Skin You're In 2/5?
Title: Skin You're In 2/5?
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 2: The Talk
Yoochun lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling.
He. A He. Jaehwa was a guy.
Yoochun was not a bigoted jerk. He had gay friends, and his younger brother spent the first year of college trying to figure out his sexuality. Yoochun supported him in that. He supported all his friends. He thought about calling Hyunjoong, or even his brother, but this was not his secret to tell.
Jaehwa trusted him. He couldn’t go and destroy that trust just because he was confused.
Yoochun pressed his palms to his closed eyes. He groaned. It was hard to imagine her as a he. He couldn’t. Even when he saw her in jeans, she did not look like a guy. She had a tiny waist and slim shoulders. The only that was missing in what Yoochun usually looked for in women was boobs, but he’d barely noticed that before. She wore clothes that accented the curves she had.
But she was a guy. She was a he under the skirt and long hair and makeup and smiles.
Yoochun wondered if that changed anything. He’d fallen in love with her. With Jaehwa, and did what sexual organs you had really dictate who you were?
Yoochun didn’t think so.
But he’d never, ever been attracted to a guy before. Ever. He wasn’t gay. He didn’t find the male body attractive. He thought Jaehwa was incredibly attractive. Her skin was pale, her legs smooth and shaved. Everything about her screamed femininity. She didn’t even have an Adam’s apple. Or not one that Yoochun had noticed.
His thoughts raced through the night, tumbling around and over each other, confusing him even more.
Jaehwa was a guy.
Or was she?
She had made a choice on how to live her life. She felt more comfortable as a woman, she felt more secure about herself. And Yoochun knew she did. She held her head high, smiled and laughed and walked with a twist in her step, one that made her skirt twist and who was Yoochun to judge her for that?
Yoochun hated wearing ties, they made him uncomfortable; same with corduroy pants. No one judged him for what he chose to wear.
He knew it was more than just clothes that made Jaehwa a woman.
Had she … Yoochun almost whimpered and bunched up his legs. Had she gone through the surgeries? Snippity snipped Mr. Jaehwa away? No, she said she had guy parts, and Yoochun wondered where she hid them. Some of her clothes were really tight. Like those black skinny jeans that just hugged her ass, and … Yoochun moaned and covered his face with a pillow.
He was definitely attracted to Jaehwa. But who was Jaehwa? And could he … He tried to picture her naked (something that he’d done previously) but with a man’s body. It was hard. He was not attracted to men. He put a cute pair of panties on the image in his mind and cursed, because he was attracted to that.
And what was her real name? Again, Yoochun realized he was being unfair. Jaehwa was her real name; maybe not the name she was born with, but the name she went by, and the name who represented her true self.
Yoochun thought back to their conversation and remembered what Jaehwa had said about not seeing herself as male. What did that mean? If she had guy parts, then she had to be male? Right? How do you not see yourself as male when you have a penis?
He fell into a restless sleep near dawn, missed all of his classes and finally dragged himself out of bed at about two. He showered, and quickly dressed. He still had no idea what to do, how to feel, but he wanted to see Jaehwa. He needed to see her, because maybe seeing her and knowing that she wasn’t really a she would help him make his decision. Or it would reaffirm that he liked her, and god, he liked her. Loved her.
He loved her smiles and her laughter and her shyness and her style. She was always well dressed and stunning, and Yoochun would miss the way his breath caught every time he saw her.
And he did see her. As female. He wasn’t sure what that meant for his own sexuality. Did the fact that his girlfriend has a penis mean that he was gay?
God, he was confused. He needed to see her. He barreled down the stairs of his apartment and out the front door. It was raining, but he barely felt the rain and he ran through the streets to Angel Café.
Panicked, he pushed open the door and did a quick sweep of the lobby. Jaehwa wasn’t there, but Junsu was behind the counter.
“Where is she?” Yoochun demanded.
Junsu narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.
“Please,” Yoochun said softer. “Where is she?”
“Home. She wasn’t feeling well.”
“Can I …” Yoochun cursed and looked away.
Junsu snorted and moved to the coffee machine. “What are your intentions, and please remember where you are and don’t say anything stupid?”
