(no subject)
Having a hard time tonight/today/in general. We got back from the UK and had such momentum, such motivation, such energy. I decided to exercise for an hour every day to really push my lifestyle to a more healthy place. And I was going to apply to grad school and build my house and buy a drier and build a treehouse and DO THINGS. And today reminded me that it's not as easy as all that because I have a fucking demon who lives in my head and tells me there's no point so don't bother trying. He tell me no one loves me which is why I'm alone and so why am I even here anymore. And I lay on my couch crying wishing I had someone to hold me and the only people here are my cats. And it just hurts. All of me just hurts. And all of that motivation seeps out and I'm left emotionally parched... again.
But then I try. I really fucking try. I go to the park and I walk 2.72 miles and I look at the plants and I breathe the air and I catch the pokemon and I listen to music and I move my body and I'm present. And for a while it helps. But then I get home and watch a dark comedy and wonder how I'm ever going to maintain the motivation to do all the things I say I want to do. And I wonder if all of my friends just think I'm full of bullshit every time I say I'm going to do something. "No, not Tory. She says she'll do interesting things then gives up on them. Like the orchard. Or the house. Or... anything."
And I wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If leaving Brian was the worst decision I've ever made. Because until then I had never gone more than a few months between relationships... and now it's been over a year. And I feel totally alone, even though I have so many great friends who care about me. Because at the end of the day I sleep in a big bed with my cats and just wish I could be held. And maybe I just have too much anxiety and too much depression and too much baggage for anyone to make a life with. Maybe I'm going to end up a crazy cat lady who spoils other people's kids because I never had any of my own.
My mom said that she met my dad when she had finally given up on trying to find anyone to date. That he just sort of surprised her. But I'm older now than she was when she gave birth to me, so I'm no longer holding out hope that something like that will happen to me. Because apparently I'm not lucky enough for someone like my dad to fall into my lap. Someone so loyal, so loving, so good. God I miss them. This year's holiday season is going to be rough. Rough like the one after I lost Dad. Because they're both gone now. And Grandmother, and Grandma. They're all dead and I'm left alone. And my new adoptive "family" would rather I not be there. They won't say it but I know it's true. They're happier when I'm not there. Maybe not the kids, but Christopher and Amanda are. I'm too emotional and too awkward and too sad. And too in love with him. They'd be better off if I died and just left them my money. They'd never say it but it's true. And that reality make me want to die.
Because I'm forever going to be the woman who talks about doing fantastic, amazing things and then never done a damn one of them. I'm the boring, depressed, anxious woman that no one really wants to be around. But I pay and so people keep me around. And because I talk like I'm interesting... enough to keep most people fooled. Except Christopher who knows I'm really scared and boring. And will have sex with me but not get intimate... because it might lead me on. Because why would he ever want me. Not me. Not this scared, boring woman. He has so many better women.
Even Jeromy doesn't want me. If he did he would have done something about it by now. But he just goes out with me then doesn't talk to me for weeks. And his lack of interest makes me want to give up on everything good in the world. Because he's so sweet and smart and good... and I feel so alone when even he doesn't want me.
I give up.
But then I try. I really fucking try. I go to the park and I walk 2.72 miles and I look at the plants and I breathe the air and I catch the pokemon and I listen to music and I move my body and I'm present. And for a while it helps. But then I get home and watch a dark comedy and wonder how I'm ever going to maintain the motivation to do all the things I say I want to do. And I wonder if all of my friends just think I'm full of bullshit every time I say I'm going to do something. "No, not Tory. She says she'll do interesting things then gives up on them. Like the orchard. Or the house. Or... anything."
And I wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If leaving Brian was the worst decision I've ever made. Because until then I had never gone more than a few months between relationships... and now it's been over a year. And I feel totally alone, even though I have so many great friends who care about me. Because at the end of the day I sleep in a big bed with my cats and just wish I could be held. And maybe I just have too much anxiety and too much depression and too much baggage for anyone to make a life with. Maybe I'm going to end up a crazy cat lady who spoils other people's kids because I never had any of my own.
My mom said that she met my dad when she had finally given up on trying to find anyone to date. That he just sort of surprised her. But I'm older now than she was when she gave birth to me, so I'm no longer holding out hope that something like that will happen to me. Because apparently I'm not lucky enough for someone like my dad to fall into my lap. Someone so loyal, so loving, so good. God I miss them. This year's holiday season is going to be rough. Rough like the one after I lost Dad. Because they're both gone now. And Grandmother, and Grandma. They're all dead and I'm left alone. And my new adoptive "family" would rather I not be there. They won't say it but I know it's true. They're happier when I'm not there. Maybe not the kids, but Christopher and Amanda are. I'm too emotional and too awkward and too sad. And too in love with him. They'd be better off if I died and just left them my money. They'd never say it but it's true. And that reality make me want to die.
Because I'm forever going to be the woman who talks about doing fantastic, amazing things and then never done a damn one of them. I'm the boring, depressed, anxious woman that no one really wants to be around. But I pay and so people keep me around. And because I talk like I'm interesting... enough to keep most people fooled. Except Christopher who knows I'm really scared and boring. And will have sex with me but not get intimate... because it might lead me on. Because why would he ever want me. Not me. Not this scared, boring woman. He has so many better women.
Even Jeromy doesn't want me. If he did he would have done something about it by now. But he just goes out with me then doesn't talk to me for weeks. And his lack of interest makes me want to give up on everything good in the world. Because he's so sweet and smart and good... and I feel so alone when even he doesn't want me.
I give up.