Skin You're In 12/?
Title: Skin You're In 12/?
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 12: The Meeting
From Yo-dongsaeng: Yo-hyung! Late lunch today?
From Yo-hyung: Can’t. I’m meeting with Jaehwa at 12:30
From Yo-dongsaeng: Don’t you have class at 1?
From Yo-hyung: Yes, but this is more important than class.
From Yo-dongsaeng: Sex is more important than class? You’re such a bad example.
Yoochun laughed and flagged down a taxi. He gave him the address to Jaehwa’s therapist’s office and then replied to his brother.
From Yo-hyung: Do as I say, not as I do.
From Yo-dongsaeng: Is that some sort of sexual joke?
From Yo-hyung: Pervert.
From Yo-dongsaeng: Learned from the best.
The cab pulled up to a high rise office building in the middle of town. Yoochun paid him with a thanks, and got out. Jaehwa was waiting for him next to a revolving door. She wore a pink skirt that fell past her knees. Contrasting sharply with the color was her olive army jacket and those combat boots. The air was warmer than was normal for November and she had on a tan, knit sweater that hung past her hips. In her hand was a tray with three cups of coffee, all with the Angel Café logo printed on the side.
“For you, love,” she said, pointing to one of the cups.
“Thank you,” Yoochun said, but kissed her cheek before taking the coffee.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, why?’
“I was expecting you to back out of this.”
“Why would I?” Yoochun asked and put his arm around her waist to direct her into the building.
“You’re a guy, and guys don’t like therapy.”
Yoochun smiled. “Guys only don’t like therapy when they know they’ve done something wrong.”
Jaehwa laughed. She led them to the elevator and they rode up in silence. Yoochun shut his eyes and inhaled deeply. His girlfriend always smelled so pretty. They arrived at the eleventh floor, and Jaehwa led the way into the lobby. She waved at the receptionist who was on the phone, and the receptionist smiled and indicated that they could go into the room.
Yoochun noticed Jaehwa’s shoulders tensing slightly as she walked into the therapist’s office.
The woman at the desk was beautiful. Lithe and stunning, she had long black hair, straight all the way to her elbows. She wore a navy dress suit and classic heels. She smiled and said hello to Jaehwa.
“I brought you a latte.”
“Thank you, Jaehwa-shi. It’s amazing how good the coffee is at Angel Café.”
After swallowing nervously, Jaehwa turned and introduced her to Yoochun.
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Doctor Lee,” Yoochun said and bowed.
Doctor Lee bowed back. “You too, Park Yoochun-shi. I am very happy that there is someone in Jaehwa’s life that loves her for who she is.”
“I do. Combat boots and all.”
“What’s wrong with my boots?” Jaehwa asked, hands on her hips.
Yoochun laughed. “Nothing. You know I love them.”
Doctor Lee smiled and gestured to two chairs for them to sit. Yoochun noted that there was no couch in this therapist’s office, and the colors were shades of pinks, creams and greens, soothing, but not obviously though.
“So Yoochun-shi, Jaehwa says you’re almost done with your Bachelor’s degree in Business Management.”
“I graduate in the spring.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“What plans after?”
Yoochun shrugged. “I’ll probably start working toward an MBA, or specialize in restaurant management. My mother has a gelato shop and I do most of her business work. She wants to expand.”
“A worthy goal. May I ask how Jaehwa fits into your future plans?”
Yoochun looked over at his girlfriend and smiled, “In any way she wants to.”
“And that means?”
Yoochun turned back to Doctor Lee. “Maybe you should ask her that?”
Jaehwa cleared her throat. “We-we haven’t really made any firm plans, but we … I don’t know. Yoochun-ah?”
With a smile, Yoochun reached between their chairs and took Jaehwa’s hand. “Junsu does have a point about you spending more time at my apartment than at yours.”
Jaehwa looked away, eyes downcast. She nibbled on her lower lip and whispered, “I’m not ready yet.”
“I know.”
Doctor Lee examined them closely. “Have you talked about moving in together before?”
“No,” Yoochun said.