“I …” The L Word stuck in his throat. Yoochun so wasn’t ready for that. “I’m worried about her. She …” Yoochun sighed and shook his head. “I need to talk to her.”
Junsu frowned as he poured espresso into the prepared cup. “I don’t think I’ll let you until I know what your intentions are.”
Yoochun opened his mouth to protest, and then remembered the incredibly vulnerable look on Jaehwa’s face when she had told him her secret. Junsu had every right to protect her. And Yoochun was glad there was someone in the world that was there to protect her.
“I like her,” Yoochun finally said.
Junsu’s frown deepened and he looked up, meeting Yoochun’s eyes. “Even after what she told you?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I do. She’s still the same person, isn’t she?”
Junsu looked back at Yoochun’s coffee. He very carefully poured in the steamed milk. His hand was shaking. He put on a lid and handed it to Yoochun. “I will tell her to call you.”
Yoochun swallowed, once again the need to protest coursed through him, but he nodded. “Please. Please. I …”
Junsu nodded. “I know. I have a break in about a half hour. Wait for me and I’ll talk to you.”
Yoochun sighed and nodded. He went to the corner booth, the one he usually cuddled up with Jaehwa in, and waited for Junsu. His hands shook as he brought the coffee up to his lips for a sip. He had a half an hour to try to think of what to say to convince Junsu of his sincerity.
He had to be honest with himself. He was a little weirded out that Jaehwa was a guy, or at least male under the cute clothes, but Yoochun hadn’t seen evidence of that. Jaehwa wore tight jeans and tank tops, and not a single thing about her body looked male. Maybe the fall of her arms, or the boniness of her hips, but she did everything with a feminine flare. She lived as a female. But what did that make her? If she wasn’t either than what was she?
Yoochun wondered how long she had been living as a female, and wondered if this was why she did not like talking about her family or her past. Her life must be insanely difficult. Yoochun took a deep breath and decided that he would not make it worse. He liked Jaehwa, and he didn’t like her any less than he had yesterday before she told him. If anything, she needed someone besides Junsu to help protect her. He could give her that. What she was doing was brave. A little crazy, but brave. Yoochun didn’t think he’d be strong enough.
Yoochun pulled out his phone and sent a text to Jaehwa.
From: Chunnie
/thinking of you/ Junsu says you stayed home today. I hope you’re okay. Please take care of yourself. <3
He hovered over the send option for a long while before tapping it.
This was not going to change anything. He had to prove that to her and to himself.
He waited for a reply, but didn’t expect one. He went to his camera gallery and thumbed through the pictures they took together. Jaehwa was such a camera whore. She loved taking pictures of everything. There was one of their cheeks pressed together, smiling and so close. Yoochun set it as his phone background.
A few minutes later, Junsu sat across from him. He sat a muffin in front of him. “Eat. You’re shaking.”
“Thank you,” Yoochun said and tore off a piece. He hadn’t realized he hadn’t eaten since yesterday.
“Okay, so.”
“I like her,” Yoochun said quickly. “Or … him, I don’t know. What do I call her?”
Junsu’s lips quirked up. “Her. She’s living as a woman.”
“Okay, her. I like her.”
“Have you heard of gender identity disorder?”
Yoochun shook his head. “No.”
“Well, according to Jaehwa’s therapist, she has this. But it’s not really fair to call it a disorder. Jaehwa isn’t crazy. She isn’t doing this because she has some mental illness. There is a lot of controversy surrounding gender dysphoria, and the boundaries of gender are still being debated. Is it a physical thing or is it a mental thing? For Jaehwa, it’s a mental thing.”
“Gender dysphoria?”
“That just means that you hate the gender you were born with and you can’t relate to it. Jaehwa doesn’t know how to be a guy even though she was born as a guy. Her birth name is Kim Jaejoong, and she has eight older sisters. Her therapist says that her sisters influenced her at a young age and that is the reason why Jaehwa is like this.”
“Why is she going to a therapist that is telling her she’s wrong?”
Junsu looked at him and tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
Yoochun glanced away from the intense look and shrugged. “If she’s paying someone to ‘help’ her, then why is she going to someone who says she has a disorder?”
“You’ll have to ask her that,” Junsu said. “I’ve been trying to stop her from going to that douche for about a year now. But she says that his opinions make her think. I think she’s just torturing herself.”
