[fic] Just Don't Look Back, Chapter 21 - Yugioh, YamixYugi, angst/romance, R, AU
Title: Just Don't Look Back
Chapter: 21
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 -
---
The moment the phone rang, Yami snatched it. It was nearly seven o’clock and he’d spent the last hour staring at it, willing it to make a sound. “Hello?”
“Yami, hey. It’s Anzu.”
“Oh…hi,” he said, his hope fading away.
“Is Yugi back yet?”
“No, he’s-”
“I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news. I was about to rush over, but Yugi practically begged me not to skip work. Have you gotten any updates?”
Confused, Yami asked, “Updates on what?”
“His grandfather of course! When Yugi called he told me that he was still in testing-”
“His grandfather? Testing?” Yami gripped the phone. “What…what are you talking about?”
Anzu faltered. “Oh…I’m sorry, I assumed Yugi talked to you…he told me that he’d already called you.”
“Yugi did call me, he told my mom to tell me that he and friends of the family were going out.”
There was silence on the other end of the line.
“Anzu?”
“I…I don’t know why he’d tell you that.”
“What’s going on?”
When she spoke, it was hesitantly, as if she wasn’t sure if she should or not. “His grandfather had a heart attack this afternoon. He called me from the hospital to tell me and he said that he was in testing, but they didn’t know if he needed surgery yet or not.”
Yami was shaking. “Did…did he say which hospital?”
“Domino General Hos-”
“Thank you Anzu. I’ll call you later.” Yami hung up, pulled on his shoes and grabbed the keys and his jacket. He felt for his wallet, but the pocket was empty. He checked the hallway and stairs, but it wasn’t there.
Come on, come on, I don’t have time for this…
Frantic by now, he gave up the search and dashed down to the store to grab some money from the register for a taxi before sprinting out the door.
- - -
Fifteen minutes later, as he finally located the correct waiting room, he paused to catch his breath and looked around. He immediately recognized Yugi, huddled in a chair, and strode forward.
“Yugi…Yugi!”
Yugi turned around, his eyes widening. “Yami?”
Before he knew it, he was out of the chair and in Yami’s arms. Yami, embracing him tightly and stroking his hair with one hand, whispered, “Yugi, are you okay? Talk to me, tell me what happened.”
Yugi knew he should push him away, but he couldn’t. Not now, not as he gave in to the fear he’d felt all day. “It’s G-Grandpa…the doctor said it was a heart attack. It was awful, Yami…one second he looked okay and the next…” He couldn’t even finish, choking on his words.
“It’s okay,” Yami whispered, still holding him. “Grandfather is strong; he can make it through this. It’s going to be okay.”
“A nurse came out a little while ago and told us the surgery was almost over, but he didn’t say if it went well or not.” He gulped back his fear. “Wh-what if that means he won’t be okay?”
“That’s not what it means,” Yami said firmly. “I don’t think they’re even allowed to say how they think things are going until it’s completely over. So I bet he’s doing fine.”
“But what if-”
“Now is not the time for what-if’s.” Yami pressed his lips to his forehead, feeling Yugi shake. “It’s going to be alright, Yugi. Believe in that.”
Yugi managed to nod as Yami carefully lowered them down onto one of the seats. Not knowing what else to do, all he could think of was to keep Yugi talking. “Now tell me what happened.”
In bits and pieces Yugi told him the story, leaving out the discussion he’d had with his grandfather before the heart attack happened. He wanted to ask Yami how he knew to come to the hospital, but didn’t want to explain right then about why he’d lied. The truth would come out too soon as it was. But for now Yami didn’t say anything, he just listened and held onto him quietly, even after Yugi stopped talking.
Yugi sighed, pressing his face to Yami’s chest. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted his mother, turning back around casually, as if she hadn’t been watching. She’d been awfully understanding about Yami lately. Despite all the signs that he was losing it, just as she had predicted, she hadn’t said anything against him. Yugi had barely noticed the change, what with everything else going on. Then again, he thought glumly, Yami was doing well enough proving her points on his own without her commentary.
Shifting slightly, he peered up at Yami. He hadn’t seen Yami this…focused…in days. Weeks even. It was like a fog had lifted from his eyes. Whatever he’d been struggling with seemed to have vanished in his desire to be there for Yugi. And he found himself remembering how much he’d wished Yami was there at his side and now here he was and Yugi felt…safe.
He wished he didn’t. This was exactly why he hadn’t called him. He didn’t want to see Yami caring for him, worrying about him…that would only make things harder.