“Why not? You’ve been dating for almost two years, right?”
“A year and a half,” Jaehwa muttered.
“Does it feel too soon in your relationship?”
Yoochun stiffened at the tone of the question and Jaehwa looked at him with wide eyes. His confident girlfriend was quickly withdrawing into her insecurity. She tugged at the sleeves of her sweater.
“I don’t think it matters what ‘soon’ means,” Yoochun said carefully. “We haven’t talked about it, and the last relationship Jaehwa had, they broke up right after discussing moving in together, so I can understand her hesitation, and I’m pretty sure my mother would kill me. We’ll move in together when it’s right for us, not in whatever timeframe is deemed by society.”
Doctor Lee smiled. “Jaehwa did say you’re a practical person.”
Jaehwa squeezed his hand.
“Jaehwa and I have only met twice,” Doctor Lee continued. “We’ve talked about her school and a little bit about her childhood, but besides only mentioning she had a boyfriend, and basic details, she did not say much about you. So let’s start with you.”
Yoochun stayed quiet for a moment. “And that means …”
Jaehwa snorted.
Yoochun smiled at her, squeezing her hand back. She shifted in the chair, leaning toward Yoochun with her legs crossed, coffee cup up to her face.
“Do you want me to talk about my childhood?”
Doctor Lee smiled. “Only if it comes up, but I meant in regards to Jaehwa and how you met.”
Yoochun raised his coffee cup. “I went into Angel Café with a friend and fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world and probably in the heavens too.”
Jaehwa blushed.
“So attraction was pretty instantaneous.”
“Yeah. Jaehwa is beautiful.” He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I asked her out probably every day for four months until she finally said yes.”
“Why did you try so hard?”
Yoochun kept his eyes on Jaehwa, even though she was looking at her lap. “Her smile, her laugh, her attitude. I knew within the first week that she was a strong girl and she wouldn’t let any man control her or make her act a certain way. Because she wouldn’t go out with me, I went to the café and talked to her there and we like the same music and the same food.”
“When did she tell you that she was born into a male body?”
“After we’d been dating for four months. It was about eight months after I first met her.”
“And you were okay with that?”
“No.”
Jaehwa looked up sharply at him, eyes wide. He smiled and kissed her hand again.
“It took me a very long time to be okay with it.”
Jaehwa looked away.
“But you’re okay with it now?”
“Of course. It’s not Jaehwa’s fault she was born into a male body.”
“But you’re not gay. Or bisexual.”
“Those are just words society made up to define things. I love Jaehwa.”
Doctor Lee pondered him for a moment. “Let me ask this a different way. It might be a little personal, and if you don’t wish to answer you don’t have to. You two are lovers, correct?”
“Yes,” Yoochun answered, conscious of Jaehwa shifting in her seat.
“And you have no problems at all getting erect or orgasming with Jaehwa?”
“Nope.”
“And you have no problems pleasuring Jaehwa and making sure that she orgasms as well?”
“We’ve learned.”
“Learned what?”
“How …” Yoochun looked at Jaehwa. Her face was pink, eyes lowered. She was playing with a snag on her sweater with her fingers. “Love?”
Jaehwa shook her head. “I’m okay,” she whispered.
Yoochun kept his eyes on her as he said, “We’ve learned to pleasure each other.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “And there isn’t a problem with Jaehwa being physically different from other girls you’ve dated?”
“Not anymore,” Yoochun said with a grin. “I was … at first it was difficult. And if you don’t mind me being crude, I had a hard time fucking her unless I was behind her, but now we’re okay. It’s been about five months, and we’re still getting used to each other.”
“Do you talk about how to please each other?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Yoochun paused again.
“I hate it,” Jaehwa whispered. “That’s why.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “Understandable. Is there anything in particular that you hate about it, or just that it’s there.”
Jaehwa squeezed Yoochun’s hand tightly and he saw her chest hitch, holding her breath. It took her a very long time to reply. “It’s there.”
“Does Yoochun ever touch it?”