“So it’s not because she has eight older sisters?”
Junsu shook his head. “No. By that reasoning, I should be straight and religious because my perfectly pious twin brother is. People are different. And she’s most definitely different. She has a hard time explaining it to people. She has never felt like a boy. When she was about seven, her father took away all of her girl things and forced her to look like a boy. Her hair was buzzed and she wore jeans and t-shirts. Anything that was deemed feminine was taken away from her. When I met Jaejoong, I knew he was miserable.”
“It’s hard for me to even think of her as a guy.”
“That’s good. She’ll be happy about that. I always thought she acted strange in school, because she wasn’t like all the other guys. By the time I was thirteen, I was having my own issues with trying to figure out why I thought our math teacher was sexy. I asked her about it, and she said that I was probably gay, and she said she thought she might be too, so we started fooling around with each other. The next year, she told me that she thought she was supposed to be a girl. I was confused because if she was a girl then was I really gay? But she laughed at me and said that of course I was gay. At sixteen, her father disowned her. She started letting her hair grow and wore makeup and cuter clothes. A lot of people at school hated her and ridiculed her and a lot of times she’d come to my house covered in bruises either from the boys at school or her dad. Her mom was very worried about her, and when she finished school, her mom did everything she could to help her go to university and move away from her abusive father. She begged me to come with her, and well, now here we are, six years later.”
Yoochun stared, wide eyed at Junsu’s story. His mind tried to process it all. He tried to think of Jaehwa with short hair, in guy’s clothes, and couldn’t.
“Jaehwa takes very low dosages of hormones,” Junsu continued. “She doesn’t like the way they make her feel, but the low dosages help her stay slim and feminine. She likes to be healthy, and works out as I’m sure you’ve noticed. But not to the point that we do. She never went through puberty like all the boys did, or at least, not as harshly. Her voice never changed, she got taller, but not much. It’s like her body fought with her mind, that even though she’s female, her body tried to turn her into a guy, but gave up halfway. She’s always worried about having some late form of puberty, but at this point, she probably won’t. At least, that’s what her doctor says.”
Junsu sighed. “I’m not sure how much she wants me to tell you, and I think she should be telling you this, but she’s a mess right now, and you need to know everything before you decide if you want to continue dating her. Yes, she has a penis.”
Yoochun held up a hand and said, “Wait. I … realize that, but … This is weird talking about this with you.”
Junsu smirked. “It shouldn’t be. I am her best friend. And we love each other.”
“So why aren’t you dating her?”
“I told you before, she’s a little too feminine for me. And she’s not gay.”
Yoochun’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Huh?”
“She’s not gay. Jaehwa sees herself as female, and she is attracted to males. So therefore, she isn’t gay. She isn’t attracted to women at all.”
“Oh god, that’s confusing.”
“It really is.”
“So am I gay?”
Junsu shrugged. “I don’t think so. You’re attracted to Jaehwa and Jaehwa is a girl. So no.”
“But she does have …” Yoochun couldn’t bring himself to say it and gestured at his lap.
Junsu nodded. “Yes. She isn’t sure if she wants surgery or not. It’s a long process, and she’s afraid of hospitals and needles. Some days she says she just wants to take a pair of scissors to herself.”
Yoochun winced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah. So now what?”
Yoochun let out a heavy breath. “Is it okay if I’m not sure?”
“Yes. But don’t string her along. She really likes you.”
“I really like her.”
“Are you worried about what everyone will say?”
“No. She’s a she, right? And only a few people know. It’d be incredibly dick-ish of me to introduce her as my boyfriend.”
Junsu snorted. “Yes, it would.”
“Right now the only thing I’m worried about is Jaehwa.”
“If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be talking to you.”
“She said she had a boyfriend before.”
“Yunho. He is really nice.” Junsu smiled. “Usually, guys give up on her. You were beyond persistent, even more so than Yunho was. After a couple of weeks of being shot down, guys usually ditch Jaehwa for someone else. She does that on purpose obviously. Only you and Yunho have ever been deemed worthy enough to know her secret.”
“What happened with them?”
