Skin You're In 5/?
Title: Skin You're In 5/?
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 5: The Setback
Yoochun woke up under a heavy blanket. He smiled, remembering probably the best date he’d ever had and rolled over. To an empty bed.
He frowned, and sat up, blinking life into his eyes. At least he was still in Jaehwa’s bed, and she hadn’t kicked him out. He got up and realized he was still naked. All he had here were his dress slacks. He picked up his boxers from the floor and slipped them on. He went to Jaehwa’s dresser and dug around, looking for pajama bottoms that might fit him. He found a blue pair with skulls all over them. They definitely were too big for her, and he wondered for a moment if they had been Yunho’s. Shrugging, he pulled them on, and then carefully opened the door.
There was noise coming from the kitchen. He made his way there and found Jaehwa dancing again. She had earbuds in and she lip-synched as her hips swayed back and forth. Her hair was up in a bun and she bobbed her head back and forth with the beat. She was at the stove, stirring something.
And something stirred in Yoochun’s pants as he watched that ass shimmy in short pink shorts. She was wearing a skimpy green lacy tank top. She spotted him as soon as he moved into the kitchen, she smiled and he smiled and then gathered her up against his body. His hands easily found her ass and he pulled her tightly against him, kissing her deeply.
She froze for a moment and then kissed him back.
“You’re going to make me ruin your breakfast,” she said.
“Hmm, want you for breakfast.”
She laughed and pushed him away. He moved, but only around her back, so she was pressed against her chest. His hand slipped under the band of the shorts, and his fingers caressed the dip of her hip. She shivered, but not in a good way, and he hastily moved them up, under her tank top and against her flat stomach. But the damage was done and she squirmed out of his hold, no longer smiling, and went back to the stove.
“I’m sorry,” Yoochun said quickly.
She smiled slightly and shook her head. “Not your fault.”
“It is if I make you uncomfortable.”
“And you’re not uncomfortable?”
“No.”
Jaehwa spun around. “This doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” She ran her hand around her front, and Yoochun glanced down at the erection making a tiny tent in the shorts.
“N-no,” he said, voice shaking, and looked back at her face.
She cringed and turned back to the stove.
Yoochun stepped toward her, but her body tensed and he stopped. He wasn’t sure how to have this conversation. Yunho didn’t give him any pointers on this, and he hadn’t expected to have it for awhile, especially after last night.
After a moment, she nodded and went back to the stove. Yoochun wondered what to do now. She pointed to a coffee maker, and he sighed and went about fixing himself a cup. She had made them omelets and toast, and he ate everything on his plate. She picked at her food for a little while.
Yoochun frowned, wanting to see her smile. He took her fork, and she looked up, confused. With a smile, he put a bite of omelet on the fork and then held it up for her. She gave him a very long suffering “what the hell are you doing” look.
“Open up for the train,” he said and made choo choo noise while moving the fork to her mouth.
She burst into surprised laughter and curled into his body. Their legs wrapped together. Yoochun set the fork down and held her.
“Oh, god, why do I love you?” she asked.
Yoochun ran his hands up and down her back. “Because I am adorable.”
“That you are. And you’re a brat.”
“Can this adorable brat use your shower?”
“Yes.” She pulled away, arms around his shoulders and frowned. “You’re not leaving, are you?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
“Okay. What do you want?”
Jaehwa bit her lower lip.
“Consider today an extension of yesterday’s date.”
“Movies?” she said, hopeful.
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Fine, but you can’t change your clothes. Those are my new favorite pair of shorts.”
“Damn. Okay.”
Yoochun pressed a kiss to her lips and then stood up. “And eat your breakfast. It’s really good.”
Jaehwa laughed and swatted his ass as he walked by.
Yoochun took a quick shower and put the same sleep pants back on. He went into the living room and found Jaehwa already there, curled up under her fluffy rainbow blanket that Junsu had given her when they were seventeen.
She smiled up at him and moved so he could climb in behind her. There was already some sappy love story playing, and instead of watching it, Yoochun put his face at Jaehwa’s neck and shut his eyes.
“You’re not watching it,” Jaehwa whined.
“Nope. I’m focusing on the most important, beautiful thing in the room.”
Jaehwa snorted, but didn’t protest when Yoochun’s arm dropped over her middle. His fingers played with the top of the shorts, but he did not try to go under them this time.
“You’re distracting,” she said a few minutes later and rolled over to face him.
Yoochun noticed that she pulled her hips away from his, but his hand was now on her ass. Those little shorts rode up and he brushed his fingers over the bare curve of her ass. She shivered, fingers clenching against his chest.