“S-some-sometimes,” Jaehwa said, looking to the left, away from Yoochun, hiding behind her hair.
“And you don’t like that?”
She shook her head quickly. “B-but in-“ She had to take a deep breath, and Yoochun squeezed her hand. “Sometimes, in the moment. It just … feels … but after. No. I don’t like it.”
Yoochun met Doctor Lee’s eyes, but her question was directed at Jaehwa. “Why do you think he touches it?”
Her shoulder lifted in a shrug.
“Do you think he does it to hurt you?”
Yoochun opened his mouth to protest that, but she raised her hand to keep him silent.
“No,” Jaehwa muttered.
“Does it hurt you?”
She shrugged again. “He knows I don’t like it.”
“Do you tell him that? When he touches it, do you tell him, please don’t. I don’t like that.”
Jaehwa shook her head.
“You need to,” she said. “For him and for you, because he should not be doing something you don’t like, and he shouldn’t have to guess.”
Yoochun winced, guilty, and then tugged on Jaehwa’s hand until she looked at him. “I’m sorry. I won’t.”
She bit her lip and looked away again.
“Jaehwa,” Doctor Lee prompted.
She lifted her shoulder in another shrug and whispered, “It feels good.”
“Does that embarrass you?”
“A little.”
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed for whatever makes you feel good,” Doctor Lee said. “You have this body, it isn’t the right body, but it is yours. I’m not going to advise that you embrace your masculinity or other such nonsense, but if you’re willing, you should explore your sexuality and find out what does and doesn’t work. Yoochun loves you, I just met him and I can tell that he loves you, so the two of you should work it out and find out together what you do and don’t like. You should never feel ashamed about yourself. Yes, you were given the wrong body, but there’s no reason not to enjoy it while it is yours.”
Jaehwa looked at Doctor Lee like she had grown an extra head.
She laughed and continued, “I talked to Doctor Kwan the other day about his sessions with you, and honestly, that man should not be allowed to practice sexual therapy in anyway. I fear he’s hurt you more than he’s helped you. He convinced you to take low dose hormones, he convinced you that your penis is gross and unnatural, but at the same time, convinced you that you are gross and unnatural. None of that is true. I’d like to prescribe a different medicine for you. The hormones are slightly stronger than what you’re taking, but this medicine, instead of inhibiting estrogen, it will enhance it. One of the problems with hormones is that they can decrease your sex drive, and then another pill would have to be prescribed for that. Since you said last time that you’re okay with a lower dose of hormones, then that shouldn’t be a problem for you, but if you do decide to take this new prescription, you let me know if it affects your ability to orgasm at all.”
Jaehwa nodded. “O-okay.”
“Are you willing to try it?”
“What will be different?”
Doctor Lee smiled. “It has a stronger dose of estrogen in it. The physical effects will be obvious. An increased dose of estrogen will let your body grow breast tissues, and put a little more junk in your trunk.”
Jaehwa let out a burst of laughter and covered it quickly.
“Don’t worry too much. You’re a healthy young woman and you exercise frequently, so it won’t make you fat. It may throw your emotions out of control. Give it about two weeks before you decide if you like it or not. It usually takes the body a while to grow accustomed to new medication. But if you feel depressed or lackluster or emotionally distraught stop taking it right away, okay?”
Jaehwa nodded.
“And Yoochun-shi, help monitor her behavior. If you weren’t in her life, I would be telling this to her friend Junsu. Sometimes when you’re on a medication, the effects are so minimal that it’s hard for the person taking them to see it and someone from the outside has to point it out. If you don’t like it or it affects your sexual drive too much, let me know. This is the strongest dose I feel comfortable giving you. Until we talk about surgery and discuss more about how you feel regarding that little nuisance between your legs.”
Doctor Lee pulled a pad of paper out of her drawer and scribbled a few notes on it. She ripped the top sheet off and held it out for Jaehwa. She took it carefully.
“Now, Jaehwa, last week we were discussing your father. Do you feel comfortable continuing our discussion with Yoochun here, or would you prefer to speak about it privately next week?”
Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, hand still shaking as she tugged on the loose thread of her sweater. “It’s okay.”
Yoochun squeezed her hand.
“Have you met her father?” Doctor Lee asked.
“He’s still alive, so no, I haven’t,” Yoochun said.
Doctor Lee looked like she was going to reprimand him for that, but Jaehwa sort of laughed and she let it go.
“I have met the rest of the family, though, or most of it.”
“And?”
Yoochun’s eyebrows rose. “They’re delusional.”
Jaehwa cleared her throat. “M-my sister Yoonah called me yesterday.”
“Really? What did she say?” Doctor Lee asked.
“N-not a lot, but she wants to come and see me.”
Yoochun frowned. He had not met Yoonah when he’d gone down. “Why?”
Jaehwa flinched.
Yoochun squeezed her hand. “Sorry. Your family … is …”
Jaehwa smiled. “I know. But she said that we needed to talk. She’s always been the most sympathetic of my sisters, and the one that never said I deserved what I got when my father beat me.”
The thought of Jaehwa being beaten angered Yoochun past the point of coherency.
“I did my best to hide the bruises and things, but she’d patch me up if I ever started bleeding. She … she’s coming up next weekend.”
“Do you want me to be with you?” Yoochun asked.
“I told her to come to the café, so there will be other people around. I know she won’t hurt me, but if we’re in public, she’ll be more cautious about what she says.”
“Good. And you don’t mind if I just happen to be there?”
Jaehwa smiled.
“About your father, Jaehwa?” Doctor Lee prompted.
Jaehwa shut her eyes and inhaled deeply, fingers tight around Yoochun’s. “I-I don’t think I want to talk about him right now. I … “ She withdrew, pulled her legs up, feet on the chair and curled in on herself.
Yoochun reached over and rubbed her arm. She flinched, and then relaxed.
“What about your father?” Doctor Lee asked Yoochun.
Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t talk with him much. He left my mom, abandoned us when I was only ten and my brother was six. If it wasn’t for my grandparents, I don’t think we would have survived.”
“When was the last time you talked to him?”
“He calls me on my birthday, and we catch up, but it doesn’t go beyond that. He remarried and I have a half-sister somewhere. I think he regrets his decisions, but he’s too stubborn to actually say that he was wrong.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “A lot of men are stubborn.”
Jaehwa scoffed.
“Your mother never remarried?”
“No. She said we were enough men for her.”
“And what is your younger brother doing right now?”
“Same as me. Going to school for a business degree. He helps out at my mom’s gelato shop every now and then.”
“Did your father ever abuse you?”
Yoochun noted that Jaehwa flinched at the question. “No. He smacked my mom around a lot, but he never hit us. He yelled, and I know that is a form of mental abuse. I think my mom would have left a lot sooner if he had ever hit us.”
“No sexual abuse?”
“No.”
“Your brother?”
“Not that he’s ever told me.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “You seem well adjusted, Yoochun-shi, with firm goals and a vision of your future.”
“I’m trying my best.”
“Jaehwa is lucky to have you.”
Yoochun turned to his pretty girlfriend and smiled. She blushed, feeling his gaze. “I’m lucky to have her, Doctor Lee.”
“It was nice to meet you, and if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to come in with Jaehwa once a month. It’ll be good for her to have your support in all things, even this.”
Yoochun nodded. “I will. Thank you for helping her.”
“I’m glad I came back to Korea to help people like her. Transgender people are growing more common in the United States, but that is only because they have a support system for it. There isn’t a support system here, so people like Jaehwa have to hide who they really are. I’m proud of you for not hiding. I’m proud of you for being strong enough to be who you are inside.”
“Me too,” Yoochun said.
Jaehwa blushed and tried to burrow deeper in her sweater.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 13: The Close Call
Part 11: The Progress
Part 10: The Reset
Part 9: The Suuport | Part 8: The Situation | Part 7: The Promise | Part 6: The Conflict | Part 5: The Setback | Part 4: The Date | Part 3: The Wait | Part 2: The Talk | Part 1: The Secret
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 12: The Meeting
From Yo-dongsaeng: Yo-hyung! Late lunch today?
