[fic] Just Don't Look Back, Chapter 19 - Yugioh, YamixYugi, angst/romance, R, AU
Title: Just Don't Look Back
Chapter: 19
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 -
---
Yugi managed to turn his muffled yawn into a soft shhh-ing sound as he looked blearily over at the clock on his table. From across the room it was difficult to read and he couldn’t get up with Yami clinging to his shirt the way he was.
It had been over a week since Yami had first come to his room seeking comfort from nightmares. Jail seemed to have stripped away whatever control of his fears he’d had left. Yugi didn’t have the heart to make him go back to sleeping on the couch, even knowing there was a small risk of being caught. If it helps him, he told himself.
Yugi shifted his weight to get a better grasp on Yami, resting his chin in his hair. Nine days since then. How many nightmares? Yugi honestly wasn’t sure. Some nights he knew there had been more than one. Others he suspected he might have slept right through, exhausted as he was from being constantly awoken by Yami’s thrashing.
He did his best to hide his tiredness. If his presence helped Yami get back to sleep and perhaps have less nightmares at all, then it was well worth it.
But Yami knew. Yugi had a feeling deep down that he did. He saw the way Yami would glance worriedly at him during the day and he was positive that Yami’s concern over how tired school made him had absolutely nothing to do with school at all.
In his arms he felt Yami’s body relaxing, hopefully falling back asleep. In a selfish way, it was disappointing. Between the exhaustion and the dark reasons why Yami had to come to him, there was no room to enjoy the intimacy that was supposed to come with sleeping side-by-side. He’d always liked sleeping beside Yami, it was warm and romantic and in his opinion they’d been entirely too deprived of the opportunity. Now here they were and Yugi couldn’t enjoy it, too busy worrying or getting kicked in the leg whenever Yami had a nightmare.
He still wasn’t talking. Yugi didn’t even try to count the number of times he’d attempted to discuss the dreams with him. It was like back when they first met, Yami could - and would - evade even the smallest hint of conversation about anything that discomforted him.
“Yami, there’s no shame in having nightmares. You know you can talk to me about anything that’s bothering you,” he’d tried to tell him just the day before, only to discover that Yami had conveniently gone temporarily deaf.
It frustrated him, terrified him. Every waking moment Yugi carried a heavy, sick fear in his stomach and there was nothing Yami would let him do. Talking had always been Yami’s choice before, it wasn’t something Yugi could control. He’d just had to wait till Yami decided he wanted to talk. Now there was something causing him to shut down, but for whatever reason he wasn’t admitting it.
People were supposed to fall apart. There were supposed to be pieces for others to pick up and help them put back together. Yugi was ready, he was ready to pick up the pieces, but Yami wasn’t falling apart, he was falling inward, to some place where Yugi couldn’t touch him.
Yugi swallowed heavily, his heart thudding. He didn’t know how to make Yami need to talk, he didn’t know how to breach that wall on his own. His own helplessness infuriated him as he wondered, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he need me?
Yami loved him. People in love were supposed to want to go to each other for help.
He isn’t even able to say he loves me though.
He shook his head. Yami did love him, he believed that. Maybe love just didn’t translate to need. Or was it that Yami needed him that much - too much? To the point that he was reversing and pulling away? Strong emotions had scared him before.
Yugi’s hands clenched. He didn’t know, and Yami wasn’t letting him know. And there was a part of Yugi someplace that wasn’t sure he wanted to know; part of him that was afraid of what he’d find if Yami ever did open himself completely.
He hated that part of himself.
Feeling his partner’s breathing even out and his grip go slack, Yugi kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. He wasn’t able to fall back asleep again.
- - -
The next morning, as he was picking glumly at a piece of toast, Yami saw Yugi coming into the room carrying his backpack and yawning.
“Hi Yugi.”
Yugi’s eyes shot open and attempted to stifle the yawn. “Oh…Yami, I didn’t know you were in here.”
“Well, I am.” Yami looked at him closely. “You look tired.”
“Oh, no, I slept fine.”
“I kept you up, didn’t I?” he murmured.
“No…well, you woke me up once, that’s not much.”
“I mean lately.”
Yugi quickly looked at the clock and grabbed a piece of Yami’s untouched toast. “I’ve got to get to the bus stop before it gets too late. I’ll see you this afternoon!” He pecked his forehead and was down the stairs before Yami could even say good-bye.
If Yami realizes how often he’s keeping me awake with his nightmares, he’s only going to feel worse, Yugi told himself as he hurried away from the house, trying to push off the guilt from seeing Yami’s confused expression. I had to get out of there before he realized anything was wrong.
It was a little too late for that. Yami was already aware that something was terribly wrong.
