Skin You're In 7/9
Title: Skin You're In 7/9
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 7: The Promise
Yoochun woke up slowly. Everything around him was dark, and there was a warm body in his arms. But the warm body was shivering, and muffled cries echoed around him.
Yoochun moaned, body pleasantly sore.
Jaehwa froze.
Yoochun kissed her shoulder and then shifted so she was on her back and he was half on his stomach and half laying on her. His arm was around her waist. He kissed her collarbone.
Her chest hitched with a quick inhale.
“I love you,” Yoochun murmured, sleepy and content against her skin.
Jaehwa whimpered, but Yoochun ignored it and kept talking. “I love you so much. And I’m glad you’re being patient with me. And I’m so glad you haven’t left me. You probably should have found someone that can accept you for who you are, instead of someone like me who keeps making you feel insecure and disgusted with yourself.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, and I think my favorite part of last night was watching you come, because you’re so beautiful when you’re unrestrained. You’re beautiful with your skin flushed. I love that you let me see you like that, I love that you trust me and love me enough to really let go.”
Shaking fingers ran through his hair, and Yoochun smiled. After a few minutes, he whispered, “Why are you crying?”
“Just the usual,” she said, but did not elaborate.
Yoochun propped up on a hand and found her lips in the dark. “Excuse me for feeling insecure, but I can’t say I’ve had a girl cry after giving her two amazing orgasms.”
Jaehwa snorted. “It’s not about you all the time.”
“I know. But you won’t tell me when it’s about you, so I’m going to assume that it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Talk to me, Jae-love, please.”
She remained quiet.
“Do you want to get up, shower and have some tea?”
“Y-yes.”
Yoochun thought about asking to shower together, but figured that’d be pushing it. He pressed one more kiss to her lips and then rolled over. His fingers found his lamp and he winced at the sudden bright light. His skin was sticky with dried sweat and come. Standing, he turned around. Jaehwa was sitting up. She was clutching a blanket to her chest, covering her almost completely. Yoochun frowned and held out his hands. She shook her head.
Yoochun smiled and leaned down and kissed her briefly. “I accept you for who you are,” he said. “I always have and I always will.”
She nodded, biting her lower lip. Her hair was all over the place and there were lots of purple and red splotches on her shoulders and chest.
Yoochun ran his finger over one particularly prominent bite mark. “Oops. Sorry.”
Her smile was fleeting, and she turned her head and kissed his hand.
Yoochun smiled and cupped her cheek. He kissed her one more time and then turned and found a pair of sweatpants for himself, and a pair of his shorts for her. She slipped them on without moving the blanket. Yoochun said nothing, but this time when he held out his hand, she let him pull her up. He put his arm around her shoulders, kissed her cheek and then led her into the living room and across to the bathroom. He reluctantly let her go, and then found a clean towel for her.
“I’ll shower after you,” he said.
She met his eyes through the mirror and then nodded.
“Don’t take too long,” Yoochun whispered. “The thought of your body, covered in soap, will not produce a situation conducive to talking.”
She flung her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. He shut his eyes and hugged her back. She did not try to keep their bodies from touching.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you, too,” he replied.
She kissed his cheek and then pushed him. “Okay. Go away.”
Yoochun smiled and left the bathroom. He went to the kitchen and decided he was hungry. First, he heated some water for tea, and then put rice in the cooker. He didn’t have much to go with the rice, but he found a discarded package of premade curry (one that he thought was too spicy but would be perfect for Jaehwa) and boiled some water to heat it up.
The shower stopped about twenty minutes later, just as Yoochun was pulling the foil packet of sauce out of the water.
A door opened and then a moment later his bedroom door shut. Yoochun scooped rice onto two plates and then very carefully opened the hot packet. He poured more onto Jaehwa’s plate than his.
There was a scoff behind him and he turned and smiled at Jaehwa. She was still in the shorts he’d let her wear, but she’d thrown on the tank top she had worn earlier. And her hair was wrapped up in the towel.
“What?” Yoochun asked.
“Your culinary skills suck. You better hope you find a girl willing to cook for you.”
Yoochun grinned and covered the distance between them. “I thought I already did.”
She blushed and squirmed. Yoochun laughed and kissed her cheek. They sat down and Jaehwa devoured the rice and curry. As soon as he was done, he pointed to the hot water. “Make some tea. I’m going to go jump in the shower.”
She nodded.
