Struggling
I haven't made it to work at all this week. It's Wednesday. I had two hours of PTO left. It's a mess. I just haven't been able to get out of bed. Monday I said it was because I was out of spoons from socializing all weekend. Tuesday I didn't feel well from the Monday night Mexican binge. But today? Today I woke up on time and laid in bed begging myself to get up and go. Reassuring myself it would be fine. But I just didn't move. Nothing was wrong. Nothing bad has happened recently. I felt physically fine. I just couldn't find the energy to get up. So I stayed in bed and cried.
Christopher was concerned and suggested I text a crisis text line, then my therapist. I didn't feel like I was in crisis but I did it anyway. The woman who responded, Malori, was kind and supportive. She said I was courageous simply for reaching out. She said with all the loss I've suffered in the past several years she felt like I was brave to keep going. She asked if I'd be willing to journal to get some of this out of my head. So I am.
My therapist responded to my text that he's always struggling with something, so we can be a matched set. I guess that's nice. Malori seemed so genuine that it reminded me that there are good things in the world. That it's worth it to fight to be a part of it. I don't know why I'm having such issues, honestly. Yeah, people died. Yeah, I'm lonely. But I have a good job, fulfilling hobbies, a comfortable home, three loving cats, and great friends. I have a lot going for me. But still I'm drained and struggle just to make it through the day and lot of the time. It's so frustrating.
Would I really feel better if I had a significant other or a child? I mean, I think so, I hope so, but I don't really know. It's more likely I'll be able to have a child that find a significant other, so I've been trying to focus on that. But the idea of being a single working mom with no grandparents or blood aunt's/uncle's terrifies me. Nicole says she's excited to help me with my child, but she's also struggling with severe depression. Christopher and Amanda have enough to deal with between themselves. Jessie has three kids of her own. It's just scary. And now I'm considering going to 3/4 time at work which means essentially going back to the income I had at FCC. And adding a baby. Maybe I could make that work for a year and then go back full time. That sounds okay I suppose. I have savings. I'm very, very lucky in that respect.
My food just got here and I haven't eaten in like 24 hours so I'm signing off.
❤️
Christopher was concerned and suggested I text a crisis text line, then my therapist. I didn't feel like I was in crisis but I did it anyway. The woman who responded, Malori, was kind and supportive. She said I was courageous simply for reaching out. She said with all the loss I've suffered in the past several years she felt like I was brave to keep going. She asked if I'd be willing to journal to get some of this out of my head. So I am.
My therapist responded to my text that he's always struggling with something, so we can be a matched set. I guess that's nice. Malori seemed so genuine that it reminded me that there are good things in the world. That it's worth it to fight to be a part of it. I don't know why I'm having such issues, honestly. Yeah, people died. Yeah, I'm lonely. But I have a good job, fulfilling hobbies, a comfortable home, three loving cats, and great friends. I have a lot going for me. But still I'm drained and struggle just to make it through the day and lot of the time. It's so frustrating.
Would I really feel better if I had a significant other or a child? I mean, I think so, I hope so, but I don't really know. It's more likely I'll be able to have a child that find a significant other, so I've been trying to focus on that. But the idea of being a single working mom with no grandparents or blood aunt's/uncle's terrifies me. Nicole says she's excited to help me with my child, but she's also struggling with severe depression. Christopher and Amanda have enough to deal with between themselves. Jessie has three kids of her own. It's just scary. And now I'm considering going to 3/4 time at work which means essentially going back to the income I had at FCC. And adding a baby. Maybe I could make that work for a year and then go back full time. That sounds okay I suppose. I have savings. I'm very, very lucky in that respect.
My food just got here and I haven't eaten in like 24 hours so I'm signing off.
❤️