“Same thing that happens with a lot of couples. They grew apart. It had nothing to do with Jaehwa’s physical attributes. They dated for a year and a half. They’re still friends. Sort of. Yunho will come in here every now and then and make sure Jaehwa is doing okay. She told him about you a couple months ago, and he’s really happy for her, and he hopes you treat her well like he did.”
Yoochun didn’t know how to reply to that. He picked at his empty muffin wrapper, unaware that he had even eaten the entire thing.
Junsu rolled his eyes and took out a set of keys from his pocket. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, and Jaehwa might kill me.” He removed a key from the ring and gave it to Yoochun. “I know I told you to wait until tomorrow, but I don’t think that would be good for either of you. I want that back tonight.”
Yoochun took the key carefully.
“It’s the apartment key. Just let yourself in. Jaehwa is either drunk off her ass on the couch, or she’s in the bathroom singing SHINee songs while she soaks in a bubble bath.”
Yoochun chuckled at the conflicting images, but imaging Jaehwa in either of those situations was funny.
“Don’t fuck this up,” Junsu said and stood up abruptly to go back to work.
Yoochun stared at the key for a moment and then stood up, put his jacket on and slipped the key into his pocket. He shared one more look with Junsu and then headed out of the café. He was worried that Jaehwa wouldn’t think he was serious about her. He was worried that even after all this time, he’d be shot down. The rain had stopped and settled into humid air.
He took out his phone, googled “gender identity disorder” and read the Wikipedia page while walking. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
It was very confusing, especially the history of it. Before yesterday, Yoochun had thought there were males and females. Gays and straights. But if you didn’t feel male and felt female, but you were attracted to males then what did that make you? Or if you were male, and felt female, but you liked women, were you gay, or were you straight?
Yoochun was learning really fast that gender was not as black and white as it seemed. Everything was full of gray areas. He even read a part where a male who felt like a female had the same brain patterns and set up as a female, even if he had a cock and balls.
Why was gender dictated by what was on the outside when everyone else wanted to be known for what was on the inside?
By the time, Yoochun arrived at Junsu and Jaehwa’s apartment, he came to the conclusion that the world was a fucked up place when it came to forcing people to live in the confines of society.
He typed in the door code and let himself into the building. His legs felt like jelly as he trudged up the three flights of stairs. He thought of knocking and instead used the key Junsu had given him. The door opened and his ears were assailed by loud pop music. SHINee.
With a chuckle, he let the door shut and went on a search for his girlfriend.
Jaehwa wasn’t in the bathroom or drunk on the couch. She was in the kitchen, dancing to Lucifer with a plate full of chocolate cake in her hands.
Yoochun leaned against the doorway and watched her dance for a moment, smiling as his heart clenched. He really did love her. No matter who she said she was. And god, she was sexy. All she was wearing were a small pair of blue shorts and an oversized orange t-shirt that hung off one smooth shoulder. Her hair was loose, and still wet, like she’d just climbed from the bathtub. Her long legs were pale and tempting. Even like this, practically naked, and she looked nothing like a boy.
She spun, brought the fork to her mouth and caught sight of him and froze.
Yoochun smiled and walked into the kitchen. She meeped and took a step back, but not too far. Yoochun gently took the cake from her hands and set it on the table.
“That will go right to your hips, darling,” he whispered, and then cupped her face.
Her fleeting smile fell, and she meeped again just before their lips met. Yoochun realized he probably shouldn’t have done that, but Jaehwa did not pull away. Yoochun kept the press of lips for only a few seconds and then slowly withdrew. He never wanted to stop kissing her.
“Why are you so cute?” he whispered and touched her cheek.
Jaehwa blushed and ducked her head. And then her eyes went wide and she shouted, “Oh my god, I’m going to kill Junsu!” before tearing away from him and running down the hall. A door slammed and the music cut off.
Yoochun stood where she left him in shock. He heard loud muttering, and Junsu’s name again, and realized that Jaehwa had called him on the phone. Yoochun snagged a bite of the cake and then went to the living room to wait for her. His phone buzzed.
From: Junsu
YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KISS HER, YOU IDIOT
Yoochun laughed and replied.
From: Yoochun
I’m sure if you walked in on her dancing and singing to Lucifer and eating chocolate cake, you would have kissed her to.