It’s these goddamn nightmares! He growled, resting his forehead in his hands. If only he could make them go away…it was bad enough that he was keeping Yugi awake, but even worse that out of love Yugi kept telling him it was okay to sleep in his room; insisting, in fact, that he wanted Yami to if it helped. Truthfully his memories of exactly what happened right after he was woken up were blurry…but he almost always remembered Yugi being there, trying to soothe him. He wasn’t entirely sure how much Yugi heard or saw, but he could tell it was stressing Yugi out.
The guilt over that was bad enough. Yet the worst thing of all was what happened in the dreams. Gone were the images of the past, replaced now with new horrors. Yugi leaving him. Yugi hating him. Yugi dying the way Shoua had and Yami unable to do anything to stop it, knowing he was the one who had caused it.
It isn’t real. It isn’t real and I can handle dreams.
His subconscious seemed to disagree, tormenting him night after night with the images. He couldn’t even bring himself to discuss them with Yugi, terrified at what Yugi would think. More than once he’d felt that old need to vanish. He’d gone as far as packing all of his things before he gathered the strength to fight the urge off.
Groaning, he sighed and stood up carefully to avoid becoming dizzy, throwing the other nibbled-at piece of toast in the garbage. He could barely force himself to eat these days. His stomach was a wreck, and everything he tried to eat would stick in his throat and make him feel sick. He made his way down to the Shop, unlocking the door and setting up for the day mechanically. He could hardly concentrate.
If only I didn’t have to sleep.
Inspiration came to him in a blurry flash. Of course, if he didn’t sleep, he wouldn’t have nightmares. Yugi would be able to sleep all night and wouldn’t look so tired or nervous, and Yami…
I’ll never have to see Yugi leave me again.
That thought cemented the idea. The idea of never again reliving that scene in his mind was enough to actually cheer him up; to the point that he went to visit his mother that evening, something he’d avoided doing recently in fear that she would somehow be able to sense something wasn’t right with him.
Yugi noticed. “You were awfully cheerful today,” he observed as Yami went through his nightly ritual of shaking a blanket out over the couch bed, even knowing that Yami would be sneaking back to his room soon enough.
“Well…I just have a feeling things are looking up.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
Yugi beamed. “I’m glad.” He leaned over and spontaneously kissed him.
“What was that for?”
“I’m just happy to see you happy,” he said and blushed.
Yami smiled and kissed him back, wishing him good night.
Not sleeping turned out to be easier than he thought it would be. As soon as he snuck into Yugi’s room and was sure that Yugi was asleep beside him, he flipped on the reading lamp and spent the night reading and solving puzzles in the previous day’s paper. The next morning he actually felt better than usual and was pleased to see Yugi also looking bright and well-rested. He couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t had this idea before.
As the day progressed, however, he felt the dizziness coming back, worse than earlier, along with confusion. He hid it carefully, slipping up only when Yugi’s father left that evening on another business trip, and an hour later he inquired why Mr. Mutou wasn’t joining them at dinner. He could feel Yugi staring at him suspiciously, but thankfully he didn’t pry.
That night trying to read didn’t work, all the words blurred together and finally he gave up and just lay beside Yugi, listening to him breathe. He only dozed off twice, quickly re-awaking. The next morning he felt a little better, especially after the four cups of tea he drank, but by the next day his ability to concentrate at all had evaporated and he was highly irritable, snapping at any customers who dared to ask him questions.
Yugi’s grandfather, after several concerned attempts to ask Yami what was wrong, gave him a list of games to go search the stock room for, and eventually told him to take the rest of the day off and go lay down. His reaction time had slowed to the point that he couldn’t be trusted to talk to customers, and Sugoroku was afraid he’d trip and injure himself if he spent too much time in the stock room.
Yugi didn’t attempt to discuss Yami’s odd behavior, short-term memory loss, or sudden love of caffeinated drinks with him. He suspected that Yami was either having very quiet nightmares or was forcing himself to stay awake. The night before he’d woken up a few times and could feel Yami moving around, clearly not asleep. But he decided not to say anything. Eventually, he thought, Yami would get so tired that he’d give up, fall asleep and get back to normal.
The next day Yami dozed off mid-step and almost fell down the stairs, and despite his insisting (in the general direction of Yugi’s grandfather) that he was fine, Sugoroku ordered him to stay upstairs and rest. He also snagged Yugi and hissed, “Keep an eye on him.”
Yugi, who had every intention of watching him whether told to or not, agreed and headed upstairs, spotting Yami sitting on the couch, staring intently at the window.
“Hi Yami.”
“Hmn.”
“What are you looking at?”
“Those birds.” Yami pointed.
Yugi peered out the window and said, puzzled, “I don’t see any birds.”
“Right there,” Yami insisted, attempting to steady his hand.
