I'm malleable to your narrative. Stirred by your images and your music. You make me stand up tall. I rev my engine, confident. You help me remember myself ( Read more... )

I haven't made it to work at all this week. It's Wednesday. I had two hours of PTO left. It's a mess. I just haven't been able to get out of bed. Monday I said it was because I was out of spoons from socializing all weekend. Tuesday I didn't feel well from the Monday night Mexican binge. But today? Today I woke up on time and laid in bed begging ( Read more... )

I have too many thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my head to sleep, so hopefully this will help.

First, it's strange spending the weekend with Brian a year and a half after I ended our long, complicated relationship. He finally came to get the rest of his stuff this weekend, staying to help me set up my desktop so I can get back into WoW.

I've ( Read more... )

Having a hard time tonight/today/in general. We got back from the UK and had such momentum, such motivation, such energy. I decided to exercise for an hour every day to really push my lifestyle to a more healthy place. And I was going to apply to grad school and build my house and buy a drier and build a treehouse and DO THINGS. And today ( Read more... )

Just had a terrible dream that myself, my mom, and some friends (Christopher, Ginny, George Takei) were trying to fly somewhere and got captured. We were prisoner on a children's ship that was being used as a slave ship. And I got sick and there wasn't anyone to take care of mom. And she was lying in a puddle of urine in bloody underwear from sores ( Read more... )

I feel more alone than I can say.

Christopher and Amanda will always love each other more than they love me. Even though I was there for each of them during their separation. Even though I've kept both of them and their children from being homeless and hungry.

Were it inconvenient for them to love me, I don't think they would. And I hate that I'm ( Read more... )

It's eating me up that Christopher doesn't get my feelings. It hurts, like he feels so little for me that he doesn't see how I could feel so strongly for him.

The night of his party last weekend I asked him how Landis was doing because she had drank too much. He told me she was weepy and horny and a little confused because of her heteronotmative ( Read more... )

Christopher doesn't quite understand how I can't get over him when we've never actually been together ( Read more... )

My therapist, Emily told me that as I process these debilitating issues I have to be kind to myself, so I'm making a solid attempt. Not exactly my strong suit. Emily said that when I have bad days where I can't seem to do anything but recoil into myself and cry I need to bargain with myself. Instead of making myself feel guilty for not getting ( Read more... )

I went to the St. Louis zoo today with Amanda, Sean, Winter, Rowan, & Calen. Being week two since I left my job I thought it would be nice to get out & do something active with people I love. I didn't think too much of it past that, to be honest. But it ended up being a very worthwhile venture ( Read more... )