“Don’t leave,” he said, and she looked up at him sharply, eyes narrowed. “A few months ago, you made me promise not to leave, and I didn’t, even though I wanted to. I’m glad I stayed then. And now I’m asking the same. You still have this panicked, nervous feel around you. Please don’t leave.”
Jaehwa bit her lower lip, but she nodded. “I-I won’t. I promise.”
Yoochun walked to her and kissed her cheek. “Give me five minutes.” He hurried to the bathroom. He took the quickest shower of his life, paranoid that she was going to leave. He dried off just as quickly, missed a lot of spots and threw on the sweats. He rubbed his hair with the towel for a moment, tossed it over the shower rod and then went out to the living room.
Jaehwa was sitting on his couch, a blanket over her lap. Her hands wrapped around a teacup, and she met his eyes.
Yoochun smiled and moved to join her. He sat next to her and leaned in for a kiss, which she willingly gave him.
“You’re worried about a situation conducive to talking and you come out of the bathroom half naked and with water droplets all over your chest?”
“Oops.”
Jaehwa laughed.
“I love hearing you laugh.”
“I love hearing you moan.”
Fingers warm from the teacup pinched his nipple and he did moan. “Don’t distract me.”
“You’re the one that came out half naked.”
Yoochun took the blanket from her lap and threw it over his shoulders. “There.”
“Now I’m cold. Heat me up.”
Yoochun growled and captured her lips in a kiss. “Tease. You are … “
She smiled and pushed him away. She set her tea down on the coffee table and then curled up against him. His eyes widened in surprise, but he did not protest. He shifted until they were lying on the couch together and the blanket was over them both.
“I’m going to talk,” she said, “but you can’t interrupt me, okay?”
“Okay.”
Jaehwa sighed. “I hate my body. I hate it. I do everything I can to make it pretty, shave and use lotion so my skin is soft, but it fucking doesn’t matter because I’ll always have … have a … anyway. I just hate it. I don’t like being naked, and I don’t like it when … I don’t like touching it. I hate tucking it too, because that’s just an illusion. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have surgery, get rid of it and have some semblance of girl parts. I don’t know though, because I’ve heard horror stories and … It’s scary. Really, really scary.”
Yoochun tightened his hold on her and pressed a kiss to her damp hair.
“I know it’s not fair to compare you to Yunho, but god, it hurt so much when we broke up. He actually liked me, all of me, because he’s bisexual, but that was part of the problem, because he was okay with my body. He loved it, but I don’t. I hate it. And you, I know you don’t like it. And that makes me feel gross and unwanted. So … really, it’s just fucked up and confusing. And it’s not fair to you, and I love you so much more than I ever loved Yunho.”
“I think the thing I hate most is that I’m making you uncomfortable,” Yoochun whispered. “I love you so much and hurting you makes me feel like a douche bag. I’m trying but … ”
Jaehwa tilted her head up. “But you’re straight.”
“Am I? I’m so attracted to you. I love your smile and your eyes and your shoulders and your chest and your stomach and your legs and your feet and your hands and your ass and your arms.”
“Just not my penis.”
Yoochun’s eyes shut and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m trying.”
She resettled against him. “I know. I’m not being fair to you. My therapist says I should get surgery.”
“Why?”
“He says it’ll be easier for me if I do.”
“Will it?”
“I don’t know. He says since I hate it so much I should just cut it off.”
Yoochun sighed. “That won’t fix everything, love. It’s like ripping off a scab. After awhile, it’ll leave a scar. And … I don’t know, Jaehwa. You’ve already said you don’t want to have the surgery.”
“Do you want me to get surgery?”
Yoochun didn’t reply at first. He cupped her cheek and tilted her head up. “No.”
She looked confused.
“I wouldn’t want you to do something you don’t want to do. And according to some websites, it’s not the same as a regular girl anyway. I don’t think you’d feel any more comfortable with some fake ass pussy.”
Jaehwa snorted. “It’s … it’s been so hard, just stuck in the middle, not a boy, not a girl. In high school the only friend I had was Junsu. Even now I don’t have girlfriends, because … well, I’m so worried about them finding out about me and gossiping about it, and girls can be bitches.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck in the middle with me,” Yoochun said carefully. “I know what you have and what you don’t have, and I’m still here, so am I straight? Probably not anymore, I mean, you should have seen my first reaction to Yunho. He’s tall and strong, and attractive, and well, maybe I am kind of gay, because he looks hot in a suit.”