Looking out the window into a completely empty sky, Yugi felt a twist of nervousness in his chest. Praying that Yami was just joking, he played along. “Oh, I see them now.”
Apparently satisfied, Yami dropped his hand and got to his feet, carefully skirting a perfectly empty section of floor and making his way into the kitchen, where he proceeded to stare into the cabinet with glasses before turning and asking Yugi, “Where are the glasses? I’m thirsty.”
“They’re…right in front of you.”
“Ah, so they are.”
“Yami, maybe you ought to let me get that.” Yugi gently pushed him away from the glass dishes and got him a can of soda instead, which it took him several blank moments to figure out how to open.
“Are you feeling okay?” Yugi finally asked.
“Of course I am,” he replied indignantly to the stove in front of him.
“Yami, I’m over here.”
He looked over at him, bewilderment flashing in his dulled eyes, then looked back at the stove. “How did you…? You were…over there…” He glanced around, then looked behind him and addressed the wall, “Yugi, this isn’t funny. I’m tired and you’re making me dizzy. Stand still.”
Honestly scared now, Yugi finally remembered something he read once online; that sleep deprivation could cause hallucinations. But Yugi thought he’d only been up for a day or so, surely hallucinations wouldn’t set in that fast. Unless he was wrong about the number of days…
He waved his hand until Yami seemed to be focusing on him and asked, “Yami, when’s the last time you got any sleep?”
“I…I don’t know.” He wobbled. Yugi rushed forward, leading him back to the couch.
“You need to sleep.”
“No I don’t. And watch out for the chair.”
“Yami, you’re hallucinating, there’s no chair!”
Looking bemused, Yami walked around where he insisted there was a chair and allowed Yugi to make him sit down.
“Listen to me, Yami…you really, really need to get some sleep,” Yugi begged.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not even close to fine! Grandpa won’t let you go downstairs to work because he’s afraid you’ll hurt yourself. And now you’re seeing things that aren’t there.”
“That’s better than seeing things that are.”
“What?”
But Yami didn’t answer, too busy staring out the window at imaginary birds again, his eyes half closed. The ghosts giggled in his head.
“If you’re not sleeping in an attempt to avoid your nightmares, it isn’t going to work,” Yugi told him, trying to interject logic into the situation.
“It is working, because you’re not dead,” Yami argued back. Yugi’s eyebrows furrowed, but he decided not to ask.
“Yami, you could get really sick if you don’t sleep-”
“I don’t need sleep!” His eyes flashed dangerously.
Yugi went silent. Shifting gears, he put his arms around Yami, carefully pulling him to his chest, leaning back against the couch in the hopes that a new plan would help. “Okay, okay…you don’t need to sleep.”
Yami’s eyes, open and glassy, gazed off across the room. He stared at the figure of a long lost memory and pushed himself up. Yugi tried to pull him back down, but Yami’s eyes were riveted on the person he saw and he pushed Yugi away. “Shoua?”
“Yami.”
“Shoua, what are you doing here?” He got up and started forward, pulling out his hand out of Yugi’s terrified grasp, but stopped in shock as his friend held up his arm. Blood was dripping from it. Yami paled, the memories of all his nightmares returning. But he was awake, so that meant…this was real? His ghost had taken a solid form now to torment him with? “Why are you doing this?!”
Shoua’s body was slowly becoming engulfed in red. “You killed me, Yami. You think you can avoid remembering so easily? Sleep or don't sleep, I can always find you.”
“No…no I didn’t!” Yami backpedaled. “Please, Shoua…leave us alone.”
“Remember? Me and Yugi? How many people will you hurt?” His scowl deepened as his flesh fell away.
“No! No, I won’t, you’re wrong!”
“Yugi will hate you, when he finds out that Ezui wasn’t your first murder-”
“Stop!”
Before his eyes the boy’s form morphed into that of Yugi, who looked at Yami accusingly, asking: “Why?”
Yami’s heart stung as he froze and pleaded, “Yugi, no, he’s wrong, it was a mistake, an accident-”
“I trusted you, Yami.” Sudden bloodstains bloomed on his clothing and Yugi stumbled to his knees. Yami ran to his side, his breath caught in his chest. He reached out, but his hand went right through Yugi’s image.
“Yugi!” he shouted at the vision, horror filling him as young man’s eyes grew dull and cold and his body sprawled backwards on the floor; a perfect imitation of the way another friend’s bloody body had been stretched out on the grass in a field filled with the dead.
Shaking, choking, he spotted movement to one side, and looked up to see himself standing nearby, watching. His fists clenched.
“You…”
The other Yami blinked impassively.
“You did this!” He got to his feet, throwing himself forward, slamming his fist into the other him. He met a hard, unyielding surface, but attacked anyway, clawing at the vision, which didn’t move, didn’t even seem fazed. “You caused this!”