“Yugi…?” He felt one of Yami’s hands on his hair. His voice sounded subdued.
“Mn?” He sat up a little straighter to meet his eyes.
“Why…why didn’t you tell me about this the moment it happened? And why did you lie to my mother and tell her to lie to me about it? This was something really bad and really huge and I should have been here with you.” His tone was sad. “Why didn’t you let me be here?”
Yugi lowered his eyes. “Because you didn’t deserve this.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, Yami. It’s just…I didn’t want to.” He looked up at him desperately. “You were looking forward to shopping with your mother and you slept okay last night and…you were looking calm and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything to destroy that. Not now.”
“But Yugi,” he said, “something like this is more important than that! Grandfather is like family to me, I should have known about this the moment it happened, regardless of any worry it caused!”
“No…no, it isn’t!” Yugi couldn’t take seeing the disappointed look in Yami’s eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, don’t…I don’t want your comfort!”
“What are you talking about?” Yami tried to tighten his grip, but Yugi pushed his arms away and stood up.
“Yami, I…”
“Excuse me, Sugoroku Mutou’s family?”
They turned to see a nurse, the one who had come out earlier.
“Yes?” Yugi’s mother asked, rising from her seat.
“You’ll be pleased to know the surgery went well. He is still very groggy, so we would like to wait another half hour before allowing visitors in. However, if you would like to speak to the doctor about the details and recovery period, now would be fine.”
“Thank you.” Mrs. Mutou turned. “Yugi, Yami?”
“I’ll be along in a minute, Mom,” Yugi said quietly.
“Okay.” She left with the nurse, leaving them alone. Yami stood.
“Yugi, what’s going on? What were you trying to say before?”
“I said…that I didn’t want your comfort.”
“But why?” Yami stepped forward, but Yugi just backed away.
“Because…it wouldn’t be right.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s over,” he whispered.
The cold spot in his chest from before suddenly bloomed and consumed his body. Yami could barely hear his own voice as he said, “What do you mean?”
“It’s just too much…” Yugi said, staring down at the floor. “Seeing it all…being helpless…from day one I just wanted to help you. I saw pain in your eyes and all I knew was that I wanted to fix it. I didn’t understand you at first, I never realized until I talked to your mom exactly the kind of war you’re always fighting inside yourself. I take responsibility for that, I shouldn’t have just assumed you weren’t hurt as badly as you are. But…you’ve hidden so much from me and that’s not okay.”
He looked up at Yami desperately. Yami stared back, his skin still feeling prickly and cold. “I might hate to see you hurt, but if it meant helping you I’d do anything. Instead, I’ve watched you panic over flashbacks and the memories they’ve brought back that you pretended didn’t hurt you. I’ve watched you cry after nightmares about God-knows-what for weeks. All I’ve been able to do is watch and not understand what causes it…and you should have told me you were hurting before it went this far. How do you think I feel now, realizing that if I just knew what was happening I might have been able to stop it from getting this bad?”
“Yugi, no- I never meant-”
“Then last week you stopped sleeping altogether and I saw you…I think you were living one of your nightmares. I don’t know what you saw, but it was horrible to just sit here and watch. And the worst part…I saw that pain in your eyes again and it hit me. You’ve been through too much. I thought…I thought maybe that I should force you to get help, that maybe I should force you into therapy, but I don’t know if I should, I don’t know what to do and I’m so terrified of doing the wrong thing. I can’t do this. You’re broken and I can’t fix you. I can’t take away your pain. You won’t tell me what’s wrong, you won’t let down those walls and there’s nothing I can do.” He shook his head, struggling for composure.
“Yugi, stop. I never asked you to fix me-”
His upset tone was more than Yugi could handle. No, Yami wasn’t allowed to be the victim now, he was always the victim. Didn’t Yami understand that he was scared too? Didn’t he realize that he wasn’t the only one hurt by all this? “Exactly!” Yugi exploded. “You never asked! You never ask for anything! You just let yourself stew in self-pity and make everyone around you worry about you, but you never let us help. You just find other people to place the blame on when you’re upset, you don’t act rationally. Look at what you did after the fight I was in. You did something terrible instead of talking to me!”
“But they-”
“Don’t make excuses,” Yugi snapped. “There is no excuse.”
Yami flinched, a reflex so pathetic that it made Yugi want to shout louder. Fight back! He wanted to scream. Don’t break, don’t say no, fight back for me!