Jaehwa laughed. “Yeah. He is really hot.”
“And because you think that, are you gay?”
She froze and looked up at him. “No. I’m straight. I like guys.”
“Then so am I, because I like girls.” He leaned down and kissed her lightly. “And you are my girl. My pretty, adorable girl. Beautiful and strong, and I don’t think you’re weak. You’ve had a rough life, and you’ve grown from it, and you are who you are no matter what other people say. I love that about you. I’ve never dated a girl like you before, one that is so comfortable with themselves. You really are, I know you don’t think so, but annoying boy part aside, you are a girl. I think your therapist concentrates too much on you being a boy. And you aren’t. Junsu and I both think you should ditch him. Go talk to someone else. Just to see.”
“I know, but … I don’t want to go to some woman. They’re even worse.”
“So go to a different man. Not all of us are douche bags.”
Jaehwa scoffed and smiled.
“A woman might understand you better and help you accept what you can’t change about yourself. You’re such a strong person, Jaehwa. You shouldn’t be subjected to someone telling you that you’re less amazing than you are.”
Her cheeks went red and she looked away. “Your bias is showing.”
“Maybe, but you know what you like and what you don’t like, and you go for it. All the time. Girls can be bitches, but they can also be insecure and annoying. I’ve dated girls before that have taken all my compliments and turned them into insults, or claimed that I was lying. I hate that. You don’t do that. I like that when I call you beautiful, you know that I’m not lying.”
“You may not be lying, but you’re still bias.”
“I think it’s okay for me to be bias about my girlfriend.”
“I love it when you call me your girlfriend.”
“I love you being my girlfriend.” Yoochun kissed her again, hands running through her hair. “Let’s go back to bed. I love falling asleep with you in my arms.”
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
“YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM?”
Yoochun winced and said to Changmin, “Well, there go my balls. See you later.” He stood up but arms went around his waist and lips pressed against the back of his neck.
“No way. You are not leaving me to his wrath,” Jaehwa said.
“I CAN’T BELIVE YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM!” Junsu paced in the small kitchen, arms waving around while he made noises of distress.
Jaehwa spun around, and with hands on her hips, said, “Well, he’s my boyfriend! Haven’t you had sex with Changmin?”
“Well, yeah, but-“
Changmin spit out his coffee. “Junsu!”
Yoochun looked at Changmin, eyebrows raised. “Interesting.”
“Shut up, hyung.” Changmin met his eyes, but blushed darkly.
“Sorry, Min, but really, Jae! What the hell?”
Yoochun turned his attention to Junsu. “What is wrong with you? I’ve been dating Jaehwa for almost a year now.”
“I know but-she … you and …”
“Junsu,” Jaehwa said very carefully, and Junsu glanced guiltily at Changmin. “You told him.”
“No, I didn’t. I never would, Jae, you know that.”
The two best friends stared at each other for a moment.
“Why do I feel like I’m missing something?” Changmin asked.
“Because you are,” Jaehwa said. “A smart boyfriend. God, shut up, Junsu. It was fine. I’m fine.”
“Fine?” Yoochun protested.
Changmin laughed.
“Yah! Donsaeng, you want to die?”
Jaehwa moved to Yoochun and pressed a kiss to his lips. “More than fine, and I’m half tempted to drag you to my room for more, but I have to change my clothes and get caffeinated. Are you working today?” she asked Junsu.
“Yes. We were about to leave when you two got here.”
“Wait for me,” she said to Yoochun, “and we’ll go get some coffee.”
“You’re going to leave me alone to face the wrath of your best friend?”
Jaehwa grinned. “You’re a tough man, and he’s a nancy gay boy. You can take him.”
“Hey!” Junsu protested.
Jaehwa laughed and spun around. She blew a kiss to Junsu and left the kitchen.
Changmin leered at him. “About fucking time, Casanova.”
“Shut up, Min. She’s had a shitty past and I wasn’t going to force her.”
“Still took you a year. I’m surprised Little Yoochun hasn’t fallen off from disuse. So how was it?”
“Fine,” Yoochun said, looking over at Junsu.
“Oh, come on, man, you always give me details, except with Jaehwa.”
“Well, she’s special. And why am I getting questioned?” Yoochun asked. “Huh, Mister Straight Man.”
Junsu snorted.
Changmin shut his mouth.