“We did this,” his clone replied.
Yami cried, punching blindly. “No, I didn’t!”
Then, before his eyes, the image of himself vanished into a blank wall. He felt someone’s hands on his arms, stopping his attack, grasping him, pulling him away. He struggled, trying to fight, and spun around with his fists raised to see Shoua again, gripping him and glaring at him from inches away. “You will suffer for what you’ve done.”
“I didn’t do it!” he shouted, fists shaking. But he was unable to make himself hit him. The eyes were angry and cold now, but Yami remembered them the way they used to be. He wanted to claw at him, wanted to fight him off the same way he’d fought himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was still his friend. The person he’d grown up with, played games with… “It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t…!” He looked away, pressing his bloody fists to his face, not wanting to see his accusing brown eyes.
The chills which had taken him over suddenly faded, replaced by warmth. He felt himself being pulled into someone’s chest, felt his head coming to rest against someone’s heart as that person’s shaking hands grasped at the back of his head and shoulders. He slowly became aware of a painful stinging in his hands. And finally the sound of a voice reached him.
“Yami…Yami, come back to me, please…”
That voice…
He took in a deep breath, and recognized the scent.
“Yugi…?” he whispered into the clothing. “Yugi, you’re here?”
“Yes, it’s me.” Yugi clung to him, rocking him. “Yami, you have to sleep,” he said, and Yami could hear tears in his voice. “I don’t care what you see or what you hear in your dreams. I know how scary these nightmares must be, but I swear to you I’ll be right beside you when you wake up. But if you don’t sleep, your nightmares are going to turn into these hallucinations and…and you must not deprive yourself of sleep anymore. You’re going to hurt yourself and you’re scaring me and…however hard it is, you need rest! For me, Yami…please…”
“Y-Yugi…” He buried his face against him. “Yugi…” He turned his head then, glancing back at where the others had been. Nothing was there now, not himself, not Shoua, not Yugi’s dead body…but he kept seeing things moving out of the corner of his eyes, and knew they were still there. He could hear them; hovering just out of sight, whispering, biding their time until they could get him alone again.
Yugi almost burst into tears at the sight of Yami’s eyes, blank and cold and…dying. There was no life in them anymore. He squeezed his own eyes shut, bringing one hand up to cover his mouth as he doubled over, clutched Yami, and tried desperately not to cry.
What am I going to do? You promised me you wouldn’t go away, but I’m starting to think you’re going away…without even realizing it.
He bit his lip, some of his tears escaping and dropping down into Yami’s hair.
I don’t know what to do. I’m losing you. I’m losing you and I don’t know how to stop it…
He’d known it all along. Feared all along what he might have to face if he ever found out what it was that caused Yami’s problems. The kind of darkness, the kind of despair that could cause things like murder and madness…what if he couldn’t handle it?
He felt Yami’s chest heaving and struggled to control himself, leaning back against the side of the couch, pulling Yami with him once again. Yami kept his face pressed to Yugi’s chest, his bruised and bloody hands curling over Yugi’s clothes. Tears followed salty trails down his cheeks to dampen Yugi’s shirt.
“Yugi…you’re real.”
“I’m real.”
“You’ll keep them away from me?”
Yugi rubbed his back gently, helplessly, wishing he understood. “I’m here. It’s safe.”
He felt Yami’s body begin to relax. He jerked back to rigidity a few times, then mumbled, “Thank you.” Moments later he went limp against him, his breathing evening out. Yugi struggled a few moments longer before he gave into his tears.
His mother returned home to find them still curled on the floor in front of the couch, Yami lying against Yugi’s chest, Yugi resting his chin in Yami’s hair. Yugi, who wasn’t really sleeping, heard her footsteps and looked up to see her staring at them. Feeling a jolt of panic, he tried to think of how to explain the situation, (as well as the bloodstains on the wall) when she shook her head solemnly and held one finger to her lips to signal him to be quiet. Yugi smiled weakly and mouthed ‘thank you’ at her.
Then he wrapped his arms around Yami a bit more tightly and buried his face back in his hair. At least Yami was finally sleeping…when he woke up he probably wouldn’t be hallucinating anymore. But even that didn’t fully vanquish the terror in Yugi’s heart.
You’re still running. You kept your promise not to physically run away anymore, but deep down…you’re still trying to run inside, aren’t you? I’ve managed to pull you back so far, but…
He tightened his jaw, fighting panic, fighting the inevitable truth.
What will happen when I can’t?
X - X - X
Notes: Happy Canada Day, my up-north neighbors!