Yami wasn’t fighting, wasn’t moving. Yugi suddenly felt incredibly tired. “If you really wanted help, you knew I was here,” he said. “It scared me, what I might have to face, but I was ready. I’ve been here all this time, afraid but still ready to go through whatever I’d have to for you, but you never let me in.”
His eyes darkened. “That isn’t true.”
“If it’s not true, then tell me who Shoua is.”
Yami didn’t answer. Yugi narrowed his eyes, blinking away tears before Yami could see them. “Is he the boy with you in that picture you didn’t show me? The one with brown hair?”
“You went through my pictures?” Yami demanded. “Those were private!”
“I found the picture on accident. Good thing too, or I wouldn’t even have a face to put to the name. What are you hiding about him?”
“It’s not important. I knew him a long time ago.”
“That’s a lie.”
Yami took a step back, startled by the venom in Yugi’s voice.
“Yugi-”
“Obviously he’s still important to you. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t have kept him a secret. I know for a fact that there’s nothing that would make me love you less. There is no secret about this person you could tell me to make me hate you and I always thought you knew that. For God’s sake, I defended you when- I had a million reasons not to, I knew that I shouldn’t, but I defended you. I put aside all my morals just because I loved you. I don’t know what secret you’re hiding about this guy, but the fact that you won’t trust me with it isn’t okay. I’ve given you everything I have, I’ve bared my soul to you, but you still don’t want to tell me, you don’t want to let me into that place. Unless you decide that you can, this can’t work.”
Against his will, the tears were beginning to slip into his voice. The mix of hurt and anger was enough to break Yami’s heart and he reached out, saying,
“Yugi…please understand. I’ll be better, we can still make it work-”
“Can you tell me that you love me?”
Yami stared at him. “What?”
“Can you tell me that you love me yet?” Yugi asked quietly. “I need to hear those words sometimes, you know? I realize they’re just words, but…I want to hear them from you.”
Yami was silent. Yugi nodded. “I thought so,” he whispered.
Yami shook his head slowly, his voice breaking. “Don’t…don’t do this.”
Yugi’s voice didn’t waver in its grim determination. “Yami, I love you. I don’t know what it was that made me come back that first day, but whatever it was, it turned into love. But I’m not what you need and if I’m not…then it’s pointless for me to keep putting myself through this. I have a life, too. I have friends and my family and my grandpa is hurt and I’m scared and…I would hold you up too if you’d just let me, but I can’t live the way it is now, trying to hold you up with you shoving me back. It hurts too much.” He drew in a deep breath, not looking up this time, not able to handle whatever the expression was on Yami’s face. “And I…I have to go.”
“Yugi, no, wait-”
“I can’t.” Turning, not letting Yami see when the tears escaped his eyes, he strode out of the room, down the hall his mother and the nurse had taken. Yami remained where he was, unable to move. It didn’t feel real. Maybe it was a nightmare, maybe he would wake up and Yugi would be there, holding him, saying it was okay…
No, it couldn’t be. No nightmare could hurt this badly.
Why would he think he needed to heal me? That was never his job; he never should have had to believe that it was…
But for the first time, he was able to clearly look back at how he’d been acting recently. He’d been so lost and confused and tangled up, not once had he ever thought of how his actions were affecting Yugi. All he knew was that even in the worst, Yugi was like an anchor for him. He was a safe place, a shelter…
I used him. He loved me and all I did…was use him. I never thought…I never saw what it was doing…
Every time something bad happened, Yugi was there, holding onto him and trying to keep him steady. Every time he was hurt, Yugi would offer him help. Yugi had given him everything he had to offer. And he…he had let ghosts and memories destroy the only good thing he had.
“No…you never let me down, not once.” he found himself whispering. “You’ve offered me your hand so many times when I was already down…but I never took it. I never even saw it.”
Slowly, he backed toward the door.
Yugi…how much damage have I done?
It was too late to ask that now. Too late to have regrets, too late to make amends…Yugi had been strong enough to let go.
Now he had no anchor, nothing to hold him back, nothing to protect him from himself. The one thing that protected him from pain was now the source. And there was only one action he knew how to take on his own.
When Yugi and his mother walked back out, the waiting room was empty.
X - X - X
Notes: Sad chapter. One of the worst truths. Sometimes love isn’t enough.
This one took a long time to get written, trying to strike a balance between all the different emotions. In the end I think I'm happy with it. (I can't help feeling like it got a little over-dramatic, but at the same time drama seemed kind of necessary...) Not that long of a wait between chapters this time, either. I would have pushed it back a bit more, but I have a rare Thursday off work and wanted to celebrate...with angst. xD;
Chapter: 21
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 -
---
The moment the phone rang, Yami snatched it. It was nearly seven o’clock and he’d spent the last hour staring at it, willing it to make a sound. “Hello?”