From: Junsu
Okay … you have a point …
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 3: The Wait
Part 1: The Secret
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Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 2: The Talk
Yoochun lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling.
He. A He. Jaehwa was a guy.
Yoochun was not a bigoted jerk. He had gay friends, and his younger brother spent the first year of college trying to figure out his sexuality. Yoochun supported him in that. He supported all his friends. He thought about calling Hyunjoong, or even his brother, but this was not his secret to tell.
Jaehwa trusted him. He couldn’t go and destroy that trust just because he was confused.
Yoochun pressed his palms to his closed eyes. He groaned. It was hard to imagine her as a he. He couldn’t. Even when he saw her in jeans, she did not look like a guy. She had a tiny waist and slim shoulders. The only that was missing in what Yoochun usually looked for in women was boobs, but he’d barely noticed that before. She wore clothes that accented the curves she had.
But she was a guy. She was a he under the skirt and long hair and makeup and smiles.
Yoochun wondered if that changed anything. He’d fallen in love with her. With Jaehwa, and did what sexual organs you had really dictate who you were?
Yoochun didn’t think so.
But he’d never, ever been attracted to a guy before. Ever. He wasn’t gay. He didn’t find the male body attractive. He thought Jaehwa was incredibly attractive. Her skin was pale, her legs smooth and shaved. Everything about her screamed femininity. She didn’t even have an Adam’s apple. Or not one that Yoochun had noticed.
His thoughts raced through the night, tumbling around and over each other, confusing him even more.
Jaehwa was a guy.
Or was she?
She had made a choice on how to live her life. She felt more comfortable as a woman, she felt more secure about herself. And Yoochun knew she did. She held her head high, smiled and laughed and walked with a twist in her step, one that made her skirt twist and who was Yoochun to judge her for that?
Yoochun hated wearing ties, they made him uncomfortable; same with corduroy pants. No one judged him for what he chose to wear.
He knew it was more than just clothes that made Jaehwa a woman.
Had she … Yoochun almost whimpered and bunched up his legs. Had she gone through the surgeries? Snippity snipped Mr. Jaehwa away? No, she said she had guy parts, and Yoochun wondered where she hid them. Some of her clothes were really tight. Like those black skinny jeans that just hugged her ass, and … Yoochun moaned and covered his face with a pillow.
He was definitely attracted to Jaehwa. But who was Jaehwa? And could he … He tried to picture her naked (something that he’d done previously) but with a man’s body. It was hard. He was not attracted to men. He put a cute pair of panties on the image in his mind and cursed, because he was attracted to that.
And what was her real name? Again, Yoochun realized he was being unfair. Jaehwa was her real name; maybe not the name she was born with, but the name she went by, and the name who represented her true self.
Yoochun thought back to their conversation and remembered what Jaehwa had said about not seeing herself as male. What did that mean? If she had guy parts, then she had to be male? Right? How do you not see yourself as male when you have a penis?
He fell into a restless sleep near dawn, missed all of his classes and finally dragged himself out of bed at about two. He showered, and quickly dressed. He still had no idea what to do, how to feel, but he wanted to see Jaehwa. He needed to see her, because maybe seeing her and knowing that she wasn’t really a she would help him make his decision. Or it would reaffirm that he liked her, and god, he liked her. Loved her.
He loved her smiles and her laughter and her shyness and her style. She was always well dressed and stunning, and Yoochun would miss the way his breath caught every time he saw her.
And he did see her. As female. He wasn’t sure what that meant for his own sexuality. Did the fact that his girlfriend has a penis mean that he was gay?
God, he was confused. He needed to see her. He barreled down the stairs of his apartment and out the front door. It was raining, but he barely felt the rain and he ran through the streets to Angel Café.
Panicked, he pushed open the door and did a quick sweep of the lobby. Jaehwa wasn’t there, but Junsu was behind the counter.
“Where is she?” Yoochun demanded.
Junsu narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.
“Please,” Yoochun said softer. “Where is she?”
“Home. She wasn’t feeling well.”
“Can I …” Yoochun cursed and looked away.
Junsu snorted and moved to the coffee machine. “What are your intentions, and please remember where you are and don’t say anything stupid?”
“I …” The L Word stuck in his throat. Yoochun so wasn’t ready for that. “I’m worried about her. She …” Yoochun sighed and shook his head. “I need to talk to her.”
