you think I sexy when I have a penish?”
Yoochun smiled and put his arms around her naked body. “Because I do.”
“But it’s a boy part and I … god, maybe I’ll just be a boy again.”
“No, baby, don’t do that. You’re my pretty girl, remember?”
“This isn’t pretty!” she shouted and grabbed between her legs, squeezing hard enough that her face scrunched up.
Yoochun took her wrist and pulled her hand away, he walked her backwards to the bed. “I accept everything about you, but you don’t, and it hurts me when you think you’re unworthy or you’re ugly. Let’s go to bed, okay. You need to sleep.”
“B-but, I’m so ugly. So … “
Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and said, “No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.”
Her eyes shut, a tear fell down her cheek and she pulled away, crawling into bed. Yoochun sighed and stripped and crawled in next to her, pressing his warm body against her back. She took his hand and pulled it around her hip and Yoochun held his breath. She pushed his hand against her penis and rubbed it.
“Jae-“
“Shut up and touch me.”
“No, you’re drunk and you’re going to hate yourself in the morning.”
“I already hate myself.”
Yoochun tried to move his hand, but she kept it there, rolling her hips, rubbing herself, but after a minute of nothing happening, she flung Yoochun’s hand away with a whimper.
“You’re drunk,” Yoochun reminded her.
“Fuck you.”
Yoochun sighed and curled up against her body again, holding her tightly. She was crying again. He kissed her neck, and held her until she finally fell asleep.
Yoochun lay awake for a long time after that, thoughts too jumbled to sleep. Maybe he should have had just one more shot.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 14: The Reassurance
Part 12: The Meeting
Part 11: The Progress
Part 10: The Reset
Part 9: The Suuport | Part 8: The Situation | Part 7: The Promise | Part 6: The Conflict | Part 5: The Setback | Part 4: The Date | Part 3: The Wait | Part 2: The Talk | Part 1: The Secret
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 13: The Close Call
“You need gelato,” Yoochun said as soon as they left the therapist office. He put his arm around Jaehwa’s shoulders. He led her into a cab and gave the driver the address to his mom’s shop.
Jaehwa said nothing and curled into his body, head on his chest. Yoochun held her tightly.
“I love you,” Yoochun whispered.
She nodded, fingers tightening in his shirt.
When the cab stopped, Jaehwa looked out the window, slightly alarmed. “I don’t … I don’t think I can …”
Yoochun cupped her face in his hands. “Do you want to go home? Or do you want gelato?”
“Gelato. Without your mother.”
“My mother loves you.”
“Your mother doesn’t know me.”
Yoochun frowned. “Do you want to tell her?”
“Of course not.”
“Then my mother knows you. Come on.”
Jaehwa sighed but climbed out of the car.
“Yoochun-oppa! Oppa!”
Yoochun smiled at the girls behind the counter. He put his arm around Jaehwa and saw them frown. “Hey ladies. This is Jaehwa.”
“Oh, Yoochun-oppa, your mom said you had a girlfriend and we didn’t believe her.”
“Well, I do.”
The other one pouted. “Oppa, you said that you didn’t feel like dating anyone last time I asked you.”
“And you asked me before I met Jaehwa, and you are both too young for me. Now give me some ice cream.”
“Oppa, it’s not ice cream.”
Yoochun grinned, and turned to Jaehwa. As their eyes met, the rest of the store went away. Yoochun ran his hand down Jaehwa’s cheek. “Watermelon?”
“I-I think I’ll try pear today.”
“Good choice.”
The girls already had Yoochun’s watermelon gelato in a bowl and one of them scooped up pear for Jaehwa.
“Is my mother here?” Yoochun asked.
“Yes, she’s in the office.”
Yoochun handed Jaehwa her gelato and then escorted her through the back room. To explain, he said, “I don’t want them glaring at you. They’ve been in love with me since they started working here.”
“You’re not arrogant at all, are you?” Jaehwa asked, smiling.
“Stating the truth is not arrogance.”
“Such a pimp.”
Yoochun smirked. Poking his head in the office he said, “Hey Omma.”
“Yoochun-ah, Jaehwa-shi, hello.” She stood up just as Yoochun dropped himself in a chair. Jaehwa bowed awkwardly and then sat next to him.
“What brings you here?” she asked.
Yoochun lifted his gelato cup.
“Of course, why would it ever be to visit your mother?”
Yoochun laughed. “Sorry, Mom. I have a couple of days off school next week, and I was wondering if there’s anything you need me to do.”
“Probably. My only son has been doing the budgeting lately.”
“Mom, come on. I said I was sorry.”
“Yes, well, now you’ll just have to prove it. Dara is going on vacation with her family next week. Maybe I’ll make you work behind the counter as penance.”