“Chunnie-ah.” Her mouth opened with a quiet moan and Yoochun leaned forward to lick at her lips. He got a better grip on her ass, his own breath catching as his fingers dipped into the cleft. She whimpered, pushing back on his hand. Yoochun didn’t think she was protesting. He moved his fingers lightly, testing and when she moaned, he went further. Her leg lifted, knee bent, and settled over his thigh, spreading herself, and Yoochun moaned into their kiss when the tips of his fingers rubbed over her puckered entrance. He moved his other hand, to hold her steady, but she shook her head.
Jaehwa took his wrist in her hand and opened her mouth. Her tongue swirled over his finger, over and over. Their eyes locked and Yoochun swallowed roughly.
“Please, please. Please.”
Yoochun nodded and licked at her tongue as she licked his finger. She gasped and kissed him. He pulled his hand away from her mouth and slipped it under the blanket. She moved a little closer to him, and her entire body shook as his slick finger found her cleft. He ran it lightly over her entrance, listening to her whine. Her leg moved up, pretty much to his waist, and Yoochun decided he could tease her later. He pressed the pad of his finger into her body. She froze, hissing and then relaxing and muttering for more.
Yoochun kissed her, eager tongue and lips fighting over and around each other. His finger moved at a slower pace, in and out, shallow and quick. It was too dry, so he pulled his finger back, added more spit to it and then pushed it in deeper. He spun it around, twisting and probing, deeper.
“A-another, please, another one.”
Yoochun gripped her ass tightly, more for his support than hers, and a second finger pushed inside her tight body. He slowed, feeling the drag. He wanted to get his fingers wet again, but her body was shuddering under his touches, her mouth open and closing silently. Every inch of her was on high alert, twitching. Her pale skin flushed with heat and pleasure. She closed her mouth around Yoochun’s shoulder, shaking roughly.
Yoochun rubbed her ass with his other hand, down her thigh, and very carefully, he spread his fingers as he pulled them out, twisting as he pushed them back in.
Jaehwa keened, noise muffled but alluring, and after only a few more touches of his fingers deep inside her, she shook, gasped and jerked, panting through her orgasm.
Yoochun smiled when her body went slack and she slumped against him, inhaling deeply. He kissed her forehead, her cheek. He moved his fingers, grinning as her body tightened around them. And then she froze and tried to move away.
“Don’t hide from me, please,” Yoochun whispered.
Jaehwa kept her face hidden and shook her head.
Yoochun sighed and let her roll off the couch. She landed roughly, and then scrambled out of the living room. Yoochun let out a frustrated breath. His eyes fell on the television. The main characters were kissing for the first time.
After Jaehwa did not reappear for five minutes, Yoochun stood up. He found her in her bed, curled up with a pillow, crying. Yoochun climbed into the bed with her, ignoring the way she tensed up.
“My love, please,” Yoochun whispered, curling up behind her.
He said nothing else and held her until her tears stopped.
“This is so hard,” she whispered.
“Why?”
“Because … because …” She blew hair out of her face and let him wipe her tears. “It feels like … feels like it’s too good to be true, and no matter how great everything is, you’re not really … you don’t really …”
“I love you.”
Jaehwa sighed. “I know, but for how long?” She finally turned, lay on her back and then faced him. Her fingers gripped the top of the sleep pants. “These are Yunho’s.”
“I figured,” Yoochun said. “Did he tell you that we had a chat a few weeks ago?”
She pulled away, eyes wide. “You … and him, and … you talked to each other?”
“Blame Junsu.”
She snorted. “I blame Junsu for a lot of things. What did you talk to Yunho about?”
“You.”
“Well, duh.”
“And sex.”
She blushed and looked away. “And?”
“And it didn’t change anything, and only made me want you more.” Yoochun kissed her. She responded slowly and they kissed for a long time. Yoochun kept his hands above her pants.
“I love you,” Yoochun said and moved hair from her face.
She finally smiled and said, “I love you, but … but I’m really afraid of scaring you off.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of too,” Yoochun said. “I want you to tell me if I do something that you don’t like. I don’t want to have to guess.”
“I’ll try.” She made a face and rubbed her cheeks. “God, I feel gross.”
“You’re welcome.”
Jaehwa laughed. “I’m going to go take a shower. Promise you won’t leave?”
“I promise I won’t leave.”
Jaehwa bit her lip and then nodded. She pressed a kiss to Yoochun’s lips and then rolled out of bed. Yoochun’s eyes found the stain on her pink shorts, and then he looked up at the rest of her body.
Jaehwa was watching him. Her hands hooked under the hem of her tank top and she lifted it over her head. Shaking, she took off the shorts, not turning away from him this time.
Yoochun held his breath and his heart sped up, thumping in his chest. The shorts were gone, and she turned away and left the room, leaving him very breathless.
Yunho was right about one thing, her penis was really small. But small or not, it was still there.
