Stingray
I went to the St. Louis zoo today with Amanda, Sean, Winter, Rowan, & Calen. Being week two since I left my job I thought it would be nice to get out & do something active with people I love. I didn't think too much of it past that, to be honest. But it ended up being a very worthwhile venture.
First it brought back a lot of memories of Mom taking me there as a kid. Since she was a biologist she adored the conservation aspect of the zoo and was a long time member. I remember going there with her regularly. I haven't been in years, but today I found myself recognizing things in a nostalgic sort of way. The hippo sculpture you can climb inside in the children's area, the elephant fountain by the north entrance. I remember being there with Mom, Dad, Bruce, Michael. I remember looking at pictures of us in those places with our small smiling faces. And it hit me that I was in a place my mom loved and she's gone. She'll never get to go to a zoo again, never get to see me smile again. I'll never get to hear her laugh again, never get to share chocolate with her. It was hard keeping that in all day but luckily there were distractions everywhere.
Past that layer of the day, we did something that was particularly impacting. Winter & Rowan really wanted to go to this area where you could pet stingrays. I was immediately hesitant because I've always been very leery of stringrays. Just the idea of them was enough to deter me. Better safe than sorry, after all, right? But the girls wanted to do it so I figured I might as well - not going to be less brave than a nine year old. Thanks, pride.
Once we got there I realized that as a child I avoided stingrays just because of the idea of them. I never had a bad experience with them, no one told me horror stories about them. I just didn't see the point in taking the risk of a possibly bad experience. But then I got there & took a deep breath & reached my hand into the water & found that they were graceful, gentle, soft, beautiful creatures. I got to reach out & caress their backs as they swam & it was a fantastic experience. Wonderful cownose rays that I could spend hours with if given the opportunity.
And I realized... that is such a fitting metaphor for the biggest problems I face in my battle against myself. I avoid things that seem like they might be unpleasant, never taking the time to even try them. Consequently I miss out on a lot of things I may very well love had I only tried. That's not to say I'm close-minded, just that I have a tendency to play it safe, so to speak. I've never broken a bone, for example. Most kids at least break a finger or something. Limbs, even. But not me. Worst I ever did was need stitches. I turned down the idea of being a teacher because the hours sounded unpleasant & it would take so much work & how many teaching positions are there really available in this area anyway & on & on. I make excuses to take the easy route & then get comfortable there to the point that I'm scared of leaving.
But I want to be brave, goddammit. I want to inhabit the qualities I admire in others. I want to pursue my passion, be true to myself, & not let fear stop me from being magnificent. I want to inspire people. But I haven't done that. I've let my depression & my anxiety & my grief & whatever else keep me on the safe route.
But I want to pet stingrays.
I will pet stringrays.
<3
First it brought back a lot of memories of Mom taking me there as a kid. Since she was a biologist she adored the conservation aspect of the zoo and was a long time member. I remember going there with her regularly. I haven't been in years, but today I found myself recognizing things in a nostalgic sort of way. The hippo sculpture you can climb inside in the children's area, the elephant fountain by the north entrance. I remember being there with Mom, Dad, Bruce, Michael. I remember looking at pictures of us in those places with our small smiling faces. And it hit me that I was in a place my mom loved and she's gone. She'll never get to go to a zoo again, never get to see me smile again. I'll never get to hear her laugh again, never get to share chocolate with her. It was hard keeping that in all day but luckily there were distractions everywhere.
Past that layer of the day, we did something that was particularly impacting. Winter & Rowan really wanted to go to this area where you could pet stingrays. I was immediately hesitant because I've always been very leery of stringrays. Just the idea of them was enough to deter me. Better safe than sorry, after all, right? But the girls wanted to do it so I figured I might as well - not going to be less brave than a nine year old. Thanks, pride.
Once we got there I realized that as a child I avoided stingrays just because of the idea of them. I never had a bad experience with them, no one told me horror stories about them. I just didn't see the point in taking the risk of a possibly bad experience. But then I got there & took a deep breath & reached my hand into the water & found that they were graceful, gentle, soft, beautiful creatures. I got to reach out & caress their backs as they swam & it was a fantastic experience. Wonderful cownose rays that I could spend hours with if given the opportunity.
And I realized... that is such a fitting metaphor for the biggest problems I face in my battle against myself. I avoid things that seem like they might be unpleasant, never taking the time to even try them. Consequently I miss out on a lot of things I may very well love had I only tried. That's not to say I'm close-minded, just that I have a tendency to play it safe, so to speak. I've never broken a bone, for example. Most kids at least break a finger or something. Limbs, even. But not me. Worst I ever did was need stitches. I turned down the idea of being a teacher because the hours sounded unpleasant & it would take so much work & how many teaching positions are there really available in this area anyway & on & on. I make excuses to take the easy route & then get comfortable there to the point that I'm scared of leaving.
But I want to be brave, goddammit. I want to inhabit the qualities I admire in others. I want to pursue my passion, be true to myself, & not let fear stop me from being magnificent. I want to inspire people. But I haven't done that. I've let my depression & my anxiety & my grief & whatever else keep me on the safe route.
But I want to pet stingrays.
I will pet stringrays.
<3