“Yoochun in a striped shirt with a tie and a little hat?” Jaehwa said, sitting up straight. “Do it. Please, make him do it.”
Yoochun’s mom laughed. “You’re outvoted, dear.”
Yoochun stuck his tongue out at Jaehwa, and she giggled. “I don’t mind. The ladies love me in that uniform. It’ll double our sales for the week.”
“Has he always been this arrogant?” Jaehwa asked.
“Yes. He has. Now, something a little more personal. When are you two getting married?”
Yoochun choked on a mouth full of gelato. “Mom!”
Jaehwa’s eyes went wide and the retreat into her insecurities was immediate.
“You have been together for a very long time. I like her. She likes me. I only need to meet her parents to talk about-“
“We’re not getting married,” Yoochun said quickly. “Not now anyway. We’re still young, Mom, and I’m not going to marry her and then take off for the army and then …”
“You haven’t done your army service yet?” Jaehwa said, surprised.
“No.” Yoochun almost asked if she had. “I was planning on going after I graduate.”
She bit her lower lip, eyes shutting, and Yoochun knew the signs of Jaehwa trying not to cry. He reached for her, but she stood up, mumbled something, bowed and left the office quickly.
“Fuck,” Yoochun muttered.
“Excuse me.”
Yoochun sighed and put his face in his hands. “It’s such a fight with everything with her.”
“What does that mean?”
Yoochun smiled and shook his head. “I don’t know, but it feels like as soon as we make some kind of progress in our relationship, something comes up to throw it back a step.”
“Like what?”
Yoochun wracked his brain for something to tell her that didn’t have to do with Jaehwa’s penis. He shrugged. “She’s very sensitive and emotional, and I love her for it because it makes her strong, makes her love stronger and her fierce loyalty to her friends.”
“But?”
“I don’t know if there is a but to that, Mom. Jaehwa doesn’t talk to her family frequently. She had a hard time growing up, and I don’t know what I can tell you without her being upset with me, but her father abused her and her mother was no help. Every intimacy we share has been an uphill climb and I constantly make sure she’s comfortable and okay with it, and … fuck, Mom, she wouldn’t let me kiss her for four months!”
“However did you survive?”
“I know!”
“That was sarcasm, young man.”
Yoochun sighed. “Marriage … marriage isn’t really an option right now, Mom. Jaehwa just realized that she practically lives with me and I don’t know if she’s going to run away or if we’re going to move in together.”
“Well, you better go find her. You can talk to me later, and anytime you want. But I think she’s more important right now.”
Yoochun nodded and stood up. “Thanks, Mom. Sorry about wasting gelato.” He picked up Jaehwa’s discarded bowl.
“I’ll take it out of your paycheck. Now go.”
Yoochun leaned over her desk and kissed her cheek. He dumped the gelato in a trash can and went through the store. He waved good bye to the girls and left the store.
Jaehwa was nowhere in sight.
Cursing, he pulled out his phone and called her. It went right to her voicemail, so he left a message and then sent a text to please call him. He sent Junsu a text, more or less warning him that Jaehwa was upset and had ran off.
From PianoBoy: Yeah, I know. She already called me and she’s on her way home. I’ll make sure she eats some chocolate. What’s going on?
From Yoochun: My mom asked us when we were getting married, I said something about military service, and then bam, she was gone
From PianoBoy: Ouch. Okay. Thanks for the heads up.
With nothing else to do, he flagged down a cab and went home.
Jaehwa didn’t call or text him all night, but Junsu did, after Jaehwa had cried herself to sleep. He told Yoochun that she didn’t really talk, and that Yoochun should probably come over and be there when she woke up.
Yoochun thought about that for almost two hours and decided that Junsu was right. He showered first and then dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt. After slipping on a hoody, he left his apartment and flagged down a cab to take him to Jaehwa and Junsu’s.
It was almost eight when he finally arrived, and Junsu let him in with a grimace.
“She is awake and mad that I told you to come over. She feels like I don’t want to comfort her anymore. What the fucking hell happened today?”
“It’s been an emotional day for us both,” Yoochun answered. “I’ll go talk to her, okay?”
Junsu nodded.
Yoochun went to Jaehwa’s room and knocked on the door, adding flare to it so she knew it was him.
“Go away!”
“No. Let me in.”
“No!”
Yoochun sighed and tried the knob and it turned. He smiled and slipped into her room. “If you don’t want someone to come in, you should lock the door.”
Jaehwa didn’t reply. She was curled up under her rainbow blanket. Yoochun sat on the edge of her bed and placed a hand on her side.
“I can’t believe you haven’t … you haven’t done your military service yet. You’re going to leave me for two years.”
“Have you done yours?”
Jaehwa glared at him. “I was exempt due to a mental disorder.”
Yoochun winced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah, whatever. Go away.”