Yoochun let out the breath he was holding and covered his face. His dick had been hard most of the day, from her touches and teasing, but now … now that he had the image of a penis in his mind, a penis on his girlfriend’s body, his erection was evaporating. He cupped his cock, but it stayed stubbornly soft.
With a frustrated growl, he rolled off the bed. He wanted to run away, think about this, but he promised Jaehwa he wouldn’t. He suddenly understood her fears about him leaving, about this not working out.
It didn’t seem like it would be a problem before, but Yoochun had been deluding himself. He was not attracted to men. He was attracted to women, and to a woman’s body. Jaehwa did not have a woman’s body. The breast thing wasn’t a big deal because not all women had big boobs, but it was everything else. Yoochun loved eating a girl out, sliding fingers into a slick wet pussy. Pushing his dick in and feeling her muscles clamp around him.
He wouldn’t have that with Jaehwa.
Yes, he’d come last night with her, but that was from a blow job, and after over a year of nothing. He wanted it to be because of her. And that wasn’t fair. It was because of her. He loved her.
He stalked to her dresser and in the drawer he found the pants in, found a threadbare tank top. He thought of putting it on and then decided he didn’t want to remind Jaehwa of Yunho even more. So instead, he found one of her pajama shirts, an oversized thing with Sailor Moon on it. He slipped it over his body.
Yoochun went to the kitchen and tried to think about this. He gripped the counter, knuckles white. He loved her, more than he’d ever loved anyone before. But was that enough? Would he be able to accept her the way she was, penis and all? It was easier to say yes to that question before he actually saw it. It was easy to say yes when he ignored its existence.
“You’re frowning,” Jaehwa whispered behind him.
He turned and wanted to smile. She was wearing a yellow tank top and sweatpants. Her hair was wrapped in a towel on top of her head.
“We really need to talk,” Yoochun said and moved toward her.
Her face filled with alarm, and her lower lip quivered.
“Don’t cry,” Yoochun said quickly. “Not … don’t think …”
He tried to grab her, but she spun out of his arms and a moment later her bedroom door slammed. He sighed and knocked. “Jaehwa? Let me in.”
She didn’t answer.
“Look, you don’t talk to me, you don’t tell me how you’re feeling. I can’t read your mind, you know. I said I need to talk to you because I do. I don’t know how to do this. I love you, I love you so much, but … I’m not gay, Jaehwa, and I know you’re a girl, and you’re very pretty, and I love everything about you. But you have a dick, and I’m sorry if I find that a little off putting. It doesn’t help that you hate it too. I can’t … I can’t do this if you never let me touch you, if you don’t let me explore you. It’s part of you, and part of who you are, and I want to love all of you.”
Yoochun broke off and sighed. He leaned his head on the cool wooden door. “Please talk to me.”
Minutes passed, and Yoochun didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t want to leave, and he had promised Jaehwa he wouldn’t. He leaned against the wall by the door and slid down it, eyes shut. He hadn’t cried for a very long time, and wondered if he would now. His heart hurt enough that he might. He’d betrayed her in a way. But she had to understand that this was difficult for him.
Yoochun had no idea how much time had passed before he heard the front door open. Footsteps came down the hall, and Junsu stopped, surprised to see him.
“What did you do?”
“I don’t even know,” Yoochun said, voice raspy. “She won’t talk to me, and I’m … I want to be attracted to all of her, but she … it’s frustrating.”
Junsu smirked. “No kidding. So she’s in a ‘I’m ugly and unworthy’ sort of mood.” He knocked on the door. “Jae-baby? Let me in.”
“No.”
“Jae, you’re the one who sent me an S.O.S text, now let me in. Let us in. You need to talk to Yoochun.”
“No. Tell him to go away. He hates me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Yoochun said. “I love you.”
“Do you want some tea, Jae-baby?” Junsu asked.
Yoochun held his breath, and let it out when Jaehwa whispered, “Yes.”
Junsu nodded at him and jerked his head toward the kitchen. “All right, tell me what happened.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
Junsu snorted as he started making tea.
Yoochun sighed and told them about their date, Jaehwa’s dress and his perpetual hard on. He glossed over the blow job and explained how Jaehwa freaked out after she came. Junsu nodded in understanding and told him to continue. Yoochun told him what happened on the couch, and then in the bedroom.
“So she left you hard and alone and you tried to jerk off and you couldn’t?”
“And that is why it’s embarrassing.”
“Did you tell her that?”
Yoochun tried to think if he said that and shook his head. “I told her we had to talk and she ran to her bedroom.”
Junsu frowned and didn’t say anything as he put a pouch of tea in a mug that had the faces of the SHINee members on it. He poured hot water in, and then leaned against the counter. “You need to figure your shit out.”
Yoochun opened his mouth, but Junsu shook his head. “Think about her for a second. Do you really think she should bare herself to you, let you ‘figure out’ if you like the one part of her body that she hates the most, by letting you touch her?”