“Yeah, I thought so,” Yoochun said.
“Seriously,” Junsu said. “It was okay? She was okay?”
“Yes, Junsu, it was okay. She was okay. We talked a lot afterwards, and we are okay.”
Junsu’s lip quirked. “And you’re still straight?”
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Um, have you seen my girlfriend? Prettiest angel on Earth.”
“Yeah, she is.”
“How’d you convince Changmin to fuck you?” Yoochun asked and ignored Changmin’s outrageous protest.
“I told you before,” Junsu said. “He likes my ass. It wasn’t hard.”
“Yes, it was,” Changmin muttered. “For almost an hour.”
Junsu threw his head back and laughed. Yoochun chuckled and smacked his dongsaeng’s shoulder.
“I’m going to be late for work,” Junsu said and pulled on Changmin’s arm. “I don’t know how long it’s going to take for Jaehwa to get ready, so we’ll see you at the café.”
Yoochun waited until the door shut and then went down the hall. He knocked on Jaehwa’s closed door. “Can I come in?”
“Yes, it’s open.”
Yoochun opened the door and stepped in quickly. “MinSu are going to meet us at the café. What are you doing?”
Jaehwa was standing in front of her mirror wearing only purple tights and a rainbow print bra. She pouted. “I can’t decide what to wear.”
“That looks sexy.”
She smiled. “You were complaining about people ogling me yesterday. I think it would be worse if I wore only this.”
“Who said we had to go out?”
“Need to be caffeinated, remember?”
“Right.”
Jaehwa huffed and went to her closet. She was gone for only a moment and then emerged wearing a gray, sweater-dress that hit her mid-thigh. She wrapped a thick sparkly belt around her waist.
“Beautiful,” Yoochun whispered.
Jaehwa smiled at him through the mirror. “I was going to ask if I should wear my hair up or down, but you’re biased.” She pulled it up, and then let it fall again.”You don’t mind if I wear heels, do you?”
“No, why would I?”
“Because I’m taller than you in heels.”
“So? Your legs are amazing in heels.”
She smiled, not looking at him, and her cheeks went pink.
“Are you ever going to just accept a compliment about how beautiful you are and not blush?”
“Probably not.”
“I guess that’s okay. You’re beautiful when you blush.”
“Yah!” She spun around and stalked by him and out the door.
Yoochun chuckled and followed after her. She was by the front door, pulling on black boots with a spike heel. He thought of keeping his distance, and then changed his mind and sidled up next to her. She moved and almost fell over, but he put a hand around her hips and let his other hand slip under the dress.
“Chunnie-ah,” she whined and looked up at him.
“Your fault for being beautiful.”
She straightened and their lips met. Yoochun wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling their bodies flush. Her breath sped up, but Yoochun held her tightly, not letting her pull away. She relaxed into the kiss, sighing softly into his mouth.
“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.
Yoochun snorted. “Other way around, love.”
“Would you be willing to meet my mother?”
Yoochun froze, pulling away to look at the vulnerable look in her eyes. “Yes. Would you meet mine?”
She tilted her head. “You’d introduce me?”
“She’s been harping on me for about six months to bring you over. ‘who’s this new girl you’re dating?’ ‘why haven’t I met her?’ ‘when are you getting married?’ ‘you better not get married until I meet her!’ It’s been a little insane.”
Jaehwa smiled and then her eyes went wide. “Married?”
Yoochun chuckled. “It’s my mother. She wants grandchildren and she wants them soon. I can’t help it.”
Jaehwa bit down on her lower lip.
Yoochun licked it and then sucked it into his mouth. “Don’t worry, love. You’re worrying about that now. Please, don’t.”
“B-but I can’t have … I can’t give you children.”
“I know. There are a lot of children in this world that don’t have homes. So there are options. But really. This is way too soon for discussions like this.”
“I don’t think it is. It’s important to you, and to your family and I can’t … I can’t … Chunnie-ah, I can’t …”
Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and kissed her softly. “Please, don’t worry about it right now, all right?”
Jaehwa nodded, but Yoochun could tell she wasn’t convinced. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go get some coffee.” He released her and she straightened her dress. He grabbed her army jacket and held it out for her to slip on.
“I love you,” she said quietly.
Yoochun kissed her neck. “I love you.”
