(no subject)
It's eating me up that Christopher doesn't get my feelings. It hurts, like he feels so little for me that he doesn't see how I could feel so strongly for him.
The night of his party last weekend I asked him how Landis was doing because she had drank too much. He told me she was weepy and horny and a little confused because of her heteronotmative upbringing. But that he had kissed her in front of Amanda to reassure her. And I started crying.
Maybe he doesn't care enough to remember, but I remember something very similar to that happening to me years ago. I was so hesitant and Amanda reassured me. I looked from his eyes to hers and I felt safe. And I guess I thought interactions like that meant something, but I guess not. I guess he'd rather have Landis and Amanda and forget that he means something to me.
It makes me angry, really. He's so passionate that somehow his well never runs dry so he apparently has no concept of how normal connections are formed. He loves everyone, fucks everyone, and wonders why he breaks hearts. Surely it's our problem for not having such an evolved sense of love. There's never any fault with him. No, he never meant to lead me on. Never meant to lead anyone on.
Part of me wants to pull a Lauren and cut ties with him. Why? So much cleaner, easier. I don't have to hurt so much. I don't have to yet again train myself to pretend like I don't love him. Like I don't want to make love to him all the time. I don't have to watch him be affectionate and sweet to other women while I sit by and feel unwanted.
Well I made him my best friend and I at least have to keep it that way until our UK trip or I'll be paying ten grand for a miserable time. No thank you. It just fucking kills me that he makes it out like I'm being ridiculous. Overemotional. How dare I keep loving him. Let go, get over it. But see his face all the time while I do it.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm going to sleep.
<3