Yoochun sighed. “It would help.”
“Or ruin everything, and make Jaehwa feel even more disgusted with her body. She hates being trapped in a boy’s body.”
“I don’t know what to do, Junsu.”
Junsu lead them back down the hall, still frowning, deep in thought. He tried the door, and it was unlocked. Silently, he held out the teacup and saucer. Yoochun stared at it, and then took it slowly.
“I’m not sure if you’re capable of this or not, but don’t do anything stupid,” Junsu whispered and headed down the hall.
Yoochun nodded. He counted to ten and slowly pushed open the door. Jaehwa looked up from the bed and then buried under her blanket with a tiny cry. Yoochun sat on the bed and waited. The cup clinked from his shaking hands. After a moment, Jaehwa moved the blanket, revealing bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. She looked away as she sat up and covered herself completely in the blanket. She held her hands out and Yoochun gave her the tea.
Yoochun wasn’t sure what to say. Apologizing seemed like a good idea. But he wasn’t sure for what.
He tried anyway.
“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings,” he whispered, “and for making you feel unwanted.”
“You’re not gay, I get it.”
“Neither are you, but you’re attracted to me. And I’m attracted to you.”
“Don’t patronize me, please.”
“I won’t lie to you,” Yoochun said. “But-“
“Why don’t you just go now, before … before … just go away now, before it all falls apart later.”
“I don’t want to leave,” Yoochun said and moved so he was kneeling in front of her. “I can’t leave. I love you so much that my heart hurts because I hurt you.”
Jaehwa glanced up, biting on her lower lip.
“Please just … just let me touch-“
“No.”
Yoochun sighed. He should have known better than to ask. Yunho had said not to acknowledge it and here Yoochun was, after their first sexual encounter, trying to make her come to terms with it.
“I fail you at every turn, don’t I?’ he whispered.
Her hand shook and Yoochun took the teacup and put it on the dresser before she could drop it.
She wrung her hands together, over and around. Yoochun gently took her hands and unthreaded her fingers. He brought them to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I’m sorry, my love. Please let me have another chance.”
“With a freak.” She tried to pull her hands away but Yoochun wouldn’t let her go.
He shook his head. “I don’t think you’re a freak. You’re you, and everything about you makes up who you are. I love you, and when I say that to you, I have to mean all of you. If I didn’t mean all of you, then I would be a liar. I love all of you. I do. I want to move forward with you, and love you, and please, Jaehwa, let me love all of you.”
Her chest hitched and she looked down. “I have too many issues. I hate my body. I hate it.”
“I know, and I understand why you hate it. Can I show you how much I love it?”
She looked up, eyes narrowed.
Yoochun smiled. “I want to kiss you and touch you and lick your nipples again.”
She inhaled shakily and her eyes shut with a quiet whimper.
Yoochun leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “And I want to slide my fingers inside you again.” He licked that same spot. “And maybe, push my tongue-”
Jaehwa flung the blankets off her body and jumped into Yoochun’s arms. Yoochun oofed, caught her and fell to the bed. Their lips mashed together and Jaehwa kissed him roughly, much like she had before. Yoochun did not mind at all.
“You look horrible in this,” she muttered and tugged at the pajama shirt.
Yoochun chuckled. “It looks way cuter on you.”
“You sure you’re okay with this?” she whispered. “With me?”
“Yes. Why would I not be?”
Jaehwa sighed and looked up at him.
He rolled his eyes and gestured to his crotch. “Beautiful girl devouring my mouth makes my cock hard, so yes, please.”
“Brat,” she muttered and went back to licking his lips.
“Adorable brat,” he corrected.
She laughed and kissed him.
Junsu knocked on the door. “You two better not be fucking because I’m coming in.”
Yoochun sighed and Jaehwa put her face at his neck. The door opened.
“Okay, good. All made up.”
Jaehwa smiled at Yoochun and nodded. “Yeah. For now.”
“For now?” Yoochun protested.
Jaehwa shrugged, but didn’t say anything else. She rolled over and sat on the end of the bed. She held out her hands and Junsu grabbed them and pulled her up into a hug. He moved her hair and whispered something in her ear. She shook her head, and Junsu glanced at Yoochun.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing. Just surprised you didn’t fuck this up more.”
“Men,” Jaehwa said sarcastically and moved past Junsu and out the door.
Yoochun sighed and lay back on the bed.
“You going to stick around?”
“In general, or tonight?”
“Both, I guess.”
“Yes, and I don’t know. Should I?”
Junsu thought about it and nodded. “If you leave, she’ll probably think you were abandoning her. But if you stay, you’re going to have to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary.”
“Oh god, the things I do for that girl.”