“Yami, hey. It’s Anzu.”
“Oh…hi,” he said, his hope fading away.
“Is Yugi back yet?”
“No, he’s-”
“I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news. I was about to rush over, but Yugi practically begged me not to skip work. Have you gotten any updates?”
Confused, Yami asked, “Updates on what?”
“His grandfather of course! When Yugi called he told me that he was still in testing-”
“His grandfather? Testing?” Yami gripped the phone. “What…what are you talking about?”
Anzu faltered. “Oh…I’m sorry, I assumed Yugi talked to you…he told me that he’d already called you.”
“Yugi did call me, he told my mom to tell me that he and friends of the family were going out.”
There was silence on the other end of the line.
“Anzu?”
“I…I don’t know why he’d tell you that.”
“What’s going on?”
When she spoke, it was hesitantly, as if she wasn’t sure if she should or not. “His grandfather had a heart attack this afternoon. He called me from the hospital to tell me and he said that he was in testing, but they didn’t know if he needed surgery yet or not.”
Yami was shaking. “Did…did he say which hospital?”
“Domino General Hos-”
“Thank you Anzu. I’ll call you later.” Yami hung up, pulled on his shoes and grabbed the keys and his jacket. He felt for his wallet, but the pocket was empty. He checked the hallway and stairs, but it wasn’t there.
Come on, come on, I don’t have time for this…
Frantic by now, he gave up the search and dashed down to the store to grab some money from the register for a taxi before sprinting out the door.
- - -
Fifteen minutes later, as he finally located the correct waiting room, he paused to catch his breath and looked around. He immediately recognized Yugi, huddled in a chair, and strode forward.
“Yugi…Yugi!”
Yugi turned around, his eyes widening. “Yami?”
Before he knew it, he was out of the chair and in Yami’s arms. Yami, embracing him tightly and stroking his hair with one hand, whispered, “Yugi, are you okay? Talk to me, tell me what happened.”
Yugi knew he should push him away, but he couldn’t. Not now, not as he gave in to the fear he’d felt all day. “It’s G-Grandpa…the doctor said it was a heart attack. It was awful, Yami…one second he looked okay and the next…” He couldn’t even finish, choking on his words.
“It’s okay,” Yami whispered, still holding him. “Grandfather is strong; he can make it through this. It’s going to be okay.”
“A nurse came out a little while ago and told us the surgery was almost over, but he didn’t say if it went well or not.” He gulped back his fear. “Wh-what if that means he won’t be okay?”
“That’s not what it means,” Yami said firmly. “I don’t think they’re even allowed to say how they think things are going until it’s completely over. So I bet he’s doing fine.”
“But what if-”
“Now is not the time for what-if’s.” Yami pressed his lips to his forehead, feeling Yugi shake. “It’s going to be alright, Yugi. Believe in that.”
Yugi managed to nod as Yami carefully lowered them down onto one of the seats. Not knowing what else to do, all he could think of was to keep Yugi talking. “Now tell me what happened.”
In bits and pieces Yugi told him the story, leaving out the discussion he’d had with his grandfather before the heart attack happened. He wanted to ask Yami how he knew to come to the hospital, but didn’t want to explain right then about why he’d lied. The truth would come out too soon as it was. But for now Yami didn’t say anything, he just listened and held onto him quietly, even after Yugi stopped talking.
Yugi sighed, pressing his face to Yami’s chest. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted his mother, turning back around casually, as if she hadn’t been watching. She’d been awfully understanding about Yami lately. Despite all the signs that he was losing it, just as she had predicted, she hadn’t said anything against him. Yugi had barely noticed the change, what with everything else going on. Then again, he thought glumly, Yami was doing well enough proving her points on his own without her commentary.
Shifting slightly, he peered up at Yami. He hadn’t seen Yami this…focused…in days. Weeks even. It was like a fog had lifted from his eyes. Whatever he’d been struggling with seemed to have vanished in his desire to be there for Yugi. And he found himself remembering how much he’d wished Yami was there at his side and now here he was and Yugi felt…safe.
He wished he didn’t. This was exactly why he hadn’t called him. He didn’t want to see Yami caring for him, worrying about him…that would only make things harder.
“Yugi…?” He felt one of Yami’s hands on his hair. His voice sounded subdued.