I feel like there was more exposition than usual in this chapter and normally I'm displeased with the exposition chapters, but I'm pretty happy with this one. I hope it has the impact I tried to put in it. ^^
Chapter: 19
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 -
---
Yugi managed to turn his muffled yawn into a soft shhh-ing sound as he looked blearily over at the clock on his table. From across the room it was difficult to read and he couldn’t get up with Yami clinging to his shirt the way he was.
It had been over a week since Yami had first come to his room seeking comfort from nightmares. Jail seemed to have stripped away whatever control of his fears he’d had left. Yugi didn’t have the heart to make him go back to sleeping on the couch, even knowing there was a small risk of being caught. If it helps him, he told himself.
Yugi shifted his weight to get a better grasp on Yami, resting his chin in his hair. Nine days since then. How many nightmares? Yugi honestly wasn’t sure. Some nights he knew there had been more than one. Others he suspected he might have slept right through, exhausted as he was from being constantly awoken by Yami’s thrashing.
He did his best to hide his tiredness. If his presence helped Yami get back to sleep and perhaps have less nightmares at all, then it was well worth it.
But Yami knew. Yugi had a feeling deep down that he did. He saw the way Yami would glance worriedly at him during the day and he was positive that Yami’s concern over how tired school made him had absolutely nothing to do with school at all.
In his arms he felt Yami’s body relaxing, hopefully falling back asleep. In a selfish way, it was disappointing. Between the exhaustion and the dark reasons why Yami had to come to him, there was no room to enjoy the intimacy that was supposed to come with sleeping side-by-side. He’d always liked sleeping beside Yami, it was warm and romantic and in his opinion they’d been entirely too deprived of the opportunity. Now here they were and Yugi couldn’t enjoy it, too busy worrying or getting kicked in the leg whenever Yami had a nightmare.
He still wasn’t talking. Yugi didn’t even try to count the number of times he’d attempted to discuss the dreams with him. It was like back when they first met, Yami could - and would - evade even the smallest hint of conversation about anything that discomforted him.
“Yami, there’s no shame in having nightmares. You know you can talk to me about anything that’s bothering you,” he’d tried to tell him just the day before, only to discover that Yami had conveniently gone temporarily deaf.
It frustrated him, terrified him. Every waking moment Yugi carried a heavy, sick fear in his stomach and there was nothing Yami would let him do. Talking had always been Yami’s choice before, it wasn’t something Yugi could control. He’d just had to wait till Yami decided he wanted to talk. Now there was something causing him to shut down, but for whatever reason he wasn’t admitting it.
People were supposed to fall apart. There were supposed to be pieces for others to pick up and help them put back together. Yugi was ready, he was ready to pick up the pieces, but Yami wasn’t falling apart, he was falling inward, to some place where Yugi couldn’t touch him.
Yugi swallowed heavily, his heart thudding. He didn’t know how to make Yami need to talk, he didn’t know how to breach that wall on his own. His own helplessness infuriated him as he wondered, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he need me?
Yami loved him. People in love were supposed to want to go to each other for help.
He isn’t even able to say he loves me though.
He shook his head. Yami did love him, he believed that. Maybe love just didn’t translate to need. Or was it that Yami needed him that much - too much? To the point that he was reversing and pulling away? Strong emotions had scared him before.
Yugi’s hands clenched. He didn’t know, and Yami wasn’t letting him know. And there was a part of Yugi someplace that wasn’t sure he wanted to know; part of him that was afraid of what he’d find if Yami ever did open himself completely.
He hated that part of himself.
Feeling his partner’s breathing even out and his grip go slack, Yugi kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. He wasn’t able to fall back asleep again.
- - -
The next morning, as he was picking glumly at a piece of toast, Yami saw Yugi coming into the room carrying his backpack and yawning.
“Hi Yugi.”
Yugi’s eyes shot open and attempted to stifle the yawn. “Oh…Yami, I didn’t know you were in here.”
“Well, I am.” Yami looked at him closely. “You look tired.”
“Oh, no, I slept fine.”
“I kept you up, didn’t I?” he murmured.
“No…well, you woke me up once, that’s not much.”
“I mean lately.”
Yugi quickly looked at the clock and grabbed a piece of Yami’s untouched toast. “I’ve got to get to the bus stop before it gets too late. I’ll see you this afternoon!” He pecked his forehead and was down the stairs before Yami could even say good-bye.
If Yami realizes how often he’s keeping me awake with his nightmares, he’s only going to feel worse, Yugi told himself as he hurried away from the house, trying to push off the guilt from seeing Yami’s confused expression. I had to get out of there before he realized anything was wrong.
It was a little too late for that. Yami was already aware that something was terribly wrong.