Part 6: The Conflict
Part 4: The Date
Part 3: The Wait
Part 2: The Talk
Part 1: The Secret
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 5: The Setback
Yoochun woke up under a heavy blanket. He smiled, remembering probably the best date he’d ever had and rolled over. To an empty bed.
He frowned, and sat up, blinking life into his eyes. At least he was still in Jaehwa’s bed, and she hadn’t kicked him out. He got up and realized he was still naked. All he had here were his dress slacks. He picked up his boxers from the floor and slipped them on. He went to Jaehwa’s dresser and dug around, looking for pajama bottoms that might fit him. He found a blue pair with skulls all over them. They definitely were too big for her, and he wondered for a moment if they had been Yunho’s. Shrugging, he pulled them on, and then carefully opened the door.
There was noise coming from the kitchen. He made his way there and found Jaehwa dancing again. She had earbuds in and she lip-synched as her hips swayed back and forth. Her hair was up in a bun and she bobbed her head back and forth with the beat. She was at the stove, stirring something.
And something stirred in Yoochun’s pants as he watched that ass shimmy in short pink shorts. She was wearing a skimpy green lacy tank top. She spotted him as soon as he moved into the kitchen, she smiled and he smiled and then gathered her up against his body. His hands easily found her ass and he pulled her tightly against him, kissing her deeply.
She froze for a moment and then kissed him back.
“You’re going to make me ruin your breakfast,” she said.
“Hmm, want you for breakfast.”
She laughed and pushed him away. He moved, but only around her back, so she was pressed against her chest. His hand slipped under the band of the shorts, and his fingers caressed the dip of her hip. She shivered, but not in a good way, and he hastily moved them up, under her tank top and against her flat stomach. But the damage was done and she squirmed out of his hold, no longer smiling, and went back to the stove.
“I’m sorry,” Yoochun said quickly.
She smiled slightly and shook her head. “Not your fault.”
“It is if I make you uncomfortable.”
“And you’re not uncomfortable?”
“No.”
Jaehwa spun around. “This doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” She ran her hand around her front, and Yoochun glanced down at the erection making a tiny tent in the shorts.
“N-no,” he said, voice shaking, and looked back at her face.
She cringed and turned back to the stove.
Yoochun stepped toward her, but her body tensed and he stopped. He wasn’t sure how to have this conversation. Yunho didn’t give him any pointers on this, and he hadn’t expected to have it for awhile, especially after last night.
After a moment, she nodded and went back to the stove. Yoochun wondered what to do now. She pointed to a coffee maker, and he sighed and went about fixing himself a cup. She had made them omelets and toast, and he ate everything on his plate. She picked at her food for a little while.
Yoochun frowned, wanting to see her smile. He took her fork, and she looked up, confused. With a smile, he put a bite of omelet on the fork and then held it up for her. She gave him a very long suffering “what the hell are you doing” look.
“Open up for the train,” he said and made choo choo noise while moving the fork to her mouth.
She burst into surprised laughter and curled into his body. Their legs wrapped together. Yoochun set the fork down and held her.
“Oh, god, why do I love you?” she asked.
Yoochun ran his hands up and down her back. “Because I am adorable.”
“That you are. And you’re a brat.”
“Can this adorable brat use your shower?”
“Yes.” She pulled away, arms around his shoulders and frowned. “You’re not leaving, are you?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
“Okay. What do you want?”
Jaehwa bit her lower lip.
“Consider today an extension of yesterday’s date.”
“Movies?” she said, hopeful.
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Fine, but you can’t change your clothes. Those are my new favorite pair of shorts.”
“Damn. Okay.”
Yoochun pressed a kiss to her lips and then stood up. “And eat your breakfast. It’s really good.”
Jaehwa laughed and swatted his ass as he walked by.
Yoochun took a quick shower and put the same sleep pants back on. He went into the living room and found Jaehwa already there, curled up under her fluffy rainbow blanket that Junsu had given her when they were seventeen.
She smiled up at him and moved so he could climb in behind her. There was already some sappy love story playing, and instead of watching it, Yoochun put his face at Jaehwa’s neck and shut his eyes.
“You’re not watching it,” Jaehwa whined.
“Nope. I’m focusing on the most important, beautiful thing in the room.”
Jaehwa snorted, but didn’t protest when Yoochun’s arm dropped over her middle. His fingers played with the top of the shorts, but he did not try to go under them this time.
“You’re distracting,” she said a few minutes later and rolled over to face him.
Yoochun noticed that she pulled her hips away from his, but his hand was now on her ass. Those little shorts rode up and he brushed his fingers over the bare curve of her ass. She shivered, fingers clenching against his chest.