“Mn?” He sat up a little straighter to meet his eyes.
“Why…why didn’t you tell me about this the moment it happened? And why did you lie to my mother and tell her to lie to me about it? This was something really bad and really huge and I should have been here with you.” His tone was sad. “Why didn’t you let me be here?”
Yugi lowered his eyes. “Because you didn’t deserve this.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, Yami. It’s just…I didn’t want to.” He looked up at him desperately. “You were looking forward to shopping with your mother and you slept okay last night and…you were looking calm and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything to destroy that. Not now.”
“But Yugi,” he said, “something like this is more important than that! Grandfather is like family to me, I should have known about this the moment it happened, regardless of any worry it caused!”
“No…no, it isn’t!” Yugi couldn’t take seeing the disappointed look in Yami’s eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, don’t…I don’t want your comfort!”
“What are you talking about?” Yami tried to tighten his grip, but Yugi pushed his arms away and stood up.
“Yami, I…”
“Excuse me, Sugoroku Mutou’s family?”
They turned to see a nurse, the one who had come out earlier.
“Yes?” Yugi’s mother asked, rising from her seat.
“You’ll be pleased to know the surgery went well. He is still very groggy, so we would like to wait another half hour before allowing visitors in. However, if you would like to speak to the doctor about the details and recovery period, now would be fine.”
“Thank you.” Mrs. Mutou turned. “Yugi, Yami?”
“I’ll be along in a minute, Mom,” Yugi said quietly.
“Okay.” She left with the nurse, leaving them alone. Yami stood.
“Yugi, what’s going on? What were you trying to say before?”
“I said…that I didn’t want your comfort.”
“But why?” Yami stepped forward, but Yugi just backed away.
“Because…it wouldn’t be right.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s over,” he whispered.
The cold spot in his chest from before suddenly bloomed and consumed his body. Yami could barely hear his own voice as he said, “What do you mean?”
“It’s just too much…” Yugi said, staring down at the floor. “Seeing it all…being helpless…from day one I just wanted to help you. I saw pain in your eyes and all I knew was that I wanted to fix it. I didn’t understand you at first, I never realized until I talked to your mom exactly the kind of war you’re always fighting inside yourself. I take responsibility for that, I shouldn’t have just assumed you weren’t hurt as badly as you are. But…you’ve hidden so much from me and that’s not okay.”
He looked up at Yami desperately. Yami stared back, his skin still feeling prickly and cold. “I might hate to see you hurt, but if it meant helping you I’d do anything. Instead, I’ve watched you panic over flashbacks and the memories they’ve brought back that you pretended didn’t hurt you. I’ve watched you cry after nightmares about God-knows-what for weeks. All I’ve been able to do is watch and not understand what causes it…and you should have told me you were hurting before it went this far. How do you think I feel now, realizing that if I just knew what was happening I might have been able to stop it from getting this bad?”
“Yugi, no- I never meant-”
“Then last week you stopped sleeping altogether and I saw you…I think you were living one of your nightmares. I don’t know what you saw, but it was horrible to just sit here and watch. And the worst part…I saw that pain in your eyes again and it hit me. You’ve been through too much. I thought…I thought maybe that I should force you to get help, that maybe I should force you into therapy, but I don’t know if I should, I don’t know what to do and I’m so terrified of doing the wrong thing. I can’t do this. You’re broken and I can’t fix you. I can’t take away your pain. You won’t tell me what’s wrong, you won’t let down those walls and there’s nothing I can do.” He shook his head, struggling for composure.
“Yugi, stop. I never asked you to fix me-”
His upset tone was more than Yugi could handle. No, Yami wasn’t allowed to be the victim now, he was always the victim. Didn’t Yami understand that he was scared too? Didn’t he realize that he wasn’t the only one hurt by all this? “Exactly!” Yugi exploded. “You never asked! You never ask for anything! You just let yourself stew in self-pity and make everyone around you worry about you, but you never let us help. You just find other people to place the blame on when you’re upset, you don’t act rationally. Look at what you did after the fight I was in. You did something terrible instead of talking to me!”
“But they-”
“Don’t make excuses,” Yugi snapped. “There is no excuse.”
Yami flinched, a reflex so pathetic that it made Yugi want to shout louder. Fight back! He wanted to scream. Don’t break, don’t say no, fight back for me!