It’s these goddamn nightmares! He growled, resting his forehead in his hands. If only he could make them go away…it was bad enough that he was keeping Yugi awake, but even worse that out of love Yugi kept telling him it was okay to sleep in his room; insisting, in fact, that he wanted Yami to if it helped. Truthfully his memories of exactly what happened right after he was woken up were blurry…but he almost always remembered Yugi being there, trying to soothe him. He wasn’t entirely sure how much Yugi heard or saw, but he could tell it was stressing Yugi out.
The guilt over that was bad enough. Yet the worst thing of all was what happened in the dreams. Gone were the images of the past, replaced now with new horrors. Yugi leaving him. Yugi hating him. Yugi dying the way Shoua had and Yami unable to do anything to stop it, knowing he was the one who had caused it.
It isn’t real. It isn’t real and I can handle dreams.
His subconscious seemed to disagree, tormenting him night after night with the images. He couldn’t even bring himself to discuss them with Yugi, terrified at what Yugi would think. More than once he’d felt that old need to vanish. He’d gone as far as packing all of his things before he gathered the strength to fight the urge off.
Groaning, he sighed and stood up carefully to avoid becoming dizzy, throwing the other nibbled-at piece of toast in the garbage. He could barely force himself to eat these days. His stomach was a wreck, and everything he tried to eat would stick in his throat and make him feel sick. He made his way down to the Shop, unlocking the door and setting up for the day mechanically. He could hardly concentrate.
If only I didn’t have to sleep.
Inspiration came to him in a blurry flash. Of course, if he didn’t sleep, he wouldn’t have nightmares. Yugi would be able to sleep all night and wouldn’t look so tired or nervous, and Yami…
I’ll never have to see Yugi leave me again.
That thought cemented the idea. The idea of never again reliving that scene in his mind was enough to actually cheer him up; to the point that he went to visit his mother that evening, something he’d avoided doing recently in fear that she would somehow be able to sense something wasn’t right with him.
Yugi noticed. “You were awfully cheerful today,” he observed as Yami went through his nightly ritual of shaking a blanket out over the couch bed, even knowing that Yami would be sneaking back to his room soon enough.
“Well…I just have a feeling things are looking up.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
Yugi beamed. “I’m glad.” He leaned over and spontaneously kissed him.
“What was that for?”
“I’m just happy to see you happy,” he said and blushed.
Yami smiled and kissed him back, wishing him good night.
Not sleeping turned out to be easier than he thought it would be. As soon as he snuck into Yugi’s room and was sure that Yugi was asleep beside him, he flipped on the reading lamp and spent the night reading and solving puzzles in the previous day’s paper. The next morning he actually felt better than usual and was pleased to see Yugi also looking bright and well-rested. He couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t had this idea before.
As the day progressed, however, he felt the dizziness coming back, worse than earlier, along with confusion. He hid it carefully, slipping up only when Yugi’s father left that evening on another business trip, and an hour later he inquired why Mr. Mutou wasn’t joining them at dinner. He could feel Yugi staring at him suspiciously, but thankfully he didn’t pry.
That night trying to read didn’t work, all the words blurred together and finally he gave up and just lay beside Yugi, listening to him breathe. He only dozed off twice, quickly re-awaking. The next morning he felt a little better, especially after the four cups of tea he drank, but by the next day his ability to concentrate at all had evaporated and he was highly irritable, snapping at any customers who dared to ask him questions.
Yugi’s grandfather, after several concerned attempts to ask Yami what was wrong, gave him a list of games to go search the stock room for, and eventually told him to take the rest of the day off and go lay down. His reaction time had slowed to the point that he couldn’t be trusted to talk to customers, and Sugoroku was afraid he’d trip and injure himself if he spent too much time in the stock room.
Yugi didn’t attempt to discuss Yami’s odd behavior, short-term memory loss, or sudden love of caffeinated drinks with him. He suspected that Yami was either having very quiet nightmares or was forcing himself to stay awake. The night before he’d woken up a few times and could feel Yami moving around, clearly not asleep. But he decided not to say anything. Eventually, he thought, Yami would get so tired that he’d give up, fall asleep and get back to normal.
The next day Yami dozed off mid-step and almost fell down the stairs, and despite his insisting (in the general direction of Yugi’s grandfather) that he was fine, Sugoroku ordered him to stay upstairs and rest. He also snagged Yugi and hissed, “Keep an eye on him.”
Yugi, who had every intention of watching him whether told to or not, agreed and headed upstairs, spotting Yami sitting on the couch, staring intently at the window.
“Hi Yami.”
“Hmn.”
“What are you looking at?”
“Those birds.” Yami pointed.
Yugi peered out the window and said, puzzled, “I don’t see any birds.”
“Right there,” Yami insisted, attempting to steady his hand.