From Yo-hyung: Can’t. I’m meeting with Jaehwa at 12:30
From Yo-dongsaeng: Don’t you have class at 1?
From Yo-hyung: Yes, but this is more important than class.
From Yo-dongsaeng: Sex is more important than class? You’re such a bad example.
Yoochun laughed and flagged down a taxi. He gave him the address to Jaehwa’s therapist’s office and then replied to his brother.
From Yo-hyung: Do as I say, not as I do.
From Yo-dongsaeng: Is that some sort of sexual joke?
From Yo-hyung: Pervert.
From Yo-dongsaeng: Learned from the best.
The cab pulled up to a high rise office building in the middle of town. Yoochun paid him with a thanks, and got out. Jaehwa was waiting for him next to a revolving door. She wore a pink skirt that fell past her knees. Contrasting sharply with the color was her olive army jacket and those combat boots. The air was warmer than was normal for November and she had on a tan, knit sweater that hung past her hips. In her hand was a tray with three cups of coffee, all with the Angel Café logo printed on the side.
“For you, love,” she said, pointing to one of the cups.
“Thank you,” Yoochun said, but kissed her cheek before taking the coffee.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, why?’
“I was expecting you to back out of this.”
“Why would I?” Yoochun asked and put his arm around her waist to direct her into the building.
“You’re a guy, and guys don’t like therapy.”
Yoochun smiled. “Guys only don’t like therapy when they know they’ve done something wrong.”
Jaehwa laughed. She led them to the elevator and they rode up in silence. Yoochun shut his eyes and inhaled deeply. His girlfriend always smelled so pretty. They arrived at the eleventh floor, and Jaehwa led the way into the lobby. She waved at the receptionist who was on the phone, and the receptionist smiled and indicated that they could go into the room.
Yoochun noticed Jaehwa’s shoulders tensing slightly as she walked into the therapist’s office.
The woman at the desk was beautiful. Lithe and stunning, she had long black hair, straight all the way to her elbows. She wore a navy dress suit and classic heels. She smiled and said hello to Jaehwa.
“I brought you a latte.”
“Thank you, Jaehwa-shi. It’s amazing how good the coffee is at Angel Café.”
After swallowing nervously, Jaehwa turned and introduced her to Yoochun.
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Doctor Lee,” Yoochun said and bowed.
Doctor Lee bowed back. “You too, Park Yoochun-shi. I am very happy that there is someone in Jaehwa’s life that loves her for who she is.”
“I do. Combat boots and all.”
“What’s wrong with my boots?” Jaehwa asked, hands on her hips.
Yoochun laughed. “Nothing. You know I love them.”
Doctor Lee smiled and gestured to two chairs for them to sit. Yoochun noted that there was no couch in this therapist’s office, and the colors were shades of pinks, creams and greens, soothing, but not obviously though.
“So Yoochun-shi, Jaehwa says you’re almost done with your Bachelor’s degree in Business Management.”
“I graduate in the spring.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“What plans after?”
Yoochun shrugged. “I’ll probably start working toward an MBA, or specialize in restaurant management. My mother has a gelato shop and I do most of her business work. She wants to expand.”
“A worthy goal. May I ask how Jaehwa fits into your future plans?”
Yoochun looked over at his girlfriend and smiled, “In any way she wants to.”
“And that means?”
Yoochun turned back to Doctor Lee. “Maybe you should ask her that?”
Jaehwa cleared her throat. “We-we haven’t really made any firm plans, but we … I don’t know. Yoochun-ah?”
With a smile, Yoochun reached between their chairs and took Jaehwa’s hand. “Junsu does have a point about you spending more time at my apartment than at yours.”
Jaehwa looked away, eyes downcast. She nibbled on her lower lip and whispered, “I’m not ready yet.”
“I know.”
Doctor Lee examined them closely. “Have you talked about moving in together before?”
“No,” Yoochun said.
“Why not? You’ve been dating for almost two years, right?”