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 8: The Situation
Part 6: The Conflict
Part 5: The Setback
Part 4: The Date
Part 3: The Wait
Part 2: The Talk
Part 1: The Secret
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 7: The Promise
Yoochun woke up slowly. Everything around him was dark, and there was a warm body in his arms. But the warm body was shivering, and muffled cries echoed around him.
Yoochun moaned, body pleasantly sore.
Jaehwa froze.
Yoochun kissed her shoulder and then shifted so she was on her back and he was half on his stomach and half laying on her. His arm was around her waist. He kissed her collarbone.
Her chest hitched with a quick inhale.
“I love you,” Yoochun murmured, sleepy and content against her skin.
Jaehwa whimpered, but Yoochun ignored it and kept talking. “I love you so much. And I’m glad you’re being patient with me. And I’m so glad you haven’t left me. You probably should have found someone that can accept you for who you are, instead of someone like me who keeps making you feel insecure and disgusted with yourself.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, and I think my favorite part of last night was watching you come, because you’re so beautiful when you’re unrestrained. You’re beautiful with your skin flushed. I love that you let me see you like that, I love that you trust me and love me enough to really let go.”
Shaking fingers ran through his hair, and Yoochun smiled. After a few minutes, he whispered, “Why are you crying?”
“Just the usual,” she said, but did not elaborate.
Yoochun propped up on a hand and found her lips in the dark. “Excuse me for feeling insecure, but I can’t say I’ve had a girl cry after giving her two amazing orgasms.”
Jaehwa snorted. “It’s not about you all the time.”
“I know. But you won’t tell me when it’s about you, so I’m going to assume that it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Talk to me, Jae-love, please.”
She remained quiet.
“Do you want to get up, shower and have some tea?”
“Y-yes.”
Yoochun thought about asking to shower together, but figured that’d be pushing it. He pressed one more kiss to her lips and then rolled over. His fingers found his lamp and he winced at the sudden bright light. His skin was sticky with dried sweat and come. Standing, he turned around. Jaehwa was sitting up. She was clutching a blanket to her chest, covering her almost completely. Yoochun frowned and held out his hands. She shook her head.
Yoochun smiled and leaned down and kissed her briefly. “I accept you for who you are,” he said. “I always have and I always will.”
She nodded, biting her lower lip. Her hair was all over the place and there were lots of purple and red splotches on her shoulders and chest.
Yoochun ran his finger over one particularly prominent bite mark. “Oops. Sorry.”
Her smile was fleeting, and she turned her head and kissed his hand.
Yoochun smiled and cupped her cheek. He kissed her one more time and then turned and found a pair of sweatpants for himself, and a pair of his shorts for her. She slipped them on without moving the blanket. Yoochun said nothing, but this time when he held out his hand, she let him pull her up. He put his arm around her shoulders, kissed her cheek and then led her into the living room and across to the bathroom. He reluctantly let her go, and then found a clean towel for her.
“I’ll shower after you,” he said.
She met his eyes through the mirror and then nodded.
“Don’t take too long,” Yoochun whispered. “The thought of your body, covered in soap, will not produce a situation conducive to talking.”
She flung her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. He shut his eyes and hugged her back. She did not try to keep their bodies from touching.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you, too,” he replied.
She kissed his cheek and then pushed him. “Okay. Go away.”
Yoochun smiled and left the bathroom. He went to the kitchen and decided he was hungry. First, he heated some water for tea, and then put rice in the cooker. He didn’t have much to go with the rice, but he found a discarded package of premade curry (one that he thought was too spicy but would be perfect for Jaehwa) and boiled some water to heat it up.
The shower stopped about twenty minutes later, just as Yoochun was pulling the foil packet of sauce out of the water.
A door opened and then a moment later his bedroom door shut. Yoochun scooped rice onto two plates and then very carefully opened the hot packet. He poured more onto Jaehwa’s plate than his.
There was a scoff behind him and he turned and smiled at Jaehwa. She was still in the shorts he’d let her wear, but she’d thrown on the tank top she had worn earlier. And her hair was wrapped up in the towel.
“What?” Yoochun asked.
“Your culinary skills suck. You better hope you find a girl willing to cook for you.”
Yoochun grinned and covered the distance between them. “I thought I already did.”
She blushed and squirmed. Yoochun laughed and kissed her cheek. They sat down and Jaehwa devoured the rice and curry. As soon as he was done, he pointed to the hot water. “Make some tea. I’m going to go jump in the shower.”
She nodded.
