it's funny reading that last entry commemorating rusty's journey with cancer as cooper's ended up catching up with him earlier and he crossed that rainbow bridge this past year on november 12, 2021 ( Read more... )

administered rus' chemo this morning and got a little emotional during the process. while he takes to the pills encased in a kraft single much better than the iv version, there is something very sad about the idea of it altogether ( Read more... )

i have a laundry list of things that have understatedly tested me this year. and multiple people would agree that, by far, i have had the worst 2020 than anyone they know. one had even lovingly/jokingly renamed me "Job." and here i was, thinking to myself that there was less than a day left in 2020, and of course, in true 2020 fashion-- it did not ( Read more... )

this entry will ping-pong because it's reflecting many days. and a preemptive apology for any tense or capitalization/punctuation inconsistencies. try to keep up ( Read more... )

he was very charming; he could command an audience out of a room full of strangers. god was he a schmoozer-- from the cashier to the waitress to the gas attendant. there was something about all 5'4" of him that any person would be drawn to. he carried himself with the confidence of the tallest person in the room. eating with him was always a king's ( Read more... )

i had this very pathetic cry today ( Read more... )

i have been having an identity crisis as of late. i thought that my failure from the Bar would roll over, as it did upon finding out the initial news and the following week. however, it aggressively consumed me the month or so after. i would quite literally lay in bed the entire day, staring at my ceiling. and it wasn't like i was in denial of it ( Read more... )

i failed the Bar. which was initially devastating because the dream is on hold, but fine in a way too because in my "funemployment", i did not have to cut ties with any employers. i just have to study again. but i was so close. and i feel positive about the next time i take it. another "positive" to note that-- in my poor, tumultuous, unstable, ( Read more... )

i have been reminded of d often lately... and i am so far removed from the pain that his photo would initially stir up in me. but i tried you know? i tried to put myself there, but i couldn't. i knew i felt like a discarded carcass. i knew i felt like a shell of myself. and i remember it was this happy disguised in all these shiny red flags. but ( Read more... )

my dad always said that to me. and tbh, I think that’s how I managed to navigate through adulthood relatively undisturbed. It took a long time to come to this realization, but in short- in all my relationships, I don’t expect anything more than what people are willing to give me. You can’t- cause it’s either you set the bar too high or differently ( Read more... )