“A year and a half,” Jaehwa muttered.
“Does it feel too soon in your relationship?”
Yoochun stiffened at the tone of the question and Jaehwa looked at him with wide eyes. His confident girlfriend was quickly withdrawing into her insecurity. She tugged at the sleeves of her sweater.
“I don’t think it matters what ‘soon’ means,” Yoochun said carefully. “We haven’t talked about it, and the last relationship Jaehwa had, they broke up right after discussing moving in together, so I can understand her hesitation, and I’m pretty sure my mother would kill me. We’ll move in together when it’s right for us, not in whatever timeframe is deemed by society.”
Doctor Lee smiled. “Jaehwa did say you’re a practical person.”
Jaehwa squeezed his hand.
“Jaehwa and I have only met twice,” Doctor Lee continued. “We’ve talked about her school and a little bit about her childhood, but besides only mentioning she had a boyfriend, and basic details, she did not say much about you. So let’s start with you.”
Yoochun stayed quiet for a moment. “And that means …”
Jaehwa snorted.
Yoochun smiled at her, squeezing her hand back. She shifted in the chair, leaning toward Yoochun with her legs crossed, coffee cup up to her face.
“Do you want me to talk about my childhood?”
Doctor Lee smiled. “Only if it comes up, but I meant in regards to Jaehwa and how you met.”
Yoochun raised his coffee cup. “I went into Angel Café with a friend and fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world and probably in the heavens too.”
Jaehwa blushed.
“So attraction was pretty instantaneous.”
“Yeah. Jaehwa is beautiful.” He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I asked her out probably every day for four months until she finally said yes.”
“Why did you try so hard?”
Yoochun kept his eyes on Jaehwa, even though she was looking at her lap. “Her smile, her laugh, her attitude. I knew within the first week that she was a strong girl and she wouldn’t let any man control her or make her act a certain way. Because she wouldn’t go out with me, I went to the café and talked to her there and we like the same music and the same food.”
“When did she tell you that she was born into a male body?”
“After we’d been dating for four months. It was about eight months after I first met her.”
“And you were okay with that?”
“No.”
Jaehwa looked up sharply at him, eyes wide. He smiled and kissed her hand again.
“It took me a very long time to be okay with it.”
Jaehwa looked away.
“But you’re okay with it now?”
“Of course. It’s not Jaehwa’s fault she was born into a male body.”
“But you’re not gay. Or bisexual.”
“Those are just words society made up to define things. I love Jaehwa.”
Doctor Lee pondered him for a moment. “Let me ask this a different way. It might be a little personal, and if you don’t wish to answer you don’t have to. You two are lovers, correct?”
“Yes,” Yoochun answered, conscious of Jaehwa shifting in her seat.
“And you have no problems at all getting erect or orgasming with Jaehwa?”
“Nope.”
“And you have no problems pleasuring Jaehwa and making sure that she orgasms as well?”
“We’ve learned.”
“Learned what?”
“How …” Yoochun looked at Jaehwa. Her face was pink, eyes lowered. She was playing with a snag on her sweater with her fingers. “Love?”
Jaehwa shook her head. “I’m okay,” she whispered.
Yoochun kept his eyes on her as he said, “We’ve learned to pleasure each other.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “And there isn’t a problem with Jaehwa being physically different from other girls you’ve dated?”
“Not anymore,” Yoochun said with a grin. “I was … at first it was difficult. And if you don’t mind me being crude, I had a hard time fucking her unless I was behind her, but now we’re okay. It’s been about five months, and we’re still getting used to each other.”
“Do you talk about how to please each other?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Yoochun paused again.
“I hate it,” Jaehwa whispered. “That’s why.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “Understandable. Is there anything in particular that you hate about it, or just that it’s there.”
Jaehwa squeezed Yoochun’s hand tightly and he saw her chest hitch, holding her breath. It took her a very long time to reply. “It’s there.”
“Does Yoochun ever touch it?”
“S-some-sometimes,” Jaehwa said, looking to the left, away from Yoochun, hiding behind her hair.