“Don’t leave,” he said, and she looked up at him sharply, eyes narrowed. “A few months ago, you made me promise not to leave, and I didn’t, even though I wanted to. I’m glad I stayed then. And now I’m asking the same. You still have this panicked, nervous feel around you. Please don’t leave.”
Jaehwa bit her lower lip, but she nodded. “I-I won’t. I promise.”
Yoochun walked to her and kissed her cheek. “Give me five minutes.” He hurried to the bathroom. He took the quickest shower of his life, paranoid that she was going to leave. He dried off just as quickly, missed a lot of spots and threw on the sweats. He rubbed his hair with the towel for a moment, tossed it over the shower rod and then went out to the living room.
Jaehwa was sitting on his couch, a blanket over her lap. Her hands wrapped around a teacup, and she met his eyes.
Yoochun smiled and moved to join her. He sat next to her and leaned in for a kiss, which she willingly gave him.
“You’re worried about a situation conducive to talking and you come out of the bathroom half naked and with water droplets all over your chest?”
“Oops.”
Jaehwa laughed.
“I love hearing you laugh.”
“I love hearing you moan.”
Fingers warm from the teacup pinched his nipple and he did moan. “Don’t distract me.”
“You’re the one that came out half naked.”
Yoochun took the blanket from her lap and threw it over his shoulders. “There.”
“Now I’m cold. Heat me up.”
Yoochun growled and captured her lips in a kiss. “Tease. You are … “
She smiled and pushed him away. She set her tea down on the coffee table and then curled up against him. His eyes widened in surprise, but he did not protest. He shifted until they were lying on the couch together and the blanket was over them both.
“I’m going to talk,” she said, “but you can’t interrupt me, okay?”
“Okay.”
Jaehwa sighed. “I hate my body. I hate it. I do everything I can to make it pretty, shave and use lotion so my skin is soft, but it fucking doesn’t matter because I’ll always have … have a … anyway. I just hate it. I don’t like being naked, and I don’t like it when … I don’t like touching it. I hate tucking it too, because that’s just an illusion. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have surgery, get rid of it and have some semblance of girl parts. I don’t know though, because I’ve heard horror stories and … It’s scary. Really, really scary.”
Yoochun tightened his hold on her and pressed a kiss to her damp hair.
“I know it’s not fair to compare you to Yunho, but god, it hurt so much when we broke up. He actually liked me, all of me, because he’s bisexual, but that was part of the problem, because he was okay with my body. He loved it, but I don’t. I hate it. And you, I know you don’t like it. And that makes me feel gross and unwanted. So … really, it’s just fucked up and confusing. And it’s not fair to you, and I love you so much more than I ever loved Yunho.”
“I think the thing I hate most is that I’m making you uncomfortable,” Yoochun whispered. “I love you so much and hurting you makes me feel like a douche bag. I’m trying but … ”
Jaehwa tilted her head up. “But you’re straight.”
“Am I? I’m so attracted to you. I love your smile and your eyes and your shoulders and your chest and your stomach and your legs and your feet and your hands and your ass and your arms.”
“Just not my penis.”
Yoochun’s eyes shut and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m trying.”
She resettled against him. “I know. I’m not being fair to you. My therapist says I should get surgery.”
“Why?”
“He says it’ll be easier for me if I do.”
“Will it?”
“I don’t know. He says since I hate it so much I should just cut it off.”
Yoochun sighed. “That won’t fix everything, love. It’s like ripping off a scab. After awhile, it’ll leave a scar. And … I don’t know, Jaehwa. You’ve already said you don’t want to have the surgery.”
“Do you want me to get surgery?”
Yoochun didn’t reply at first. He cupped her cheek and tilted her head up. “No.”
She looked confused.
“I wouldn’t want you to do something you don’t want to do. And according to some websites, it’s not the same as a regular girl anyway. I don’t think you’d feel any more comfortable with some fake ass pussy.”
Jaehwa snorted. “It’s … it’s been so hard, just stuck in the middle, not a boy, not a girl. In high school the only friend I had was Junsu. Even now I don’t have girlfriends, because … well, I’m so worried about them finding out about me and gossiping about it, and girls can be bitches.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck in the middle with me,” Yoochun said carefully. “I know what you have and what you don’t have, and I’m still here, so am I straight? Probably not anymore, I mean, you should have seen my first reaction to Yunho. He’s tall and strong, and attractive, and well, maybe I am kind of gay, because he looks hot in a suit.”