Junsu frowned as he poured espresso into the prepared cup. “I don’t think I’ll let you until I know what your intentions are.”
Yoochun opened his mouth to protest, and then remembered the incredibly vulnerable look on Jaehwa’s face when she had told him her secret. Junsu had every right to protect her. And Yoochun was glad there was someone in the world that was there to protect her.
“I like her,” Yoochun finally said.
Junsu’s frown deepened and he looked up, meeting Yoochun’s eyes. “Even after what she told you?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I do. She’s still the same person, isn’t she?”
Junsu looked back at Yoochun’s coffee. He very carefully poured in the steamed milk. His hand was shaking. He put on a lid and handed it to Yoochun. “I will tell her to call you.”
Yoochun swallowed, once again the need to protest coursed through him, but he nodded. “Please. Please. I …”
Junsu nodded. “I know. I have a break in about a half hour. Wait for me and I’ll talk to you.”
Yoochun sighed and nodded. He went to the corner booth, the one he usually cuddled up with Jaehwa in, and waited for Junsu. His hands shook as he brought the coffee up to his lips for a sip. He had a half an hour to try to think of what to say to convince Junsu of his sincerity.
He had to be honest with himself. He was a little weirded out that Jaehwa was a guy, or at least male under the cute clothes, but Yoochun hadn’t seen evidence of that. Jaehwa wore tight jeans and tank tops, and not a single thing about her body looked male. Maybe the fall of her arms, or the boniness of her hips, but she did everything with a feminine flare. She lived as a female. But what did that make her? If she wasn’t either than what was she?
Yoochun wondered how long she had been living as a female, and wondered if this was why she did not like talking about her family or her past. Her life must be insanely difficult. Yoochun took a deep breath and decided that he would not make it worse. He liked Jaehwa, and he didn’t like her any less than he had yesterday before she told him. If anything, she needed someone besides Junsu to help protect her. He could give her that. What she was doing was brave. A little crazy, but brave. Yoochun didn’t think he’d be strong enough.
Yoochun pulled out his phone and sent a text to Jaehwa.
From: Chunnie
/thinking of you/ Junsu says you stayed home today. I hope you’re okay. Please take care of yourself. <3
He hovered over the send option for a long while before tapping it.
This was not going to change anything. He had to prove that to her and to himself.
He waited for a reply, but didn’t expect one. He went to his camera gallery and thumbed through the pictures they took together. Jaehwa was such a camera whore. She loved taking pictures of everything. There was one of their cheeks pressed together, smiling and so close. Yoochun set it as his phone background.
A few minutes later, Junsu sat across from him. He sat a muffin in front of him. “Eat. You’re shaking.”
“Thank you,” Yoochun said and tore off a piece. He hadn’t realized he hadn’t eaten since yesterday.
“Okay, so.”
“I like her,” Yoochun said quickly. “Or … him, I don’t know. What do I call her?”
Junsu’s lips quirked up. “Her. She’s living as a woman.”
“Okay, her. I like her.”
“Have you heard of gender identity disorder?”
Yoochun shook his head. “No.”
“Well, according to Jaehwa’s therapist, she has this. But it’s not really fair to call it a disorder. Jaehwa isn’t crazy. She isn’t doing this because she has some mental illness. There is a lot of controversy surrounding gender dysphoria, and the boundaries of gender are still being debated. Is it a physical thing or is it a mental thing? For Jaehwa, it’s a mental thing.”
“Gender dysphoria?”
“That just means that you hate the gender you were born with and you can’t relate to it. Jaehwa doesn’t know how to be a guy even though she was born as a guy. Her birth name is Kim Jaejoong, and she has eight older sisters. Her therapist says that her sisters influenced her at a young age and that is the reason why Jaehwa is like this.”
“Why is she going to a therapist that is telling her she’s wrong?”
Junsu looked at him and tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
Yoochun glanced away from the intense look and shrugged. “If she’s paying someone to ‘help’ her, then why is she going to someone who says she has a disorder?”
“You’ll have to ask her that,” Junsu said. “I’ve been trying to stop her from going to that douche for about a year now. But she says that his opinions make her think. I think she’s just torturing herself.”