“And you don’t like that?”
She shook her head quickly. “B-but in-“ She had to take a deep breath, and Yoochun squeezed her hand. “Sometimes, in the moment. It just … feels … but after. No. I don’t like it.”
Yoochun met Doctor Lee’s eyes, but her question was directed at Jaehwa. “Why do you think he touches it?”
Her shoulder lifted in a shrug.
“Do you think he does it to hurt you?”
Yoochun opened his mouth to protest that, but she raised her hand to keep him silent.
“No,” Jaehwa muttered.
“Does it hurt you?”
She shrugged again. “He knows I don’t like it.”
“Do you tell him that? When he touches it, do you tell him, please don’t. I don’t like that.”
Jaehwa shook her head.
“You need to,” she said. “For him and for you, because he should not be doing something you don’t like, and he shouldn’t have to guess.”
Yoochun winced, guilty, and then tugged on Jaehwa’s hand until she looked at him. “I’m sorry. I won’t.”
She bit her lip and looked away again.
“Jaehwa,” Doctor Lee prompted.
She lifted her shoulder in another shrug and whispered, “It feels good.”
“Does that embarrass you?”
“A little.”
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed for whatever makes you feel good,” Doctor Lee said. “You have this body, it isn’t the right body, but it is yours. I’m not going to advise that you embrace your masculinity or other such nonsense, but if you’re willing, you should explore your sexuality and find out what does and doesn’t work. Yoochun loves you, I just met him and I can tell that he loves you, so the two of you should work it out and find out together what you do and don’t like. You should never feel ashamed about yourself. Yes, you were given the wrong body, but there’s no reason not to enjoy it while it is yours.”
Jaehwa looked at Doctor Lee like she had grown an extra head.
She laughed and continued, “I talked to Doctor Kwan the other day about his sessions with you, and honestly, that man should not be allowed to practice sexual therapy in anyway. I fear he’s hurt you more than he’s helped you. He convinced you to take low dose hormones, he convinced you that your penis is gross and unnatural, but at the same time, convinced you that you are gross and unnatural. None of that is true. I’d like to prescribe a different medicine for you. The hormones are slightly stronger than what you’re taking, but this medicine, instead of inhibiting estrogen, it will enhance it. One of the problems with hormones is that they can decrease your sex drive, and then another pill would have to be prescribed for that. Since you said last time that you’re okay with a lower dose of hormones, then that shouldn’t be a problem for you, but if you do decide to take this new prescription, you let me know if it affects your ability to orgasm at all.”
Jaehwa nodded. “O-okay.”
“Are you willing to try it?”
“What will be different?”
Doctor Lee smiled. “It has a stronger dose of estrogen in it. The physical effects will be obvious. An increased dose of estrogen will let your body grow breast tissues, and put a little more junk in your trunk.”
Jaehwa let out a burst of laughter and covered it quickly.
“Don’t worry too much. You’re a healthy young woman and you exercise frequently, so it won’t make you fat. It may throw your emotions out of control. Give it about two weeks before you decide if you like it or not. It usually takes the body a while to grow accustomed to new medication. But if you feel depressed or lackluster or emotionally distraught stop taking it right away, okay?”
Jaehwa nodded.
“And Yoochun-shi, help monitor her behavior. If you weren’t in her life, I would be telling this to her friend Junsu. Sometimes when you’re on a medication, the effects are so minimal that it’s hard for the person taking them to see it and someone from the outside has to point it out. If you don’t like it or it affects your sexual drive too much, let me know. This is the strongest dose I feel comfortable giving you. Until we talk about surgery and discuss more about how you feel regarding that little nuisance between your legs.”
Doctor Lee pulled a pad of paper out of her drawer and scribbled a few notes on it. She ripped the top sheet off and held it out for Jaehwa. She took it carefully.
“Now, Jaehwa, last week we were discussing your father. Do you feel comfortable continuing our discussion with Yoochun here, or would you prefer to speak about it privately next week?”
Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, hand still shaking as she tugged on the loose thread of her sweater. “It’s okay.”