Jaehwa laughed. “Yeah. He is really hot.”
“And because you think that, are you gay?”
She froze and looked up at him. “No. I’m straight. I like guys.”
“Then so am I, because I like girls.” He leaned down and kissed her lightly. “And you are my girl. My pretty, adorable girl. Beautiful and strong, and I don’t think you’re weak. You’ve had a rough life, and you’ve grown from it, and you are who you are no matter what other people say. I love that about you. I’ve never dated a girl like you before, one that is so comfortable with themselves. You really are, I know you don’t think so, but annoying boy part aside, you are a girl. I think your therapist concentrates too much on you being a boy. And you aren’t. Junsu and I both think you should ditch him. Go talk to someone else. Just to see.”
“I know, but … I don’t want to go to some woman. They’re even worse.”
“So go to a different man. Not all of us are douche bags.”
Jaehwa scoffed and smiled.
“A woman might understand you better and help you accept what you can’t change about yourself. You’re such a strong person, Jaehwa. You shouldn’t be subjected to someone telling you that you’re less amazing than you are.”
Her cheeks went red and she looked away. “Your bias is showing.”
“Maybe, but you know what you like and what you don’t like, and you go for it. All the time. Girls can be bitches, but they can also be insecure and annoying. I’ve dated girls before that have taken all my compliments and turned them into insults, or claimed that I was lying. I hate that. You don’t do that. I like that when I call you beautiful, you know that I’m not lying.”
“You may not be lying, but you’re still bias.”
“I think it’s okay for me to be bias about my girlfriend.”
“I love it when you call me your girlfriend.”
“I love you being my girlfriend.” Yoochun kissed her again, hands running through her hair. “Let’s go back to bed. I love falling asleep with you in my arms.”
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
“YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM?”
Yoochun winced and said to Changmin, “Well, there go my balls. See you later.” He stood up but arms went around his waist and lips pressed against the back of his neck.
“No way. You are not leaving me to his wrath,” Jaehwa said.
“I CAN’T BELIVE YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM!” Junsu paced in the small kitchen, arms waving around while he made noises of distress.
Jaehwa spun around, and with hands on her hips, said, “Well, he’s my boyfriend! Haven’t you had sex with Changmin?”
“Well, yeah, but-“
Changmin spit out his coffee. “Junsu!”
Yoochun looked at Changmin, eyebrows raised. “Interesting.”
“Shut up, hyung.” Changmin met his eyes, but blushed darkly.
“Sorry, Min, but really, Jae! What the hell?”
Yoochun turned his attention to Junsu. “What is wrong with you? I’ve been dating Jaehwa for almost a year now.”
“I know but-she … you and …”
“Junsu,” Jaehwa said very carefully, and Junsu glanced guiltily at Changmin. “You told him.”
“No, I didn’t. I never would, Jae, you know that.”
The two best friends stared at each other for a moment.
“Why do I feel like I’m missing something?” Changmin asked.
“Because you are,” Jaehwa said. “A smart boyfriend. God, shut up, Junsu. It was fine. I’m fine.”
“Fine?” Yoochun protested.
Changmin laughed.
“Yah! Donsaeng, you want to die?”
Jaehwa moved to Yoochun and pressed a kiss to his lips. “More than fine, and I’m half tempted to drag you to my room for more, but I have to change my clothes and get caffeinated. Are you working today?” she asked Junsu.
“Yes. We were about to leave when you two got here.”
“Wait for me,” she said to Yoochun, “and we’ll go get some coffee.”
“You’re going to leave me alone to face the wrath of your best friend?”
Jaehwa grinned. “You’re a tough man, and he’s a nancy gay boy. You can take him.”
“Hey!” Junsu protested.
Jaehwa laughed and spun around. She blew a kiss to Junsu and left the kitchen.
Changmin leered at him. “About fucking time, Casanova.”
“Shut up, Min. She’s had a shitty past and I wasn’t going to force her.”
“Still took you a year. I’m surprised Little Yoochun hasn’t fallen off from disuse. So how was it?”
“Fine,” Yoochun said, looking over at Junsu.
“Oh, come on, man, you always give me details, except with Jaehwa.”
“Well, she’s special. And why am I getting questioned?” Yoochun asked. “Huh, Mister Straight Man.”
Junsu snorted.
Changmin shut his mouth.
“Yeah, I thought so,” Yoochun said.