With a sigh, Yoochun climbed into bed with her. “Is that all that is bothering you?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“Yes. That’s a lot, actually, but you don’t have to worry about it too much. I love you. I’ll love you even when I’m in the military.”
“And after, what happens?”
“I don’t know. I’ll still love you.”
“What if I don’t still love you?”
Yoochun felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest. “T-then we … I deal with that painfully and emotionally and … god, Jaehwa why would you say that?”
She buried deeper into her blanket and pillow.
“I told my mom I would wait until she was stable with her business before I left for the military, and then I went back to school. I’m not sure what they’ll have me do though, with my asthma, I’ll probably have a civilian job. But I … I can’t … I can’t think of after that and not have you in my future. I love you.”
Jaehwa said nothing, and Yoochun didn’t know what else to do. He curled up around her back and put his arm around her stomach, over the blanket. He shut his eyes and willed his heart to stop clenching.
“I-I think you should go home,” Jaehwa whispered.
“I don’t,” Yoochun replied, trying not to panic. “Talk to me.”
She shook her head. “Please go. Please. I can’t … I can’t deal with this, and …”
“Look me in the eyes, Jaehwa, and tell me you want me to go and that you don’t want me here.”
Jaehwa turned her head and met his eyes and said, “I want you to go.”
Yoochun held his breath, waiting for the last part and it didn’t come. Jaehwa covered her head again and Yoochun tried to breathe. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes and he tried not to panic, tried not to trigger an attack that he was unprepared for.
Fingers wrapped around his hand and he looked at Jaehwa with blurry eyes. She was concerned and she touched his face and said something he didn’t hear past the whooshing in his brain, and then her hands cupped his cheeks and he heard, “Breathe, baby, come on, breathe.”
Yoochun blinked and tears fell and he turned his face away.
Jaehwa rubbed his back for a moment and then curled around him, arms over his shoulder, legs around his hips. Yoochun inhaled deeply and leaned against her. They stayed like that for almost ten minutes.
“You okay, now?” Jaehwa asked.
Yoochun swallowed. “That depends.”
“On …”
“On you.”
Jaehwa sighed and rubbed her face on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I … I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“Running away from it isn’t an option,” Yoochun said. “I need you to talk to me.”
Jaehwa’s fingers played with the buttons on his shirt. “I-I … I’m so happy and I’m so afraid of all of this falling apart and … you leaving, or me leaving or … It won’t hurt as much if it ends now than if it ends later.”
Yoochun turned his head and they twisted until they were facing each other. Yoochun pressed his forehead against hers and shut his eyes. “I don’t know. The thought of us, this, ending now is pretty damn painful.”
Jaehwa’s breath hitched.
Yoochun pulled her into his arms, clinging to her. “I love you so much I can’t even think straight. I can’t picture life without you and when I do think of working in restaurant management or having a chain of stores somewhere, you’re always there with me. Always. I don’t want a life without you, Jaehwa.”
“I’m so scared.”
“Me, too. But don’t be afraid of me leaving you. You tried to push me away when you told me about your body. You tried to push me away when we started doing more than kissing, and you tried to push me away when I went to meet your mother. Hell, Jaehwa, you tried to push me away by refusing to go out with me for four months. You can’t … nothing will make me leave you.”
Jaehwa lifted her head, big eyes wide with tears on her cheeks. “You’re a stubborn bastard, that’s why you won’t leave me.”
“I love you. That’s why I won’t leave you.”
“Do you want to move in together?”
Yoochun blinked at the direct question. “Yes, eventually, but we’re not ready yet, and I know that. Nothing your therapist or my mother says should influence you in anything that we decide. When we’re ready to move in together, we will.”
Jaehwa sighed and fell back to the bed. Yoochun looked at her, Hello Kitty pants riding low on her hips, t-shirt pushed up to reveal her flat, pale stomach. Her hair fanned out around her head, and he had a sudden urge to touch it. Lust churned low in his stomach, and he knew it wasn’t a good time, but he slid his hands up her shirt anyway and crawled over her body.
Before Jaehwa could say anything, he kissed her, lips shaking, eyes open and on hers. She stayed tense below him for a moment and then her eyes shut and she put her arms around his back and their bodies connected. Yoochun slid his tongue in her mouth softly and pulled them closer, rolling until he was on his back and Jaehwa was propped up over him, hair falling around them.
The lust stayed at simmer, not increasing as Yoochun kissed her, pulling his own reassurances from the kiss that he hadn’t lost her.
“I love you,” she muttered into his mouth.
Yoochun’s throat closed, chest tight and he had to swallow before he could say it back, voice rough with emotions.
She smiled, pecked his lips and then curled up against him, head on his chest. Yoochun held her tightly, eyes shutting with relief. Wet dripped down his cheeks, and he didn’t try to brush the tears away. They lay together, heads near the foot of the bed, feet at the pillows.