“So it’s not because she has eight older sisters?”
Junsu shook his head. “No. By that reasoning, I should be straight and religious because my perfectly pious twin brother is. People are different. And she’s most definitely different. She has a hard time explaining it to people. She has never felt like a boy. When she was about seven, her father took away all of her girl things and forced her to look like a boy. Her hair was buzzed and she wore jeans and t-shirts. Anything that was deemed feminine was taken away from her. When I met Jaejoong, I knew he was miserable.”
“It’s hard for me to even think of her as a guy.”
“That’s good. She’ll be happy about that. I always thought she acted strange in school, because she wasn’t like all the other guys. By the time I was thirteen, I was having my own issues with trying to figure out why I thought our math teacher was sexy. I asked her about it, and she said that I was probably gay, and she said she thought she might be too, so we started fooling around with each other. The next year, she told me that she thought she was supposed to be a girl. I was confused because if she was a girl then was I really gay? But she laughed at me and said that of course I was gay. At sixteen, her father disowned her. She started letting her hair grow and wore makeup and cuter clothes. A lot of people at school hated her and ridiculed her and a lot of times she’d come to my house covered in bruises either from the boys at school or her dad. Her mom was very worried about her, and when she finished school, her mom did everything she could to help her go to university and move away from her abusive father. She begged me to come with her, and well, now here we are, six years later.”
Yoochun stared, wide eyed at Junsu’s story. His mind tried to process it all. He tried to think of Jaehwa with short hair, in guy’s clothes, and couldn’t.
“Jaehwa takes very low dosages of hormones,” Junsu continued. “She doesn’t like the way they make her feel, but the low dosages help her stay slim and feminine. She likes to be healthy, and works out as I’m sure you’ve noticed. But not to the point that we do. She never went through puberty like all the boys did, or at least, not as harshly. Her voice never changed, she got taller, but not much. It’s like her body fought with her mind, that even though she’s female, her body tried to turn her into a guy, but gave up halfway. She’s always worried about having some late form of puberty, but at this point, she probably won’t. At least, that’s what her doctor says.”
Junsu sighed. “I’m not sure how much she wants me to tell you, and I think she should be telling you this, but she’s a mess right now, and you need to know everything before you decide if you want to continue dating her. Yes, she has a penis.”
Yoochun held up a hand and said, “Wait. I … realize that, but … This is weird talking about this with you.”
Junsu smirked. “It shouldn’t be. I am her best friend. And we love each other.”
“So why aren’t you dating her?”
“I told you before, she’s a little too feminine for me. And she’s not gay.”
Yoochun’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Huh?”
“She’s not gay. Jaehwa sees herself as female, and she is attracted to males. So therefore, she isn’t gay. She isn’t attracted to women at all.”
“Oh god, that’s confusing.”
“It really is.”
“So am I gay?”
Junsu shrugged. “I don’t think so. You’re attracted to Jaehwa and Jaehwa is a girl. So no.”
“But she does have …” Yoochun couldn’t bring himself to say it and gestured at his lap.
Junsu nodded. “Yes. She isn’t sure if she wants surgery or not. It’s a long process, and she’s afraid of hospitals and needles. Some days she says she just wants to take a pair of scissors to herself.”
Yoochun winced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah. So now what?”
Yoochun let out a heavy breath. “Is it okay if I’m not sure?”
“Yes. But don’t string her along. She really likes you.”
“I really like her.”
“Are you worried about what everyone will say?”
“No. She’s a she, right? And only a few people know. It’d be incredibly dick-ish of me to introduce her as my boyfriend.”
Junsu snorted. “Yes, it would.”
“Right now the only thing I’m worried about is Jaehwa.”
“If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be talking to you.”
“She said she had a boyfriend before.”
“Yunho. He is really nice.” Junsu smiled. “Usually, guys give up on her. You were beyond persistent, even more so than Yunho was. After a couple of weeks of being shot down, guys usually ditch Jaehwa for someone else. She does that on purpose obviously. Only you and Yunho have ever been deemed worthy enough to know her secret.”
“What happened with them?”