“Seriously,” Junsu said. “It was okay? She was okay?”
“Yes, Junsu, it was okay. She was okay. We talked a lot afterwards, and we are okay.”
Junsu’s lip quirked. “And you’re still straight?”
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Um, have you seen my girlfriend? Prettiest angel on Earth.”
“Yeah, she is.”
“How’d you convince Changmin to fuck you?” Yoochun asked and ignored Changmin’s outrageous protest.
“I told you before,” Junsu said. “He likes my ass. It wasn’t hard.”
“Yes, it was,” Changmin muttered. “For almost an hour.”
Junsu threw his head back and laughed. Yoochun chuckled and smacked his dongsaeng’s shoulder.
“I’m going to be late for work,” Junsu said and pulled on Changmin’s arm. “I don’t know how long it’s going to take for Jaehwa to get ready, so we’ll see you at the café.”
Yoochun waited until the door shut and then went down the hall. He knocked on Jaehwa’s closed door. “Can I come in?”
“Yes, it’s open.”
Yoochun opened the door and stepped in quickly. “MinSu are going to meet us at the café. What are you doing?”
Jaehwa was standing in front of her mirror wearing only purple tights and a rainbow print bra. She pouted. “I can’t decide what to wear.”
“That looks sexy.”
She smiled. “You were complaining about people ogling me yesterday. I think it would be worse if I wore only this.”
“Who said we had to go out?”
“Need to be caffeinated, remember?”
“Right.”
Jaehwa huffed and went to her closet. She was gone for only a moment and then emerged wearing a gray, sweater-dress that hit her mid-thigh. She wrapped a thick sparkly belt around her waist.
“Beautiful,” Yoochun whispered.
Jaehwa smiled at him through the mirror. “I was going to ask if I should wear my hair up or down, but you’re biased.” She pulled it up, and then let it fall again.”You don’t mind if I wear heels, do you?”
“No, why would I?”
“Because I’m taller than you in heels.”
“So? Your legs are amazing in heels.”
She smiled, not looking at him, and her cheeks went pink.
“Are you ever going to just accept a compliment about how beautiful you are and not blush?”
“Probably not.”
“I guess that’s okay. You’re beautiful when you blush.”
“Yah!” She spun around and stalked by him and out the door.
Yoochun chuckled and followed after her. She was by the front door, pulling on black boots with a spike heel. He thought of keeping his distance, and then changed his mind and sidled up next to her. She moved and almost fell over, but he put a hand around her hips and let his other hand slip under the dress.
“Chunnie-ah,” she whined and looked up at him.
“Your fault for being beautiful.”
She straightened and their lips met. Yoochun wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling their bodies flush. Her breath sped up, but Yoochun held her tightly, not letting her pull away. She relaxed into the kiss, sighing softly into his mouth.
“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.
Yoochun snorted. “Other way around, love.”
“Would you be willing to meet my mother?”
Yoochun froze, pulling away to look at the vulnerable look in her eyes. “Yes. Would you meet mine?”
She tilted her head. “You’d introduce me?”
“She’s been harping on me for about six months to bring you over. ‘who’s this new girl you’re dating?’ ‘why haven’t I met her?’ ‘when are you getting married?’ ‘you better not get married until I meet her!’ It’s been a little insane.”
Jaehwa smiled and then her eyes went wide. “Married?”
Yoochun chuckled. “It’s my mother. She wants grandchildren and she wants them soon. I can’t help it.”
Jaehwa bit down on her lower lip.
Yoochun licked it and then sucked it into his mouth. “Don’t worry, love. You’re worrying about that now. Please, don’t.”
“B-but I can’t have … I can’t give you children.”
“I know. There are a lot of children in this world that don’t have homes. So there are options. But really. This is way too soon for discussions like this.”
“I don’t think it is. It’s important to you, and to your family and I can’t … I can’t … Chunnie-ah, I can’t …”
Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and kissed her softly. “Please, don’t worry about it right now, all right?”
Jaehwa nodded, but Yoochun could tell she wasn’t convinced. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go get some coffee.” He released her and she straightened her dress. He grabbed her army jacket and held it out for her to slip on.
“I love you,” she said quietly.
Yoochun kissed her neck. “I love you.”
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 8: The Situation
Part 6: The Conflict
Part 5: The Setback
Part 4: The Date
Part 3: The Wait
Part 2: The Talk
Part 1: The Secret
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