Looking out the window into a completely empty sky, Yugi felt a twist of nervousness in his chest. Praying that Yami was just joking, he played along. “Oh, I see them now.”
Apparently satisfied, Yami dropped his hand and got to his feet, carefully skirting a perfectly empty section of floor and making his way into the kitchen, where he proceeded to stare into the cabinet with glasses before turning and asking Yugi, “Where are the glasses? I’m thirsty.”
“They’re…right in front of you.”
“Ah, so they are.”
“Yami, maybe you ought to let me get that.” Yugi gently pushed him away from the glass dishes and got him a can of soda instead, which it took him several blank moments to figure out how to open.
“Are you feeling okay?” Yugi finally asked.
“Of course I am,” he replied indignantly to the stove in front of him.
“Yami, I’m over here.”
He looked over at him, bewilderment flashing in his dulled eyes, then looked back at the stove. “How did you…? You were…over there…” He glanced around, then looked behind him and addressed the wall, “Yugi, this isn’t funny. I’m tired and you’re making me dizzy. Stand still.”
Honestly scared now, Yugi finally remembered something he read once online; that sleep deprivation could cause hallucinations. But Yugi thought he’d only been up for a day or so, surely hallucinations wouldn’t set in that fast. Unless he was wrong about the number of days…
He waved his hand until Yami seemed to be focusing on him and asked, “Yami, when’s the last time you got any sleep?”
“I…I don’t know.” He wobbled. Yugi rushed forward, leading him back to the couch.
“You need to sleep.”
“No I don’t. And watch out for the chair.”
“Yami, you’re hallucinating, there’s no chair!”
Looking bemused, Yami walked around where he insisted there was a chair and allowed Yugi to make him sit down.
“Listen to me, Yami…you really, really need to get some sleep,” Yugi begged.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not even close to fine! Grandpa won’t let you go downstairs to work because he’s afraid you’ll hurt yourself. And now you’re seeing things that aren’t there.”
“That’s better than seeing things that are.”
“What?”
But Yami didn’t answer, too busy staring out the window at imaginary birds again, his eyes half closed. The ghosts giggled in his head.
“If you’re not sleeping in an attempt to avoid your nightmares, it isn’t going to work,” Yugi told him, trying to interject logic into the situation.
“It is working, because you’re not dead,” Yami argued back. Yugi’s eyebrows furrowed, but he decided not to ask.
“Yami, you could get really sick if you don’t sleep-”
“I don’t need sleep!” His eyes flashed dangerously.
Yugi went silent. Shifting gears, he put his arms around Yami, carefully pulling him to his chest, leaning back against the couch in the hopes that a new plan would help. “Okay, okay…you don’t need to sleep.”
Yami’s eyes, open and glassy, gazed off across the room. He stared at the figure of a long lost memory and pushed himself up. Yugi tried to pull him back down, but Yami’s eyes were riveted on the person he saw and he pushed Yugi away. “Shoua?”
“Yami.”
“Shoua, what are you doing here?” He got up and started forward, pulling out his hand out of Yugi’s terrified grasp, but stopped in shock as his friend held up his arm. Blood was dripping from it. Yami paled, the memories of all his nightmares returning. But he was awake, so that meant…this was real? His ghost had taken a solid form now to torment him with? “Why are you doing this?!”
Shoua’s body was slowly becoming engulfed in red. “You killed me, Yami. You think you can avoid remembering so easily? Sleep or don't sleep, I can always find you.”
“No…no I didn’t!” Yami backpedaled. “Please, Shoua…leave us alone.”
“Remember? Me and Yugi? How many people will you hurt?” His scowl deepened as his flesh fell away.
“No! No, I won’t, you’re wrong!”
“Yugi will hate you, when he finds out that Ezui wasn’t your first murder-”
“Stop!”
Before his eyes the boy’s form morphed into that of Yugi, who looked at Yami accusingly, asking: “Why?”
Yami’s heart stung as he froze and pleaded, “Yugi, no, he’s wrong, it was a mistake, an accident-”
“I trusted you, Yami.” Sudden bloodstains bloomed on his clothing and Yugi stumbled to his knees. Yami ran to his side, his breath caught in his chest. He reached out, but his hand went right through Yugi’s image.
“Yugi!” he shouted at the vision, horror filling him as young man’s eyes grew dull and cold and his body sprawled backwards on the floor; a perfect imitation of the way another friend’s bloody body had been stretched out on the grass in a field filled with the dead.
Shaking, choking, he spotted movement to one side, and looked up to see himself standing nearby, watching. His fists clenched.
“You…”
The other Yami blinked impassively.
“You did this!” He got to his feet, throwing himself forward, slamming his fist into the other him. He met a hard, unyielding surface, but attacked anyway, clawing at the vision, which didn’t move, didn’t even seem fazed. “You caused this!”