“Chunnie-ah.” Her mouth opened with a quiet moan and Yoochun leaned forward to lick at her lips. He got a better grip on her ass, his own breath catching as his fingers dipped into the cleft. She whimpered, pushing back on his hand. Yoochun didn’t think she was protesting. He moved his fingers lightly, testing and when she moaned, he went further. Her leg lifted, knee bent, and settled over his thigh, spreading herself, and Yoochun moaned into their kiss when the tips of his fingers rubbed over her puckered entrance. He moved his other hand, to hold her steady, but she shook her head.
Jaehwa took his wrist in her hand and opened her mouth. Her tongue swirled over his finger, over and over. Their eyes locked and Yoochun swallowed roughly.
“Please, please. Please.”
Yoochun nodded and licked at her tongue as she licked his finger. She gasped and kissed him. He pulled his hand away from her mouth and slipped it under the blanket. She moved a little closer to him, and her entire body shook as his slick finger found her cleft. He ran it lightly over her entrance, listening to her whine. Her leg moved up, pretty much to his waist, and Yoochun decided he could tease her later. He pressed the pad of his finger into her body. She froze, hissing and then relaxing and muttering for more.
Yoochun kissed her, eager tongue and lips fighting over and around each other. His finger moved at a slower pace, in and out, shallow and quick. It was too dry, so he pulled his finger back, added more spit to it and then pushed it in deeper. He spun it around, twisting and probing, deeper.
“A-another, please, another one.”
Yoochun gripped her ass tightly, more for his support than hers, and a second finger pushed inside her tight body. He slowed, feeling the drag. He wanted to get his fingers wet again, but her body was shuddering under his touches, her mouth open and closing silently. Every inch of her was on high alert, twitching. Her pale skin flushed with heat and pleasure. She closed her mouth around Yoochun’s shoulder, shaking roughly.
Yoochun rubbed her ass with his other hand, down her thigh, and very carefully, he spread his fingers as he pulled them out, twisting as he pushed them back in.
Jaehwa keened, noise muffled but alluring, and after only a few more touches of his fingers deep inside her, she shook, gasped and jerked, panting through her orgasm.
Yoochun smiled when her body went slack and she slumped against him, inhaling deeply. He kissed her forehead, her cheek. He moved his fingers, grinning as her body tightened around them. And then she froze and tried to move away.
“Don’t hide from me, please,” Yoochun whispered.
Jaehwa kept her face hidden and shook her head.
Yoochun sighed and let her roll off the couch. She landed roughly, and then scrambled out of the living room. Yoochun let out a frustrated breath. His eyes fell on the television. The main characters were kissing for the first time.
After Jaehwa did not reappear for five minutes, Yoochun stood up. He found her in her bed, curled up with a pillow, crying. Yoochun climbed into the bed with her, ignoring the way she tensed up.
“My love, please,” Yoochun whispered, curling up behind her.
He said nothing else and held her until her tears stopped.
“This is so hard,” she whispered.
“Why?”
“Because … because …” She blew hair out of her face and let him wipe her tears. “It feels like … feels like it’s too good to be true, and no matter how great everything is, you’re not really … you don’t really …”
“I love you.”
Jaehwa sighed. “I know, but for how long?” She finally turned, lay on her back and then faced him. Her fingers gripped the top of the sleep pants. “These are Yunho’s.”
“I figured,” Yoochun said. “Did he tell you that we had a chat a few weeks ago?”
She pulled away, eyes wide. “You … and him, and … you talked to each other?”
“Blame Junsu.”
She snorted. “I blame Junsu for a lot of things. What did you talk to Yunho about?”
“You.”
“Well, duh.”
“And sex.”
She blushed and looked away. “And?”
“And it didn’t change anything, and only made me want you more.” Yoochun kissed her. She responded slowly and they kissed for a long time. Yoochun kept his hands above her pants.
“I love you,” Yoochun said and moved hair from her face.
She finally smiled and said, “I love you, but … but I’m really afraid of scaring you off.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of too,” Yoochun said. “I want you to tell me if I do something that you don’t like. I don’t want to have to guess.”
“I’ll try.” She made a face and rubbed her cheeks. “God, I feel gross.”
“You’re welcome.”
Jaehwa laughed. “I’m going to go take a shower. Promise you won’t leave?”
“I promise I won’t leave.”
Jaehwa bit her lip and then nodded. She pressed a kiss to Yoochun’s lips and then rolled out of bed. Yoochun’s eyes found the stain on her pink shorts, and then he looked up at the rest of her body.
Jaehwa was watching him. Her hands hooked under the hem of her tank top and she lifted it over her head. Shaking, she took off the shorts, not turning away from him this time.
Yoochun held his breath and his heart sped up, thumping in his chest. The shorts were gone, and she turned away and left the room, leaving him very breathless.
Yunho was right about one thing, her penis was really small. But small or not, it was still there.
Yoochun let out the breath he was holding and covered his face. His dick had been hard most of the day, from her touches and teasing, but now … now that he had the image of a penis in his mind, a penis on his girlfriend’s body, his erection was evaporating. He cupped his cock, but it stayed stubbornly soft.