Yoochun lost track of the time, and when Jaehwa sat up, he jerked in surprise.
Her hair hid her face and she rubbed her arms. Yoochun’s hands stayed on her waist, under her shirt.
“I’m kinda hungry,” Jaehwa whispered.
Yoochun smiled and sat up. He kissed her shoulder and her neck and said, “Get dressed. I happen to know of a fantastic little dokkbokki cart that is open all night long.”
Jaehwa smiled and then laughed. “I love that we have the same comfort food.”
Yoochun held her tightly and kissed her cheek. “I love that we have the same everything. Soul mates, baby.”
Jaehwa bit her lower lip. “Soul mates.”
Yoochun nodded and put his hand on her chest and said, “I love you. I love the person in this body, the beautiful, beautiful angel who captured my heart and makes me say corny things.”
Jaehwa laughed. “Why do I love you?”
Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t know. But I pray every day that you continue to love me.”
“I will. I promise. I just … I … “
Yoochun hugged her and said into her hair, “I know. It’s scary. But don’t shut me out anymore okay?”
“I’ll do better, I promise.”
“I know.”
He caressed her cheek and kissed her lips. “Now, get ready. I’m suddenly starving.”
Jaehwa grinned and shoved him. “Okay. Go tell Junsu we’re okay. He’s freaking out a bit.”
“He loves you, too.”
“He loves me more.”
Yoochun scowled at the smile on her face and said, “Only because you let him.”
She tilted her head and then nodded. “That’s fair.”
“Not to me.”
“No, not to you. I’ll do better.”
“I know.”
Yoochun gave her one more kiss and stood up. He straightened his clothes and left the room. He found Junsu and Changmin curled up on the couch.
Worried, Junsu asked, “Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She’s okay. We’re okay. We’re going to go get some dokkbokki, you guys wanna come?”
“Hell yes,” Changmin said.
“I’m not paying for you,” Yoochun said immediately, and Changmin frowned. “Have Junsu pay. You’re the one sucking on his cock.”
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
They went to eat, and then they went for a drink, and then another drink, and another, and they danced in a club until Jaehwa’s head lolled on his shoulder, half asleep.
Changmin and Junsu called it a night before them, going to Changmin’s apartment, and Yoochun poured his drunken girlfriend in a cab and went to her apartment. She clung to him, giggly and sweet while he took off their shoes and led her down the hallway.
“I love you, Chunnie-ah, I do. God, I lov’you, and I dunno why you love me when I’m so gross and I have a penish and you have a penish, but you isn’t gay or nothing, and god, I’m rambling.”
“You’re drunk,” Yoochun said.
“So’s you.”
“Not as drunk as you.”
“Prolly not.” Jaehwa sighed. She stood unsteady on her feet and undressed, completely naked. She frowned and stared down at her body, and then she turned and walked to Yoochun. “Why do you think I sexy when I have a penish?”
Yoochun smiled and put his arms around her naked body. “Because I do.”
“But it’s a boy part and I … god, maybe I’ll just be a boy again.”
“No, baby, don’t do that. You’re my pretty girl, remember?”
“This isn’t pretty!” she shouted and grabbed between her legs, squeezing hard enough that her face scrunched up.
Yoochun took her wrist and pulled her hand away, he walked her backwards to the bed. “I accept everything about you, but you don’t, and it hurts me when you think you’re unworthy or you’re ugly. Let’s go to bed, okay. You need to sleep.”
“B-but, I’m so ugly. So … “
Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and said, “No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.”
Her eyes shut, a tear fell down her cheek and she pulled away, crawling into bed. Yoochun sighed and stripped and crawled in next to her, pressing his warm body against her back. She took his hand and pulled it around her hip and Yoochun held his breath. She pushed his hand against her penis and rubbed it.
“Jae-“
“Shut up and touch me.”
“No, you’re drunk and you’re going to hate yourself in the morning.”
“I already hate myself.”
Yoochun tried to move his hand, but she kept it there, rolling her hips, rubbing herself, but after a minute of nothing happening, she flung Yoochun’s hand away with a whimper.
“You’re drunk,” Yoochun reminded her.
“Fuck you.”
Yoochun sighed and curled up against her body again, holding her tightly. She was crying again. He kissed her neck, and held her until she finally fell asleep.
Yoochun lay awake for a long time after that, thoughts too jumbled to sleep. Maybe he should have had just one more shot.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 14: The Reassurance
Part 12: The Meeting
Part 11: The Progress
Part 10: The Reset
Part 9: The Suuport | Part 8: The Situation | Part 7: The Promise | Part 6: The Conflict | Part 5: The Setback | Part 4: The Date | Part 3: The Wait | Part 2: The Talk | Part 1: The Secret
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