Yoochun squeezed her hand.
“Have you met her father?” Doctor Lee asked.
“He’s still alive, so no, I haven’t,” Yoochun said.
Doctor Lee looked like she was going to reprimand him for that, but Jaehwa sort of laughed and she let it go.
“I have met the rest of the family, though, or most of it.”
“And?”
Yoochun’s eyebrows rose. “They’re delusional.”
Jaehwa cleared her throat. “M-my sister Yoonah called me yesterday.”
“Really? What did she say?” Doctor Lee asked.
“N-not a lot, but she wants to come and see me.”
Yoochun frowned. He had not met Yoonah when he’d gone down. “Why?”
Jaehwa flinched.
Yoochun squeezed her hand. “Sorry. Your family … is …”
Jaehwa smiled. “I know. But she said that we needed to talk. She’s always been the most sympathetic of my sisters, and the one that never said I deserved what I got when my father beat me.”
The thought of Jaehwa being beaten angered Yoochun past the point of coherency.
“I did my best to hide the bruises and things, but she’d patch me up if I ever started bleeding. She … she’s coming up next weekend.”
“Do you want me to be with you?” Yoochun asked.
“I told her to come to the café, so there will be other people around. I know she won’t hurt me, but if we’re in public, she’ll be more cautious about what she says.”
“Good. And you don’t mind if I just happen to be there?”
Jaehwa smiled.
“About your father, Jaehwa?” Doctor Lee prompted.
Jaehwa shut her eyes and inhaled deeply, fingers tight around Yoochun’s. “I-I don’t think I want to talk about him right now. I … “ She withdrew, pulled her legs up, feet on the chair and curled in on herself.
Yoochun reached over and rubbed her arm. She flinched, and then relaxed.
“What about your father?” Doctor Lee asked Yoochun.
Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t talk with him much. He left my mom, abandoned us when I was only ten and my brother was six. If it wasn’t for my grandparents, I don’t think we would have survived.”
“When was the last time you talked to him?”
“He calls me on my birthday, and we catch up, but it doesn’t go beyond that. He remarried and I have a half-sister somewhere. I think he regrets his decisions, but he’s too stubborn to actually say that he was wrong.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “A lot of men are stubborn.”
Jaehwa scoffed.
“Your mother never remarried?”
“No. She said we were enough men for her.”
“And what is your younger brother doing right now?”
“Same as me. Going to school for a business degree. He helps out at my mom’s gelato shop every now and then.”
“Did your father ever abuse you?”
Yoochun noted that Jaehwa flinched at the question. “No. He smacked my mom around a lot, but he never hit us. He yelled, and I know that is a form of mental abuse. I think my mom would have left a lot sooner if he had ever hit us.”
“No sexual abuse?”
“No.”
“Your brother?”
“Not that he’s ever told me.”
Doctor Lee nodded. “You seem well adjusted, Yoochun-shi, with firm goals and a vision of your future.”
“I’m trying my best.”
“Jaehwa is lucky to have you.”
Yoochun turned to his pretty girlfriend and smiled. She blushed, feeling his gaze. “I’m lucky to have her, Doctor Lee.”
“It was nice to meet you, and if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to come in with Jaehwa once a month. It’ll be good for her to have your support in all things, even this.”
Yoochun nodded. “I will. Thank you for helping her.”
“I’m glad I came back to Korea to help people like her. Transgender people are growing more common in the United States, but that is only because they have a support system for it. There isn’t a support system here, so people like Jaehwa have to hide who they really are. I’m proud of you for not hiding. I’m proud of you for being strong enough to be who you are inside.”
“Me too,” Yoochun said.
Jaehwa blushed and tried to burrow deeper in her sweater.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 13: The Close Call
Part 11: The Progress
Part 10: The Reset
Part 9: The Suuport | Part 8: The Situation | Part 7: The Promise | Part 6: The Conflict | Part 5: The Setback | Part 4: The Date | Part 3: The Wait | Part 2: The Talk | Part 1: The Secret
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