“Same thing that happens with a lot of couples. They grew apart. It had nothing to do with Jaehwa’s physical attributes. They dated for a year and a half. They’re still friends. Sort of. Yunho will come in here every now and then and make sure Jaehwa is doing okay. She told him about you a couple months ago, and he’s really happy for her, and he hopes you treat her well like he did.”
Yoochun didn’t know how to reply to that. He picked at his empty muffin wrapper, unaware that he had even eaten the entire thing.
Junsu rolled his eyes and took out a set of keys from his pocket. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, and Jaehwa might kill me.” He removed a key from the ring and gave it to Yoochun. “I know I told you to wait until tomorrow, but I don’t think that would be good for either of you. I want that back tonight.”
Yoochun took the key carefully.
“It’s the apartment key. Just let yourself in. Jaehwa is either drunk off her ass on the couch, or she’s in the bathroom singing SHINee songs while she soaks in a bubble bath.”
Yoochun chuckled at the conflicting images, but imaging Jaehwa in either of those situations was funny.
“Don’t fuck this up,” Junsu said and stood up abruptly to go back to work.
Yoochun stared at the key for a moment and then stood up, put his jacket on and slipped the key into his pocket. He shared one more look with Junsu and then headed out of the café. He was worried that Jaehwa wouldn’t think he was serious about her. He was worried that even after all this time, he’d be shot down. The rain had stopped and settled into humid air.
He took out his phone, googled “gender identity disorder” and read the Wikipedia page while walking. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
It was very confusing, especially the history of it. Before yesterday, Yoochun had thought there were males and females. Gays and straights. But if you didn’t feel male and felt female, but you were attracted to males then what did that make you? Or if you were male, and felt female, but you liked women, were you gay, or were you straight?
Yoochun was learning really fast that gender was not as black and white as it seemed. Everything was full of gray areas. He even read a part where a male who felt like a female had the same brain patterns and set up as a female, even if he had a cock and balls.
Why was gender dictated by what was on the outside when everyone else wanted to be known for what was on the inside?
By the time, Yoochun arrived at Junsu and Jaehwa’s apartment, he came to the conclusion that the world was a fucked up place when it came to forcing people to live in the confines of society.
He typed in the door code and let himself into the building. His legs felt like jelly as he trudged up the three flights of stairs. He thought of knocking and instead used the key Junsu had given him. The door opened and his ears were assailed by loud pop music. SHINee.
With a chuckle, he let the door shut and went on a search for his girlfriend.
Jaehwa wasn’t in the bathroom or drunk on the couch. She was in the kitchen, dancing to Lucifer with a plate full of chocolate cake in her hands.
Yoochun leaned against the doorway and watched her dance for a moment, smiling as his heart clenched. He really did love her. No matter who she said she was. And god, she was sexy. All she was wearing were a small pair of blue shorts and an oversized orange t-shirt that hung off one smooth shoulder. Her hair was loose, and still wet, like she’d just climbed from the bathtub. Her long legs were pale and tempting. Even like this, practically naked, and she looked nothing like a boy.
She spun, brought the fork to her mouth and caught sight of him and froze.
Yoochun smiled and walked into the kitchen. She meeped and took a step back, but not too far. Yoochun gently took the cake from her hands and set it on the table.
“That will go right to your hips, darling,” he whispered, and then cupped her face.
Her fleeting smile fell, and she meeped again just before their lips met. Yoochun realized he probably shouldn’t have done that, but Jaehwa did not pull away. Yoochun kept the press of lips for only a few seconds and then slowly withdrew. He never wanted to stop kissing her.
“Why are you so cute?” he whispered and touched her cheek.
Jaehwa blushed and ducked her head. And then her eyes went wide and she shouted, “Oh my god, I’m going to kill Junsu!” before tearing away from him and running down the hall. A door slammed and the music cut off.
Yoochun stood where she left him in shock. He heard loud muttering, and Junsu’s name again, and realized that Jaehwa had called him on the phone. Yoochun snagged a bite of the cake and then went to the living room to wait for her. His phone buzzed.
From: Junsu
YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KISS HER, YOU IDIOT
Yoochun laughed and replied.
From: Yoochun
I’m sure if you walked in on her dancing and singing to Lucifer and eating chocolate cake, you would have kissed her to.
From: Junsu
Okay … you have a point …
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Part 3: The Wait
Part 1: The Secret
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