(no subject)
I'm never getting this time back. I'm just trying to make it day to day and each day I spend like this is never coming back. Each day that slips out of my grasp gets me closer to an end that I don't want to see because yesterday and today and tomorrow I'm lonely and I can't do this anymore.
I can't go each day holding onto hope that things might change. Christopher acts so differently around me now that he has all of his stuff going on with Landis and Amanda. And every time he ends up in a weird relationship situation and we start to get close I lie to myself and tell myself he might actually have feelings for me. And then he falls in love with someone else and I remember that I'm a convenience fuck for him. A convenience everything. I help him feel better when he's lonely but he's never going to be more than a friend to me.
And for a while I wanted to let Jeromy in. But for "being in love with me for 7 years" that man is more distant and elusive than anyone else who I've been intimate with. I've given up on a relationship with him. I'm 30 and if it takes him a year to even get to second base with me I'm never having kids. I hate to be the cynical realist but I want someone who is ready to love me today. I don't mean someone who is in love right now and will marry me today. I mean someone whose heart and mind are open to loving me in this moment. And he has too much mental baggage to know what a relationship looks like and with as fucked up as I am right now I just can't.
So am I going to be alone forever? Is this what my life is now? When I left Brian I thought the possibility of being happy was worth it. But I'm just as miserable if not more so than when I was with him. I'm alone and lonely rather than with him and lonely. Is that really better? Some days I miss Brian. Sometimes I don't. But some days I really do.
I miss my mom and dad and though it scares me to maybe have kids and make them hurt as badly as I do now... the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life is worse. No family, no intimacy, no love. I can't do it. I just can't.
I don't see the positive in this moment. Maybe the positive is the more I lose the more I'm willing to take chances. I don't know if reckless sadness is a positive, but that's where I'm at tonight.
<3
I can't go each day holding onto hope that things might change. Christopher acts so differently around me now that he has all of his stuff going on with Landis and Amanda. And every time he ends up in a weird relationship situation and we start to get close I lie to myself and tell myself he might actually have feelings for me. And then he falls in love with someone else and I remember that I'm a convenience fuck for him. A convenience everything. I help him feel better when he's lonely but he's never going to be more than a friend to me.
And for a while I wanted to let Jeromy in. But for "being in love with me for 7 years" that man is more distant and elusive than anyone else who I've been intimate with. I've given up on a relationship with him. I'm 30 and if it takes him a year to even get to second base with me I'm never having kids. I hate to be the cynical realist but I want someone who is ready to love me today. I don't mean someone who is in love right now and will marry me today. I mean someone whose heart and mind are open to loving me in this moment. And he has too much mental baggage to know what a relationship looks like and with as fucked up as I am right now I just can't.
So am I going to be alone forever? Is this what my life is now? When I left Brian I thought the possibility of being happy was worth it. But I'm just as miserable if not more so than when I was with him. I'm alone and lonely rather than with him and lonely. Is that really better? Some days I miss Brian. Sometimes I don't. But some days I really do.
I miss my mom and dad and though it scares me to maybe have kids and make them hurt as badly as I do now... the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life is worse. No family, no intimacy, no love. I can't do it. I just can't.
I don't see the positive in this moment. Maybe the positive is the more I lose the more I'm willing to take chances. I don't know if reckless sadness is a positive, but that's where I'm at tonight.
<3