“We did this,” his clone replied.
Yami cried, punching blindly. “No, I didn’t!”
Then, before his eyes, the image of himself vanished into a blank wall. He felt someone’s hands on his arms, stopping his attack, grasping him, pulling him away. He struggled, trying to fight, and spun around with his fists raised to see Shoua again, gripping him and glaring at him from inches away. “You will suffer for what you’ve done.”
“I didn’t do it!” he shouted, fists shaking. But he was unable to make himself hit him. The eyes were angry and cold now, but Yami remembered them the way they used to be. He wanted to claw at him, wanted to fight him off the same way he’d fought himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was still his friend. The person he’d grown up with, played games with… “It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t…!” He looked away, pressing his bloody fists to his face, not wanting to see his accusing brown eyes.
The chills which had taken him over suddenly faded, replaced by warmth. He felt himself being pulled into someone’s chest, felt his head coming to rest against someone’s heart as that person’s shaking hands grasped at the back of his head and shoulders. He slowly became aware of a painful stinging in his hands. And finally the sound of a voice reached him.
“Yami…Yami, come back to me, please…”
That voice…
He took in a deep breath, and recognized the scent.
“Yugi…?” he whispered into the clothing. “Yugi, you’re here?”
“Yes, it’s me.” Yugi clung to him, rocking him. “Yami, you have to sleep,” he said, and Yami could hear tears in his voice. “I don’t care what you see or what you hear in your dreams. I know how scary these nightmares must be, but I swear to you I’ll be right beside you when you wake up. But if you don’t sleep, your nightmares are going to turn into these hallucinations and…and you must not deprive yourself of sleep anymore. You’re going to hurt yourself and you’re scaring me and…however hard it is, you need rest! For me, Yami…please…”
“Y-Yugi…” He buried his face against him. “Yugi…” He turned his head then, glancing back at where the others had been. Nothing was there now, not himself, not Shoua, not Yugi’s dead body…but he kept seeing things moving out of the corner of his eyes, and knew they were still there. He could hear them; hovering just out of sight, whispering, biding their time until they could get him alone again.
Yugi almost burst into tears at the sight of Yami’s eyes, blank and cold and…dying. There was no life in them anymore. He squeezed his own eyes shut, bringing one hand up to cover his mouth as he doubled over, clutched Yami, and tried desperately not to cry.
What am I going to do? You promised me you wouldn’t go away, but I’m starting to think you’re going away…without even realizing it.
He bit his lip, some of his tears escaping and dropping down into Yami’s hair.
I don’t know what to do. I’m losing you. I’m losing you and I don’t know how to stop it…
He’d known it all along. Feared all along what he might have to face if he ever found out what it was that caused Yami’s problems. The kind of darkness, the kind of despair that could cause things like murder and madness…what if he couldn’t handle it?
He felt Yami’s chest heaving and struggled to control himself, leaning back against the side of the couch, pulling Yami with him once again. Yami kept his face pressed to Yugi’s chest, his bruised and bloody hands curling over Yugi’s clothes. Tears followed salty trails down his cheeks to dampen Yugi’s shirt.
“Yugi…you’re real.”
“I’m real.”
“You’ll keep them away from me?”
Yugi rubbed his back gently, helplessly, wishing he understood. “I’m here. It’s safe.”
He felt Yami’s body begin to relax. He jerked back to rigidity a few times, then mumbled, “Thank you.” Moments later he went limp against him, his breathing evening out. Yugi struggled a few moments longer before he gave into his tears.
His mother returned home to find them still curled on the floor in front of the couch, Yami lying against Yugi’s chest, Yugi resting his chin in Yami’s hair. Yugi, who wasn’t really sleeping, heard her footsteps and looked up to see her staring at them. Feeling a jolt of panic, he tried to think of how to explain the situation, (as well as the bloodstains on the wall) when she shook her head solemnly and held one finger to her lips to signal him to be quiet. Yugi smiled weakly and mouthed ‘thank you’ at her.
Then he wrapped his arms around Yami a bit more tightly and buried his face back in his hair. At least Yami was finally sleeping…when he woke up he probably wouldn’t be hallucinating anymore. But even that didn’t fully vanquish the terror in Yugi’s heart.
You’re still running. You kept your promise not to physically run away anymore, but deep down…you’re still trying to run inside, aren’t you? I’ve managed to pull you back so far, but…
He tightened his jaw, fighting panic, fighting the inevitable truth.
What will happen when I can’t?
X - X - X
Notes: Happy Canada Day, my up-north neighbors!
I feel like there was more exposition than usual in this chapter and normally I'm displeased with the exposition chapters, but I'm pretty happy with this one. I hope it has the impact I tried to put in it. ^^