With a frustrated growl, he rolled off the bed. He wanted to run away, think about this, but he promised Jaehwa he wouldn’t. He suddenly understood her fears about him leaving, about this not working out.
It didn’t seem like it would be a problem before, but Yoochun had been deluding himself. He was not attracted to men. He was attracted to women, and to a woman’s body. Jaehwa did not have a woman’s body. The breast thing wasn’t a big deal because not all women had big boobs, but it was everything else. Yoochun loved eating a girl out, sliding fingers into a slick wet pussy. Pushing his dick in and feeling her muscles clamp around him.
He wouldn’t have that with Jaehwa.
Yes, he’d come last night with her, but that was from a blow job, and after over a year of nothing. He wanted it to be because of her. And that wasn’t fair. It was because of her. He loved her.
He stalked to her dresser and in the drawer he found the pants in, found a threadbare tank top. He thought of putting it on and then decided he didn’t want to remind Jaehwa of Yunho even more. So instead, he found one of her pajama shirts, an oversized thing with Sailor Moon on it. He slipped it over his body.
Yoochun went to the kitchen and tried to think about this. He gripped the counter, knuckles white. He loved her, more than he’d ever loved anyone before. But was that enough? Would he be able to accept her the way she was, penis and all? It was easier to say yes to that question before he actually saw it. It was easy to say yes when he ignored its existence.
“You’re frowning,” Jaehwa whispered behind him.
He turned and wanted to smile. She was wearing a yellow tank top and sweatpants. Her hair was wrapped in a towel on top of her head.
“We really need to talk,” Yoochun said and moved toward her.
Her face filled with alarm, and her lower lip quivered.
“Don’t cry,” Yoochun said quickly. “Not … don’t think …”
He tried to grab her, but she spun out of his arms and a moment later her bedroom door slammed. He sighed and knocked. “Jaehwa? Let me in.”
She didn’t answer.
“Look, you don’t talk to me, you don’t tell me how you’re feeling. I can’t read your mind, you know. I said I need to talk to you because I do. I don’t know how to do this. I love you, I love you so much, but … I’m not gay, Jaehwa, and I know you’re a girl, and you’re very pretty, and I love everything about you. But you have a dick, and I’m sorry if I find that a little off putting. It doesn’t help that you hate it too. I can’t … I can’t do this if you never let me touch you, if you don’t let me explore you. It’s part of you, and part of who you are, and I want to love all of you.”
Yoochun broke off and sighed. He leaned his head on the cool wooden door. “Please talk to me.”
Minutes passed, and Yoochun didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t want to leave, and he had promised Jaehwa he wouldn’t. He leaned against the wall by the door and slid down it, eyes shut. He hadn’t cried for a very long time, and wondered if he would now. His heart hurt enough that he might. He’d betrayed her in a way. But she had to understand that this was difficult for him.
Yoochun had no idea how much time had passed before he heard the front door open. Footsteps came down the hall, and Junsu stopped, surprised to see him.
“What did you do?”
“I don’t even know,” Yoochun said, voice raspy. “She won’t talk to me, and I’m … I want to be attracted to all of her, but she … it’s frustrating.”
Junsu smirked. “No kidding. So she’s in a ‘I’m ugly and unworthy’ sort of mood.” He knocked on the door. “Jae-baby? Let me in.”
“No.”
“Jae, you’re the one who sent me an S.O.S text, now let me in. Let us in. You need to talk to Yoochun.”
“No. Tell him to go away. He hates me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Yoochun said. “I love you.”
“Do you want some tea, Jae-baby?” Junsu asked.
Yoochun held his breath, and let it out when Jaehwa whispered, “Yes.”
Junsu nodded at him and jerked his head toward the kitchen. “All right, tell me what happened.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
Junsu snorted as he started making tea.
Yoochun sighed and told them about their date, Jaehwa’s dress and his perpetual hard on. He glossed over the blow job and explained how Jaehwa freaked out after she came. Junsu nodded in understanding and told him to continue. Yoochun told him what happened on the couch, and then in the bedroom.
“So she left you hard and alone and you tried to jerk off and you couldn’t?”
“And that is why it’s embarrassing.”
“Did you tell her that?”
Yoochun tried to think if he said that and shook his head. “I told her we had to talk and she ran to her bedroom.”
Junsu frowned and didn’t say anything as he put a pouch of tea in a mug that had the faces of the SHINee members on it. He poured hot water in, and then leaned against the counter. “You need to figure your shit out.”
Yoochun opened his mouth, but Junsu shook his head. “Think about her for a second. Do you really think she should bare herself to you, let you ‘figure out’ if you like the one part of her body that she hates the most, by letting you touch her?”