Yami wasn’t fighting, wasn’t moving. Yugi suddenly felt incredibly tired. “If you really wanted help, you knew I was here,” he said. “It scared me, what I might have to face, but I was ready. I’ve been here all this time, afraid but still ready to go through whatever I’d have to for you, but you never let me in.”
His eyes darkened. “That isn’t true.”
“If it’s not true, then tell me who Shoua is.”
Yami didn’t answer. Yugi narrowed his eyes, blinking away tears before Yami could see them. “Is he the boy with you in that picture you didn’t show me? The one with brown hair?”
“You went through my pictures?” Yami demanded. “Those were private!”
“I found the picture on accident. Good thing too, or I wouldn’t even have a face to put to the name. What are you hiding about him?”
“It’s not important. I knew him a long time ago.”
“That’s a lie.”
Yami took a step back, startled by the venom in Yugi’s voice.
“Yugi-”
“Obviously he’s still important to you. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t have kept him a secret. I know for a fact that there’s nothing that would make me love you less. There is no secret about this person you could tell me to make me hate you and I always thought you knew that. For God’s sake, I defended you when- I had a million reasons not to, I knew that I shouldn’t, but I defended you. I put aside all my morals just because I loved you. I don’t know what secret you’re hiding about this guy, but the fact that you won’t trust me with it isn’t okay. I’ve given you everything I have, I’ve bared my soul to you, but you still don’t want to tell me, you don’t want to let me into that place. Unless you decide that you can, this can’t work.”
Against his will, the tears were beginning to slip into his voice. The mix of hurt and anger was enough to break Yami’s heart and he reached out, saying,
“Yugi…please understand. I’ll be better, we can still make it work-”
“Can you tell me that you love me?”
Yami stared at him. “What?”
“Can you tell me that you love me yet?” Yugi asked quietly. “I need to hear those words sometimes, you know? I realize they’re just words, but…I want to hear them from you.”
Yami was silent. Yugi nodded. “I thought so,” he whispered.
Yami shook his head slowly, his voice breaking. “Don’t…don’t do this.”
Yugi’s voice didn’t waver in its grim determination. “Yami, I love you. I don’t know what it was that made me come back that first day, but whatever it was, it turned into love. But I’m not what you need and if I’m not…then it’s pointless for me to keep putting myself through this. I have a life, too. I have friends and my family and my grandpa is hurt and I’m scared and…I would hold you up too if you’d just let me, but I can’t live the way it is now, trying to hold you up with you shoving me back. It hurts too much.” He drew in a deep breath, not looking up this time, not able to handle whatever the expression was on Yami’s face. “And I…I have to go.”
“Yugi, no, wait-”
“I can’t.” Turning, not letting Yami see when the tears escaped his eyes, he strode out of the room, down the hall his mother and the nurse had taken. Yami remained where he was, unable to move. It didn’t feel real. Maybe it was a nightmare, maybe he would wake up and Yugi would be there, holding him, saying it was okay…
No, it couldn’t be. No nightmare could hurt this badly.
Why would he think he needed to heal me? That was never his job; he never should have had to believe that it was…
But for the first time, he was able to clearly look back at how he’d been acting recently. He’d been so lost and confused and tangled up, not once had he ever thought of how his actions were affecting Yugi. All he knew was that even in the worst, Yugi was like an anchor for him. He was a safe place, a shelter…
I used him. He loved me and all I did…was use him. I never thought…I never saw what it was doing…
Every time something bad happened, Yugi was there, holding onto him and trying to keep him steady. Every time he was hurt, Yugi would offer him help. Yugi had given him everything he had to offer. And he…he had let ghosts and memories destroy the only good thing he had.
“No…you never let me down, not once.” he found himself whispering. “You’ve offered me your hand so many times when I was already down…but I never took it. I never even saw it.”
Slowly, he backed toward the door.
Yugi…how much damage have I done?
It was too late to ask that now. Too late to have regrets, too late to make amends…Yugi had been strong enough to let go.
Now he had no anchor, nothing to hold him back, nothing to protect him from himself. The one thing that protected him from pain was now the source. And there was only one action he knew how to take on his own.
When Yugi and his mother walked back out, the waiting room was empty.
X - X - X
Notes: Sad chapter. One of the worst truths. Sometimes love isn’t enough.
This one took a long time to get written, trying to strike a balance between all the different emotions. In the end I think I'm happy with it. (I can't help feeling like it got a little over-dramatic, but at the same time drama seemed kind of necessary...) Not that long of a wait between chapters this time, either. I would have pushed it back a bit more, but I have a rare Thursday off work and wanted to celebrate...with angst. xD;