Yoochun sighed. “It would help.”
“Or ruin everything, and make Jaehwa feel even more disgusted with her body. She hates being trapped in a boy’s body.”
“I don’t know what to do, Junsu.”
Junsu lead them back down the hall, still frowning, deep in thought. He tried the door, and it was unlocked. Silently, he held out the teacup and saucer. Yoochun stared at it, and then took it slowly.
“I’m not sure if you’re capable of this or not, but don’t do anything stupid,” Junsu whispered and headed down the hall.
Yoochun nodded. He counted to ten and slowly pushed open the door. Jaehwa looked up from the bed and then buried under her blanket with a tiny cry. Yoochun sat on the bed and waited. The cup clinked from his shaking hands. After a moment, Jaehwa moved the blanket, revealing bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. She looked away as she sat up and covered herself completely in the blanket. She held her hands out and Yoochun gave her the tea.
Yoochun wasn’t sure what to say. Apologizing seemed like a good idea. But he wasn’t sure for what.
He tried anyway.
“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings,” he whispered, “and for making you feel unwanted.”
“You’re not gay, I get it.”
“Neither are you, but you’re attracted to me. And I’m attracted to you.”
“Don’t patronize me, please.”
“I won’t lie to you,” Yoochun said. “But-“
“Why don’t you just go now, before … before … just go away now, before it all falls apart later.”
“I don’t want to leave,” Yoochun said and moved so he was kneeling in front of her. “I can’t leave. I love you so much that my heart hurts because I hurt you.”
Jaehwa glanced up, biting on her lower lip.
“Please just … just let me touch-“
“No.”
Yoochun sighed. He should have known better than to ask. Yunho had said not to acknowledge it and here Yoochun was, after their first sexual encounter, trying to make her come to terms with it.
“I fail you at every turn, don’t I?’ he whispered.
Her hand shook and Yoochun took the teacup and put it on the dresser before she could drop it.
She wrung her hands together, over and around. Yoochun gently took her hands and unthreaded her fingers. He brought them to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I’m sorry, my love. Please let me have another chance.”
“With a freak.” She tried to pull her hands away but Yoochun wouldn’t let her go.
He shook his head. “I don’t think you’re a freak. You’re you, and everything about you makes up who you are. I love you, and when I say that to you, I have to mean all of you. If I didn’t mean all of you, then I would be a liar. I love all of you. I do. I want to move forward with you, and love you, and please, Jaehwa, let me love all of you.”
Her chest hitched and she looked down. “I have too many issues. I hate my body. I hate it.”
“I know, and I understand why you hate it. Can I show you how much I love it?”
She looked up, eyes narrowed.
Yoochun smiled. “I want to kiss you and touch you and lick your nipples again.”
She inhaled shakily and her eyes shut with a quiet whimper.
Yoochun leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “And I want to slide my fingers inside you again.” He licked that same spot. “And maybe, push my tongue-”
Jaehwa flung the blankets off her body and jumped into Yoochun’s arms. Yoochun oofed, caught her and fell to the bed. Their lips mashed together and Jaehwa kissed him roughly, much like she had before. Yoochun did not mind at all.
“You look horrible in this,” she muttered and tugged at the pajama shirt.
Yoochun chuckled. “It looks way cuter on you.”
“You sure you’re okay with this?” she whispered. “With me?”
“Yes. Why would I not be?”
Jaehwa sighed and looked up at him.
He rolled his eyes and gestured to his crotch. “Beautiful girl devouring my mouth makes my cock hard, so yes, please.”
“Brat,” she muttered and went back to licking his lips.
“Adorable brat,” he corrected.
She laughed and kissed him.
Junsu knocked on the door. “You two better not be fucking because I’m coming in.”
Yoochun sighed and Jaehwa put her face at his neck. The door opened.
“Okay, good. All made up.”
Jaehwa smiled at Yoochun and nodded. “Yeah. For now.”
“For now?” Yoochun protested.
Jaehwa shrugged, but didn’t say anything else. She rolled over and sat on the end of the bed. She held out her hands and Junsu grabbed them and pulled her up into a hug. He moved her hair and whispered something in her ear. She shook her head, and Junsu glanced at Yoochun.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing. Just surprised you didn’t fuck this up more.”
“Men,” Jaehwa said sarcastically and moved past Junsu and out the door.
Yoochun sighed and lay back on the bed.
“You going to stick around?”
“In general, or tonight?”
“Both, I guess.”
“Yes, and I don’t know. Should I?”
Junsu thought about it and nodded. “If you leave, she’ll probably think you were abandoning her. But if you stay, you’re going to have to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary.”
“Oh god, the things I do for that girl.”
Part 6: The Conflict
Part 4: The Date
Part 3: The Wait
Part 2: The Talk
Part 1: The Secret
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